My fear of being abandoned makes me feel tense and needy when my partner makes arrangements or has intentions to do things without me and with other people. Hiding the fact that is what is going on can make me sound sharp, or be critical or controlling.
Dear Tara, you really hit a soft spot in my heart with this video and I can’t wait to see more. I always have felt that I am not good enough, and I do everything possible to hide it in the belief that if someone discovers I’m not as good as I seem, they will leave me…and sure enough, in the end they do…it has happened more than once, confirming my beliefs and causing painful feelings of abandonment. I can certainly relate to what the Man you mention in the video says.
I have started doing some of your meditations for the last two months and am trying to create a habit of meditating daily. I find such comfort in your voice and I feel that I am finally open to the possibility of getting to know myself deeply…it’s never too late…I’m nearly 62. So I would like to thank you so much; you are doing so much good. I can’t wait to read your book and see more videos.
Receive my love from Madrid, Spain.
PMO
In my experience, when clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, their relationships deterioriate at an alarming rate. They tend to create conflict situations to intentionally push away those who mean the most to them.
I begin my day with Tara. I am listening to Embodied Presence now.
May All Beings everywhere discover the Well-being that is our shared potential
Is my 💞 felt prayer. I work with a wonderful therapist who told me about Tara.
Hi there,
I have started using RAIN and most extraordinary things for me started to happen in a way that pain is reducing and my connection with my innerself is increasing. It is a great everyday practice for me. Thank you so much Tara.
Kristjan
This helps me to focus on what matters. We all have issues, but when we are vulnerable we grow, thank you so much for this offering, you have helped me with my efforts with grounding.
Hiding my negative attributes from others gives me a feeling of phoniness, because I am not presenting my ‘whole self’; I feel like I am ‘lying by omission’ because I am afraid of outright rejection or at the vey least, leaving a less-than-positive impression of myself.
So the affect on any relationships is that they don’t know the real me; what they see is NOT what they get!
I am ashamed about myself, that´s a basic feeling (I sometimes can hide), and many times I cannot understand how my family and friends can stand me. that´s only the case when I am depressive = many years ago for some years and now again since 2015.
I´m afraid of disgusting my family and friends who till today don´t understand, why I feel so. …afraid of annoying them by always asking my family if they still like me as I am, still can stand me… and I´m frightened one day they can NOT stand me anymore.
.
I come from a family with “shame-culture”, when as a girl… I wan´t “good…”!! This of course is deep in my heart and I cannot come over it, forget it, handle it… there seems to be no way out. terrible…
My partner wants to be able to relate to me intellectually, which intimidates me. I don’t think of myself as smart or intellectual. So I get feisty and fight back, feeling like he’s not “seeing” me. AM I hiding something?
I‘m struggling showing my deep affection for the ones I love because I‘m afraid that this might be to much and might result in rejection. Doing so make real connections difficult if not impossible, making me feel distant, isolated and lacking the deep connection I’m longing for. I am working being more open and showing my feelings, accepting the vulnerability that goes along with that and also the pain that is coming from time to time….just letting the pain flowing through me, without shutting down completely, just taking some time for me on myself to process the difficult feelings and than show up again in the relationship addressing the issue directly, free from the painful feeling of unworthiness. It helps me to just explain how things appeared to me with the belief that the other one cares, then the relation is getting closer, as if by magic.
These are just exactly what my issues are, and have known this for a long while , (mostof my life )
I admit , that i am isolated within myself, even though, i have loving friends , and a wonderful spiritual community .
my core issue is the belief that i am intrinsically flawed, and that i will have to live in loneliness for the remainder of my life ( I am 69 years ) .
this material is wonderful, and my practice is enriched by listening
thanks
Hiding what I don’t like about myself hurts in many ways; it fosters shame and judgement of self/others as well as hindering compassion for myself and others. It limits authenticity.
I hide my intelligence and strength. It allows others to think they can dominate.
I do not communicate my truth. The relationshipship is not grounded in reality.
It makes me avoid connecting with people and I fail to be vulnerable. As a result I feel lonely and unlovable.. When I am willing to be vulnerable people actually draw closer and we have a deeper connection and friendship. If I take the first step it makes them more willing to share and be vulnerable too.
Thank you for sharing your teachings, Tara. This video makes me think of myself and my daughter as well as my husband. I will forward your email to my daughter. My husband will undoubtedly be more open to me presenting these ideas as I speak with him about my own reactivity in our relationship. I will revisit Radical Acceptance!
I am tense and not myself. People may sense that. I have been told that I am inauthentic. In childhood I protected myself because in a large family to reveal weakness lead to bullying and mockery. I lack trust in others and continue to protect myself so intimacy is difficult.
Paget Mitchell, Marriage/Family Therapy, Sonoma County, CA, USAsays
There is a sadness and a fear of being abandoned for being themselves. A general feeling of disquiet and discomfort can engulf the relationship and lead to artificial disagreements to justify the fear… A self-fulfilling prophecy for the client and confusing for a family and partner.
They judge the other, jump to conclusions, don’t investigate how things got to be so harsh. They find it hard to feel venerable, and compensate by work, and sometimes simply avoid the other they love. They avoid to speak out there true feelings and longings. They no longer connect in a true loving way.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself creates distance. I often feel like I need to be strong and positive for my husband who is needing support and a positive environment. But in writing this, I think a more supportive stance would be sharing my fear of inadequacy. Thank you for these videos.
laura Simon-Sulzer, Counseling, GREAT FALLS, VA, USAsays
In my case -recovery therapy – clients turn to addictions: alcohol, drugs, compulsive behaviors (food, etc.) Since Covid started, the number of OD, binge drinking and self-destructive behaviors have doubled. Young adults smoke weed, which is a severe depressant. Severe anxiety has become in 3 years a very common diagnostic and it is not an over-diagnostic.
So, the answer is: the client turn their self-hatred and shame against themselves, with the social consequences we all know about.
So very true, but what happens when you have tried repeatedly to be authentic and are openly dismissed by those you love? I may love and accept myself well, but risk losing them if I don’t “edit” who I am to suit them when we are together. If I edit and minimize, I am hurting myself. Rather than lose family entirely, I have chosen to spend less time with family to protect myself. It isn’t the best solution.
Thank you, Tara. Concealing sadness has prohibited authenticity in relationships and prevented expression of emotions. Feeling and communicating sadness as a child was not encouraged, and when I did, I was humiliated. I be at grateful for this video series!
Thank you Tara for the opportunity and free video but it’s way too complicated to summarize in a comment. I am nonetheless thankful for the reminders to love oneself. We have been been told (by the media mostly) that we are never good, patient, rich, fun, successful, beautiful, thin, sweet, etc, etc. enough….not loving oneself enough😉. I am seeking calm and appreciation of life through mindfulness and meditation.
Not controlling my own emotions and reactions is most probably at the source of my own inadequacy in my relationship. As sage people say you can only control your own reactions.
Thank you, Tara for this teaching. I’ve only realized how negative comments during my childhood had affected my self confidence, even though I fought back against them. Listening to your teachings, and reading your book “Radical Compassion” has taught me to make the “u turn”. It is helping my communications with my family.
As a Pediatrician, I see a lot of parents who accept that they have unhealthy lifestyle habits and consequences of obesity and they don’t want their children to have to experience what they have had to live through as obese children. They genuinely want to protect their children and are coming from a place of loving kindness. Unfortunately, they seldom have gone through the experience of really accepting and loving themselves unconditionally despite their larger bodies. This makes it extremely difficult for them to radiate “body positive” attitudes to their kids.
I have a ‘belief’ about myself that says I am not intersting enough, not funny enough, just ‘not enough’ to keep it short. So when my partner is not engaging with me in a conversation, or preoccupied, I tend to take it pesonally and believe he acts like that be cause I am not enough interesting. So I get hurt and moody and he has no idea why. I’m learning to tell him about my insecurityies so I can find out what is actually on his mind – and not be triggered for nothing
I really connect to this and know it is at play in my own life, in a big way, the more I digest this awareness. I am keen to heal these patterns in myself and be a stronger support to others.
It increases the physical and emotional distance between them and then the sense of belonging – and any real intimacy – gets lost in the process if neither of them is willing to let the vulnerability they feel show, be seen and cared for by their partner. Both people loose touch with who they truly are and what they really want: an intimate and safe connection with each other
We are all a work in progress 🙂
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, my friends don’t know who I am. Even if they like me, I can’t take it in because I’m not being my real authentic self. So who they are liking, I am not that. Hiding parts of me makes me feel alone and afraid, makes me pull back even more from intimacy and the very thing that could help me. But I’m afraid to be vulnerable, open about myself, intimate for fear of being found unloveable which makes me want to runaway and hide.
What is it in myself that I don’t want others to see? What am I trying to cover up or hide? Oh boy! I’ve been coming to terms with the effects of unprocessed trauma and a lifetime of living with the hidden shame, coping patterns, etc. I am a happy person by nature but I struggled with maintaining relationships and something felt very broken within. So much, it turns out, has been hidden. I’ve learned about attachment styles recently and see that I identify very strongly with the avoidant attachment – I have hurt so many that I have loved. It’s difficult to admit to myself and certainly to my partner that I’ve been living by this set of harsh and distancing believes regarding relationships. Taking one step at a time to untangle.
When I don’t reveal what is truly bothering me about myself, I close myself off from my husband. I’m afraid of feeling less-than or of him trying to “fix me” by offering “helpful” suggestions that only seem to make me feel less worthy and more incapable. At this moment in our relationship, I am more willing to feel “safe” by offering less of myself and avoiding intimacy – especially physical intimacy.
Thank you for this question and for asking for responses. Already I feel an opening in my heart – at least towards myself. Peace and blessings to you and your loved ones 🙏🏻
Thank Dr. Brach for generosity and creating these videos. This will ge a good reminder for self compassion and to return to love through mindfulness. With Gratitude, Mishelle
My fear of being abandoned makes me feel tense and needy when my partner makes arrangements or has intentions to do things without me and with other people. Hiding the fact that is what is going on can make me sound sharp, or be critical or controlling.
Dear Tara, you really hit a soft spot in my heart with this video and I can’t wait to see more. I always have felt that I am not good enough, and I do everything possible to hide it in the belief that if someone discovers I’m not as good as I seem, they will leave me…and sure enough, in the end they do…it has happened more than once, confirming my beliefs and causing painful feelings of abandonment. I can certainly relate to what the Man you mention in the video says.
I have started doing some of your meditations for the last two months and am trying to create a habit of meditating daily. I find such comfort in your voice and I feel that I am finally open to the possibility of getting to know myself deeply…it’s never too late…I’m nearly 62. So I would like to thank you so much; you are doing so much good. I can’t wait to read your book and see more videos.
Receive my love from Madrid, Spain.
PMO
My partner doesn’t know how to interpret my behavior. He’s in the dark.
If I take the chance to approve or accept myself I risk ridicule. There’ll always be someone to point out my imperfections.
Dorris
In my experience, when clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, their relationships deterioriate at an alarming rate. They tend to create conflict situations to intentionally push away those who mean the most to them.
I can’t get close to people.
I begin my day with Tara. I am listening to Embodied Presence now.
May All Beings everywhere discover the Well-being that is our shared potential
Is my 💞 felt prayer. I work with a wonderful therapist who told me about Tara.
Hi there,
I have started using RAIN and most extraordinary things for me started to happen in a way that pain is reducing and my connection with my innerself is increasing. It is a great everyday practice for me. Thank you so much Tara.
Kristjan
This helps me to focus on what matters. We all have issues, but when we are vulnerable we grow, thank you so much for this offering, you have helped me with my efforts with grounding.
Hiding my negative attributes from others gives me a feeling of phoniness, because I am not presenting my ‘whole self’; I feel like I am ‘lying by omission’ because I am afraid of outright rejection or at the vey least, leaving a less-than-positive impression of myself.
So the affect on any relationships is that they don’t know the real me; what they see is NOT what they get!
I am ashamed about myself, that´s a basic feeling (I sometimes can hide), and many times I cannot understand how my family and friends can stand me. that´s only the case when I am depressive = many years ago for some years and now again since 2015.
I´m afraid of disgusting my family and friends who till today don´t understand, why I feel so. …afraid of annoying them by always asking my family if they still like me as I am, still can stand me… and I´m frightened one day they can NOT stand me anymore.
.
I come from a family with “shame-culture”, when as a girl… I wan´t “good…”!! This of course is deep in my heart and I cannot come over it, forget it, handle it… there seems to be no way out. terrible…
My partner wants to be able to relate to me intellectually, which intimidates me. I don’t think of myself as smart or intellectual. So I get feisty and fight back, feeling like he’s not “seeing” me. AM I hiding something?
It adds a strain to your participation in the realationships
I‘m struggling showing my deep affection for the ones I love because I‘m afraid that this might be to much and might result in rejection. Doing so make real connections difficult if not impossible, making me feel distant, isolated and lacking the deep connection I’m longing for. I am working being more open and showing my feelings, accepting the vulnerability that goes along with that and also the pain that is coming from time to time….just letting the pain flowing through me, without shutting down completely, just taking some time for me on myself to process the difficult feelings and than show up again in the relationship addressing the issue directly, free from the painful feeling of unworthiness. It helps me to just explain how things appeared to me with the belief that the other one cares, then the relation is getting closer, as if by magic.
These are just exactly what my issues are, and have known this for a long while , (mostof my life )
I admit , that i am isolated within myself, even though, i have loving friends , and a wonderful spiritual community .
my core issue is the belief that i am intrinsically flawed, and that i will have to live in loneliness for the remainder of my life ( I am 69 years ) .
this material is wonderful, and my practice is enriched by listening
thanks
Hiding what I don’t like about myself hurts in many ways; it fosters shame and judgement of self/others as well as hindering compassion for myself and others. It limits authenticity.
Lack of self-empowering, self-trust, the fact that many times I simply don’t have answer or don’t know what to do.
I hide my intelligence and strength. It allows others to think they can dominate.
I do not communicate my truth. The relationshipship is not grounded in reality.
It makes me avoid connecting with people and I fail to be vulnerable. As a result I feel lonely and unlovable.. When I am willing to be vulnerable people actually draw closer and we have a deeper connection and friendship. If I take the first step it makes them more willing to share and be vulnerable too.
The energy in the relationship is less,so closeness is not felt it feels like there is a wall there.
Keeping myself hidden keeps me lonely, detached from my true self and all others as well. Unreal.
My clients keep diminishing their partner, they also get defensive front every comment they feel like an attack.
Thank you for sharing your teachings, Tara. This video makes me think of myself and my daughter as well as my husband. I will forward your email to my daughter. My husband will undoubtedly be more open to me presenting these ideas as I speak with him about my own reactivity in our relationship. I will revisit Radical Acceptance!
I am tense and not myself. People may sense that. I have been told that I am inauthentic. In childhood I protected myself because in a large family to reveal weakness lead to bullying and mockery. I lack trust in others and continue to protect myself so intimacy is difficult.
There is a sadness and a fear of being abandoned for being themselves. A general feeling of disquiet and discomfort can engulf the relationship and lead to artificial disagreements to justify the fear… A self-fulfilling prophecy for the client and confusing for a family and partner.
They judge the other, jump to conclusions, don’t investigate how things got to be so harsh. They find it hard to feel venerable, and compensate by work, and sometimes simply avoid the other they love. They avoid to speak out there true feelings and longings. They no longer connect in a true loving way.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself creates distance. I often feel like I need to be strong and positive for my husband who is needing support and a positive environment. But in writing this, I think a more supportive stance would be sharing my fear of inadequacy. Thank you for these videos.
In my case -recovery therapy – clients turn to addictions: alcohol, drugs, compulsive behaviors (food, etc.) Since Covid started, the number of OD, binge drinking and self-destructive behaviors have doubled. Young adults smoke weed, which is a severe depressant. Severe anxiety has become in 3 years a very common diagnostic and it is not an over-diagnostic.
So, the answer is: the client turn their self-hatred and shame against themselves, with the social consequences we all know about.
So very true, but what happens when you have tried repeatedly to be authentic and are openly dismissed by those you love? I may love and accept myself well, but risk losing them if I don’t “edit” who I am to suit them when we are together. If I edit and minimize, I am hurting myself. Rather than lose family entirely, I have chosen to spend less time with family to protect myself. It isn’t the best solution.
It only isolates me from Love.
Thank you, Tara. Concealing sadness has prohibited authenticity in relationships and prevented expression of emotions. Feeling and communicating sadness as a child was not encouraged, and when I did, I was humiliated. I be at grateful for this video series!
A slippery downwards slope
Leading towards much resentment and loosing the hope and good energy to rebuilding trust, Joy, and love.
So very appreciative of your messages that I tend to share with clients and hold close to my own heart
Many Thanks,
Blessings,
A;
Thank you Tara for the opportunity and free video but it’s way too complicated to summarize in a comment. I am nonetheless thankful for the reminders to love oneself. We have been been told (by the media mostly) that we are never good, patient, rich, fun, successful, beautiful, thin, sweet, etc, etc. enough….not loving oneself enough😉. I am seeking calm and appreciation of life through mindfulness and meditation.
Not controlling my own emotions and reactions is most probably at the source of my own inadequacy in my relationship. As sage people say you can only control your own reactions.
This builds a wall, intimacy becomes difficult because one is walled off..
Thank you, Tara for this teaching. I’ve only realized how negative comments during my childhood had affected my self confidence, even though I fought back against them. Listening to your teachings, and reading your book “Radical Compassion” has taught me to make the “u turn”. It is helping my communications with my family.
Self doubts surface.
As a Pediatrician, I see a lot of parents who accept that they have unhealthy lifestyle habits and consequences of obesity and they don’t want their children to have to experience what they have had to live through as obese children. They genuinely want to protect their children and are coming from a place of loving kindness. Unfortunately, they seldom have gone through the experience of really accepting and loving themselves unconditionally despite their larger bodies. This makes it extremely difficult for them to radiate “body positive” attitudes to their kids.
I have a ‘belief’ about myself that says I am not intersting enough, not funny enough, just ‘not enough’ to keep it short. So when my partner is not engaging with me in a conversation, or preoccupied, I tend to take it pesonally and believe he acts like that be cause I am not enough interesting. So I get hurt and moody and he has no idea why. I’m learning to tell him about my insecurityies so I can find out what is actually on his mind – and not be triggered for nothing
I really connect to this and know it is at play in my own life, in a big way, the more I digest this awareness. I am keen to heal these patterns in myself and be a stronger support to others.
Simply-not Myself, it takes more energy, and robs me of Joy-and leaves me judging myself and others needlessly.
I need to work on the things I can, accept certain things, and care/want to improve
It increases the physical and emotional distance between them and then the sense of belonging – and any real intimacy – gets lost in the process if neither of them is willing to let the vulnerability they feel show, be seen and cared for by their partner. Both people loose touch with who they truly are and what they really want: an intimate and safe connection with each other
We are all a work in progress 🙂
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, my friends don’t know who I am. Even if they like me, I can’t take it in because I’m not being my real authentic self. So who they are liking, I am not that. Hiding parts of me makes me feel alone and afraid, makes me pull back even more from intimacy and the very thing that could help me. But I’m afraid to be vulnerable, open about myself, intimate for fear of being found unloveable which makes me want to runaway and hide.
What is it in myself that I don’t want others to see? What am I trying to cover up or hide? Oh boy! I’ve been coming to terms with the effects of unprocessed trauma and a lifetime of living with the hidden shame, coping patterns, etc. I am a happy person by nature but I struggled with maintaining relationships and something felt very broken within. So much, it turns out, has been hidden. I’ve learned about attachment styles recently and see that I identify very strongly with the avoidant attachment – I have hurt so many that I have loved. It’s difficult to admit to myself and certainly to my partner that I’ve been living by this set of harsh and distancing believes regarding relationships. Taking one step at a time to untangle.
I feel the need to tell people about myself, what I have done & experienced in my Life over 7+ decades because I feel so unseen and flawed.
Very nice video. Is this the Free Video or just the Introduction?
It is destructive and can cuse arguments, close down sometimes leading to separation.
When I don’t reveal what is truly bothering me about myself, I close myself off from my husband. I’m afraid of feeling less-than or of him trying to “fix me” by offering “helpful” suggestions that only seem to make me feel less worthy and more incapable. At this moment in our relationship, I am more willing to feel “safe” by offering less of myself and avoiding intimacy – especially physical intimacy.
Thank you for this question and for asking for responses. Already I feel an opening in my heart – at least towards myself. Peace and blessings to you and your loved ones 🙏🏻
Thankful to you
Thank Dr. Brach for generosity and creating these videos. This will ge a good reminder for self compassion and to return to love through mindfulness. With Gratitude, Mishelle