Forgiving myself and having compassion for myself softens my heart which can then be vulnerable with others and in so doing develop deep connection and belonging.
I did bring to mind a relationship where I was constantly self-judging and hurting but I believe he also had these same pattterns of self-hate for things happening outside the relationship. When I would tell him it wasn’t his fault, he wouldn’t accept it and we were both struggling with feelings of guilt and blame, which made the relationship harder and harder.
As I’ve said before I’m not a professional but only a practitioner for 60 days straight of mindfulness. However these videos speak to me about what I need to go through my self because I have things that I need to forgive and I need to begin building friendships because now my only real friendship is with a friend who lives 147 mile away so we cannot see each other. I’m 58 years old and I have deep need for healing and personal growth and mindfulness is helping but I feel the need for more.
Dru West, Marriage/Family Therapy, Petaluma , CA, USAsays
I think this is such an important key to a kinder and fuller life. One of my favorite sayings is that anger is hurt’s umbrella. But helping people be kinder to that hurt or abandoned part of themselves is often such a challenge. I don’t know how hearing “It’s not your fault” when they have done something deliberately hurtful will go over. But certainly looking at the root causes and the limited choices people developed out of a lack of learning other choices will help them be kinder to themselves.
Cheryl Thomsen, Another Field, Scottsdale, AZ, USAsays
I was carefully taught self judgement and guilt and they have lingered in my life. Learning to forgive and holding myself with kindness and compassion will be another step that I look forward to… so I can be more compassionate and loving to others
I have had shame and guilt that I can’t heal from my long-term, severe trauma quickly enough… like “You’re not being abused anymore… so what’s the problem. Move on and help others!”
Yet, I KNOW that’s not true… I don’t feel that way toward people that I come alongside in their healing. I seem to go to a different “place” when working with them, but can’t seem to come to that same “place” toward myself… not fully anyway.
This teaching has opened my eyes more to be compassionate toward myself, so that I am even better able to be compassionate toward others.
Thank you Tara, for the wisdom and lovingkindness that permeates all of your teachings.
Thankyou for the metaphor of the “ocean and waves” in a context of awareness of brain part activation since, for me, this motivates me to activate the prefrontal cortex in order to manage deep emotions … to lessen their strength … a moment to pause and from a Sage perspective choose how to respond.
Of particular value are the 3 processes of mindfulness, self compassion, often linked together, and forgiveness. For me, the latter is most challenging as I want to numb the strong feelings of unworthiness. The emotion of humility arises in asking for self-@forgiveness and leads to connecting with my inner vulnerability.
Thank you for your insight, Tara, and wealth of wisdom.
I believe that Iike most humans, avoid thinking of painful or neg experiences/memories, but when you asked for us to recall past relationship where we felt self blame, it felt more liberating…
Tara you are an incredible gift to our world. Thank you for the particular gift you are and have been to me today and over the years.
Blessings of gratitude, peace and hope. Xx
Sue. NZ
Ellen Ma, Nursing, Forest Hills, New York , NY, USAsays
Forgiveness opens the heart. Learning to forgive myself is a practice I need to keep practicing. When I am able to forgive myself I
feel a sense of peace. I am kinder towards myself and towards others.
My experience in the closing exercise provided a softening around an objective view of myself. My friend has expressed ongoing forgiveness and compassion towards me and now it’s up to me to continually set myself free!
I feel as if, for my whole life, i have sat in judgement on myself and not fared well because of this. Trying to be kinder on myself. One step at a time!
Thank you for these beautiful teachings.
I am so glad I listened and I admire your work very much. It is a gift to be awakened to one’s inner voice and to forgive past mistakes by ourselves and others. I find that it helps to ask for forgiveness of people who I am close to when I feel the urge to. It allows for emotional healing to be more real and rapid. I like the steps and neuroscience you shared about the ways these efforts translate into our healing.
Deborah Basya Kerchner MS, RDN, LDN
I think my my guilt and shame regarding a betrayal, my continuing struggle to forgive myself for that time period, has kept me from living fully NOW. I do practice daily gratitude, I know I am blessed in so many ways – and the events of more than two decades ago now, were part of what led me to my current blessings. But I still carry that regret.
Can the friend say: “It’s not your fault”, when I consciously did it and not in the heat of the moment. By “consciously” I think of that I knew in that moment that it was not right what I’m doing but did it nevertheless. I find it very difficult to see the real reason and I have to deeply think about.
A reminder that we need to love ourselves in order to love others. We need to be kind and forgiving with ourselves in order to be kind and forgiving with others.
Thank you Tara for your wise and generous guidance.
I have to sit with this for a while, when I first did this practice my initial reaction was confusion. I will keep repeating it until my self allows to hear those words ‘it is not your fault’.
Thank you. I have been practicing the last session, listening to my negative voice and allowing it rather than pushing it into shame, it feels good!
Any techniques on soothing the inner self would be most helpful . I am now retired, but I see many people in retirement still suffering, angry, outspoken, critical. They undermine the life of a community as well as their own lives and relationships.
Kathy Perryman, Nutrition, San Diego , CA, USAsays
At first when I did the exercise of thinking of a relationship that I struggled with, I couldn’t think of one tight away, but I did and felt better that I was able to put into words, it isn’t my fault. I had already accepted three relationship as it was, but now knowing that it isn’t my fault I can also forgive the other person and accept them for who they are. Thank you for this exercise
Thank you for sharing this. It reinforced how powerful it is when an observer perspective can throw light on our current situation. The fact that we are all interconnected and can influence and impact each other, is important to acknowledge. Thank you, again.
This short guide from Tara is full of useful insights to help clients find their own way of dealing with shame and self-forgiveness. The simple, but powerful words of “It’s not your fault” resonate with many clients to lessen self-criticism and build awareness which in time leads to change. Excellent and thanks Tara.
I found the it’s not my fault part quite difficult-I find easier to be kind to a friend. However, the particular situation I was thinking of was difficult so I can see that you do your best with what you have at that time.
This is helpful. Never thought about putting the shoe on the other foot… the part about how the other feels when they feel bad for hurting someone else.
My husband is no longer living for me to practice self forgiveness and witness how it may improve my relationship, but I can envision that forgiving myself and turning off self criticism deepens my breath and gives a feeling of relief. This would help my clients open up to themselves rather than being closed down. By contacting the feelings, this opens one up to allowing intimacy.
Anonymous, Social Work, East Brunswick , NJ, USAsays
How can we help clients deal with not only shame and self hatred, but also the additional layers of grief, substance abuse and the cycles of abusive patters that all converge to solidify the self hatred and avoidance of emotional pain that prevents the acknowledgement necessary for self forgiveness?
Forgiveness is something I’ve struggled with for years. It seems I do not want to let go of the belief that if I punish myself for my mistakes, somehow that will lessen my guilt. Of course it does nothing but make me more entrenched in guilt and sadness. When I offered myself compassion, it was emotional – upsetting. I know I would not treat a friend or family member with the anger I have toward myself for my mistake. This will need to be something I continue to work on.
Victoria Gaedke, Counseling, Westland , MI, USAsays
The relationships I had unworthiness was total defense, feeling unloved, hopelessness. I h have been working on self-forgiveness & can use some techniques.
I love this, thank you. My husband has had anger problems. I used to tell him that he was a Jekyll & Hyde person and that I could never know when his anger mismanagement would transform him into an raging bull. I explained that I would leave him if he didn’t learn how to manage his rage. I’d had enough of walking on egg shells and feeling abused by his unpredictable anger. He chose to start working on himself. Me … I’m working on forgiving myself for hurting those I hurt and for not knowing sooner how to manage my husband. I’ll try the “It’s not my fault” exercise. I’ve invited my husband to listen to these short videos as well as I believe they will resonate with him. Thank you.
Thank you Tara,
Does this apply to alcoholics? I have a husband of an alcoholic coming to my salon. He is suffering, however, I see her suffering the most.
It’s always about what is behind the alcoholism.
He doesn’t understand empathy, therefore making things worse. Without GOOD professional help, he struggles & probably is making her worse with interrogating questions. For Example: What are you confused about? What can I say to him?
Diana North (practitioner in the self-help field) Beautician/Musician
As I did the suggested exercise, I realized if I truly forgave myself for a failing it would allow me to feel more open to talking honestly and sensitively about an incident and a troubled personal relationship. I could also express my regret without so much concern of taking on an outsize amount of blame – even when the other person involved has a habit of blaming others, I would be able to hold (more) steady in the face of however they respond.
Griselda Pineda, Counseling, Murrieta , CA, USAsays
Forgiveness can assist in developing realistic expectations for self and others. It can lead to authentic relationships were good and not so good can coexist without judgment.
“Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” “When we strike out at ourselves or others, we are often trying to avoid our suffering and we are also missing out on our healing.” I am slowly starting my journey on meditation and self-compassion and this quotation seems to capture well some of my habits/identities. I hope I learn the tools to unlearn habits
Only was able to get the first 2 videos to play on my phone and that was difficult. However it was well worth all the effort! I listened to both videos several times because the ideas were foreign and hard to absorb. I dissociate easily. I’m a patient not a therapist. I’m so grateful to learn this info that I can apply to my healing. I’ve been in counseling for 35 years now and still struggling with anger and self acceptance. I’ve done EMDR and Pixelization etc. All helpful but not successful enough to stop me from wanting to die. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and I’m allergic to all antidepressants and most other prescription drugs. Herbs are just as Intolerated and even more potent than drugs. So I’m quite a challenge for my Drs!! Thank you so much for making this information available to me! Tara, God bless you and your work.
Tricia 😊
Forgiving myself and having compassion for myself softens my heart which can then be vulnerable with others and in so doing develop deep connection and belonging.
When I realized that I hate a certain person I felt more responsiblity, more capacity and a stronger will to make the best of our relationship.
I did bring to mind a relationship where I was constantly self-judging and hurting but I believe he also had these same pattterns of self-hate for things happening outside the relationship. When I would tell him it wasn’t his fault, he wouldn’t accept it and we were both struggling with feelings of guilt and blame, which made the relationship harder and harder.
As I’ve said before I’m not a professional but only a practitioner for 60 days straight of mindfulness. However these videos speak to me about what I need to go through my self because I have things that I need to forgive and I need to begin building friendships because now my only real friendship is with a friend who lives 147 mile away so we cannot see each other. I’m 58 years old and I have deep need for healing and personal growth and mindfulness is helping but I feel the need for more.
I think this is such an important key to a kinder and fuller life. One of my favorite sayings is that anger is hurt’s umbrella. But helping people be kinder to that hurt or abandoned part of themselves is often such a challenge. I don’t know how hearing “It’s not your fault” when they have done something deliberately hurtful will go over. But certainly looking at the root causes and the limited choices people developed out of a lack of learning other choices will help them be kinder to themselves.
I was carefully taught self judgement and guilt and they have lingered in my life. Learning to forgive and holding myself with kindness and compassion will be another step that I look forward to… so I can be more compassionate and loving to others
I have had shame and guilt that I can’t heal from my long-term, severe trauma quickly enough… like “You’re not being abused anymore… so what’s the problem. Move on and help others!”
Yet, I KNOW that’s not true… I don’t feel that way toward people that I come alongside in their healing. I seem to go to a different “place” when working with them, but can’t seem to come to that same “place” toward myself… not fully anyway.
This teaching has opened my eyes more to be compassionate toward myself, so that I am even better able to be compassionate toward others.
Thank you Tara, for the wisdom and lovingkindness that permeates all of your teachings.
Thankyou for the metaphor of the “ocean and waves” in a context of awareness of brain part activation since, for me, this motivates me to activate the prefrontal cortex in order to manage deep emotions … to lessen their strength … a moment to pause and from a Sage perspective choose how to respond.
Of particular value are the 3 processes of mindfulness, self compassion, often linked together, and forgiveness. For me, the latter is most challenging as I want to numb the strong feelings of unworthiness. The emotion of humility arises in asking for self-@forgiveness and leads to connecting with my inner vulnerability.
Thank you for your insight, Tara, and wealth of wisdom.
It would softener and open me more too all the blessings in the moment ..
Increase connection, deep listening and caring ..
Thank you Tara 💓🙏🏻
I believe that Iike most humans, avoid thinking of painful or neg experiences/memories, but when you asked for us to recall past relationship where we felt self blame, it felt more liberating…
Tara you are an incredible gift to our world. Thank you for the particular gift you are and have been to me today and over the years.
Blessings of gratitude, peace and hope. Xx
Sue. NZ
Forgiveness opens the heart. Learning to forgive myself is a practice I need to keep practicing. When I am able to forgive myself I
feel a sense of peace. I am kinder towards myself and towards others.
Thanks for your insights and skill set in this clip that is effective. I will employ it personally as well.
My experience in the closing exercise provided a softening around an objective view of myself. My friend has expressed ongoing forgiveness and compassion towards me and now it’s up to me to continually set myself free!
Very nicely done. As a therapist, modeling compassion and empathy, is also critical to fostering change for a patient.
I feel as if, for my whole life, i have sat in judgement on myself and not fared well because of this. Trying to be kinder on myself. One step at a time!
Very inspirational, really want to try thanks a million
Thank you for these beautiful teachings.
I am so glad I listened and I admire your work very much. It is a gift to be awakened to one’s inner voice and to forgive past mistakes by ourselves and others. I find that it helps to ask for forgiveness of people who I am close to when I feel the urge to. It allows for emotional healing to be more real and rapid. I like the steps and neuroscience you shared about the ways these efforts translate into our healing.
Deborah Basya Kerchner MS, RDN, LDN
I think my my guilt and shame regarding a betrayal, my continuing struggle to forgive myself for that time period, has kept me from living fully NOW. I do practice daily gratitude, I know I am blessed in so many ways – and the events of more than two decades ago now, were part of what led me to my current blessings. But I still carry that regret.
Tara’s work is so powerful and inspirational. I love sharing her wisdom with my clients.
So wonderfully said, explained and inviting. Can’t AIT to try it alone!
Can the friend say: “It’s not your fault”, when I consciously did it and not in the heat of the moment. By “consciously” I think of that I knew in that moment that it was not right what I’m doing but did it nevertheless. I find it very difficult to see the real reason and I have to deeply think about.
I would feel better about myself and able to connect with others.
Thank you for this deeply inspiring presentation. Very healing, This will help me be more compassionate to others.
A reminder that we need to love ourselves in order to love others. We need to be kind and forgiving with ourselves in order to be kind and forgiving with others.
Thank you Tara for your wise and generous guidance.
I have to sit with this for a while, when I first did this practice my initial reaction was confusion. I will keep repeating it until my self allows to hear those words ‘it is not your fault’.
Thank you. I have been practicing the last session, listening to my negative voice and allowing it rather than pushing it into shame, it feels good!
When I tried the exercise, I found that my compassion for myself immediately led me to compassion for the other. Thanks
Forgiving others completely, would help me to more deeply forgive others, especially those I feel strongly have misjudged or insulted me.
Any techniques on soothing the inner self would be most helpful . I am now retired, but I see many people in retirement still suffering, angry, outspoken, critical. They undermine the life of a community as well as their own lives and relationships.
Thank you
At first when I did the exercise of thinking of a relationship that I struggled with, I couldn’t think of one tight away, but I did and felt better that I was able to put into words, it isn’t my fault. I had already accepted three relationship as it was, but now knowing that it isn’t my fault I can also forgive the other person and accept them for who they are. Thank you for this exercise
Thank you for sharing this. It reinforced how powerful it is when an observer perspective can throw light on our current situation. The fact that we are all interconnected and can influence and impact each other, is important to acknowledge. Thank you, again.
This short guide from Tara is full of useful insights to help clients find their own way of dealing with shame and self-forgiveness. The simple, but powerful words of “It’s not your fault” resonate with many clients to lessen self-criticism and build awareness which in time leads to change. Excellent and thanks Tara.
Thank you Tara for sharing your wisdom with us 😉 I really apreciate you sharing your knowledge about shame & guilt! Love,Solange
I found the it’s not my fault part quite difficult-I find easier to be kind to a friend. However, the particular situation I was thinking of was difficult so I can see that you do your best with what you have at that time.
This is helpful. Never thought about putting the shoe on the other foot… the part about how the other feels when they feel bad for hurting someone else.
My husband is no longer living for me to practice self forgiveness and witness how it may improve my relationship, but I can envision that forgiving myself and turning off self criticism deepens my breath and gives a feeling of relief. This would help my clients open up to themselves rather than being closed down. By contacting the feelings, this opens one up to allowing intimacy.
I hold myself to such high standards. Impossible in fact. So I hold others that way.
Are there ways to overcome toxic guilt and shame when they are induced by outside forces such as society and stigma?
How can we help clients deal with not only shame and self hatred, but also the additional layers of grief, substance abuse and the cycles of abusive patters that all converge to solidify the self hatred and avoidance of emotional pain that prevents the acknowledgement necessary for self forgiveness?
Forgiveness is something I’ve struggled with for years. It seems I do not want to let go of the belief that if I punish myself for my mistakes, somehow that will lessen my guilt. Of course it does nothing but make me more entrenched in guilt and sadness. When I offered myself compassion, it was emotional – upsetting. I know I would not treat a friend or family member with the anger I have toward myself for my mistake. This will need to be something I continue to work on.
The relationships I had unworthiness was total defense, feeling unloved, hopelessness. I h have been working on self-forgiveness & can use some techniques.
Thank you,
Victoria
I love this video because I believe… and this my answer to your question:
love the other as yourself…
I found that Tara Brach’s RAIN workshop was most helpful and I’d like to learn more about her methods and systems.
I love this, thank you. My husband has had anger problems. I used to tell him that he was a Jekyll & Hyde person and that I could never know when his anger mismanagement would transform him into an raging bull. I explained that I would leave him if he didn’t learn how to manage his rage. I’d had enough of walking on egg shells and feeling abused by his unpredictable anger. He chose to start working on himself. Me … I’m working on forgiving myself for hurting those I hurt and for not knowing sooner how to manage my husband. I’ll try the “It’s not my fault” exercise. I’ve invited my husband to listen to these short videos as well as I believe they will resonate with him. Thank you.
Thank you Tara,
Does this apply to alcoholics? I have a husband of an alcoholic coming to my salon. He is suffering, however, I see her suffering the most.
It’s always about what is behind the alcoholism.
He doesn’t understand empathy, therefore making things worse. Without GOOD professional help, he struggles & probably is making her worse with interrogating questions. For Example: What are you confused about? What can I say to him?
Diana North (practitioner in the self-help field) Beautician/Musician
As I did the suggested exercise, I realized if I truly forgave myself for a failing it would allow me to feel more open to talking honestly and sensitively about an incident and a troubled personal relationship. I could also express my regret without so much concern of taking on an outsize amount of blame – even when the other person involved has a habit of blaming others, I would be able to hold (more) steady in the face of however they respond.
Forgiveness can assist in developing realistic expectations for self and others. It can lead to authentic relationships were good and not so good can coexist without judgment.
“Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” “When we strike out at ourselves or others, we are often trying to avoid our suffering and we are also missing out on our healing.” I am slowly starting my journey on meditation and self-compassion and this quotation seems to capture well some of my habits/identities. I hope I learn the tools to unlearn habits
Only was able to get the first 2 videos to play on my phone and that was difficult. However it was well worth all the effort! I listened to both videos several times because the ideas were foreign and hard to absorb. I dissociate easily. I’m a patient not a therapist. I’m so grateful to learn this info that I can apply to my healing. I’ve been in counseling for 35 years now and still struggling with anger and self acceptance. I’ve done EMDR and Pixelization etc. All helpful but not successful enough to stop me from wanting to die. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and I’m allergic to all antidepressants and most other prescription drugs. Herbs are just as Intolerated and even more potent than drugs. So I’m quite a challenge for my Drs!! Thank you so much for making this information available to me! Tara, God bless you and your work.
Tricia 😊