When I don’t like something about myself, I hide it from others. The protective shell created around the “secret” is a separating force. I retreat behind the shell and the shell keeps the other away.
We all want to be known yet are afraid to be known. Part of the problem is that I really don’t truly know myself. There are parts of me that I don’t want to know -acknowledge or accept and I think of the most part all this is going on unconsciously…until something drastic happens and I’m feeling stressed, anxious or fearful of losing something or someone. I find it a lot easier to blame someone else and point out their faults than look at my own. I can attest to my own journey that stress brings up old wounds at which point I had the choice to continue to blame other or look at myself, how I saw myself,how I felt about my and from that place of feeling unloveable and unworthy or not enough and at times to much caused havoc in my relationships…Shakespeare said, “to thine own self be true.” that is where my journey started. When I made the decision to know, accept and acknowledge the broken wounded areas in my life my relationship with myself and others became healthier.
Super interesting!! I try to think that I don’t hide much about myself, but we always hide certain things to others. Sometimes people have told me that I am perceived as intimidating, maybe because I tend to say what I think.
It makes the relationship more difficult to access as there is more distance. This can be seen in judgement and criticism or by distancing themselves and in my experience waiting to be sure of the people around them’s acceptance but they may not be able to access that due to their distancing out there in that wide world
Mmm that hit home. I often feel that I’m not interesting, boring, not good at holding a conversation, mean hearted & selfish. This makes me withdraw & often feel depressed. I compare myself to others & feel inadequate
They are not able to be accepted for who they are and are always presenting a false self. It is draining emotionally to have to keep putting up a front to those we love.
Kathy, Marriage/Family Therapy, Orchard park , NY, USAsays
I felt I would need more questions to learn about our clients feelings of not feeling good enough. Also when we say it’s not you’re
Fault I think their has to be more support for that
They can be perceived as controlling, secretive or even uncaring as they try to bury what they really feeling, which can add to their frustration or sadness.
Anne Schwartz Delibert, Counseling, N. Bethesda, MD, USAsays
When my clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, how does that affect their relationships?
That behavior puts distance between themselves and others, as they judge and complain about themselves and others, especially if there’s no honest disclosure. Lack of facing what they don’t like about themselves, exacerbates self-judgements and emotional pain. Self-acceptance and support from loved ones can help people take steps to heal emotional wounds and let go of negative self-perceptions. I’m aware that my judgmental self tries to help me behave in the way I want to be seen. Judgments are a misguided way to “help.” It’s good to develop a positive way to talk to oneself. Encouragement helps: “I’m proud of you for taking steps to be friendly and articulate today.”
For one partner, true connection is not possible because the space opposite is empty, as there is no real (true) counterpart. For the other partner connection is not possible because he/she is hiding and is so busy with this hiding game that he/she is blind to the needs of the other and to his own. How sad, both must feel very lonely!
I can certainly relate to your story. At first, I thought that I had left that comment and had forgotten about it. That’s how well I could relate to what you were saying. The only difference is that I don’t have friends who understand depression and anxiety. As you said most people do not want to listen to someone who’s depressed for various raisons. Therapy helps if you find a good therapist (not always the case). Here, it’s very difficult to find a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. Therefore I rely on books, Yoga, Mindfulness and meditation and Self-Acceptance. It’s not easy with everything that’s going on in the world but rest assured that you’re not alone. Support is so important. We will get better but in my case it might take a little bit longer. Stay strong! Blessings and loving thoughts being send your way.
Thank you for this nice video: ) It’s make me so much to think about my clients.
If the client do not accept him self he can feel ashamed and fear about being left, so it’s difficult for him to get closer. Therefore, he leaves himself, withdraws from the relationship, which is not conducive to closeness.
One client recently expressed a lot of sadness and some anger in his relationship with his parents as a child and young adult. He expressed not feeling seen or heard in his relationship with one parent who played a dominant/domineering role in the family and feeling sadness for his other quiet/submissive parent. What I’ve noticed is that unprocessed painful emotions (such as sadness, anger, and grief) and trauma over not feeling seen, heard, and valued/cared for in childhood by parents and caregivers affects many adults in their current relationships often leading to isolating one’s self more as an adult. Unprocessed trauma or repressed sadness, anger, and grief from not feeling loved and seen/heard/valued by parents and caregivers can often lead to the avoidance of relationships (intimate relationships, friendships, etc.) or using a relationship (most often, an intimate one) to go more numb or to hide from deeply meeting/opening to unprocessed emotions and childhood trauma in a healthy and self-compassionate way. The dominant culture and mass media reinforce these numbing/hiding and avoidance/self-isolating mechanisms of our limbic survival wiring, making it seem like there’s no opportunity or option for true healing and transforming such habits of relating.
They should not see that I need them, that I may take too much from them, caring more for my needs then for theirs. This keeps me closed, they can’t connect deeply to me and I can’t either. It leaves us both alone.
Multi-tasking rarely works, and self-criticism blocks or cancels self-acceptance. Learning balance is always more possible with an infusion of curiosity.
Many thanks for this beginning video.
John Kavanaugh, LCSW
They are trying to keep up a false persona and this gets harder. If they feel their partner is getting close to figuring it out or even turning away from their false self they may start blaming/shaming them.
From myself, I am hiding (and, at the same time, denying) my failures … professional, academic, familial. And, it seems like denying is a way of hiding not from my failure, but from my guilt.
This is very interesting, I was reading a poem by Lao Tzu which seems to connect to what you are saying Tara: Always we hope/ someone else has the answer/some other place will be better/some other time/it will turn out. This is it./ No one else has the answer/no other place will be better/and it has already turned out. At the centre of your being/you have the answer/you know who you are and you know what you want. There is no need to run outside for better seeing/nor to peer from a window/Rather abide at the centre of your being/for the more you leave it/the less you learn. Search your heart and see/the way to do is to be. Thank you Tara for an inspiring and connecting first video
I can see, through listening, that my insecurity can push my loved ones away.
This action is harmful to me and others…
Looking forward to learning more so I can change my focus.
Kelly K, Health Education, Emeryville , CA, USAsays
I believe I have to be perfect and right in order to be loved and have been holding onto a deep sense of shame since childhood. The pandemic and working In a health field has really heightened this feeling of never being enough. So I have become very edgy and defensive which just creates a vicious cycle. Thank you for the reminder that being hard on myself is creating this distance. Time to start loving me for me!
My belief that I am not good enough, and am flawed, am weak as in do not have all the answers along with my body shame are things I try to hide from others. I try to hide how critical I can be both of myself and others. My fear of intimacy and vulnerability has kept me very alone and I have often chosen to be around people who reinforce those beliefs. I think this video was really clear and insightful, thank you
I actually feel somewhat invisible with them, like they don’t really see me. I do understand now why I felt invisible to others for so many many years. They could not see me, or sense my presence , when I was, unbeknownst to me, covering up my authentic self by my timidness and fear of non-acceptance. It’s like I’m in a different world, hiding my insecurities
Nicole Buholzer, Coach, san Francsico, CA, USAsays
they may feel lonely and isolated and often ashamed for being who they are. Hard to find their authenticity. Feelings of disconnection. that there is something wrong about them and they may disappoint or hurt others around them when they find out
I tend to start to take things out on others when I am hiding. There is this kind of inflation and self-sabotage that happens. It makes me feel crazy and insane and when/if I do get around to sharing what I’ve hidden with others there is a deflation feeling and I am generally met with compassion and a good dose of reality–a shift from head to heart happens.
When I don’t like something about myself, I hide it from others. The protective shell created around the “secret” is a separating force. I retreat behind the shell and the shell keeps the other away.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself effects my relationships by lacking the confidence to be fully open, vulnerable and generous.
When a client “hides” their truths, their relationships suffer because others in that relationship are not given the ability to deal with the truth.
We can deal with the truth. It’s the un-truths, including silence, that destroys relationships.
Self judgement so hard to be at peace with
What a thought!
Thanks so much Tontara for this lovable and direct impulse….
I will go along with it…
Not enough is a main topic for me…
thanks and ever soo good to be I my way. With tara”s help… ❤️🙋🏼♀️.
A personal deficiency?… A bunch of them…
We all want to be known yet are afraid to be known. Part of the problem is that I really don’t truly know myself. There are parts of me that I don’t want to know -acknowledge or accept and I think of the most part all this is going on unconsciously…until something drastic happens and I’m feeling stressed, anxious or fearful of losing something or someone. I find it a lot easier to blame someone else and point out their faults than look at my own. I can attest to my own journey that stress brings up old wounds at which point I had the choice to continue to blame other or look at myself, how I saw myself,how I felt about my and from that place of feeling unloveable and unworthy or not enough and at times to much caused havoc in my relationships…Shakespeare said, “to thine own self be true.” that is where my journey started. When I made the decision to know, accept and acknowledge the broken wounded areas in my life my relationship with myself and others became healthier.
I think that they cannot be authentic in their relationships, particularly those very close to them.
Super interesting!! I try to think that I don’t hide much about myself, but we always hide certain things to others. Sometimes people have told me that I am perceived as intimidating, maybe because I tend to say what I think.
It makes the relationship more difficult to access as there is more distance. This can be seen in judgement and criticism or by distancing themselves and in my experience waiting to be sure of the people around them’s acceptance but they may not be able to access that due to their distancing out there in that wide world
Mmm that hit home. I often feel that I’m not interesting, boring, not good at holding a conversation, mean hearted & selfish. This makes me withdraw & often feel depressed. I compare myself to others & feel inadequate
It creates internal conflict … the parts we hide play out in other forms means in our life often destructively as it’s the denied suppressed parts
Loved it thanks Tara makes so much sense!
They are not able to be accepted for who they are and are always presenting a false self. It is draining emotionally to have to keep putting up a front to those we love.
The offering of self-caring was powerful. It eased guilt and sadness.
I felt I would need more questions to learn about our clients feelings of not feeling good enough. Also when we say it’s not you’re
Fault I think their has to be more support for that
They can be perceived as controlling, secretive or even uncaring as they try to bury what they really feeling, which can add to their frustration or sadness.
When my clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, how does that affect their relationships?
That behavior puts distance between themselves and others, as they judge and complain about themselves and others, especially if there’s no honest disclosure. Lack of facing what they don’t like about themselves, exacerbates self-judgements and emotional pain. Self-acceptance and support from loved ones can help people take steps to heal emotional wounds and let go of negative self-perceptions. I’m aware that my judgmental self tries to help me behave in the way I want to be seen. Judgments are a misguided way to “help.” It’s good to develop a positive way to talk to oneself. Encouragement helps: “I’m proud of you for taking steps to be friendly and articulate today.”
For one partner, true connection is not possible because the space opposite is empty, as there is no real (true) counterpart. For the other partner connection is not possible because he/she is hiding and is so busy with this hiding game that he/she is blind to the needs of the other and to his own. How sad, both must feel very lonely!
Just recognized this in myself with my partner recently
I can certainly relate to your story. At first, I thought that I had left that comment and had forgotten about it. That’s how well I could relate to what you were saying. The only difference is that I don’t have friends who understand depression and anxiety. As you said most people do not want to listen to someone who’s depressed for various raisons. Therapy helps if you find a good therapist (not always the case). Here, it’s very difficult to find a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy. Therefore I rely on books, Yoga, Mindfulness and meditation and Self-Acceptance. It’s not easy with everything that’s going on in the world but rest assured that you’re not alone. Support is so important. We will get better but in my case it might take a little bit longer. Stay strong! Blessings and loving thoughts being send your way.
People seem to take two steps back regardless.
Thank you for this nice video: ) It’s make me so much to think about my clients.
If the client do not accept him self he can feel ashamed and fear about being left, so it’s difficult for him to get closer. Therefore, he leaves himself, withdraws from the relationship, which is not conducive to closeness.
Thank you for your guidance
One client recently expressed a lot of sadness and some anger in his relationship with his parents as a child and young adult. He expressed not feeling seen or heard in his relationship with one parent who played a dominant/domineering role in the family and feeling sadness for his other quiet/submissive parent. What I’ve noticed is that unprocessed painful emotions (such as sadness, anger, and grief) and trauma over not feeling seen, heard, and valued/cared for in childhood by parents and caregivers affects many adults in their current relationships often leading to isolating one’s self more as an adult. Unprocessed trauma or repressed sadness, anger, and grief from not feeling loved and seen/heard/valued by parents and caregivers can often lead to the avoidance of relationships (intimate relationships, friendships, etc.) or using a relationship (most often, an intimate one) to go more numb or to hide from deeply meeting/opening to unprocessed emotions and childhood trauma in a healthy and self-compassionate way. The dominant culture and mass media reinforce these numbing/hiding and avoidance/self-isolating mechanisms of our limbic survival wiring, making it seem like there’s no opportunity or option for true healing and transforming such habits of relating.
Proximity…try not to show my flaws, intend to be more powerful than I really is
It doesnt allow them to be honeset and true with thir partners , what makes it impossible to have an honest compassionate relationships
They should not see that I need them, that I may take too much from them, caring more for my needs then for theirs. This keeps me closed, they can’t connect deeply to me and I can’t either. It leaves us both alone.
It drives a bolt between them, trust shrinks, they want the other to change
Multi-tasking rarely works, and self-criticism blocks or cancels self-acceptance. Learning balance is always more possible with an infusion of curiosity.
Many thanks for this beginning video.
John Kavanaugh, LCSW
Thank you!
They are trying to keep up a false persona and this gets harder. If they feel their partner is getting close to figuring it out or even turning away from their false self they may start blaming/shaming them.
When I try to hide my worst flaws or deficiencies, I begin to act out of fear, and not out of compassion, or equanimity, or wisdom.
They become less vulnerable and open with the ones they value the most.
From myself, I am hiding (and, at the same time, denying) my failures … professional, academic, familial. And, it seems like denying is a way of hiding not from my failure, but from my guilt.
This is very interesting, I was reading a poem by Lao Tzu which seems to connect to what you are saying Tara: Always we hope/ someone else has the answer/some other place will be better/some other time/it will turn out. This is it./ No one else has the answer/no other place will be better/and it has already turned out. At the centre of your being/you have the answer/you know who you are and you know what you want. There is no need to run outside for better seeing/nor to peer from a window/Rather abide at the centre of your being/for the more you leave it/the less you learn. Search your heart and see/the way to do is to be. Thank you Tara for an inspiring and connecting first video
It creates distance because I’m less “real” or comfortable being the real me. I hide parts of my thinking from my husband.
I can see, through listening, that my insecurity can push my loved ones away.
This action is harmful to me and others…
Looking forward to learning more so I can change my focus.
I don’t feel that I am good enough, I am often judging myself inferior to my friends. They all seem more knowledgeable than I am. I withdraw a lot.
I believe I have to be perfect and right in order to be loved and have been holding onto a deep sense of shame since childhood. The pandemic and working In a health field has really heightened this feeling of never being enough. So I have become very edgy and defensive which just creates a vicious cycle. Thank you for the reminder that being hard on myself is creating this distance. Time to start loving me for me!
My belief that I am not good enough, and am flawed, am weak as in do not have all the answers along with my body shame are things I try to hide from others. I try to hide how critical I can be both of myself and others. My fear of intimacy and vulnerability has kept me very alone and I have often chosen to be around people who reinforce those beliefs. I think this video was really clear and insightful, thank you
I don’t feel that certain aspects of myself aren’t good enough like sexuality. It makes me fearful of intimacy.
This has been eye opening for me,I am currently working on a couple at the edge of divorce,and the husband has issues of self acceptance
I actually feel somewhat invisible with them, like they don’t really see me. I do understand now why I felt invisible to others for so many many years. They could not see me, or sense my presence , when I was, unbeknownst to me, covering up my authentic self by my timidness and fear of non-acceptance. It’s like I’m in a different world, hiding my insecurities
It prevents me from helping them as fully as I might.
they may feel lonely and isolated and often ashamed for being who they are. Hard to find their authenticity. Feelings of disconnection. that there is something wrong about them and they may disappoint or hurt others around them when they find out
I tend to start to take things out on others when I am hiding. There is this kind of inflation and self-sabotage that happens. It makes me feel crazy and insane and when/if I do get around to sharing what I’ve hidden with others there is a deflation feeling and I am generally met with compassion and a good dose of reality–a shift from head to heart happens.
ThanksTara. Always a message that resonates with what truly matters. Monica
I am become unwilling to be vulnerable. I don’t feel safe in any of my relationships. Hence, I i have no friends, etc.
Love listening to you on the internet
This is a very important link being made. This also raises issues of attachment styles.