I guess I try to hide the shame of being neglected as a child, in a dysfunctional family and eventual abandoned by my mother at 15. I tend to feel dysregulated when in an intimate relationship. I feel more peace and contentment when solo.
As a posed to hypervigilant jealous and insecure when I risk being intimate.
My question is, what do you do when you allow the things you wanted to hide about yourself be the very thing that led you into an abusive relationship?
All my life I was able to “do” just about anything I set my mind to. After many years it has caught up with me and I have to find my path to heal and be true to myself.
Causes disconnect. They know something is wrong that I’m not fully present and when I can’t contextualize for them what’s happening in me they’re left feeling shut out. This can build up and I think it makes them feel like why am I in this relationship for? It’s also not enjoyable for them when my self contempt is more explicit- when I speak I’ll of myself or make everything about how it must be my fault because I suck, it’s exhausting for them. It’s narcissistic of me because then their in a position of having to reassure me and we’re no longer addressing the real issue. We have a word for it now, when it’s arising they just say “apricot” and I know… “oh I’m doing it again” and can snap out of it, because they’ve brought my attention to it in a non-judging manner.
The partner complains that they feel distant and cannot truly reach the person. They feel locked out and pushed away. Also, they feel that they are the ones doing sth. wrong, because the other person doesn‘t open up and doesn‘t dare to show him/herself vulnerable.
They adopt behaviors that distance themselves from others, Preventing themselves from entering into genuine closeness and transparency they find unsafe or threatening.
Hello. I fear that people will sense that I care and be exploited for it. Of course also the feeling of being rejected and even worse misunderstood. Ussually get cahught into myself in agresor victim scenario which usually bring strong feelings when it happends in outside world which leads to either avoidance or confruntation which lead back to my inner struggle. It’s a circle with different flavors that push me away for being in real connection with others.
Thank you Tara!
Well, including myself, we might distract ourselves from the so much desired connection, relationship and create a self fulfilling prophecy to prove herewith that we are not attractive, interesting….and so on….
Ellen
I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and recently it’s been backfiring. My tortoise shell has been removed and feeling exposed as I get triggered and find I trigger other people too. People pleasing is a perfect example of hiding my authentic self and not showing up whether they like it ir not. I hope to learn from Tara Brach’s wisdom.
Among other things, I think relationsships get very strained, and ultimately, people tend to isolate themselves because beeing in the presence of others means pretending and impression management and therefore exhaustion.
I’m always really hard on myself. Too fat, not good enough at my job, too selfish(often feel guilty when taking time for myself), the list goes on. Thinking this through I can see this must be having an impact on my marriage. In fact it spills over into my criticism of my husband as well,. I know I’ve criticized him at times and thought at the same time …how can you say that. You are no better. Nothing seems good enough!!!
Help!!!
As you said in your introduction they become lonely and isolated due to disconnection. Their relationship with self is harsh lacking self compassion and subsequently becomes a block with others and they push other people away.
I think that what I do like or wish I would change that I have stopped and started again for years, builds a sense of unworthiness in me. But not sure how that is effecting me, my relationships. Seems that answer may be different depending on which relationship with my wife or with my grown children, or other folks. Possibly it causes a shell being built, such that I do not expect as much from others as I should, or more impatience within myself holding me back from doing some things that would be good for me and others.
I have an awful r relationship with my sister and I unfortunately we live in a small town together with shared friends . This has become a real problem for me and I had counseling around it last year as old wounding from our childhood came up . It hasn’t really helped . I think I feel jealousy and also let down by her as she is overly friendly to our mutual friends and their children and when I needed her most when my children were small she paid no interest at all . I have felt I might have move away so strong are my feelings .
Your words certainly make me think and are also true, but I’m not sure what I am trying to hide from my partner. We argue and I feel frustrated and guilty and yes maybe I am trying to hide something. I am sure there are several things I don’t want to reveal about myself to her, but how to find the one that spoils our relationship is the problem. At the. Same time, I often feel she is refusing to admit to some personality flaw. A conundrum!
When I hide what they don’t like about myself, I feel I have to fake a part of me to be accepted by them. Then, I feel resentful because “they don’t like the real me” and as a consequence I don’t have meaningful relationships. Writing this answers has just showed me that I have to accept myself first, and no the other way around. Otherwise the vicious cycle will continue. Thank you Tara! I love you!
My husband is a perfectionist so I am always a target for his criticism and this makes me shameful of who I am. I use to react to this but with the help of meditation and mindfulness, I now just keep quiet and it seems to calm him down and reflect. Thanks for all the insight, Tara.
The hurt of the feeling of not be good enough in my own eyes make me eager to find the reason in my partners behaviour, because it is frightening not to understand myself.
I found taking criticism about how I’m bringing up my kids very hard. I’m solo parent and really everything they’ve got, and I’ve poured so much of my energy into helping them through what has been a very hard time since their dad left. But I’ve got a massive worry at my core that I’m not enough. My new partner had quite different parenting styles and we clashed over simple things when she was probably just giving advice (which I hadn’t asked for..). She ended our relationship and I wonder now what I could have done to let her in.
I am realizing more and more that self love is really the first step to healing myself and others. Thanks Tara for this video . I am not sure yet what are the effects, but I can feel that seeds have been planted…
I’m unable to have healthy romantic relationships because I refuse to admit that I am jealous and insecure so I instead project a personality of someone who is too cool/aloof and doesn’t need others. This leads to the burden of trying not to be who I am and constant fear of letting down my facade. I’m sure that others would leave if they knew the real me. My predicament is that in the beginning of relationships, I actually do feel aloof and confident. So I know it would be a let down for them to find out that I’m not who they thought I was.
They have difficulty with intimacy and connections. They are also unable to engage others meaningfully in their lives and also seek help of others when they are struggling.
This is really very interesting, thank you and I’m trying to put into practice a little.
I have also found listening to a video on NVC very helpful in terms of not ‘hearing’ criticism and being kinder to yourself and the other person you’re communicating with or in conflict with, it’s also worth a watch:
Marshall Rosenberg NVC San Francisco workshop – search on You Tube.
It makes me withdraw and not engage. Sometimes I just have to not talk to my
friends until I can work out my grief and pain and then I can be “normal” again.
Sometimes I really feel like I’m beating up on myself because I have these feelings of sorrow and I”m just making myself worse. I know it’s all stuff from
childhood that I’m still trying to recover from. I judge myself as less than even
though I know I have a wounded child in me that needs compassion.
This was a gift, universe providing as always💌 Talking to my colleague about using Russian dolls with my secondary school students to explore shifting from self criticism to self acceptance and this video is just perfect. Tara, you were the beginning of my journey 11 years ago, when I first learned about mindfulness and began my training to work with emotionally vulnerable students, and I thank the universe daily for the gifts you and others give me to share with others. 🙏
I think realizing that I havent healed from my preconditioning and trauma is something I have hidden and hinders my relationship because subconciously I have felt unlovable.
I’m secretly convinced that I’m found out again and again by people – especially women – that I’d like to have as friends, that they know me as a needy fraud: unworthy, not smart, not creative, not talented line they are. Instead of addressing this fully with myself, I run from friends hopes, fearing rejection. I feel so alone in my life.
Nah. My marriage fell apart when I WAS more vulnerable. Showed MORE of my true self. Tried to be more accepting and for the criticism to be replaced by acceptance. THAT was the turning point to it ending
All of what the wonderful Tara Brach is saying is so true & when I finally stopped beating myself up going forward with her teachings got easier & doable
When my clients feel shame or want to here parts of themselves. They can not fully show up for another person. And won’t be able to truly feel and give love. They are only half way in
Sometimes it is hard for me to articulate what I don’t like about myself. I am often scared that my partner will not understand my fears and vulnerability. This then puts a block between intimacy
Hiding what I don’t like about myself causes me to fixate on that, so what I’m trying to hide ends up being what shows up. I find myself caught in a loop of self-criticism and endless frustration. There is more ease in living when I notice what I like about myself.
My sense of insecurity, of not being ok, shows up with my reaction to perceived criticism from my partner – and, truthfully, from anyone, really. Defensiveness floods me & I feel young, small and attacked. Feelings which are not helpful for feeling connected & safe!
I have managed to start naming these overwhelming feelings – a little start to healing, I hope.
I think there is a wrong word in the question above. I could be wrong. I have fear of people, of judgment of me and what I say. I generally only say my truth to people I feel comfortable with. I’m not sure “how it affected my relationships.” Maybe they could sense my defensiveness, my being closed down. There wasn’t something real in me to connect to.
Also, I realized recently that I have been looking for nurturing all my life, and I’m now 80 years old. I’m relaxing now that I’m no longer working. No more performance, expectations from others. I’ve been working on awareness since I was 35. I don’t know that this answers the question. At least I’m feeling more real today, especially with my daughter. I’ve generally stepped back from most relationships and enjoying my individual time to be with myself.
Kathryn Hoerauf, Teacher, Port Townsend, WA, USAsays
I have such deep insecurities that I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not (fill in any word you can think of) enough that I’m always on the lookout in my relationships that they’ve figured it out and don’t want me anymore. So much so that when I have deep meaningful love, I questioned it constantly and ultimately I think it played a part in driving my partner away. She could never figure out why I could never feel her love. And the truth is that I couldn’t at times, but those were the times I was lowest on myself. When I engaged in things that brought me joy and gave me purpose, I was happy and calm. She saw that and our relationship thrived. I thought she left me because she was depressed. Maybe I drove her away.
I honestly cannot think about something I really cover up about myself. I believe that I am pretty much an open book. However I am a bit of a perfectionist and am very aware of my short-comings but I feel that that is normal.
Tara is a joy to listen to though and her insights are always interesting.
When I do that, I feel guarded and shame. IF ONLY they knew the real me would they still want to connect with me? I sometimes think of myself as flawed, ordinary, moody, and uninteresting.
Recently, I have been more easily identifying those old ‘limiting beliefs’ for what they are. UNTRUE and SELF-DEFEATING.
With lots of therapeutic support, and individual and small group friendships, I am often seeing myself as others do. Open, genuine, caring, authentic, intelligent, happy, and grateful. It’s my time to experience the joy of the present moment and in the journey. That feels greatly liberating!
Thank you for sharing the wisdom and love that you have in this video.
Warmly,
Richard
I am a single parent and have been on my own, apart from a brief relationship 3 years ago, for 10 years. I am becoming very lonely as my children grow more independent. They have shielded myself behind them not allowing the vulnerabilty to be open to an intermit relationship. I have also suffered with Alopecia since my marriage breakdown which has had a dramatic impact on my already fragile self eesteem. I have always felt that I have very little of offer anyone as I am a reserved and quiet person. That I am boring and not enough fun to be around and being cheated on twice, by my husband and the one other serious relationship in my life proved me right.
But I want to find a companion, a gentle soul to appreciate the simple things with. I do believe there is someone out there for me and understand that the love needs to start within.
Forget clients! I’m 74, still working because I can’t afford to retire and have false teeth. I don’t have a relationship because I’m afraid to tell any potential partner those things.
I guess I try to hide the shame of being neglected as a child, in a dysfunctional family and eventual abandoned by my mother at 15. I tend to feel dysregulated when in an intimate relationship. I feel more peace and contentment when solo.
As a posed to hypervigilant jealous and insecure when I risk being intimate.
It delays my ability to commit to make the necessary changes that I know must be made.
Thank you.
My question is, what do you do when you allow the things you wanted to hide about yourself be the very thing that led you into an abusive relationship?
All my life I was able to “do” just about anything I set my mind to. After many years it has caught up with me and I have to find my path to heal and be true to myself.
Causes disconnect. They know something is wrong that I’m not fully present and when I can’t contextualize for them what’s happening in me they’re left feeling shut out. This can build up and I think it makes them feel like why am I in this relationship for? It’s also not enjoyable for them when my self contempt is more explicit- when I speak I’ll of myself or make everything about how it must be my fault because I suck, it’s exhausting for them. It’s narcissistic of me because then their in a position of having to reassure me and we’re no longer addressing the real issue. We have a word for it now, when it’s arising they just say “apricot” and I know… “oh I’m doing it again” and can snap out of it, because they’ve brought my attention to it in a non-judging manner.
It basically physically isolates me from them. I tend to do activities on my own, in order to feel safe and relaxed.
Thanks
Being vulnerable creates intimacy. Not being vulnerable and open makes the relationship shallow
The partner complains that they feel distant and cannot truly reach the person. They feel locked out and pushed away. Also, they feel that they are the ones doing sth. wrong, because the other person doesn‘t open up and doesn‘t dare to show him/herself vulnerable.
They adopt behaviors that distance themselves from others, Preventing themselves from entering into genuine closeness and transparency they find unsafe or threatening.
It feels like an act, and I can’t be myself or open to others.
Hello. I fear that people will sense that I care and be exploited for it. Of course also the feeling of being rejected and even worse misunderstood. Ussually get cahught into myself in agresor victim scenario which usually bring strong feelings when it happends in outside world which leads to either avoidance or confruntation which lead back to my inner struggle. It’s a circle with different flavors that push me away for being in real connection with others.
Thank you Tara!
Well, including myself, we might distract ourselves from the so much desired connection, relationship and create a self fulfilling prophecy to prove herewith that we are not attractive, interesting….and so on….
Ellen
I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and recently it’s been backfiring. My tortoise shell has been removed and feeling exposed as I get triggered and find I trigger other people too. People pleasing is a perfect example of hiding my authentic self and not showing up whether they like it ir not. I hope to learn from Tara Brach’s wisdom.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Among other things, I think relationsships get very strained, and ultimately, people tend to isolate themselves because beeing in the presence of others means pretending and impression management and therefore exhaustion.
I’m always really hard on myself. Too fat, not good enough at my job, too selfish(often feel guilty when taking time for myself), the list goes on. Thinking this through I can see this must be having an impact on my marriage. In fact it spills over into my criticism of my husband as well,. I know I’ve criticized him at times and thought at the same time …how can you say that. You are no better. Nothing seems good enough!!!
Help!!!
The relationship becomes less intimate and more distant because I withdraw and isolate more.
As you said in your introduction they become lonely and isolated due to disconnection. Their relationship with self is harsh lacking self compassion and subsequently becomes a block with others and they push other people away.
Thank you Tara for making this a gift.
I think that what I do like or wish I would change that I have stopped and started again for years, builds a sense of unworthiness in me. But not sure how that is effecting me, my relationships. Seems that answer may be different depending on which relationship with my wife or with my grown children, or other folks. Possibly it causes a shell being built, such that I do not expect as much from others as I should, or more impatience within myself holding me back from doing some things that would be good for me and others.
I have an awful r relationship with my sister and I unfortunately we live in a small town together with shared friends . This has become a real problem for me and I had counseling around it last year as old wounding from our childhood came up . It hasn’t really helped . I think I feel jealousy and also let down by her as she is overly friendly to our mutual friends and their children and when I needed her most when my children were small she paid no interest at all . I have felt I might have move away so strong are my feelings .
Thank you so much for creating a space for self acceptance and filling the space with vulnerability and true identity.
Your words certainly make me think and are also true, but I’m not sure what I am trying to hide from my partner. We argue and I feel frustrated and guilty and yes maybe I am trying to hide something. I am sure there are several things I don’t want to reveal about myself to her, but how to find the one that spoils our relationship is the problem. At the. Same time, I often feel she is refusing to admit to some personality flaw. A conundrum!
When I hide what they don’t like about myself, I feel I have to fake a part of me to be accepted by them. Then, I feel resentful because “they don’t like the real me” and as a consequence I don’t have meaningful relationships. Writing this answers has just showed me that I have to accept myself first, and no the other way around. Otherwise the vicious cycle will continue. Thank you Tara! I love you!
My husband doesn’t agree with my self critism..
He sees a different me…;the facade/veneer I adopt to distract myself from how useless I really am
My husband is a perfectionist so I am always a target for his criticism and this makes me shameful of who I am. I use to react to this but with the help of meditation and mindfulness, I now just keep quiet and it seems to calm him down and reflect. Thanks for all the insight, Tara.
The hurt of the feeling of not be good enough in my own eyes make me eager to find the reason in my partners behaviour, because it is frightening not to understand myself.
I found taking criticism about how I’m bringing up my kids very hard. I’m solo parent and really everything they’ve got, and I’ve poured so much of my energy into helping them through what has been a very hard time since their dad left. But I’ve got a massive worry at my core that I’m not enough. My new partner had quite different parenting styles and we clashed over simple things when she was probably just giving advice (which I hadn’t asked for..). She ended our relationship and I wonder now what I could have done to let her in.
I am realizing more and more that self love is really the first step to healing myself and others. Thanks Tara for this video . I am not sure yet what are the effects, but I can feel that seeds have been planted…
I’m unable to have healthy romantic relationships because I refuse to admit that I am jealous and insecure so I instead project a personality of someone who is too cool/aloof and doesn’t need others. This leads to the burden of trying not to be who I am and constant fear of letting down my facade. I’m sure that others would leave if they knew the real me. My predicament is that in the beginning of relationships, I actually do feel aloof and confident. So I know it would be a let down for them to find out that I’m not who they thought I was.
They have difficulty with intimacy and connections. They are also unable to engage others meaningfully in their lives and also seek help of others when they are struggling.
This is really very interesting, thank you and I’m trying to put into practice a little.
I have also found listening to a video on NVC very helpful in terms of not ‘hearing’ criticism and being kinder to yourself and the other person you’re communicating with or in conflict with, it’s also worth a watch:
Marshall Rosenberg NVC San Francisco workshop – search on You Tube.
It makes me withdraw and not engage. Sometimes I just have to not talk to my
friends until I can work out my grief and pain and then I can be “normal” again.
Sometimes I really feel like I’m beating up on myself because I have these feelings of sorrow and I”m just making myself worse. I know it’s all stuff from
childhood that I’m still trying to recover from. I judge myself as less than even
though I know I have a wounded child in me that needs compassion.
Thank you Tara, this is what blocks me most in my way of having a free and happy mind!!!
This was a gift, universe providing as always💌 Talking to my colleague about using Russian dolls with my secondary school students to explore shifting from self criticism to self acceptance and this video is just perfect. Tara, you were the beginning of my journey 11 years ago, when I first learned about mindfulness and began my training to work with emotionally vulnerable students, and I thank the universe daily for the gifts you and others give me to share with others. 🙏
I think realizing that I havent healed from my preconditioning and trauma is something I have hidden and hinders my relationship because subconciously I have felt unlovable.
I’m secretly convinced that I’m found out again and again by people – especially women – that I’d like to have as friends, that they know me as a needy fraud: unworthy, not smart, not creative, not talented line they are. Instead of addressing this fully with myself, I run from friends hopes, fearing rejection. I feel so alone in my life.
Nah. My marriage fell apart when I WAS more vulnerable. Showed MORE of my true self. Tried to be more accepting and for the criticism to be replaced by acceptance. THAT was the turning point to it ending
All of what the wonderful Tara Brach is saying is so true & when I finally stopped beating myself up going forward with her teachings got easier & doable
When my clients feel shame or want to here parts of themselves. They can not fully show up for another person. And won’t be able to truly feel and give love. They are only half way in
It prevents people from getting to know the real me. It creates a distance and makes me feel lonely
Sometimes it is hard for me to articulate what I don’t like about myself. I am often scared that my partner will not understand my fears and vulnerability. This then puts a block between intimacy
Hiding what I don’t like about myself causes me to fixate on that, so what I’m trying to hide ends up being what shows up. I find myself caught in a loop of self-criticism and endless frustration. There is more ease in living when I notice what I like about myself.
My sense of insecurity, of not being ok, shows up with my reaction to perceived criticism from my partner – and, truthfully, from anyone, really. Defensiveness floods me & I feel young, small and attacked. Feelings which are not helpful for feeling connected & safe!
I have managed to start naming these overwhelming feelings – a little start to healing, I hope.
I think there is a wrong word in the question above. I could be wrong. I have fear of people, of judgment of me and what I say. I generally only say my truth to people I feel comfortable with. I’m not sure “how it affected my relationships.” Maybe they could sense my defensiveness, my being closed down. There wasn’t something real in me to connect to.
Also, I realized recently that I have been looking for nurturing all my life, and I’m now 80 years old. I’m relaxing now that I’m no longer working. No more performance, expectations from others. I’ve been working on awareness since I was 35. I don’t know that this answers the question. At least I’m feeling more real today, especially with my daughter. I’ve generally stepped back from most relationships and enjoying my individual time to be with myself.
I have such deep insecurities that I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not (fill in any word you can think of) enough that I’m always on the lookout in my relationships that they’ve figured it out and don’t want me anymore. So much so that when I have deep meaningful love, I questioned it constantly and ultimately I think it played a part in driving my partner away. She could never figure out why I could never feel her love. And the truth is that I couldn’t at times, but those were the times I was lowest on myself. When I engaged in things that brought me joy and gave me purpose, I was happy and calm. She saw that and our relationship thrived. I thought she left me because she was depressed. Maybe I drove her away.
I honestly cannot think about something I really cover up about myself. I believe that I am pretty much an open book. However I am a bit of a perfectionist and am very aware of my short-comings but I feel that that is normal.
Tara is a joy to listen to though and her insights are always interesting.
When I do that, I feel guarded and shame. IF ONLY they knew the real me would they still want to connect with me? I sometimes think of myself as flawed, ordinary, moody, and uninteresting.
Recently, I have been more easily identifying those old ‘limiting beliefs’ for what they are. UNTRUE and SELF-DEFEATING.
With lots of therapeutic support, and individual and small group friendships, I am often seeing myself as others do. Open, genuine, caring, authentic, intelligent, happy, and grateful. It’s my time to experience the joy of the present moment and in the journey. That feels greatly liberating!
Thank you for sharing the wisdom and love that you have in this video.
Warmly,
Richard
I am a single parent and have been on my own, apart from a brief relationship 3 years ago, for 10 years. I am becoming very lonely as my children grow more independent. They have shielded myself behind them not allowing the vulnerabilty to be open to an intermit relationship. I have also suffered with Alopecia since my marriage breakdown which has had a dramatic impact on my already fragile self eesteem. I have always felt that I have very little of offer anyone as I am a reserved and quiet person. That I am boring and not enough fun to be around and being cheated on twice, by my husband and the one other serious relationship in my life proved me right.
But I want to find a companion, a gentle soul to appreciate the simple things with. I do believe there is someone out there for me and understand that the love needs to start within.
Forget clients! I’m 74, still working because I can’t afford to retire and have false teeth. I don’t have a relationship because I’m afraid to tell any potential partner those things.