Well, they don’t realize the distance they begin to generate in the relationship, through negative reactions, silence, being absence even when they are present
Thank you so much Tara and NICABM for sharing these amazing material 🙏
Powerful question.
Hiding self leads to inauthentic interactions.
Hiding what one doesn’t like about themselves can lead to an increase in self loathing and frustration.
Feeling inadequate can be an issue as well.
It leads to me not feeling like myself, triggering insecurities that come out in self-criticism, moodiness, anxiety or sheer silence on my part and a sense of disconnection. It makes me feel isolated and lonely.
What I’ve always wanted in close relationships was intimacy and that’s the very thing that is impossible when I don’t want to — don’t feel safe to — really expose all of me (physically and emotionally, both).
Do you feel it’s still
possible for people to adjust their own perception of themselves, even old age? I am referring to my Mum aged 81, and my elder sister aged 61. I see how my Mum’s projections keep us bound in old ways. I have hit a wall with this, as I want to break free of the negativity, and fulfil my potential while I still have my health, etc:, recently I have distanced myself from my elder sister. Although I still love her, I just feel I can’t be bothered with upholding the illusion that I am inferior to her in every way. Through the basic sense of unworthiness we were all taught, to make any demands at all, whether in life, work, or love, is either ugly or downright impossible seeing as we don’t know how to negotiate (still to this day) or it’s seen as bad manners and crass. I am not prepared to live like that anymore. It’s not just for myself. I want to liberate my sister too. She seems to be an inverted narcissist, if there is such a thing. She’s generally quite sardonic, superior and dismissive. She loves to hate also, which I find very disturbing. She lives with her mother in law, who she doesn’t like. Recently she was blaming me for a lot of things, even going back to the age of 15, when a boy she fancied froze her out. I spend a lot of time every day thinking about my sister, but I am angry that she won’t take responsibility for the way she feels at ages 61, but I am expected to atone for everything. She doesn’t want to aknowledge many things which happen are not all accidents – she has the right and the ability to change the outcome – and she’s not a victim of circumstance (as I am not either(.
Lucinda Pauley, Another Field, Easthampton, MA, USAsays
U think I am doing o.k. with liking myself. I’ve been through a great deal, lost many very important relationships since my twenties, resulting in prolonged grief. But I found my way into dharma practices, then many somatic healing practices and an a mazing integrative mental health community, called Windhorse. I’ve come to a place of cutting mself slack and doing that for others. Recently though I was contacted by a my first boyfriend when I was 18 and we had’t heard from one another in 50 years! I was ecstatic and found myself filled with profound desire to have his attentions and to deepen into intimacy as a close friend with him. He came into my life in a way that catalalyzed a tremendous shift and ope me into a new level of self awareness and joy. However, he had some reversals at work and says he does not have space for friendship. He is very independent appears to be immersed in his very dynamic work. Although I know he is there if I am in great need, but he is lost to me. He reminds me of the doctor that you described, although he does seem to be equanimous and trust himself. I resonate so much about the vital importance of connecting with good friends at this time.
I have let go of the desire issue and the clinging and need for attention. I have a great network of wonderful friends. I can give space and silence to him and see it as a gift of understanding for him. However, my problem is that I have concern that he may actually be unable to open up and share in a way that could nourish him. I am mediating on this a lot, looking into it, but cannot see a way at this time to challenge or rather offer something that could serve him. I am not sure enough in myself to think I can present this to him in a way that he would accept of feel safe. My sense is to continue to grow and develop and keep him in my heart and meditations until a time when it will clarify as to what actions I could reasonably take that he would understand and respond to. I am o.k., but I sure miss him. He is a great person.
All this to say that I appreciated your presentation, it is affirms my belief that he may truly be hiding and that I can be a good friend as I evolve and we will find a way. I am getting the book by your friend on Radical Friendship to learn some other aspects of this really important issue. Thank you for some great support.
Many Blessings, Shen (Lucinda) Pauley
P.S. I formerly worked on staff at IMS for many years and I met you there when you gave a presentation back in the early or mid 2000’s.
They will try to conform to how they think they should be become ever more tied up about the hidden parts and eventually get sick physically or mentally
Teresa Pence, Another Field, Carson City, NV, USAsays
I have had trouble with self consciousness, insecurity, low self esteem and feeling less than for my entire life. I would love to love myself and be comfortable in any setting.
Superficial connection…
However, a real fear is often having been vulnerable and having the vulnerability be used to assign all responsibility for difficulties on the one who shared:
Example: it’s you, you can’t trust me because of your past experiences or, you can’t love me because you don’t love yourself (when current partner behaves in ways that injure trust).
My relationships tend to fall in two categories, either all in deep and full of attachement judgement and jealousy or simply cold and polite. I hide my age, my past relationships because of shame or fear of what others might think of me maybe 🤔.
I actually feel that I might be too much, rather than not enough.
I am very enthusiastic, passionate, playful and talkative.
I fear I may be more than others can handle.
i have been told so by some of my closest friends.
I really cant hide this quality, andI fear I may alienate others because of it.
I put up a defensive wall that alienates me from them and them from me. I assume they don’t want to know how I feel when actually I’m not even sharing it…I assume that the worst things I think about myself are what everyone else thinks too. Ultimately We grow further apart.
Isolation and loneliness have been big issues and sources of pain in my life as a result of growing up displaced from much of my family and, in adulthood, having a former partner who wasn’t very open or giving emotionally. As a result of this, I often feel unlovable, threatened, and desperate, which ultimately makes me feel pathetic. With friends, this can make me act aloof so I don’t get caught caring more than them.
My husband and I have been separated for 9 years. It was a very painful separation. He had an affair for 5 years and I was totally blindsided. Since then he has moved on with other relationships. Has a new family,house ,etc. I ended up sick with various conditions and I havent moved on . Still stuck 9 years later. I feel like I’m not good enough to have another relationship. I was so hurt and shocked by the events .I’ve devalued myself and have remained stuck in this hole. When I think about another relationship I feel very inadequate and judged. I am trying hard to move forward but it’s like spinning tires in the mud.
It affects my relationship with others by making me feel vulnerable and defensive. I get irritated very easily and resort to verbal aggression. Then I get even more upset about the way I perceive myself . It’s a vicious circle
It affects their relationships because it’s a form of denial. And any form of denial is a type of lying or movement away from the truth which will most definitely affect relationships negatively either in the short term or long term or both.
Connection is needed now, more than ever. It is reassuring that Tara and others in her realm are recognizing this need and providing opportunities to increase connections.
It creates what one could call a “false bottom”, a secret space where it’s not OK to go, for me or in the relationship. It also feels like living a lie, and an incapacity to really open my heart.
It means I have some shame about who I am. I don’t want to be too close to anyone because they will see my imperfections.
The relationship cannot grow in intimacy without allowing my partner to hear/see who I am….that takes courage and trust
I’m doing my best with all that I have learned about partner relationships
I am allowing myself to take small steps and be loving curious about my inner critic
Kristin Schmidt, Other, McKinleyville, CA, USAsays
I am learning to not hide those things from others. I take note when I am hiding behind something defensive and try to be open about it on the spot. I know there are things inside I don’t like and haven’t ever liked, like my insecurity, discomfort with new situations and people, and feeling vulnerable. However, I am learning- with your help I might add!- to recognize those feelings and lean in rather than close down/off. And I apologize when necessary if those things create negativity between myself and another.
Justina Shandler, Other, Santa Clarita, CA, USAsays
My feelings of inadequacy / not being smart or good enough leave me feeling broken and like I can only show my face when I feel good or am performing well. Trouble is, when I’m not feeling good about myself, I start arguments over little things, over-criticize others, completely shut down or withdraw. I want to do different.
Great question. I can’t shut off only part of my self or my emotions, without dulling everything. That constant governor is… constant. So of course I’m not available. And I’m certainly not spontaneous! Joy is a spontaneous thing, I can’t stop to evaluate if I’m worthy of it or if it’s safe to feel it without invoking some dire consequences; I miss the chance to be present in it.
Video: Thought provoking question.
Reflecting on this question, what happens for me is that by emphasizing in my mind what I don’t like about myself rather than seeing the whole picture of strengths as well as short-comings or problems, then I become avoidant of exposure leading to criticism or judgment. Thats because I’m already feeling overwhelmed by my own self judgement. And that effects my relationships by leading to missed opportunities for connection and the self revealing that creates true intimacy.
Carol Horan, Marriage/Family Therapy, Goodyear, AZ, USAsays
This video confirms my prior belief that people who feel good about themselves don’t have a need to put others down. When you are OK within yourself you are better able to relate to others and be more open to intimacy with your partner/spouse.
Lynne Manning, Another Field, Rockport, ME, USAsays
Hi Tara and Company, Listened to many, many youtube and podcasts and are very grateful to have access to these teachings. I have a Buddhist practice and Sangha which is very important to me, and that helps me slow down and be mindful, take inventory of what’s happening in my life, and one of the biggest practices for me in the last two years, is accepting the present moment and accepting myself, whatever is happening, just with everyday conversations and doings. Trying not to distract myself to run away from that moment and what it will bring. Very life changing for me, day by day. I really don’t know where I would be without my spiritual practice. The biggest struggle I have is that I live alone now, with 3 cats and two dogs, so that’s a big love for me, my animals, but no partner to relate, confide, and support me. This is my big challenge at the moment, and it goes up and down, just like all of life’s challenges. Trying to find more of a balance, but really, I’m happy for the most part, just being there for myself, my animals, and very few friends. This quiet time has helped me to be more rational and loving to others and myself, and the world’s problems. Thanks for letting me share….. Lynne Manning xoxox
Hiding what I don’t like about myself a full-time job. I often try to avoid others b/c being around them is triggering. I realize that this attitude is often just a form of hiding what I am afraid will come out if I’m vulnerable. I’m irritable and critical of myself and this is exactly how I am with others, at times. This short-circuits joy, connection, play…
It is likely the clients will not appear to be open-handed, open-hearted and welcoming to others. They do have something to hide that they are ashamed of and so avoid authentic interaction in relationship. Critical of themselves they hesitate to relate with genuine and honest interactions. Their avoidance of others creates confusion for them as it is unlikely they can ‘play it straight’ or spontaneous.
I am realising when I accept the judgement of me by others, that I know in my head is NOT true, a part of me has accepted it and owned it and agreed. Then I become angry and in the anger comes an armour, and I close down. And I need to protect my vulnerable part.
I am looking forward tp the next video, because I have been mindfully pushing back, recognising what is being said to me, is not about me and I don’t want to own it.
The minute I start to feel angry at the unfairness, hurt by the unfairness, I lash out and then I have closed down. I am in a trance, seperated, from my true self.
And then I hide…..what I think are my flaws, being frigthened I will be found oput for being less than I want, feeling guilty I haven’t down enough to be better, kinder, more understanding of others. I set an impossible bar for myself, that I can never achieve, and I don’t want to be found out!
very true. vulnerability is so hard to accept in ourselves and it does lead to shutting down and distancing. It is also scary at times to see strong people’s vulnerabilities, especially when people depend on them. thanks for the insights.
thank you so much for this, dearest Tara, I also feel that this is so important in these times and I am so grateful to you for responding to this urge. Regarding me, I was all my life trying to be so perfect, that I had been very little in a relationships … I felt like I am not perfect enough for almost anyone..I was picking just guys, whose situation seemed to be much worse than mine. And only discovering mindfulness and Tara ´s talks opened for me the space for my imperfection, normality and my real values. Thank you for that and also for this space to express ourselves. Reading other ´s stories is also so inspiring…Bless you all !)
Hiding things about myself makes me feel private. I struggle with regulating my anger at times and this can affect my relationships with my kids and partner.I don’t mind being private and can accomplish lots in my own company but sharing my thoughts, vision and ideas; as well as listening to my loved ones point of view is my biggest challenge and work towards.
Keeps me more stuck and fearful.
It causes them to shut down anything they fear will reveal the parts of themselves they don’t like. This is felt by their partner as distancing.
Well, they don’t realize the distance they begin to generate in the relationship, through negative reactions, silence, being absence even when they are present
Thank you so much Tara and NICABM for sharing these amazing material 🙏
🙏
Powerful question.
Hiding self leads to inauthentic interactions.
Hiding what one doesn’t like about themselves can lead to an increase in self loathing and frustration.
Feeling inadequate can be an issue as well.
It leads to me not feeling like myself, triggering insecurities that come out in self-criticism, moodiness, anxiety or sheer silence on my part and a sense of disconnection. It makes me feel isolated and lonely.
I afraid I won’t have the answers people need and then I may not have their acceptance
What I’ve always wanted in close relationships was intimacy and that’s the very thing that is impossible when I don’t want to — don’t feel safe to — really expose all of me (physically and emotionally, both).
Do you feel it’s still
possible for people to adjust their own perception of themselves, even old age? I am referring to my Mum aged 81, and my elder sister aged 61. I see how my Mum’s projections keep us bound in old ways. I have hit a wall with this, as I want to break free of the negativity, and fulfil my potential while I still have my health, etc:, recently I have distanced myself from my elder sister. Although I still love her, I just feel I can’t be bothered with upholding the illusion that I am inferior to her in every way. Through the basic sense of unworthiness we were all taught, to make any demands at all, whether in life, work, or love, is either ugly or downright impossible seeing as we don’t know how to negotiate (still to this day) or it’s seen as bad manners and crass. I am not prepared to live like that anymore. It’s not just for myself. I want to liberate my sister too. She seems to be an inverted narcissist, if there is such a thing. She’s generally quite sardonic, superior and dismissive. She loves to hate also, which I find very disturbing. She lives with her mother in law, who she doesn’t like. Recently she was blaming me for a lot of things, even going back to the age of 15, when a boy she fancied froze her out. I spend a lot of time every day thinking about my sister, but I am angry that she won’t take responsibility for the way she feels at ages 61, but I am expected to atone for everything. She doesn’t want to aknowledge many things which happen are not all accidents – she has the right and the ability to change the outcome – and she’s not a victim of circumstance (as I am not either(.
U think I am doing o.k. with liking myself. I’ve been through a great deal, lost many very important relationships since my twenties, resulting in prolonged grief. But I found my way into dharma practices, then many somatic healing practices and an a mazing integrative mental health community, called Windhorse. I’ve come to a place of cutting mself slack and doing that for others. Recently though I was contacted by a my first boyfriend when I was 18 and we had’t heard from one another in 50 years! I was ecstatic and found myself filled with profound desire to have his attentions and to deepen into intimacy as a close friend with him. He came into my life in a way that catalalyzed a tremendous shift and ope me into a new level of self awareness and joy. However, he had some reversals at work and says he does not have space for friendship. He is very independent appears to be immersed in his very dynamic work. Although I know he is there if I am in great need, but he is lost to me. He reminds me of the doctor that you described, although he does seem to be equanimous and trust himself. I resonate so much about the vital importance of connecting with good friends at this time.
I have let go of the desire issue and the clinging and need for attention. I have a great network of wonderful friends. I can give space and silence to him and see it as a gift of understanding for him. However, my problem is that I have concern that he may actually be unable to open up and share in a way that could nourish him. I am mediating on this a lot, looking into it, but cannot see a way at this time to challenge or rather offer something that could serve him. I am not sure enough in myself to think I can present this to him in a way that he would accept of feel safe. My sense is to continue to grow and develop and keep him in my heart and meditations until a time when it will clarify as to what actions I could reasonably take that he would understand and respond to. I am o.k., but I sure miss him. He is a great person.
All this to say that I appreciated your presentation, it is affirms my belief that he may truly be hiding and that I can be a good friend as I evolve and we will find a way. I am getting the book by your friend on Radical Friendship to learn some other aspects of this really important issue. Thank you for some great support.
Many Blessings, Shen (Lucinda) Pauley
P.S. I formerly worked on staff at IMS for many years and I met you there when you gave a presentation back in the early or mid 2000’s.
They will try to conform to how they think they should be become ever more tied up about the hidden parts and eventually get sick physically or mentally
I have shame because of what I hide and I have shame because I am hiding it. The shame becomes a wall between me and the other person.
I have had trouble with self consciousness, insecurity, low self esteem and feeling less than for my entire life. I would love to love myself and be comfortable in any setting.
I have lost myself within. I can’t rewind my brain. Going through separation. List everything even myself. I just can’t find happiness within myself
Many of people them fee
Isolated and lonely and long to be fully seen, but struggle to be their authentic selves in relationships.
Superficial connection…
However, a real fear is often having been vulnerable and having the vulnerability be used to assign all responsibility for difficulties on the one who shared:
Example: it’s you, you can’t trust me because of your past experiences or, you can’t love me because you don’t love yourself (when current partner behaves in ways that injure trust).
My relationships tend to fall in two categories, either all in deep and full of attachement judgement and jealousy or simply cold and polite. I hide my age, my past relationships because of shame or fear of what others might think of me maybe 🤔.
Fear
Thank you
I actually feel that I might be too much, rather than not enough.
I am very enthusiastic, passionate, playful and talkative.
I fear I may be more than others can handle.
i have been told so by some of my closest friends.
I really cant hide this quality, andI fear I may alienate others because of it.
I put up a defensive wall that alienates me from them and them from me. I assume they don’t want to know how I feel when actually I’m not even sharing it…I assume that the worst things I think about myself are what everyone else thinks too. Ultimately We grow further apart.
Isolation and loneliness have been big issues and sources of pain in my life as a result of growing up displaced from much of my family and, in adulthood, having a former partner who wasn’t very open or giving emotionally. As a result of this, I often feel unlovable, threatened, and desperate, which ultimately makes me feel pathetic. With friends, this can make me act aloof so I don’t get caught caring more than them.
It stifles true connection and acceptance of our uniqueness.
Too commercial
My husband and I have been separated for 9 years. It was a very painful separation. He had an affair for 5 years and I was totally blindsided. Since then he has moved on with other relationships. Has a new family,house ,etc. I ended up sick with various conditions and I havent moved on . Still stuck 9 years later. I feel like I’m not good enough to have another relationship. I was so hurt and shocked by the events .I’ve devalued myself and have remained stuck in this hole. When I think about another relationship I feel very inadequate and judged. I am trying hard to move forward but it’s like spinning tires in the mud.
Huge Tara Brach fan, anything she says, writes, send by ESP, lolz… yes, please! 🙂
It affects my relationship with others by making me feel vulnerable and defensive. I get irritated very easily and resort to verbal aggression. Then I get even more upset about the way I perceive myself . It’s a vicious circle
I think Iam inpatient when people don’t agree and then I pull awAy and become resentful
It affects their relationships because it’s a form of denial. And any form of denial is a type of lying or movement away from the truth which will most definitely affect relationships negatively either in the short term or long term or both.
Connection is needed now, more than ever. It is reassuring that Tara and others in her realm are recognizing this need and providing opportunities to increase connections.
It creates what one could call a “false bottom”, a secret space where it’s not OK to go, for me or in the relationship. It also feels like living a lie, and an incapacity to really open my heart.
It means I have some shame about who I am. I don’t want to be too close to anyone because they will see my imperfections.
The relationship cannot grow in intimacy without allowing my partner to hear/see who I am….that takes courage and trust
I’m doing my best with all that I have learned about partner relationships
I am allowing myself to take small steps and be loving curious about my inner critic
I am learning to not hide those things from others. I take note when I am hiding behind something defensive and try to be open about it on the spot. I know there are things inside I don’t like and haven’t ever liked, like my insecurity, discomfort with new situations and people, and feeling vulnerable. However, I am learning- with your help I might add!- to recognize those feelings and lean in rather than close down/off. And I apologize when necessary if those things create negativity between myself and another.
I fear intimacy.
I’m not enough, in not good enough.
My feelings of inadequacy / not being smart or good enough leave me feeling broken and like I can only show my face when I feel good or am performing well. Trouble is, when I’m not feeling good about myself, I start arguments over little things, over-criticize others, completely shut down or withdraw. I want to do different.
Great question. I can’t shut off only part of my self or my emotions, without dulling everything. That constant governor is… constant. So of course I’m not available. And I’m certainly not spontaneous! Joy is a spontaneous thing, I can’t stop to evaluate if I’m worthy of it or if it’s safe to feel it without invoking some dire consequences; I miss the chance to be present in it.
Video: Thought provoking question.
Reflecting on this question, what happens for me is that by emphasizing in my mind what I don’t like about myself rather than seeing the whole picture of strengths as well as short-comings or problems, then I become avoidant of exposure leading to criticism or judgment. Thats because I’m already feeling overwhelmed by my own self judgement. And that effects my relationships by leading to missed opportunities for connection and the self revealing that creates true intimacy.
They feel alone and a fraud, they feel depressed and unable to be truly seen.
This video confirms my prior belief that people who feel good about themselves don’t have a need to put others down. When you are OK within yourself you are better able to relate to others and be more open to intimacy with your partner/spouse.
Hi Tara and Company, Listened to many, many youtube and podcasts and are very grateful to have access to these teachings. I have a Buddhist practice and Sangha which is very important to me, and that helps me slow down and be mindful, take inventory of what’s happening in my life, and one of the biggest practices for me in the last two years, is accepting the present moment and accepting myself, whatever is happening, just with everyday conversations and doings. Trying not to distract myself to run away from that moment and what it will bring. Very life changing for me, day by day. I really don’t know where I would be without my spiritual practice. The biggest struggle I have is that I live alone now, with 3 cats and two dogs, so that’s a big love for me, my animals, but no partner to relate, confide, and support me. This is my big challenge at the moment, and it goes up and down, just like all of life’s challenges. Trying to find more of a balance, but really, I’m happy for the most part, just being there for myself, my animals, and very few friends. This quiet time has helped me to be more rational and loving to others and myself, and the world’s problems. Thanks for letting me share….. Lynne Manning xoxox
Hiding what I don’t like about myself a full-time job. I often try to avoid others b/c being around them is triggering. I realize that this attitude is often just a form of hiding what I am afraid will come out if I’m vulnerable. I’m irritable and critical of myself and this is exactly how I am with others, at times. This short-circuits joy, connection, play…
It is likely the clients will not appear to be open-handed, open-hearted and welcoming to others. They do have something to hide that they are ashamed of and so avoid authentic interaction in relationship. Critical of themselves they hesitate to relate with genuine and honest interactions. Their avoidance of others creates confusion for them as it is unlikely they can ‘play it straight’ or spontaneous.
I AM FOLLOWONG Tara for a long time
As always, Tara touches on real, palpable sources of our, my, discomfort and unhelpful behaviors. Thank you.
I am realising when I accept the judgement of me by others, that I know in my head is NOT true, a part of me has accepted it and owned it and agreed. Then I become angry and in the anger comes an armour, and I close down. And I need to protect my vulnerable part.
I am looking forward tp the next video, because I have been mindfully pushing back, recognising what is being said to me, is not about me and I don’t want to own it.
The minute I start to feel angry at the unfairness, hurt by the unfairness, I lash out and then I have closed down. I am in a trance, seperated, from my true self.
And then I hide…..what I think are my flaws, being frigthened I will be found oput for being less than I want, feeling guilty I haven’t down enough to be better, kinder, more understanding of others. I set an impossible bar for myself, that I can never achieve, and I don’t want to be found out!
very true. vulnerability is so hard to accept in ourselves and it does lead to shutting down and distancing. It is also scary at times to see strong people’s vulnerabilities, especially when people depend on them. thanks for the insights.
thank you so much for this, dearest Tara, I also feel that this is so important in these times and I am so grateful to you for responding to this urge. Regarding me, I was all my life trying to be so perfect, that I had been very little in a relationships … I felt like I am not perfect enough for almost anyone..I was picking just guys, whose situation seemed to be much worse than mine. And only discovering mindfulness and Tara ´s talks opened for me the space for my imperfection, normality and my real values. Thank you for that and also for this space to express ourselves. Reading other ´s stories is also so inspiring…Bless you all !)
Hiding things about myself makes me feel private. I struggle with regulating my anger at times and this can affect my relationships with my kids and partner.I don’t mind being private and can accomplish lots in my own company but sharing my thoughts, vision and ideas; as well as listening to my loved ones point of view is my biggest challenge and work towards.
Judgement surely does end meaningful communication. Thanks much for the reminder.