Someone asked me recently how I developed the courage to step out of the box and do my own thing.
And it really made me stop and reflect.
But before I get into that, I want you to take a moment and think about what might be keeping you from stepping out of the box . . .
. . . is it fear?
Okay. Now delve a little deeper into that feeling of fear, and really think about where it’s coming from.
I know when I’m feeling apprehensive, it is usually because I’m about to do something I’ve never done before. In fact, the first time I posted a blog entry here, I spent the following 24 hours reading and re-reading it, terrified that I’d made a mistake and someone might call me out on it.
It turns out that there was really nothing for me to worry about, and it’s gotten easier for me to feel comfortable blogging.
But maybe it’s actually “comfort” that we should keep a close eye on.
When you are in your comfort zone, you aren’t afraid of anything. You are doing what you know how to do because you’ve probably done it a million times before. It’s easy.
Now suppose you want to move in a new direction. For that to happen, you have to make some sort of change to what you’re doing.
And that is going to require feeling a little uncomfortable, perhaps even a little scared. Meanwhile, your brain will instinctively respond to those feelings of fear with thoughts of self-doubt . . .
. . . pushing you to want to stay calm and content in your comfort zone forever.
Having the courage to step out of the box means stopping to think about what’s really going on when you feel afraid.
Is your brain telling you to just stay where you are?
If so, it’s probably a natural reaction that comes with the thought of doing something new, and I can tell you, I feel it too. Every time I do something I’ve never done before.
But after a while, it’s not so much a feeling of fear, but of excitement.
In my next blog post, I’ll share one of the scariest decisions I’ve ever made—and I’m so glad I did it.
It’s natural to experience fear, but trying something new can be so rewarding.
I’d really like to hear from you. How do you feel when you try something new, and what sort of message is your brain sending? Is that feeling of fear really warranted, or it is just a natural side-effect to testing your own boundaries?
Just leave your thoughts below – I’m looking forward to reading them.
Hello.
I spent 30 years as a technical writer. This is a research position, and I came to love research. Now 91, the human mind is what I love to research and write about.
Mankinds primal and strongest emotion is fear. Where an insect sensing motion simply runs if it senses motion not of its own making, with humans it is very different. While we may move to avoid something, fear in humans causes us to ask questions, as to purpose, or direction. While we seek answers, limit the answers we accept and adopt because of the comfort (or lack of it) the answers we find carry. The problem is that we will reject good answers if we are not comfortable with them. And this means that all of us, in asking the same question, may choose different answers. This means we end up both thinking and acting differently for the simple reason that we have each developed a different personality.
Have I dumped enough on your brain for now? I would like to hear your response.
Larry Kueneman
larryjkueneman@gmail.com
Palm Desert, CA USA
As a therapist and a life long learner who wants to continue ally grow I have sought out better questions that stimulate new thoughts and ideas. I think you are spot on this with one: Fear or Comfort what holds you back?
Thank you Krishna sir,We really apetrciape for your kind information regarding our beloved village. It has been always fantastic to hear news about our village in such a way,especially, in development sector. I am very much proud of you that you have been serving for our village for such a long prior of time.When I saw your face it remind me of my school age and all those stupid things that i used to do at that time. It just feels like yesterday, I feel young again like a boy. I do hope you also feel the same as me, don’t you sir? I have no doubt you have a huge connection with the school and village both emotionally and physically. I know you love the place same as any other villagers. Only one thing is different with compare to other is that you have been contributing with your highly respected qualification, dedication and honestly almost whole of your life.My heartfelt thanks to you for your hard work and showing such an enthusiasm towards our village and as well as school.We are very lucky to have such a generous teacher and proud of you.Your sincerelyEx student Arjun badmas danda ghar.PS it would be better if you could publish your e mail add so we can contact you personally in future.
It always takes a bit to generate the courage, but once it’s done, it’s like going to the party you’d rather avoid and stay home with a good book or movie–once you’re there, it’s hard to leave! Leaning into “initial discomfort” can be hard, but it’s the only way to truly embrace different experiences–and change. My first class in Insight Meditation was like this; hard to make it to the first one, but as it proceeded, I didn’t want it to stop!
I feel fear about splitting up a realtionship of 6 years and i don’t know why i’m so insecure !
I have lots of creative new ideas that energize me at first, but then perfectionism kicks in, and the energy fizzles. It is also hard to decide on a point of completion- always seems to be a possibility of “more” or “better.”
I am not afraid to try anything, I’m wide open. I also have many barriers one is I don’t know what to do, I need a leg up on the horse; that’s it! I have found I have really no clue who I am. I’ve gone from nothing to nothing and a whole bunch of drama! I have also found out I have thyroid disease and I have had it most of my life. Now that was fear for so many years when I knew something was really wrong and I was being pushed antidepressants and told I was in the crazy zone! I’m so grateful for that part of me does just leap even though there is fear. I have to live with my daughter because I lost my home because I was being abused I guess that’s really breaking threw the fear after I have looked it in the eye! It’s something higher I just allow to help me. Right now it is safe and just fine by me to be calm; still feel the feelings! I just adore you Ruth Thank you so much!
Nancy
I don’t associate my hesitation with doing something new coming out of fear. I usually find myself pausing because I’m gathering evidence to make sure that something new is worth my time and money. Now, I’m speaking about the BIG new things, like developing an online personality to promote my work. The excitement comes in learning and deciding “how” I’m going to do it, while in the process of deciding “if.” I believe our motivation to achieve something new might be different than the motivation that is propelled by something (loss of some kind, for example) that leaves us with no choice but to achieve (or do) something new. In a situation like that, I’d be more inclined to feel some fear. And perhaps, the brain would sift through the “old tapes” that challenge my self-worth. But that is not an automatic reaction for me anymore. I’m looking forward to see what you’ve got for us!
Change is generally a painful process for me but this time facing change is coming from a peaceful place. I finally feel worthy of allowing whatever the universe has to offer.
Sometimes I feel anxious or fearful, but often I am excited to try something new. I love the challenge and all the learning that takes place w/ something new.
When I am confronted with doing something new or making a change, my mind sometimes makes excuses by telling me”it’s actually something I don’t desire & it’s not worth it” or “it’s not worth it to make the scary change because I’ll fail & be left with less benefits than before”.
Hmm…… excellent topic! I’ve learned that sometimes it is how we use ‘fear’. Fear is what reminds us to look both ways before we cross the street. The ‘right dose’ of fear can keep us safe. Too much will keep us from ever crossing the street. I can’t help but think of the cowardly Lion for the “Wizard of Oz” .
I disagree that being in a comfort zone means doing what I’ve always done before.(Maybe for some the comfort zone is the “control zone” ) I think it also means doing what I feel ‘called to do in the present moment’. Those moments are amazing. And some of those moments are stepping out of the box. Maybe I’ve just gotten better in walking with the experience of fear. It’s likely learned. For me it does not mean the absence of fear.
Wow, thank you! You said it!
There is a process of distinguishing whether fear is warranted, whether the chance is worth taking, whether the upcoming great accomplishment is worth the effort to *step back into the fray*. This morning I saw that controlling money interests have turned off my Facebook status input line. I obviously present a problem for CONSERVATIVE interests. It is sad to see, that control is a masculine, anti-female, anti-progressive and familiar social stuckness, that cannot be denied.
I believe the desire for the positive result of any change has to be stronger than the fear of the discomfort of change. Our degree of motivation, the degree by which we overcome fear, and availability of support from our social interactions all come to play in order for us to choose to affect change. The ability to affect change despite of and maybe because of setbacks is a mark of a good leader whether we are leading oursrlves or leading a large group of people.
I think for me the first reaction is a stomach discomfort followed by the mental negative thinking.
I think years ago the inner child responded with the stomach stress. Now I just have to evaluate the negative thoughts to see if they are real and valuable or just need the soothing that was not so apparent years ago. This helps ride it out!
Jamsnd
I just recently, this week, made a decision to change to part time status at work. That was scary! I am now feeling a peace and enthusiasm that I haven’t had in a long time. I am pursuing my calling as a healer in alternative medicine modalities and it has freed me and stimulated the creative juices!
I am enjoying the newly found freedom and my doubts are gone…well, maybe not ‘gone’, but I am much more focused on the future possibilities, than the past regrets!
Walking through fear with faith takes courage, but then, I’ve heard that “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”
I’m terrified to make a move. In my younger days I knew no fear and stepped out into several ventures trying to follow my dreams… all of which ended disastrously and left me in dire straights for many years. I had to fight to keep from drowning. I cannot bring myself at this older age of 62 to take such a leap from my current, secure, but hell on earth, position. I am reliant on the health insurance. My finances are not secure enough for me to take the risk either. I live alone, On most days I feel overwhelmed. My life is spinning more and more out of control. I manage to go from one day to the next by using denial and focusing only on the immediate. And I breathe. Sometimes I spend hours jsut breathing to keep form panic taking over.
To S, K, Cortland: there are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS options – SO MANY options. I am close to same age, stepped out into retirement while training in SE nearly a year ago. I identify so much with your post and of course do not know your entire situation. I think living in the U.S. at this time is much of the reason for sheer panic and anxiety at our age. Don’t let our fast-paced, youth & money-obsessed culture define you! Think about your dreams! How much do you really need? Read about people that make radical changes! I still have awful days when I succumb to the fears but it’s better than the “hell on earth position” I was staying in before. Now with the Affordable Care Act you can get health insurance without staying in a job you hate. Don’t worry about leaping, taking smaller steps may be more right for you. Think about living somewhere slower or just slow your own life to a comfy pace. And above all ask for and get help because I guarantee it’s out there. You and I and others like us can do this!!!
Fear is a helpful emotion when it alert us to safety and or to the fact that we are leaving our comfort Zones. I connect to your reluctance/fear of blogging. I had a newsletter on my website but took it down. I am planning on being less comfortable and sharing my ideas in writing.
I appreciate self disclosure when it comes to being a therapist.
Yet even these disclosures concern me as it may hinder one’s clinical work.
I do appreciate the challenge of sharing ideas and being ready and able to handle the positive and negative feedback that may result from it.
After all thoughts are just thoughts. Fear is just fear.
S,K, I am younger and with different set of problems. But I know panic and anxiety and have decreased them quite a bit by guided meditations and hypnosis, mostly free on youtube and also paid. Problems may not go away, but you can probably figure out new solutions, with anxiety taken care of and with a clear head 🙂
You are right on with this. I think being out of our comfort zone occurs quite a bit when parenting. Our kids are always a bit ahead of us in certain ways. And parents are told to be 3 steps ahead of their kids! They pull us out of our comfort zone. So thanks for this line of thought.
How appropriate your thought right now, I am “doing it” moving overseas on my own as a little ol’ lady.
The move in and of itself was one of the most stressful things – parting with old friends, one’s stuff, but I realize one’s stuff isn’t that important, and when you have too much of it – it ties you down. I have learned so many new things, and different coping skills, and yes STRESS is there, but life is too short to remain COMFY so go for it, whatever your IT is, and go for the adventure!!! Good friends will remain, they are like a garden, they need tending, but today with modern technology there’s no excuse not to remain in touch.
yesterday in my yoga class we were talking about muscle memory… someone had invited the concept of muscle confusion: changing things up enough that we aren’t just doing something by rote.
I just became disabled about 5 years ago and it was devastating. So now when I try even normal things I fail quite often. It get’s discouraging to say the least. I still keep trying though. And I’m ready to keep trying here too. Thank you
I feel excited and happy, and my brain says: “Go ahead! You can do it!” .
I am always scared of doing something new. I try to say other people can do it much better. Once I push myself ahead and do it I usually feel good. Sometimes I need a push and encouragement to get started. It is really fea r of the unknown.
Our bodies and the Universe are in a constant state of change, yet we create stress by trying to resist
that. Letting go and welcoming change is an on-going challenge both personally and professionally.
Ruth I feel as if you are speaking to me personally! I am leaving a well paying job to risk stepping out on my own. I am also moving from the city to the country. Today I was questioning myself – saying to myself “what am I, doing this is nuts” – but knowing it was the unknown and fear that was making me question myself. I know I will be ok and I must try this or live with regret!
Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am moving my entire practice to a smaller location, so that I can become more affordable meaning I can assist more people back to health and living!
Having excess and impressive things is something my maternal grandmother taught me. So grateful for new awareness, while moving!
Trying something new, especially if its a major decision, causes anxiety, fear and hesitation for me. There have been times that I have been able to step out and make these changes and other time where the fear is so great that I remain in complacency and miss opportunities.
Recently I came across an excerpt from a Zen Koan which addresses this in a beautiful way. I keep it out and read it everyday for inspiration.
These are great thoughts, Ruth, and so true! Being a trained business economist, I was so scared of taking the audition and assessment that was mandatory for my application to the music therapy studies four years ago. When I was a young woman, I was confronted with the same situation – audition and assessment for becoming a musical performer. As I thought of myself as being “only” a lay musician and dancer, I ducked out of it – and regretted it a long, long time! So this time, I decided to be brave, to move out of my comfort zone, to try my best – and I passed! And even if I hadn’t passed, at least I would have tried!
The same is true for my separation and divorce – even it was (and sometimes still is) a hard and rough time. I had been thinking of leaving for such a long time, but never had the courage to do it – or at least talk about it to the one person who was in this with me! Then I fell in love head over heels after 17 years of marriage, and this quite literally kicked me out of my comfort zone. I began to talk… and immediately felt better, even if tears and heartbreak were inevitable. I felt so much better, so relieved by finally having taken that crucial step, that my stomach aches and my migraine attacks simply disappeared.
So I learn my lesson, and when my brain is sending me messages of discomfort, anxiety and self-doubt – which it still does, and it does a good job! – I listen carefully and talk back. I reassure myself & I seek the wisdom with my loved ones, so that I am able to explore – just the way a child does when it is exploring the world and seeking reassurance. I have been helped a lot in this by my therapist, and by the knowledge I gained throughout my music therapy studies. It’s not done in a day, the process takes time and patience and courage. But once self-love appears, you won’t lose it ever again!
Kindest regards
Martina
Staying were its familiar is comfortable even if it isn’t what I might want. The fear comes from self doubt and negative self talk. Turning the negative into the postive helps alleviate the fear.
I often joke, that if I am not a “little” uncomfortable, I am probably not learning anything. Just a reframe I find useful, a little “eustress” keeps me moving forward.
it is important to jump over one’s shadow , discover , learn , even make mistakes ; although at times I mistook foolhardiness for courage !
I’ve been in that ‘comfort’ zone for a long time now. We decided to take make a big change in 2016 and move to The Isle of Skye (inner hebrides in Scotland). Beautiful scenery, slower pace of life. It’s going to mean a huge change which I desperately need as my body is tired of my work but boy am I feeling the fear! I should go for it…right?:)
It’s wonderful. I love it.