It makes me less judgemental and calmer and more trusting in the relationship. Because I’m not just focused on myself and what a bad person (I think) I am.
If I could just remember to regard myself with compassion and care, I’m sure I’d be able to live a happy and healthy life. I don’t know how to remember, though.
Deborah Kawkeka, Counseling, SACRAMENTO, CA, USAsays
I appreciate the teachings that Tara has shared and the stories. It makes sense to me that if we hold ourselves in LovingKindness, that we cannot help but hold others in LovingKindness. Self-forgiveness is such a large part of this process.
Everything is energy. When we hold the energy of resentment or lack forgiveness for ourselves, we create boundaries between us and others. I think of forgiveness as giving the energy of love where it was forgotten. When we remember how to love ourselves it open our hearts and removes barriers making way for healthier, more loving relationships.
I have a tight chest recalling the experience but feel a little more accepting that I am not as discombobulated and depressed as I was feeling last Friday.
I’ve always had trouble with forgiveness because I couldn’t help but feel like forgiveness validated the “wrong-doer”. After going through some of the questions from video #1 on ‘overcoming self-criticism’, I realized that one of the things I didn’t want to admit about myself was that I wanted to stay a victim. Growing up, making mistakes wasn’t at all tolerated. While my parents are loving and did their absolute best, they were very strict. We would be punished for being wrong – not just for poor or mean behavior but for making mistakes even if they were unintentional. If I didn’t get it wrong, I wouldn’t get in trouble. Long story short, staying the victim kept me safe.
Now, forgiving feels like giving the person a “pass”, like what they did was okay or inconsequential when I’ve spent the whole of my adult life trying to heal myself and change my mindset. After all of my hard work, forgiveness feels like letting them off the hook after I’ve paid the price of their own mistakes!! After these couple of videos, forgiveness feels more like, instead of validating the “wrong-doer”, recognizing our common humanity. My parents raised me the way they did because of their own issues which makes them – surprise, surprise – human! They’re not perfect; neither am I. And, I forgive myself for believing that I needed them to be perfect in order to be okay. In taking responsibility for who I am, I’m letting go of the victim mentality. While I love my parents dearly, I take full credit for who I am today because I’m the one who did the hard work of healing and growing. In letting go and forgiving my parents, I fully embrace myself and recognize and VALIDATE all I’ve done to become who I am today.
I judge myself for self – harming in the presence of my newborn daughter (hitting myself violently, wanting to die) causing her what I believe to be a trauma that has damaged our relationship and made her insecure (at 6 years old, she still displays signs of fear of abandonment /losing me). I’m
Ashamed to report a vivid memory of breastfeeding and her bouncing her on my yoga ball in an effort to soothe her crying in the middle of the night whilst wailing myself, hitting my own head with my own fists out of sheer desperation and exhaustion, wanting to actually bash my own head against the wall to have it all over with, feeling like I was totally failing at my role as a mother and believing my partner and daughter would be better off if I died. Yet I know it’s not my fault I was not diagnosed with post partum depression and I was doing the best I could under the circumstances.
Making amends to myself opens up a space, helping me to detach and see the bigger picture, in a soft light, letting the sun going down and up again, making me feel being part of life experience, connected to everyone.
With selfcompassion and forgiveness I open up to the space that gives everything a new start in which it is oke to fail. We are all fallible human beings, if i rest in that loving space, the judgement is no longer so compelling. The guiltfeelings soften into regret.
It felt good to be in touch with self-compassion and understanding. It opened me up, made me feel soft and there was a sense of being able to move forward.
Genuine forgiveness can help as it will help reduce the level of anxiety clients have around their own behaviors which will open up space for them to be more able to connect with others in their life.
I’m trying to do this very thing with my oldest son… he’s struggling with his own challenges and I have been blaming myself for not being a good father… but I have dissected what a “ good father “ is and have let go of the guilt and painfully realized he is on his own path…
By exploring those beliefs and feelings, and letting go of them, I’d be able to better accept myself which would enable me to accept others with less or no judgement.
I think if I could genuinely forgive myself it would help me accept other places where I resist guilt or acknowledging harm I’ve caused. Really generative!
I’m feeling intense resistance in my heart to the idea that loving myself would be ok. At the head level all that Tara says makes sense, but my heart tells I’m not allowed to. I don’t deserve to be loved and forgiven. Although I’m a victim of an awful lot of cruel abuse… and have just been resentful because of that cruelty and injustice. Saying “it’s not my fault” sounds really bad. I hate it when people don’t take responsibility. So I feel like I have to own up to what the abuse has turned me into. Like: it is my fault that I failed to remain a beautiful soul under tyranny.
Rosemary camposano, Another Field, Los Gatos, CA, USAsays
the second and third chapters of this video series were wonderful. I’m an aspiring therapist/counselor and am drawn to the type of powerful healing you offer through both your meditation practice, which I am practicing myself, and your therapeutic teachings. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am slowly healing the child-left-behind.
This has been my lifelong struggle, to overcome abandonment at birth and rejection of a cruelly abusive adoptive mother. I have carried the deep relational and neurobiological shame Patricia DeYoung so accurately describes as chronic shame. It has adversely affected every relationship since early childhood, created a longing to be truly known and deeply loved. Tara Brach and Christopher Germer help me live with many real losses in my life, but the deep sadness never lifts. Now 73, I just accept.
I too suffer from lack of love for myself. I have used this practice many times. What I find is it’s a practice , practice , practice not a 1 time fix.
I love your kind spirit and teachings you share with others. Thank you
Jacky T
I have always resorted to anger and flight when in challenging situations, and rather than be abandoned , I abandon the situation and or myself . This leaves me in judgement , full of pain and hopelessness. Sitting with forgiveness for myself has been healing not only for me , but I am more readily able to forgive others as a result
I have always suffered from insecurity and feelings of unworthiness, which has led me to reject the love of others. I would like to learn to let others love me and learn to trust their love.
This process will allow me to be gentle and kinder to this person. Neither of us got up each day and wanted to hurt each other, but we did. And even though the intimacy of the relationship will end I can be kind and understanding of my own and their feelings.
I feel very judgmental and critical about myself when I’m tired, fatigued, depressed or unmotivated. And it gets even worse when I look around and compare what I’ve done today to what other people have done. But I’m learning to listen to body, maybe I’m tired because I need more sleep, better nutrition or a creative outlet for stress. I’m going to let go of the guilt and shame and take better care of my mind, body and spirit.
It makes me less judgemental and calmer and more trusting in the relationship. Because I’m not just focused on myself and what a bad person (I think) I am.
Thank you Tara for this important insight.
Thank you for all this great information. It has been very helpful!
They may build their sense of self worth and open their heart to love themselves more
If I could just remember to regard myself with compassion and care, I’m sure I’d be able to live a happy and healthy life. I don’t know how to remember, though.
Space opens up
I appreciate the teachings that Tara has shared and the stories. It makes sense to me that if we hold ourselves in LovingKindness, that we cannot help but hold others in LovingKindness. Self-forgiveness is such a large part of this process.
Everything is energy. When we hold the energy of resentment or lack forgiveness for ourselves, we create boundaries between us and others. I think of forgiveness as giving the energy of love where it was forgotten. When we remember how to love ourselves it open our hearts and removes barriers making way for healthier, more loving relationships.
Working on dialogue with my sense of unworthiness
I have a tight chest recalling the experience but feel a little more accepting that I am not as discombobulated and depressed as I was feeling last Friday.
In the exercise of holding myself gently , there was a melting of the painful tight feeling in my body. My being relaxed and felt bigger.
I’ve always had trouble with forgiveness because I couldn’t help but feel like forgiveness validated the “wrong-doer”. After going through some of the questions from video #1 on ‘overcoming self-criticism’, I realized that one of the things I didn’t want to admit about myself was that I wanted to stay a victim. Growing up, making mistakes wasn’t at all tolerated. While my parents are loving and did their absolute best, they were very strict. We would be punished for being wrong – not just for poor or mean behavior but for making mistakes even if they were unintentional. If I didn’t get it wrong, I wouldn’t get in trouble. Long story short, staying the victim kept me safe.
Now, forgiving feels like giving the person a “pass”, like what they did was okay or inconsequential when I’ve spent the whole of my adult life trying to heal myself and change my mindset. After all of my hard work, forgiveness feels like letting them off the hook after I’ve paid the price of their own mistakes!! After these couple of videos, forgiveness feels more like, instead of validating the “wrong-doer”, recognizing our common humanity. My parents raised me the way they did because of their own issues which makes them – surprise, surprise – human! They’re not perfect; neither am I. And, I forgive myself for believing that I needed them to be perfect in order to be okay. In taking responsibility for who I am, I’m letting go of the victim mentality. While I love my parents dearly, I take full credit for who I am today because I’m the one who did the hard work of healing and growing. In letting go and forgiving my parents, I fully embrace myself and recognize and VALIDATE all I’ve done to become who I am today.
I feel I will need to practice this a lot in order to truly forgive myself.
Sense of relief.
I judge myself for self – harming in the presence of my newborn daughter (hitting myself violently, wanting to die) causing her what I believe to be a trauma that has damaged our relationship and made her insecure (at 6 years old, she still displays signs of fear of abandonment /losing me). I’m
Ashamed to report a vivid memory of breastfeeding and her bouncing her on my yoga ball in an effort to soothe her crying in the middle of the night whilst wailing myself, hitting my own head with my own fists out of sheer desperation and exhaustion, wanting to actually bash my own head against the wall to have it all over with, feeling like I was totally failing at my role as a mother and believing my partner and daughter would be better off if I died. Yet I know it’s not my fault I was not diagnosed with post partum depression and I was doing the best I could under the circumstances.
Making amends to myself opens up a space, helping me to detach and see the bigger picture, in a soft light, letting the sun going down and up again, making me feel being part of life experience, connected to everyone.
With selfcompassion and forgiveness I open up to the space that gives everything a new start in which it is oke to fail. We are all fallible human beings, if i rest in that loving space, the judgement is no longer so compelling. The guiltfeelings soften into regret.
When I fully forgive myself, there is a sense that I am able to start on a clean slate, without fear that something bad is about to happen.
It felt good to be in touch with self-compassion and understanding. It opened me up, made me feel soft and there was a sense of being able to move forward.
Forgiveness is nourishment for our body and soul
Let us be compassionate and maturity for ourselves and our relationships
Genuine forgiveness can help as it will help reduce the level of anxiety clients have around their own behaviors which will open up space for them to be more able to connect with others in their life.
I flipped my script!
When I forgive myself truly, I can make more space for others.
Thank you for these videos . I have been working hard to heal my belonging. Deep gratitude for the work you do.🙏🏻🌸
If I forgive myself the relationship become kind and warm
I’m trying to do this very thing with my oldest son… he’s struggling with his own challenges and I have been blaming myself for not being a good father… but I have dissected what a “ good father “ is and have let go of the guilt and painfully realized he is on his own path…
Less tense and anxious in their presence
This exercise helps me when working with mom guilt.
simple yet difficult practices to master.
thank you.
I am hoping for more connection with my brother.
By exploring those beliefs and feelings, and letting go of them, I’d be able to better accept myself which would enable me to accept others with less or no judgement.
I think if I could genuinely forgive myself it would help me accept other places where I resist guilt or acknowledging harm I’ve caused. Really generative!
It feels so good when I give forgiveness to myself liberating the guilt and hate
I’m feeling intense resistance in my heart to the idea that loving myself would be ok. At the head level all that Tara says makes sense, but my heart tells I’m not allowed to. I don’t deserve to be loved and forgiven. Although I’m a victim of an awful lot of cruel abuse… and have just been resentful because of that cruelty and injustice. Saying “it’s not my fault” sounds really bad. I hate it when people don’t take responsibility. So I feel like I have to own up to what the abuse has turned me into. Like: it is my fault that I failed to remain a beautiful soul under tyranny.
Stepping out of the “Trance of Unworthiness”…
Thank you
I wouldn’t have so much resentment and I would be able to stay present and enjoy the now
the second and third chapters of this video series were wonderful. I’m an aspiring therapist/counselor and am drawn to the type of powerful healing you offer through both your meditation practice, which I am practicing myself, and your therapeutic teachings. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am slowly healing the child-left-behind.
This has been my lifelong struggle, to overcome abandonment at birth and rejection of a cruelly abusive adoptive mother. I have carried the deep relational and neurobiological shame Patricia DeYoung so accurately describes as chronic shame. It has adversely affected every relationship since early childhood, created a longing to be truly known and deeply loved. Tara Brach and Christopher Germer help me live with many real losses in my life, but the deep sadness never lifts. Now 73, I just accept.
I too suffer from lack of love for myself. I have used this practice many times. What I find is it’s a practice , practice , practice not a 1 time fix.
I love your kind spirit and teachings you share with others. Thank you
Jacky T
I have always resorted to anger and flight when in challenging situations, and rather than be abandoned , I abandon the situation and or myself . This leaves me in judgement , full of pain and hopelessness. Sitting with forgiveness for myself has been healing not only for me , but I am more readily able to forgive others as a result
After forgiving myself, I feel closer to this other person.
So healing and helpful….beautiful….Much Gratitude <3
I found the exercise of forgiveness a really healing moment.
Thank you Tara for your steadfastness in beating the drum for self-compassion!
This is very helpful as I work with couples. I can see the impact of these feelings on the relationship.
Thank you
I have always suffered from insecurity and feelings of unworthiness, which has led me to reject the love of others. I would like to learn to let others love me and learn to trust their love.
I would be able to get closer to others because I would no longer be worried about them seeing my true self.
This process will allow me to be gentle and kinder to this person. Neither of us got up each day and wanted to hurt each other, but we did. And even though the intimacy of the relationship will end I can be kind and understanding of my own and their feelings.
Thank you for the practices and helpful stories
Thanks Tara
I feel very judgmental and critical about myself when I’m tired, fatigued, depressed or unmotivated. And it gets even worse when I look around and compare what I’ve done today to what other people have done. But I’m learning to listen to body, maybe I’m tired because I need more sleep, better nutrition or a creative outlet for stress. I’m going to let go of the guilt and shame and take better care of my mind, body and spirit.