Most patients hide what they don’t like about themselves because in the past it was used against them as a tool or a weapon.
Many times when we begin to let others into our true self, it causes others to question our thoughts and at times creates disagreements.
When will begin to feel safe with individuals , we then can begin to slowly allow them into our private self.
Thank you. This ties into the Resonance Warmth I am working on. Self compassion and Grace towards myself is the first step towards Acceptance of others. Thank you for this insight
Thank you. This ties into the Resonance Warmth I am working on. Self compassion and Grace towards myself is the first step towards Acceptance of others. Thank you for this insight
Frank Meek, Another Field, Winston Salem , NC, USAsays
I lack creativity and I feel I am boring and therefore I have a problem connecting one on one with others and because I don’t connect well my feeling is they must not like me.
Patricia Hunter, Health Education, Portland , OR, USAsays
Self compassion and self knowledge so important and an ongoing cultivation.
Making wise choices in choosing intimate partners where needs are met, values are harmonious, and communication is welcomed respectfully. Trust.
(I am still repairing trust after a breakup.)
Deeply value “Being with” another’s vulnerability (rather than trying to fix it). Also value
Sharing responsibility and honoring perspective during a disagreement/ conflict.
I hide my anxiety from my sister. I view her as very sensitive and already over anxious. So I don’t share with her my own anxieties. I feel so far away from her now. We used to share so much. Now we are always “upbeat” but so distant.
I have depression and anxiety. I often feel that if people really knew me they would would be repelled by my weakness, awkwardness, unlovability, and Inability to be what they need and want.no wonder I’m depressed.
I build walls to keep people just far enough from my real self so the parts I am afraid are unlovable can’t be seen, but that creates distance between us, which feels lonely
Being with people is painful for me. I isolate a lot so I don’t have too many relationships to affect. It is difficult to be with others since I believe they will only confirm what it is that I feel and believe about myself, which is that I am bad. I just can’t handle that most of the time. I end up feeling that I need to apologize for my existence and it’s easier to stay home and hide all of me.
Mimi Sullivan, Counseling, Palm Springs, CA, USAsays
Hiding my true self makes me feel weak and critical of myself and others. My hope is that this course will remind me of what I already know-that honesty and compassion can go hand in hand and will lead to a more authentic self.
My heart softens when one of my little children smile at me for no reason or when my therapist asks me certain questions to which my answer is not important. I try to stay with that softening but it doesn’t last. It is hard to let in the good.
Its the opposite; my husband feels he has nothing to hide. So essentially he is perfect. Well in his mind. That makes him narcissistic at times thus making me codependent emotionally on him!
I have RA which flares up periodically and means I can’t use my joints because of pain and swelling.. People always say I look well as I do chi gong and listen to your podcasts daily ( both are life enhancers!) I feel that my condition is invisible and I don’t want to disclose it because I am ashamed of having it. I don’t like to let others down by making a commitment which I can’t keep ( because of the random nature of the condition) so I have limited my social contacts. I am aware that I hold back because of this.
The bilief of unworthiness drives relationships and the result is feeling alone. When things go wong it’s almost like if it is what is meant to bbe.iy’s a never ending circle that i’ve been trying to face. Radical acceptance is so difficult. (Thank you for you work, read all books and follow on your site every day)
For years I lived with my husband where I was aware of his vulnerabilities but he was unwilling to see or accept mine because he relied on me to run all the practical responsibilities of our life while he remained puerile. I did not hide my vulnerabilities.
I asked for help because it was wearing me down, he never gave it using his dyslexia as an excuse.My fear of abandonment kept me working at our marriage and eventually he went out and had a couple of affairs.
The stress of living without trust or safety triggered Mandibular Dystonia and I left knowing he’d be unwilling and incapable of caring for me. I filed for divorce. I’m now working through my self criticism of why did i not leave him sooner.
I have begun following Tara’s teachings, and am getting better at accepting my whole self, for better or worse as they say.
I am intrigued to consider how what I or another may not like about me may be “causing” the poor relationship.
In the case I brought with me to this video, I begin by recognizing that I have been “bossy” in the relationship. When discussing what I don’t like about the other person, I could start by saying that THEY are “bossy!” Have we, in some ways, competed to be more right, more clever than the other?
Perhaps I can surrender my self-judgment as well as my judgment of the other?
thanks for a thought-provoking video
Thank you so much, Tara. I am working on being vulnerable again after a devastating betrayal and a divorce. Dealing with a personal crisis during a global pandemic has been difficult. I believe in the power of self-compassion and self-love: this has gotten me through.
My ‘belief’ that I am lazy means that I often misinterpret innocent comments. So even when my husband isn’t ‘getting at me’ I jump to the conclusion that there is implied criticism all too easily and am defensive and snappy in my response. Even if I catch it quickly the damage is done because he has gone into defence mode. Vicious circle which I tend to walk away from and wait until the mood has changed… I may understand the dynamic but it is hard to explain when ego is around and takes a lot of work to overcome…
I relate to this so much, Caroline! I have the same belief that I am lazy while my husband is a type-A, “get up and go” personality. It leads to miscommunications which turn into fights which turn into resentment. Accepting that I take more time to process things and need a calm environment before beginning something while he has his own beliefs about himself that fuel his way of doing things is a continual practice. So far we haven’t made much progress in catching ourselves before the fights begin, but we do recover much quicker. Baby steps.
Thanks for increasing awareness regarding vulnerabilities and how they build walls with intimate relations. Somehow, we all are lead to believe that we need to be perfect and when we don’t feel that way, we end up directing our energies in that direction to cover it and let our love one disappointed as we are not fully emotionally there for them.
When you’re hiding a part of yourself, you’re changing a piece to the puzzle, the puzzle who is you. By changing that one piece YOU are not being seen. Your partner can’t experience that parts that he/she/they enjoy, find comforting etc.
We often respond to things that make us uncomfortable with defenses, those defenses change the WHOLE picture/feeling of who we are.
I’m depressed. My husband doesn’t want to hear about my problems. He is “happy go lucky”, and doesn’t want to feel bad. I understand who I am and have had years of therapy. He’s not interested in therapy. Emotionally, he’s not available and doesn’t know how to be. I’ve been married for 43 years and am afraid to leave. My fear and anxiety, which I am told is from my childhood and carried forth to today keeps me stuck. My husband’s behavior can trigger me. He stuffs his anger and it comes out in one huge blow up, which sets me back two steps from the one step forward that I have made. Basically, I isolate and beat myself up, even though I’ve taken many self compassion classes including two using meditation. I have some friends that I reach out to who understand, but most people do not want to listen to someone who is depressed, unless they understand depression. Fortunately, I do have friends, who understand depression. Those who do not, I lean on lightly. To help myself, I am in some kind of therapy every week day and get a massage on Saturdays. One of the days I do trauma therapy. This much therapy has been going on pretty much since the pandemic hit. My therapists and psychiatrist have helped me get through this period of time. I’m still having an extremely difficult time of it. Thank you for asking.
Helen, I think you are very brave to seek therapeutic support, especially trauma therapy. I was in a 30 year marriage similar to what you describe. I was so afraid to leave as leaving activated all my fears of not being able to leave my traumatic home environment. When I finally separated from my husband, I healed at both levels, child and adult. My inner child finally could trust that my adult self was capable of taking care of her now. Keep building your support system. I became very isolated in my marriage and as a stay at home mom. It took seven years in Al-Anon to create a recovery community that helped me stay the course of my separation and divorce despite intense trauma bonding that kept tempting me to go back. Now, 15 months later, my divorce will be finalized. Every time I think “I’m alone”, I replace the word “alone” with “free”.
I really feel for you, Helen, and your sense of being stuck. I am glad you do have friends who understand and to whom you can turn for support.
Lately when I find myself frustrated with what I perceive as uncaring behavior and anger from others, I find it helpful to recognize that their behavior is likely causing them suffering as well. To be unable to reveal one’s true self as your husband seems unable to do is sad for him ,too. It wouldn’t be surprising, I think, to find that underneath his anger there is no doubt a lot of fear and likely feelings of inadequacy . He sounds as stuck as you, maybe even more so!
I can certainly relate to your story. At first, I thought that I had left that comment and had forgotten about it. That’s how well I could relate to what you were saying. The only difference is that I don’t have friends who understand depression and anxiety. As you said most people do not want to listen to someone who’s depressed for various raisons. Therapy helps if you find a good therapist (not always the case). Here, it’s very difficult to find a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. Therefore I rely on books, Yoga, Mindfulness and meditation and Self-Acceptance. It’s not easy with everything that’s going on in the world but rest assured that you’re not alone. Support is so important. We will get better but in my case it might take a little bit longer. Stay strong! Blessings and loving thoughts being send your way.
Hi Helen,
Your post has moved me to tears. I know how depression feels and how hard the struggle is to feel better about ourselves.
I’m sorry you do not have the full support of your husband and recognise how lonely you may feel.
You ate takings positive steps to care for yourself , which I know is a struggle when you feel so low.
I don’t have any answers for you, I’m afraid, I’m just a fellow journeywoman on life’s travels.
I’m thinking of you and sending healing wishes your way.
Blessings to you
Clare 💜
Goodness, so much truth here. Despite having a truly loving and engaging relationship with my husband and child as well as such good friends it wasn’t until I realised I was carrying the burdens of judgement, shame and guilt of many years that my depth and true understanding of how wonderful any relationship can grow into.
I was raised by my father with the constant input of being inadequate and inept beginning as a child and into adolescence. It was only through the unconditional acceptance of teachers, sponsors and various individuals that I began the long journey of self-acceptance. Meditation and mindfulness practices have accelerated the process greatly and deeply in the past 20 yrs. Rarely do self-acceptance thoughts arise anymore but when they do I have developed the tools and skills to move back into joyful acceptance with humor and gratitude.
I’m depressed. My husband doesn’t want to hear about my problems. He is “happy go lucky”, and doesn’t want to feel bad. I understand who I am and have had years of therapy. He’s not interested in therapy. Emotionally, he’s not available and doesn’t know how to be. I’ve been married for 43 years and am afraid to leave. My fear and anxiety, which I am told is from my childhood and carried forth to today keeps me stuck. My husband’s behavior can trigger me. He stuffs his anger and it comes out in one huge blow up, which sets me back two steps from the one step forward that I have made. Basically, I isolate and beat myself up, even though I’ve taken many self compassion classes including two using meditation. I have some friends that I reach out to who understand, but most people do not want to listen to someone who is depressed, unless they understand depression. Fortunately, I do have friends, who understand depression. Those who do not, I lean on lightly. To help myself, I am in some kind of therapy every week day and get a massage on Saturdays. One of the days I do trauma therapy. This much therapy has been going on pretty much since the pandemic hit. My therapists and psychiatrist have helped me get through this period of time. I’m still having an extremely difficult time of it. Thank you for asking.
Dear Helen, I can identify so strongly with what you are experiencing as I’ve been through the same experience and had to find support and solace amongst my friends and now through therapy. After my husbands latest affair I’ve left him as the continued stress of not being heard or seen caused me to develop Dystonia a chronic neurological disorder.I too was afraid to leave for a number of years but when I became ill and he was unable to empathize I fled in order to survive. It’s been 10 months. The hardest of my life but I know I have a better future ahead and need to love myself and not have to conceal parts of myself to please another.
B Wright, I agree that not being seen or heard causes acute physical stress and disease. I also experienced this too. I’m at 15 months separated and it was a very difficult process to leave and stay no contact except for kids. We can do hard things. It will get better. I can finally go a week without crying. Your body will thank you too. My hair is growing back. I can sleep through the night finally. I realize now that I was the one I was waiting for. Your body is your oldest friend and steadiest companion. Thank goodness we have learned to listen and honor it. Sending you much love for your healing journey!
Hiding myself prevents anyone from actually ever knowing the real me…..so they never are able to love and accept me fully. Which is what i want, but also what i prevent. Sabotage!!
Thank you, Tara, for your excellent video. Yes, intimacy and self-acceptance with others begin with intimacy and self-acceptance of self. What a revealing secret you just shared with us. The good news is that we can work on our internal selves and not rely on our ability to change others. Or, waiting for others to change. Or, end a relationship because we thought the problem was with the other.
Looking back, there were four main areas;
-my own insecurities about who I’m supposed to be and act;
-my unowned experience of the impact of childhood trauma (which I wasn’t aware were traumatic – I believed it was just life);
-deeply embedded cultural conditioning – racial (black woman) and societal practice of “knowing my place” yet resentful of being so trapped by race and gender identity (my Jamaican culture, chauvinistic, women learn early on to take responsibility for just about everything);
-my unworthiness was the “norm” so I had to by definition I lived the consciousness that I have to “prove myself”. No awareness or idea of being worthy as the “norm”.
Recovering alcoholic; 32yrs sober. Married today after 26yrs. Both of us retired now, and spending time ‘finding’ what to do! Boyz are adults needing support but not nose wipes, so it’s us w ourselves and frankly we’re having trouble being so close. We have less intimacy, no sex! Discovering how to be close is hard!
When I am hiding what other people don’t like about myself, then this creates distance, because I’m busy hiding and can’t be present for what the other person feels like at the very moment.
I’ve become more vulnerable to self-criticism lately, despite compliments from friends that I’m a blessing. I know what I’m hiding, and letting go is a struggle. Thank you for identifying the core issue of self-judgment for me!
The relationship lacks intimacy and stays “polite” but not truly engaging, this also makes for stress/anxiety , as one feels always “on edge” and never relaxed in case one comes across as stupid, uncultured , uninteresting, and all the other stories one feeds oneself .. it’s exhausting , never nourishing or ultimately satisfying . One always feels somewhere along the line as fake , fearful or unauthentic.
It’s sometimes what we don’t say that puts a barrier in relating. It creates a wall that excludes the other who then experiences rejection and a lack of trust. This erodes intimacy and makes them even more fearful of sharing their truth
Hiding things, especially insecurity in oneself in a relationship, often affects the person’s ability to trust their partner. Without trust, it is almost impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. By helping a client become more secure in themselves as a worthwhile & lovable person, that sense of security will transfer to all their relationships at home & at work. I learned to love & respect myself by seeing the love & respect for me in the way my friends respond to me.
This video really helped me see how hiding what I think of as my fundamental flaws puts me on the attack with other people. That criticism creates distance that then reinforces how I feel, ie that people won’t like or accept me.
Most patients hide what they don’t like about themselves because in the past it was used against them as a tool or a weapon.
Many times when we begin to let others into our true self, it causes others to question our thoughts and at times creates disagreements.
When will begin to feel safe with individuals , we then can begin to slowly allow them into our private self.
Thank you. This ties into the Resonance Warmth I am working on. Self compassion and Grace towards myself is the first step towards Acceptance of others. Thank you for this insight
Thank you. This ties into the Resonance Warmth I am working on. Self compassion and Grace towards myself is the first step towards Acceptance of others. Thank you for this insight
I lack creativity and I feel I am boring and therefore I have a problem connecting one on one with others and because I don’t connect well my feeling is they must not like me.
I do hide behind my criticisms of others, instead of looking at my hidden feelings of inadequacy.
Self compassion and self knowledge so important and an ongoing cultivation.
Making wise choices in choosing intimate partners where needs are met, values are harmonious, and communication is welcomed respectfully. Trust.
(I am still repairing trust after a breakup.)
Deeply value “Being with” another’s vulnerability (rather than trying to fix it). Also value
Sharing responsibility and honoring perspective during a disagreement/ conflict.
I hide my anxiety from my sister. I view her as very sensitive and already over anxious. So I don’t share with her my own anxieties. I feel so far away from her now. We used to share so much. Now we are always “upbeat” but so distant.
I have depression and anxiety. I often feel that if people really knew me they would would be repelled by my weakness, awkwardness, unlovability, and Inability to be what they need and want.no wonder I’m depressed.
I build walls to keep people just far enough from my real self so the parts I am afraid are unlovable can’t be seen, but that creates distance between us, which feels lonely
Thank you
I spend time and energy covering up these things and this affects my ability to trust and open up with other people.
Being with people is painful for me. I isolate a lot so I don’t have too many relationships to affect. It is difficult to be with others since I believe they will only confirm what it is that I feel and believe about myself, which is that I am bad. I just can’t handle that most of the time. I end up feeling that I need to apologize for my existence and it’s easier to stay home and hide all of me.
Hiding my true self makes me feel weak and critical of myself and others. My hope is that this course will remind me of what I already know-that honesty and compassion can go hand in hand and will lead to a more authentic self.
This is very helpful. Thank you for sharing!
I do not trust easily on others, know it better. Find it hard to follow or step up as I am very scared not to be right about something
I tend to sabotage my connections that might grow deeper than the surface.
This results in long-term loneliness.
My heart softens when one of my little children smile at me for no reason or when my therapist asks me certain questions to which my answer is not important. I try to stay with that softening but it doesn’t last. It is hard to let in the good.
Its the opposite; my husband feels he has nothing to hide. So essentially he is perfect. Well in his mind. That makes him narcissistic at times thus making me codependent emotionally on him!
I have RA which flares up periodically and means I can’t use my joints because of pain and swelling.. People always say I look well as I do chi gong and listen to your podcasts daily ( both are life enhancers!) I feel that my condition is invisible and I don’t want to disclose it because I am ashamed of having it. I don’t like to let others down by making a commitment which I can’t keep ( because of the random nature of the condition) so I have limited my social contacts. I am aware that I hold back because of this.
Isolating and distance between me and those I love
I don’t want to fight and run anymore, I want more connection with others!
The bilief of unworthiness drives relationships and the result is feeling alone. When things go wong it’s almost like if it is what is meant to bbe.iy’s a never ending circle that i’ve been trying to face. Radical acceptance is so difficult. (Thank you for you work, read all books and follow on your site every day)
This is a good question to ask: what they don’t want others to see.
Thanks for offering insights
For years I lived with my husband where I was aware of his vulnerabilities but he was unwilling to see or accept mine because he relied on me to run all the practical responsibilities of our life while he remained puerile. I did not hide my vulnerabilities.
I asked for help because it was wearing me down, he never gave it using his dyslexia as an excuse.My fear of abandonment kept me working at our marriage and eventually he went out and had a couple of affairs.
The stress of living without trust or safety triggered Mandibular Dystonia and I left knowing he’d be unwilling and incapable of caring for me. I filed for divorce. I’m now working through my self criticism of why did i not leave him sooner.
I just left a message and now Pl let me move to the next video
It prevents real honesty and acceptance and causes anger both at self and partner.
I have begun following Tara’s teachings, and am getting better at accepting my whole self, for better or worse as they say.
I am intrigued to consider how what I or another may not like about me may be “causing” the poor relationship.
In the case I brought with me to this video, I begin by recognizing that I have been “bossy” in the relationship. When discussing what I don’t like about the other person, I could start by saying that THEY are “bossy!” Have we, in some ways, competed to be more right, more clever than the other?
Perhaps I can surrender my self-judgment as well as my judgment of the other?
thanks for a thought-provoking video
Thank you so much, Tara. I am working on being vulnerable again after a devastating betrayal and a divorce. Dealing with a personal crisis during a global pandemic has been difficult. I believe in the power of self-compassion and self-love: this has gotten me through.
My ‘belief’ that I am lazy means that I often misinterpret innocent comments. So even when my husband isn’t ‘getting at me’ I jump to the conclusion that there is implied criticism all too easily and am defensive and snappy in my response. Even if I catch it quickly the damage is done because he has gone into defence mode. Vicious circle which I tend to walk away from and wait until the mood has changed… I may understand the dynamic but it is hard to explain when ego is around and takes a lot of work to overcome…
Patience for wisdom to grow.
I relate to this so much, Caroline! I have the same belief that I am lazy while my husband is a type-A, “get up and go” personality. It leads to miscommunications which turn into fights which turn into resentment. Accepting that I take more time to process things and need a calm environment before beginning something while he has his own beliefs about himself that fuel his way of doing things is a continual practice. So far we haven’t made much progress in catching ourselves before the fights begin, but we do recover much quicker. Baby steps.
Thanks for increasing awareness regarding vulnerabilities and how they build walls with intimate relations. Somehow, we all are lead to believe that we need to be perfect and when we don’t feel that way, we end up directing our energies in that direction to cover it and let our love one disappointed as we are not fully emotionally there for them.
thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience. I will see if i can put it into practice
It keeps my mind focused on the parts of story that feel shameful. If I’m focused on that, how can I focus on others or find joy?
I tend to withdraw socially. I feel inadequate and therefore I shy away from interacting with others in a social setting.
When you’re hiding a part of yourself, you’re changing a piece to the puzzle, the puzzle who is you. By changing that one piece YOU are not being seen. Your partner can’t experience that parts that he/she/they enjoy, find comforting etc.
We often respond to things that make us uncomfortable with defenses, those defenses change the WHOLE picture/feeling of who we are.
it keeps me from being whole with my relations.
I’m depressed. My husband doesn’t want to hear about my problems. He is “happy go lucky”, and doesn’t want to feel bad. I understand who I am and have had years of therapy. He’s not interested in therapy. Emotionally, he’s not available and doesn’t know how to be. I’ve been married for 43 years and am afraid to leave. My fear and anxiety, which I am told is from my childhood and carried forth to today keeps me stuck. My husband’s behavior can trigger me. He stuffs his anger and it comes out in one huge blow up, which sets me back two steps from the one step forward that I have made. Basically, I isolate and beat myself up, even though I’ve taken many self compassion classes including two using meditation. I have some friends that I reach out to who understand, but most people do not want to listen to someone who is depressed, unless they understand depression. Fortunately, I do have friends, who understand depression. Those who do not, I lean on lightly. To help myself, I am in some kind of therapy every week day and get a massage on Saturdays. One of the days I do trauma therapy. This much therapy has been going on pretty much since the pandemic hit. My therapists and psychiatrist have helped me get through this period of time. I’m still having an extremely difficult time of it. Thank you for asking.
Helen, I think you are very brave to seek therapeutic support, especially trauma therapy. I was in a 30 year marriage similar to what you describe. I was so afraid to leave as leaving activated all my fears of not being able to leave my traumatic home environment. When I finally separated from my husband, I healed at both levels, child and adult. My inner child finally could trust that my adult self was capable of taking care of her now. Keep building your support system. I became very isolated in my marriage and as a stay at home mom. It took seven years in Al-Anon to create a recovery community that helped me stay the course of my separation and divorce despite intense trauma bonding that kept tempting me to go back. Now, 15 months later, my divorce will be finalized. Every time I think “I’m alone”, I replace the word “alone” with “free”.
I really feel for you, Helen, and your sense of being stuck. I am glad you do have friends who understand and to whom you can turn for support.
Lately when I find myself frustrated with what I perceive as uncaring behavior and anger from others, I find it helpful to recognize that their behavior is likely causing them suffering as well. To be unable to reveal one’s true self as your husband seems unable to do is sad for him ,too. It wouldn’t be surprising, I think, to find that underneath his anger there is no doubt a lot of fear and likely feelings of inadequacy . He sounds as stuck as you, maybe even more so!
I can certainly relate to your story. At first, I thought that I had left that comment and had forgotten about it. That’s how well I could relate to what you were saying. The only difference is that I don’t have friends who understand depression and anxiety. As you said most people do not want to listen to someone who’s depressed for various raisons. Therapy helps if you find a good therapist (not always the case). Here, it’s very difficult to find a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. Therefore I rely on books, Yoga, Mindfulness and meditation and Self-Acceptance. It’s not easy with everything that’s going on in the world but rest assured that you’re not alone. Support is so important. We will get better but in my case it might take a little bit longer. Stay strong! Blessings and loving thoughts being send your way.
Hi Helen,
Your post has moved me to tears. I know how depression feels and how hard the struggle is to feel better about ourselves.
I’m sorry you do not have the full support of your husband and recognise how lonely you may feel.
You ate takings positive steps to care for yourself , which I know is a struggle when you feel so low.
I don’t have any answers for you, I’m afraid, I’m just a fellow journeywoman on life’s travels.
I’m thinking of you and sending healing wishes your way.
Blessings to you
Clare 💜
Goodness, so much truth here. Despite having a truly loving and engaging relationship with my husband and child as well as such good friends it wasn’t until I realised I was carrying the burdens of judgement, shame and guilt of many years that my depth and true understanding of how wonderful any relationship can grow into.
I was raised by my father with the constant input of being inadequate and inept beginning as a child and into adolescence. It was only through the unconditional acceptance of teachers, sponsors and various individuals that I began the long journey of self-acceptance. Meditation and mindfulness practices have accelerated the process greatly and deeply in the past 20 yrs. Rarely do self-acceptance thoughts arise anymore but when they do I have developed the tools and skills to move back into joyful acceptance with humor and gratitude.
It keeps them distant from each other.
I’m depressed. My husband doesn’t want to hear about my problems. He is “happy go lucky”, and doesn’t want to feel bad. I understand who I am and have had years of therapy. He’s not interested in therapy. Emotionally, he’s not available and doesn’t know how to be. I’ve been married for 43 years and am afraid to leave. My fear and anxiety, which I am told is from my childhood and carried forth to today keeps me stuck. My husband’s behavior can trigger me. He stuffs his anger and it comes out in one huge blow up, which sets me back two steps from the one step forward that I have made. Basically, I isolate and beat myself up, even though I’ve taken many self compassion classes including two using meditation. I have some friends that I reach out to who understand, but most people do not want to listen to someone who is depressed, unless they understand depression. Fortunately, I do have friends, who understand depression. Those who do not, I lean on lightly. To help myself, I am in some kind of therapy every week day and get a massage on Saturdays. One of the days I do trauma therapy. This much therapy has been going on pretty much since the pandemic hit. My therapists and psychiatrist have helped me get through this period of time. I’m still having an extremely difficult time of it. Thank you for asking.
Dear Helen, I can identify so strongly with what you are experiencing as I’ve been through the same experience and had to find support and solace amongst my friends and now through therapy. After my husbands latest affair I’ve left him as the continued stress of not being heard or seen caused me to develop Dystonia a chronic neurological disorder.I too was afraid to leave for a number of years but when I became ill and he was unable to empathize I fled in order to survive. It’s been 10 months. The hardest of my life but I know I have a better future ahead and need to love myself and not have to conceal parts of myself to please another.
B Wright, I agree that not being seen or heard causes acute physical stress and disease. I also experienced this too. I’m at 15 months separated and it was a very difficult process to leave and stay no contact except for kids. We can do hard things. It will get better. I can finally go a week without crying. Your body will thank you too. My hair is growing back. I can sleep through the night finally. I realize now that I was the one I was waiting for. Your body is your oldest friend and steadiest companion. Thank goodness we have learned to listen and honor it. Sending you much love for your healing journey!
Hiding myself prevents anyone from actually ever knowing the real me…..so they never are able to love and accept me fully. Which is what i want, but also what i prevent. Sabotage!!
Thank you, Tara, for your excellent video. Yes, intimacy and self-acceptance with others begin with intimacy and self-acceptance of self. What a revealing secret you just shared with us. The good news is that we can work on our internal selves and not rely on our ability to change others. Or, waiting for others to change. Or, end a relationship because we thought the problem was with the other.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, again!
Looking back, there were four main areas;
-my own insecurities about who I’m supposed to be and act;
-my unowned experience of the impact of childhood trauma (which I wasn’t aware were traumatic – I believed it was just life);
-deeply embedded cultural conditioning – racial (black woman) and societal practice of “knowing my place” yet resentful of being so trapped by race and gender identity (my Jamaican culture, chauvinistic, women learn early on to take responsibility for just about everything);
-my unworthiness was the “norm” so I had to by definition I lived the consciousness that I have to “prove myself”. No awareness or idea of being worthy as the “norm”.
It severely limits simply having relationships with others.
Recovering alcoholic; 32yrs sober. Married today after 26yrs. Both of us retired now, and spending time ‘finding’ what to do! Boyz are adults needing support but not nose wipes, so it’s us w ourselves and frankly we’re having trouble being so close. We have less intimacy, no sex! Discovering how to be close is hard!
When I am hiding what other people don’t like about myself, then this creates distance, because I’m busy hiding and can’t be present for what the other person feels like at the very moment.
I’ve become more vulnerable to self-criticism lately, despite compliments from friends that I’m a blessing. I know what I’m hiding, and letting go is a struggle. Thank you for identifying the core issue of self-judgment for me!
It keeps me distant and blocks intimacy.
The relationship lacks intimacy and stays “polite” but not truly engaging, this also makes for stress/anxiety , as one feels always “on edge” and never relaxed in case one comes across as stupid, uncultured , uninteresting, and all the other stories one feeds oneself .. it’s exhausting , never nourishing or ultimately satisfying . One always feels somewhere along the line as fake , fearful or unauthentic.
It’s sometimes what we don’t say that puts a barrier in relating. It creates a wall that excludes the other who then experiences rejection and a lack of trust. This erodes intimacy and makes them even more fearful of sharing their truth
Hiding things, especially insecurity in oneself in a relationship, often affects the person’s ability to trust their partner. Without trust, it is almost impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. By helping a client become more secure in themselves as a worthwhile & lovable person, that sense of security will transfer to all their relationships at home & at work. I learned to love & respect myself by seeing the love & respect for me in the way my friends respond to me.
This video really helped me see how hiding what I think of as my fundamental flaws puts me on the attack with other people. That criticism creates distance that then reinforces how I feel, ie that people won’t like or accept me.