In their search for relief, comfort, or answers, a grieving client might spend a lot of time revisiting memories of what once was.
But what starts as a pattern of coping can quickly spiral into painful rumination.
So how can we help clients pull out of such a cycle?
In the video below, Christine Padesky, PhD shares two cognitive restructuring strategies you might try.
But a lot of the work that I did with her was cognitive restructuring. And what I found was that, when she thought about her child’s death, she had a lot of imagery tied to the murder and the death. She knew a bit about the murder from the police reports, and her mind was just stuck on those minutes before the murder occurred and the murder itself. And then that’s where all of her thinking was. So one of the things that I did very early on, that was really helpful to her is, I moved her beyond that point just before and just at the moment of death. And I said, “And then what?” That question, “And then what?” Startled her the first time I asked it. But I said, “And then what happened to your child? What do you believe happened after she was dead?”
And at that point, the woman, actually I expected her to cry, but she actually looked at me and her eyes widened a bit. And she said, “Well then her spirit was released from her body.” And that led us to talk about what she believed about life after death. And it seemed she is… It’s true of many people who get stuck, particularly with a traumatic death like murder. She really hadn’t thought much about her daughter being released from all this pain and fear. And so we spent quite a bit of time then in imagery, imagining her daughter free and beyond, and on the other side of the murder and the suffering, and imagining her now at peace. And, the woman was quite religious and believed in heaven. So she was able to imagine her daughter in heaven. And I gave her a lot of exercises to think about her daughter now being in this better place, where her spirit was free.
So that was one type of cognitive restructuring we did through imagery. Second thing is, she had a belief and she said it’s very difficult for her to be happy. “How could I be happy after what she went through?” And there, it’s often helpful to just reverse roles. And I said, “If the roles were reversed, if your daughter had grown up and if you had been murdered and killed, would you want your daughter not to be happy the rest of her life?” And of course, that wasn’t what she would want for her daughter. And I would say, “Well, why not? Why would you want her to be happy?” And so that was another turning point for her. And she began to think that maybe she didn’t have to stay unhappy her whole life just because her daughter had such an unhappy end to her life.
And so, we then worked on her crafting, which took a number of weeks, her crafting a personal statement and way of thinking about this that would help her feel okay. And what she came up with was something along the lines of, he murdered her, but her spirit was laughter and love. And I’m going to live my life with laughter and love, moving forward in homage to her, and that will keep her spirit alive and that’s what she would want for me. And that really was a permission giving belief for her to begin to resume her life and move on. So those are some examples of how you can use cognitive restructuring to help people move beyond complicated grief to reengage in their lives again.
Grief and loss are universal, but their impact can feel deeply personal. That’s why you need a toolbox of targeted Strategies to Help Clients Process Grief and Loss.
Inside, you’ll hear from Frank Anderson, MD; Janina Fisher, PhD; George Faller, MS; Richard Schwartz, PhD; and many more.
Please check it out, but before you do, I’d like to hear your thoughts. How do you help clients work through grief and loss? Let us know in the comment below.
I’m looking for strategies to help a client move through grief of lost friendships due to client’s social awkwardness. That is the client’s belief. In what ways can I help the client move past the overwhelming loss and loneliness so I can address their challenges with relational patterns and low self-esteem which has resulted from their loss of friendships?
When helping others process there grief I listen, affirm, and let them know it is okay to grieve as often, they have others in there lives telling them to just get over it already which is horrible for a grieving person or any person who is going through a tough time. I provide lots of caring and support to gently move from paralyzing loss to awesome memorization of the lost love one and living life again.
Hello NICABM TEAM,
I would like to thank you for the great work you do!
I have been following you since several years and have bought several trainings .
I am not a professional psychologist . I had quite heavy period of 8 years when my husband got fully paralyzed from a side effect of Multiple Sclerosis medication.
I bought your trainings to supoort myself and my daughters.
Finally my husband passed away mid December last year. The training about grief which you peppered was spot on time for me and I bought it . I did not watch all videos because it is still overwhelming for me. But they help me a lot for self motivation, self awareness, self convincing to go on, and not to keep thinking/reflect in circles . The first video o watched last night is again a great help for me.Thank you so much .
I am not professional but since few years I help friends and it seems helpful. Since my husband passed away I got also laid off from work. Now thinking which way to take for a new job. I am 55. I have been knowing since 10years that my mission in life is to help people with valuable advices , to be inspiration for them how my daughters and I handled the heavy periods of MS and later his 8 years of paralysis . I am writing to you to tell that you keep help en inspire me. And I consider that one day o will pay is possible the CE to take tests of the trainings I bought and get kind of an evidence that I followed the trainings . And will keep helping people around me in need !
Many many thanks for your PROFESSIONALISM!
Best regards
Darinka Bogdanova
This is a condensation of thoughts I have shared with others
as part of a larger and more explanatory presentation.
Though this basically address the struggles of providers to offer help to those in need while also taking care of themselves, perhaps some thoughts will be as useful for all
as they have been for me
“Everything comes to an end” as a mantra, and treating endings, as we do beginnings, a part of your life in need of recognition, acknowledgement (full acceptance is nice but the icing on the cake as leaves room for “ok, I know this will happen, I am angry it will happen and my xxxx will end and I will be left without it, this is what my life will look,feel like then.”
“My recognition of endings has an expansive side as it highlights the adventure of focusing on what has not yet ended and I will miss when it does but will have fewer regrets of how I lived it when it was here”
When I worked in inpatient psych in my career youth and it was time to plan for after-hospitalization life there was a point when the patient then addressed how they were going to say “good-by” to staff and to their space and experiences while here.
There are many entry-rituals in our life that go unnoticed or
are intended but fewer for leaving. One well established pattern begins with at least one greeting, “ hello” in one form or another stating “I am here” and ends with a “good-by” stating both as an acknowledgment that an ending is here and
HI will no longer be with you in this space.
So many examples on different levels of consciousness and intent.
With the above personal view informed by years of other’s wisdom and that its unedited quick reduction leaves it
useful. VG
Listen being there show empathy build memories and place in a box or book to keep with their photos and stories. Make memory bears
Thank you, this deeply touched my heart and mind.
I will remember you and your work as I do mine.
All best. Linda
I truly appreciate Christine Pedesky’s sharing this wonderful cognitive restructuring example!
I love the restructuring, the “then what”; I work with many who are grieving and I love doing the Grief House with them and I love having them write letters. I will be using the cognitive restructuring. Thank you
More than year – This is no time at all . Per Dr Robert D Storolow Trauma is temporal there is no time and space with traumatic loss BUT Dwelling with deep affect matters What is a concern is the introduction of ‘ magical thinking’ which disavows and distracts from dwelling with ‘ guilt or shame ‘ . However when a therapist can ‘ bear the likely guilt and or shame together ( the premise is if a therapist can bear such devastating loss then so can the one suffering the loss . And in the sharing, shame becomes reduced for guilt and shame is the result of suffering alone in a cartesian isolated state – What a daughter may want for her mother is not the same as what a mother may want for her child they are far from equal.
The greatest piece missing in therapy is that somehow ‘ bearing ‘ and leaning into suffering of a patient is unimportant – But on the contrary ‘ bearing suffering shows ‘capacity ‘and if together one can bear sorrow then sorrow now has deep meaning and value, and also helps in reducing shame and guilt . The bondage of isolation is at the heart of ‘ blocks ‘ or stuckness. creating or relying on magical thinking even moving to spiritual thought ‘ is often a palliative which lasts just so long . Relational co-created home leaning into loss together may bring about a transformative effect . Trauma and Human Existence- Routledge Dr Robert D Stolorow
Interesting take on how to help a client move through grief by demonstrating capacity to hold it with them and that is what is transformative. I would suggest that is one way of many we can support lasting healing and transformation with our clients.
Hi, I am an Expressive art therapist working with grief and bereavement. I am certified in yoga therapy and also medical Qigong. I find using practices that bring together breath, body, mind, and awareness are most helpful. Glad to see the topic of grief being highlighted.
Mostly validate and listen. Keep an eye on their support system.
And sometimes even get teary with them.
I appreciate this video–very much. Helpful!