Romance can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, but for many people it can also be quite a challenge.
Beyond the normal hurdles of developing and sustaining relationships, recent research suggests that childhood abuse and neglect might make people more vulnerable to troubled romantic relationships in adulthood.
Professor Golan Shahar and Dana Lassri, of Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Israel (BGU), conducted two studies with college students to see how early-life trauma and emotional abuse affect romantic relationships later in life.
Participants were asked to complete the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire to determine whether or not the participants had a history of Childhood Emotional Maltreatment (CEM).
Then, participants responded to questionnaires about both the quality of and their satisfaction with their current romantic relationship.
The researchers found a link between childhood emotional abuse and self-criticism, and a further link between childhood maltreatment, self-criticism, and dissatisfaction in romantic relationships.
Participants with a history of CEM tended to have low self-esteem and many also exhibited PTSD symptoms.
While many practitioners have already seen first-hand how unresolved childhood trauma can impact relationships throughout life, the key here is self-criticism.
It seems from this study that there’s a strong tendency to self-criticize in many people who’ve experienced CEM, and this is what leads to problems in intimate relationships.
This new connection between childhood trauma, self-criticism, and relationship problems may be a key factor in helping couples heal their relationship.
Please remember that because this is a non-randomized study with correlative findings, we have to be careful about the conclusions that we draw from it.
For the full story, you can check it out in the Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, volume 31, issue 3.
For practitioners, learning how to help trauma survivors connect with their loved ones is an important part of the healing process.
How have you seen trauma impact romantic relationships? Please leave a comment below.
Thank you for this article. I want nothing more than a rich and rewarding relationship with a significant other and friends, but I have an overwhelming instinct to push people away as far as possible.
Hi, I would like to know more about how childhood trauma & sexual abuse affects my choice of partners in the first place? I seem to have found relationships which only cause more trauma… Worse, I’ve been blinkered and even let it go, to keep the peace I suppose, rather than leave. I’m 50, done Alot of therapy over the years and I am still blindsided by certain behaviours… Then when the scales do fall away (it took 15 years this time) and I can see what’s going on, I just feel triggered, ashamed and all the other horrible feelings that go with it.. which includes many physical symptoms these days. Will I ever learn??
It can have a negative impact, on the woman who has suffered abuse since childhood, striving to make a relationship work to the full benefit for the whole family, not just for the husband/Vietnam Veteran. And what I’m realizing is this isn’t working. So I’ve decided to use detachment.
Thank You
Carolena
As result of childhood trauma, I believe that my Childhood Trauma, has pervasive effects on all areas of and throughout my the life cycle. Thus it effected my career choices, partner selection, relationship satisfaction and ability to maintain and enjoy relationships, parenting, grand parenting, friendships, retirement, community involvement, health etc over the lifespan.
Discovery of the effects, most of the time came in retrospect, which was too late to prevent problems to some extent. The results and awareness of the effects of trauma, also has left me with sadness about having lived with the perspective of fear and learning that life without that is a truly a different life.
The fact that the trauma is part of who I am, made me different that some people and have ongoing need to continued work of self acceptance, to help with regrets, and identifying positive aspects of life with gratitude.
My childhood trauma was more subtle than most we hear about. My parents were starting a business so they had little time for me. I have come to realize that I suffered from neglect. In therapy, I discovered a memory of being yelled at to leave the shop area and go back to my room when I was just a wee toddler. So my earliest memory is of being yelled at. 25-30 years later I was in an abusive marriage. He yelled and manipulated and made me cry a lot. My post divorce relationship was with a drug addict. I hoped I could help him and my heart was broken by his lies. I have recognized that I am codependent but I don’t feel worthy or “normal” in a “normal” relationship. I’m in therapy to reprocess childhood trauma. And hopefully heal for real!
send me more information please
Good afternoon Ruth,
Hoping you are in good health,
This article really connected, both in what is seen in some refugees
that have lived through “unwelcome experience”in their flight from War
Also my own experience in my childhood.
Thank you so much for sending this.
When A man accosted me while looking after younger siblings
and neighborhood children ,playing games in a park.
This man on a bike grabbed me and while i fought him off.
yelled at the children to go home and get help.
Well fortunately he lost, and I went home.
nobody came to help me.
when i made it home
my mom called me a dirty girl.
terrible experience
Later just after the war, a new neighbor who Mom trusted
was to chaperone us children to an outdoor theater performance
The seating was long benches.
Well he , a clergy man, several times put his hand on my breast
while i tried to get away from sitting next to him.
next day told my parents, and the neighbors moved
he had a “history” of abuse to children.
It has affected relationship in my marriage
my one and only boy friend and later husband.
Being very shy for one thing
Later in the marriage ,of over 25 years,
” practices “things we had never done before ! he insisted on it,
and i could not do these ways .
He complained that he could not do without certain “s
Doing work with refugees and tutoring in workshops/meeting on trauma
to volunteers this is more learning for me
Thank you for sharing your knowledge
I just went through 10’day Healing #metoo with Jennifer McLean. Was awesome and revealing
Healing replays are up. Went through similar experience but my mom did stand up and fought for me with teenagers and their foster mom. Yet they are long deceased and I allowed them to still have power over me from the grave. Researching myself in recovery 14 years+ There is Divine empowerment I hadn’t tapped into because I couldn’t see through the pain guilt shame. I’m so much better different level different layers revealed cjeansex and healed. Blessings to all You’re not alone
That’s cleansed and healed
This resonates deeply with me.
I was sexually and physically and emotionally abused by my father who had issues with alcohol and anger. I lived in a house for 17 years where I was permanently afraid. After my leaving my parents broke up because they couldn’t handle the dynamic when I was removed. And I began to drink heavily to cope with my life.
I disclosed my abuse to my mother aged 30 and to my horror she was unsurprised and largely unmoved.
At 38 years old I ended up in rehab for my alcoholism despite trying to control it for many years.
I have been in recovery for 2 years and I am trying slowly to understand and work through what happened to me. My mother does not want me to come out publically about my abuse for fear what people will think. Of her. And so I now have no contact with any family. Despite this, I am happier than I have ever been and I am safe and well. To the outside world I look like a normal functioning professional woman. I have kept my job and my friends and my life. And I hope for the day when all victims of familial sexual abuse and all forms of abuse may be able to speak openly without reprisals.
I am getting stronger and this is not yet the end of my story.
Wow this sounds like a carbon copy of my life. Thank you for sharing your story, I too have been receiving therapy from a very caring counsellor for 2 years. I was sexually abused by my father and my mother was n collusion with him and emotionslly absent. It is very hard to live with this especially as I then ended up in a 30 year long abusive marriage because I had no self esteem and no sense of personal boundaries so I got sucked into more abuse. Like you though I have maintained my career as a music teacher and have been a good mother to two beautiful children. I am out of the marriage and working towards my first ever real freedom but I know all the problems with my marriage were because I didnt learn what was acceptable and what wasnt as a child.
I agree with you – far more of this should be talked about, the sense of shame should be taken away and I so wish children could be taught about relationships and self esteem at school instead of useless academia.
Dear Tamsin
Thank you for replying and sharing. This is the first time I have ever written on a forum of this kind and shared my story and it felt like a scary thing to do but your support and identification makes me feel less alone. I know there are sadly, many many more stories like ours. Shame and guilt keeps us isolated but I am learning I can reach out to others and we can become stronger together.
I was in a 12 year relationship which broke up 4 yorars ago. And like you, I had no boundaries, no concept of them, no realisation that I was allowed to have my own wants. That I deserved to be treated with kindness.
I am so glad that you have escaped from your abusive marriage and wish and pray for healing and happiness as you look towards your future.
I do worry that although I am getting more well all the time that I will never be well enough to have a healthy happy relationship. My ex partner said he didn’t want children and so I didn’t realise I was allowed an opinion and now have none and am too old to have any.
But I try to focus on taking each day at a time and maybe one day I will meet someone to share my life. The struggle to maintain and build a good life after a traumatic start such as we have had is hard to explain to others. And I stand beside you in support and love. I believe we can recover. Our journey is not done.
My mom was living In Chaos when I was in her belly and she later married a man that would sexually abuse me. I married one Sex addict then a psychopath. I feel healthier now than ever but anresolvrd if I will ever be able to pick out a proper mate. I’m no longer in fear of being alone and the idea of remaining single is ok with me.
I felt unloved and unwanted by my workaholic father and abused by my mother. I learned early or so I thought, that I just needed to disappear and thought that I had to earn a right to be here on earth by seeing to other people’s needs and wants and not my own. I did not have a sense of pride, adopted all the criticism as true and essentially developed relationships with self-centered men who did not love me or value me. I think that I was drawn to help them and received little in return. The awful feeling of being unloved and unwanted led to of course several failed relationships.
I started therapy at the age of 21 and have continued intermittently over the years when I would burn out from overworking or caretaking. I used excessive work as an escape from my feelings and to try to have some sense of worthiness, along with alcohol and other substances. I managed to quit drinking for 23 years. The most recent problem came with retirement and an abusive relationship with yet another Narcissist, Sociopath.
Now antidepressants aren’t working; the tears are beginning to flow. My situation during childhood wounded me greatly and at times feel like giving up the quest for a healthy relationship. Its very painful. I realize that I have to value and love myself to attract a healthy relationship. I’m a Vintage work in progress.
I feel very sad after reading your message Donna and hope some of the newer methods we are learning from NICABM bring you closer to your joy. All the best with loving thoughts from Janeil
I too share your sadness. Your childhood issues sound similar to mine
And eventually age 52 I felt so lost that I found a fantastic counsellor. To thought my unhappiness was from my fathers abuse but she quickly helped me see that I was in a 30 year relationship with a narcissistic husband who had completely brainwashed me. It has been a long journey, I have spent 130 hours with this therapist and have done a lot of reading and writing on my own too but it has so been worth it. For the first time in 50 years I feel peaceful, worthy,and I have experienced spiritual reawakening. I never even dreamed it was possible to feel like this. I am in the process of divorcing my husband and I smell the freedom that I will get from that too. I do hope you will be able to find the support you need and find the better place that you do deserve.
dearest thank you for saying all your truths and pain. I am an adult child of an abussive alcoholic father and an undiagnosed abusive mother- she meant well yet doesnt believe in any mental illness or western medicine so when i was gang raped at a party at 14 it felt like the end. Every time I gain some footing i feel like all it takes is the slightest thing to set me off and i can cry and sob all day like someone has died. Its a strange feeling have so much love to give when no one wants it. I get into relationships too soon and am a complete sex addict as a result of my trauma…its very debilitating when its something thats supposed to be healthy but seems unhealthy when you have such a strong urge to have human contact, have love…nornal lol what i wouldnt do for an iota of it. Ive just been crying for weeks and my life is so f-ed up i feel like ill never see the light of love again. Even healthy guys Ive met I drive away like Ive developed coping by “let me push you away before you abandon me because its all a game of rejection” and i know its all a self sabotaging lie but sometimes i really do believe it and i just thought before i completely gave up i would try to talk to someone on here….??
Very recognizable! Important to find a way in which the selfblaming and selfcritizing mode of the clien can be felt conscious, and how this can undermine his of her selfworth and selfconfidence. And learn them about their own needs, wishes and bounderies in contact with other people and especcially in relationship with their spouse /partner.
What I see besides the self-criticism in the person who suffered early trauma, it is a constant critical attitude towards the partner, no trust in the partner, and a sense of being not satisfied in the relationship, constantly looking for someone “better”, situation that make more difficult to work on the relationship.
I’m currently working with a young man who is finding staying with and committing to a loving relationship with his girlfriend almost impossible despite his desire, on a logical level, for a happy, stable family life. He flirts often with alcohol and illegal drug use and described himself as ’emotionally devoid’ saying he feels he is incapable of feeling anything emotional. He spent his childhood from 3 years old negotiating a long distance relationship with his father where he saw him 5 or 6 times a year, travelling by air alone from the age of 5. Further exploration of this experience opened the door to tearful emotion which I expected him to describe as sadness – yet he eventually labelled the feeling ‘love’. How often did he travel isolated and alone wrestling with this pain and discomfort with no one to comfort or reassure him and how unsurprising he now finds it difficult to recognise and allow emotion into his life? Trauma impacts on all relationships, not only romantic ones.
In my own life, I have learned not to trust initial falling in love and value a deep sense of friendship and the potential. Emotional clarity is what I can trust, and the irony is usually I know right away if I can.
thank you for saying this i wish i could talk more with you- you seem to have a better grip pn your recovery what u said really resonated with me but what happens if example i have thes2’s epiphanies learn the lessons and am just paralyzed and forget all my tools on the spot or in the moment. I have a 186 IQ and im the emotionally dumbest person i know im sad to say i cant read people in fact my boyfriend just got mad dumped and blocked me today when things were great and i didnt want to hurt him i swear, i cant stop the tears anymore i cry almost 10x a day at least on a good day sometimes for hours and sometimes for mere minutes. I do have some issues but he has been the only healthy person i am soooo in love with still but i took his virginity and he liked me til he got to know me and my abusive mom and schizo violent were mean to him then later my brother stabbed me and he said he did love me but after all the drama he didnt feel the same way yet says that I am the best in bed some things i do intimately feel like heroine for him and same for me about him but then after we have one half of a romantic day he shuns ignores or pulls away until he wants something again. Im embarrassed and i need him back- has anyone used the no contact rule successfully? he says he will always be my friemd and love me because he was my first and would never not talk ro me forever just needs his space but i qondwr if its really over. its so hard i only trust him i only want him he was so good to me and i know he likes sex so maybe hell be back but how do i get him to want me back instead, chase me like in the beginning and love me again or does like theres no hope? idk anymore and i need him in my life…
Hi, yes I believe this to be very true. I my self went through Trauma from a very early age, to then an older teenager. I related to the world through the eyes of others, and my own perceptions of how I believed others saw me. I fell in love, had long relationships, nearly all of those were dysfunctional. I relived my own beliefs, and my life was chaotic and it fluctuated in extreme waves from ecstatic to deep depression and self loathing. I had many negative coping strategies. As you can see, my life and behaviours played a part in my relationships, as did my partners at that time. We reflected each other, and responded accordingly.
Self belief and child hood trauma impact on us and our interpersonal relationships, how we see the world, how we fit into that space and environment, and the ripple that causes. I inevitable met people that met my needs, and together reinacted out our belief systems and our fears. We continued to live in our familiar turmoil. It has taken along time to break this cycle, and I feel that I am on the road to recovery.
Experience creates us, in every fashion. And trauma compounds it. Learning to change, and recognising those events and behaviours are the first steps out. Working with it, and staying on that road are the challenges. Sometimes it may mean moving away from that partnership as well, so you can heal. One party can feel extremely neglected and abomdoned whilst the other moves emotionally into a new cycle. That in itself can become toxic and can halter the healing process.
For this to really work, you have to want to be better, and to keep on trying.
Thank you for this info Ruth.
I hAve been married for 21 years and in marriage counseling for 16 years or more.
We both come from large families with 7 children.
Neglect may pay a role in both of our childhoods.
All I know is that childhood trauma pops up again and again.
It’s deep.
Two adults I know faced childhood trauma from a parent. Both have “trust” issues, self esteem issues, communication issues, memory blurring, extended sleep causing neglect of responsibilities, and very limited social contact. The insecurity and fear in early years leaves an instability and lack of personality base to build character upon. Issues around “Trust” remain a key element toward difficulty in relationship building.
Yes. I think it is true to say that in all my clients with early trauma and high ACE’s experience the impact in their ability to connect with themselves and others, especially intimate partners.
Of course when we talk about this kind of thing we are really talking about attachment injuries, and I think it is fairly well accepted that chaotic or disorganised attachment issues are likely to arise from abuse in childhood.
This is something I have seen in my work with both individuals and couples.
I am a great believer in helping my clients through psycho education. This, as a first step, can be very empowering for individuals and especially for couples, just to know that you or your partner have a history that can at least go some way to explaining your current feelings and behaviour.
Dear Ruth,
Myself and my ex-husband both had childhood
trauma. My husband also suffered from sexual abuse.
I was able to do my work, yet my husband ended up
processing his emotional abandonment out on myself
and my children.
It is a lengthy story with heaps of twists and turns.
However, I agree with your insight. It sets one up for self
rejection.
I am now dealing with a son who sets himself up to distance
himself from the emotional support he needs from his family,
suffering from PTSD because of the outworking of the reflection
of his father upon him.
Would you like an encyclopaedia of observations?