Alison Regan, PhD, Psychology, New Haven, CT, USAsays
They cannot feel intimacy, and they keep a strong wall against very painful feelings. Thus, they cannot give the partner what they need, as they do not give caring to themselves. The relationship becomes tense and constricted. Both end up feeling alone. Very Sad. They are isolated from life and the deeper life that connects all.
Thanks Tara, I enjoy your work and thoughts. They are simple questions with powerful answers. I can think of so many clients I need to ask these questions with but know I also need to ask them first of myself.
This is such a valuable series of lessons, I’m just sad that I have not had the time to look at them all – is there not possibility of you extending their availability?
In my experience and in all the work we do to improve ourselves, people do not always hide what they don’t like about themselves. Instead, they feel the uneasiness or the pain, but are unable to identify what is it they don’t like about themselves or where this comes from. What we are looking for is not within the conscious mind. As we know, the wounds or the ACEs which are the source of the “not good enough” belief are hidden, “forgotten”, unavailable to the thinking mind. They have been pushed away from consciousness as apart of our survival instinct, to allow us to function. Digging these causes out is where our work begins.
I’ve been excruciatingly lonely much of my life. I’ve slowly and painstakingly been gaining some healthy self esteem. It’s been a colossal struggle, and so far there seems to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel
Susan Lisagor, Other, Olympic valley , CA, USAsays
I don’t think I hide my self judgments from loved ones, which are that I lack initiative, underachieve, and generally self critical. I fall victim to busyness. It’s more a question of how these self judgments affect my life, what I accomplish and the qualities of my connections with my children and spouse. It does not seem to have as deep a negative impact on my close friendships however and for that I am grateful.
Marguerite McGuffin, Another Field, Oklahoma City, OK, USAsays
Relationships become superficial and not very meaningful when I hide myself. Eventually I sense a need to “move on” to the next relationship, project or job. Disingenuous. I’ve burned bridges and crushed friendships because I assumed they thought I am as unworthy as I see myself.
I’ve enjoyed Tara Brach for many years now and find her approach and verbiage easy to hear and use. It is nice to be back involved with nicabm! Thank you Ruth for all yo do in bringing this group of amazing folks to us!
My clients tell me they feel insecure and worry that they are not really liked or loved for themselves, that they feel they are are not enough and so do not really fit in anywhere.
I feel so out of my comfort zone/exposed when I try to express my vulnerability that I won’t allow anyone to get close to me. I won’t allow myself to have close relationships. Trust is a big issue, not only with others but with myself.
I continue to look to Tara’s knowledge and wisdom from following her many talks, meditations, teachings to use in my own practice when working to support a multidisciplinary team who work with young people, their families and their complex lives.
These practices keep me open hearted and grounded in the face of what is evoked by this work. I am so thankful to have found Tara Brach.
I recently started listening to Tara Brach and have been working hard to let myself be vulnerable and put down my guard. Her words through meditation have brought an inner peace and I long to continue this mindfulness practice in my life. I feel that for to long I have put up facade so others can continue to believe that I can take on anything but the truth is I can’t. I want to be free from judgment from myself and others (codependent relationship with mom). Thank you Tara for giving us the tools to for our well being.
I find that the things I don’t like about myself — the self-absorption, the using of other people, my impulsiveness, and so on — are hidden from colleagues and more casual acquaintances. But the closer you get to me, the more those things come out and hurt you. I spend so much energy concealing these shadows from others that when I am comfortable with someone I can’t these bad traits.
Difficult for them to build up a strong / healthy relationship
Feeling insecure / not good enough all the time, leading to low self esteem, difficult for decision making, or for taking challenges or changes in life.
When I hide my distaste or displeasure about myself I am closing off being vulnerable with another person. This shows up in a lack of trust with others I am close to; family and friends. This also closes the gate to love and abundance in personal as well as work or business relationships.
I work with teenage clients and am beginning to work with their parents and them together. What I have discovered is that I have to help the parent create a place of acceptance for where the teenager experiencing difficulty is right now. Often, the parents are trying to help by giving lots of constructive criticism. While this is rooted in love, it has a bad impact on the client’s self worth. I am just beginning to learn how to negotiate these delicate conversations. Your work is foundational in this whole area. Recognizing, with the parent and child together, that what is behind the critical statements is a concern based in love really helps.
Thanks.
I think with my own fluidity and uncertainty with “female” i create distance to others. Hide in clothes and food. Create illusion of difference.
Thank you, Tara, for this video and your insight into the root of many relationship difficulties. I wish your insight would help to fix all relationships. For example, what about the case of an unfaithful husband whose spouse has awakened to his mistreatment of her and no longer feels inadequate and blames him? Do you have any thoughts on how your insight could help that type of relationship?
I’m finding these videos at a very needed time. Being sick at home with Covid has triggered such a deep sense of unworthiness and lack of personal foundation. These a great reminders to notice these thoughts, and let them move through me and remember my innate goodness.
Thank you for your skillful questions with your wish to help to shine a light on these very personal and hidden psychological aspects of our conditioned experience.
Hiding from my vulnerabilities has led me to feelings of isolation, hopelessness and a distancing from my basic goodness and that of others.
The above question is a bit confusing for me :“When you hide what they don’t like about yourself….”
In the relative conditioned world of relationships it seems to me that I tend to project what I don’t like about myself onto “the other”. There are assumptions in my mind that I am unaware of and “reactive mind” flairs up leading to further confusion, isolation, fear and anxiety.This is particularly true with family members although I notice this to a more subtle degree moment to moment in my relation with myself.
When I am distracted with my “to do list”, dropping my mindfulness practice, all introspection seems to vanish and it is Groundhog Day all over again.
I am not even comfortable leaving a comment in the off chance someone I know will see it. I’m aware that this in itself speaks volumes. I have control issues stemming from fear & unworthiness. I have much work to do 😔.
Denying-inhibiting my own true self has only made me question myself more negatively. Maintains the facade of ‘all is good’ sets the bar closer to unachievable inner peace. Who am I? becomes the overwhelming practice & action. Always redirecting conversations to the other, allows me to avoid my own truth; ultimately initially at my own expense- yet also denying trust that others will hear, listen, learn of who I truly and what I truly want/need for myself & & my life I want to be as happy & genuine as the ideal i present to others. Blah blah…
stephanie hanger, Marriage/Family Therapy, los angeles, CA, USAsays
it creates a feeling of tension between clients when one is holding back a fear… and the tension becomes a dominant experience between clients that can trigger their internal threat systems… keeping one or both of them at an elevated hyper arousal place… making it difficult to settle and be at ease with themselves and therefore limiting their capabilities of being at ease with others.
Keeps you stuck in yourself, which prevents you from getting close to other people including family and friends and prevents new people from coming in to your life as starters. Instead of discovering who you really are, you cloak yourself in a deceitful guise that you, yourself, are not even aware exists. So, you continue on in this heavy burdensome way with your life year after year. You keep shutting life out, instead of in. And then, discover (thank you for this video), that it doesn’t have to be. It never had to be! By just observing your own thoughts, mindfully feeling what you are feeling, acknowledging that feeling and discovering where it is in your body, then naming it; I feel I can begin the journey of letting go that which no longer serves me; and to stop being so unkind and judgmental about myself. Then, just love yourself. Enjoyed the palm to heart exercise, makes me feel worthy, I can really feel the goodness managing to move through my body in a beautiful way. Thank you for this reach out. It is being well received by me, very timely and in much need.
Very useful, it seems simple – even if it could take time to really getting into this process – so it already open a door to caring about ourselves. Forgiving, not being ashamed all the time, being less judgemental. Listening to these videos helps me to understand how deep is the power of mindfulness.
Thanks, Marie
It makes the relationship colder, distant, lonely. It pushes people away. You no longer feel partnership and respect. You feel shame and resentment towards each other and can’t even look each other in the eye.
Vanessa Martinez, Counseling, La Verne, CA, USAsays
This really resonates. Fear taking over in a relationship and being too scared of sharing these fearful insecurities. Fear of intimacy it seems was the biggest culprit with my and my ex boyfriend. I know we both longed to connect and grow together but it seems that fear (unworthiness) took over and we didn’t know how to communicate these underlying feelings of unworthiness. The Four horsemen that the Gottmen Inst. talks about crept in!
When my shameful feelings about myself get triggered I travel back in time to the triggering event. I am no longer in the present. No longer connected to the love and beauty that makes up my life now.
I am not hiding what I think of my sister & brother. I told them what I feel about them honestly yet kindly. Now they don’t want to be in touch with me
I feel unsafe and vulnerable in the world with others because I have a chronic illness. Living in this pandemic has constantly challenged me with this. Instead of sharing my fears and my experience I often shut down and pushed people away. Treating them with contempt before they even got the chance to know my struggle or show up and support me.
My core belief of not being enough and not being worthy of love is something I have been working on through mindfulness and therapy…it can be a deep and painful suffering which I think contributes to times of anxiety and depression…I think my relationships are affected by me withdrawing from others and not expressing how I feel
I have lost individuals that I love dearly. They were the people that were supposed to love me unconditionally soI can’t help but to feel I must be flawed. So in relationships with others that aren’t even that close I only present what I think is as perfect as possible. If I am not perfect why would they stick around when the closest people in the world to me have left?
They cannot feel intimacy, and they keep a strong wall against very painful feelings. Thus, they cannot give the partner what they need, as they do not give caring to themselves. The relationship becomes tense and constricted. Both end up feeling alone. Very Sad. They are isolated from life and the deeper life that connects all.
Thanks Tara, I enjoy your work and thoughts. They are simple questions with powerful answers. I can think of so many clients I need to ask these questions with but know I also need to ask them first of myself.
What a good insight! Something I hadn’t thought of before.
I. B.
This is such a valuable series of lessons, I’m just sad that I have not had the time to look at them all – is there not possibility of you extending their availability?
In my experience and in all the work we do to improve ourselves, people do not always hide what they don’t like about themselves. Instead, they feel the uneasiness or the pain, but are unable to identify what is it they don’t like about themselves or where this comes from. What we are looking for is not within the conscious mind. As we know, the wounds or the ACEs which are the source of the “not good enough” belief are hidden, “forgotten”, unavailable to the thinking mind. They have been pushed away from consciousness as apart of our survival instinct, to allow us to function. Digging these causes out is where our work begins.
I’ve been excruciatingly lonely much of my life. I’ve slowly and painstakingly been gaining some healthy self esteem. It’s been a colossal struggle, and so far there seems to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel
I don’t think I hide my self judgments from loved ones, which are that I lack initiative, underachieve, and generally self critical. I fall victim to busyness. It’s more a question of how these self judgments affect my life, what I accomplish and the qualities of my connections with my children and spouse. It does not seem to have as deep a negative impact on my close friendships however and for that I am grateful.
Relationships become superficial and not very meaningful when I hide myself. Eventually I sense a need to “move on” to the next relationship, project or job. Disingenuous. I’ve burned bridges and crushed friendships because I assumed they thought I am as unworthy as I see myself.
I’ve enjoyed Tara Brach for many years now and find her approach and verbiage easy to hear and use. It is nice to be back involved with nicabm! Thank you Ruth for all yo do in bringing this group of amazing folks to us!
My clients tell me they feel insecure and worry that they are not really liked or loved for themselves, that they feel they are are not enough and so do not really fit in anywhere.
I feel so out of my comfort zone/exposed when I try to express my vulnerability that I won’t allow anyone to get close to me. I won’t allow myself to have close relationships. Trust is a big issue, not only with others but with myself.
Clients learn to hide more aspects of themselves and it becomes easier to be fake or disingenuous.
I continue to look to Tara’s knowledge and wisdom from following her many talks, meditations, teachings to use in my own practice when working to support a multidisciplinary team who work with young people, their families and their complex lives.
These practices keep me open hearted and grounded in the face of what is evoked by this work. I am so thankful to have found Tara Brach.
I recently started listening to Tara Brach and have been working hard to let myself be vulnerable and put down my guard. Her words through meditation have brought an inner peace and I long to continue this mindfulness practice in my life. I feel that for to long I have put up facade so others can continue to believe that I can take on anything but the truth is I can’t. I want to be free from judgment from myself and others (codependent relationship with mom). Thank you Tara for giving us the tools to for our well being.
I find that the things I don’t like about myself — the self-absorption, the using of other people, my impulsiveness, and so on — are hidden from colleagues and more casual acquaintances. But the closer you get to me, the more those things come out and hurt you. I spend so much energy concealing these shadows from others that when I am comfortable with someone I can’t these bad traits.
Difficult for them to build up a strong / healthy relationship
Feeling insecure / not good enough all the time, leading to low self esteem, difficult for decision making, or for taking challenges or changes in life.
Thank you, very clear and helpful. so much of ‘not enough’ and lack of self acceptance seems the norm.
When I hide my distaste or displeasure about myself I am closing off being vulnerable with another person. This shows up in a lack of trust with others I am close to; family and friends. This also closes the gate to love and abundance in personal as well as work or business relationships.
I felt sad that I missed out on deep connection with
my late husband inspire him being a nice person.
I work with teenage clients and am beginning to work with their parents and them together. What I have discovered is that I have to help the parent create a place of acceptance for where the teenager experiencing difficulty is right now. Often, the parents are trying to help by giving lots of constructive criticism. While this is rooted in love, it has a bad impact on the client’s self worth. I am just beginning to learn how to negotiate these delicate conversations. Your work is foundational in this whole area. Recognizing, with the parent and child together, that what is behind the critical statements is a concern based in love really helps.
Thanks.
I think with my own fluidity and uncertainty with “female” i create distance to others. Hide in clothes and food. Create illusion of difference.
Thank you, Tara, for this video and your insight into the root of many relationship difficulties. I wish your insight would help to fix all relationships. For example, what about the case of an unfaithful husband whose spouse has awakened to his mistreatment of her and no longer feels inadequate and blames him? Do you have any thoughts on how your insight could help that type of relationship?
I’m finding these videos at a very needed time. Being sick at home with Covid has triggered such a deep sense of unworthiness and lack of personal foundation. These a great reminders to notice these thoughts, and let them move through me and remember my innate goodness.
I don’t if the person I am behind the mask will get the same reaction from others as I do with the mask on.
Thank you for your skillful questions with your wish to help to shine a light on these very personal and hidden psychological aspects of our conditioned experience.
Hiding from my vulnerabilities has led me to feelings of isolation, hopelessness and a distancing from my basic goodness and that of others.
The above question is a bit confusing for me :“When you hide what they don’t like about yourself….”
In the relative conditioned world of relationships it seems to me that I tend to project what I don’t like about myself onto “the other”. There are assumptions in my mind that I am unaware of and “reactive mind” flairs up leading to further confusion, isolation, fear and anxiety.This is particularly true with family members although I notice this to a more subtle degree moment to moment in my relation with myself.
When I am distracted with my “to do list”, dropping my mindfulness practice, all introspection seems to vanish and it is Groundhog Day all over again.
I am not even comfortable leaving a comment in the off chance someone I know will see it. I’m aware that this in itself speaks volumes. I have control issues stemming from fear & unworthiness. I have much work to do 😔.
Denying-inhibiting my own true self has only made me question myself more negatively. Maintains the facade of ‘all is good’ sets the bar closer to unachievable inner peace. Who am I? becomes the overwhelming practice & action. Always redirecting conversations to the other, allows me to avoid my own truth; ultimately initially at my own expense- yet also denying trust that others will hear, listen, learn of who I truly and what I truly want/need for myself & & my life I want to be as happy & genuine as the ideal i present to others. Blah blah…
very thought provoking … and it all makes sense. you cant give what you dont have.
it creates a feeling of tension between clients when one is holding back a fear… and the tension becomes a dominant experience between clients that can trigger their internal threat systems… keeping one or both of them at an elevated hyper arousal place… making it difficult to settle and be at ease with themselves and therefore limiting their capabilities of being at ease with others.
Keeps you stuck in yourself, which prevents you from getting close to other people including family and friends and prevents new people from coming in to your life as starters. Instead of discovering who you really are, you cloak yourself in a deceitful guise that you, yourself, are not even aware exists. So, you continue on in this heavy burdensome way with your life year after year. You keep shutting life out, instead of in. And then, discover (thank you for this video), that it doesn’t have to be. It never had to be! By just observing your own thoughts, mindfully feeling what you are feeling, acknowledging that feeling and discovering where it is in your body, then naming it; I feel I can begin the journey of letting go that which no longer serves me; and to stop being so unkind and judgmental about myself. Then, just love yourself. Enjoyed the palm to heart exercise, makes me feel worthy, I can really feel the goodness managing to move through my body in a beautiful way. Thank you for this reach out. It is being well received by me, very timely and in much need.
Very useful, it seems simple – even if it could take time to really getting into this process – so it already open a door to caring about ourselves. Forgiving, not being ashamed all the time, being less judgemental. Listening to these videos helps me to understand how deep is the power of mindfulness.
Thanks, Marie
It makes the relationship colder, distant, lonely. It pushes people away. You no longer feel partnership and respect. You feel shame and resentment towards each other and can’t even look each other in the eye.
This really resonates. Fear taking over in a relationship and being too scared of sharing these fearful insecurities. Fear of intimacy it seems was the biggest culprit with my and my ex boyfriend. I know we both longed to connect and grow together but it seems that fear (unworthiness) took over and we didn’t know how to communicate these underlying feelings of unworthiness. The Four horsemen that the Gottmen Inst. talks about crept in!
Hi Ruth et al:
I am traveling and would like to download to listen later. Is there a way to do that?
Thank you so much! 🙏
Vera Gilpin
I’m going to have my 7th grader, who is adopted, watch the self-acceptance video when she gets home from school today.
Thank you!
It creates a guarded distance- perplexing for both parties.
When my shameful feelings about myself get triggered I travel back in time to the triggering event. I am no longer in the present. No longer connected to the love and beauty that makes up my life now.
very helpful material
I am not hiding what I think of my sister & brother. I told them what I feel about them honestly yet kindly. Now they don’t want to be in touch with me
I don’t have close relationships with others. I have acquaintances that don’t really know me—even my husband doesn’t really know me.
Lack of connection, intimacy, authenticity.
I feel unsafe and vulnerable in the world with others because I have a chronic illness. Living in this pandemic has constantly challenged me with this. Instead of sharing my fears and my experience I often shut down and pushed people away. Treating them with contempt before they even got the chance to know my struggle or show up and support me.
My core belief of not being enough and not being worthy of love is something I have been working on through mindfulness and therapy…it can be a deep and painful suffering which I think contributes to times of anxiety and depression…I think my relationships are affected by me withdrawing from others and not expressing how I feel
I have lost individuals that I love dearly. They were the people that were supposed to love me unconditionally soI can’t help but to feel I must be flawed. So in relationships with others that aren’t even that close I only present what I think is as perfect as possible. If I am not perfect why would they stick around when the closest people in the world to me have left?
Loved this insight and the next 3. Wrote notes to remember for myself and potential future clients.
Well, as Tara says, I criticize them – instead of facingaccepting? what I think are my inadequacies or difficulties
Makes them not like other(s) too
Denial leaves a big boulder in the path between you and the other(s) you love, and compels everyone to walk around it.
I get angry when I go into self-judgment and self hatred. Then, I take that anger out on my close ones.
That loss of authenticity can foster regret, resentment and a lack of intimacy