My knowing was that I felt really unappreciated, unheard and, in many ways ‘used’ and that caused me to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and so unable, at that time, to be open hearted when I needed to be.
This was in sharp contrast to how I used to be. I felt, almost physically, every frustration I took out, either in silence or in sharpness, or lack of patience, on the others I truly loved around me. I felt shame and guilt and could not then forgive myself for what, at that time, I couldn’t help, and was so out of character.
Self forgiveness and the realisation that I did the best I could, (more than others could have and did) but more importantly, the best I could with my inner resources at that time, has enabled me to move forward.
Thank you for your wisdom and to the other commenters for sharing their stories.
roberta auslander, Psychotherapy, Chicago, IL, USAsays
I see where self compassion helps people feel. I find my clients bristle at the words, it’s not your fault and wonder if there are other words that work initially while moving into it’s not your fault – understanding that does not negate responsibility for our actions.
It’s okay that I don’t always like everything about this friend I deeply cherish and love. I’m not perfect in my love and acceptance because of my own hurts and my own humanity. Even though I don’t always feel perfect ease with my friend or my reactions to her, it doesn’t mean that my love for her is not real and good.
Thank you for this series. I have been working on forgiving myself for some time now and finding relief is constant but very slow to evolve. I still feel that the process of forgiving myself is who I am. This limits my desire and ability to enjoy others.
The relationship I imagined was my relation with my daughter, when I feel guilty because I was working and not playing with her. I think forgiving me will allow me be more present the time I have to spend with her. To play with her full of love and no full of guilty.
I had a situation where I admitted to something I did not do just so that person would get off my back. It totally blew up in my face and has lasted for years. Trying to make amends for something I never did has been emotionally exhausting and difficult. I feel very regretful of my actions but mostly to myself. I have caused myself lots of anguish and emotional pain which leads to anger towards the person who I tried to please. Saying it’s not my fault helps release some of this self-hatred. Thank yo7.
My healing: My wife of 3 separate marriages over 44 years died a ghastly premature death one year ago. She basically went insane. She was devoted to me. In the lat 10 years, she became more and more angry, violent. Domestic Violence!! Extreme assault and battery, unspeakable psychological torment.
I have blamed myself for not loving her, apathy. I suffer PTSD and a laundry list of shame, guilt, and anger, harking back to feeling the reenactment of childhood shame and fear. Work in progress. Thank You
I’ve held so much anger and grief toward a family member who did not treat me with love or respect. What I have missed out on by not getting that. But I feel now that I am beginning to be that friend to myself. That she is incapable, clearly, or at least, won’t change on my timeline. But I am capable. And I can reflect on my own hurt child and adult self and feel that her incapacity is not my fault. (Nor hers.) The tension of wanting her love and waiting for it dissolves. Now I can be free to love myself. Being angry at her was holding me back from loving myself.
forgiving myself is becoming the greatest gift I will ever give myself! since I have been back in Delaware and sober I have been doing what I like to call picking up the million little pieces. This evolved reaching out to those I wanted to apologize to for the interactions they had with me while I was in active addiction and it had been very liberating for my heart! Like I was unhooking carabiners that where holding figurative parachutes that were slowing me down! The people that choose to respond to me also said it was very liberating for them too!
This is a very powerful teachings from Tara Brach on how to overcome your negative emotions and how we react to it. Often when we encounter such situations we react with self judgement that we are inadequate. Thank you very much for enlightening us through acceptance, followed by skills such as mindfulness, self compassion and forgiveness.
This was a very simple and compassionate approach to working with anger and shame. I love Tara Brach’s approach. I will continue in this mission of self compassion work with clients which feeds into RAIN. Thank you Tara.
I often work.with clients who are in the dying process! Many of them can’t let go no matter how much they are suffering or how much pain they are causing their families! Almost always they have unfinished business! Most often they are holding feelings of shame and worthless ! Helping them get in touch with past experiences is being shamed by others allows then to forgive themselves and feel free! Mindfulness is a powerful tool and practice to help !
Daily forgiveness feels like a necessary practice along my daily gratitude. I’m always aware that I can do better, but that I’ve also done the best I can.
I struggle to forgive myself, or forget hurting others, whether or not they know or suspect me of any indiscretion, or hurtful action, in the same way I struggle to commit to meditation, or mindfulness.
MARIE WESTBURG, Another Field, Williamsburg, MA, USAsays
Thank you, this is a great technique that focuses on what truly matters, healing what is underneath automatic response behaviors passed down over generations.
Very insightful as always. And indeed, connecting to the needs and grief below, can really help for getting clarity on what is really going on, and from there, easier access to self-compassion, and improve relationships. Thank you so much for this!
What a wonderful precious gift dear Tara! Thank you from all my heart!
Seeing yoursef through the eyes of a loving kind friend can bring surprising changes in one`s attitude towards oneself. One time is not enough, you have to continue, to practise every single day….
I feel like saying it’s “not your fault” gives people a pass to commit all kinds of harms. I guess I get stuck in my victim & focus on my abuser in this space. So if I cannot forgive him then how can I forgive myself for “lesser” harms? Seems like the self judgement keeps me “in line”. I can see how it can just be a vicious cycle. In my adult I can see how these exercises will help & I have had some success with this in the past. It is my teenager & little girl who don’t believe it will keep them safe quite yet.
I think this has the potential to release some of the negative energy that holds us back when we are not pleased with ourselves, particularly if we have harmed others as a result.
After placing my hand over my heart, I relaxed a bit as I thought about both forgiving myself and continuing to move forward with practicing more awareness, listening and compassion……..
I also feel unrespected and I’m sure I’m really not worth it… it’s very difficult to believe that it’s not my fault altough I can’t name specific reasons for calling me a bad person. But now I started to say stop if my thoughts go in this direction.
Thank you Tara!
It is true we judge ourselves more harshly than we do others. Taking the time to mindfully feel compassion for and forgive this vulnerable broken part that we carry within us heavy as a stone, is very freeing and peaceful. It leaves space within us to grow.
Your teachings are so helpful as you address the difficulties full on. What came up for me is the knowing what I feel guilty for but somehow realising that I’m detached from the consequences and therefore detached from mySelf. When you asked us to forgive ourselves I found it very hard to connect to being and sensing that forgiveness.
Big work ahead xxxxxx
I’ve had a fractured relationship with my daughter. I’ve been a Vipassana meditator for years however. I left home at 17 due to violent alcoholic father. No relationship with other family members due to his violence. I became a single parent at 35 and dev eloped ovarian cancer at age 39 which I survived, however, not having family in our lives caused much stress and financial strife. Because of the abusive relationship with her father I remained alone working and going to school at the College of St. Catherine…no family contact. I too was isolated within the college community as a single parent on welfare. I received honors for my poetry and prose however, never felt good enough. My daughter is divorced with three lovely children, two girls 14 and 17 and a boy 12. I feel shame and guilt for how I was focused on her father (unavailable) for the first 3 years of her life and therefore feel responsible for her behavior. She’s a recovering alcoholic (4 years) at 43 now smokes. She doesn’t seem to have the capacity to show love, either for others…even her children. She’s now a workaholic! She avoids me, however, says she loves me…I don’t feel it. It’s as though I’m already dead to her. I’m 80 years old and wish to have a loving relationship with my daughter and grandchildren. My grandchildren are warm and loving, however, I sense a strain when I’m present.
The point raised about how self hate, shame and guilt only further contract our being and sense of purpose and goodness is indeed poignant and useful, especially when it is raised as a question.
If I could forgive myself perhaps I could find an opening to reach out out to my adult daughter and eventually we could forgive each other. We are very estranged.
I particularly liked the link between shame and guilt, self hatred and aggression. Too often I have seen men, in particular, vilified for it. Take Will Smith this past week. Very few comments, if any, in the media about his own inner struggles, beliefs, shame, self loathing, etc., that moved him to act out. Yes, abuse us abuse. But…what drives it internally. Many men do feel deep shame afterwards. Often they describe it as “an out of body experience “. Thank you.😊
“Self-punishment plants the seeds for future behavior.”
This statement is so true, and unfortunately we humans are masters at self-punishment! Acceptance, surrender & due diligence are necessary to escape this old paradigm.
Powerful! Thank you Tara
Looking forward to more
My knowing was that I felt really unappreciated, unheard and, in many ways ‘used’ and that caused me to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and so unable, at that time, to be open hearted when I needed to be.
This was in sharp contrast to how I used to be. I felt, almost physically, every frustration I took out, either in silence or in sharpness, or lack of patience, on the others I truly loved around me. I felt shame and guilt and could not then forgive myself for what, at that time, I couldn’t help, and was so out of character.
Self forgiveness and the realisation that I did the best I could, (more than others could have and did) but more importantly, the best I could with my inner resources at that time, has enabled me to move forward.
Thank you for your wisdom and to the other commenters for sharing their stories.
I see where self compassion helps people feel. I find my clients bristle at the words, it’s not your fault and wonder if there are other words that work initially while moving into it’s not your fault – understanding that does not negate responsibility for our actions.
Use RAIN all the time
Wonderful videos, heartwarming.
This is really going to inform my client work. Thank you so much.
Just breathing through this right now
Thank you. The connecting with the young part of myself softened my heart and slowed me down. Thanks again!
It’s okay that I don’t always like everything about this friend I deeply cherish and love. I’m not perfect in my love and acceptance because of my own hurts and my own humanity. Even though I don’t always feel perfect ease with my friend or my reactions to her, it doesn’t mean that my love for her is not real and good.
Yes, i’d like to know. There’s one person I lose it with often whom I love deeply and hate myself for it.
Thank you for this series. I have been working on forgiving myself for some time now and finding relief is constant but very slow to evolve. I still feel that the process of forgiving myself is who I am. This limits my desire and ability to enjoy others.
The relationship I imagined was my relation with my daughter, when I feel guilty because I was working and not playing with her. I think forgiving me will allow me be more present the time I have to spend with her. To play with her full of love and no full of guilty.
I find I’m not ready to share
I had a situation where I admitted to something I did not do just so that person would get off my back. It totally blew up in my face and has lasted for years. Trying to make amends for something I never did has been emotionally exhausting and difficult. I feel very regretful of my actions but mostly to myself. I have caused myself lots of anguish and emotional pain which leads to anger towards the person who I tried to please. Saying it’s not my fault helps release some of this self-hatred. Thank yo7.
Very impactful information…my clients can benefit for sure…thank you!
My healing: My wife of 3 separate marriages over 44 years died a ghastly premature death one year ago. She basically went insane. She was devoted to me. In the lat 10 years, she became more and more angry, violent. Domestic Violence!! Extreme assault and battery, unspeakable psychological torment.
I have blamed myself for not loving her, apathy. I suffer PTSD and a laundry list of shame, guilt, and anger, harking back to feeling the reenactment of childhood shame and fear. Work in progress. Thank You
Thank you Tara Brach! I listen to your podcasts & meditations frequently.
I’ve held so much anger and grief toward a family member who did not treat me with love or respect. What I have missed out on by not getting that. But I feel now that I am beginning to be that friend to myself. That she is incapable, clearly, or at least, won’t change on my timeline. But I am capable. And I can reflect on my own hurt child and adult self and feel that her incapacity is not my fault. (Nor hers.) The tension of wanting her love and waiting for it dissolves. Now I can be free to love myself. Being angry at her was holding me back from loving myself.
forgiving myself is becoming the greatest gift I will ever give myself! since I have been back in Delaware and sober I have been doing what I like to call picking up the million little pieces. This evolved reaching out to those I wanted to apologize to for the interactions they had with me while I was in active addiction and it had been very liberating for my heart! Like I was unhooking carabiners that where holding figurative parachutes that were slowing me down! The people that choose to respond to me also said it was very liberating for them too!
Your saying “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief” resonated deeply with me, and with what I’ve seen in my clients. Many thanks!
This is a very powerful teachings from Tara Brach on how to overcome your negative emotions and how we react to it. Often when we encounter such situations we react with self judgement that we are inadequate. Thank you very much for enlightening us through acceptance, followed by skills such as mindfulness, self compassion and forgiveness.
Raj Murthy
Morale.murthy@gmail.com
This was a very simple and compassionate approach to working with anger and shame. I love Tara Brach’s approach. I will continue in this mission of self compassion work with clients which feeds into RAIN. Thank you Tara.
I often work.with clients who are in the dying process! Many of them can’t let go no matter how much they are suffering or how much pain they are causing their families! Almost always they have unfinished business! Most often they are holding feelings of shame and worthless ! Helping them get in touch with past experiences is being shamed by others allows then to forgive themselves and feel free! Mindfulness is a powerful tool and practice to help !
If I forgive myself, I might be less defensive.
Daily forgiveness feels like a necessary practice along my daily gratitude. I’m always aware that I can do better, but that I’ve also done the best I can.
I struggle to forgive myself, or forget hurting others, whether or not they know or suspect me of any indiscretion, or hurtful action, in the same way I struggle to commit to meditation, or mindfulness.
Thank you, this is a great technique that focuses on what truly matters, healing what is underneath automatic response behaviors passed down over generations.
Very interesting & useful for my practice.
Great teaching. Thank you for your deep and heartfelt insights. Really helps me to better understand the inner critic of my clients.
Sometimes I am lost and lose my self in thinking….
The “shoulds” , the “have too’s thinking”…..
Be good …..be kind…..think of others before your self…..
I am learning to recognize these thoughts and realize they are not true.
Be kind and good to myself so I am able to be present for others.
Thank you for the opportunity to reflect and share my experience.
Very insightful as always. And indeed, connecting to the needs and grief below, can really help for getting clarity on what is really going on, and from there, easier access to self-compassion, and improve relationships. Thank you so much for this!
What a wonderful precious gift dear Tara! Thank you from all my heart!
Seeing yoursef through the eyes of a loving kind friend can bring surprising changes in one`s attitude towards oneself. One time is not enough, you have to continue, to practise every single day….
I feel like saying it’s “not your fault” gives people a pass to commit all kinds of harms. I guess I get stuck in my victim & focus on my abuser in this space. So if I cannot forgive him then how can I forgive myself for “lesser” harms? Seems like the self judgement keeps me “in line”. I can see how it can just be a vicious cycle. In my adult I can see how these exercises will help & I have had some success with this in the past. It is my teenager & little girl who don’t believe it will keep them safe quite yet.
I think this has the potential to release some of the negative energy that holds us back when we are not pleased with ourselves, particularly if we have harmed others as a result.
Thanks for this thoughtful exercise and lesson.
After placing my hand over my heart, I relaxed a bit as I thought about both forgiving myself and continuing to move forward with practicing more awareness, listening and compassion……..
I also feel unrespected and I’m sure I’m really not worth it… it’s very difficult to believe that it’s not my fault altough I can’t name specific reasons for calling me a bad person. But now I started to say stop if my thoughts go in this direction.
Thank you Tara!
This is so common amongst my clients, thank you!
It is true we judge ourselves more harshly than we do others. Taking the time to mindfully feel compassion for and forgive this vulnerable broken part that we carry within us heavy as a stone, is very freeing and peaceful. It leaves space within us to grow.
Your teachings are so helpful as you address the difficulties full on. What came up for me is the knowing what I feel guilty for but somehow realising that I’m detached from the consequences and therefore detached from mySelf. When you asked us to forgive ourselves I found it very hard to connect to being and sensing that forgiveness.
Big work ahead xxxxxx
Very useful perspective and advice
This will help me help at least one of my clients who deals with shame and guilt.
Genuine forgiveness is the greatest gift we can extend to ourselves. Judgement just brings further pain. Forgiveness releases hope
I’ve had a fractured relationship with my daughter. I’ve been a Vipassana meditator for years however. I left home at 17 due to violent alcoholic father. No relationship with other family members due to his violence. I became a single parent at 35 and dev eloped ovarian cancer at age 39 which I survived, however, not having family in our lives caused much stress and financial strife. Because of the abusive relationship with her father I remained alone working and going to school at the College of St. Catherine…no family contact. I too was isolated within the college community as a single parent on welfare. I received honors for my poetry and prose however, never felt good enough. My daughter is divorced with three lovely children, two girls 14 and 17 and a boy 12. I feel shame and guilt for how I was focused on her father (unavailable) for the first 3 years of her life and therefore feel responsible for her behavior. She’s a recovering alcoholic (4 years) at 43 now smokes. She doesn’t seem to have the capacity to show love, either for others…even her children. She’s now a workaholic! She avoids me, however, says she loves me…I don’t feel it. It’s as though I’m already dead to her. I’m 80 years old and wish to have a loving relationship with my daughter and grandchildren. My grandchildren are warm and loving, however, I sense a strain when I’m present.
Interesting learning concepts about self-hatred, requiring self-forgiveness to self-acceptance.
The point raised about how self hate, shame and guilt only further contract our being and sense of purpose and goodness is indeed poignant and useful, especially when it is raised as a question.
If I could forgive myself perhaps I could find an opening to reach out out to my adult daughter and eventually we could forgive each other. We are very estranged.
Thank you very much for reminding us about self forgiveness after some outrage, mild or strong, it has to do with dispair. Blessings
I particularly liked the link between shame and guilt, self hatred and aggression. Too often I have seen men, in particular, vilified for it. Take Will Smith this past week. Very few comments, if any, in the media about his own inner struggles, beliefs, shame, self loathing, etc., that moved him to act out. Yes, abuse us abuse. But…what drives it internally. Many men do feel deep shame afterwards. Often they describe it as “an out of body experience “. Thank you.😊
“Self-punishment plants the seeds for future behavior.”
This statement is so true, and unfortunately we humans are masters at self-punishment! Acceptance, surrender & due diligence are necessary to escape this old paradigm.