As my emotions came to the surface, as my hand was on my heart I started telling myself I am loved. Weeping and comforting myself at the same time.
It must be my survival instinct coming up.
I knew the technique of noting, however, I never realized that it was not just a trick, but that it had some deeper meaning. In your lecture today it made me think about the fairy tale of rumpelstiltskin. This horrible smaal homunculus that is trying to get you to stay busy, do a lot of things because you don’t want bad things to happen, eventually to soothe him. He comes in between the most intimate relation between the girl and the prince. But once you know his name, once you are able to name that unnameable, he is stamping his feet and tears himzelf appart. And they lived happily ever after.
I began doing something similar in 1974
I’ve done various styles of this which is now termed mindfulness. I’m glad you’re helping people learn to do this.
I’d like to suggest self hypnosis and writing etc for trauma as well I’ve employed many types of self help over the years with amazing results ranging from self actualization to healing long term events, to learning how to keep myself on cloud 9 everyday.
There’s huge potential around these practices and noticing.
A feeling of connectedness…of being at ease…at home with myself…like being with a pleasant easy to be with friend…a comforting inner peace..a place of neutrality..of all is well. Thankyou. Namaste. ?
I will pass this on to so many of my clients…thank you very much Tara.
I found I smiled at the tender self touch. Always a kind thing to pause and tenderly say Hi to self.
This was excellent and SO helpful. I can use this in so many ways to help myself and others, especially in this time when we are all so afraid and full of grief. I’ve already done as she suggested with a gesture of kindness for me! I can already feel my body relaxing. THANK YOU!!
I heard my name as if it was the first time someone had seen me and I realized how special I really am. I heard about your work for years so I would like to follow you more. I will offer this video to clients and in my work with clients offer the ideas you just offered. I recently took a “Havening” training so I will incorporate this with that work. Thank you so much.
As I held my hand over my heart, I felt my breath slow and the tension in my shoulders lighten. I realized how much of my staying and being busy supports not noticing that I am stressed, not noticing the thoughts I carry with me through “the busy” exacerbating my fear that I am not valuable or enough.
I found myself sigh a deep belly sigh of relief. My shoulder tension decreased slightly along with a warmth in that area. It caused me to want to move my head which gave me more awareness of muscular tightness but as I turned my head from side to side while doing this the focus of my thoughts dropped from judgements to calmer somatic sensations.
I felt sad for the young child who had to go to boarding school (the only option for my parents). I’ve recently learned that I am probably suffering from boarding school syndrome, so this exercise was useful. Thanks for all you do Tara.
Thank you so much. I came in touch with my belief that I am a failure as a mother and how this thought is constricting my relationship with my children and husband.
I cried.
I said, “Ouch. This hurts. This is suffering.”
I’ve been in therapy for 33 years. Although there were times I wanted to give up on life, I keep trying. I am starting to understand the emotion of shame and the gift of self-compassion.
Keeping my brain healthy and balanced is expensive. That is why I take every opportunity to learn online when I can. There has been a lot of free talks during the pandemic, for which I am grateful.
I’m looking forward to the third video.
When I placed my hand on my heart and offered myself words of compassion I could feel the the muscles loosen in my neck and shoulders. It makes me realize how I keep my body tense as if waiting to fight off an attack, and how much energy it must take to keep my body braced for impact.
Struggling intensely with a past 3 decade old thing I did. I remember struggling with feelings of unworthiness from a little girl and had depression as a teenager, ongoing throughout my life. The consequences of this decision caused intense guilt, remorse and regret at that time, it has resurfaced with a vengeance.. Continued for years. Went on antidepressants and some therapy for some years. I managed to cope by basically stuffing down the guilt and being extremely busy.
Now at 63, huge changes occurring due to financial issues. We are in process of renovating home which my daughter and son in law are paying for. It’s like everything is out of control and I am having to let go of it all.
Started meds and therapy a month ago..
Loved your share on self kindness.
I know i need to practice your steps constantly. Its just so intense now with all the unknowns, looming changes, fears. So hard to unravel whats going on in my head. Some days, my intense anxious feelings and feelings of sadness and hopelessness are excruciating. I did what you said and felt a momentary sense of peace. I trust in God. Its just this journey of my life that is so very painful most days. I simply must learn to love who I am! Mistakes, struggles, fears, stupid decisions and all. I know in my head that I am loved. My emotions are often in turmoil..
Thank you Tara. Your wisdom and passion to help others is very evident.
It’s good to watch the video more than once… There’s so much there – perhaps more than in the words… Something deep. During the gesture of kindness I found myself moving through the chakra centers to bring healing to old injuries?
I have collected nativity scenes for years! I didn’t understand why until recently! My soul was reaching out to me to awaken or birth the Christ consciousness within me! Now when I’m find observe those self degrading thoughts I think it’s time to rest in the crèche and care for yourself like a child☮️❤️
There was a softening inside of me as I sent myself the message. I love this reminder and I am always looking for ways to help my clients (and myself!) remember to practice self compassion. Thank you, Tara.
Tara, I began watching your videos and practicing the attend and befriend a few years ago. This simple but honest practice has completely transformed the way I relate to myself. It is almost automatic now that I do this practice. For others, at first it might feel fake, might feel inauthentic, might even come up that the inner critic is really putting us down for showing up for ourselves this way, but keeping with it, attending and gently befriending even to that inner critic, is an act of transforming self love. Also, in all your video talks (mostly found on Youtube), what I most appreciate is your gentle self exposure and tenderness. I’ve thought, many times, when I’m struggling, “Tara struggles with this too” which leads me to ease up on myself and recognize our shared humanity and practice. I so deeply appreciate the work you’ve done and how your willingness to share that with us creates a nuturing and very tender way of relating to ourselves. And the encouragement is, stay with it.. stay with yourself, even when its really difficult..
Deep deep gratitude.
While I felt the love, my thoughts started drifting out of the experience. It’s like ADDT, probably like Tara said, I’m strongly wired to return to the old thoughts.
It is a lovely and greatly descriptive video of your work which shows integration of so many layers of professional practice, sensorial, reflective, etc. Thank you for sharing. Pausing to remind ourselves as professionals to deepen our connection with the feelings in our body opens us an oasis. Thanks for your kind reminder today! The kind gesture brought a sense of calm to me which I massively enjoyed! Maria S.G. , clinical psychologist, UK.
Feeling warm and feel my body become more soft during the gesture of kindness practice. would share this practice with clients. Since some of my clients can’t understand english, I could share with them in Chinese.
I loved it and it really helped me to connect the work I do with clients with other ways of working such as using worksheets to recognise thoughts in CBT and self-care in DBT and lovingkindness meditation.
Thank you.
Many of us who have suffered from debilitating self-judgement and criticism have resorted to addictive behaviors to soothe the pain caused by such negative self regard and the real life consequences generated therein. I think it is important to mention that these addictive behaviors need to be stopped before one can truly practice the steps here. In the third step, the place of action, I think there is much value in concrete acts of self nurturing: taking a walk in nature, learning to play a musical instrument, going camping ect. Such action is a strong affirmation of self-worth and reinforces the practice of transformation.
My hand over my heart turned into a self hug and it felt good. Despite working through mindful self-compassion with Neff and Germer and doing an 8 week intensive I still have forgotten self-compassion in all the stress lately in life and the world. Thanks for the reminder Tara.
Grief for the self I abused for decades – I tried to die so many times all because I felt like I had let down my family from day one (I succeeded in killing myself three times over three decades – each time my mother miraculously materialized and got me the medical care I needed – the shame was overwhelming). I was so attached to my mother as a child, and everything I did seemed to be faulted as exactly what I “shouldn’t” do/feel/think/say. By the time I was six, I was actively fighting my mother at every turn – now I’m forty five and she’s living with me and my family and she’s fragile at 83 – and I’m just starting to reconcile deep pain from our relationship – at the vey end of her life. I’m grateful that I have taken these steps now instead of waiting even longer – but the grief over how much I have hated and abused myself (and thus my mother) for forty years seems insurmountable sometimes. It was so hard to express to my mother that my horrible behavior and my combativeness toward her, my insistence on self-abuse all those years were in fact borne of guilt – I believed everything she said about me when I was a child and the shame was profound but she had no idea because my exterior was prickly and poisonous. I carried that shame through life with me – until I had my son and the shame and feelings of inadequacy made me a very impatient, frustrated and not-present mom. Now I’m struggling to stitch up the wounds and heal both myself and the relationship with my mother so that I don’t cause the same damage with my son. It is excruciating and exquisite, the process of healing and connecting. But I am so grateful to Tara for all the support I’ve received from her direction this past year. I may heal yet.
I love the groundedness that Tara brings out in me! Her honesty and kindness and skill to pin point the essence of human relationships are an inspiration to me.
Thank you Tara!
Adela Gorodzinsky from London, ON, Canada.
Placing my hand over my heart and trying to find a gesture of kindness or ‘a thought of compassion’ to myself……. I could not think of Anything to say… nothing. I freaked out for a couple of minutes and then just started crying. I did not ‘get a little tearful’ I absolutely started crying. One word came to mind – SHAME.
I realize that that word is like an earthquake inside me. I feel total shame and then continuous tremors of it.
I don’t know why THAT word makes me crumble. I don’t know how to ‘accept’ shame when I don’t know why its there; I can’t tend to it or befriend it because it destroys me. A heap of rubble is just that… a heap of rubble. And, now I am left crying for no reason.
Hello Tara,
my name is Ella, I am from Israel.
First, I take this opportunity to thank you, I listen to your lessons and I am full of admiration for the combination you make between knowledge, practice and humor. Thank you!!!
Regarding the video, I have been practicing this message of paying attention to judgment and self-acceptance for quite some time. It never ends , a journey of a lifetime. Still experiencing frustration in the marital relationship mostly.
Because my partner (who has got through some health trauma in the last decade which in some way Affected cognitive and emotional functioning) does not connect to this world of observing thoughts and feelings, his self-esteem is very damaged, I know he is very judgmental about himself and despite his silence, on me too. it blocks him from intimacy communication and makes it difficult for me to communicate with him. Over time the interaction between us diminishes, each of us lives in his own world. Both of us in our 60s and 40 years in a relationship. I’m sure mindfulness would have helped him but it’s his choice. The question is what do I have in hand? Thank you
Peace, a feeling letting go blended with feeling lighter than before….to begin with. Very helpful.i will try with my clients. I am sure they will be feeling better too. Their attitude towards themselves will change. They will be able to make deeper connections with self and with partners
Thank you Tara. I’ve been so mean to myself for so long. I am in tears at your words and I’m holding my heart and loving myself. I feel awoken. How can I feel for others when I don’t feel for myself. My self thanks you whole heartedly. It’s going to take some constant work .. but I believe I can make this happen. Love to all xxxx
As my emotions came to the surface, as my hand was on my heart I started telling myself I am loved. Weeping and comforting myself at the same time.
It must be my survival instinct coming up.
I knew the technique of noting, however, I never realized that it was not just a trick, but that it had some deeper meaning. In your lecture today it made me think about the fairy tale of rumpelstiltskin. This horrible smaal homunculus that is trying to get you to stay busy, do a lot of things because you don’t want bad things to happen, eventually to soothe him. He comes in between the most intimate relation between the girl and the prince. But once you know his name, once you are able to name that unnameable, he is stamping his feet and tears himzelf appart. And they lived happily ever after.
I began doing something similar in 1974
I’ve done various styles of this which is now termed mindfulness. I’m glad you’re helping people learn to do this.
I’d like to suggest self hypnosis and writing etc for trauma as well I’ve employed many types of self help over the years with amazing results ranging from self actualization to healing long term events, to learning how to keep myself on cloud 9 everyday.
There’s huge potential around these practices and noticing.
Awareness of how I am blaming myself for having a painful shoulder issue right now,
I felt peaceful, calm and content.
A feeling of connectedness…of being at ease…at home with myself…like being with a pleasant easy to be with friend…a comforting inner peace..a place of neutrality..of all is well. Thankyou. Namaste. ?
I will pass this on to so many of my clients…thank you very much Tara.
I found I smiled at the tender self touch. Always a kind thing to pause and tenderly say Hi to self.
Thank you so much for your videos and your wonderful way of explaining things, dear Tara.
I realize how afraid I am of losing my memory. And of climate change, civil war, etc.
As always, the second viewing yielded greater depth. Thank you Tara & all involved.
– Greg DeGuglielmo
This was excellent and SO helpful. I can use this in so many ways to help myself and others, especially in this time when we are all so afraid and full of grief. I’ve already done as she suggested with a gesture of kindness for me! I can already feel my body relaxing. THANK YOU!!
I heard my name as if it was the first time someone had seen me and I realized how special I really am. I heard about your work for years so I would like to follow you more. I will offer this video to clients and in my work with clients offer the ideas you just offered. I recently took a “Havening” training so I will incorporate this with that work. Thank you so much.
As I held my hand over my heart, I felt my breath slow and the tension in my shoulders lighten. I realized how much of my staying and being busy supports not noticing that I am stressed, not noticing the thoughts I carry with me through “the busy” exacerbating my fear that I am not valuable or enough.
I found myself sigh a deep belly sigh of relief. My shoulder tension decreased slightly along with a warmth in that area. It caused me to want to move my head which gave me more awareness of muscular tightness but as I turned my head from side to side while doing this the focus of my thoughts dropped from judgements to calmer somatic sensations.
I felt sad for the young child who had to go to boarding school (the only option for my parents). I’ve recently learned that I am probably suffering from boarding school syndrome, so this exercise was useful. Thanks for all you do Tara.
I felt the ocean waves in my heart as joy, warmth and expansion.
Thank you so much. I came in touch with my belief that I am a failure as a mother and how this thought is constricting my relationship with my children and husband.
I cried.
I said, “Ouch. This hurts. This is suffering.”
I’ve been in therapy for 33 years. Although there were times I wanted to give up on life, I keep trying. I am starting to understand the emotion of shame and the gift of self-compassion.
Keeping my brain healthy and balanced is expensive. That is why I take every opportunity to learn online when I can. There has been a lot of free talks during the pandemic, for which I am grateful.
I’m looking forward to the third video.
When I placed my hand on my heart and offered myself words of compassion I could feel the the muscles loosen in my neck and shoulders. It makes me realize how I keep my body tense as if waiting to fight off an attack, and how much energy it must take to keep my body braced for impact.
Feelings och Gratitude and worthiness… Thanks again Tara! Kenjiro
When trying to comfort myself, I see a much younger, innocent picture of myself. I’ll keep trying. Thanks, Tara. Peace to you.
Struggling intensely with a past 3 decade old thing I did. I remember struggling with feelings of unworthiness from a little girl and had depression as a teenager, ongoing throughout my life. The consequences of this decision caused intense guilt, remorse and regret at that time, it has resurfaced with a vengeance.. Continued for years. Went on antidepressants and some therapy for some years. I managed to cope by basically stuffing down the guilt and being extremely busy.
Now at 63, huge changes occurring due to financial issues. We are in process of renovating home which my daughter and son in law are paying for. It’s like everything is out of control and I am having to let go of it all.
Started meds and therapy a month ago..
Loved your share on self kindness.
I know i need to practice your steps constantly. Its just so intense now with all the unknowns, looming changes, fears. So hard to unravel whats going on in my head. Some days, my intense anxious feelings and feelings of sadness and hopelessness are excruciating. I did what you said and felt a momentary sense of peace. I trust in God. Its just this journey of my life that is so very painful most days. I simply must learn to love who I am! Mistakes, struggles, fears, stupid decisions and all. I know in my head that I am loved. My emotions are often in turmoil..
Thank you Tara. Your wisdom and passion to help others is very evident.
It’s good to watch the video more than once… There’s so much there – perhaps more than in the words… Something deep. During the gesture of kindness I found myself moving through the chakra centers to bring healing to old injuries?
I felt inner peace
Good morning!
I have collected nativity scenes for years! I didn’t understand why until recently! My soul was reaching out to me to awaken or birth the Christ consciousness within me! Now when I’m find observe those self degrading thoughts I think it’s time to rest in the crèche and care for yourself like a child☮️❤️
There was a softening inside of me as I sent myself the message. I love this reminder and I am always looking for ways to help my clients (and myself!) remember to practice self compassion. Thank you, Tara.
This gesture calmed me and brought me to the present moment, out of my head and feeling that I’m doing the best I can right now and it’s ok.
Tara, I began watching your videos and practicing the attend and befriend a few years ago. This simple but honest practice has completely transformed the way I relate to myself. It is almost automatic now that I do this practice. For others, at first it might feel fake, might feel inauthentic, might even come up that the inner critic is really putting us down for showing up for ourselves this way, but keeping with it, attending and gently befriending even to that inner critic, is an act of transforming self love. Also, in all your video talks (mostly found on Youtube), what I most appreciate is your gentle self exposure and tenderness. I’ve thought, many times, when I’m struggling, “Tara struggles with this too” which leads me to ease up on myself and recognize our shared humanity and practice. I so deeply appreciate the work you’ve done and how your willingness to share that with us creates a nuturing and very tender way of relating to ourselves. And the encouragement is, stay with it.. stay with yourself, even when its really difficult..
Deep deep gratitude.
I just smile and cry
This gesture brought me a sense or warm and security
Thanks
While I felt the love, my thoughts started drifting out of the experience. It’s like ADDT, probably like Tara said, I’m strongly wired to return to the old thoughts.
It is a lovely and greatly descriptive video of your work which shows integration of so many layers of professional practice, sensorial, reflective, etc. Thank you for sharing. Pausing to remind ourselves as professionals to deepen our connection with the feelings in our body opens us an oasis. Thanks for your kind reminder today! The kind gesture brought a sense of calm to me which I massively enjoyed! Maria S.G. , clinical psychologist, UK.
It’s too fresh to comment
Dear Tara Brach,
Feeling warm and feel my body become more soft during the gesture of kindness practice. would share this practice with clients. Since some of my clients can’t understand english, I could share with them in Chinese.
grateful for your wonderful presence, you smile,
breathe and smile,
Helen
You offer such wonderful little snippets. Thank-you!!!
Deep cosmic sorrow.
Restfulness and acceptance of sorrow.
Freedom of tears.
I loved it and it really helped me to connect the work I do with clients with other ways of working such as using worksheets to recognise thoughts in CBT and self-care in DBT and lovingkindness meditation.
Thank you.
Profound thoughts and practices that really work. Feelings that came up with the exercise were tenderness and grief, tears.
Many of us who have suffered from debilitating self-judgement and criticism have resorted to addictive behaviors to soothe the pain caused by such negative self regard and the real life consequences generated therein. I think it is important to mention that these addictive behaviors need to be stopped before one can truly practice the steps here. In the third step, the place of action, I think there is much value in concrete acts of self nurturing: taking a walk in nature, learning to play a musical instrument, going camping ect. Such action is a strong affirmation of self-worth and reinforces the practice of transformation.
Thank you – very helpful. Obsessive thoughts are my problem. Part of me wants to let them go but part holds on to them.
My hand over my heart turned into a self hug and it felt good. Despite working through mindful self-compassion with Neff and Germer and doing an 8 week intensive I still have forgotten self-compassion in all the stress lately in life and the world. Thanks for the reminder Tara.
Opening to the kindness offers a tenderness & strength.
Sadness but also slight relief.
Grief for the self I abused for decades – I tried to die so many times all because I felt like I had let down my family from day one (I succeeded in killing myself three times over three decades – each time my mother miraculously materialized and got me the medical care I needed – the shame was overwhelming). I was so attached to my mother as a child, and everything I did seemed to be faulted as exactly what I “shouldn’t” do/feel/think/say. By the time I was six, I was actively fighting my mother at every turn – now I’m forty five and she’s living with me and my family and she’s fragile at 83 – and I’m just starting to reconcile deep pain from our relationship – at the vey end of her life. I’m grateful that I have taken these steps now instead of waiting even longer – but the grief over how much I have hated and abused myself (and thus my mother) for forty years seems insurmountable sometimes. It was so hard to express to my mother that my horrible behavior and my combativeness toward her, my insistence on self-abuse all those years were in fact borne of guilt – I believed everything she said about me when I was a child and the shame was profound but she had no idea because my exterior was prickly and poisonous. I carried that shame through life with me – until I had my son and the shame and feelings of inadequacy made me a very impatient, frustrated and not-present mom. Now I’m struggling to stitch up the wounds and heal both myself and the relationship with my mother so that I don’t cause the same damage with my son. It is excruciating and exquisite, the process of healing and connecting. But I am so grateful to Tara for all the support I’ve received from her direction this past year. I may heal yet.
I love the groundedness that Tara brings out in me! Her honesty and kindness and skill to pin point the essence of human relationships are an inspiration to me.
Thank you Tara!
Adela Gorodzinsky from London, ON, Canada.
Placing my hand over my heart and trying to find a gesture of kindness or ‘a thought of compassion’ to myself……. I could not think of Anything to say… nothing. I freaked out for a couple of minutes and then just started crying. I did not ‘get a little tearful’ I absolutely started crying. One word came to mind – SHAME.
I realize that that word is like an earthquake inside me. I feel total shame and then continuous tremors of it.
I don’t know why THAT word makes me crumble. I don’t know how to ‘accept’ shame when I don’t know why its there; I can’t tend to it or befriend it because it destroys me. A heap of rubble is just that… a heap of rubble. And, now I am left crying for no reason.
I cannot do that sending myself something good I just cant do it it feels false.
Hello Tara,
my name is Ella, I am from Israel.
First, I take this opportunity to thank you, I listen to your lessons and I am full of admiration for the combination you make between knowledge, practice and humor. Thank you!!!
Regarding the video, I have been practicing this message of paying attention to judgment and self-acceptance for quite some time. It never ends , a journey of a lifetime. Still experiencing frustration in the marital relationship mostly.
Because my partner (who has got through some health trauma in the last decade which in some way Affected cognitive and emotional functioning) does not connect to this world of observing thoughts and feelings, his self-esteem is very damaged, I know he is very judgmental about himself and despite his silence, on me too. it blocks him from intimacy communication and makes it difficult for me to communicate with him. Over time the interaction between us diminishes, each of us lives in his own world. Both of us in our 60s and 40 years in a relationship. I’m sure mindfulness would have helped him but it’s his choice. The question is what do I have in hand? Thank you
When I placed my hand over my heart I said “I love you”. Sadness, and comfort arose almost simultaneously. Thank you, this is a powerful activity.
Peace, a feeling letting go blended with feeling lighter than before….to begin with. Very helpful.i will try with my clients. I am sure they will be feeling better too. Their attitude towards themselves will change. They will be able to make deeper connections with self and with partners
I said I love you Cathy. That was a powerful statement that moved me to tears. I felt like God was speaking it to me. It was very powerful!
Thank you Tara. I’ve been so mean to myself for so long. I am in tears at your words and I’m holding my heart and loving myself. I feel awoken. How can I feel for others when I don’t feel for myself. My self thanks you whole heartedly. It’s going to take some constant work .. but I believe I can make this happen. Love to all xxxx