Romance can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, but for many people it can also be quite a challenge.
Beyond the normal hurdles of developing and sustaining relationships, recent research suggests that childhood abuse and neglect might make people more vulnerable to troubled romantic relationships in adulthood.
Professor Golan Shahar and Dana Lassri, of Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Israel (BGU), conducted two studies with college students to see how early-life trauma and emotional abuse affect romantic relationships later in life.
Participants were asked to complete the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire to determine whether or not the participants had a history of Childhood Emotional Maltreatment (CEM).
Then, participants responded to questionnaires about both the quality of and their satisfaction with their current romantic relationship.
The researchers found a link between childhood emotional abuse and self-criticism, and a further link between childhood maltreatment, self-criticism, and dissatisfaction in romantic relationships.
Participants with a history of CEM tended to have low self-esteem and many also exhibited PTSD symptoms.
While many practitioners have already seen first-hand how unresolved childhood trauma can impact relationships throughout life, the key here is self-criticism.
It seems from this study that there’s a strong tendency to self-criticize in many people who’ve experienced CEM, and this is what leads to problems in intimate relationships.
This new connection between childhood trauma, self-criticism, and relationship problems may be a key factor in helping couples heal their relationship.
Please remember that because this is a non-randomized study with correlative findings, we have to be careful about the conclusions that we draw from it.
For the full story, you can check it out in the Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, volume 31, issue 3.
For practitioners, learning how to help trauma survivors connect with their loved ones is an important part of the healing process.
How have you seen trauma impact romantic relationships? Please leave a comment below.
Yes is does – my husband was fairly young when his parents got divorced – he was shifted into various hostels – his younger brother stayed with his mom until old enough to go to a school hostel as well. They sometimes went to mom & then to dad. Even today his mom makes no contact on his birthday. Thank GOD for a step mom who really share our lives & is interested in him.
It is no surprise that children whose trust has been violated, who have not experienced nurturing and safe attachment and who additionally were subjected to derogatory judgments and harsh discipline would not have the skills and self-esteem to build and sustain positive adult relationships. This is a lesson for governments on the wise investment of substantial resources in teaching parenting skills and prioritising child protection in creating stable and non-violent societies. We all pick up the pieces in the long term in the mental health and criminal justice systems of failing to do this. But this must accompany a fundamental change in social values, with less emphasis on Gross National Product and endless economic growth [which is not environmentally sustainable] to focusing on the centrality of caring human relationships.
U r SO correct
fully agree…… it is sad not more think this way…
Childhood early trauma effects not only the brain development of the individual but the bonding and attachment skills needed for secure attachment. I am curious about the impact of that early brain development impeding the aging process. If memory problems and concentration and ptsd symptoms occur post childhood that early trauma has to have an effect on the neurological functioning as we biologically age. Are we lesss resilient after all as children?
Yes, I’ve seen first hand how post traumatic stress syndrome can affect a marriage(mine). We went in to see Dr. A for couples counseling. However, after listening to us talk about our problems, Dr. A suggested that I come to see him alone, to be treated for my post traumatic stress syndrome, which was caused by early childhood physical and emotional abuse.
He helped me see how my fears were affecting my relationship w/my husband. I can now relate to my husband as a “real husband”, and, not as a “stand-in for my father”.
child hood trauma’s -small and big which we ALL have – influence our lives every single day in whatever we do and off course influence all our relationships.
I’ve observed this same correlation for years, and would add that auto immune problems and other somatic symptoms are also a part of this. The negative voice inside their heads is incredibly relentless, picayune, and punitive. I’ve noticed that the person tends to get “lost” during any type of conflict imagined or otherwise. It’s like they lose their way internally because the self-criticism is so adept with circular reasoning. There is obviously a dearth of self compassion, no refutation of the critical inner voice.
I’ve recently started Neuroptimal braintraining through neurofeedback. Every time your brain is about to go off track in the synchronicity of its electrical wave output, the system alerts you. I find that the thought I had just before the system notifies me are all negative self-talk. I hear myself asking if something was the right thing to do, is this how normal people would respond, or berating myself about what i should/shouldn’t have done. Wow. Quite an enlightening experience.
From a clinicians point of view, the relationship between childhood maltreatment and later relationship challenges is obvious. In Healing the Wounds of Childhood, the author (me) tells his own story of an abusive childhood and later relationship failures. He also describes how he overcame those obstacles.
CME has been a significant problem in everyoneof my adult relationships.
Self criiticism is a constant reminder of the child abuse I have been exposed to.
I am presently going through a breakup which spanned 13 years.
It’s always the same pattern.it starts off with me being the dominant partner
In the relationship and then somewhere down the line this shifts to her becoming the dominant
one and they leave me alone and lonely. I plead for them to stay but to no avail.
I do feel i have been traumatized and feel victimized and do think I have symptoms of PTSD.
This is a chronic pattern for me and cannot seem to be able to break this recurring cycle.
I am really tired of this behaviour but don’t know what to do to change it
I get it my love. I have all of the above as well. I have been working on self love compassion and loving kindness for myself. It’s so true when they say you have to love yourself first. It sounds crazy and makes no sence. But it’s true. We keep looking to other people to love and care for us the way we were supposed to be as children. But, we’re not children anymore. We need to love ourselves, learn our wants, desires and needs first. Only we can do this, not other people. Bless you sweet soul, take the love you give to others and lavish it on yourself. You deserve it! Good luck!
I have found that I am hyper-vigilant, even 30 years removed from abuse. I have had to train myself to stop analyzing and second guessing my partner’s motives and put the brakes on my own inner dialogue that jumps directly to defense mode, whether or not an actual attack (of any nature) is occurring. If I don’t put a halt to this auto-play, it goes on like this:
“Why’s he doing the dishes now? Why is he making so much (normal, expected) noise doing the dishes? He thinks I should do the dishes. He’s doing the dishes to make a comment about my housekeeping.” Enter anxiety, followed by a stream of “Are you okay?”, “I’ll do the dishes; you don’t have to do the dishes”, “Why are you upset??” type questions, all in a strange attempt to either get to the meat of what’s wrong or to just cut to the fight and get it over with, all of which confuse my partner, who was just doing the dishes because there were dishes that need doing.
“…second guessing my partner’s motives and put the brakes on my own inner dialogue that jumps directly to defense mode, whether or not an actual attack (of any nature) is occurring.”: THIS!
This describes the hyper-vigilance I feel! No dishes involved in my case, but second guessing if I emailed him something that has upset him; “Why hasn’t he emailed me back”, “Did I say something wrong?”, “Is he fed up with me”? All fostered by a history of growing up with parents for whom it seemed like nothing I did was ever good enough unless it was PERFECT. Where getting the belt, being hit with anger, being put down as a daughter was not uncommon.
Oy oy oy. On top of it, my partner comes from a household where CEM was the norm.
Appreciate the dialogue and I find if a trauma survivor puts themselves in an environment to receive criticism over and over the same effects occur not matter how much work that person has done within themselves.
Of course, I have…. multiple relationships (including marriage to 3) to men that were all addicts, and abusive, because I was sure I could ‘help’ them…..! As a child, I was called ADD, dyslexic, the problem child, and much more ….was told the family would be alright if I was gone… I left at 17 and they still weren’t any different, but, by that time I believed it to be true… hence a lifetime of sef-hate and fault-finding… ‘never good enough’. Of course, I picked relationships that would prove my beliefs about myself to be true!
My relentless search for my own well-being brought me to Advanced CranioSacral therapy… and the levels of anxiety I had carried have clearly been resolving. As well, I use the Choose-Again (Institute) process… forgiveness (of myself) work, to clear beliefs very quickly. I have spent my life, and thousands of dollars, becoming the best therapist for others by, of course, finding my own well-being. The Developmental Trauma information and Dr Van der Kolk’s book have been extremely supportive and enlightening, as well.
PS, my mother was psychotic, and a multiple-personality (undiagnosed all the years I was at home)..my Dad was a workaholic. I had to be my mother’s mother until she died… Guilt and shame have been the deepest pain I have been unearthing with my forgiveness work…. the format I use is awesome! – I can share if you are interested. And of course, my Cranio Clients benefit from me being a clearer “mirror’ for them…. a case of ‘we teach ( or work at) what we need to know the most’. I am vitally grateful for the beginning I had now…. as it ‘drove’ me to find answers and a state of well-being that most of the time is awesome!
If we are not in right relationship with self ie self liking and self loving then we cannot extend this out into our romantic relationships and indeed other relationships well or consistently..
This all leads to dysfunction patterns super imposing themselves over and over. .
Hi. I just broke up with my sig-o of six years. He manifests all the classic behaviors of covert narcissism including emotional abuse (gas lighting, lying, cold-shouldering). He admittedly lacks all empathy, cannot bring himself to ever apologize, reports suffering from self-loathing at least 75% of every day, and claims that his unrelenting and increasing anger is due to my inability to fulfill his emotional needs as a “real girlfriend.” I have managed all his relationships (including his professional advancement) and applied myself to exhaustion over the course of our history. Two years ago his mother died (his primary emotional source) and his contentious divorce was final (his “trapped” emotional source) leaving me as his sole source. Both events rapidly accelerated his neediness and six months ago I began to recoil at his insults,increasing demands, and rage by refusing to adjust my life to satisfy his insecurity, anxiety, and fear. I tolerated his behavior believing it to be temporary depression, grief, and/or trauma in response to his recent life events. I just recently bailed after reading that narcissism is caused by early childhood trauma where love is abundant but safety and security are missing. My now ex was adored as an only-child by both parents and bullied unmercifully at school until age 9. His parents could do nothing to stop the torment which caused him to focus on becoming the “smartest kid in the class” for self-preservation. His IQ is off the chart, however his EQ is non-existent and he remains friendless to this day. I understand this is a typical trauma scenario for covert narcissism. Most on-line sources report that it cannot be overcome and that narcissists will continue to act as emotional predators regardless of therapy and that as sad as it is, they cannot ever feel or express real love. We tried trauma counseling, couples counseling, and various communications seminars to no avail. Both of us were/are willing to explore alternative therapies to help if there are any, however as you can imagine he refuses to accept that narcissism plays a role. I am also happy to believe that narcissism is not the problem if there is another explanation and a way to move forward together without sacrificing my personhood and happiness. Thoughts anyone?
From your description it sounds like he is an Enneagram Type 4. This is not the narcissistic type 3. The lack of compassion for self is key. 4s have not developed their capacity for reflection of their despair and in order to move forward they must be willing to go deeper. These are the issues that a counsellor is required to navigate. The general gist is “I thought you understood me but you don’t” These concepts are from the Enneagram Healing Practitioners work.
I’ve been looking for this book you’re referring to since I use the Enneagram quite a bit in my counseling practice. Can you please supply authors name? And is this the correct book title can’t seem to find it! Thanks much in advance.
I Have been exploring where, for me, the notion of shyness comes from, as well as how it feels in my body as a felt sense. As opposed to introvertness, shyness seems to be a learned manner of self criticism rather than an innate trait.
Although my daughter was very loved, she witnessed much anger in our home growing up, directed towards me and her brother. She has much difficulty with all intimate relationships. Interestingly, I would say that my son received a great deal of emotional abuse from his father … “What’s the matter with you?” on a daily basis, but has a better ability to maintain intimate relationships. He is more resilient than she. In fact, I wonder if the fact that she was just kind of good at everything and received almost no criticism made her less resilient. Mainly, as a parent, I see that I should have left that relationship sooner for the sake of my children. However, I also feel that the children benefited from their father and I maintaining a positive relationship after the marriage for their sake. Both have commented on both of these factors – I should have left sooner for the sake of everyone, and their freedom to come and go between homes made them feel safe.
Because of my childhood maltreatment and neglect I devalue myself and then find any criticism or complaint as a major blow to my ego and am extremely defensive. Also I can get very frightened by healthy attachment because I am expecting abandonment as it happened in my childhood. It’s hard to make good connections when I am expecting abandonment and maltreatment to occur as the pattern was in childhood.
It has impacted all my relationships…drawn to a man who I was married to for 30 years and who was emotionally and verbally abusive….when he left me…which revived all abandonment issues I attempted suicide…It was not planned but a knee jerk reaction….I am drawn to those I cannot get close to or allow to get close to me….Someone has showed up in life recently and I am already pushing him away…he also is similar to my ex-spouse in being emotionally distant etc….
paragraph 6 “….link between childhood emotional abuse and self-criticism…” definitely connects with my life experience. The parental relationship in my family of origin was one of constant turmoil and acted out aggression against each other with brief periods of constructive engagement. The environment was very insecure for me and as a young child I often went into hiding or fled the house. Now that I live with PTSD as the result of trauma fleeing an incestuous partner, I still flee and hide when I am triggered!(but I don’t speak about it because of shame and it sounds completely bizarre) There was excessive criticism of myself as child in my family of origin, from the onset of acne in my teenage years to how my breath smelled and discrete,picky behavioural aspects of my self. The items I mention above were repeatedly mentioned to me as a flaws or something to attend to or I don’t know what??!! Over time these comments which are not as intrusive as physical assaults were internalized and I shrunk and didn’t know what to do if I was out in public and my father told me my breath was bad or that I had more pimples than the day before. I can see now how over time this eroded my confidence-a deep internal state, at a sub-conscious level and has impacted mu life in numerous ways. I had two male partners (twenty years apart in the relationships) both of whom have been extremely, covertly emotional abusive to the point that the second partner was committing covert psychological terror which resulted in incest with my daughter and the consequent loss of my relationship with my two adult children, one of whom is my son.The second last paragraph of the article is hopeful and the point at which I am now with counselling-ways for me to heal the fractured relationship with my adult children through writing letters whether they are sent or not, but writing and writing and remaining hopeful. Still trying to find meaning in life and move beyond abuses from family of origin which were so long ago. Getting into healthy, affirming and supportive adult relationships I think is a good safeguard and goes a long way in enabling an adult who was subjected to familial emotional abuse to recover and live fully. For the past five months I have been living with a caring couple and I continue to walk, crawl and dance along the road to recovery. And I live with Hope.
Yes I have seen this in my couples counseling. Self criticism raising to an obsessive level
I SO relate to the obsessive tendency of self criticism. I hit bottom recently with this . I could feel my brain; it felt broken.
A man I love has said he cares for me deeply but cannot love due to the physical, emotional abuse he experienced in childhood. His mother was horribly murdered when he was 15. He had to identify the body. The police suspect his stepfather but did not have enough evidence to convict. That was 51 years ago.
I have been on a healing journey from childhood sexual abuse by my father. My mother was emotionally unavailable and abusive and i ended up attracting a very abusive relationship which i was in for five years. I had really low self esteem, thought i would die if anyone touched me and i allowed my self to feel it, even just a gentle hug. I could not trust anyone, including myself. I spent alot of time alone because i just couldnt handle being around people. If someone told me they loved me, i’d break down and shut down Completly. I was emotionally unstable and an undercoverlover. And that is what hurt the most. Punishing myself and denying the love that i am and the love i really wanted to share. I have engaged in some deep holistic healing practices and i would highly recommend yoni healings. It changed my life. Trauma is stored in the body. If we do not connect with our bodies and feel our pain we will always be a victim of our circumstances. Much love to you all.forgiveness is a healer. Xxx
I totally agree that trauma is stored in the body. TRE also teaches this. I have benefited so much from it, both experiencing it and studying it. I have been married twice, both times to men who were emotionally detached and physically and verbally abusive. I now realise that their criticism of me resonated with my self-self – critism brought on by the neglect I experienced in my childhood. I am now in a very healthy relationship, thanx to TRE.
I Was Born Into A Massively Dysfunctional Family. Extreme (Criminal) Physical Abuse From Around The Age Of 5 Onward (That I Recall) From My Father. My Two Brothers & I Lived In A State Of Constant Terror, Never Knowing What To Do Or How To Behave Waiting For The Next Outburst Of His Rage. If Not Physically Beating Us He Would ”Play”With Us By Setting Us Up Into Catch-22 Situations To Fail At, For His Excuse For Our Next Lot Of Punishment. (Long Before The Term Catch-22 Ever Existed). Meanwhile Our Mother Showed Us Little Love Or Concern, Cold, Distant & Aloof Always Backing Our Father With Comments Such As ”Do As He Tells You & You Won’t Get Into Trouble” or ”He Is The Boss. Do As You Are Told.”His Whole Manner Was To Bellow & Threaten Us. I ”Survived” In A Haze Of Denial. Years Later I Married A Woman Who Was Fighting Her Own Father Over Various Issues. Her Mother Had Died When She Was 11. I Both Loved Her & Wanted To Support Her, Having Some Concept Of What She Had Lost In Her Own Life. We Had A Gentle Loving Relationship Until Our Wedding Night When Suddenly All Affection From Her Ended. Her Moodiness & Lack Of Communication Continued Over The Years. I Never Knew Where I Stood With Her & She Would Just Shut Down On All Matters Of Any Importance Within The Marriage. (Emotional/ Financial etc.) Due To Employment Pressures, Anxiety etc. I Started To Burn Out In My Mid 30’s. Headaches Dominated My Life Which Compounded The Cycles I Was Going Through. I Continued To Love My Wife Accepting Her ”Unhappiness” As A Part Of Who She Was. A Sudden Turn In Direction Came About After Our 3 Children Were All At School Age. My Wife Obtained A Job In A Bank. I Felt This May Be Of Benefit To Her In Numerous Ways. It Did Increase The 7 Day A Week Work For Us Both & Again Suddenly She Was Talking Of Getting A Transfer Into A Country Branch Hundreds Of Miles / Kilometers Away. It Was A Shock & Confusing As To How That Would Work Out. We All Moved Into A Newly Built Home That I Designed. A Role Reversal Had Been Agreed To & I Sought Casual Employment. The Beautiful Dream Ended Shortly After With A Court Order From Her To Evict Me. She Quickly Replaced Me With Another Man & Divorce Followed.I Had To Return To The City For Employment. The Distance & Changed Circumstances Along With Her On Going Negative Comments About Me (Attempted Justifications ) Over Time Further Distanced My Children From Me. Much Deep Depression Followed. A Medical Condition I Had Required An MRI But This Caused Flashbacks To An A Brutal Childhood Situation From My Father. I Left There Screaming & Was Directed To Seek Psychiatric Help…Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Had Suddenly Surfaced Dominating My Life From That Moment Onward. Even Deeper Depression, Isolation, Stress, Anxiety. My Children Ridiculed My Condition On The Rare Times I Saw Them. Obsessive Hoarding Congested My Residence & All Friends etc. Were Refused Entry Due To My Embarrassment. A Long Period Of A Deep Dark Void Rather Than Any Life Prevailed. Relationships With Women Had All Failed Between Being Evicted From My Home & Family & This Breakdown. My Father Had Died Long Ago. i Continued To Visit & Support My Widowed Mother Who Was Carer( For The Govt. Cash Benefits To My Younger Brother Who Had A Terminal Condition. My Older, Childless, Divorced Brother Died From Cancer. He Had Totally Rejected Our Mother Due To Her Uncaring Nature Towards Him When I Took Him To Visit Her, Both Aware Of His Days Being Numbered. He Quickly Regressed To His Childhood Days, Repeating Over & Over Again. ”It’s Still, Just About Her & Nobody else !” & ”She Never Protected Us !” He Asked Me To Arrange His Funeral But Shorty After He Vanished, Shutting Me Off In The Process. He Got A Stranger To Arrange The Funeral & She Claimed To Be His Wife (No Evidence Of) His Estate Went 100% To Her In His Desire To Totally Disconnect From ” The Family”. Despite My Disgust Of My Mother’s Behaviour To My First Dying Brother, My Focus & Concern Grew Stronger For My Mother. Visiting & Helping Her & My Only Living Brother. Meanwhile My Children Avoided Me & My Mother. This Was My Only Social Activity ! My Other Brother Also Died A Few Years Later. I Was Again Shocked By My Mother’s Comments & Behaviour About Him At The Time. I Put That Behind Me & Focused On My Mother’s Needs. She Too Was Not In The Best Of Health But The Constant Driving To Her Place On Demand Was Wearing Me Down. (80 kms / 50 miles Return In Heavy Traffic) Where Were The Other ”Family” Members To Assist Her & Me ? I Developed A Number Of Different Medical Conditions Needing Investigation But This Did Not Go Down At All Well With My Mother As It Was Interfering With ” Her Routine.” Too Many Stories About Her Dissatisfaction Over These Sorts Of Matters, But An Example…Over The Phone,”Mum I’m Sick With A Heavy Flu. Been In Bed The Last 3 Days. The Doctor Said For Me To Stay Away From You Due To Your Fragile Condition.”…”I’ll Risk That ! I NEED MILK !” No I Didn’t Go, We Obtained Community Health Support For Her But She Hated Me For That. Over Time She Became Extremely More Critical Of Me (Always Was) To The Point Of Hysteria At Times While Other Times She Would Sell Me The Joys Of Living In Her Home & How Rich I Will Be After She ”Has Gone”… ”Your Ex-Wife Will Have The Shits When You Inherit All Of This.” Often She Would React To Me As Though I Was Her Husband But Towards The End She Hated Me For Being (According To Her)”Just Like Your Father !” Then A Sudden , Massive Shock & I’m Being Told She ”Want’s Nothing To Do With Me Anymore.”… ” I’m Going Into A Nursing Home. It’s All Been Arranged By Your Uncle (Her Brother) The Will Has Been Changed Too !…I Don’t Want You To Have Anything To Do With My Funeral Now & Don’t Come Back Here Again !” So That Was That. All Sorts Of Secrets Going On & Uncle Refusing To Talk To Me About It. Yet I Was The Only One Helping Her…Her Only Living Child ! I Was Fortunate In Having Stumbled Onto Counselling As A Part Of Treatment For One Of The New Medical Conditions. It Helped Me Prepare For It All As My Mother’s General Behaviour Was Predicted In Advance With Earlier Warnings Of…” Your Mother Will Try To Control You To Her Last Breath, As Well As From Her Grave.” So Much For What I Thought Was ”Love”, ”Respect”, & ”Family Ties.” It Was Just Control From Her Through Conditioning Over A Lifetime That I Wasn’t Aware Of. To Fully Close The Circle I Can Now See That Too In ”Uncle’s” Behaviour, Throughout My Life. So The Dysfunction Was From Both Sides & Spreading Into Uncles & Aunties As Well (Her Sister). Is It Any Wonder That I Found It Difficult To Relate To People ? My Two Sons & I Were Given Equal Share Of Her Will. This Too Has Caused More Family Friction From My Sons Towards Me. My Mother Was In The Ear Of My Eldest Son Running Me Down In Secret & Letting Him Know What They Would Get For Believing Her. (My Daughter Was Totally Left Out). The Date Of Her Will Coincided With One Of Her Outbursts Because I Was Unable To Attend To Her Commands On That Day. The Following Day I Assisted, The Next Day She Was At The Solicitors Office ! 66+ & Still Suffering From The Past But Not As Much As Before.
Was physically and emotionally abused. Father rage based mom an alcoholic. I have had to find ways to to adapt, adjust and overcome my challenges. Sometimes you fall back down the slope but you have to get back up. My faith in God ,family and friends that are willing to love understand me unconditionally have made a great difference. First admit you have issues and need help. Get the help,Meds counseling. What ever will help you keep your relationship. I am 67 and still struggle with theses issues. I have a broken relationship with 2 of my children, and have not seen 5 of my grandchildren for years. Believe me being shunned for this issue is a living death. Take steps to get better. The only thing you leave when you pass away of true value are relationships. Make the life you have better not bitter.
I am in a 5 year intimate relationship with a woman, who suffered severe physical and emotional abuse throughout her childhood. I am also a abuse survivor but it has not affected me as deeply or been as traumatising. In the beginning our relationship was amazing and everything was exciting and loving. We made plans for the future together and generally were deeply in love with each other. As time moves on the relationship is more about triggered emotions and trauma, which I am happy to support her through but sometimes and actually often, it is me/my life that is triggering these dark emotions in her and I feel really out of my depth to comfort her. The discussions that ensue are ongoing and often leave me wanting a huge distance from her. It takes me a long time to recover from these ‘dark episodes’. Sometimes I feel she actually wants to sabotage our relationship. We live in separate cities and so do not see each other a lot and so our time together is precious but these trauma’s are killing it. Part of me feels that she is incapable of having a intimate relationship and I can’t see where we can go from here……………..
When you are abused as a child, you learn to trust no one. The people who were supposed to love and protect you when you were small didn’t. This lesson, not to trust, is also a lesson not to connect emotionally, because you will be hurt. I am nearly 65, have been married more than once, have been single for 9 years. I realized that for whatever reason, I am incapable of having a relationship with a “normal” person, because inevitably, I have chosen sociopaths. They seem wonderful at first, but after the weeding, become the same animal my father was. It only took me 50 years to figure this out…that dad is what I know, so dad is what I found. I quit dating and marrying dad in all his incarnations.
I just wish I had figured this out when my own children were small, so they could have been spared the abuse, verbal, emotional pain that I did. I left their father after being married to him for ten years, hoping I could get them away in time, so they would never go through what I did. I failed, because I married a man too similar in disposition to the last one, brilliant but insanely cruel. I have been out with one man n the 9 years I have been alone, and that was an eye opener, too. So…I quit. and guess what? Life is simple, quiet, kind, peaceful. My kids and I are constantly working to get past the past. My grandchildren are blessed. They have been surrounded by love. They are my second chance, and I give them love and kisses and hopefully some good memories. I can connect with my children and grandchildren, but in a relationship (romantic and not just as a casual friend, no dating) men, I can’t trust myself to pick the man who won’t end up being a jerk, so I quit looking and content myself with the blessing of my children and grandchildren. I feel like I am one of he lucky ones. I have survived. please post me anonymously, I have a career I cannot imperil.
I have seen hyper vigilance in childhood trauma victims which keeps them on edge and sensitized to the actions and verbiage of others. In additions, the chaos experienced in early life is often recreated in relationships, and if the partner doesn’t understand this, or if affects them significantly, they may distance themselves from the one who has been traumatized . It is also very difficult for trust to develop given the fact that distrust may have been overdeveloped or too much trust may interfere with others who know the couple.
I experienced severe childhood trauma and sexual abuse at the hand of my step-Dad. He tortured and raped me almost daily. My mother knew about the abuse and she suffered physical and emotional abuse from him. I was the only child of six who had a different father so I was treated very badly. I was forced to watch him satisfy himself and other men were brought in to watch. They actually paid to watch me and my brother be abused and tortured. They also had a hand in it too.
Therefore, I have not had successful relationships at all. I was married once for 9 years to a very good man and I had a child by him. My son is now 23 and I still can’t seem to find a man who doesn’t act exactly like my step-Dad.
I experienced trauma as a child through being adopted into a family where my parents were themselves dealing with trauma (dad from the war). I was a very insecure child. I can remember my mother telling me I had an “inferiority complex”. She was authoritative and we clashed later in life. I married at 18 to a violent man and spent the next 18 years dealing with that – by this stage I argued back and on the surface I seemed confident, but I was very self-critical inside. After the marriage ended, I had a series of same-sex relationships in which I was described as emotionally volatile – I worked hard at being wanted – it was exhausting. I am now in a relationship of 12 years and until recently I pushed my partner away, always planning to escape especially when we argued. It seemed like a trigger – if I went to my ‘cubby’ everything would be alright. My partner is steadfast and would not give up on me. Something recently changed in me (I had exhausted all my escape plans perhaps) and I am able to truly commit to the relationship. I feel safe. I feel as if I belong here. The peripherals are not important anymore.
How did you do that? Ive broken up with my boyfriend and looked for flaw after flaw after flaw but am ready to relax and accept he loves me. Im scared tho and keep trying to sabatogue it.
Yes I did experience trauma as a child. I was sexually abused by a paedophile neighbour at around 8 years old. He only raped me once but until I was 15 he would leer and flash himself at me whenever nobody was around. I made it my business to avoid him and his vile antics but I still, to this day see his vile face in my nightmares. This caused me to shut down which affected my ability to learn and I was therefore dyslexic until my late teens. The last time he assaulted me I was 15 and he crept up behind me and licked my bare back (it was summer) and I turned on him and spat in his face and told him to piss off. He never came near me again! I’m shaking as I type these words. I am 55 and will never be able to know what it is to love and be loved in an intimate way. He ruined my life. I am healing but it is a long road but I believe I am on a positive track.
I’m so sorry that happened to you Dianne
Both of my parents were abusive, and it was a battleground with my siblings after school. I was the youngest, and the scapegoat of the family. I have been in two major car accidents. After, I got hit by a drunk driver @ 22 (almost 23) I had 3 operations on my pancreas for pseudo-cyst (caused from trauma–steering wheel). Then I was in a 2nd accident @ 43. I got t-boned on my way to work. The last thing I remember is sitting in a turning lane, but I took responsibility for the accident because I thought I must have turned. I broke both tibias, clavicle, both back teeth, and had a concussion. In the first accident, I had 3 children in the car. It was horrifying, and I remember it in detail. In the second accident, I remember everything until up until the time I was put in the ambulance. I have horrifying memories of I.C.U. I have major depression. I attempted suicide for years. It is mostly hormonal. I was not told this, but I realized the problem and learned to control it after my last suicide attempt at 32. I still have periodic depression, and I feel defeated. I am tired of trying and failing. I am on disability now, but I really want to get a job. I have school loans that are taking part of my disability. They called me at my job, and that is when I started having more flashbacks. I need to get them off my back. The department of education can get blood from a turnip. I am not in a relationship. I don’t do well with up close and personal. I was married once when I was 19 (almost 20). I was in love with him, but he started saying weird stuff (like: I could cut you and you would just lie there…& some things that were more sadistic) & so I left him. He was obsessive possessive. We were in love, but I could not deal with someone who might hurt me. I didn’t want to get that close to anyone after my him. I wanted to wait for sex until marriage, and I didn’t have sex with any one for at least 3 years after my marriage. Then I got really off track for a while. I bought into the philosophy my friends and psychologist had in college. Sex is just a release. It was still a bit hard for me so I usually got drunk before being with a guy. I did realize after a while that it was not working for me, and I tried to develop stronger & more lasting relationships. Then I quit completely. I have not been in a relationship (sexual) for over 2 decades. I just decided it was wrong, and I stopped dating. I like guys, but I had lost my sense of morality. It was after I went to Korea as a missionary that I became a born again virgin. This is totally embarrassing. I do want an up close and personal relationship with a man. I want to find my soul mate, but I want God to help me do this. I want to have close relationships with friends and family too. I am afraid of relationships. I am afraid of getting too close to someone, and how it will affect me. I get depressed around people. I have been closing people out for years, but I don’t totally close them out. I keep them at a distance. Lots of times I just want to feel safe and protected. I want a mom that loves and wants me. That is really embarrassing. I am 57, and I want my mommy. If only I could turn the tables, and give children like me what they desperately need and want then my life would be useful. I hate being needy. That is my life in a nutshell. Ouch!! I don’t really want to be a nut in a shell, but oh well I guess it fits. I am desperate to get over trauma and live up to my potential. Can we leave my name off this post? I will give you a name.
My childhood was not abusive but my parents divorced when I was 7 and my step mother hated all of us (I was the youngest of 5) and isolated my father. I didn’t see him much growing up and we weren’t allowed to call, only write. He did always stay connected though and at the end of his life we had some very special time together. I was always attracted to abusive men. Was married young and had kids with an emotional abuser. I finally got the courage to leave him in my late 30s and married again. I began therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse. I would relive the trauma all the time in my current relationship transferring my ex husband on to my new husband and reacting to things that weren’t happening. I was in therapy for 10 years and was able to learn to open my heart and be vulnerable and trust. It was not easy but worth it and my relationship with my husband today is amazing! He has been so patient and supportive of me through all of this craziness, rolling with the punches so to speak and allowing me to heal. Therapy really is the key to getting over childhood loss and trauma and I know I would never have been able to have a healthy relationship without it.
SEA
Well.. since my childhood trauma set me up to seek out similar personality traits.. I gave too much.. excused too much.. nad was used and abuse over and over again.. until I said no more.. never again and quit romantic relationships all together.. I attract men who are charming and then after they think that they “have” me their real self comes out.. and I am stuck until I can figure out how to get out.. so now.. I don’t even consider dating or seeking any kind of romantic relationship.. anymore.. never, never, never.. My peace of mind is more important than anything else.. so being alone is fine with me.. I do socialize with other families with children.. since my son needs to have playdates.. but otherwise forget it. the heartache.. being the target of revengeful men.. who try to financially ruin me for leaving them.. is simply not worth it.. I attract the worse of the worse men.. who have nothing but using me and my financial ability… even when I was younger and prettier.. they were just users.. never again.. the last 1/2 of my life will be peaceful.. and about taking care of myself and my son. no more idiots
Dear Ruth,
Thankyou for thinking of me. I am afraid of getting close in romantic relationships. It is not something I have control over, I avoid relationships before closeness happens, completely unconsciously. Potential partners have asked why I avoid them and I think it is because i am afraid of losing control, of letting go so that I have to let them in. I block potential partners out, even the really nice ones. I have lost out on some good, decent men. I have always lived alone since leaving home. I am 55 and never married or had children. I would have liked to. Why am I like this? Can it be helped, I would like to know. Thankyou.
Reading this, I feel my chest break open. These words could easily be about the man who was once my boyfriend. We were so in love. We were close. Intimate. Loving. Then freaked out. Erected roadblocks. Relented and removed them. Then re-erected them. Then removed them again. Re-erected them again.
I felt confused, sad, frustrated.Exhausted.
I love this man. My heart feels deeply connected to his vulnerability. But. He has a deep history of extreme abuse. There is so much he has never told me.
After he put too many roadblocks in the way of our relationship, I had to go my own way. His actions hurt me enormously … not because he wouldn’t acknowledge that he was behaving in those ways, but because his desire to do anything about those things wasn’t greater than his desire to receive love.
How can you give love to someone so loving, who is incapable of receiving that love?
I am seeing someone like that who is desperately trying to overcome his personal barriers that he has in place due to unspeakable abuse and malnourishment as a child, very loving and giving person and claims he wants to have an authentic relationship. I too will probably have to let him go though, because even though he is in therapy and managing his medications and profession, I do not think he has the will to fully commit to the level of therapy it would require to reach this goal. I ask myself this same question as you. It is terrible for them, such sadness follows them long after the abuse has ended due to the struggle they have to connect, even when they truly love someone, and are loved in return. Time is another major factor when you need a lot of time to devote to that much therapy and both work full time and there are kids, it is nearly impossible even if both parties are willing.
For me trauma makes me have a lack of trust which is huge in a relationship….i have suffered extreme child abuse and then went into a domestic violent relationship and now i don’t know how to have an intimate relationship nor do i really want one…
I am currently in an intimate, romantic relationship, and find that childhood trauma and negative self tLk affect my pruner a great deal. I try to focud on the positive things in his life, and affirm his goodness and generous heart.
Listen to God. He says, “I have always loved you. And I always will.” I’ve been through trauma after trauma, and although He sees me through, the scars are still there. Part of it is my own fault for being disobedient to Him. Some of it has come from other people. We all suffer, but it is our decision to face the situation, and discover within ourselves what it actually is. This takes a lot of time sometimes, decades maybe. But God is working something good out of it all, and He will accomplish what He set out to do for you – reveal His unfailing Love. Actually, it may not be other people at all, but the enemy who we are fighting, I.E. Satan. He would just love to tear up our souls and put us through all kinds of hell. Even make us blame God, and turn against Him. If we do, God will be loving us still. Because it is not through our good efforts, our ” measuring up” that will cause Him to love us. He just does.
Hi Ruth, I have seen an apparent link between childhood emotional trauma leading to adults with schemas including defectiveness, emotional deprivation, social isolation, vulnerability to harm and other directedness ( eg: self sacrifice or self subjugation or approval seeking). Sometimes there is also emotional inhibition and negativity and pessimism. Individuals may be half aware of these thinking traits but not really aware of how their own schemas get so hooked within their current attachment relationships.
Bronwyn,
I couldn’t agree more. I know it to be true in my own life. The problem is ” you don’t know what you don’t know”. For me, it will be a process of a lifetime. It sometimes seems I’m dealing with Matruska dolls, I unpack one only to find another inside. Our society is not one which asks you to do deep rumination, in fact it would much rather we be superficial and artificially consistent. Although people may be encouraged to do some work, it’s usually of the quick-fix 8 session insurance sanctioned type. For me, unpacking the ties between adult trauma( 30 years with a NPD {covert}) and childhood trauma (sexual assault by relative, emigration to another continent, constant bullying at new school, by pupils and teachers, watching my mother’s BI-polar tendencies become dominant while my dad worked 3 jobs). I internalized it all. I became dissociative, but didn’t realize it I pushed people away as soon as there was any type of attachment. I was engaged to a loving, kind man and actually thought he ” loved me too much”. My other-directedness was so pronounced that I honestly thought I was being kind to us both by breaking it off. I wasn’t aware that I was deserving of love, the giving was my job. It has taken a variety of circumstances, including therapy, meditation, dissolution of old belief systems to put me on the path I am on – one where I acknowledge my right to a full and complete life including all types of love. I am well worth the effort. My point is, everyone deserves to fight for themselves, it may not be quick nor easy but each new breakthrough brings you closer to the light and the more you know the more you can reach.
Emotional abuse certainly affects adult relationships and have seen that in my own life, which has helped me understand when I work with others . The sad thing is that as a child you are unable to alter or understand what is happening around you and normalise it, so it becomes a part of your and your adult relationships. I have learned to love myself now have healthier relationships as a result
I spent my 20s in continuous heartbreak. I wanted a relationship but was afraid to be in one because of observing my mother’s dysfunctional relationships. I also tended to intimidate men because I was smart and professionally successful. But in my 30s my attitude changed. I thought, “If I’m going to intimidate most men, I might as well do so as efficiently as possible.” The gentle, sensitive man I ended up marrying wasn’t intimidated. His parents were happily married for 55 years and there was no dysfunction in their marriage or in their relationships with him. My trauma issues hardly ever come up because he doesn’t trigger me. And when someone else triggers me, he’s very understanding.
God bless you.. I am so very happy that you were able to break the bonds of trauma.. YES! YES! YES! I am glad you shared your story.. even though I don’t have any hope that way myself… it is wonderful to hear someone has been able to be FREE!
Very inspiring Rebecca!
Thank you for this interesting report. I am wondering how severe the trauma needs to be to impact on a person’s relationships. I can remember as a child being very fearful of getting into trouble with my Dad. My mum would relate how “bad” I was while he w a small not around and I lived in fear of the repurcussions. However I thought that was normal. It was the 1950’s
I believe that when an individual experiences trauma at a young age, he or she feels she has a problem that has to be “fixed” (and does not know it is not his or her problem). These individuals are prone to be “fixers” in our professional lives. In our professional lives, this is a huge skill set, most of us are very successful in fixing. However, when we bring this skill into our personal lives, as many of us do, we wind up with very troubled partners, and trying hard, repeatedly, to “fix” them. Hence we may stay way too long in dysfunctional relationships.
That makes anecdotal and experiential sense, and rings true in terms of individuals. Is there any objective research to support your belief? Or are you just very insightful?
I agree in many ways, the one thing I would add, however, is that at times we may avoid relationships altogether. Thoughts on this?
So true.
25 years not 255! LOL
In my therapeutic work using Qigong Principles as a vehicle for personal empowerment, I have witnessed many participants choose to make significant changes in their personal relationships after finding their inner strength and doing the work necessary to heal those childhood wounds.
As a survivor myself, I have personally found that as I heal personally, my relationship with my wife of 255 years gets better and better. She understand me better and I am able to recognize when I am moving towards self deprecation and victimization.
I would witness my dad going after my sister after you told my mom to go F off. He would go crazy and the big melee would ensue. My mom would get in between them so my sister would not end up dead. It was frightening. My brother and I would hide as to not be in the path of my dad. After he calmed down, I would be the kid trying to talk to him about his temper. He listened to me but nothing really changed. I was married for a short time and then never could make the connection. I did not have the connection with my husband either. He was from a much more normal up bringing and I do not think we could related to each other. I never thought after I left the marriage, I would never get married again. It has been a lonely life romantically. I have had boyfriends but no one I have been super close to and I always wondered why. I also took the easy way out of just about anything due to low self esteem. I lived my career in fear for the most part. Now that I am older, it is worse. I just do not want to pass this low self esteem and limited connections to my daughter.
I’ve been a therapist most of my working life, have no childhood abuse issues but yet have never craved intimacy or marriage. I prefer freedom.
I have been in therapy on and off for thirty years. Married the love of my life who turned out to be a vicious narcissist. Married 20 years. Two beautiful wonderful children. He abandoned is in a maniacal way. I had one out of marriage experience. He left is. His family. This was the most traumatic event. It has been 5 years since we seperated. I can’t recover. I can’t meet other people. I am in severe debilitating pain. Impossible it seems. I have gotten a dwi. My life has slipped away. I don’t even see my sled in the mirror anymore. I am 54. No idea how to get better. All I want is my life before the disaster.
Deep connection to a significant other raises the need to go through the processes of attachment that were hijacked as a child. Finding a person capable of holding that space for me seems impossible. I have what I’ve termed ‘monster danger’ set in my neurology that refuses to feel safe or trust. Despite having awareness and emotional intelligence I have no idea how to respond to being loved. I would like to be set free from this to have a relationship that doesn’t make me scared.
Im 37 and im a cem, as well as long term sexual abuse survivor, at 37 ive never had an intimate relationship, i seem to not be to handle that level of closeness
My name is sandy, I’m 55.
I’ve had intimacy issues since my teenage relationships. Once sex entered the picture, I too found it impossible to have añ emotional attachment coupled with sex, been working with a therapist for sometime now, I’m thinking it will be along, long time before I get into another “intimate” relationship, or live with someone. Maxes out some of the post trauma symptoms I deal with. This is my experience. For you, don’t give up trying to have “that kind” of attachment to another until you’re absolutely sure.
I agree that there is certainly a link between childhood trauma and future relationship problems. Based on my experiences and observations a high percentage of trauma survivors have reported relationship problems. In particular, issues with intimacy. Personally speaking, I believe its important that trauma survivors learn to practice intrapersonal skills in an effort to rebuild a relationship with self, which may, by extension improve self-esteem, before looking outside of self.