What are the differences between guilt and shame? And how could it help our clients to have a better understanding of those differences?
We thought it could be useful for you to have a side-by-side comparison of these powerful emotions that you could share with your clients.
Because understanding these differences could help our clients begin to dismantle their negative self-judgments.
So we created this infographic. (Please feel free to make a copy to give to your clients.)
Click the image to enlarge
If you’d like to print a copy to share with your clients, just click here: Color or Print-friendly black & white
(When you make copies to share, please be sure to include the copyright information. We put a lot of work into creating these resources for you. Thanks!)
If you found this infographic helpful, you can hear more about how to help clients break free of a powerful cycle of shame from some of the top experts in the field, like Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Marsha Linehan, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Stephen Porges, PhD; Shelly Harrell, PhD; and more.
How have you helped a client who struggles with feelings of shame? Please leave a comment below.
Thank you , so very helpful .
This is a very useful tool to lead into a discussion of shame. It gives a patient lots to think about that they can discuss with their therapist.
Thank you for the information. I am however, unlikely to use this handout. There are some reasons for this. I am uncomfortable with definitions that many clients I work with would feel are judgemental; meaning “appropriate” and “irrational” guilt. I also use only two categories, guilt and shame, where I just name them as separate entities, since most clients call all this stuff “guilt.” I state that guilt arises when you treat someone in ways you personally would not want to be treated. I then state that guilt is “useful” vs. “appropriate”, in that it alerts you to having behaved in ways you too would object to, and then helps you to take responsibility, apologize, make reparations and then make plans for how you would act in accordance with how you’d like to be treated. Shame on the other hand is not about harming someone, it is an internal sense of being flawed. And it is this aspect that is usually what clients mean by “guilt.” I see “irrational guilt” as part of shame . A simple exercise will show how that works; I ask clients what it would mean about them if they were not perfect: it usually means they are flawed in some way that grips them in their core, such as unlovable, unlikeable, etc. so its shame in my opinion. Having said all this, I whole heartedly agree that helping clients sort out or “unpack” shame from other states is vitally important. I would also like to note that shame can “highjack” guilt, but that’s another discussion.
I would like to acknowledge that I initially found the information on shame and guilt in the children of alcoholics literature back in the late 80’s, where I can no longer recall the author. My concern about language use and in particular therapeutic judgements comes from the very painful reading of Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson’s 1988 book “Emotional Tyranny and the Myth of Psychological Healing.”
Good topic. Yes, agree with your thoughts on definitions. I am always talking about guilt and shame with survivors of child abuse. Shame, we say, is the perpetrator’s guilt that you have taken on yourself. Once clients are able to put the guilt where it belongs, the feelings of shame begin to fade.
In the 80’s it was John Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame That Binds You” that I found helpful. Today it is Brene Brown’s work on shame.
As a person who has been “shamed wired”, I feel intense shame when judgemental words are used to define my shame. My reaction is intense because what’s supposed to help makes me feel worse therefore bolstering up my sense of being deeply flawed.
Another possible author from the late 80’s and 90’s:
Janet Woititz was the author of the Adult Children of Alcoholics Series.
Yes. I like this a lot. Very helpful addition.
I love this chart–very handy. To remind myself I often associate shame with “Being” and guilt with “Doing” ie.
I am ashamed of who I am vs. I am guilty about what I have done.
Thank you a very helpful tool.
Thank you so much. a very helpful visual for my clients and myself
Thank you for the clarity on this issue. It will be a great help with some clients.
I find that it is helpful to identify “appropriate guilt” as Remorse. It seems to put a clear difference between that and guilt. Then we look at guilt as assuming the responsibility for someone else’s feelings or interpretation of my behavior. Remorse is assuming the responsibility for my own chosen behavior.
Visual reinforces the verbal discussion. Thank you for creating this handout. Have printed a handout and the copyright information is included. Thank you for all you share.
I find that it is helpful to identify “appropriate guilt” as Remorse. It seems to put a clear difference between that and guilt
Thank you so much, this is a feast for our work and for our lives. I feel so well supported by you, NICABM team and your generosity.
Very helpful.
A hard copy in a client’s hands for repeat reference often reinforces the work done in the session.
Thank you for this.
Appreciate this clearly worded and presented explanation of guilt, irrational guilt and shame.
Thanks for this. Awesome work. Well be sure to credit it you as appropriate.
Great handout except all 3 of your examples use male names – any particular reason for that? I work with women only and we have to unpack a lot of shame and guilt.
Very helpfu handout. Thank you.
Thank you very much for sharing!
Thank you. Very helpful in encouraging self-compassion in dealing with shame.
I enjoyed the comparative aspects and the visual way the chart is laid out. I wonder if “irrational” guilt could be perceived as pejorative by some clients. It feel a little like that to me. I don’t know of more supportive way to define that particular concept of guilt, maybe “unearned” guilt? I am not sure that fits. Regardless this is a helpful tool.
Thank you
“unearned guilt” much more accurate term. thanks. therapists please take note.
Very useful chart
Very useful
Thank you for the great work.
Sincerely,
Vasilica Vasiolescu, PhD
Thank you. This looks very useful.
Lesley
Thanks for creating this chart and your generosity in sharing it with everyone.
Heather McKechnie
Thank you for this graphic. I can see myself using it to help coach people in wellness and health. There are situations in this scenario which are more effectively handled by separating guilt of not eating healthful foods or not exercising from shame about weight.
It is understandably that guilt and shame have different meanings or interpretation but they all come from a dishonest heart. Honesty is the best policy for one’s life.
Naomi Micael Angoh, I sincerely hope you are not working with psychologically wounded people.
They have often had other powerful people tell them just what you are saying, leading them to believe at a very deep level that they are worthless.
They are NOT worthless!
They are often feeling shame because of the evil imposed on them by other people; and those sorts of people are happy to leave their shame with the person they have belittled, violated and humiliated.
That is the most dishonest heart I can think of existing in this world.
Another type of dishonest heart belongs to the person who is too quick to judge people who are easier to judge because they feel shame, and thus they may look guilty. Those with the most dishonest hearts needs these quick-judgers to function.
Finally, the truth: While honesty is the best policy and is an ideal for which we should all strive, it is like “utopia”. Utopia comes from the Greek and is a play on words. Depending on how the first syllable is spelled, it means ‘good/perfect place’ or ‘no (such) place’. Anyone who claims perfection (including perfectly honest, regardless of best intentions and values), has a dishonest heart – like the rest of humanity.
We all should guard our hearts and search our hearts as we strive to be the most sincere AND COMPASSIONATE beings we can be, and gently lend a hand to others on the path knowing we are all flawed beings.
Apologies for the spelling of your name, Nsomi Michael Angoh.
Spell check, in its wisdom, changed my typing of Nsomi (I’m still fighting spellcheck to write this).
I cannot blame spellcheck for Micael. That was my typo.
I am sorry, I did not proofread my previous reply.
All the very best on your path.
Nsomi, it is hard to believe that this comment was posted here. As Julie refers to something like this, this type of not-compassionate comment has frequently been used by dishonest or unaware therapists or people/groups to disempower, confuse and shame the very people they purport to be trying to help. I have experienced this myself as a survivor of therapy abuse whose gaslighting techniques by the sociopathic “therapist” almost caused my death. Unearned guilt and shame are being pointed out in this article to assist people in recovering from this plague of misunderstanding and ignorance that has permeated all world societies from the beginning. It is time for everyone, not just therapists, to be educated on the manipulation value of guilt and shame and the way the ruling powers in society consciously use it in advertising, education, etc.; it is so pervasive it is hidden in plain sight.
Nsom speaks nonsense. I totally agree with you Beca.
Very clear and concise. Easy to understand. Thank you. For shame I’ve dona affirmations. One in the mirror telling myself I am enough and I love you. Sounds silly but, it really helps with my self talk. Even just being more aware of what I’m telling myself. I truly believe it’s helped me turn a corner on these. Very appreciative of all your hard work helping us trauma mamas and everyone affected by trauma!
Excellent. Clear, concise and positive – a great tool for clients to work with. Manta thanks. Catherine
Thank you for this most valuable infografic.
Thanks. Another great resource.
Excellent and very helpful synopsis of these two emotions. Thank you so much!
Thank you!
Thank you so much. I appreciate the column about irrational guilt. I also suspect that the high standards that generate it may also reinforce shame based self-criticism and judgement if one has a shame prone personality.
Great handout I will use with clients.
This is fantastic! Thank you for sharing this resource!!
Great tool! I only wish it could be created with a lighter background that would make it easier to read and also demand less color ink to reproduce. Thanks for the content, though!
Please click on the Printer-friendly JPEG just above the social media buttons.
Great resource – thank you
Great infographic. Very helpful to have the distinctions laid out for comparison like this and with examples and specifics for added clarity.
I do wonder about “irrational” guilt — that column begs a lot of questions, it seems. Just using the word “irrational” seems to carry negative connotations, but I’m not sure what other language could be used here. Also, to be ‘irrationally’ guilty about forgetting a co-worker’s name from a place of having unreasonably high standards for one’s own behaviours seems a lot like fear-based shame to me, especially if stemming from a childhood of needing to please adults. The “irrational” guilt may have developed as a coping strategy to keep oneself safe as a child from demanding, critical, perfectionist, or punitive adults…meaning it was a needed, and in many ways the only rational, strategy at the time to avoid criticism and/or punishment. This might be worth unpacking further to get away from the negative connotation around “irrational” guilt.
Of course, some people are HSPs (as per Dr. Elaine Aron’s work on Highly Sensitive Persons, in which the nervous system is **physiologically** more sensitive to stimuli, input, and so on). In the case of sensitivity like this, it’s not necessarily “irrational” — it’s simply a function of a more sensitive nervous system that is more responsive to input, including concern over others’ feelings.
I notice that the shame column is worded in such a way as not to trigger shame!
I agree with these comments. I think the irrational guilt column could use an infographic of its own — how to separate irrational from rational guilt? How to shed irrational standards? They arose for a reason and they serve a purpose. Thank you.
Thank you, Karen.
I have found that positive self talk and CBT helps to sort out these “irrationalities”. When kindly addressed, they are a treat and a comfort. Because we are often our own worst critic , I was told. So true.
Wow, that helps me alot, let alone the people I work with. Definitely put things in perspective. Thank you for this very useful tool.
Excellent tool to help a client become consciously aware of their feelings/experience, to put words to it. Then it can be used like a spectrum of worst to mildest experience, with client describing milder forms of shame/guilt, and then finding themselves on the spectrum during various sessions. Could be great for certain group therapy sessions as well. Thank you.
This is a helpful distinction. It’s easy to confuse guilt with shame. So I may feel guilty as if I had done something wrong when actually I have done nothing or nothing I consider bad. It’s just that I was made to feel bad or evil by someone, generally when very young. So really it’s shame. It is helpful to realise this, easier to reject that attribution and feeling when you realise it’s shame rather than guilt.
As one goes through stages of values development, what was healthy and required for growth at one stage becomes a limiting belief at the next. Child vs. Adult is a simplification, which depends on the stage of development considered “adult” in one’s culture.
Shame is something adopted early on. We must retrain our brain to rid ourselves of shame.
Even still it comes back to haunt from tine to time
Would love to see the research base for this. Clearly Dr. Brené Brown has written and speaks extensively about this and another researcher, Dr. Jan Lindsay-Hartz weighed in above too. Too bad those women who have devoted years of study aren’t referenced in this graphic. Unethical really. Dr. Brown’s extensive research does not match your info graphic.
We all remember and forget and need each other to remember. Sarah, your comment is a perfect example of what creates healthy guilt (which is an invitation to grow) vs unhealthy shame in me. That you acknowledge Dr. Brown and Lindsay-Hartz’s work is an invitation to remember; digesting the label “unethical” creates shame and makes me forget that we’re all “remembering together.”
This infographic was created based on responses given by the 25 experts in the Next Level Practitioner program to questions on how to work with shame. While we admire the work of Dr. Brown and Dr. Lindsay-Hartz, neither of these fine people are part of that program.
Thank you! Very interesting!
Thank you! I appreciate that.
A very nice resource. I did some of the early seminal work, differentiating shame and guilt through phenomenological research. I have several papers available on academia.edu, from the 1980s and 1990s, which are the basis for much of the research and clinical work that has followed. I also will soon be uploading many of my early works focused on working therapeutically with shame vs. guilt. Just google Lindsay-Hartz and shame and guilt, and maybe academia.edu, and my papers will show up. They are free to download I believe, and are still very relevant today. Often, over the years, clinicians write things about shame and guilt that contain small but important inaccuracies. Understanding these emotions and their differences is vitally important to clinical work. Many of my research papers are also available on my website. drjanhartz.com. I am now retired from my c42 years of clinical practice, but still follow all the work on shame and guilt. And the function of shame and guilt are neutral, sort of. Each can be appropriate, or non-adaptive, depending on the person and the situation.
This is a great resource and thanks for putting it together. However, I believe you are missing one key important distinction: There is rational (healthy) shame AND irrational shame (toxic/destructive). Healthy shame helps maintain boundaries and prevents harming others/self again. You have a self-negation of your behavior after you have wronged/wounded someone and feel badly about doing it so as to prevent doing it again. Focus again is on behavior and not person hood.
What is essential is the process of seeking and finding real restitution. Anything less leaves a hole in both parties
I wonder what needs to get restored or returned to leave no hole and find “real restitution” after one finds that one played another’s fool or needed another played to play one’s fool?
This is worth debating. I too think this is a very good resource which could be excellent if it also differentiated between appropriate shame and unconscious shame, as discussed above.
This is worth debating. I too think this is a very good resource which could be excellent if it also differentiated between appropriate shame and unconscious shame, as discussed above.
Hi Grant, To me it seems what you call “(healthy) shame” is described as “healthy guilt.”
Guilt is about what we can change in us. Shame is about what we can’t change in us.
We can’t change that we have a blind spot and need to feel exposed to give new (kind) eyes
a chance to mirror the exposure without creating blame and shame.
Grant, I completely agree. I got that term, Healthy Shame, from John Bradshaw. And it has nothing to do with guilt. You can use a phrase, such as we do in English, “shameless hussy,” to describe someone who may expose her private parts in public, let’s say. There is really nothing to feel guilty about, but “healthy shame” may keep her from letting her skirt blow up when she knows she’s not wearing any underwear, for instance. It may not bother her, per se, but it may bother those around her, and she needs to be aware of that.
Once you understand the term, it becomes very valuable in identifying people who have no healthy shame, and the trouble they can cause in your life – outside of therapy. Another way to understand the term may be imagining asking someone, “Have you no shame?” I know that many people have trouble with this concept, but I believe it is very valuable to help you identify a trait in someone you may not otherwise be able to put your finger on.
This is helping Debbie. I can see that “letting her skirt blow up” would make a woman unaware of how she impacts her environment. But I still don’t understand why it would be necessarily “healthy shame” that’d make her more aware.
The more I think about “healthy shame,” the more questions I have. Why would it be “healthy shame” and not the freedom to receive from (and respond to) my environment each moment anew that makes me know what would be considered shameful in the here and now. When my Ego feels connected, I get informed about what people around would consider shameful as life unfolds. I don’t need to rely on a recording from once upon a time (when I got shamed) telling me what was considered shameful then must be shameful now.
Shame is an emotion that connects us to our social group. That’s what can make it a healthy emotion.Think about it … the people who feel no shame are those who seem also to have no conscience – people with sociopathic features. All emotions can exist in a healthy and an unhealthy form. When we can’t acknowledge and examine our shame (understand whether it’s warranted) it’s more likely to become sticky and take us into a dark place. Thats the difference between healthy & unhealthy shame.
Yes, Debbie. Doris, it feels when I hear you talking that you may need to also know the definition of “Shame-based” (also via John Brandshaw). I refer his books to a lot of people. Of course there is the one called “Healing the Shame that Binds You,” although any of his books are good.
I obviously don’t know enough about you, but as someone who had to deal with being shame-based myself (and i can slip back into it easily), it’s possible that you have a blindspot with this issue because of shame. NICABM and specifically the Next Step Program has some great info on shame.
If I’m totally off-base, I apologize, but I think shame is something that anyone was lucky to avoid in this day and age. And it’s very insidious.
Hi Doris,
Forgive me for bringing politics in as an example, but consider our current President: Would you agree that it’s appropriate to see him as a shameless liar? Depending on your own politics, this may or may not work as a case in point, but that’s how I see him – a classic illustration of where shame would be a healthy shame – he should be ashamed not only to be such an inveterate liar but also to be repeatedly caught out in his lies. But no, he is shameless – in such a case, there is pathology and something arguably sociopathic about chronic lying. Hence, ‘shameless’ applies – a healthy dose of shame would keep a person from wanting to be seen as a liar with zero credibility.
I can see why you might struggle a bit with the skirt-blowing-up-analogy but I wonder if this example regarding lying might be less of an “eye of the beholder” conundrum as to whose shame it is being evoked – or failing to be evoked when it should.
I also highly recommend to you the Bradshaw book on shame already named above – and especially the first chapter in it – I’ve given that chapter to many a client and found it to be an illuminating reading for so many.
p.s. I meant to also add and forgot: In Portuguese, a way to say someone is shameless is “cara de pau” – literal translation being “face of wood,” or we might say “wooden-faced” … I’m not sure of the etymology of the idiom in Portuguese, but plausibly it would be the idea that shame reddens one’s face, or can, and a wood face is unfazed, uncolored, unmoved by something that ‘should’ be fazing them about their own words or deeds or character. And it’s not guilt at issue in calling someone “cara de pau,” even if the phenomenon is manifest in a particular action – it goes beyond that to a reflection of a person’s entire character, hence shame being what is evoked, not guilt (although they can co-occur – some actions bringing on guilt and shame – regret over the harm of the deed but also the sting of reflection on one’s whole self). I always found “cara de pau” to illustrate linguistically an important component of shame by describing the ‘look’ of its absence: Human living breathing faces should not appear wooden especially in the face of having been ungracious or lacking compassion or concern for others, for healthy boundaries, etc.
Thank you for this clear graphic.
thank you