I feel that by forgiving myself of harm I have caused to others open a much larger understanding of togetherness and allow me to find a kind way to relate to the person. I liked very much your videos and they give a good start in managing relationships. Thank you
Donna Martino, Counseling, Ocean Isle Beach, NC, USAsays
Letting go of guilt and shame and responding with understanding and love allows us to accept ourselves as we are and this allows us room to improve. As we let go of judging ourselves it helps us notice when we are judging others and holding them up to unrealistic expectations as well
Wow, I can see the power of this exercise. The barriers to intimacy could be seen and released. I want to practice with myself. I think it may also help with burnout or compassion fatigue therapists encounter. I would appreciate the handout.
Michelle Chaffee, Another Field, Lincoln, NE, USAsays
I think individuals are concerned that saying “It is not your fault” will reduce the amount of responsibility for actions and excuse harmful behavior; that going to “its is not my fault” will cause individuals to rationalize, mitigate, excuse, and deny their actions that causes pain to others. I wonder if it especially helpful to clarify that the purpose of the comment (and subsequent path to healing) is to help the individual release focus on guilt and dig deeper to the feelings under the actions. The feels are not our fault, the subsequent behavior is learned behavior/auto response to avoid, alleviate, or manifest the feelings…which causes the harm. The personal insight and responsibility comes when the individual feels guilt and sorrow over the actions…but insight alone does not solve the issues. The “not your fault” is a way to give permission to move past focusing on the actions and get to the underlying feelings that produce the behavior, not avoid responsibility for the behavior?
Having genuine forgiveness will clear some blocks between acting with the person client feel guilty of. In addition, when client is hurt by someone else, client can be more easier to forgive the other person. Thus, helping to reduce tensions in relationships.
I will look forward to your follow-up on this compelling video. I have followed your work again more recently, after beginning with Radical Acceptance many years ago. It was a gift to the world at that time. I am back on the path and feeling more hopeful that I can accept and heal those hurting parts “from within”.
self forgiveness would make me feel a part of life. I deserve I am worthy to receive Life’s abundant love. I would easily have and make meaningful relationships
It made me feel less guilt of how I get frustrated sometimes with my mum who has the onset of dementia. Forgiving myself and having the understanding I am grieving the loss of the strong independent role model of my life and am resisting losing her. This enables me to understand it is like the waves, peaks and troughs of times when it will be hard but then there will be good days.
Many of my students who work full time, suffer from relational trauma and chronic adversity, effecting their leadership capacity and overall occupational functioning negatively, as they re-enact the same behaviours that wounded them or engage in unhelpful avoidance behaviours to survive adversity. Self-forgiveness with mindful attention to their stories about themselves, others and their circumstances would produce for them, a greater internal stability to deal with work pressures, setting of appropriate boundaries and improve their decision making.
Very close to home. Still very painful. The relationship has dissolved. Self-forgiveness is very difficult to stain. I will be working on this for awhile.
Fighting to eliminate the rejection and shame experienced as a child has been a lifelong journey. The cruelty along with lack of acceptance has made me strong in that I know I can stand alone, make decisions to improve my life despite the memories and grow as I become more aware and accepting of my creative expressions
So close to the bone. Sam and I share much. Even to my wife being afraid of me at times of anger.
Not good!
I look forward to trying what you recommended for Sam.
Thank you
These videos are deeply transformative. I realised I STILL felt deep shame around a domestic violence incident with my ex-husband – and that is all hooked into earlier experiences and feelings from past relationships and ultimately my childhood. It felt it was my fault, that I deserved it, because I chose to end the marriage in which I was deeply unhappy. I sent myself loving kindness, I told the small girl inside that it was not her fault, she wasn’t to blame, she didn’t deserve it. I have a lot of work to do around self-forgiveness. I am actually quick at forgiving others, because I over-empathise and therefore do not set sufficient boundaries. Thank you for sharing these powerful tools.
Hi, Really valuable, especially the way you ‘talk around’ and give insight through examples. I hurt my parents by taking an opportunity to leave my job and change focus in work and move to another country. Then the pandemic came and I didn’t see them for too long. It hurts to write how long.
Then as the world opened up my mother became unexpectedly ill with sepsis. Several months later she is adjusting to life with painful back due to infection breaking bones and no one mentioning this cause of pain at the hospital. Too complicated – but my guilt load is high.
I work with others and support others, but today the beginnings of a path through the guilt emerged. Very powerful and compelling.
Great information and techniques. When tuning in, stronger connection to emotions rather than living in thoughts. Need to forgive self to forgive others.
I thought a lot about the part “it’s not your fault”, which is a bit against popular thinking. I used this with a client, saying with the way she was brought up, the parental models she had and her own genetics, she could understand that this was the way she automatically reacted, even if that was not the way she wanted to react. This led to the “pause moment” where she could be more attentive to the physical reactions that led to anger, her feelings, her thoughts, and help her be less reactive.
Monique Viau, Québec, Canada
I first heard you talk about this story via your podcasts about 5yrs ago. It was a huge changing point in my life because self hatred for what I had done to others, was so strong that I’d obsess about it for days and nights. I still haven’t Completely over come my anger but no longer beating myself up has been life changing.
Offering myself loving kindness and compassion – I find that doesn’t come easy but am trying to do that more as part of healing.
Sorry to say I find the background music in these videos very irritating and distracts me from your wonderful words.
I’m reminded of the meaning of a Latin phrase: no one gives what she does not have (nemo dat quod non habet.) Though a legal meaning I’m struck by my ability to offer more fully and whole-hearted to others what I have received as my own; e.g. forgiveness.
Forgiving ourselves can impact our relationships in a positive way, because now we are not in a mode of putting ourselves down and thinking we are bad. We are holding compassion and care, and maybe that will trickle to others too.
Thank you for all these videos! I love your ability to connect it with neuroscience. Shame is a lonely journey and I’m thankful to continue to learn diff tools to rewire the subconscious.
We cannot change the past. By giving ourself, we can move forward to rebuild our life and our relationships with others.
Huge thanks Tara. As always, such wholesome sharings.
I feel that by forgiving myself of harm I have caused to others open a much larger understanding of togetherness and allow me to find a kind way to relate to the person. I liked very much your videos and they give a good start in managing relationships. Thank you
this is nice.
Hi Tara
Your talks were right on time for me today. I’m so looking forward to this one in particular. Thanks!
Helpful
Understanding and forgiving myself will enable me to be more present to others going forward
The exercise reminds me of the wisdom that, what we see as failures of others has it’s roots in our own imagined failures.
Speaking kind words to myself is so healing and liberating and I feel light
Very helpful series. Thank you.
Allowing ourselves to feel forgivable opens us to believing that someone else could forgive us.
Great practice to help deepen a healthy relationship with myself.
Thank you.
Letting go of guilt and shame and responding with understanding and love allows us to accept ourselves as we are and this allows us room to improve. As we let go of judging ourselves it helps us notice when we are judging others and holding them up to unrealistic expectations as well
It’s not my fault, thank you for sharing.
Wow, I can see the power of this exercise. The barriers to intimacy could be seen and released. I want to practice with myself. I think it may also help with burnout or compassion fatigue therapists encounter. I would appreciate the handout.
make them more compassionate also towards others
Very interesting. I want to use these techniques to help someone else in need.
Love is all there is. As we hold ourselves in love, we can hold the “other” in love, and we can hold the world in love. It is all one being.
I think individuals are concerned that saying “It is not your fault” will reduce the amount of responsibility for actions and excuse harmful behavior; that going to “its is not my fault” will cause individuals to rationalize, mitigate, excuse, and deny their actions that causes pain to others. I wonder if it especially helpful to clarify that the purpose of the comment (and subsequent path to healing) is to help the individual release focus on guilt and dig deeper to the feelings under the actions. The feels are not our fault, the subsequent behavior is learned behavior/auto response to avoid, alleviate, or manifest the feelings…which causes the harm. The personal insight and responsibility comes when the individual feels guilt and sorrow over the actions…but insight alone does not solve the issues. The “not your fault” is a way to give permission to move past focusing on the actions and get to the underlying feelings that produce the behavior, not avoid responsibility for the behavior?
Having genuine forgiveness will clear some blocks between acting with the person client feel guilty of. In addition, when client is hurt by someone else, client can be more easier to forgive the other person. Thus, helping to reduce tensions in relationships.
Deep sense of connection and belonging.
It’s not my fault …. The power of self forgiveness is so easily lost, and yet we need to more than ever. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this. I do believe in the power of self-compassion and being able to forgive one self.
When you heal, you heal your relationships
I will look forward to your follow-up on this compelling video. I have followed your work again more recently, after beginning with Radical Acceptance many years ago. It was a gift to the world at that time. I am back on the path and feeling more hopeful that I can accept and heal those hurting parts “from within”.
I imagined forgiving myself it made me feel sad wishing I could have another chance of being a better mother at certain stages in my life
self forgiveness would make me feel a part of life. I deserve I am worthy to receive Life’s abundant love. I would easily have and make meaningful relationships
It made me feel less guilt of how I get frustrated sometimes with my mum who has the onset of dementia. Forgiving myself and having the understanding I am grieving the loss of the strong independent role model of my life and am resisting losing her. This enables me to understand it is like the waves, peaks and troughs of times when it will be hard but then there will be good days.
Hopeful the relationship can be saved
Many of my students who work full time, suffer from relational trauma and chronic adversity, effecting their leadership capacity and overall occupational functioning negatively, as they re-enact the same behaviours that wounded them or engage in unhelpful avoidance behaviours to survive adversity. Self-forgiveness with mindful attention to their stories about themselves, others and their circumstances would produce for them, a greater internal stability to deal with work pressures, setting of appropriate boundaries and improve their decision making.
Very close to home. Still very painful. The relationship has dissolved. Self-forgiveness is very difficult to stain. I will be working on this for awhile.
Fighting to eliminate the rejection and shame experienced as a child has been a lifelong journey. The cruelty along with lack of acceptance has made me strong in that I know I can stand alone, make decisions to improve my life despite the memories and grow as I become more aware and accepting of my creative expressions
Curious of the steps you recommend to bring compassionate forgiveness to thoughtless, hurtful, or destructive people?
So close to the bone. Sam and I share much. Even to my wife being afraid of me at times of anger.
Not good!
I look forward to trying what you recommended for Sam.
Thank you
These videos are deeply transformative. I realised I STILL felt deep shame around a domestic violence incident with my ex-husband – and that is all hooked into earlier experiences and feelings from past relationships and ultimately my childhood. It felt it was my fault, that I deserved it, because I chose to end the marriage in which I was deeply unhappy. I sent myself loving kindness, I told the small girl inside that it was not her fault, she wasn’t to blame, she didn’t deserve it. I have a lot of work to do around self-forgiveness. I am actually quick at forgiving others, because I over-empathise and therefore do not set sufficient boundaries. Thank you for sharing these powerful tools.
Hi, Really valuable, especially the way you ‘talk around’ and give insight through examples. I hurt my parents by taking an opportunity to leave my job and change focus in work and move to another country. Then the pandemic came and I didn’t see them for too long. It hurts to write how long.
Then as the world opened up my mother became unexpectedly ill with sepsis. Several months later she is adjusting to life with painful back due to infection breaking bones and no one mentioning this cause of pain at the hospital. Too complicated – but my guilt load is high.
I work with others and support others, but today the beginnings of a path through the guilt emerged. Very powerful and compelling.
Great information and techniques. When tuning in, stronger connection to emotions rather than living in thoughts. Need to forgive self to forgive others.
I found it beneficial to intentionally say that I forgive myself about an instance that has been hovering over me.
If I encounter a situation where someone else does something similar to me, I will be able to forgive them as well.
It would help me move on, offering loving kindness to myself, and have healthier relationships in my family
Thank you, Tara Brach.
I thought a lot about the part “it’s not your fault”, which is a bit against popular thinking. I used this with a client, saying with the way she was brought up, the parental models she had and her own genetics, she could understand that this was the way she automatically reacted, even if that was not the way she wanted to react. This led to the “pause moment” where she could be more attentive to the physical reactions that led to anger, her feelings, her thoughts, and help her be less reactive.
Monique Viau, Québec, Canada
I first heard you talk about this story via your podcasts about 5yrs ago. It was a huge changing point in my life because self hatred for what I had done to others, was so strong that I’d obsess about it for days and nights. I still haven’t Completely over come my anger but no longer beating myself up has been life changing.
Thank you. You’re a wonderful voice with so much value. ??
Forgiving myself would, will ?, let. me be present in my relationship. Without this I will continue to stay in my self absorbing world.
Offering myself loving kindness and compassion – I find that doesn’t come easy but am trying to do that more as part of healing.
Sorry to say I find the background music in these videos very irritating and distracts me from your wonderful words.
I’m reminded of the meaning of a Latin phrase: no one gives what she does not have (nemo dat quod non habet.) Though a legal meaning I’m struck by my ability to offer more fully and whole-hearted to others what I have received as my own; e.g. forgiveness.
Forgiving ourselves can impact our relationships in a positive way, because now we are not in a mode of putting ourselves down and thinking we are bad. We are holding compassion and care, and maybe that will trickle to others too.
It is often hardest to be kind to ourselves – an important message. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights.
Thank you for all these videos! I love your ability to connect it with neuroscience. Shame is a lonely journey and I’m thankful to continue to learn diff tools to rewire the subconscious.