Anne Miller, Another Field, Emeryville, CA, USAsays
I’ve had a lifelong fear of new experiences, of speaking in front of others, being judged, trusting myself and others, Probably because of that I haven’t developed good social skills which perpetuates a cycle of frequent feelings that I’ve failed with others, making me more tense the next time. I’ve had quite a bit of therapy beginning with the end of my marriage and continuing on and off for many years but I could never seem to make it feel real, or actually possible, for me.
Even given that, there have been many happy parts of my life and I feel I’ve achieved important insights over the years. I have a wonderful family but continue to feel I’m failing them, with occasional bouts of awkwardness and even a panic attack a while ago. There’s always the overlay of feeling that I’ve never moved into my full presence and humanity.
it means that I am not living my authentic self… and that usually leads my loved ones to feel like I am hiding something. I am disconnected and unattuned to myself, and unable to attune to others, which results in arguments, disagreements or others feeling rejected by me. Ultimately, I feel alone.
Wow Tara! You hit so many pieces of my suffering right now! I don’t know where to begin! I find my self criticism and my defensive posture about who I am and why I am lovable when criticized by my husband, that I become a jumbled mess of emotions and sadness. I’m hurt to hear his accusations of others when I am working to live more with equanimity in myself and for others. He has so little time for me while he too is working long hours and wants the free time he has for himself. Our differences seem magnified rather than finding our unity. This isolation during these many months of pandemic and staying healthy has taken a big toll on our relationship. I look forward to your messages and guidance. Thank you thank you 🙏🏼 💙
When my clients hide what they don’t like about themselves from the people they care about and love they talk about feeling disconnected, distant, lonely, easily irritated and frustrated…….and uncertain and anxious about taking steps for how to change and what that will look like…….
Much of this resonates with me since I’m working hard on changing the narrative of my story. Working on self-acceptance, self-affirmations, being mindful, living in the present, and meditation have helped. I’ve listened to Tara Brach countless times and find her teachings and books wonderful guides.
Sharlene Kerelejza, Social Work, Meriden, CT, USAsays
I was hiding myself thinking I was protecting those I most loved from me hurting them. It turns out that trying to manage myself so I could hide had other costs, like my wife feeling included and valued because I just wasn’t present.
I worked so hard to “protect” her from me that I was too busy doing that to reveal myself to her, and to let her reveal herself to me. I was too scared to be present in this magical life we’d co-created.
I have discovered at my ripe old age of 83 that I want to be loved! That I want to live in kindness with myself and others. That seems to show weakness, and neediness that can be threatening to others. I also have felt that I was not good enough for the two men that I have married, both are dead now. That they were somehow so much better than me, and if they discovered this about me that they would leave me. Each did, one through divorce and the other through death. Yet today, as I mourn their deaths, I keep asking myself the question: Why couldn’t they have loved me. What is really so bad, so evil, so terrible that caused them to reject me.
Trying to hide that I’m trying to control his addiction to try fix & manipulate him to do recovery or therapy when all I’m doing is enabling.
Thank you for your teaching
I fear I don’t work hard enough. And that if I don’t work hard enough, impossibly hard, I don’t deserve love or acceptance. And so I over work, create an unobtainable goal, and feel like despite all my achievements I am still failing: I notice the things I *havent* done. And in doing all that, I leave too little room for real relationship and connection.
My lack of confidence in myself that I am loveable as I am including my ability to draw and paint. And that I am not worthy or good enough to be a professional artist or writer or researcher despite a PhD of academic excellence. This gives me dysfunction and stops me seeing any beauty in my art and writing and I do not want others to see my art because I think they will judge me as hopeless. My temptation then is to stop painting or drawing and feel alone and cut off from connection with others and also, like with my art, judge them and not accept them for who they are. I cannot see them truly. Everything narrows. I’ve been healing this profound and often hidden from me hatred of myself with past help from a trauma therapist and also, critically, meditation and dharma teachings with Tara Brach. I’m often very much healed and have more self belief and joy and try to remember that by welcoming my self criticism and nurturing myself during my fears and terrors that I might learn about myself from them and care for myself. I feel increasingly connected with all things including myself and others more of the time and take more adventures of what I might try and look at mistakes in my art as opportunities and explorations. I more often shrug and sit with the doubt and keep on drawing. And in drawing heal. My castigating inner critic is often gentler now especially when I, despite my fear of reaching out to be honestly with people, do so. I catch the voice and doubts, fears and hurts more often and try to smile and say these all belong and wonder how they might help me know and accept myself and heal. I try to live with loving kindness including for me and in doing so find great joy and creativity amidst much sadness. Thank you so very much.
When I downplay my flaws (impatience, perfectionism, high expectations of others, self-disgust), it definitely smooths my way with people. It seems sort of insane to think about intentionally letting them surface, because they only cause trouble and strife. Curious to see how this will progress.
About 20 years ago in a small shamanic spiritual community of which I was a part for 22 years, we decided after we had been together 5-6 years to share our stories. At the time we were three men and 10-12 women. The story of each of the women was that she had grown up with the clear understanding that she was “Less Than.” None used that phrase but that was the core of each story. Since then I have talked with many women friends who immediately related to the “less than,” often with a DUHH! I have talked with only one woman who didn’t grow up “less than.” She grew up with a strong single mother who absolutely supported her and modeled being a powerful woman. Men have their own disempowering learnings, but they are different from the almost universal (in our culture) “less than” that women learn. I have experienced how difficult it is to be in relationship with someone who doesn’t feel deserving of love. It seems that in our undeservingness we dwell in the past which we then project into the future. Being in relationship is essentially about residing in the present moment.
I think what deepens relationships is intimate and authentic sharing – when the other hears, listens, gets it and accepts, it makes you feel understood. This is nourishment to us humans. If you are hiding stuff because there are parts or aspects of yourself that you do not like or are ashamed about, it lessens what you can authentically share. And keeping stuff hidden (because it feels shameful or unacceptable) means the other’s regard for you seems to you to be based on a lie – “if they really knew me, they would not like/respect/value me …”
I think I “perceive” myself as the ultimate generous person, but there is a shadow to this. When I am not honest with myself about boundaries (I have an autoimmune disease), I end up losing it to an extreme extent. I ultimately hurt others, confusing everyone. It is an area I really need to work on.
Tara, you are a great teacher and communicator. It would be good to explore the difference between “love you” and “care for you”. I believe, love is one of the steps in relationship, in discovering how much someone cares for you before establishing a relationship. Someone can love you without giving a damn, but someone cares for you, he or she cannot but disclose his/her true self. Most failures in relationship are caused by platonic love and failure to discover and disclose the true self.
Linda La France, Counseling, Littleton, NH, USAsays
I guess the biggest thing I am hiding that has affected my relationships is my vulnerability. I don’t want to get hurt emotionally again so I try to do everything perfectly to be accepted, but end up controlling and being too regimental. Even my daughter deleted me from her life and preventing me contacting my grandson, claiming I was over stepping her motherhood. Linda La France from NH.
So true. I teach mindfulness meditation in coordination with therapy and many clients feel resistance to receiving loving kindness. Some can easily send it to others and some feel resistance there as well.
People pretend. so often they try to be who/what they think others want them to be. I see this often, esp with middle aged and older women. its exhausting trying to guess constantly as to what others what from them from so many angles – appearance, conversation, opinions…. they are very tired. Guessing games are very unsettling and this is what I see. exhausted, confused, burnt out women with lots of pain in their bodies from hiding, from trying to keep up the pretense. there is also much fear of being exposed for who they really are ….
I think that the partner would feel as though they were not trusted enough to accept that which their partner was hiding. Trust is everything. If you don’t feel trusted how can you trust your partner?
I agree with Nichiren Diashonin when he said *Erroneous perception is the cause of suffering*. That means, that what we are saying is misunderstood by someone else.
Thanks Tara. I can really relate to this. I often doubt my own abilities and judge myself harshly feeling my colleague might do that better than me. I just don’t want to come across as stupid or lacking.
I have a daily affirmation: I am, and will always be, enough.
I’ve written in my journal every day for the past 6 years.
And yet, I still struggle with self-judgement. And that self-judgement leads to me hiding, not sharing, with my wife and our children–those closest to me.
Thank you for this video series, it comes at the exact right time for me.
It makes the closeness between us very difficult. We lose a deep, authentic connection when I don’t open up about my insecurities & vulnerabilities. The biggest thing I cover up about my self is the desperate need I have always felt to be nurtured, loved & safe.
If I have to hide parts of my self I feel ashamed. And If I feel ashamed, I don‘t want anybody close to me so noone can find out about me and my deficits. That makes me feel lonely.
My behavior of attempting to change myself to please another obscured who I was and who I am and totally undermined my marriage. During Covid (lockdown) it became impossible to maintain my marriage based on pleasing someone else. While I’m in mourning now, I’ve also never been more free to be myself. I need help reestablishing me!
Thank You, Tara! I am crying! I often cry with your classes/podcasts. After 75 very successful years, about 55 of which I have been married, the past five have been suffering alone with shame and guilt related to perceived imperfections and fears of my own inadequacies. Ego driven workaholism has given way to inquiry and mindfulness practices since divorce and retirement while I wrestle with perfectionism alone. David. Turkeyguy48@gmail.com
being sensitive, vulnerable and needing others and when I get angry when I am not seen… I struggle showing these and get frustrated when I show them a little and then I am abandoned because the person in the relationship doesn’t accept me.
It means I am unhappy with myself and that unhappiness then manifests anger towards my loved ones. It puts a strain on my relationships. It creates angst for myself and my loved ones.
The more we like, appreciate, and express ourselves, the more others like, appreciate, and accept us. What we hide doesn’t really stay hidden. It leaks out. So, our relationships are tainted by those Shadow parts like a dark cloud hanging over us.
I’ve had a lifelong fear of new experiences, of speaking in front of others, being judged, trusting myself and others, Probably because of that I haven’t developed good social skills which perpetuates a cycle of frequent feelings that I’ve failed with others, making me more tense the next time. I’ve had quite a bit of therapy beginning with the end of my marriage and continuing on and off for many years but I could never seem to make it feel real, or actually possible, for me.
Even given that, there have been many happy parts of my life and I feel I’ve achieved important insights over the years. I have a wonderful family but continue to feel I’m failing them, with occasional bouts of awkwardness and even a panic attack a while ago. There’s always the overlay of feeling that I’ve never moved into my full presence and humanity.
I really really enjoy your meditation classes.
It reduces openness, trust, and ease with others. and causes me to fell “less than” them.
it means that I am not living my authentic self… and that usually leads my loved ones to feel like I am hiding something. I am disconnected and unattuned to myself, and unable to attune to others, which results in arguments, disagreements or others feeling rejected by me. Ultimately, I feel alone.
Scary
Not being honest is sometimes scary
Wow Tara! You hit so many pieces of my suffering right now! I don’t know where to begin! I find my self criticism and my defensive posture about who I am and why I am lovable when criticized by my husband, that I become a jumbled mess of emotions and sadness. I’m hurt to hear his accusations of others when I am working to live more with equanimity in myself and for others. He has so little time for me while he too is working long hours and wants the free time he has for himself. Our differences seem magnified rather than finding our unity. This isolation during these many months of pandemic and staying healthy has taken a big toll on our relationship. I look forward to your messages and guidance. Thank you thank you 🙏🏼 💙
Need self love
Sadness, shallowness, distrust of self shifting todistrust of others…
Thanks for the push to name.
When my clients hide what they don’t like about themselves from the people they care about and love they talk about feeling disconnected, distant, lonely, easily irritated and frustrated…….and uncertain and anxious about taking steps for how to change and what that will look like…….
As always Tara so very fine and relatable
Much of this resonates with me since I’m working hard on changing the narrative of my story. Working on self-acceptance, self-affirmations, being mindful, living in the present, and meditation have helped. I’ve listened to Tara Brach countless times and find her teachings and books wonderful guides.
I feel inadequate and as a result I avoid interaction with others.
I was hiding myself thinking I was protecting those I most loved from me hurting them. It turns out that trying to manage myself so I could hide had other costs, like my wife feeling included and valued because I just wasn’t present.
I worked so hard to “protect” her from me that I was too busy doing that to reveal myself to her, and to let her reveal herself to me. I was too scared to be present in this magical life we’d co-created.
Thank you flor this insightful resource.
Most likely, they are sensitive to seeing that part of themselves in others and when it does show up, contempt and criticism do too.
Ug! All that you mentioned of what I don’t want others to see apply to me!
I simply withdraw from relationships and contact with others. Too much effort and pain.
I have discovered at my ripe old age of 83 that I want to be loved! That I want to live in kindness with myself and others. That seems to show weakness, and neediness that can be threatening to others. I also have felt that I was not good enough for the two men that I have married, both are dead now. That they were somehow so much better than me, and if they discovered this about me that they would leave me. Each did, one through divorce and the other through death. Yet today, as I mourn their deaths, I keep asking myself the question: Why couldn’t they have loved me. What is really so bad, so evil, so terrible that caused them to reject me.
It makes it very hard to make a real connection with others.
Trying to hide that I’m trying to control his addiction to try fix & manipulate him to do recovery or therapy when all I’m doing is enabling.
Thank you for your teaching
I fear I don’t work hard enough. And that if I don’t work hard enough, impossibly hard, I don’t deserve love or acceptance. And so I over work, create an unobtainable goal, and feel like despite all my achievements I am still failing: I notice the things I *havent* done. And in doing all that, I leave too little room for real relationship and connection.
Thank you for this timely help! Such gracious and open hearted gift. May you be blessed!!
My lack of confidence in myself that I am loveable as I am including my ability to draw and paint. And that I am not worthy or good enough to be a professional artist or writer or researcher despite a PhD of academic excellence. This gives me dysfunction and stops me seeing any beauty in my art and writing and I do not want others to see my art because I think they will judge me as hopeless. My temptation then is to stop painting or drawing and feel alone and cut off from connection with others and also, like with my art, judge them and not accept them for who they are. I cannot see them truly. Everything narrows. I’ve been healing this profound and often hidden from me hatred of myself with past help from a trauma therapist and also, critically, meditation and dharma teachings with Tara Brach. I’m often very much healed and have more self belief and joy and try to remember that by welcoming my self criticism and nurturing myself during my fears and terrors that I might learn about myself from them and care for myself. I feel increasingly connected with all things including myself and others more of the time and take more adventures of what I might try and look at mistakes in my art as opportunities and explorations. I more often shrug and sit with the doubt and keep on drawing. And in drawing heal. My castigating inner critic is often gentler now especially when I, despite my fear of reaching out to be honestly with people, do so. I catch the voice and doubts, fears and hurts more often and try to smile and say these all belong and wonder how they might help me know and accept myself and heal. I try to live with loving kindness including for me and in doing so find great joy and creativity amidst much sadness. Thank you so very much.
I love this and relate. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. And for your courage. You’ve helped me.
When I downplay my flaws (impatience, perfectionism, high expectations of others, self-disgust), it definitely smooths my way with people. It seems sort of insane to think about intentionally letting them surface, because they only cause trouble and strife. Curious to see how this will progress.
About 20 years ago in a small shamanic spiritual community of which I was a part for 22 years, we decided after we had been together 5-6 years to share our stories. At the time we were three men and 10-12 women. The story of each of the women was that she had grown up with the clear understanding that she was “Less Than.” None used that phrase but that was the core of each story. Since then I have talked with many women friends who immediately related to the “less than,” often with a DUHH! I have talked with only one woman who didn’t grow up “less than.” She grew up with a strong single mother who absolutely supported her and modeled being a powerful woman. Men have their own disempowering learnings, but they are different from the almost universal (in our culture) “less than” that women learn. I have experienced how difficult it is to be in relationship with someone who doesn’t feel deserving of love. It seems that in our undeservingness we dwell in the past which we then project into the future. Being in relationship is essentially about residing in the present moment.
I think what deepens relationships is intimate and authentic sharing – when the other hears, listens, gets it and accepts, it makes you feel understood. This is nourishment to us humans. If you are hiding stuff because there are parts or aspects of yourself that you do not like or are ashamed about, it lessens what you can authentically share. And keeping stuff hidden (because it feels shameful or unacceptable) means the other’s regard for you seems to you to be based on a lie – “if they really knew me, they would not like/respect/value me …”
I think I “perceive” myself as the ultimate generous person, but there is a shadow to this. When I am not honest with myself about boundaries (I have an autoimmune disease), I end up losing it to an extreme extent. I ultimately hurt others, confusing everyone. It is an area I really need to work on.
Tara, you are a great teacher and communicator. It would be good to explore the difference between “love you” and “care for you”. I believe, love is one of the steps in relationship, in discovering how much someone cares for you before establishing a relationship. Someone can love you without giving a damn, but someone cares for you, he or she cannot but disclose his/her true self. Most failures in relationship are caused by platonic love and failure to discover and disclose the true self.
Okey, your admirer, CA
I guess the biggest thing I am hiding that has affected my relationships is my vulnerability. I don’t want to get hurt emotionally again so I try to do everything perfectly to be accepted, but end up controlling and being too regimental. Even my daughter deleted me from her life and preventing me contacting my grandson, claiming I was over stepping her motherhood. Linda La France from NH.
So true. I teach mindfulness meditation in coordination with therapy and many clients feel resistance to receiving loving kindness. Some can easily send it to others and some feel resistance there as well.
Separation and stress.
People pretend. so often they try to be who/what they think others want them to be. I see this often, esp with middle aged and older women. its exhausting trying to guess constantly as to what others what from them from so many angles – appearance, conversation, opinions…. they are very tired. Guessing games are very unsettling and this is what I see. exhausted, confused, burnt out women with lots of pain in their bodies from hiding, from trying to keep up the pretense. there is also much fear of being exposed for who they really are ….
I think that the partner would feel as though they were not trusted enough to accept that which their partner was hiding. Trust is everything. If you don’t feel trusted how can you trust your partner?
I agree with Nichiren Diashonin when he said *Erroneous perception is the cause of suffering*. That means, that what we are saying is misunderstood by someone else.
I cannot “fix” what I have hidden, from myself, for these many years. I am beginning to see what I have been avoiding.
Thanks Tara. I can really relate to this. I often doubt my own abilities and judge myself harshly feeling my colleague might do that better than me. I just don’t want to come across as stupid or lacking.
That physician story really resonated.
I have a daily affirmation: I am, and will always be, enough.
I’ve written in my journal every day for the past 6 years.
And yet, I still struggle with self-judgement. And that self-judgement leads to me hiding, not sharing, with my wife and our children–those closest to me.
Thank you for this video series, it comes at the exact right time for me.
I build an invisible wall around myself and limit my connections. I’m not honest and pretend everything is fine.
It makes the closeness between us very difficult. We lose a deep, authentic connection when I don’t open up about my insecurities & vulnerabilities. The biggest thing I cover up about my self is the desperate need I have always felt to be nurtured, loved & safe.
If I have to hide parts of my self I feel ashamed. And If I feel ashamed, I don‘t want anybody close to me so noone can find out about me and my deficits. That makes me feel lonely.
My behavior of attempting to change myself to please another obscured who I was and who I am and totally undermined my marriage. During Covid (lockdown) it became impossible to maintain my marriage based on pleasing someone else. While I’m in mourning now, I’ve also never been more free to be myself. I need help reestablishing me!
They could easily be externally focussed on other to support them and judge other for not holding them.
Looking forward to the next videos. This was very insightful.
Thank You, Tara! I am crying! I often cry with your classes/podcasts. After 75 very successful years, about 55 of which I have been married, the past five have been suffering alone with shame and guilt related to perceived imperfections and fears of my own inadequacies. Ego driven workaholism has given way to inquiry and mindfulness practices since divorce and retirement while I wrestle with perfectionism alone. David. Turkeyguy48@gmail.com
being sensitive, vulnerable and needing others and when I get angry when I am not seen… I struggle showing these and get frustrated when I show them a little and then I am abandoned because the person in the relationship doesn’t accept me.
It means I am unhappy with myself and that unhappiness then manifests anger towards my loved ones. It puts a strain on my relationships. It creates angst for myself and my loved ones.
The more we like, appreciate, and express ourselves, the more others like, appreciate, and accept us. What we hide doesn’t really stay hidden. It leaks out. So, our relationships are tainted by those Shadow parts like a dark cloud hanging over us.
Covering up my real self keeps me from feeling vulnerable.
I don’t get close