Recently, in hospital for a heart episode in which I went through cardiac arrest, I told a friend how hurtful it was to have her ignore it completely, instead going on about her own life. In the state of feeling deeply shaken and frail, her email had shocked me. Her response has been to cut off contact.
Angry outbursts have been a theme in my life that I’ve worked with for years so Sam’s story really spoke to me. It seems no matter how mild (and they’ve gotten progressively milder), any degree of anger is unacceptable, even in these extreme circumstances. I am trying to work with my own part, as I always have. But I’m confused about “righteous anger” and how to turn into something that can communicate more effectively. I know the origin of the anger, have done years of re-parenting. At this point I don’t understand why there is no room or latitude, at all, to allow for shock and a little outrage, in such a situation.
Not shame, not guilty, but the worst is the distance between persons and not knowing the cause of it.
You call them, you send messages, but they do not correspond to you. You love them and the grief is with us. Maybe the cause of that ” frozen” was the Pandemia.
Another interesting topic to try, to think about.
Genuine forgiveness would help because it would help me to deepen my empathy and acceptance toward all. It would help me be able to really “be” with myself instead of avoiding because I am afraid to see who I am. It would help me to avoid dangerous, avoidance behaviors such as eating to comfort myself.
Sarah Adams, Psychotherapy, Fullerton , CA, USAsays
Self forgiveness is liberating. It sets you free to form deeper connections with others. The video was a great reminder and inspiration to encourage clients to let go of anger, resentment, un-forgiveness and self-loathing. “It’s not your fault”, loved that intervention. I am a fan of Tara Brach. I have seen other helpful videos and podcasts.
Sarah Adams
Even when we know we have not done anything wrong, our perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of ourselves can lead to shame and regret; thank you, Tara, for the reminder that mindfulness is key in unpacking the truth and loving ourselves for doing more good than harm.
Just like Sam, I realize I need to be kinder and more gentle with myself. I realize I developed some unhelpful and unfriendly beliefs toward myself. I can forgive myself for thinking and believing these thinga and I will practice this becuase I want to.
Cheryl Williams, Marriage/Family Therapy, Long Beach, CA, USAsays
Thank you for this information. I work with my clients to self-forgive as the first step in learning to forgive others. This information will help me further my work with those client’s.
Kathleen Eschenberg, Counseling, Port Jervis, NY, USAsays
So very grateful for these videos. Sharing her experiences with Sam opened up a path for me to follow with one of my own clients. Many thanks Tara for sharing these videos with us.
This is very helpful, as Tara’s wisdom and gentleness so very often are. I feel guilty and in pain about my mothering of my 3 grown daughters. I seek healing of our spirits emotions and bodies
Kathleen Eschenberg, Coach, Port Jervis, NY, USAsays
It was so beautiful the way Sam received the statement “it’s not your fault”. Not everyone is broken enough to receive this so readily. This whole series has been very inspirational. I have many ideas to pursue with my clients from it.
I liked the question, does shame help you become a better person?
I was also struck by her phrase “trance of unworthiness “. It is a trance, and unfortunately belief about being unworthy, or not mattering is something that I hear from most clients.
Excellent video! Thanks for sharing this.
Would be helpful if you unpicked Sam’s learnt response from his father and other men that his problems are so much more important than his wife’s health or sense of safety and fear in her own home. I agree that Sam needs to accept that he behaves like this with as little shame as possible so that he works on it, but domestic abuse comes from a sense of male entitlement and privelege as much as anything.
Thank you so much for this offering, Tara. I struggle a great deal with my shame and guilt around how I’ve handled my son’s struggles. This practice is one that I will continue to explore. Thank you.
Genuine Self-Forgiveness, takes time, takes many practices.
Yes, slowly but surely the individual can move forward
After sufficient self-forgiveness one realises a freedom like being set free to develop one’s true self.
Thank you Tara, now I understand and I am able to fully forgive my husband who left me 3 years ago after almost 30 years together. I feel real love towards him, I do not expect anything.
Thanks Tara, while I can say ‘it’s not your fault’, my felt experience or my critic says very convincingly that’ it is your fault’…based on information because a lot of the time I am actually falling short despite all my awareness, I feel like a hypocrite, I’ve come at it from several angles and I’m really challenged with practicing mindfulness and meditation I think I’m trying too hard, so I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place as I know it can’t be forced but yet I’m still falling short and berating myself with that as well. It’s a vicious circle😞
Bruce McPherson, Another Field, Atlanta, GA, USAsays
I had a realization that my desire for perfection in how I’m dealing with my granddaughter was also a projection of perfection onto her. And these unreasonable, demanding expectations were hurting us both. Forgiveness and acceptance of both of our imperfections and limitations is the dry timber that offers the heat of healing to us both.
Thank you so much for this. It is so insightful and really helped. I love the question about whether your feelings of shame or guilt helped you to become a better person? Really got me thinking and I will be using this with clients and well as exploring it more personally.
Makes me think that it s not my fault to have believed so strongly since I was a child that I m not worth enough and that my own needs don t matter enough. Willing to think with that child about possible misunderstandings around this issue of worth
This was a very insightful video for me. The simplicity of those words, “It’s not your fault”, had such a profound softening effect for me (a recovering self-hater!). I will definitely be using this with my clients.
I would love to receive the handout and am so grateful for this video. Many thanks.
This realy hit home with me, such a simple question, totaly shifting the perspective on the guilt and shame you carry: has it led to you becoming a peson that does better? NO <3 thank you <3
Dear Tara
Thank you so much for your helpful words. Listening to Sam’s story I also cried and held my hand to my heart remembering myself as a child in an unloving and violent home. I have been feeling shame and guilt about not being a supportive parent to my own daughter and blaming myself for her suffering. You have helped me to see that it was not my fault, i had no resources to call upon to be a supportive parent as i had not received loving care as a child. Today listening to Sam’s story today I recognised just how deeply that neglect as a child has affected me, leaving me carrying a sense of unworthiness which has been debilitating to all my relationships for 59 years. I feel this realisation is a breakthrough which fills me with hope. Thankyou for sharing this invaluable resource. Warm wishes Jules
Practice forgiving m6sel
Jennifer Smith, Psychotherapy, Staten Island, NY, USAsays
Thank you for including me. I love this and implement these principles with all my clients. Forgiving others is a gift we give ourselves and it is much easier than forgiving ourself. Why do we treat others better than we do ourself!?! Helping clients see this to treat themselves like their best friend… kindly with love acceptance and support is the foundation of therapy.
Many people say “I would never do to others what I do to myself”. The exercise of treating yourself as your friend is very helpful. So true when a person is held by shame and self hatred, the person is not in the parasympathetic state where healing happens.
I shut down and withhold when I’m self-judging, and it creates distance and hurts others and myself. Forgiving myself would allow me to stay connected and talk through any conflict or misunderstanding. Thank you for sharing power and capacity for self-compassion in these videos
Self forgiveness leads to less defensiveness and more open hearted communication and energetic flow.
Recently, in hospital for a heart episode in which I went through cardiac arrest, I told a friend how hurtful it was to have her ignore it completely, instead going on about her own life. In the state of feeling deeply shaken and frail, her email had shocked me. Her response has been to cut off contact.
Angry outbursts have been a theme in my life that I’ve worked with for years so Sam’s story really spoke to me. It seems no matter how mild (and they’ve gotten progressively milder), any degree of anger is unacceptable, even in these extreme circumstances. I am trying to work with my own part, as I always have. But I’m confused about “righteous anger” and how to turn into something that can communicate more effectively. I know the origin of the anger, have done years of re-parenting. At this point I don’t understand why there is no room or latitude, at all, to allow for shock and a little outrage, in such a situation.
Not shame, not guilty, but the worst is the distance between persons and not knowing the cause of it.
You call them, you send messages, but they do not correspond to you. You love them and the grief is with us. Maybe the cause of that ” frozen” was the Pandemia.
Another interesting topic to try, to think about.
Very interesting your topic!!! Have a nice Day!
I imagined a real softening of my heart, which in turn, softened the heart of the other person.
This brought tears to my eyes and a wave of self love came over me.
Self-forgiveness is a catalyst for healing, restoration and transformation of self. The results affect the quality of all relationships exponentially.
Genuine forgiveness would help because it would help me to deepen my empathy and acceptance toward all. It would help me be able to really “be” with myself instead of avoiding because I am afraid to see who I am. It would help me to avoid dangerous, avoidance behaviors such as eating to comfort myself.
Thank you for these words of wisdom and the exercises
Self forgiveness is liberating. It sets you free to form deeper connections with others. The video was a great reminder and inspiration to encourage clients to let go of anger, resentment, un-forgiveness and self-loathing. “It’s not your fault”, loved that intervention. I am a fan of Tara Brach. I have seen other helpful videos and podcasts.
Sarah Adams
One’s relationship oneself is so important for us to be able to give to others.
Even when we know we have not done anything wrong, our perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of ourselves can lead to shame and regret; thank you, Tara, for the reminder that mindfulness is key in unpacking the truth and loving ourselves for doing more good than harm.
I believe that it would bring more kindness and understanding in the relationship.
Mindfulness is a powerful tool in addressing the beliefs that lie at the center of self hate and shame .
Very compelling exercise.
Peace within is so necessary when feeling such guilt & pain inflicted onto others
Thanks for the wisdom.
Thank you. Self acceptance is so important and Styx a challenge.
Just like Sam, I realize I need to be kinder and more gentle with myself. I realize I developed some unhelpful and unfriendly beliefs toward myself. I can forgive myself for thinking and believing these thinga and I will practice this becuase I want to.
Tara Brach’s philosophy has never been helpful for me. Happy not to have the meditation thank you.
This is a very healthy and helpful perspective. Thank you.
I would be able to ask for what I need in the relationship instead of building up resentment.
Great exercise, thank you for sharing
Thank you for this information. I work with my clients to self-forgive as the first step in learning to forgive others. This information will help me further my work with those client’s.
So very grateful for these videos. Sharing her experiences with Sam opened up a path for me to follow with one of my own clients. Many thanks Tara for sharing these videos with us.
Thank you Tara. It brought tears to my eyes
This kind of forgiveness is part of my daily meditation. I find it so helpful to stay up-to-date with my humanness…Thank you.
This is very helpful, as Tara’s wisdom and gentleness so very often are. I feel guilty and in pain about my mothering of my 3 grown daughters. I seek healing of our spirits emotions and bodies
The softening creates the opening for a coming home to myself.
I feel extremely sad & embarrassed when I think of the pain,I caused.H.
It was so beautiful the way Sam received the statement “it’s not your fault”. Not everyone is broken enough to receive this so readily. This whole series has been very inspirational. I have many ideas to pursue with my clients from it.
I liked the question, does shame help you become a better person?
I was also struck by her phrase “trance of unworthiness “. It is a trance, and unfortunately belief about being unworthy, or not mattering is something that I hear from most clients.
Excellent video! Thanks for sharing this.
Shame is ruining me life
I realize that what I’m angry about is really not about me
I feel less threatened when I forgive myself, less judged, more secure and grounded.
Would be helpful if you unpicked Sam’s learnt response from his father and other men that his problems are so much more important than his wife’s health or sense of safety and fear in her own home. I agree that Sam needs to accept that he behaves like this with as little shame as possible so that he works on it, but domestic abuse comes from a sense of male entitlement and privelege as much as anything.
Thank you so much for this offering, Tara. I struggle a great deal with my shame and guilt around how I’ve handled my son’s struggles. This practice is one that I will continue to explore. Thank you.
Genuine Self-Forgiveness, takes time, takes many practices.
Yes, slowly but surely the individual can move forward
After sufficient self-forgiveness one realises a freedom like being set free to develop one’s true self.
Thank you Tara, now I understand and I am able to fully forgive my husband who left me 3 years ago after almost 30 years together. I feel real love towards him, I do not expect anything.
Thanks Tara, while I can say ‘it’s not your fault’, my felt experience or my critic says very convincingly that’ it is your fault’…based on information because a lot of the time I am actually falling short despite all my awareness, I feel like a hypocrite, I’ve come at it from several angles and I’m really challenged with practicing mindfulness and meditation I think I’m trying too hard, so I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place as I know it can’t be forced but yet I’m still falling short and berating myself with that as well. It’s a vicious circle😞
I had a realization that my desire for perfection in how I’m dealing with my granddaughter was also a projection of perfection onto her. And these unreasonable, demanding expectations were hurting us both. Forgiveness and acceptance of both of our imperfections and limitations is the dry timber that offers the heat of healing to us both.
Tara this is the first time I’ve heard this perspective, and had it put so simply. It gives me new reason to hope I can do better.
Thank you so much for this. It is so insightful and really helped. I love the question about whether your feelings of shame or guilt helped you to become a better person? Really got me thinking and I will be using this with clients and well as exploring it more personally.
Makes me think that it s not my fault to have believed so strongly since I was a child that I m not worth enough and that my own needs don t matter enough. Willing to think with that child about possible misunderstandings around this issue of worth
First time I’ve listened to you, Tara. My loss!
This was a very insightful video for me. The simplicity of those words, “It’s not your fault”, had such a profound softening effect for me (a recovering self-hater!). I will definitely be using this with my clients.
I would love to receive the handout and am so grateful for this video. Many thanks.
This realy hit home with me, such a simple question, totaly shifting the perspective on the guilt and shame you carry: has it led to you becoming a peson that does better? NO <3 thank you <3
Helping someone to free themselves from shame and self hatred is like seeing the sunshine after a storm.
Dear Tara
Thank you so much for your helpful words. Listening to Sam’s story I also cried and held my hand to my heart remembering myself as a child in an unloving and violent home. I have been feeling shame and guilt about not being a supportive parent to my own daughter and blaming myself for her suffering. You have helped me to see that it was not my fault, i had no resources to call upon to be a supportive parent as i had not received loving care as a child. Today listening to Sam’s story today I recognised just how deeply that neglect as a child has affected me, leaving me carrying a sense of unworthiness which has been debilitating to all my relationships for 59 years. I feel this realisation is a breakthrough which fills me with hope. Thankyou for sharing this invaluable resource. Warm wishes Jules
Practice forgiving m6sel
Thank you for including me. I love this and implement these principles with all my clients. Forgiving others is a gift we give ourselves and it is much easier than forgiving ourself. Why do we treat others better than we do ourself!?! Helping clients see this to treat themselves like their best friend… kindly with love acceptance and support is the foundation of therapy.
Many people say “I would never do to others what I do to myself”. The exercise of treating yourself as your friend is very helpful. So true when a person is held by shame and self hatred, the person is not in the parasympathetic state where healing happens.
I shut down and withhold when I’m self-judging, and it creates distance and hurts others and myself. Forgiving myself would allow me to stay connected and talk through any conflict or misunderstanding. Thank you for sharing power and capacity for self-compassion in these videos
Thank you Tara for your wisdom and knowledge.