In a perfect world, people wouldn’t be judged based on their abilities, gender, or ethnicity.
But all too often, our clients come to us having taken in the harsh, critical messages they’ve received from family members or society.
Shelly Harrell, PhD is a licensed psychologist who specializes in multicultural and community psychology. And in her work at UCLA, she’s seen firsthand how cultural messages can affect people’s beliefs about themselves.
In the video below, Shelly shares how she works with clients to help them deconstruct negative views of their sense of worth.
Take a look – it’s about 6 minutes.
What approaches have you used in working with clients who feel “never good enough”? Please leave a comment below.
while commenting on what another person said about our perception of how we view ourselves. Being a coach I tell myself : “Pause, we believe in you “, this can be very catchy, if you repeat it often enough to “nurture” yourself and to counteract the self-doubt thoughts. Otherwise, knowing that you cannot do it alone also brings into awareness that you don’t have to do it all alone.
I would add one more thing and the idea comes from Dr. Steven Stosney’s work with Core Values. He suggests helping the client build a Core Value Bank of as many positive attributes, accomplishments, achievements and experiences as possible – sort of like depositing money into a savings account and when one experiences negative stereotyping, the client can dip into their core value savings and remind themselves that in reality they are worthy of feeling good about themselves and have as much right to be in this world because of their innate goodness and humanness. No one has more capacity for love or happiness than we do because these are not tied to our colour, creed or how much we earn or achieve. Our compassionate thoughts and optimistic beliefs are what bring us happiness and self love.
Thank you so much for this short video. Sometimes we know this and have heard this before but it is always so good to underline it again and again, so this information can be transmitted with absolute certainty .
Basic therapy questions here. So where did you hear this initially? Tell me about the source, person, situation…etc. explore. And maybe, do you believe that? What do you think it is that causes you to agree with that? Let’s take a look at that. And if it is missing, what do you think you could do to change it (given inadequate at college setting setting)? And some positive feedback; you are here, I experience you as intelligent, aware etc. (truth) This to me is the counseling-education process so often occurring early in therapy and also involving building trust.
Psychodrama is good on this kind of thing…
A way to externalise this voice or thought could be to ask clients to sit on a separate chair as this voice, in role as this belief, we can call it something, ‘the comparer’ or ‘critic’ or whatever your client chooses to, and then the therapist could interview this aspect…so since when are you here, when do you occur, what do you do to x, the client, how are you helpful, why are you still around and needed?
Eventually the client can sit back in their own chair and here in their mind the sort of hear responses given as the inner critic. Encourage the client to make a statement back at this internal role, about how they want to be with it in future.
If they agree with an internal critic…then perhaps more of a becoming aware of the detriment it provides needs exploring. Again you could use a third space…’what would a good friend of yours want for you’, ‘who could give this aspect of you a different message, who could speak up?’. Don’t comply with the critic, at least verbally mark that you do not buy into this inner critical role. Emphasise the need for compassion.
Whatever you end up doing, de-role the chair of the internal critic or whichever aspect it was you had there. This means you ask the client to put the chair away thinking or saying to themselves, this used to be my critical voice, now its just a chair. Good for them to physically active move it away as well.
Then reflect on how this went, how it relates to their lives or what you had been talking about.
It may not be indicated for people who are close to psychosis or have a very shaky sense of self to move onto the chair, using the idea of an internal role can be simply discussed, explored, verbally.
This was a good reminder of how much we crave approval, right from childhood on. I have found that inner child work, sometimes age regression, can be helpful in teaching the client that they can re-parent themselves and see their uniqueness as an asset.
I’d like to explain it from a cabalístic point of view. That voice is our ego our negative side talking and by changing our conciousness we are able to change our beliefs
Many thanks for this vignette.I do Holocaust education in highschools.
This concept is very helpful to apply to survivors of genocide or generally persecution.Even when not so extreme, discrimination can have the impact described: not just not good enough but not being worthwhile to invest in, to be cared for etc.
Really appreciate the insight so clearly presented.
one of my favorites approaches is to write down a list of my good and bad attitudes towards myself. the video just complements beautifully for me this approach – look at each attitude and explore where they come from, use self-compassion and don’t believe everything I think … Thank you so much
I love the CBT idea that ‘everything you think is not true’ coupled with self-compassion. Although this video was about ‘being less than’, I think for those of us who are beginning to understand our white privilege and are more aware of times when an unwelcome, but racist stereotype pops up in out head from nowhere, the same techniques can be used. It can be hard to overcome the implicit messages of one’s upbringing or culture, but awareness and self compassion are tools which provide a way to do so.
In a recent bible study the author asked the question, re: messages we’re listening to about ourselves, “Who told you that?” as a way for us to trace these messages back to their origins and to see if it’s actually true. If it doesn’t lead back to scripture and what God says about us then is it really true? I also use info from Dr. Daniel Amen re: ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) to help challenge their thoughts and remind them that what they think isn’t necessarily true.
This is quite interesting and I like your question about what is learned taught observed are actually true, when we question about the origins and the evidences. I haven’t found the answer myself and think these are mostly usually biased and subjective, depending on where we grow up or who and where we learned the from. But it might entail some personal judgment that also again leads to more biases.
Thanks Ruth and Shelley! I use similar approaches with clients as Shelley does. In addition, I give them homework to do something nurturing for themselves, no matter how small, each day. Most clients who don’t think they”re not good enough, tend to be wonderful caregivers, so the idea of the assignment is to begin to see that they deserve nurturing as much as the people they are nurturers for.
The clients that I work with are recovering from substance use addiction. Sometimes medically assisted often newly diagnosed. There was stigma attached through all of these labels and I work with clients to reduce stigma and encourage positive self-affirmations , daily. I also reframe language related to substance use such as moving from abuse to the word use and eliminating the word clean and replacing it with abstinence there are a lot of negative self messages that go along with just the language we use
Excuse the typos of the word newly, I meant dually diagnosed!
I am not a therapist – but I am part of a rowing team, and the helmsman since two years. I try to raise the self-confidence at neutral moments, not at the moments that someones self-esteem is low. And I want to be concrete, mentioning things that I see and that they can start to see about themselves: That they are strong, or that they are always there, or that they are streightforward – in the last case with an example. That also means that I want them to cling to facts, not to me.
Smart!!!
I have had a lot of help from Tara Brach . Her talk on self-aversion is inspired by Buddhist perspective. She commented that the dahli lama, upon experiencing western culture, was amazed by self-aversion in the west. He Saw it as related to our lack of natural belonging (to tribe, or other more permanent, historical grouping). In our culture , many of us,seem to have to prove, over and over, that we belong to groups we join, at school, work, etc. so parental, or peer disapproval also reflects this fear of non-belonging. And in stead of just feeling the pain of this cultural arrow that says: “there is something wrong” , we point a second arrow to Self and say: “there is something wrong with me”!
Tara Brach adds helpful meditations to increase awareness and choice around this automatic, fear-based, response response.
Yes, fear is an all consuming response.
Thank you sharing these important insights.
I find that working with the client’s internal child and setting up a dialogue between their child and their competent adult part, where the adult acknowledges the painful messages that their child received can create a shift in their perception of the original messages. Dealing with the neural network laid down in the client’s past and helping them to recognise that the messages were negative simply because their peers saw them as different is an important part of the work.
Thank you.
I think that clients who have a negative self image have to find their “voice” in whatever medium, expression, relationship, etc. that shows the world and themselves who they are…. it is a kind of confidence… some place they can hang their hat… something they can call their own. They have to like what they hear themselves standing for, believing in and then share it with their circumstances in the world. Professionals are listeners, facilitators and resources for the client to become aware.
Thanks for the reminders.
I have found that when clients are able to identify the historical subtle and not so subtle messages about self, world and relationships that they learned to believe as a child and then experience the emotion connected with various incidents from childhood and name those emotions, experience the pain, and often shame, with the therapist present and compassionate, they can often begin to heave a different inner dialogue with themselves about themselves, their identities, beliefs, value, emotions. And from there new, more flexible ways of coping and being in the world seem to evolve.
I believe that in order to chance those negative beliefs, our clients will benefit greatly from hypnotherapy. In the relaxed state of hypnosis the mind and emotions are able to absorb positive affirmations as well as visualizing themselves as beautifu, smart, capable, etc., depending upon what the individual goal is. Have a Hypnotherapist who can come into your office occassionally as part of your care plan can help your clients achieve faster and more permanent changes in their self worth. Many insurance companies will pay for the services of a Hypnotherapist if it is billed through your office.
Thank you,
Christina Olin, CHt
Very interesting, thank you !
I work as a Roman Catholic deacon from a faith perspective. In addition to the suggestions she gives, I also ask my clients what they think that God thinks and feels about them. The message of Gods unconditional love is often a counterbalance to the thoughts a person has but doesn´t have to believe them.
I worked with a bi racial man for 3 years on matters of low self esteem and depression. In the 2 years he never agreed that any of the exclusion and derogatory attitudes that he experienced were connected in any way to environmental biases. He always experienced being “the odd man out” as a personal failure especially with his family. One side of the family was so exclusionary that at family gatherings they would speak the language of origin which my client did not speak or understand conversationally although they spoke English well. As an academic and intellectual, he did not fit with the other side of the family who was about fishing and hunting and he did not look like any of them. It was difficult to witness his denial and pain. His resistance to accepting the possibility of biases made the work less effective. Thank you for speaking to this often over-looked topic. Lack of awareness to environmental biases can lead to incorrect diagnosis that also reduces treatment effectiveness and can lower self esteem and empowerment.
I deliver a workshop on self image examined through the lens of bullying, roles in the bullying circle, and actions and behaviors of each role. We discuss specific self-image statements, how self image is critical to development in several areas and what John Maxwell refers to as the “Law of the Lid”.
Self image is critical to development is several areas:
• Personal character
• Handling individuals and relationships
• Handling unexpected bumps along the road (resilience)
Self image is related to the height of the lid you place on yourself as a reflection of beliefs. The following self-image statements describe influence —both internal and external— as related to the height of your lid and beliefs.
• You may succeed in life if nobody believes in you, but you will not succeed if you don’t believe in yourself.
• How you see yourself determines how others see you.
• How others see you and express how they see you influences how you see yourself.
• How you see yourself impacts your future.
So the question is this: Are you able to fully stand in your life or does your lid keep you small? This question forms the essence of deconstructing negative views, examinng sense of worth and realizing that self image can be changed.
Thankyou, I have a client who I think might respond very well to this idea.
This is all so helpful. Working with an international student who is suffering from shame and blame with her challenge with the English language in scientific circles. Very lonely and feels isolated. Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and wisdom. I am taking your insights and wisdom with me to our next meeting.
For the individual who compares him / herself to others or has a negative view of themselves from this comparison, I think it is helpful for the client to believe in something greater than themselves…they are a PART of something greater than themselves. The problem arises when the client has a limited view of their personal or social situation… there is a wired-direct-line response to certain stimuli. The key is to get them outside the cycling beliefs, and to find trust and confidence in a world that can appear challenging and hostile at times. Some turn to unhealthy addictions. Some turn to religion while others might find it initially in a new friendship or in therapy. The comparisons have to be removed and then replaced with some construct that will fill that space in the psyche. The comparison for the client has been a form of identity and will take some time to alter… if there is need for change, the ego’s defense to change is fear.
Through observation there is no comparison as to great or small (there are no limits to dimensions); no judgement or blame as to right or wrong , just simple recognition, always tolerant and lucid, and never violent or discriminating; and no difference between good and evil… simply degrees of goodness which is no crime. I am… I belong…Inclusively. We are…We belong… Inclusively. Even the children… disadvantaged… unhealthy. We each contribute to the state of mankind and are affected by it.
Everything happens for reason and in the fullness of time. Tested axioms and concepts are valid until outdated thought gives way to new ideas and relationships. New variables are arranged in such a way as to yield new understandings and foundational thoughts.
GOODDAY TO ALL OF YOU! BUT THEN IF I TELL YOU IT IS A “GOOD DAY”, YOU INTERRUPT ME AND BEG TO DIFFER. ” If I try to say something else, the topic you can think about, is far more important than mine. So, in stead to screaming to you in agony to be heard, I keep quiet. Maybe your stuff is more important than mine. So, I let you natter on and on. In the end, I agree with all you say. Can you blame me if I become stressed up, and feeling unworthy?
I totally get that! Why try.
For the most part in that scenario, I can brush it off but the negative part comes in and feels they are smarter or ‘you’re right I’m wrong mentality and frustration is held. Some not worth wasting my breath, time or energy
Deep respect for the work your doing on stereotyping and labelling theory. I have found that in my own healing journey it was not enough to develolp
Psychological insight. In my experience a holistic approach is necessary based on the individuals personal subjective experience…..
Thanks. Much appreciated
Emotional Freedom Technique, applying it to the “Inner Critic”, is very powerful for clearing this particular critic once and for all. It appears to have a permanent change, following applying EFT daily for a few months.
This is very powerful and needed. We can’t see what we can’t (yet) see.
I wonder if Dr Harrell has ideas on how to help a client who believes they ARE good enough, but who received the cultural message, “Because I am not male (or not caucasian, etc), the people I meet in the world will attack me and not allow me to succeed.”
Any advice on that?
Thank you, Ruth, for sending this important message about internalizing cultural messages.
What she said was helpful and made sense ; however, Shelley was looking down during the whole time without eye contact which I found to be disorienting and took away from her topic.
That’s just a problem with speaking to a computer. she was looking at the computer screen which was probably slightly below her (such as a laptop screen would be). Maybe just listening with your own eyes closed could be helpful.
Most of the time I find that the feeling “not being good enough”is not conscious and the first work is to become aware of these feelings. Often they come through by self sabotage and we need to entangle the feelings from there. Next we try to befriend those ferlings and ask the patient what would they say to them if they belonged to a good friend. Only now we go to the kindness we find in ourselves for them and finally embrace them
Excellent message– don.t believe everything you think!
Thank you.
I often use an intergenerational, family system ecomap going back a minimum of 3 generations, on a whiteboard with the client sharing their experience of childhood parenting style, social norms & cues from their environment, their responses to conflict, what emotions were allowed, what emotions were not allowed, the messages from parents about who they were, use of guilt and shame to control behaviour, and so on.
I have found this is a powerful tool, clients are able to share their experiences without becoming overwhelmed (almost as though they are speaking about a third person) and see it being recorded on the whiteboard allows them to see what it was actually like for them as a child. Clients can maintain there connection with family, yet experience the impact of environment, culture and parenting approaches in how it shaped there thoughts, feelings and behaviour. Most importantly, with the counsellor expressing compassion for the client’s younger self and what was put on them, they can challenge their subcoscious beliefs of ‘not good enough’ from a place of responsibility rather than victim. This can also then be used to allow the client to have compassion for their younger self, re-parent their younger self, access emotions which were not allowed or suppressed.
I have found using this format is very empowering for my clients and is an effective starting point for commencing work on emotional regulation, unhelpful thinking and restructuring attachment issues.
Your comment was very helpful tool to add to work with client beyond the basic attachment issues, incorporating the cultural communications within both nuclear and family of origins of parents and ancestors. I used to do geneagrams agencies were often too time oriented given the paperwork endured, I got away from that. I will expand again, broaden it as I discuss cultural issues early on. Your ideas are very comprehensive. Thanks.
Great post. The white board is a really important visualization tool for both myself and clients. I take a photo of it when done then send to client if they have given me a release to text.
Some of the approaches I use for clients who feel “never good enough” are:
Reminding client of the universality of these feelings.
Using parts work (some drawn from Schwartz’s “Internal Family Systems”) I’ll ask, “Could this critical part be trying to help you? How?” This often also leads to identifying the source of these messages, and helps the client disentangle and disidentify from this critical perspective reflecting worries and fears. We then have more space to look at these messages for what they truly are.
Also, through close attending and attunement to client’s verbal and nonverbal communications and somatic state within the “therapeutic bubble” it helps client experiencially feel worthy. As clients are supported in becoming more aware of breaks or shifts in emotion or state, and are held/co-regulated by therapist, it fosters greater client
emotional regulation, resilience and empowerment. I also think of it as trying to nuture “earned secure attachment”.
Wonderful perspective from Dr. Harrell!
Thank you for sharing,
Andrea
I like this IFS perspective as so much can be gleaned from our parts and how we feel what they feel–and the important space we need to observe them.
You also bring up the “everybody feels this way sometimes” sentiment that I very often forget for myself but not others!! Thank you!
Tempting to make a political comment borrowed from Shelly Harrell. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if POTUS DT would take this to heart…*Don’t always believe what you think*.
One method I have watched used, from the side lines which could examine lack of self esteem, is Byron Katie’s work…asking the question ever-more-deeply, *Is it true?*
It’s unfortunate perhaps, that lack of self-esteem is not really a COGNITIVE issue, however. It may be more UNCONSCIOUS and DEVELOPMENTAL-in-origin.
I agree with your comment that self esteem is not a cognitive issue, but more of an unconscious developmental issue. I mean think about it….when we are growing up, we are young children looking up to big adults who have greater power and resources for the first 12 years of our lives, when our nervous system is being imprinted. How can we all NOT feel unworthy at times due to this early conditioning when we have learned this orientation to the world during the years when our the brain is so plastic?
I try to remind clients that this conditioning is old, and simply not true.
As the Desiderata states “you are a child of the universe, no less than the three or the stars. You have a right to be here.” We all are as equal in worth as any other human being on the planet, and it is our birthright to feel human dignity.
I also encourage clients to practice feeling their inherent dignity of being a human being experiencing the human condition.
Help the client to keep going with their symbols and story. Support them to end the story after their success however small. You didnt break …. sometimes thats enough. How did you heroically survive that? How did you help others? One child hid with siblings to keep them safe, and it worked. Is hard to feel weak when you know you are a hero to someone. For example, when facing sex abuse issues in childhood there is usually many many ways victim attempted to protect self and usually others. Is this image powerful? It’s a matter of continuing the story, past the trauma event, to an end of power and healing. Symbols are everywhere …..
Very interesting, ‘you don’t have to believe what you think’ and self gratitude from naming the positives- both CBT activities- I think C.B.T. self help exercises are mindful activities which by helping one reduce negativity, take one back to a feeling of presence. And IFS can be used in a CBT discursive way- parts like the critic and my judge brought round the board room table to be helped out of narrow views through discussion with other parts. Thanks for these comments- to all. I think R.E.B.T. helps us see how our self ratings are implicit in some of our beliefs and how they can be questioned once their extreme nature has been clarified. Buddhist psychology helps one se oneself as having another purpose beyond success in the here and now. The as one works on the pride which bedevils small self one can accept that to play small parts well can be far more important than chasing accolades.
I often recognize the power of any negative self messaging to have hooks to a cascade of “logical” historical “proofs” that today’s instance of misery is inevitable and will always be inevitable. Reframing today’s miserable moment can really help. If today’s moment is simply a moment…this moment…with no precedents and no consequences, it can easily pass. Because all emotions do pass, often within moments. The relief from “proof” about being trapped in a person who is so worthless of unconditionally is tremendous. And it lasts.
After distressing thier hard drive of negative emotional wounding , I re educate them with the words ” I Am Enough” ..these words alone will reboôt the system of the mind . The body will follow its master .
I often have my clients create a sense of self gratitude in naming the positives.
It’s not always easy for the client to do but work and time, something surfaces for them.
Using CBT to think about self in this way seems to create a different perspective about self.
For my clients and for myself, I find in addition to developing a feeling of self-compassion is to recognize those parts that support feeling not good enough; my critic, my judge, my guilt. When recognized and accepted, I find compassion for how they arrived and became such powerful parts of who I am. I’ve found this helps to take the power out of the attachment into those feelings of not being good enough. Those parts are there, and by acknowledging them, finding compassion for them, they don’t have to control my life.