when my clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, they experience an internal sense of separation/alienation, mostly from themselves, but also from their friends/colleagues/loved ones. This can lead to further withdrawal and an increased notion of “I’m not ok as long as this…. exists in me”.
And within a group context, the other participants sense something is off and often subconsciously begin to withhold spontaneously sharing every aspect of themselves – until they become aware of it and address this openly, curious to explore what this might be about.
If I can’t accept myself how can I expect another to accept me, and how can I fully accept another?
Lacking self-acceptance I will be highly defended against being seen for fear of rejection. I will therefore keep relationships at a safe distance and avoid intimate connection. I may also project my own feelings of inadequacy onto others continuing a cycle of disconnect from self and other.
You can’t be who you are anymore, so it means that you start being fake. You lose connection to yourself what results in not being able to really connect with someone else. The result of that is that you drift apart.
You probably interpret a lot of actions of the other as rejection regarding that what you are hiding. What stimulates the drifting apart.
I think I have ADHD I have lost contact with my sisters other than birthday and Christmas cards I feel I haven’t done enough to keep our relationship open but seem to lack confidence to contact them
Wrapped up in their own world, negative stories of worries and anxiety about what’s going on inside their minds; there is precious little time or opportunity for some of my clients to look for and connect with the goodness, safety and positive opportunities to relax and smile with other people around them in the outside world. 😊🐝
Meditation and mindfulness have really helped both me and my clients begin to soften. Letting go of my anger, shame and judgement in my own life has helped me feel more at peace.💕
My jealousy overrides my sense of worthiness in my marriage & is causing me to feel very insecure and paranoid. It’s really effecting my ability to deepen the trust in my husband.
Being aware of it and using the RAIN technique is helping hugely.
Thank you again Tara for your wise words. It’s all stuff we know of course, but it is enlightening to hear it again-and from you. Because with each phase of our lives, each change of experience, it all looks different and the old wisdoms are more profound and relevant than ever. Thank you.
If I don’t like myself in lack of creativity and tries to avoid this issue, my friends who do not know may try to engage or invite me and by turning them away, it will gradually distant our relationships.
A great question, particularly when considering projection, identification and bad othering. So often these dynamics surface in couple counselling , generating ‘the fight’ the same fight over and over again, as what can’t be tolerated about oneself is seen in a partner or loved one. Then perceptions that they are the enemy, they the other, that are making me feel uncomfortable, and other negative feelings that generate defensive and hostile responses. Inter-relational dynamics as a result of inherent negativity bias (often deeply held about oneself) become tense, less giving, argumentative, distant, cold, lonely and progressively disconnected, sad and in pain. Yet the memory and knowing of connection generates hope. Hope to find a way back to feeling connection and love, the soothing balm to distress and feeling better and more accepting of our goodness and flawed selves. Ever a work in progress.
Looking forward to the next video. Thank you Tara 🙏✨
My struggle to hide my vulnerability and insecurity have cost me a lot of physical and mental suffering. Slowly I have become aware of this pattern with the help of your teachings. I’ve acquired more patience and compassion to be mindful of this behaviour and I am hopeful that my family will continue toward the healing path. Thank you for all your teachings.
Accepteptance of my vulnerability, caring for it, is something I have been trying to do lately. Your teaching is a support in this new path I am taking today. Thanks a lot.
they are unable to be open and loving because in the back of their head they are feeling not enough in some way. They may react negatively to a neutral or positive situation and have difficulty dealing with negative emotions or catastrophize
My ancestral inheritance is numbness. I find myself not able to access my resources when I am even slightly disregulated. It makes me feel out of alignment with my core beliefs because I am not always able to respond in the ways that I would like to show up for others and myself.
It leaves me with self doubt. I find it hard to be really open as I am worried that my partner will not like that side of me. I look forward to the next session
When I hid my “unpleasant” emotions and reactions from family partners and colleagues, I made myself anxious and invisible. Over time I learned to own my reactions feelings and actions both positive and negative- to notice when I showed up poorly and I strived and continue to strive to improve. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I feel like I’m lost in a mystery. And yet whenever I am me fully I feel whole seen stronger.
I am worried that deep down I am selfish, not creative and boring. As a result, I try to hide or overcompensate, and then I just feel like a fraud. So instead I decide to keep everything hidden and stay away from relationship all together and am terribly lonely.
Well, this caught me by surprise. But your thoughts resonated enough with me to want to respond. I feel, no believe, that I have always had a problem with forming close relationships. On the surface it is that I don’t want to reveal myself; there’s a fear. If I lift the rock and look under, I fear that I am unlovable. If I dig deeper I find that I didn’t get that unconditional love from my parents and so I never felt good enough. Going deeper I find that it wasn’t really their fault. They couldn’t, because they never got it themselves from their own parents. I don’t blame them or any body. This is one kind of karma. I am disappointed that I have not been able to shift the paradigm. But I am learning to be a kinder person and not to be so hard on myself. Thank You.
I feel like I struggle with relationships, with feeling close to people, with feeling like I’m interesting or worthy or good enough. I’m interested to hear about this, to hear how how it could be be that my own self judgement has stood in the way and caused me to judge others. the inside reflects the outside, the outside reflects inside. It takes one to know one. Thank you for your guidance Tara I am doing your mindfulness daily course and and it is is transformative. I appreciate you.
Thanks Tara as usual you are spot on
T lived the question, it brings back so many clients in my mind and helps me connect to their self suffering
What a powerful tool
It makes me feel that I can’t fully connect with others in an honest, open way. Because I judge myself, I am anxious about not being acceptable to others.
Skin in the game! For all participants. I’m just naturally friendly and curious about beings—when I feel safe in the world. If I don’t, id rather not even try to connect.
I give up somewhat easily but do ruminate a bit until can identify what’s bothering me about this relationship.
The pandemic has created such a need to connect that i appreciate more about people without maybe sweating the small stuff, if that makes any sense.
If I can’t be honest and risk being vulnerable, I send out a message that I am afraid of intimacy. I am a recovering addict, and I think I have an intimacy disorder. My partner wants intimacy and isn’t afraid to be honest and vulnerable. My fear of intimacy keeps me at a distance from my partner.
Hope Karimi-Sheumaker, Another Field, SANTA ANA, CA, USAsays
There is no true intimacy. My husband feels the lack of intimacy. There is a feeling of walking of eggshells in our relationship most of the time and too much fear of losing one another.
Regular friendships have become shallow and there are really no true friendships which leads to closing the self off from others.
And then the chain reaction to all of this. It affects everything in a negative way.
Spot on. When clients cannot accept some aspect of themselves, it plays out in either criticizing others or overly inflating the other to the point that they (their needs, desires, healthy self expression) no longer exist.
I believe that the hidden parts, and not revealing of themselves may lead others to perhaps perceive and judge them as weak, demasculated, dishonest, a fraud, disingenuous, shameful, living a lie, emotionally undeveloped, overdeveloped ego. The awareness of their hidden self may lead others to not be trusting, leaving yourself to loneliness, despair, feelings of deep shame, guilt and further emotional distance and fear of intimacy of relationships.
It seperates me from others. I do not believe I am truly likable. Too loud, excitable, promise more than I can do. I also see this is a deep pattern from childhood-after having been abused in every way. Shame and a deep dark secret were always my companions.
How to enable, to allow, to encourage the heart to have joy in who I am as I am, in others just as they are, in things the way they are? How to find security, to nurture equanimity in impermanence, loss and grief? Not sure I’m hiding things from others or from myself. But this maybe because I am not aware of doing so. How to work on relationships with myself and with others? Maybe through sharpening up awareness of encounters with the brahma viharas and through finding even the tiniest ways of being these for others, but without attention to or interest in the process or outcome. Just hoping others may benefit from our interbeing.
I don’t want others to see my phisical weakness (chronic illness) and the fear that sometimes comes with it. That leads to me not suffiently communicating my need for rest and making promises (about work and family responsibilities) I ultimately can not hold. I will then feel guilty and down on myself if I do take time to rest instead of doing wahat I promised to do. I hate myself for the negative effect it will have on the trust in my relationships if i break my promises over and over again but Iam also afraid that if Iam honest about what I can do and what not that others will reject me because they will think that i am just lazy or a needy sick person, basicially more a burden than a contribution. in the end I am afraid myself that i can’t be the person I want to be just because of my illness and thus I reject and mismanage my physical needs.
It takes energy away from the good things that I can be doing and experiencing in life to cover up flaws. Hiding the flaws doesn’t allow for deeper connection with the other, when they might also then choose to open up and we can take that relationship to another level. Also, maybe naming it out loud allows me to not deny it to myself. I can perhaps receive more compassion from the other as they see I am humble and recognize my faults
Wow, this really resonated with me… Thank you for your glimpse of truth.
I so wonder why it is so hard to love ourselves… It could improve our world exponentially! Thank you!
Thanks so much for all you do. This greatly affects my relationships now and in the past with the quality and quantity I have with my family and friends.
I often project my insecurities toward my wife. When I’m consumed by busyness and lack presence I feel guilty that I am not able to help more at home. I deflect that guilt by criticizing my wife for not doing more. I create unreal expectations where she is the one falling short in order to protect my own ego and personal shortcomings.
Marianne Beckwith, Other, Scotts Valley, CA, USAsays
I’m old. 74. Unmarried since 1983 when I divorced. I’m always feeling with shame – how do I hide my incompetence? My inability to be ingroups of people and converse intelligently. I guess I’ve had it pounded into me that intelligence is critical. You’re either intelligent or stupid. I am I in between but can’t live up to being intelligent (intellectual) so how worthy can I be?
There’s so much here. You really hit a nerve.
When we try to hide what we don’t like about ourselves, we become more self-focused and protective. We are spending more energy and attention focused inward in a fearful way, rather than orienting toward our loved one in an open and receptive way. It really gets in the way of authentic connection.
I realize that in hiding or not wanting others to see certain aspects of me ( aggressiveness for example) I don’t accept the flaws in my spouse. I am hard on myself ( judging) and judgemental with my wife.
Thank you
Jo-Anne
Hi Tara, this is Masha 🙏🏽
I have learned to be myself the past 15 years, after my divorce To an unabatible emotional partner
I always have been me more or less ,now I am totally me with almost every one, the situation is that certain people don’t know how to be around someone so open and honest, others have taken advantage in my low moments, others don’t want to engage in deep reAl conversation specially when they are about life circumstances that are not so pleasant, a small group love and find it refreshing and motivated since I am most of the time happy.
I am at the stage that I am me in a loving way and in a very honest way putting boundaries when I need and voicing the good and the not do good.
If I can’t be me ….I really don’t want to be around,
I been trough so much lately in a good way and in a very difficult way, so I chose sometimes to be different parts of me according of how I feel, yes sometimes even a little self destructive which I am walking away from that non sense. I am choosing again and again to heal, to be grateful which brings me peace and joy and to minimize worries, healing my heart which needs it and trying and wanting to hold a good vibration within myself, nature helps me tremendously I feel divine,loving creation there.
Thank you sooo very much for your free teachings (going trough some rough times on economics )
Your teachings have help me to stay humble and giving me a sense of belonging sometimes actually changing my perceptions.
Your sweet calm presence is helping me healing my heart knowing that there still are beautiful people that really care unconditionally 🙏🏽💖✨
May divine intelligence and love bless you Tara.
Because 1) We continue to hide it from OURSELVES. 2) We dont give them the chance to LOVE US…since we dont accept ourselves we cant believe THEY DO.
Receiving love is so important..it stabilizes us…it’s a basic need…if we cant we perpetuate the self criticism and doubt
when my clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, they experience an internal sense of separation/alienation, mostly from themselves, but also from their friends/colleagues/loved ones. This can lead to further withdrawal and an increased notion of “I’m not ok as long as this…. exists in me”.
And within a group context, the other participants sense something is off and often subconsciously begin to withhold spontaneously sharing every aspect of themselves – until they become aware of it and address this openly, curious to explore what this might be about.
If I can’t accept myself how can I expect another to accept me, and how can I fully accept another?
Lacking self-acceptance I will be highly defended against being seen for fear of rejection. I will therefore keep relationships at a safe distance and avoid intimate connection. I may also project my own feelings of inadequacy onto others continuing a cycle of disconnect from self and other.
You can’t be who you are anymore, so it means that you start being fake. You lose connection to yourself what results in not being able to really connect with someone else. The result of that is that you drift apart.
You probably interpret a lot of actions of the other as rejection regarding that what you are hiding. What stimulates the drifting apart.
I think I have ADHD I have lost contact with my sisters other than birthday and Christmas cards I feel I haven’t done enough to keep our relationship open but seem to lack confidence to contact them
I am not particularly plagued by lack of self acceptance, but mostly by an urge to perform and to dominate my environment.
Really helpful! Thank you!
Wrapped up in their own world, negative stories of worries and anxiety about what’s going on inside their minds; there is precious little time or opportunity for some of my clients to look for and connect with the goodness, safety and positive opportunities to relax and smile with other people around them in the outside world. 😊🐝
Meditation and mindfulness have really helped both me and my clients begin to soften. Letting go of my anger, shame and judgement in my own life has helped me feel more at peace.💕
Thank you for deeper my knowledge and wisdom
Hi Tara,
Thanks for your wonderful talks & guidance.
My jealousy overrides my sense of worthiness in my marriage & is causing me to feel very insecure and paranoid. It’s really effecting my ability to deepen the trust in my husband.
Being aware of it and using the RAIN technique is helping hugely.
I worry about failing and not getting it right and what others may think. It’s something to work on .
Thank you again Tara for your wise words. It’s all stuff we know of course, but it is enlightening to hear it again-and from you. Because with each phase of our lives, each change of experience, it all looks different and the old wisdoms are more profound and relevant than ever. Thank you.
Extremely helpful and simply explained very grateful for these efforts without any strings . 🌻🌈☮️
If I don’t like myself in lack of creativity and tries to avoid this issue, my friends who do not know may try to engage or invite me and by turning them away, it will gradually distant our relationships.
A great question, particularly when considering projection, identification and bad othering. So often these dynamics surface in couple counselling , generating ‘the fight’ the same fight over and over again, as what can’t be tolerated about oneself is seen in a partner or loved one. Then perceptions that they are the enemy, they the other, that are making me feel uncomfortable, and other negative feelings that generate defensive and hostile responses. Inter-relational dynamics as a result of inherent negativity bias (often deeply held about oneself) become tense, less giving, argumentative, distant, cold, lonely and progressively disconnected, sad and in pain. Yet the memory and knowing of connection generates hope. Hope to find a way back to feeling connection and love, the soothing balm to distress and feeling better and more accepting of our goodness and flawed selves. Ever a work in progress.
Looking forward to the next video. Thank you Tara 🙏✨
My struggle to hide my vulnerability and insecurity have cost me a lot of physical and mental suffering. Slowly I have become aware of this pattern with the help of your teachings. I’ve acquired more patience and compassion to be mindful of this behaviour and I am hopeful that my family will continue toward the healing path. Thank you for all your teachings.
Accepteptance of my vulnerability, caring for it, is something I have been trying to do lately. Your teaching is a support in this new path I am taking today. Thanks a lot.
they are unable to be open and loving because in the back of their head they are feeling not enough in some way. They may react negatively to a neutral or positive situation and have difficulty dealing with negative emotions or catastrophize
My ancestral inheritance is numbness. I find myself not able to access my resources when I am even slightly disregulated. It makes me feel out of alignment with my core beliefs because I am not always able to respond in the ways that I would like to show up for others and myself.
It leaves me with self doubt. I find it hard to be really open as I am worried that my partner will not like that side of me. I look forward to the next session
When I hid my “unpleasant” emotions and reactions from family partners and colleagues, I made myself anxious and invisible. Over time I learned to own my reactions feelings and actions both positive and negative- to notice when I showed up poorly and I strived and continue to strive to improve. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I feel like I’m lost in a mystery. And yet whenever I am me fully I feel whole seen stronger.
I am worried that deep down I am selfish, not creative and boring. As a result, I try to hide or overcompensate, and then I just feel like a fraud. So instead I decide to keep everything hidden and stay away from relationship all together and am terribly lonely.
Well, this caught me by surprise. But your thoughts resonated enough with me to want to respond. I feel, no believe, that I have always had a problem with forming close relationships. On the surface it is that I don’t want to reveal myself; there’s a fear. If I lift the rock and look under, I fear that I am unlovable. If I dig deeper I find that I didn’t get that unconditional love from my parents and so I never felt good enough. Going deeper I find that it wasn’t really their fault. They couldn’t, because they never got it themselves from their own parents. I don’t blame them or any body. This is one kind of karma. I am disappointed that I have not been able to shift the paradigm. But I am learning to be a kinder person and not to be so hard on myself. Thank You.
loved your soothing one- very therapeutic
I feel like I struggle with relationships, with feeling close to people, with feeling like I’m interesting or worthy or good enough. I’m interested to hear about this, to hear how how it could be be that my own self judgement has stood in the way and caused me to judge others. the inside reflects the outside, the outside reflects inside. It takes one to know one. Thank you for your guidance Tara I am doing your mindfulness daily course and and it is is transformative. I appreciate you.
Thanks Tara as usual you are spot on
T lived the question, it brings back so many clients in my mind and helps me connect to their self suffering
What a powerful tool
It makes me feel that I can’t fully connect with others in an honest, open way. Because I judge myself, I am anxious about not being acceptable to others.
These questions are so powerful and really want to find ways to use them in my in life and with clients
Skin in the game! For all participants. I’m just naturally friendly and curious about beings—when I feel safe in the world. If I don’t, id rather not even try to connect.
I give up somewhat easily but do ruminate a bit until can identify what’s bothering me about this relationship.
The pandemic has created such a need to connect that i appreciate more about people without maybe sweating the small stuff, if that makes any sense.
It keeps me at a distance, separate, with a false sense of safety.
If I can’t be honest and risk being vulnerable, I send out a message that I am afraid of intimacy. I am a recovering addict, and I think I have an intimacy disorder. My partner wants intimacy and isn’t afraid to be honest and vulnerable. My fear of intimacy keeps me at a distance from my partner.
There is no true intimacy. My husband feels the lack of intimacy. There is a feeling of walking of eggshells in our relationship most of the time and too much fear of losing one another.
Regular friendships have become shallow and there are really no true friendships which leads to closing the self off from others.
And then the chain reaction to all of this. It affects everything in a negative way.
Spot on. When clients cannot accept some aspect of themselves, it plays out in either criticizing others or overly inflating the other to the point that they (their needs, desires, healthy self expression) no longer exist.
Blocks openness and honesty. Not fully available to others
I believe that the hidden parts, and not revealing of themselves may lead others to perhaps perceive and judge them as weak, demasculated, dishonest, a fraud, disingenuous, shameful, living a lie, emotionally undeveloped, overdeveloped ego. The awareness of their hidden self may lead others to not be trusting, leaving yourself to loneliness, despair, feelings of deep shame, guilt and further emotional distance and fear of intimacy of relationships.
It seperates me from others. I do not believe I am truly likable. Too loud, excitable, promise more than I can do. I also see this is a deep pattern from childhood-after having been abused in every way. Shame and a deep dark secret were always my companions.
How to enable, to allow, to encourage the heart to have joy in who I am as I am, in others just as they are, in things the way they are? How to find security, to nurture equanimity in impermanence, loss and grief? Not sure I’m hiding things from others or from myself. But this maybe because I am not aware of doing so. How to work on relationships with myself and with others? Maybe through sharpening up awareness of encounters with the brahma viharas and through finding even the tiniest ways of being these for others, but without attention to or interest in the process or outcome. Just hoping others may benefit from our interbeing.
It erects a wall between myself and others.
Thank you so much for your support and help.
I don’t want others to see my phisical weakness (chronic illness) and the fear that sometimes comes with it. That leads to me not suffiently communicating my need for rest and making promises (about work and family responsibilities) I ultimately can not hold. I will then feel guilty and down on myself if I do take time to rest instead of doing wahat I promised to do. I hate myself for the negative effect it will have on the trust in my relationships if i break my promises over and over again but Iam also afraid that if Iam honest about what I can do and what not that others will reject me because they will think that i am just lazy or a needy sick person, basicially more a burden than a contribution. in the end I am afraid myself that i can’t be the person I want to be just because of my illness and thus I reject and mismanage my physical needs.
It takes energy away from the good things that I can be doing and experiencing in life to cover up flaws. Hiding the flaws doesn’t allow for deeper connection with the other, when they might also then choose to open up and we can take that relationship to another level. Also, maybe naming it out loud allows me to not deny it to myself. I can perhaps receive more compassion from the other as they see I am humble and recognize my faults
Thank you!
Wow, this really resonated with me… Thank you for your glimpse of truth.
I so wonder why it is so hard to love ourselves… It could improve our world exponentially! Thank you!
Thanks so much for all you do. This greatly affects my relationships now and in the past with the quality and quantity I have with my family and friends.
I often project my insecurities toward my wife. When I’m consumed by busyness and lack presence I feel guilty that I am not able to help more at home. I deflect that guilt by criticizing my wife for not doing more. I create unreal expectations where she is the one falling short in order to protect my own ego and personal shortcomings.
I’m old. 74. Unmarried since 1983 when I divorced. I’m always feeling with shame – how do I hide my incompetence? My inability to be ingroups of people and converse intelligently. I guess I’ve had it pounded into me that intelligence is critical. You’re either intelligent or stupid. I am I in between but can’t live up to being intelligent (intellectual) so how worthy can I be?
There’s so much here. You really hit a nerve.
When we try to hide what we don’t like about ourselves, we become more self-focused and protective. We are spending more energy and attention focused inward in a fearful way, rather than orienting toward our loved one in an open and receptive way. It really gets in the way of authentic connection.
I realize that in hiding or not wanting others to see certain aspects of me ( aggressiveness for example) I don’t accept the flaws in my spouse. I am hard on myself ( judging) and judgemental with my wife.
Thank you
Jo-Anne
It becomes inauthentic
That isn’t where my struggles with self criticism are. They are more like constant background noise
Hi Tara, this is Masha 🙏🏽
I have learned to be myself the past 15 years, after my divorce To an unabatible emotional partner
I always have been me more or less ,now I am totally me with almost every one, the situation is that certain people don’t know how to be around someone so open and honest, others have taken advantage in my low moments, others don’t want to engage in deep reAl conversation specially when they are about life circumstances that are not so pleasant, a small group love and find it refreshing and motivated since I am most of the time happy.
I am at the stage that I am me in a loving way and in a very honest way putting boundaries when I need and voicing the good and the not do good.
If I can’t be me ….I really don’t want to be around,
I been trough so much lately in a good way and in a very difficult way, so I chose sometimes to be different parts of me according of how I feel, yes sometimes even a little self destructive which I am walking away from that non sense. I am choosing again and again to heal, to be grateful which brings me peace and joy and to minimize worries, healing my heart which needs it and trying and wanting to hold a good vibration within myself, nature helps me tremendously I feel divine,loving creation there.
Thank you sooo very much for your free teachings (going trough some rough times on economics )
Your teachings have help me to stay humble and giving me a sense of belonging sometimes actually changing my perceptions.
Your sweet calm presence is helping me healing my heart knowing that there still are beautiful people that really care unconditionally 🙏🏽💖✨
May divine intelligence and love bless you Tara.
Because 1) We continue to hide it from OURSELVES. 2) We dont give them the chance to LOVE US…since we dont accept ourselves we cant believe THEY DO.
Receiving love is so important..it stabilizes us…it’s a basic need…if we cant we perpetuate the self criticism and doubt