I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel seen. And, even when a loved one tells me they love me, my body contracts and my head says, “Yeah, right. You love a sanitized version of me”.
Here’s the thing….I have not had a relationship function and deepen over time when I DID share who I am, when I attempted to share my “deeper self”. I have come to believe that NO ONE REALLY wants to have that type of relationship.
It drives a wedge between them and others. This distance makes it difficult for them to even sense how they feel about another person bc they are always working so hard to protect themselves from real intimacy.
It means I stay single and don’t pursue romantic intimacy, then I look to other relationships in my life and am disappointed that they can’t need those needs
This is a tricky one because it is the passive feedback that I get from others that keeps me hidden. For example, spending time with someone results in not being invited again. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know whatever it is, it’s not strengthening the relationship.
I can think of a few examples: a friend invited me to go hiking with her. We spent the day hiking and then we never spent any more time together. Another time, I shared a room at a conference with a friend and then that friendship became very sporadic.
I am quiet but witty. I can go deep in conversation but small talk is difficult. I think I may ask too many questions in an effort to keep the conversation going, but the questions may go too deep or too personal.
I therefore turn down invitations because of the fear that they will only end the same way. This has been a concern my entire life. I simply don’t think I understand friendships.
On the other hand, I am a good listener and people have come to me in times of turmoil, and therefore that is the extent of the relationship.
In a long enough relationship whether it’s yourself or with someone else it always comes out. So it’s hard to be vulnerable it’s worth it in the long run.
Thank you for giving me hope to be more open with my spouse. I don’t know why I keep so many of my thoughts so private. I think if I express dissatisfaction it will hurt his feelings.
When you cater to what you think the other person wants from you, you miss the exquisite opportunity to be seen and loved just as you are and to love with the same honesty in return.
I’m not a mental health professional I’m actually a patient and I can tell you that this is completely accurate for me and my relationships. The way I have treated others has reflected how I have thought of myself until I began praticing mindfulness 7 days a week 58 days ago.
Love this introduction because I could see myself sabotaging my life for many years. I’m a widow and I’m still trying in some areas to forgive myself, but I’m on my way now. Thanks so much ❤️
My husband has been living with Parkinson’s for over 20 years. We’ve been married happily for 42 yrs. I’m now starting to feel guilty that I’m not sympathetic enough towards all his struggles. I feel frustrated at times that his illness is putting a lot of stress in our lives and relationship. Just thinking this way makes me feel even more guilty.
Joanne, I totally understand the way you feel because that is what happened to me while my husband was dealing with terminal cancer. I think that I didn’t do enough for him. I know that is not true ! I’m forgiving myself with lots of compassion, one day at a time. Love to you from Chile❤️
Behind my light, I hide my desire and my sense that I am not enough (haven’t accomplished enough or been enough of a success). I don’t say what I feel (good or bad) to those I love (or I am afraid of doing so). Avoidant and anxious, I hide an enormous longing that is afraid of losing what little I do have, and what I could have, if I were brave enough to try.
I’ve recently started talking to my husband about my depression that he never noticed and didn’t take time to listen. His behavior is a big part of the depression and lack of feeling connected.
He’s retired now and finally listening after 43 years of marriage. He may not understand but he listens now and that is so important.
Griselda Pineda, Counseling, Murrieta , CA, USAsays
When clients hide their feelings, they may show up in relationships from a point of fear of losing their love one. Other times easily threatened and in need to defend themselves. And others may freeze, appeared disengaged from the relationship.
I don’t like my own self criticism” I am not good enough”, specifically as a artist I have such a big demand on myself that often I don’t want to show my work because of fear it’s not good enough, big fear of rejection. So I project my insecurity outside and criticize others . As a result to not get the stress I avoid often contact and hide. Then I feel lonely and not loved. I feel tension/ anger toward my hiding, and my soul calls for this inner liberation from my ego- wall. While I write I feel how hard i am on myself… o my….I breath…. Thank you for this question!
Accepting ourselves with all our talents, flaws, missteps, wonderful things, and things we would rather not have or feel is everyday work and a challenge. The only way forward is through.
Ann Hutchins, Another Field, PALM SPRINGS, CA, USAsays
I am single, 66 years old, female, and have been reflecting a lot on this question of intimacy and my fear of letting people close. My two closest friends have just moved away and, though I am surrounded by really good people, I am at a loss as to how to create new close relationships. Your videos come at the perfect time – thank you
I have learned and grown during the time I took the power of awareness course with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield.
Fear of not being understood – in the past I silenced myself – worried I might hurt another.
I accept my imperfections and shall open the door to further communication with my partner so we both learn along the way.
My/Our relationship matters.
Thank You for asking for feed back as it forces me to share my thoughts and feelings with another person.
I sometimes feel alone with things and appreciate what you have offered this opportunity to others
It has gotten much worse since I lost my son. I have been successful in ways that people continually remind me of, And yet I’m so sure that if someone knew how insecure and alone I feel, if they would be disgusted. I don’t feel like I can be as fun as I used to, I’m more introspective than ever. I’ve also turned into an introvert, actually I think I always was. So as I transform and come through what I have been through in the last year and a half, I find people wanting me to be the same person I was. Not only is that not going to happen, but I don’t even know who I am becoming yet. I am absolutely terrified of being alone and I feel so lonely.
Thank you so much! Appreciate the wisdom that youshare here! I listen to your weekly talks as I take my morning walks and have shared the wisdom I have gleaned from them with others!with others
I have been on a spiritual journey for so long. Always looking for an answer to soothe my underlying pain that stems from a sense of unworthiness, that I am not likeable, good enough or boring. That I can never be myself with everyone because I would be rejected. I strive for authenticity as I get older I experience moments of that I would like to maintain that sense of self no matter the circumstance or people I experience.
First of all I witness in them a deep separation from self and others because of the complete absence of awareness of their conditioned imprisonment to their thinking selves. This isolation from self causes a lack of connection and empathy with those they love and even those they work with, leaving them in this cycle of self criticism which then naturally results in the lashing out at others. It is indeed a trance, from which they can gently wake up. I have witnessed it in my own journey and am doing so over and over with clients. What a miracle the simple act of loving kindness is. Thank you Tara, for carrying its torch.
I join many of you in feelings of inadequacy. The parts of me that are longing to be authentic get shoved down inside due to my fear of not being understood or even criticized.
I don’t think that I am hiding anything from others because how I feel always shows. I am ashamed of being envious for example, so how can I hide this?
Hi there
Thanks for this. My dislike of parts of myself makes it difficult for me to feel I’m living authentically. I can create barriers to keep people at a distance and sometimes I can’t react spontaneously. I feel this can result in loneliness and resentment of others. I want to be spontaneous and authentic in my way of being.
I have been given the message that I was too much rather than not enough.
My mother passed that message on as she reflected her own insecurities on to me. As a child I was more than her own limited self could handle.
Yet, the message was I was too much.
I finally realized this after much work in therapy and my own mindful practice.
Both messages of not enough or too much have the same affect and keep us from connecting with others because we havent been able to accepted ourselves without judgement.
When I’m scared or anxious I find fault with what my wife is doing. Then I feel guilty which leads to more anxiety and more criticism. And on it goes as nauseam. Thank you for doing this Tara and making me look at me and having hope that self-acceptance will lead to the solution.
I became fearful and reactive. I can’t hear what my husband is saying. My own inner dialogue is playing and adding it’s own message, I get caught up in what happened before and what could happen, rather than being fully present.
My issue is social anxiety due to feelings of inadequacy.
I’m so consumed with worry, I’ve come to the point that I dread seeing my adult son, yet yearn for connection with him at the same time.
I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel seen. And, even when a loved one tells me they love me, my body contracts and my head says, “Yeah, right. You love a sanitized version of me”.
Here’s the thing….I have not had a relationship function and deepen over time when I DID share who I am, when I attempted to share my “deeper self”. I have come to believe that NO ONE REALLY wants to have that type of relationship.
It drives a wedge between them and others. This distance makes it difficult for them to even sense how they feel about another person bc they are always working so hard to protect themselves from real intimacy.
It means I stay single and don’t pursue romantic intimacy, then I look to other relationships in my life and am disappointed that they can’t need those needs
This is a tricky one because it is the passive feedback that I get from others that keeps me hidden. For example, spending time with someone results in not being invited again. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know whatever it is, it’s not strengthening the relationship.
I can think of a few examples: a friend invited me to go hiking with her. We spent the day hiking and then we never spent any more time together. Another time, I shared a room at a conference with a friend and then that friendship became very sporadic.
I am quiet but witty. I can go deep in conversation but small talk is difficult. I think I may ask too many questions in an effort to keep the conversation going, but the questions may go too deep or too personal.
I therefore turn down invitations because of the fear that they will only end the same way. This has been a concern my entire life. I simply don’t think I understand friendships.
On the other hand, I am a good listener and people have come to me in times of turmoil, and therefore that is the extent of the relationship.
In a long enough relationship whether it’s yourself or with someone else it always comes out. So it’s hard to be vulnerable it’s worth it in the long run.
Amazing 👌❤️ This is just what I need thank you x
I think you are correct. While in the process of self-judging, one is distracted from being present.
Amazing 👌❤️
They empty and not authentic or fulfilling.
I want/expect others to fill the hole of approval and love that I can’t provide for myself.
Thank you for giving me hope to be more open with my spouse. I don’t know why I keep so many of my thoughts so private. I think if I express dissatisfaction it will hurt his feelings.
I feel less than because of bad things I’ve done in the past.
When you cater to what you think the other person wants from you, you miss the exquisite opportunity to be seen and loved just as you are and to love with the same honesty in return.
I like what you’ve said. It’s thought provoking…it allowed me to think about what I don’t like about myself in a calm way. Thank you Tara 🙏
I’m not a mental health professional I’m actually a patient and I can tell you that this is completely accurate for me and my relationships. The way I have treated others has reflected how I have thought of myself until I began praticing mindfulness 7 days a week 58 days ago.
Love this introduction because I could see myself sabotaging my life for many years. I’m a widow and I’m still trying in some areas to forgive myself, but I’m on my way now. Thanks so much ❤️
My husband has been living with Parkinson’s for over 20 years. We’ve been married happily for 42 yrs. I’m now starting to feel guilty that I’m not sympathetic enough towards all his struggles. I feel frustrated at times that his illness is putting a lot of stress in our lives and relationship. Just thinking this way makes me feel even more guilty.
Joanne, I totally understand the way you feel because that is what happened to me while my husband was dealing with terminal cancer. I think that I didn’t do enough for him. I know that is not true ! I’m forgiving myself with lots of compassion, one day at a time. Love to you from Chile❤️
Love hearing your perspectives and insights. Always benefits my work.
Love your hearing perspectives and insights. Always benefits my work.
Behind my light, I hide my desire and my sense that I am not enough (haven’t accomplished enough or been enough of a success). I don’t say what I feel (good or bad) to those I love (or I am afraid of doing so). Avoidant and anxious, I hide an enormous longing that is afraid of losing what little I do have, and what I could have, if I were brave enough to try.
I’ve recently started talking to my husband about my depression that he never noticed and didn’t take time to listen. His behavior is a big part of the depression and lack of feeling connected.
He’s retired now and finally listening after 43 years of marriage. He may not understand but he listens now and that is so important.
When clients hide their feelings, they may show up in relationships from a point of fear of losing their love one. Other times easily threatened and in need to defend themselves. And others may freeze, appeared disengaged from the relationship.
I don’t like my own self criticism” I am not good enough”, specifically as a artist I have such a big demand on myself that often I don’t want to show my work because of fear it’s not good enough, big fear of rejection. So I project my insecurity outside and criticize others . As a result to not get the stress I avoid often contact and hide. Then I feel lonely and not loved. I feel tension/ anger toward my hiding, and my soul calls for this inner liberation from my ego- wall. While I write I feel how hard i am on myself… o my….I breath…. Thank you for this question!
The relationship becomes more surface and less authentic
Accepting ourselves with all our talents, flaws, missteps, wonderful things, and things we would rather not have or feel is everyday work and a challenge. The only way forward is through.
There is a block in communication, clinging to not so healthy habits, struggles in just being happy.
I am single, 66 years old, female, and have been reflecting a lot on this question of intimacy and my fear of letting people close. My two closest friends have just moved away and, though I am surrounded by really good people, I am at a loss as to how to create new close relationships. Your videos come at the perfect time – thank you
I have learned and grown during the time I took the power of awareness course with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield.
Fear of not being understood – in the past I silenced myself – worried I might hurt another.
I accept my imperfections and shall open the door to further communication with my partner so we both learn along the way.
My/Our relationship matters.
Thank You for asking for feed back as it forces me to share my thoughts and feelings with another person.
I sometimes feel alone with things and appreciate what you have offered this opportunity to others
I wonder how the practitioners own sense of inadequacy impacts their work with clients.
It has gotten much worse since I lost my son. I have been successful in ways that people continually remind me of, And yet I’m so sure that if someone knew how insecure and alone I feel, if they would be disgusted. I don’t feel like I can be as fun as I used to, I’m more introspective than ever. I’ve also turned into an introvert, actually I think I always was. So as I transform and come through what I have been through in the last year and a half, I find people wanting me to be the same person I was. Not only is that not going to happen, but I don’t even know who I am becoming yet. I am absolutely terrified of being alone and I feel so lonely.
keeps more superficial, less real, stops deeper relationship
Thank you so much! Appreciate the wisdom that youshare here! I listen to your weekly talks as I take my morning walks and have shared the wisdom I have gleaned from them with others!with others
I have been on a spiritual journey for so long. Always looking for an answer to soothe my underlying pain that stems from a sense of unworthiness, that I am not likeable, good enough or boring. That I can never be myself with everyone because I would be rejected. I strive for authenticity as I get older I experience moments of that I would like to maintain that sense of self no matter the circumstance or people I experience.
It makes me run away from possible interesting relationships.
It truly disables them from connecting with friends and family members
If I put up a wall I protect myself. Others just find my aloof and unapproachable.
Looking forward to watching this.
First of all I witness in them a deep separation from self and others because of the complete absence of awareness of their conditioned imprisonment to their thinking selves. This isolation from self causes a lack of connection and empathy with those they love and even those they work with, leaving them in this cycle of self criticism which then naturally results in the lashing out at others. It is indeed a trance, from which they can gently wake up. I have witnessed it in my own journey and am doing so over and over with clients. What a miracle the simple act of loving kindness is. Thank you Tara, for carrying its torch.
I join many of you in feelings of inadequacy. The parts of me that are longing to be authentic get shoved down inside due to my fear of not being understood or even criticized.
Creates a false sense of security and I end up feeling fake and unknown
Most of my clients talk about what they don’t like about themselves
I don’t think that I am hiding anything from others because how I feel always shows. I am ashamed of being envious for example, so how can I hide this?
Hi there
Thanks for this. My dislike of parts of myself makes it difficult for me to feel I’m living authentically. I can create barriers to keep people at a distance and sometimes I can’t react spontaneously. I feel this can result in loneliness and resentment of others. I want to be spontaneous and authentic in my way of being.
I have been given the message that I was too much rather than not enough.
My mother passed that message on as she reflected her own insecurities on to me. As a child I was more than her own limited self could handle.
Yet, the message was I was too much.
I finally realized this after much work in therapy and my own mindful practice.
Both messages of not enough or too much have the same affect and keep us from connecting with others because we havent been able to accepted ourselves without judgement.
When I’m scared or anxious I find fault with what my wife is doing. Then I feel guilty which leads to more anxiety and more criticism. And on it goes as nauseam. Thank you for doing this Tara and making me look at me and having hope that self-acceptance will lead to the solution.
Neil
I became fearful and reactive. I can’t hear what my husband is saying. My own inner dialogue is playing and adding it’s own message, I get caught up in what happened before and what could happen, rather than being fully present.
Thank you
I guess we/I will have a tendency to cover up what we perceive as weak therefore comprising connection with others.
I do need this! Once again thank you Tara!!!
My issue is social anxiety due to feelings of inadequacy.
I’m so consumed with worry, I’ve come to the point that I dread seeing my adult son, yet yearn for connection with him at the same time.