Romance can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, but for many people it can also be quite a challenge.
Beyond the normal hurdles of developing and sustaining relationships, recent research suggests that childhood abuse and neglect might make people more vulnerable to troubled romantic relationships in adulthood.
Professor Golan Shahar and Dana Lassri, of Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Israel (BGU), conducted two studies with college students to see how early-life trauma and emotional abuse affect romantic relationships later in life.
Participants were asked to complete the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire to determine whether or not the participants had a history of Childhood Emotional Maltreatment (CEM).
Then, participants responded to questionnaires about both the quality of and their satisfaction with their current romantic relationship.
The researchers found a link between childhood emotional abuse and self-criticism, and a further link between childhood maltreatment, self-criticism, and dissatisfaction in romantic relationships.
Participants with a history of CEM tended to have low self-esteem and many also exhibited PTSD symptoms.
While many practitioners have already seen first-hand how unresolved childhood trauma can impact relationships throughout life, the key here is self-criticism.
It seems from this study that there’s a strong tendency to self-criticize in many people who’ve experienced CEM, and this is what leads to problems in intimate relationships.
This new connection between childhood trauma, self-criticism, and relationship problems may be a key factor in helping couples heal their relationship.
Please remember that because this is a non-randomized study with correlative findings, we have to be careful about the conclusions that we draw from it.
For the full story, you can check it out in the Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, volume 31, issue 3.
For practitioners, learning how to help trauma survivors connect with their loved ones is an important part of the healing process.
How have you seen trauma impact romantic relationships? Please leave a comment below.
I was too trusting and gave all my power away which left me vulnerable to abuse
Yes I am a practitioner and yes from my experience the greatest cause of dysfunctional romantic relationships is definitely childhood trauma which makes sense when we forming our core beliefs about ourself between 0-7 or 8 as some people say.
I was aware that my husband had been an abused child when we married almost 23 years ago. We have had a very close and loving relationship, and I have never wanted for more attention from him. Last summer, his sister died, and she was the only one who shared and witnessed the abuse. Since then, his flashbacks, which were previously only visual, have begun to involve ALL his senses and are severe. Our relationship has suffered a great deal. He has stopped communicating with me; he is not fully “present” when we are together; he hasn’t kissed my on the lips for months, nor have we been intimate sexually. I’m lucky if I get a hug, and sometimes even that feels obligatory. Currently, he is not living at home and I am devastated.
Hello Ellen, I’m sorry for this, I’m in a similar situation. We visited my wife’s abusive father and ever since she shut me out. I’ve had to move out of our home, we have 3 amazing children. it hurts so much to not live with them. Like you if I get a hug I’m lucky. I’m trying to let go of her but she’s my best friend still. I think I’ll be freed up if I can stop trying to fix this. I think she is confusing me with her father and that hurts too as I’m a kind gentle man, I’m not perfect but I get soft so easy. Again I’m sorry for your pain.
-expectation….past/to future…..
My history is complicated as are the many stories posted below; however, I do not think my personal story, while unusual, would add all that much to this thread. My purpose in writing is to validate the suffering, loss, and anguish of each and every individual who experienced childhood trauma and abuse. It is beyond tragic, but the good news is that people are talking about it and the mental health community is responding, it appears the doors that held these secrets have flown open and a flood of suffering has surfaced to be dealt with. Likely, it will take generations to heal and transform the many decades of behavior that perpetuated the insanity! I know I passed on to my children, much of my pain and confusion, and it haunts me! Finally, those of us who repressed, denied, or acted out the suffering, just to survive, can now speak about it, find support, and heal. LOVE is still the answer; forgiveness, comes is stages. I am now able to have compassion for my parents and at least move beyond the rage and hatred that crippled me emotionally and psychologically for so long. I am empowered, because I know I was not crazy and the shame projected on to me was there’s, not mine!! And, more importantly, the validation that what I was experiencing was REAL! I was always told “not to feel that way” or “think that way”, “behave that way”, or that my needs were “somehow wrong”. I have made many mistakes as a parent, because of the dysfunctional behavior patterns, my ignorance, PTSD, and other cognitive limitations. I often feel a great deal sadness and guilt about it, but now have skills that help minimize the damage. It is a work in progress……
I have been working with clients suffering from trauma, TBI (traumatic brain injury) and other chronic issues, since 1990, and more recently returned to university to study creative writing, communications, and depth psychology with a view of writing and public speaking, however, not exclusively about these issues. It is for me a way to move beyond the past and actually have a future….
I believe i am one of those people who suffered emotional childhood traumas. I also believe that they have effected my relationships so much that i do not even date …not since 1997. My mother used to say… all the time… “What did i ever do to deserve you” it was meant in a bad way. i often wondered what bad thing did she do? and why was i such a bad child? I was actually a very kind loving child who snook off into nature for some peace, which i still do as ad adult. I am working on changing my patterns and awakening from them , they have recently given my chronic anxiety which i am working with diligently to overcome. I have other traumas during my life too of course … don’t we all , I am trying to deal with them all so that i can have happier, healthy relationships.
Whatever you experience in childhood when the brain is very young and impresionable sticks. Andvis normal. If youre told youre bad and awful enough you believe it, and become deaf to positive messages. Even with help it can be hard to change this mindset. I have heard thoughtful mentors shout postive messages to abuse survivors as they can literally find hearing good things a kit themselves hard to hear.
So they seek out pertners and loved ones who continue their norm — ie think poorly of them and perpetuate the cycle of abuse in adulthood.
Break this deafness and let positivity in and the survivor will flourish given half a chance.
So the trick is to break the normality link with abusive speech and actions.
Am so grateful for your insightful reports… As a younger daughter of eleven siblings. I “felt” rejected & gravitated towards emotionally & physically abusive relationships. I have experienced emotional paralyses & stuckness when moving into a transitional period in my life & takes time for me to come out of it.. Your reports really are helping. Thank you.. I am now learning to accept myself, the good, the bad & the ugly!!! Am now having compassion on myself. Just as I love & have compassion & sensitivity to others… Xxx Geri
I was emotionally abused by my mother growing up. I was told that everything was my fault because I was the oldest. I was always being punished and half the time did not know why. Yes, I was physically spanked and locked in my room or fenced in yard when I was very young.
I grew up have low self-esteem but wanted to learn how to be successful. I knew I was bright so I excelled at school. I got a full scholarship for college and got a job right after. I have always been independent, but have always allowed the men in my life to control me to some extent. I always felt I must be at fault when things went wrong.
I have had to learn through therapy how to be confident and assertive. I still do not have the life I desire. I feel that will come when I can finally afford to retire after working towards that goal for so long. I hate being alone though which is what confidence and assertiveness have gotten me. I need to learn to love and accept myself for who I am.
Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. To have repeated and/or daily trauma as a child, at the hands of a primary care giver, creates very distinct confusion about love, intimacy, esteem and security. Shame is internalized.
And then there is the trauma that may occur in adulthood to the child who knows only trauma and so it seems familiar and normal.
Adults carrying shame, distrust, a harsh internally critical voice and a feeling of being unworthy of love or unlovable are very troublesome for their partners. These internal schemas impact every decision, thought and feeling of the survivor, without them even knowing it.
For instance: Traveling to the grocery store as a couple the two separate quite naturally and go to different parts of the store. The survivor does not have the money nor the keys, but has all the groceries and cannot find the spouse. The survivor is powerless to execute the task or to leave and is in limbo. She becomes enraged and panicked and ashamed of the intensity of both feelings; showing evidence of her fear that she is not normal or coping well and thus is truly unlovable and not good enough to be alive or have anything good come to her. Her spouse is completely blindsided by the intensity of the reaction, which drives a further wedge in the trust and intimacy.
This kind of scenario happens over and over and over again in many different guises, but at every level between the two. No relationship can withstand that kind of pressure.
I have been proactive in practicing cognitive skills to look to the positive in all situations. How has this worked for me…I went overboard. It is good idea, but where I had challenges was I lost my fight or flight early warning system. I made the choice to not flee, but to always move forward and stand my ground. Yes, I was described as assertive and tenacious. I did not care what happened to me, if I got hurt, I got hurt. Been there done that for not reason in childhood. While being abused physically, emotionally or sexually, I did recognize it was not about me and hold a conversation with the person. i.e. “Are you happy now, have you accomplished what you wanted to, I still disagree with you.” I survived and moved away from home at 18.
I married at 24 and we waited to have children, I felt coming from the home I did, this is the conditioning I had. So I made an appointment with a psychologist to evaluation if I would abuse my child seeing as that was my history, and I believed, based on what I was aware of my parents had both been abused as children. They did ever use the word abuse, but were in no win situations, I dad quit high school and enlisted and my mom graduated and moved away. The doctor was surprised I would pay out of pocket for this and I felt he did not believe this is why I came. He scheduled me for another appointment and afterwards, stated I am aware the situation I grew up in was not normal and I was determined not to expose my children to this. Also, I had spent so much time being aware and thinking about this I should not encounter repeated my history.
At first I moved to the closest city, and I found I was close by, but did not have a relationship with my family. There was no contact unless I initiated the contact. So to help me feel better, I moved far enough away my family would have to call before they visited.
I knew from the time I started dating what I wanted in a relationship, Trust, being emotionally comfortable, and conversations on any subject. If a person was unable to discuss a challenging subject, that was an indicator to me, they could not address touch issues.
I survived doing this until I was very challenged with all the symptoms of pernicious anemia, my count was 32 or 34, and it took years to get diagnosed. I read an article on the subject and in the second to last paragraph, I knew I was not a hypochondriac but had pernicious anemia. The symptom to did it was ‘my tongue hurt. I have as an adult always been proactive in seeking, listening, implementing and communicating with professionals.
While the symptoms were developing and I was going in a downward spiral, I was not able to cope with life the way I had be coping. Major Depression was off the chart, I was praying to just poof and die and disappear, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety and panic attacks. To say my life has been challenging is to put it mildly. If I documented just a few major life challenges…too many people would recognize me.
The daily shots of B12 made such a difference after two weeks. One shot a month was not enough, we worked on this for most of a year and found A shot twice a week was necessary. I did this for about 10 years. After about 10 years I went down to one per week. Symptoms did get better with treatment but did not disappear. My quality of life is just a fraction of what I had experienced in the past. I was an active participant in this world prior to developing symptoms, yes I made sure I always had an emergency exit plan in place. I moved out of the area and it has been challenging finding a doctor to work with me to insure the best quality of life for me. I am on my 4th doctor since 2008. This doctor stays informs and hears what is being said.
Relationships are greatly impacted by CEM…to hear ‘Just relax’ is hurtful. If I could have just relaxed I would have.
Through one of my resources, I am always looking for resources, I found a workbook.YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA, by Michele Rosenthal is fantastic. I am working through this workbook, and I do mean working. in responding to the questions asked, on the first few assignments I have already typed, single spaced 42 pages. I found had already developed the skills necessary in childhood, but I had not applied them to these additional challenges, the PTSD, anxiety and panic frightened me, it is physical, it hurts, I don’t want to put anyone out and I felt like I was just going to drop dead and inconvenience someone, that is why the poof…Since I had developed these reactions, I would deep breathing, and counting my breath. This is very difficult when you can’t count in sequence and focus on breathing at the same time. I am still working on this, it is a long process not an overnight fix. My quality of life is improving, but I am by no means near a fix. This book has helped so much…I do feel I have a purpose in life again. To continue to share solutions…this is what I did professionally in business and life. For a good many years I have felt useless except for my positive attitude and being a positive, proactive listener and encouraging people to think out all the pros and cons when decisions are necessary and whatever decision you make, make it with love. Also I am exceptional are letting people know they matter…and I don’t say any of this unless I truly believe it. As my mother has said for many years, “Being tactful is not one of my better attributes.
Please do not share my email, although I will answer additional questions for research…I can do anything…this I believe.
Ruth,
I always wait and read back what I wrote…My ‘do not share’ request was do not share my full name, the specific details I did not mention. I hope is that at a portion of the above may be helpful to others in any area that applies. Thank you so much for the information. janice
I was sexually and emotionally abused by my mother during early childhood. It has had a negative affect on my personal relationships.
I would like to find a therapist who can help me deal with these issues. I am 73 but would still like to fix these issues. My second wife is very supportive even with my ongoing relationship problems.
08831
Lee, Please check out the book YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA, by Michele Rosenthal…read some, not really much to start and then find a professional that can answer the question, “Can you guide me through my relationships not be so impacted by extreme childhood abuse. I use ‘extreme’ as abuse means different things to different people. From my perspective, to just get a spanking not a beating would have been a plus. To hear just a few negative comments a week, would have been welcomed…the constant, it does exist. Positive energy, thoughts and prayers. janice
If trauma is not dealt with, relationships suffer because the trauma is hidden and resentment builds up over time. Negative thinking prevails.
It felt like a full circle after recently reading Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s, book “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.” It was like the book was talking to me.
I’d been through two failed long-term relationships when I met my partner who was aware of childhood trauma and she cared enough to help me through my childhood stuff. In addition, she helped me find a caring solution-oriented therapist who introduced me to EMDR and it was incredible how quickly I discovered that I was subconsciously blaming myself and realized that it was never my fault. It feels so free to be aware of how childhood abuse has affected me in all aspects of my life especially interpersonal relationships.
I have learned to use my frontal lobe and put into words how I feel. It took some time for this process to occur but now it is coming easier and quicker these days. It is with practice and continuously catching myself when I’m angry and being able to process it into calm words verses staying mad and silent or acting out and yelling or blaming. It is definitely more free to be able to communicate my feelings.
I’ve been happily married to my partner for eight years and she was the one who told me about the book last June. The book is amazing and I hope all the therapist and survivors can read this book and be awakened. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and having gone through some ineffective therapy and failed relationships, reading this book was a full-circle for me.
I’m not sure if this is the correct forum to express but I am a big fan of Dr. van der Kolk’s work and anyone who is connected to his work.
Thank you Dr. Buczynski for spreading the word!
Thank you! I will check this out!
My son is a therapist specializing in PTSD and he recommends Dr. van der Kolk’s book “The Body Keeps The Score”. He said is is the foremost comprehensive book on trauma he had read.
Thank you.
This is very obvious and accurate for those of us who have lived through it. Neglect and trauma affects the brain literally like a brain injury ( ( see (Van der Kolks presentation at Yale on Child Trauma and Borderline Personality Disorder, youtube). As well as low self esteem and self criticism which may adversely affects every part of of our lives, sense of time, spatial position, hyper or hypo sensitivity, concentration, problem solving hearing and vision can all be affected. This is important work and crucial in ending intergenerational perpetuation of these injuries.
After 20 years and five children, my ex and I finally split. He kept trying to get back together but it wasn’t till I saw what he did to the kids that I realized what he did to me was abuse. I had a chaotic and unstable childhood and I ended up thinking so little of myself that I chose him as a partner. I am trying to do the best for my kids. Leaving that monster was the best decision I made even though he still abuses me through the court system. One by one, kids have figured it out too.
How many of those people surveyed had ADHD?
Wrong journal–add social!
My very early childhood and pervasive developmental trauma absolutely affected my choice of spouse and decision to remain in an unhealthy marriage for over twenty years. Through Somatic Experiencing therapy with a certified therapist I, over time, was able to recognize and release my body’s and nervous system’s trapped energy, and cognitively understand my life choices. I’d like to see more attention and discussion given to this aspect of PTSD and SE as an outstanding and proven therapy modality. I have begun educating others about trauma recovery and healing as part of my business as artist, writer, and owner of Abundance Art LLC
For all the Physical, Emotional and Sexual abuse I experienced, some how I did not take responsibility for it. I am self confident, I recognize I have to make accommodations for myself. The problem challenges that have such a negative impact on me short term memory loss, and frustration. I do not want to leave my home, many times I don’t even want to go outside. I may stay in for a few days, then I self talk myself, and force me to go outside and do something…anything. Yes CEM has had in impact on all aspects of my life, but I was so fortunate to not recognize it was my fault. Right now I feel like a large cinder block, I hold myself and others accountable for their actions and believe we all do try to make the best choices, I don’t want to believe anyone is out to hurt me, I am just not that important. Yes, I hear what I just said…I am still working on a exist as a body…and not just a soul.
No Trust….. insecure,
Thank you Ruth. Your research resonates with me. When I was a toddler my mother had a third child who died after a few days. My mother refused to leave her bed or attend to myself and my older sibling. I don’t actually remember this, but my mother has told me since then. As my father worked away, I think we were cared for by aunts at the time. Eventually the family doctor ‘forced’ my mother to get up. However, that dead baby was always held up to us as the perfect child that we never were. I can see that my mother was suffering but I have been told by a psychologist that her behaviour constituted emotional abuse of us. Both my sibling and myself lack self-confidence and had troubled adolescent years, including suicide attempts, and have also each had several unsuccessful marital relationships.
Thank you, Ruth, for an insightful article.
Initially I baulked at the term Emotional Maltreatment.
I accept that there was a need to identify cause, in a single, grouped description. At the same time I want to add that Childhood Emotional Maltreatment is not necessarily a result of deliberate action by the primary carer/s of the child.
Sometimes CEM just happens – due to circumstances beyond the control of the adult/s in the relationship.
For example, when a parent suffers through decades of a chronic and debilitating illness that isolates him/her from the child/ren, a feeling of abandonment settles in with the child/ren.
This form CEM is nobody’s fault.
It is an unintended consequence of circumstances beyond an individual’s control.
Furthermore, the same set of circumstances – virtual ‘abandonment’ – may affect individual children to a greater or lesser degree.
I speak from the experience of having grown up in a family of eight siblings sharing the same set of natural parents and the same environment.
Each of us evolved into a different adult, with significantly different perspectives of our shared childhood experiences.
Thank you, again for a valuable insight.
Veronika,
Your point of view is very valuable and thank you for sharing. It brought to my attention one fact that it was always a big question in my life. You mentioned having been born in a family with eight siblings, sharing the same natural parents and same environment and that each one of you evolved into different adults. I always wondered how could that happen. I know that I have a similar experience with you. I have an older brother and we share same natural parents and we grew up in the same environment, and we ended up being different from each other. After 15 years of studying psychology, I have finally understood what is happening. What happens is that even though we have same parents, each child is born in a different context. I will give some examples. When a first child is born into a family, parents usually have no experience in raising a child of their own, are pretty stressed, maybe they live in a small apartment, have a certain financial situation. When the second child is born, this child comes already in a different environment than the first one, even if only for the fact that another child is already in the house; parents may also be a little bit more relaxed and gained experienced, their relationship is different, maybe the SES changed, maybe they moved, maybe something has changed even in the extended family that might influence the family atmosphere. When a third child is born, he/she comes into a house with 2 other kids, etc. I think I made my point. It was very insightful for me when I discovered this theory – The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler – I looked at my own family and situation and it helped me understand a lot of the dynamics in our house.
Thank you again for sharing your point of view!
Best,
Ramona
I have a client who suffered so much trauma had a “perfect life” and later tried to commit sucide .,she still has a hard time accepting her trauma and unable to get unstuck…..
ON A PERSONAL LEVEL, I HAVE SEEN THE IMPACT OF CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL MALTREATMENT AND OF PTSD IN MY OWN FAMILY OF ORIGIN, GOING BACK TO AT LEAST MY GREAT-GRANDPARENTS ON MY MOTHER’S SIDE AND HOW IT HAS BEEN PASSED THROUGH THE GENERATIONS DOWN TO MINE, INCLUDING ME, AND TO MY NIECES AND NEPHEWS AND TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN. SO OVER FIVE GENERATIONS. AND I AM SEEING THE SIXTH TO BEGIN TO SUFFER FROM THIS HERITAGE.
ON A SOCIAL LEVEL, I HAVE SEEN IT IN 12-STEP GROUPS AND OTHER SIMILAR PROGRAMS OF SELF-HELP AND MUTUAL SUPPORT. I NOTICE IT IN COLLECTIVE BEHAVIOURS THAT AFFECT POLITICAL LIFE ALL OVER THE WORLD. I HAVE BEEN IN TOUCH WITH IT IN MY WORK AS WELL. AS A TEACHER I SPECIALIZED IN HELPING STUDENTS OF ALL AGES WHO HAD DIFFICULTIES LEARNING. SELF-CRITICISISM AND TRAUMA WERE OFTEN REASONS THEY HAD SUCH PROBLEMS. IN MANY CASES, ESPECIALLY WITH ADULTS, I HAD TO INVESTIGATE THEIR PAST UP TO THREE GENERATIONS TO COME UP WITH AN APPROACH THAT WOULD ALLOW LEARNING TO UNFOLD WELL.
THERE ARE OTHER FORMS MALTREATMENT CAN TAKE. CODEPENDANCY, SEXUAL PROBLEMS, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL ISSUES, AND — WORSE OF ALL — SELF-SABOTAGE STEM FROM THEM AS WELL.
ANY OF THESE LEAVE PEOPLE POORLY EQUIPPED TO HANDLE LIFE HARMONIOUSLY. THIS LACK AFFECTS HOW THEY RELATE WITH THEMSELVES AND THUS WITH OTHERS. THE CLOSER THE RELATIONSHIP, THE HARDER TO LIVE ONE. WHAT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO TREAT IS THAT SO MUCH COMES NOT ONLY FROM ONE’S IMMEDIATE PARENTS, BUT FROM PREVIOUS GENERATIONS. IN A WAY, NO ONE KNOWS WHERE IT ACTUALLY COMES FROM, WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT FORMS IT TOOK. YET THE PRESENT GENERATION, OF WHATEVER TIME WE ARE TALKING ABOUT, GOES THROUGH THE PANGS OF IT. IN THIS RESPECT, I PARTICULARLY APPRECIATE THE WORK OF FRENCH PSYCHOTHERAPIST MYRIAM BROUSSE AND HER APPROACH BASED ON CELLULAR MEMORY THAT SHE WANTS HELP HER CLIENTS BRING UP TO AWARENESS SO AS TO FREE THEM OF ITS CONTROLLING INFLUENCE OVER THEIR LIVES.
Thank you, Pierre – for your valuable contribution.
I am particularly interested in the work of Myriam Brousse and will devote some time to investigating her work.
Without any prior research or even knowledge of anyone else thoughts I came up with the concept of Genetic Memory a couple of decades ago, as a non-practitioner – just an ordinary observant and thinking person.
It is very satisfying for me to know that there is a formal, professional school of thought that acknowledges this phenomenon. The acknowledgement that Genetic Memory exists doesn’t make the treatment of clients who suffer from various forms of Trauma significantly easier however it does provide an additional tool for the practitioner to help raise the Awareness of the Client.
What I find interesting, from my observation and experience is that Genetic Memory, like other genetic traits, can ‘skip’ generations. That, of course, makes diagnosis more complex. Nevertheless, it is valuable to know that it is yet another angle from which treatment can be approached. Than k you, again for bringing this into a public domain.
This is sooo true! Abandonment, self esteem and distrust issues abound from growing up in dysfunctional families. Adults often make bad relationship decisions due to the “childhood programming”. Cognitive therapy works very well once one realizes the cause of their anxiety, distrust, hyper alertness , etc. Unfortunately, many people accept their condition and never are able to “let it go” and work on themselves. The mental health system needs to be available to all.
Thank you, Ruth for sending this to me!
I am a psychiatric nurse at a child and adult outpatient mental health facility. As I read this article, it seems to me the extreme of CEM, would be RAD. I believe whole heartedly that there is a strong connection between trauma, whatever the causes and how life plays out for those idividuals!
I will very interested in your articles and again thank you !
Nancy
I have an adopted son who is now who is now 55 and still showing signs of problems he developed with his adpotion as a child. He has a girlfriend that has major problem and as a results people shun her. But strangely enough she has helped him. Now he is helping her. I have for the past year just listened to all this drama which goes much much deeper. But gathering all this information I am now starting to shoot from the hip – as it were. There is a saying – Build a bridge and get over it.
If they don’t make the effort to adopt positive action in there lives on there own rather than other people fixing it for them or even wanting God to give them a sign ??? I personally feel that they must be thrown into the deep end and when they hit rock bottom they will soon learn how to tread water.
I feel If you can help a person (with love) to learn how to find there authentic self (teach a person to fish rather then to feed them ) , they will want to look into the mirror and be able to say, “Yes, I love you and today is the first day of the rest of my live.”Because life is for living, but to build a life i is not by default it is be design. But they will never even get that far if they don’t make that decision to work on themselves. A Great example of this is the now very famous preacher called
Joyce Meyer. has gone through what now woman ever wants to go through. Think of her what you like. But she now stand up in front of thousands of people and tells them what happened to her.?
She is just one of many who have overcome.
So I listen, and listen, with emphathy. but there comes a time that the truth must be taught. Forgiveness being one of the greatest parts in life that heals trauma or abuse of any kind. But pehaps one of the hardest to overcome to really do. But it makes the person stronger and fuller than before. I know this to be true. I have had to do it myself.
Never forgetting that it must be done with love. and compassion. And a great deal of prayer..
Yes, many times. In several relationships not only have I had, but other people I know. People don’t understand how things that happened in childhood can affect them as adults and coping mechanisms among other things. My past is so rocky..because of things that happened. It isn’t something you can just get over either.
Yes I am one of those too… I am now learning and practicing emotional fitness skills and this morning I visited my mother in my EF session (She is deceased) and was able to do some grieving which is going to be part of my heart centered processing over the next little while.. I love my EF program.. Thank you for confirming and validating that what I am doing is very important.. I feel it is..
Yes! Experienced CEM throughout my own child. Grew up very self critical. Even now have to be vigilant in regard to self talk. Married an alchoholic and abuser. Divorced and remarried 15 years later; second husband was emotionally distant and judgemental which triggered my own critical self. Throughout my life did seek professional help to my benefit. In the 90’s while reading about combat soldiers with PTSD, I was shocked; I was experiencing most of the same stmptoms, even flashbacks, as those war veterans and I had never been in a war. Like I said before, professional counciling has helped me especially with being able to reach into my loving spiritual self. That is where a tremendous amount healing has occurred. There is hope for that abused, traumatized child. It takes time; I’m 71 and still have my moments but can recognize them for what they are. Too overcome CEM is an accomplishment itself. Thank u for letting me share my experiences and thoughts. Sincerely
Oh yes! Thank you for the article!
As long as people continue ‘blaming’ and creating something external to themselves as a cause for what is perceived to be a lack of intimate relationships, they will perpetuate perceived lack until they are prepared to look into themselves. It is a journey of learning to love Self – and often it is a case of not knowing what that means and how to love self. Many perceive ‘abuse’ of some sort; that is not to diminish what has happened. But to continue to see that which has happened as a cause for you not having intimacy is like saying, “OK, this has happened to me; because this has happened to me, you have to be careful around me and fix me and put up with everything I find difficult” which then challenges the relationship itself. Learning to appreciate Self with love and gratitude, meaning appreciating both that which is positive as much as that which is not so positive about you, is first and foremost because it determines your perceptions of others. It takes time, it takes perseverence; it can be explained neuro-chemically. Understand Self and you will understand others; love Self and you will know what it is to love others. Be prepared to release the cause and experience freedom and you will create that in your relationships. Alter your perceptions, balance them, re-myelinate your brain and be discerning about whom you allow to assist you in that process.
Thanks Lilly, that’s a really interesting point of view!
Words of Wisdom, Lilly.
Regardless of any ‘external cause’ – Emotional Maturity cannot progress until the individual is consciously willing to stop playing the Blame Game.
Tough call – because it means accepting Responsibility for the here and now – by letting go of the Past – the there and then. It IS a matter of Choice, something that is available to each individual.
Thank you for raising this valuable point.
Veronika,
Thank you for sharing your opinions. They are great door openers for valuable conversations.
It is and it is not a matter of choice. In order to be able to make this choice, one needs insight. In trauma, the brain is injured exactly like in a car accident, or any type of physical injury. One needs a lot of support, encouragement, information, self-exploration, in order to arrive to the point of making the choice. One needs to find a meaning in making that change.
Thank you,
Ramona
“Veronika and Ramona,
Thank you both, reading all of these comments has been such a blessing…To address these issues is a major undertaking, and it takes more than just self. I am accountable, it is my responsibility to seek out help…and I don’t know all of the resources available. I have a positive mantra, really mantras…”If the response is no, obviously i have asked the wrong question. At least get another word, acronym or name to research.”
This is such valuable information, thank you to all, and Ruth thank you for writing a thought provoking article.
A meditation that helps, as a form of self hypnosis, is to imagine your current adult self going back in time and quietly reassuring your child self that they are okay, that everything will turn out alright.
This offers a kind of adult support to your child self and healing to your adult self.
This works because emotional memory is associative rather than linear in time.
I have not been successful with an intimate relationship, yet. I can tell you what happens. The inner voices of the experience of childhood start contiminating the relationship from the very start. The person I choose always has issues too. I lived in a very disrespectful family. I survived by being careful. I was beaten down psychologically. The boundaries were always crossed. I didn’t exist for me. One of my goals is to have a successful relationship after EMDR. I’m sixty. P.S. I have lots of friends now and many flowers!!
Donna,
Thank you for sharing. It takes courage! I heard similar experiences so many times! I am glad to hear you have hope, and that you have support around you. Friends and EMDR can be very healing!
Be strong in your journey!
Best,
Ramona
Yes where there has been physical abuse in Schools such as primary and secondary with the belt yes. It affects child development and adult growth. Have seen this for a fact within my own community.
Check out lifemastery.com They are doing amazing work.
This is my 1st public ‘outing’ of my trauma(s) aside from telling my therapist…Yes, I needed one after MY childhood! I wanted to learn why so many things in my life weren’t ‘working’…Not work; not love; not friendships, not even relations with immediate family~So – after much crying, reading, crying, understanding what went wrong; what was still ‘right’ and how I could possibly ‘fix’ this over-whelming mess of a thought-belief system(s) I was brainwashed to believe/live~!!!!
My one mother was my Nacissistic Abuser~SHe ran the ship, and you’d better ‘Listen to EVERYTHING she said to you” or there would be (basically) physcal, emotional, verbal HELL to PAY~as soon as she didn’t get her way!!! All during my young childhood, I was prevented from having ANY opinions of my own; and since I was a bright, articulate child, I had my own ideas as to how I”d like to ‘get along’ in the world. Well, that was a joke on me becasue in my dysfunctional family NO ONE had choices not really. We did what my ‘AUtocratic mother’ demanded we all follow her lead’ and do as she says for us to do! To say it was a tortoursome upbringing is putting it mildly. I DID NOT feel LOVED~Oh, she washed our clothese & sent us to school clean and fed us each night a good dinner, that is nOT all a child needs. Almost nightly at dinner, MY particular ‘foibles’ woudl be revealed; critiised; I was mocked or made fun of; and, when I tried to defend myself, my mother shouted that I was TOO sensitive! THIS denial of my feelings is what brought me into shame & ridicule – all because I loved my fathr best & we looked a lot alike & my narc mother & he hated each othr….Totally messed up family unit; but I was the ONLY One scape-goated; goaded, chided, lied about, were critical of, and took my things as tho I didn’t matter! ANd, if I objected and said they were crossing the line – they laughed at me…I since moved 3,000 mi. away from them. Used to go visit them, but I choose NOT to re traumatize myself over & over again….(Which is what happens when I go back & am treated like I am still 10 yrs old who couldn’t ”defende’ herself. NOw, I told the truth and am in the ‘dog-house’. I hae decded to go “NO Contact’ with Narc mom without a soul.
I have been in this very loving relationship for 5 years now. At times it goes totally wrong when my partner due to his CEM turns his self criticism towards me. It does not help that I respond from my own childhood abuse and resent trauma. The episodes of ‘hate towards me’ as I call it are getting further apart but appears to be intensified. The problem is that his self criticism is inhibiting him from seeking help. But we are working on it.
for your own safety you need to get help right away before physical abuse leads to you being hospitalized have been there with my own brother know where it leads. Get help and quick.
I have found myself to be haunted with self criticism that I have no doubt is a direct result of childhood trauma. I also found myself to be in relationships with people who tend to be very critical in general and towards others, and towards me, and are very self critical as well. Not a dynamic I wish to continue.
go it alone without abuse verbal or other wise and draw strength from your own abilities been here know what a self destructive path it is listening only to stupid people and not ones own talent
Each of us experiences & views life from our own perspective which is a culmination of what has happened to us since birth. Especially the early childhood years from birth to age 7 when we receive the foundational programming for life while mostly in the theta brainwave.
I had my own story – CEM & PTSD.
When I learned getting into that programming period again- That of early childhood in the theta brain wave – those early feelings and emotions could be altered. Energy went in that was negative and energy can come out and be replaced with a positive perspective very easily.
You see our memories are not stored as pieces of paper in a filing cabinet. They are stored as energy- charged with the energy of emotions and feelings from life’s experiences whether positive or negative. When tapped into, without hypnotism- via the theta brain wave- profound changes take place for the individual suffering from CEM and PTSD.
How exactly did you get into “…that (theta) programming period again…”?
Unbelievable: first of all, that the correlation between childhood trauma and difficulties in romantic relationships would be presented as new research (given that Freud and other founders of the modern practices of psychology and psychotherapy asserted this) , and second of all that a correlation between self-criticism and problems in romantic relationships is then magically converted into a, in fact THE, causal link.
Isn’t that second thing, the conversion of a correlation to a causal link, the fundamental fault in pre-scientific thinking?
Thankfully, I see that there are many helpful and well-informed comments to frame this very flawed “addition” to our understanding of trauma and relationships.
I have found that this is a profoundly difficult issue for patients to get past. They tend to not want to address it and simply decide that they are not “relationship material.” The trauma for one was not until early adolescence and still have caused profound problems with gender identity, bonding, and most importantly trust…trusting self (Not sure she can tell when someone is safe) and others.
I think its funny the studies we do – WE ALL are from broken childhoods, every one of us in some way. – understanding the abuser and finding forgiveness and setting unbreakable boundaries is the only way to be free from automatic childhood REACTIONS.
AFTER forgiveness is MAINTAINED steadily, daily, monthly etc, we find we can SEE situations alot more clearly and make WISER decisions based on the facts NOT based on our Childhood reactions.
A stability in temprement comes and the ability to assess the facts without self critisism.
Because what we realise from understanding why the Abuser abuses is the following:
1.They themselves were traumatised, frightened, hurt in their childhood – which we can empathise with, giving us compassion and an understanding towards their behaviour.
2.They were not taught how to cope with their frustrations but were shown only abuse as an example of how to cope.
3.The abuse that they now commit was never about the one they abuse, it was only ever about their LACK of Capacity to deal maturely with their frustrations.
THE KEY HERE IS…. It was never about the victims lack of anything – IT WAS, AND IS, ALWAYS ABOUT THE ABUSERS LACK of Capacity to deal maturely in life.
But the understanding doesnt stop there, if it did the healing would not complete itself and freedom from the chains of CEM would never happen.
From here we are to have compassion on our abuser and forgive them completely, this will more often than not include a daily regime of practicing forgiveness towards the abuser
WITH this we MUST Set Firm boundaries in our lives that we do not allow to be broken ever again.
And as I like to say ” I am called to forgive, but Im not called to step back into the firing line again and again”.
Time to seperate yourself from the abuser
Thankyou for your words, I feel exactly the same way.
Takes courage and compassion to put yourself out there.
Values principles and connections with needed trust is paramount to me.
Wendolyn
Wow. Reading previous comments are all right-on. Self-criticism is just part of the iceberg of CEM in adult romantic relationships, although a big part. Lack of trust is huge, as are confusion/lack of skills in boundaries tendencies to look at the world through “rose-colored glasses,” or compulsive care-taking behaviors that are actually attempts to control the environment even when it’s unnecessary. It’s my experience that CEM causes all relationships to be compromised in some way and causes significant challenges in romantic relationships. Thankfully, with correct support, therapy, and some money, CEM can be treated.
Trauma creates an experience of distorted and inconsistent boundaries, sometimes being too rigid and other times being too open, hoping or fantasizing that the Other will protect you in ways you were not.
Adults who have experienced CEM may have developed self-criticism as a means of defence in order to short circuit the emotional abuse. They become harder on themselves than anyone else would be to avoid being criticized, but the self-critic becomes problematic in that it undermines self-confidence and feelings of in worthiness to be loved for some people.
Trauma is not always physical, it is often seen by the parent as overated by the child. Jesting name calling, with a “Just Kidding” attitude. Lack of tenderness. The total lack of validating the way the child feels. I have seen lack of ability to trust – always watching waiting for some infraction that can cause / pain / defensiveness / leaving before the person has a chance to hurt them. This seems to carry into personal relationships of all kinds.
Abuse normalises ill-treatment. Children accept their childhood reality as the norm and expect it in adult hood, even if they also fight against it. So the adult abuse survivor will choose people based on perental models even if the models are poor. Thus both friends and lovers will be people who give the abused person poor, mixed or bad messages.
They do this because being treated badly feels normal to them. This further perpetuates the cycle of abuse begun in childhood.
Then even if they bring up their own children doing the opposite of what their own abusive parenting did, they have no real experience of good parenting, and low self-esteem, so there will inevitable be gaps.
Also, child abuse victims have difficulty understanding messages coming into them, and in even hearing good messages about themselves at all. The neural pathways that accept positive messages are not developed. It can take a long time to alter these neurological perceptions in the worst cases. And requires courage ( and money).
It can be done though, and the good news is that gaps in good parenting can be fixed at any time in life, and with a lot of steady positive regard, the abused person can build those neural others and develop self- care and positive self regard. There will always be some grieving and scars, but in time the abuse survivor can become a thriver in their own right.
It is extremely difficult to locate the article at the journal site, on which this short attending reference is located within the journal. Could you please note the title of the article? Thanks!
My father chose to work overseas when I was 6 (for financial gain) and that childhood trauma was never dealt with. He used to stay away for six months at a time, come home for a month and then go away again. this lasted for 8 years. It was so cruel for all of us, I have 3 brothers, but now realise how hard it was for my mum who was in her thirties.
Political instability in my country of birth, found us migrating to Australia as a family. Financial hardship caused my parents to argue a lot.
I had a disastrous first marriage with a man 17 years older than me. I was 21 and had to also look after his 13 year old son. He was a womaniser and I left him 4 years after the marriage. His constant lies made me lose respect in him.
I had some brief relationships with people my age but I guess I was expecting commitment when they were not ready.
I ended up marrying a man 8 years older than me and had 2 children. I did a lot for the relationship to survive. He was a good provider but very self centred and emotionally absent for me. Last year he left me after I found emails to other women where he is being flirtatious and uses emotional language he has not used with me for years… We have been together for 26 years! The last two years before discovering the emails I was very busy looking after my father who had hard issues and cancer, whilst working P/T and running the household and looking after my two adult sons who were university students.Initially I blamed myself, for not being available more for him but with the help of my psychologist I have learnt that it is not my fault. My husband doesn’t want to engage in any form of counselling and from the first moment wanted to meet only to separate our finances, nothing else. I have found that yoga and dancing has helped me stay sane during the last 11 months. I am learning to stand on my own two feet, I am going back to teaching F/T as I want to stay in my home etc.
CBT is helping me. Revisiting childhood trauma and examining my relationship with my mum, with my previous psychologist, used to leave me in tears, and I would leave her office feeling worse than when I went in. CBT is a better way as my current psychologist gives me hope to face the future.