Romance can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, but for many people it can also be quite a challenge.
Beyond the normal hurdles of developing and sustaining relationships, recent research suggests that childhood abuse and neglect might make people more vulnerable to troubled romantic relationships in adulthood.
Professor Golan Shahar and Dana Lassri, of Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Israel (BGU), conducted two studies with college students to see how early-life trauma and emotional abuse affect romantic relationships later in life.
Participants were asked to complete the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire to determine whether or not the participants had a history of Childhood Emotional Maltreatment (CEM).
Then, participants responded to questionnaires about both the quality of and their satisfaction with their current romantic relationship.
The researchers found a link between childhood emotional abuse and self-criticism, and a further link between childhood maltreatment, self-criticism, and dissatisfaction in romantic relationships.
Participants with a history of CEM tended to have low self-esteem and many also exhibited PTSD symptoms.
While many practitioners have already seen first-hand how unresolved childhood trauma can impact relationships throughout life, the key here is self-criticism.
It seems from this study that there’s a strong tendency to self-criticize in many people who’ve experienced CEM, and this is what leads to problems in intimate relationships.
This new connection between childhood trauma, self-criticism, and relationship problems may be a key factor in helping couples heal their relationship.
Please remember that because this is a non-randomized study with correlative findings, we have to be careful about the conclusions that we draw from it.
For the full story, you can check it out in the Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, volume 31, issue 3.
For practitioners, learning how to help trauma survivors connect with their loved ones is an important part of the healing process.
How have you seen trauma impact romantic relationships? Please leave a comment below.
That’s really interesting…I’ve always associated it with attachment injury. But the self criticism matches my clinical experience to some degree. But I wonder if other factors such as dissociation, embedded patriarchy in the client’s internal world, and general health issues because of cortisol depletion etc are equally relevant?
Becomes difficult to have relationships. Their are trust barriers. Feelings of danger, make you interpret situations negatively. You think you are protecting yourself. But in actuality, you are fending off those who want to love you.
Fear, Trust Issues, Self-Sabotage by either pushing away or cheating on a partner they actually love and who appears healthy and good to them, People who confuse drama w/ excitement and mistake calm for boring, Major Attachment Issues: the book Attached captures the behaviors beautifully.
Self-criticism makes for criticism of others and individuals who view their partner through a negative lens–always looking for the worst are guaranteed to project or help manufacture it when it doesn’t exist.
I have seen the effects of trauma on intimate relationships over and over again in my practice with Native Alaskans. Some of the dynamics that seem to be connected to childhood trauma are:
-multiple triggers for “black and white” reactions to stress- eg. he’s mad at me so I should (or he should) leave”
-inability to regulate emotions connected with relationship issues
-indecisiveness related to relationship issues- endless ruminating over what do, whether to stay or go, whether to say something to the partner, etc
excessive dependence on the relationship to validate self or, conversely, excessive independence that restricts intimacy
Relating my observations to this report, I can see how the development of self-criticism can lead one to seek from others what cannot be accessed within. That is why mindfulness training makes such a big difference- almost instant access to the genuine feelings, perceptions, and needs of the self
My question is, what is the best way to introduce mindfulness to clients who are used quick fixes (even though they don’t work). I work with many client who deal with their pain by taking a drink, swallowing a pill, or having a “procedure” in an attempt to erase pain the moment it arises.
BeI appreciate your citing of the research in your articles and the opportunity to express my views.
Beverly
yes, my husband was raised by his grandmother and mother while his father was away…war!! He criticizes me and our son constantly and has no self respect……….unless he is “wooing” someone new, man or woman he is a very gloomy, moody, difficult person to be around. How I would love to bring back that cheerful man I met over 70 years ago!
! talk to a wiser person…no, he will not……nothing wrong with me!! is his constant remark to my suggestions……….you are the crazy one, not me….is getting harder and harder to take. romance?? what romance? Makes me wonder why this relationship is still in existence!!
reading helps, AT LAST….my understand is that this is not my fault!!
keep up the wise work….I love it!!
Hi Elizabeth. I hear you. I was involved in a similar relationship for 18 years. And even in my present relationship, where there is no overt abuse, my husband and I deal continuously with the effects on our relationship of our mutual experience of childhood trauma. It is the biggest relationship challenge we have faced in our 16 years together. Something I have learned is that I cannot change another person and I cannot love him enough to make up for what he should have gotten in his early years. My focus needs to be on what I can do to live a healthier and happier life regardless of what he says or does because of his own inner pain. What that has translated to for me is to seek counseling or coaching for myself when I want extra support, to develop and maintain friendships that provide support that my partner is not able to give, and to practice mindfulness (which helps me be aware of the good around and within me as well as to sort out what to do something about and what to let go of). My personal transformation process helps me focus on the good in my marriage and it has enhanced my work with life coaching and counseling clients as well. Sending you many blessings…
Having suffered severe physical, emotional and mental abuse as a child I grew up believing I was a bad person.
As such I made terrible mistakes in my choice of romantic partnerships and have had 3 failed marriages as well as numerous relationship breakdowns from 16-50.
I underwent many hours of counseling to understand myself and why I sabotaged every relationship I ever had.
I have suffered from PTSD since childhood, and my self esteem right up until my 30’s was so low I only thought that everything in my failed relationships was always my own fault.
When one grows up in an unloving environment one tends to turn to the first person who comes along and shows as any form of affection, either sexually or mentally, to help us feel good about our selves.
Truth be told I had to be taught to see myself as a loving and caring person before I could see myself as being able to be loved by any one in a long term romantic situation.
I concur with your studies findings that people with low self esteem, PTSD, Anxiety Disorders and Childhood Emotional Maltreatment, are prime candidates for troubled, and failed relationship issues, until they receive appropriate Psycho Therapies to change the way they think about themselves
I have my issues. A father who left before I was 2.
Sexually molested by an uncle who fortunately was in military and gone most of the time.
It gets complicated however living with an extended family I didn’t self criticize.
I felt loved.
But the mate my mother later chose for me by not allowing me to date anyone else and I was young, proved disastrous.
He was arrogant and judgmental and critical. Emotionally unavailable. I finally left him. My whole family of origin had died, so it was terrifying for me. I moved far away. Then was single some years when I met someone I thought very different from him. It’s been a long term partnered relationship but I’ve learned he’s seen many different women two of whom thought they were engaged to him. He’s the slickest covert narcissist I can imagine. And he may be DID. He fools everyone. A charmer.
I don’t know what impacted him seriously. It’s iver my head to fathom. He complained of parents divorce when he was 12. He has to be praised continually. Won’t compromise at all. I’m trying to leave and this is extremely hard to do
I can’t find a Therapust who knows how to help and I’ve become isolated with no one to help me move etc. I need several kinds of help. But they don’t appear to exist.
I can handle a lot but I’m at my wits end.
His problems and my exes seem to be worse than mine. But it’s impacting me.
I need validation and confusion I’ve had is something most people can’t deal with. I was confused by his behavior for years. When I learned the truth I went into shock. I’m out now and facing what I have to do.
It’s so complicated. I have to first leave the house in his name. Then I have to take him to court.
This takes strength above and beyond what anyone can do all alone.
I’m very open to any kind of help.
Thank you.
Hi Molly,
I had some very similar experiences. What has helped most is getting to know myself (which does not happen automatically for someone who has experienced trauma). Unfortunately, it can be hard to find a good connection with a therapist. Just noticing and appreciating small things that make you feel a little better each day can actually, over time, re-train your brain to expect and act on opportunities for more good in your life.
Beverly
Hi Mollie, I struggled with a therapist until my Psychiatrist recommended I find a psychologist who specialises in Dialectic Behaviour Therapy DBT. It has really helped me move forward and manage my relationships a lot better.
Given my earlier connection between emotional regulations, attachment relationships in teaching self soothing, and complex trauma in children it would make sense that the impact of emotional maltreatment, emotional neglect, rejection and threats or feelings of abandonment by the person who is the attachment figure would have a life long impact on all other relationships. The attachment relationship in the first years of life not only teach emotional regulation and in particular self soothing but also provides the attachment behaviours that will be used in all future relationships. Thus a child who has learnt self criticism has had poor experience in self soothing, they have not been comforted during times of high stress and distress and have instead internalised the trauma as a sign that they are inadequate, undeserving, unlovable, unworthy. Simple soothing by an attachment figure calms the child and teaches then they are lovable, worthy, are able to find a place of safety and calm. Without this experience and role model all external stressors particularly from untrustable interpersonal relationships will take the person back to a method of self soothing that is self criticising….. this would not be happening if I was good, better behaved, more lovable. Thus attachment relationships, attachment styles and ability to self regulate with positive self soothing would be a primary focus in healing.
thank you , these articles and insight are great
My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive, my father was not engaged on any level. He was just there, physically. I was sexually molested by my step-grandfather. Both of my marriages were to men who were emotionally and psychologically abusive, and the first one was also physically abusive. From early childhood i suffered from zero self-esteem, lack of understanding me on any level, and never allowed to express my feelings – especially anger. My parents never fought openly but there was an iciness in my house with only rare displays of affection between them.
I understand now how both my parents, who grew up during the Great Depression, were doing the very best they could with what resources they had, which was really none. Both of them came from extremely dysfunctional, broken families and didn’t know how to overcome that.
I’ve done much work around letting go and forgiving. I am a work-in-progress, learning to value myself for the skills i have and the lessons learned in this life that help me to be of service to others facing similar situations.
I saw my Mother drunk and being hit by Dad and i let men use and abuse me.
The man I am involved with was sexually involved against his will at the age of 18 with much older woman. He approached me with the offer of being a boytoy and calls me Momma. His persona makes him insistent on stylized discourse emphasizing his youth (even though he is now fully adult in every other aspect of his life.) My persona keeps him from seeing me as an individual; I am a scaffold for restaging sexual acts which are indifferent to his reaction, and a body part which he fetishizes. The tension between desire and self-protection has made the process of meeting and acting out his masochistic compulsion very long, full of avoidant pauses. He has told me he wishes I had been the one to initiate his sexual experience.
I have pieced this together over time .Although I love him, I would love to help to neutralize his trauma so he can experience his genuine sexuality overshadowed by his compulsion, even if it means that his attraction to me would disappear.
My experience, both personally and professionally, is that if I continue to focus on how to change anyone else, I might as well bang my head on a wall, it is that self-destructive. Most likely your early adverse experiences also gave you some wonderful strengths- compassion, caring, emotional sensitivity, ability to handle very difficult situations. Why not turn your focus to developing those strengths and trust that if you need to make a change in this relationship, you will know when and how. I believe that we all have within us access to Inner Wisdom that can lead us. Sounds like a good time to tap into your own. Sending you light for your journey…
Beverly
Yes. I do see that. As a therapist who is very interested in attachment and patterns I look for it on purpose. Thanks for this article and I am about to google CEM to see if I can access it as I am not familiar with this tool Thank you.
I am a survivor of Childhood trauma of several kinds. It has taken me many years of healing via counseling, and helping others to realize that my childhood trauma, was the core reason for a destructive life in general, which included, 2 failed marriages, and substance abuse, as a form of self medication. I still get bouts of low self esteem, but today, I am able to recognize that some event, or perhaps time of year is triggering me. Please continue to share this information with people, as many of us don’t even know what is wrong in our lives.
Respectfully,
Denise
When adults who a child should depend on to lovingly raise them fail and betray them, children learn to rely on themselves. Learning to trust in another human is a key element in a successful romantic relationship and a skill a neglected child never learns.
I have certainly seen this in my life – my parents had an unhealthy and abusive relationship – my father was an alcoholic and certainly a binge drinker and my mother had emotional problems ever since she was a child – they had a life of chaos that carried over into things that I observed
I can remember as a young girl wanted to leave home at an early age – as young as 12 and I left before I graduated from high school – I never wanted to be like either one of them and of course I am like both of them and I even more wanted to not be like my mother and I’m like her in many ways so much of it has impacted my relationships
I am now happily married to my third husband but I was single between the ages of 27 and 52 after being married twice and divorced twice in my 20s
I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and credit that organization with helping me learn so much about myself and find out who I was and who I am
I also am a member of the coalition for survivors of domestic violence because after 10 years of sobriety I was in a domestic violence relationship – you can learn more about all of this in my new book that I will be launching in January 2016 – the book is entitled three husbands and 1000 boyfriends
I thank you for your writing and your involvement with these topics
God bless and happy new year
This book sounds perfect. Thanks for writing.
I was sexually abused as a child and was not wanted as a child. I have not been able to have a healthy relationship. I have now been divorced 25 years and have only had a few relationships. Very depressing.
Loved it. Of all your blogs I think this has probably been my favourite. Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Well put, I and many EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques) practitioners deal with this on a regular basis. Getting to the cause of the issue is always the best way to start and then the emotions can be dealt with as they arise.
Thank you for your work and sharing it with us all
In my work with combat veterans, I’ve found that trauma-induced self-criticism is a major factor in PTSD.
Oh my oh my…
Trauma affects romantic relationships on many levels. It has a tendency to lead you into an abusive relationship due to the fact you know, and I hate to say this are more comfortable with the characteristics of an abuser than you are with a “normal” person. One whom does not wish to abuse you.
Victims/Survivors tend to operate a different method. We wear things on our sleeves. Like they say..”wearing your heart on your sleeve”.
It takes great awareness and focus and determination to not go down that path. Deep in our psyche we have been conditioned to believe abuse is LOVE and yet the opposite is true.
We get tangled…thus we must learn how to get untangled…
When I talk to groups of young women, I tell them that “Love your neighbor as yourself” means you have to love yourself first in order to truly love anyone else and receive their love. I tell them to be kind to themselves the same way they are kind to the ones they love most and encourage them not to say anything to themselves that they wouldn’t say to a small, hurting child. That’s where healing begins and how healthy relationships develop.
Great advice as very often we, as women and nurturers, try to meet everyone else’s needs forgetting to look at what we like.
We have got to help people understand trauma early on in life in addition to treating it later…
Very helpful….
Very good information to consider.
As an adoptee working in the area of wellbeing for the adoption community and beyond- I must concur to the value of your information. Trust is a huge issue!
I have to say after reading the comments left by many brave souls, that I am comforted for the first time in my life that I am not alone or Crazy. I was raised in a violent atmosphere with both parents. Father beating my mom on a daily basis. He lived with his mistress and ended up divorcing my mother and marring his mistress. I don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like. After being married for 19 years. Supporting and i was thought I was loving my wife and son. All of a sudden I found out My wife cheated on me. I felt that violence would ultimately be the response, so I divorced her before I could become my dad, and beat her to death. Now, I am alone and going through on and off relationships. I cannot trust and I don’t want to hurt anyone, so I retreat into my work and my clients.
I need help and am so afraid of going out to getting it.
Reading a book is possible, but I really need to talk and listen to someone. Someone I can trust.
There is one book which I can highly recommend for people struggling with CPTSD available on Amazon, written by Pete Walker.
If anyone wishes to connect with me, more than happy to help.
Interesting article. I think the correlation between early trauma and relationships has to do with trust. If we grown up not being able to trust others, ourselves, or our perceptions then how can we be in relationships as adults? Then the lack of trust coupled with shame of who we are creates an inability to connect with anyone on any level. I use my therapy dog in session to give my clients something to connect to. More than one client has broken down when she greets them because she gently spends time checking them out. “Nobody ever wanted to know how I was feeling”. This is the beginning of connection.
I have worked exclusively with domestic violence and sexual assault victims/survivors for over 25 years. Those who were abused as children often end up in abusive relationships and do not recognize or name the abuse in their adult relationships because it is familiar and “normal” to them. They tend to have great difficulty maintaining healthy relationships because of trust issues, general insecurity and self-doubt. If they were sexually abused, their relationships may be chaotic due to difficulty committing or even random promiscuity. Of course depression, PTSD and substance abuse complicate and further stress their already fragile intimate relationships.
I can’t seem to stay with anyone for very long. My past affects my present relationships, having been abused sexually and emotionally as a child and adult. I’m nervous, I’ve been tricked, cut down, beaten, and I’ve made it to 57, feeling like a broken child. I also laugh. I’ve surfed, rafted, climbed and ride horses with good friends. Sometimes I hurt myself, risk my life, wear myself out. This life is a short ride. I enjoy it to the best possibility, experiencing amazing highs and furious angry frightened lows. I have had grand adventures, wild intimacy, wonderful love as a mother, and I know it’s not going to last forever. While I’m still breathing I shall feel it all. My daughter was killed in a car wreck, in Croatia, at age 27 in 2013. She no longer feels any of it the way we do. I plunged into a depth of crazy, an inability to perform at my job as a manager at a company where I oversaw 180. I’m still adrift financially, professionally, re-grouping into my yogic path again, the lifeline I throw myself, yoga provides an island of peace while my mind screams, and I can take myself there, feeling some control. For now I’m smiling inside, finding beauty. I wrote a book called “Thrashed.” I cried as I detailed sexual assault and abortions on pages, releasing, exposing, risking. I self published while trembling, and so it goes, onward, breaking the cycle, finding my voice, here and now. Courage spreads as the trampled wings of many take flight. Thanks you
Thanks for sharing this link in relationship problems.
Not only in relationships of clients but in my personal experiences.
Yes, very much so. In doing a narrative genogram with a couple there is often the “pause”. One or both of the partners opens their memory to a story that was life-making for them; an acquired rule that was generated for emotional survival at the time. This protective rule rule usually compartmentalized an emotion related to vulnerability. The CEM concept is valuable here as separation between lived experience and lived survival-story offers the concept of “maltreatment” as a “gate”, a qualifier that allows the person(s) to find a voice of description that can enter into a trauma without further pain. I hope this makes sense? It’s early! Peace.
Obviously, if you experienced parents as unloving and critcal -you will project that onto one’s partner. Best way to deal with it is to Share one’s false self , conditioned process with one’s partner. Eg. I always feel i am not liked .
The areas in which I clearly see deficiencies: acquiring and sustaining true intimacy, poor self worth, and the environmentally conditioned belief, “If the ‘other’ loves me I’ll have value, I’ll know I matter, and am lovable.”
just…deep insecurity, imagining what the other is thinking, not being able to express myself, feeling empty and inadequate, certain of being rejected, ashamed. It is terrible. Everyone tells me I am wonderful but I cannot really enjoy being with other people because of my fears, and they cannot believe me that I feel the way I do!!
I was forced to choose who to live with at 9 yrs old when my dad decided to leave my mother in 1974. Not long after meeting another woman, he married her then asked me to call her my mom !
TRAUMATIC Event doesn’t even begin to describe what happened to me. My “Light went out” ( for about 40 yrs) I think time froze for me because i can’t remember a couple years of my life after that, I still can’t make a decision on what to do with my life and I’m 50 yrs old, and yes I am married to a VERY understanding and wonderful woman. All my friends are much younger, some 25 yrs younger, and most of my house still looks like my teenage room. I’ve come to the realization that in many ways I never grew up. I was a 50 yr old boy until something my mother said at Christmas ” Turned my light back on” Now that I’m fully awake again I’ve got a whole new set of problems. I need help from others like myself, because I know there must be others like me, and Doctor’s never have the right questions or answers. H E L P
Hi my name is Joe and Im a victim physical ,emotional and sexual abusea
could those factors play a big part in me and girlfriends arguments?
I have alot of trust issues because of my childhood. How would i go about
Fixing it? Thank you
Hi Joe. Absolutely. I am also a survivor of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I have suffered from severe trust issues and severe abandonment issues. People like us have self esteem and control issues, although I never saw myself as controlling. I have learned that all I can control is my reaction in any argument. I have learned what I want in a relationship and how to set my boundaries. Unfortunately, we usually pick a dysfunctional mate without an awareness. A couple of suggestions. Books: The power of now by Eckhart Tolle; Getting the Love you want by Harville Hendrix. Additionally, family therapy and support groups for survivors of dysfunctional families. I’m 59 years old and I am finally beginning to see the light and enjoy relationships after a lot of work on myself. The past is the past, but the wounded child lives inside us. All the best to you in your journey.
My daughters father suffers from cem his childhood was tough I don’t think he knows what love is or how to accept it when issues arise he distant his self he is also very materialistic says things he had but never did we been going threw the same issues for 3 years. I just want it all to stop he lost his mother a few years ago they didn’t have the best relationship and his dad use to beat on his mother. He’s says he has emotional feelings for me but I really think he’s afraid that I’m gonna leave him i just want him to face who he really is and stop trying to be someone he’s not! Its not only hurting me but its hurting him the most and he keeps running from his problems instead of solving them I’m very hurt that he runs from his daughter needs as well she needs her father not a stranger.. Our relationship is not a good one
Thanks for watching and thank you for the comiepmlnt. Sorry that you’ve had such a negative experience with women. I am going to tell you the same thing I tell my closest friends make them earn it. When you find a woman you are interested in, take it slow, don’t expect too much and make them earn your love and affection. When we are eager to find that special person, we hand our hearts over to the 1st person who looks worthy don’t. Your heart and love should be earned
Having suffered severe domestic violence and being the oldest and only girl, I’ve suffered tremendously throughout my life. However, at age 57 and being an accomplished and happy woman, I thought, finally, at age 57, I’ve met a wonderful man and all’s been well for 6 weeks until my childhood PTSD reared it’s ugly head. Nothing is wrong in the relationship and he is a gentle, kind and loving person, but suddenly, I’m back in my childhood bedroom locking my father outside and cannot come out. PTSD! I know I want and I know I finally deserve this kind of happiness, and have dealt with most of the PTSD issues, but this little girl is scared to death to come out. This too shall pass, but must speak with my therapist before I sabbotage this and run. Damn father! An entire life of horrible memories that come out of the blue. And not having a frame of reference for love….just blank there, is such a hard road to manuever but I’ve beaten all the odds and maybe finally, I will find the kind, gentle, supportive love I DESERVE! I willl not let these memories beat me any longer and I will win this time! Just had to say it out loud as it’s so very painful and so very hard to separate the childhood memories and agony from the present sometimes. Hate PTSD! But to those who have not had any recovery, there is incredible hope! I just have a little left around relationships now and the rest is history….I hope, lol. Blessings to all who suffer. With love and kindness and most of all, healing to all…..please pray for me…Karen
There is no need for suffering GOD is here ! Always and FOREVER
He LOVES you and that …. is all that matters
Search for this CD ” A Gift of Love ” beautiful poems about Love and GOD read aloud with music
I can’t begin to tell you how much this will lift your spirits !
Sincerely, Greg
Hang in there Karen. Praying for you. You just have a little more work to do. Hope you don’t mind my comment. You said damn father and hate PTSD. Although totally understandable, this sounds as if you are still holding on to the darkness. You are a child of God. You did not deserve what happened to you. With hard work you can choose to let go. It was my mother who abused me. Physical, mental and sexual. My 2 siblings too. For sure we have our wounds, but with hard work and with God we are all healing and have come so far, like you. Relationships are always going to be hard until we heal the inner child. Can I suggest the book “Finding the Love you Want” by Harville Hendrix. It may help with this issue. I am praying for you.
I am now 23 and since I was 5 years and on there has been child hood traumatic events
spread out through my entire life. It has taken me this amount of time to understand why these things happened. My mom who raised me and my brother had an undiagnosed bipolar disorder and has yet to believe or think she does. Now that I know these things and she has lied and expanded the truth in my childhood turning me against people (her Ex’s and family members) when it was a dispute on both sides I have now begun to understand. Sadly it is still hard to look at myself in the mirrior and love me for who I really am, which is a strong person. My mom was always supportive and loved me and told me everyday how beautiful I was, but I shied away. I am a quiet maybe slighlty more confident girl with a loving and very supportive boyfriend, but I can never say these events in order or figure out who was telling the truth. He thinks I need to see a therapist and I do too, it is just a matter of going.
I get emotional sometimes and close up I’m still working on this, which has lessened.
I keep finding out more things, I feel I don’t need clarification and who cares, while my bf thinks
it would be a good idea to dive into the past, I agree, but will do so in my own time.
I know I need help, I will go get it, I just want to hear something from someone on here who could help me. On a more recent note my mom and her current boyfriend have abused each other, one day I visited and she had a black eye, he had a scratch on his face. Of course defending my mom
I threatened him and did not mean it, took off from her house and came home to confide in my BF
he of course thinks and knows what my mom does. I have distanced myself from her for 3 1/2 years
but I wish she would change, I asked her too. She see’s what I say, but never hears me.
As I go on, The only thing that has gotten me through this is playing music and songwriting
thank god for that because if i did not have that, or a loving family. I would probably be on the streets or dead.
Hope someone will here me
Peace
Long story I know, there is so much more.
I know exactly what you are going through. I help individuals and couples with these type of past trauma issues in my practice. You can reach me at my email, and I can refer you if you like. I am in Northern California.
Best to you,
Gloria
I can’t think of any of my clients who have suffered early emotional trauma that haven’t had difficulties in intimate relationships, I include myself. How can we relate normally when we have learnt fear and mistrust and that we are unimportant and unlovable from those who cared for us?
However, I remember reading about a study of people with early emotional trauma and how they coped with intimacy. The difference between the ones who had good relationships and those who didn’t was that the ones who did, as a child had one person who they trusted and to whom they could relate. I wonder too if keeping an important and guilty secret makes it difficult to trust another. That is so often part of the childhood experience.
Yes, I have dealt with ouples whose CEM is interfering with their relationships. Anything additional I can learn will be helpful. Unfortunately, I was unable to access the webinar last week. I hope to be able to access it this week. Please let me know how long the webinar lasts.
Thanks.
Karen Owen
The most common thread I see in my practice with clients who have had childhood trauma is their misconception of what love is. If love was not modelled between two loving parents and not demonstrated in early love relationships the client will have no point of reference to understand how to accept and show love in couple relationships. They will engage in all the maladaptive ways to attain that ‘feeling’ of love, but not know its true value and potential with a healthy partner.
Harville Hendrix asserted this some time ago, while this study is of interest and great affirmation, I am confused that Ruth is referring to the link as ‘new’.
Yes, me! i am fairly well adjusted in all aspects of my life except romantic relationships. When I attempt to date I experience a trauma reaction. Have done several sessions of EMDR and it did help but I still have not tackled this. Thank you for your site and good work. It’s extremely helpful.
Absolutely! I am working with a young woman currently who experienced neglect and maltreatment
as a child. Following sessions of EMDR, she is finding that she is much less reactive, calmer and that her husband is more responsive to her needs. Her traumatic experiences as a teenager had impacted their intimacy but we are clearing these too!
I would agree with Christine that most of us have had some distressing experiences from childhood that affect our adult relationships. Most people are unaware of these connections, and so as therapists, it is our job to educate individuals and couples.
The question might be better asked, “Have you ever seem someone w/ CEM that did NOT have a pattern or problematic experiences in adult romantic relationships? Individuals w/ CEM tend to have a patten of unknowingly or knowingly “look for love in all the wrong places”. The coping pattern that helped them survive CEM also contribute to finding and repeating some or much of the EM relationship in an adult form. Familiarity is a powerful, but often painful pattern!
I have to agree with you, Christine. Every client I have worked with w/CEM has had problematic relationships.
In my own life, I was the second youngest in a mixed family of 9. Beatings began when I was 5 (by my step brother, then by my parents) and continued until I left home at 16. I didn’t know what PTSD was…or that I was experiencing it. I jumped from one relationship to another, stretching each of them out for years, inviting violence, and creating co-dependencies and chaos. It was through Hypnotherapy that I was able to recognize and heal the subconscious decisions I made through my early (and later) traumas.
4 marriages and divorces plus 3 live-in relationships were my badges of my PTSD. It was through therapy, and learning to love and appreciate myself, and recognizing that I could, in fact, have a healthy relationship, that I attracted my 5th (and final) husband. He has helped me to heal further and learn what a healthy, loving and happy relationship is. 7 years success and (if we’re lucky) 40 to go! And, now, I am able to successfully work with women who have moved from childhood abuse/trauma into relationship abuse/trauma…it’s an amazing, loving, healing process.
I look forward to hearing what Sue Johnson has to share.
This information fits my personal experience very well. I had only the experience of emotional abuse, but I struggle with PTSD symptoms. My childhood relationships led me to deep feelings of inadequacy and a long term intimate relationship that has been confusing, challenging, and painful. I appreciate the confirmation of my experience.
As the third child and second son in a family of 7 children Idid not get the attentio and love aI neededAs a consequence I did not feel at home in that family. I realised this when I experienced a severe headtrauma when i wa 18 yers old. It was a contusio cerebri and I was in coma for almost 24 Hours.Druring college time I always elt rejected by female costudents and sufferered rom self hatred. I was afraid of intimate relationships with women , The on conditionally based relationship based ‘love’ from my mother repeated itself in my later relationships. I allways felt ‘uilty, not being sufficient for the love partner. This took two intimate relatonships. I only recognized the pattern when the last relationship was close to its end. I was not capable of rescing it anmore. So now I am tryint to healmyself as good as possible and hope to find a new rintimate elationship.