This was very helpful and I especially liked the idea of viewing yourself through the eyes of a caring friend. I will definitely use this with clients.I also find it true that self hatred, guilt and shame hinder our relationships with others and self forgiveness promotes closeness with others and forgiveness toward others.
James Noce, Ph.D, ABPP, Psychology, Daytona, FL, USAsays
Lovely video! I believe that behind anger and intimidation there are almost always feelings of vulnerability. In the past, I worked with combat veterans for nearly forty years. In combat, they were keenly aware that giving into feelings of fear and helplessness would almost guarantee their ending up in body bags. Consequently, upon returning home, almost any event that invited feelings of fear and helplessness, would also provoke anger. I had several combat vets who, for whatever reason, were unable to put a nail in the wall and hang-straight a picture (5-minute job). This provoked feelings of helplessness, and then the hammer got used to put a hole in the wall (“There, after all, I am not helpless.”). The only drawbacks, of course, was that the five-minute job then got turned into a 90-minute-or-more job, plus increased feelings of not-liking oneself. And, of course, anyone witnessing the event, would conclude the vet was “nuts,” when, in fact, (based on his/her combat experience), he/she was actually behaving quite reasonably – jsn
I have often been critical of my spouse and even using anger to shame him! Recently I’ve worked to say to myself “choose again”, but remain upset and dismayed at what I’ve done. This tool of forgiving myself is at odds with my practice. Your saying that vengeance is a lazy substitute for grief makes sense. My friends encourage me to have compassion for myself. Now I need to do that!
Thank you for allowing us to view these videos. Self compassion, forgiveness, self-love…these are important steps that we must take for our healing. It’s easy to engage in self-judgement and criticism.
I need to be kind and compassionate to myself when I fail or struggle. I have been hard on myself and felt inadequate. I want to learn to be supportive and nurturing to my hurting self.
I am discovering how freeing it can be to show the same compassion and forgiveness toward myself as I would to any other human being. Thank you for your work, I am very grateful.
I often feel ‘not enough’ and with that comes guilt and shame. I love the idea of being with the thoughts, then feelings and adding the self compassion as we would to a friend or loved one.
When I am genuinely able to forgive myself, I allow myself a new possibility in engaging with others without the hang ups of my past angst damaging the relationship….
Self forgiveness can help an individual feel better, self regulate and change their intensity of anger and improve self control. I’ve tried it and it brings calm and deep and positive self reflection . Thanks
I’m confused. If I tell myself I am not to blame, then it seems I am not taking responsibility for my actions. I can understand that I need to be compassionate and forgive myself. I benefit from the advice I would give a friend instead of beating up myself. How do I accept and embrace the part of me that hurts if I tell myself I am not to blame?
It is indeed good to get to know your conscience better, even if it seems harsh at times. Some call it your “Inside Helper”, once you get better acquainted.
It’s hard to have this mindset. But understanding the 3 steps can better improve my relationship. Life gets busy, but remembering to pause and go inward and understand what’s underneath this is all worth it to bring love and harmony in a relationship.
“When we strike out at ourselves or others we are often trying to avoid our suffering. And we’re also missing out on our healing.” This is so true and powerful! It made me think of the recent unfortunate incident at the Oscars involving Will Smith and Chris Rock.
I also loved the quote “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Underneath anger there’s always some deep sadness or grief…
I loved the words and expressions. As I listened I thot of the sacrament of reconciliation in my Catholic faith. Forgiveness for sins. Yes and for me to forgive myself with a sense of truth and authenticity not with in a lighthearted way but more like accepting my past hurtful behaviors with a spirit my truth to improve and be that person of courage I have always been so that I move beyond that person who could not see anything like self forgiveness as possible. I am now at that place and I can see more ahead not less. I thank God and I thank Tara for her
right on direction for me to see possibilities.
When I closed my eyes, the person that did come into mind is my husband. I practice mindfulness for over two years now. When we argue, I normally stop, feel my emotions and consequently less reactive. There were occasions it escalated. Work in progress.
I am looking forward to an ongoing practice of forgiving myself to be less reactive, take responsibility and a better relationship.
I forgave myself for what I did, but still don’t know how I can reach that person who I hurt. She will not talk to me. The friendship that was there is gone. That hurts.
Very lovingly presented. Because I know those who have been abused by partners, I did feel triggered by “It’s not your fault” applied to a man who’d been abusive with his anger at home and work. I can see his own childhood must have been frightening with his father’s angry outburst, and how the “It’s not your fault” would be helpful in his healing. But I wonder if there might be other words to say instead. For a traumatized victim of violent domestic abuse, it might be challenging to hear this salve given to the man in the video. I know your work with him was careful, gentle, and deliberate — yet a beloved family member who almost lost her life from abuse would be reeling. She was made to feel she was at fault for his anger, that he was entitled to be angry. Thank you for your open heartedness, Tara.
I’ve gained knowledge & useful tools to apply not only to those I care for but to myself! Thank you, for having compassion & for sharing so much need to know & understand information.
Namaste’
Laura G., RN
Mound, MN
Jennifer Kirshner, Counseling, Phoenix, AZ, USAsays
This was a beautiful and tender approach at touching the wounds of shame and guilt. I look forward to sharing this exercise with clients whom struggle with interpersonal skills and safe connection.
This was very helpful and I especially liked the idea of viewing yourself through the eyes of a caring friend. I will definitely use this with clients.I also find it true that self hatred, guilt and shame hinder our relationships with others and self forgiveness promotes closeness with others and forgiveness toward others.
Lovely video! I believe that behind anger and intimidation there are almost always feelings of vulnerability. In the past, I worked with combat veterans for nearly forty years. In combat, they were keenly aware that giving into feelings of fear and helplessness would almost guarantee their ending up in body bags. Consequently, upon returning home, almost any event that invited feelings of fear and helplessness, would also provoke anger. I had several combat vets who, for whatever reason, were unable to put a nail in the wall and hang-straight a picture (5-minute job). This provoked feelings of helplessness, and then the hammer got used to put a hole in the wall (“There, after all, I am not helpless.”). The only drawbacks, of course, was that the five-minute job then got turned into a 90-minute-or-more job, plus increased feelings of not-liking oneself. And, of course, anyone witnessing the event, would conclude the vet was “nuts,” when, in fact, (based on his/her combat experience), he/she was actually behaving quite reasonably – jsn
I have often been critical of my spouse and even using anger to shame him! Recently I’ve worked to say to myself “choose again”, but remain upset and dismayed at what I’ve done. This tool of forgiving myself is at odds with my practice. Your saying that vengeance is a lazy substitute for grief makes sense. My friends encourage me to have compassion for myself. Now I need to do that!
Thank you for allowing us to view these videos. Self compassion, forgiveness, self-love…these are important steps that we must take for our healing. It’s easy to engage in self-judgement and criticism.
Thank you, Tara
Extending self acceptance to myself is difficult however your words encourage me to sit and feel it.
Not sure I managed this excercise
There are some very excellent concepts in this video. Thank you, Tara! I will be using these with my clients.
Jane
Self acceptance doesn’t come easily to many of us. It is a gift we give ourselves. Thank you for encouraging us all Tara 🙏🏻
Thank you very much ! I enjoyed listening to you ! May you be happy nd healthy !
With Metta
A Buddhist Monk.
I need to be kind and compassionate to myself when I fail or struggle. I have been hard on myself and felt inadequate. I want to learn to be supportive and nurturing to my hurting self.
Thank you so much Tara💖
You can only have deeper relationships with others when you love yourself and forgive yourself, as my world opens up
I enjoyed listening to this video. thank you. Catherine
I am discovering how freeing it can be to show the same compassion and forgiveness toward myself as I would to any other human being. Thank you for your work, I am very grateful.
It was releasing
I often feel ‘not enough’ and with that comes guilt and shame. I love the idea of being with the thoughts, then feelings and adding the self compassion as we would to a friend or loved one.
When I am genuinely able to forgive myself, I allow myself a new possibility in engaging with others without the hang ups of my past angst damaging the relationship….
What an incredible concept. Clear, Simple and profound
Thank you Tara! So helpful this pause and respond to create a little bit of blue sky between our reactions.
Thank you for your good advices and help on the hard way of forgiving ourselves and others.
Self forgiveness can help an individual feel better, self regulate and change their intensity of anger and improve self control. I’ve tried it and it brings calm and deep and positive self reflection . Thanks
This is just the program I need
I’m confused. If I tell myself I am not to blame, then it seems I am not taking responsibility for my actions. I can understand that I need to be compassionate and forgive myself. I benefit from the advice I would give a friend instead of beating up myself. How do I accept and embrace the part of me that hurts if I tell myself I am not to blame?
It is indeed good to get to know your conscience better, even if it seems harsh at times. Some call it your “Inside Helper”, once you get better acquainted.
Forgiving myself, forgiving the other. Letting go of anger and hurt. Feel fulfilled and connected instead of filling the void with food and stuff.
Living with guilt has been lifelong. Forgiving is hard and transient, up and down. I keep feeling I’m not forgiven
I will repeat to myself it is not my fault. I am self-critical of not doing enough. It seems, I see it as, never enough.
Useful to improve relationship.
Can I share with someone else too?
They would be less reactive, which they can then interact from their highest self
Thank you, a useful exercise.
It’s hard to have this mindset. But understanding the 3 steps can better improve my relationship. Life gets busy, but remembering to pause and go inward and understand what’s underneath this is all worth it to bring love and harmony in a relationship.
“When we strike out at ourselves or others we are often trying to avoid our suffering. And we’re also missing out on our healing.” This is so true and powerful! It made me think of the recent unfortunate incident at the Oscars involving Will Smith and Chris Rock.
I also loved the quote “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Underneath anger there’s always some deep sadness or grief…
I wouldn’t feel like I have to scrutinize everything I do and say with that person.
I am a client myself, and forgiving myself is what I need right now for not returning phone calls of friendship from two special people in my life.
Thank you!
Genuinely forgiving yourself leads to better being able to forgive others
It was amazing Tara , and you break mindfulness so well .
All the Best,
Lori English, MSW
Beautiful story and I relate to it with an anger that I inherited from my father. This is very calming and reassuring for change
being able to forgive self opens them to being more forgiving to others , more compassionate and having kindness
My hand on my heart says I’ll support and protect you all ways and guide you to health Ng when we’ve been wrong
They would be less defensive and reactive….becoming more loving!!
This has been a loving and compassionate look at relationship to self & others…
I loved the words and expressions. As I listened I thot of the sacrament of reconciliation in my Catholic faith. Forgiveness for sins. Yes and for me to forgive myself with a sense of truth and authenticity not with in a lighthearted way but more like accepting my past hurtful behaviors with a spirit my truth to improve and be that person of courage I have always been so that I move beyond that person who could not see anything like self forgiveness as possible. I am now at that place and I can see more ahead not less. I thank God and I thank Tara for her
right on direction for me to see possibilities.
When I closed my eyes, the person that did come into mind is my husband. I practice mindfulness for over two years now. When we argue, I normally stop, feel my emotions and consequently less reactive. There were occasions it escalated. Work in progress.
I am looking forward to an ongoing practice of forgiving myself to be less reactive, take responsibility and a better relationship.
Thank you so much Tara, great wisdom. Namaste
Vengeance is a lazy form of grief! What an interesting insight!
I forgave myself for what I did, but still don’t know how I can reach that person who I hurt. She will not talk to me. The friendship that was there is gone. That hurts.
Very lovingly presented. Because I know those who have been abused by partners, I did feel triggered by “It’s not your fault” applied to a man who’d been abusive with his anger at home and work. I can see his own childhood must have been frightening with his father’s angry outburst, and how the “It’s not your fault” would be helpful in his healing. But I wonder if there might be other words to say instead. For a traumatized victim of violent domestic abuse, it might be challenging to hear this salve given to the man in the video. I know your work with him was careful, gentle, and deliberate — yet a beloved family member who almost lost her life from abuse would be reeling. She was made to feel she was at fault for his anger, that he was entitled to be angry. Thank you for your open heartedness, Tara.
Helping clients to forgive themselves is a powerful step towards more congruent relationships with others and living with integrity.
It helps to know that hurt people hurt people.
I’ve gained knowledge & useful tools to apply not only to those I care for but to myself! Thank you, for having compassion & for sharing so much need to know & understand information.
Namaste’
Laura G., RN
Mound, MN
This was a beautiful and tender approach at touching the wounds of shame and guilt. I look forward to sharing this exercise with clients whom struggle with interpersonal skills and safe connection.