I am too scared to share how I feel with others due to being hurt in the past when I have shared such things with people I trusted. It feels like a “borderline” characteristic but is very real and an obstacle in trust of myself and with others.
This is extremely relevant to my current relationship failures. I have repeated in my mothers footsteps of being high performing from 9-5 (metaphorically speaking), going above & beyond to help, assist, adapt to and care for others, and then reaching a cliff of willingness to be emotionally available. Exhaustion, physical disabilities, need for acceptance, connection & support, alcohol addiction all isolate me from being able to sustain meaningful, full & in depth relationships with others. I am learning to practice self awareness to be more mindful of my needs & limitations throughout the day – so as to avoid burnout & self frustration with my own limitations. I am still learning how to be deeply kind to myself, my body, my feelings, my thoughts – hopefully this bid the way to creating lasting relationships with others.
How does hiding what you don’t like about yourself impact your relationships?
When something I don’t like about myself arises, my first instinct is to try to avoid it using numbing behaviours like eating, exercising, watching TV, etc. It comes out eventually with depression, but because I’ve been avoiding it for so long, I stay confused and am unable to express or understand what is going on. And so I numb again, or try to face the impossible. Little by little.
Mindfulness has been helpful at times and hurtful at others. All the medicines I have been taught over the years have their place, but still I hurt a lot of the time.
The worst part is the disconnection from myself, I feel like I don’t really know who I am, so how can I share myself with another?
Elizabeth Reyes, Another Field, San Ramon, CA, USAsays
I now understand better why I often felt invisible in certain settings. I was not in touch with myself, and actually was hiding my real self from others because of fear of non-acceptance, of not being good enough. By not being my authentic self, the real me was not present in the moment. It’s almost like I was in another world, and not where I was really at at that moment. That made me invisible to others, especially too as I was not speaking up and, thereby, making my presence known.
The belief I’m not worthy or lovable has left my life feeling empty and alone and I have no social foundation or core group of friends or community. I’m not able to connect and engage socially and have the long-term friendships and support – I am physically alone. No children, no grandchildren – fragile marriage where we both just criticize & blame and too insecure to separate and be completely alone. 😔😔
Wow, great question: I have not thought about that but just last night had a dream that some friends seemed like they didn’t really like me. I think hiding what I don’t like may leave me feeling poised for rejection, on edge and anxious. Thank you for this opportunity.
Thank you so much for this concept. I have been a therapist for over 30 years and sitting with people I have come to think the same thing- feeling inadequate, unlovable is the root of most of their pain. I’m so excited to learn how you help others shift away from these beliefs.
Lauris, Another Field, Virginia Beach, VA, USAsays
I always feel like I don’t do things right or in a way considered good enough. I’m not the best mom, I’m not the best wife, I’m not a good house cleaner, I wasn’t a good attorney when I was working. Therefore I blame myself when anything goes slightly off a planned path. It sounds ridiculous to say everything is my fault, but that not good enough feeling and self blame is pervasive as an undercurrent in my life.
I cannot imagine feeling safe enough to reveal the things I hide. There was so much judgment in my family growing up. I feel shame around the behaviors I hide. They cause me to feel self disgust, which I desperately want to be free of. This is why I cannot “look other people in the eyes” squarely. I want them to see me with love, but I dont want them to see “this part.” So I don’t arrive open.
When I am truly open to another, honest with a willingness to be vulnerable, I am able to attain the intimacy I desire. Otherwise, I am just the observer and not present to the relationship, just going through the motions. Self love and care are critical.
Hi, first of all I really want to thank Tara for her insight it’s really changing my way of seeing my approach to life itself and the importance of being more in contact with my heart and true being.
I have POTS and I am HSP, so I feel physically and emotionally vulnerable (really vulnerable…). With my deep processing thinking I tend to say things that people don’t see and share with me, and I feel things too strongly so my feelings expression is uncomfortable for the majority’s and I came as an “intense” person and kind of grim. Also, nobody really understands what is really like to have POTS… and I have it since forever… So I tend to withdraw.
Tara’s reading a script while speaking is terribly distracting. I had a very difficult time concentrating on what she was saying while her eyes were shifting. She doesn’t appear to really be talking to me. I love what she’s saying but someone needs to correct this production issue.
This took me more than just a minute to think about….if fact, a couple of days and several pages of journal writing. I feel I’ve hit just the tip of the iceberg…this question will resound in my head for quite sometime as I discover and unearth more hidden cobwebs of things I don’t like about myself that I need to release and let go of….and find more love for myself.
This is great food for thought and I’m curious to bring a kind attention to it when I notice it so I can understand more how it may habitually play in me and unfortunately some of my behaviors.
i recognize patterns of behavioural response from this. my relationships have been very unhealthy and chaotic. as i have evolved so have my connections.
i am now in a relationship with myself. at 63, facing my mortality, I am learning self love and compassion.
grateful for the statement that some learn and adapt new behaviours easier than otheres.
my developmental disorganization has been a challenge to Reorganize as my Orbital cortex did not develop in a manner that allowed my frontal cortex to become primary. my mid-brain existence has been a True living HELL but I was blessed with Curiosity and therefore could see that i was damaged and not Absolutely responsible for my reactions.
i really need to let go of this internal nasty critic and I see that my stress has been a big part in feeling re-triggered. Isolation is a deflator of progress for me.
looking forward to this series.
i love the Rain meditation ( when i can meditate)
Thank you ! To hear spoken englisch is very hard to understand for me. To get the main meaning takes mostly three times hearing. But I think it is worth trying. If I can not trust myself I can not trust others. If you trust yourself to much you are open for fraud through others. The difficulty is as ever to find right mesur. But if you can not trust your partner you shut out intimity. So you would fail partnership.
They will be tight, stressed, closed, avoiding to be touched. This pushes the other person away,shows them lack of trust. Aggression will be the result.
Wonderful as Tara always is. What doesn’t a person want to be seen?
(an observation: the phrase “here’s the thing” is being used way too much on NICABM! Now even Tara is using it).
Thank you thought for it all.
I frequently come across people who are stuck in troubled relationships. I would like to listen to these teachings to gain more insight to be able to better assist people.
Tara, you’re always such a bright ray of sunshine, showing us how to nurture to our hearts and souls.
The question you ask is tricky for me – I don’t think I hide anything, as I feel that I’m pretty well invisible, transparent, a ghost. Sure, people see my physical form, but I sense they see nothing of interest there, just wispy clouds.
I am partly responsible for this, as I always turn the conversations back to the other person – it’s like a build a wall to hide the wispy cloud. I will always know everything about a new person, they will barely know my name. Hum… Why do I do that? Good question Tara!
Thank you Tara for sharing so generously with the world 🙏 I can see patterns of this in my own family & clients I work with. Experientially, I found practicing self awareness & acceptance techniques the key to healthier relating with others.
Ilene Beninson, Social Work, Ann Arbor, MI, USAsays
This is more common than not. Fear of vulnerability based on self doubt is huge. Clients push loved ones away to protect themselves from being found out as not being who they think others expect them to be. It happens to me too at times.
Deepest gratitude for your dedication to peace, self-compassion, and boundless gratitude.
In peace,
Valerie Kelly
Speech Language Pathologist
Certified Mindful Instructor
Mostly I try to hide my feelings within me, neglecting to share with someone. But one thing I usually do is when I go for my morning walk I do a lot of self talk as if someone else is walking with me. This releases a lot of stress and time to time I pause and take deep breathing. Thanks for this free video Tara!
Hiding makes me one hundred percent less available and open, more tense and suspicious of someone’s motives. If I’m criticizing myself I figure they must be thinking the same stuff and so my defensiveness takes over and I don’t pick up on nearly as much as I might were I feeling less self-critical in the moment. I act defensively and am much more prickly and judgmental than I’d be otherwise. Cue the shame and the repetitive cycle.
Thank you so much for the free video. It definitely gave me some food for thought. I am constantly hiding sadness and pain from my childhood. This has left me in a continuous physical pain loop. Fear of others knowing my sadness does keep many relationships I have at a distance. Everyday I am working on self acceptance. Thank you.
This ‘hiding’ myself leaves me feeling isolated and disconnected. So the hiding of perceived inadequacies leaves me feeling even more inadequate. A viscous, spiraling circle. Thank you for this video, it was so on target. I look forward to more. Namaste
Thanks for some words of wisdom and insight.
Everything you say makes so much sense, to me you are an amazing spiritual teacher and give very useful guidance for everyday life.THANK YOU
Yours in the DHARMA.
Sigrun
a German lady living in Australien who found Buddhism at the age of forty, I am now 72.
For me it was like homecoming, knowing I will always have guidance ( when I feel lost and lonely ) when I am open to it.
Mindfulness makes life worth living, thank you!!!
I am too scared to share how I feel with others due to being hurt in the past when I have shared such things with people I trusted. It feels like a “borderline” characteristic but is very real and an obstacle in trust of myself and with others.
This is extremely relevant to my current relationship failures. I have repeated in my mothers footsteps of being high performing from 9-5 (metaphorically speaking), going above & beyond to help, assist, adapt to and care for others, and then reaching a cliff of willingness to be emotionally available. Exhaustion, physical disabilities, need for acceptance, connection & support, alcohol addiction all isolate me from being able to sustain meaningful, full & in depth relationships with others. I am learning to practice self awareness to be more mindful of my needs & limitations throughout the day – so as to avoid burnout & self frustration with my own limitations. I am still learning how to be deeply kind to myself, my body, my feelings, my thoughts – hopefully this bid the way to creating lasting relationships with others.
How does hiding what you don’t like about yourself impact your relationships?
When something I don’t like about myself arises, my first instinct is to try to avoid it using numbing behaviours like eating, exercising, watching TV, etc. It comes out eventually with depression, but because I’ve been avoiding it for so long, I stay confused and am unable to express or understand what is going on. And so I numb again, or try to face the impossible. Little by little.
Mindfulness has been helpful at times and hurtful at others. All the medicines I have been taught over the years have their place, but still I hurt a lot of the time.
The worst part is the disconnection from myself, I feel like I don’t really know who I am, so how can I share myself with another?
I now understand better why I often felt invisible in certain settings. I was not in touch with myself, and actually was hiding my real self from others because of fear of non-acceptance, of not being good enough. By not being my authentic self, the real me was not present in the moment. It’s almost like I was in another world, and not where I was really at at that moment. That made me invisible to others, especially too as I was not speaking up and, thereby, making my presence known.
The belief I’m not worthy or lovable has left my life feeling empty and alone and I have no social foundation or core group of friends or community. I’m not able to connect and engage socially and have the long-term friendships and support – I am physically alone. No children, no grandchildren – fragile marriage where we both just criticize & blame and too insecure to separate and be completely alone. 😔😔
So very much needed now. Thank you Tara!
Leaves me alone a lot and feeling lonely and sad
Wow, great question: I have not thought about that but just last night had a dream that some friends seemed like they didn’t really like me. I think hiding what I don’t like may leave me feeling poised for rejection, on edge and anxious. Thank you for this opportunity.
Thank you so much for this concept. I have been a therapist for over 30 years and sitting with people I have come to think the same thing- feeling inadequate, unlovable is the root of most of their pain. I’m so excited to learn how you help others shift away from these beliefs.
Hiding something about oneself keeps one from realizing how much we all have in common.
Interested
I always feel like I don’t do things right or in a way considered good enough. I’m not the best mom, I’m not the best wife, I’m not a good house cleaner, I wasn’t a good attorney when I was working. Therefore I blame myself when anything goes slightly off a planned path. It sounds ridiculous to say everything is my fault, but that not good enough feeling and self blame is pervasive as an undercurrent in my life.
I cannot imagine feeling safe enough to reveal the things I hide. There was so much judgment in my family growing up. I feel shame around the behaviors I hide. They cause me to feel self disgust, which I desperately want to be free of. This is why I cannot “look other people in the eyes” squarely. I want them to see me with love, but I dont want them to see “this part.” So I don’t arrive open.
The inner parts that judge harshly come from trauma and loss. Defending against being hurt again is seen as self-protection.
When I am truly open to another, honest with a willingness to be vulnerable, I am able to attain the intimacy I desire. Otherwise, I am just the observer and not present to the relationship, just going through the motions. Self love and care are critical.
Hi, first of all I really want to thank Tara for her insight it’s really changing my way of seeing my approach to life itself and the importance of being more in contact with my heart and true being.
I have POTS and I am HSP, so I feel physically and emotionally vulnerable (really vulnerable…). With my deep processing thinking I tend to say things that people don’t see and share with me, and I feel things too strongly so my feelings expression is uncomfortable for the majority’s and I came as an “intense” person and kind of grim. Also, nobody really understands what is really like to have POTS… and I have it since forever… So I tend to withdraw.
Tara’s reading a script while speaking is terribly distracting. I had a very difficult time concentrating on what she was saying while her eyes were shifting. She doesn’t appear to really be talking to me. I love what she’s saying but someone needs to correct this production issue.
Maybe it helps to put yourself in a meditative position and close your eyes and focus on what she is saying, it works for me, regards
It’s hard to let go of feeling I haven’t been enough for my children. I want to let go of self-criticism and become more open-hearted.
This took me more than just a minute to think about….if fact, a couple of days and several pages of journal writing. I feel I’ve hit just the tip of the iceberg…this question will resound in my head for quite sometime as I discover and unearth more hidden cobwebs of things I don’t like about myself that I need to release and let go of….and find more love for myself.
No comment at this time
It creates tension and separation. Which leads to resentment, fear, confusion and loneliness. Blame is the excuse to protect their feelings.
That I can’t feel the connection with people, something which I so long for.
May we accept ourselves.
May we be kind to ourselves.
May we have peace.
May we be happy.
This sounds hopeful. I am motivated to hear the next talk/video.
This is great food for thought and I’m curious to bring a kind attention to it when I notice it so I can understand more how it may habitually play in me and unfortunately some of my behaviors.
Thank you for this meaningful reflection.
i recognize patterns of behavioural response from this. my relationships have been very unhealthy and chaotic. as i have evolved so have my connections.
i am now in a relationship with myself. at 63, facing my mortality, I am learning self love and compassion.
grateful for the statement that some learn and adapt new behaviours easier than otheres.
my developmental disorganization has been a challenge to Reorganize as my Orbital cortex did not develop in a manner that allowed my frontal cortex to become primary. my mid-brain existence has been a True living HELL but I was blessed with Curiosity and therefore could see that i was damaged and not Absolutely responsible for my reactions.
i really need to let go of this internal nasty critic and I see that my stress has been a big part in feeling re-triggered. Isolation is a deflator of progress for me.
looking forward to this series.
i love the Rain meditation ( when i can meditate)
There is distrust and dishonesty
Thank you ! To hear spoken englisch is very hard to understand for me. To get the main meaning takes mostly three times hearing. But I think it is worth trying. If I can not trust myself I can not trust others. If you trust yourself to much you are open for fraud through others. The difficulty is as ever to find right mesur. But if you can not trust your partner you shut out intimity. So you would fail partnership.
They will be tight, stressed, closed, avoiding to be touched. This pushes the other person away,shows them lack of trust. Aggression will be the result.
Wonderful as Tara always is. What doesn’t a person want to be seen?
(an observation: the phrase “here’s the thing” is being used way too much on NICABM! Now even Tara is using it).
Thank you thought for it all.
I frequently come across people who are stuck in troubled relationships. I would like to listen to these teachings to gain more insight to be able to better assist people.
It keeps me a little distant, shallow and insecure, unconscious because I’m out of touch with my own deep feelings.
Tara, you’re always such a bright ray of sunshine, showing us how to nurture to our hearts and souls.
The question you ask is tricky for me – I don’t think I hide anything, as I feel that I’m pretty well invisible, transparent, a ghost. Sure, people see my physical form, but I sense they see nothing of interest there, just wispy clouds.
I am partly responsible for this, as I always turn the conversations back to the other person – it’s like a build a wall to hide the wispy cloud. I will always know everything about a new person, they will barely know my name. Hum… Why do I do that? Good question Tara!
So clearly and compassionately expressed. Thank you!
Thank you Tara for sharing so generously with the world 🙏 I can see patterns of this in my own family & clients I work with. Experientially, I found practicing self awareness & acceptance techniques the key to healthier relating with others.
Most sentiments hide as a result of inner generational trauma based in Fear!
This is more common than not. Fear of vulnerability based on self doubt is huge. Clients push loved ones away to protect themselves from being found out as not being who they think others expect them to be. It happens to me too at times.
Deepest gratitude for your dedication to peace, self-compassion, and boundless gratitude.
In peace,
Valerie Kelly
Speech Language Pathologist
Certified Mindful Instructor
I simply withdraw to feel safe.
It creates distance, makes me feel alone and on edge. It increases my sense of unworthiness. I feel lost and unsure of who I am.
Mostly I try to hide my feelings within me, neglecting to share with someone. But one thing I usually do is when I go for my morning walk I do a lot of self talk as if someone else is walking with me. This releases a lot of stress and time to time I pause and take deep breathing. Thanks for this free video Tara!
Hiding makes me one hundred percent less available and open, more tense and suspicious of someone’s motives. If I’m criticizing myself I figure they must be thinking the same stuff and so my defensiveness takes over and I don’t pick up on nearly as much as I might were I feeling less self-critical in the moment. I act defensively and am much more prickly and judgmental than I’d be otherwise. Cue the shame and the repetitive cycle.
When I hide, my relationships are affected because the real me doesn’t show up.
Thank you so much for the free video. It definitely gave me some food for thought. I am constantly hiding sadness and pain from my childhood. This has left me in a continuous physical pain loop. Fear of others knowing my sadness does keep many relationships I have at a distance. Everyday I am working on self acceptance. Thank you.
Thanks Tara
Isolation, anger to be unacepted or refused, over control of other people end themselves that leads them to be very tired
This ‘hiding’ myself leaves me feeling isolated and disconnected. So the hiding of perceived inadequacies leaves me feeling even more inadequate. A viscous, spiraling circle. Thank you for this video, it was so on target. I look forward to more. Namaste
It leaves you defensive and reactive with no real connection or communication
Thanks for some words of wisdom and insight.
Everything you say makes so much sense, to me you are an amazing spiritual teacher and give very useful guidance for everyday life.THANK YOU
Yours in the DHARMA.
Sigrun
a German lady living in Australien who found Buddhism at the age of forty, I am now 72.
For me it was like homecoming, knowing I will always have guidance ( when I feel lost and lonely ) when I am open to it.
Mindfulness makes life worth living, thank you!!!
Thank you for sharing this information.