I forced a relationship that I was not ready.
But later I could not let go. I started to love that person. Then he left. Wasn’t coming back.
I criticized his behavior constantly. I lost him..
Although I apologized..nothing changed.
Hiding what I most dislike about myself keeps a “safe” distance in my most important relationships. There’s a distance that provides what I think is a safety but it’s false, it’s not a safety , it’s a lack of intimacy and I then feel angry, frustrated and alone. It puzzles me because I recognize these feelings which I don’t welcome but can’t change the behaviors that keep this distance.
Betty Adler, Health Education, Bethesda , MD, USAsays
Trust becomes an issue. When you don’t like yourself, you don’t trust that others will like who you are or who you appear to be. Relationships not based on trust cannot grow, cannot deepen.
Hiding something about themselves makes a person feel hidden. Unavailable for friendship or love. It creates a sense of something being withheld and leads to lack of trust and lack of connection since there is a ‘barrier’ up.
I cover up my perceived failures. That I never got married, didn’t have a biological child, never got a degree. That I am successful in my own business and have a bright adult adopted son seems not enough. Especially since my son was an addict for many years. I hide my self judgement, guilt and shame. I also hide my body.
I am an 83 year old woman who still feels insecurity about love. I believe I revert back to having been abandon at age 10 by my father. It always comes into play in my relationships with men. Of course my last man friend of 6 years died 8 years ago. So now it is more specifically learning how to deal with real aging and can I ever again even have a love relationship. I am tied up, lonely, and not able to really open up. Too much pain
When I hide that I don’t feel my partner would want to be with me if I don’t continue to provide the level of support in the form of doing everything for me, it makes me feel resentful and that I only matter because of what I do for him. I don’t want to share this because he is disabled and I feel bad for feeling this way. However, my resentment comes out in anger and that gets us nowhere but farther apart. 25 years together makes it difficult to think of a different life. But I am tired and would love to have a more normal life, but we continue to spend more time away from each other.
Hi, I plan to use the message of self acceptance with myself, first and foremost, and then with my students. I work with students who struggle with mental illness and often are affected negatively in relationships because of the unworthiness they feel, thus allowing for negative interactions and lack of boundaries. Thank you for the teaching.
I feel like my self judgement and feeling of unworthiness, not good enough, not loveable enough is impacting how I radiate out to people… what I attract, or not, for that matter.
I am loving and open hearted and don’t experience myself as overly judgemental towards others. I have a lot of compassion. Yet, I often feel disconnected, out of place, lonely, not loved, not interesting etc. So I am guessing I am reflecting what I feel about myself and get it back in others reactions?
Susan Levine, Social Work, Franklin Park, NJ, USAsays
Relationshios then are threatening resukting in more distance; enmeshment and/or conflict. It is difficult to experience emotio al intimacy and view the ^other” as a separate; unique being. Without self love, nonjudgemental presence in the relationship is lacking and negative cycles between partnees perpetuatw.
It stifles my aliveness and then like a double edged sword, I judge myself for not being open and carefree, which hurts my relationships more, kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy.
Margaret Shamel, Another Field, Traverse City, MI, USAsays
It leaves a relationship on shaky grounds because when you know that you have not been genuine in how you present yourself, you will assume that the other person is doing the same.
Hiding puts us behind a mask which drives us deeper and further away from connecting to others. When our biggest connection could be made by offering how insecure we feel, we instead put on an air of confidence and we all miss out on seeing and showing our real selves. This also allows others to continue to feel less adequate than me or you and perpetuates the cycle.
In answer to your question – from repeated experiences including a divorce after 42 years of marriage and the alienation of my siblings I now feel i am a horrible combination of being unloveable and very needy. These two unattractive characteristics make me too vulnerable (and who wants a victim) and so reclusive. For the last five or so years i have been following your talks. They have often kept me going. This open reveal comes with my deep respect and gratitude. Please font name me.
I failed at life & don’t want to reveal that I’ve basically become a shut in & can’t engage the in activities such as hiking, dancing etc. I don’t have any relationships.
If I am not authentic with myself, how can I possibly be real with anyone else?Sometimes I don’t give others space to express their ideas, maybe I think they are smarter than I am and that makes me feel inferior. So I treat them as inferior first.
I get depressed and don’t want people to know. My relationships are often one sided – I’m good at listening to others but not at talking about myself. I hide myself so relationships are not full and honest.
I hide what I think others won’t like about me to make myself more lovable and acceptable. Not sure how it impacts my relationships. At one level, positively because it makes us all more comfortable. At a deeper level, it is keeping a distance from who I am.
I’m afraid to be insulted or have people make attack me for saying no to demands. My relationships end badly and I feel like a coward which makes me feel terrible.
That said… I often ‘DEEPLY, DEEPLY DISLIKE’ signing up for your informative videos. Why?
I am HOUNDED for weeks by NICABM to ‘sign up’ for other courses. I can’t stand this… and so I often hesitate to ‘hear’ what YOU, Tara Brach, has to share… even though I deeply resonate with you on many subjects.
Hiding a core belief that I’m unworthy for not loving or believing in myself enough prevents me from airing this belief and allowing it to be healed. It prevents me from realizing that I’m not alone – it seems that, to greater or lesser degrees, we all struggle with aspects of our emotional experience that feel unlovable. Now, the challenge is to surrender the isolation in my home life and choose to lay down new tracks through nourishing and stimulating connections with others, and perhaps, let one individual more closely into my daily life. Thank you Tara for sharing your wisdom and highlighting the fundamental truths of being human in this world.
Concha Delgado Gaitan Delgado Gaitan, Other, El Cerrito, CA, USAsays
Thank you for your video, It helped me confront a deep fear within me. I always want people to see me as strong and when I feel vulnerable because of an autoimmune disease that keeps me in pain, I feel frustrated with myself. Peace, Concha
They come across as having something to hide and this affects their credibility, thus hindering trust-building. This is especially true at work where colleagues don’t need to accommodate their shortcomings.
Thank you so much for your suggestions of questions for our clients! I really like: “What is it that you don’t want others to see?” I will also use that question for myself when I experience a situation where I have a hard time being authentic.
My lack of self-esteem or self confidence came into focus while listening to this video. I didn’t realize I had that issue. Of course it affects relationships.
I forced a relationship that I was not ready.
But later I could not let go. I started to love that person. Then he left. Wasn’t coming back.
I criticized his behavior constantly. I lost him..
Although I apologized..nothing changed.
very helpful thank you 🙂
Hiding what I most dislike about myself keeps a “safe” distance in my most important relationships. There’s a distance that provides what I think is a safety but it’s false, it’s not a safety , it’s a lack of intimacy and I then feel angry, frustrated and alone. It puzzles me because I recognize these feelings which I don’t welcome but can’t change the behaviors that keep this distance.
Often people can get defensive sorting through the positives looking for the negatives to confirm their belief.
Trust becomes an issue. When you don’t like yourself, you don’t trust that others will like who you are or who you appear to be. Relationships not based on trust cannot grow, cannot deepen.
I am not yet able to find lasting happiness in my life.
Hiding something about themselves makes a person feel hidden. Unavailable for friendship or love. It creates a sense of something being withheld and leads to lack of trust and lack of connection since there is a ‘barrier’ up.
I withdraw, and then feel lonely.
I cover up my perceived failures. That I never got married, didn’t have a biological child, never got a degree. That I am successful in my own business and have a bright adult adopted son seems not enough. Especially since my son was an addict for many years. I hide my self judgement, guilt and shame. I also hide my body.
I am an 83 year old woman who still feels insecurity about love. I believe I revert back to having been abandon at age 10 by my father. It always comes into play in my relationships with men. Of course my last man friend of 6 years died 8 years ago. So now it is more specifically learning how to deal with real aging and can I ever again even have a love relationship. I am tied up, lonely, and not able to really open up. Too much pain
When I hide that I don’t feel my partner would want to be with me if I don’t continue to provide the level of support in the form of doing everything for me, it makes me feel resentful and that I only matter because of what I do for him. I don’t want to share this because he is disabled and I feel bad for feeling this way. However, my resentment comes out in anger and that gets us nowhere but farther apart. 25 years together makes it difficult to think of a different life. But I am tired and would love to have a more normal life, but we continue to spend more time away from each other.
Such beautiful clarity, delivered gently, wisely and lovingly. Thank you!
It leads to feelings of shame — to the need to protect myself. Being relaxed in company gets difficult this way.
Hi, I plan to use the message of self acceptance with myself, first and foremost, and then with my students. I work with students who struggle with mental illness and often are affected negatively in relationships because of the unworthiness they feel, thus allowing for negative interactions and lack of boundaries. Thank you for the teaching.
You nailed it, Hiding ourselves/myself is an issue. Then when I do reveal it is often too harsh because of my pent up emotion.
It creates a barrier, the opaqueness leading to distrust and a relationship which has distrust can’t be meaningful.
I feel like my self judgement and feeling of unworthiness, not good enough, not loveable enough is impacting how I radiate out to people… what I attract, or not, for that matter.
I am loving and open hearted and don’t experience myself as overly judgemental towards others. I have a lot of compassion. Yet, I often feel disconnected, out of place, lonely, not loved, not interesting etc. So I am guessing I am reflecting what I feel about myself and get it back in others reactions?
where is the “free video”?
Relationshios then are threatening resukting in more distance; enmeshment and/or conflict. It is difficult to experience emotio al intimacy and view the ^other” as a separate; unique being. Without self love, nonjudgemental presence in the relationship is lacking and negative cycles between partnees perpetuatw.
It stifles my aliveness and then like a double edged sword, I judge myself for not being open and carefree, which hurts my relationships more, kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy.
When people hide aspects of themselves they are not showing up fully or honestly. This may lead to further deception in the relationship.
It keeps others from knowing the real me & this having an intimate connection with me.
Less authentic in an attempt to self protect
Love the question, “What is it that I most want no one to know about me?”
I find myself withdrawing
I become more critical of myself, overwhelmed and negative in general.
It leaves a relationship on shaky grounds because when you know that you have not been genuine in how you present yourself, you will assume that the other person is doing the same.
Hiding puts us behind a mask which drives us deeper and further away from connecting to others. When our biggest connection could be made by offering how insecure we feel, we instead put on an air of confidence and we all miss out on seeing and showing our real selves. This also allows others to continue to feel less adequate than me or you and perpetuates the cycle.
In answer to your question – from repeated experiences including a divorce after 42 years of marriage and the alienation of my siblings I now feel i am a horrible combination of being unloveable and very needy. These two unattractive characteristics make me too vulnerable (and who wants a victim) and so reclusive. For the last five or so years i have been following your talks. They have often kept me going. This open reveal comes with my deep respect and gratitude. Please font name me.
If we are not open and honest about ourselves we maintain a distance in the relationship. To have a good relationship we need to share everything.
I failed at life & don’t want to reveal that I’ve basically become a shut in & can’t engage the in activities such as hiking, dancing etc. I don’t have any relationships.
If I am not authentic with myself, how can I possibly be real with anyone else?Sometimes I don’t give others space to express their ideas, maybe I think they are smarter than I am and that makes me feel inferior. So I treat them as inferior first.
I get depressed and don’t want people to know. My relationships are often one sided – I’m good at listening to others but not at talking about myself. I hide myself so relationships are not full and honest.
Fear turns into a struggle, into not trusting each other, into disolving the bonds.
I don’t seem to be able to hide about myself what other people don’t like about me.
I hide what I think others won’t like about me to make myself more lovable and acceptable. Not sure how it impacts my relationships. At one level, positively because it makes us all more comfortable. At a deeper level, it is keeping a distance from who I am.
Already posted. This is still causing me to reflect.
I’m afraid to be insulted or have people make attack me for saying no to demands. My relationships end badly and I feel like a coward which makes me feel terrible.
TARA… I so LOVE your videos.
That said… I often ‘DEEPLY, DEEPLY DISLIKE’ signing up for your informative videos. Why?
I am HOUNDED for weeks by NICABM to ‘sign up’ for other courses. I can’t stand this… and so I often hesitate to ‘hear’ what YOU, Tara Brach, has to share… even though I deeply resonate with you on many subjects.
It causes my partner hide his true self as well. This is a game with awful results like dishonesty and not living peacefully.
Hiding a core belief that I’m unworthy for not loving or believing in myself enough prevents me from airing this belief and allowing it to be healed. It prevents me from realizing that I’m not alone – it seems that, to greater or lesser degrees, we all struggle with aspects of our emotional experience that feel unlovable. Now, the challenge is to surrender the isolation in my home life and choose to lay down new tracks through nourishing and stimulating connections with others, and perhaps, let one individual more closely into my daily life. Thank you Tara for sharing your wisdom and highlighting the fundamental truths of being human in this world.
Thank you for your video, It helped me confront a deep fear within me. I always want people to see me as strong and when I feel vulnerable because of an autoimmune disease that keeps me in pain, I feel frustrated with myself. Peace, Concha
They come across as having something to hide and this affects their credibility, thus hindering trust-building. This is especially true at work where colleagues don’t need to accommodate their shortcomings.
I find that when I hide, I fear someone, will see me . I am angry and can’t just be myself, it causes tension in others around me, as it feels off.
I find that with Children my fear of hurting or not being the good nice girl, and causes kids to act out and jump around , and I feel scared.
The secret flaws makes me guarded, nervous, non-communicative, and alone.
My shame and feelings of not good enough make it hard for me to really accwpt, listen to and see-really focus on others.
It keeps me separate and the distance grows.
Thank you so much for your suggestions of questions for our clients! I really like: “What is it that you don’t want others to see?” I will also use that question for myself when I experience a situation where I have a hard time being authentic.
Creates distance
My lack of self-esteem or self confidence came into focus while listening to this video. I didn’t realize I had that issue. Of course it affects relationships.