What are the differences between guilt and shame? And how could it help our clients to have a better understanding of those differences?
We thought it could be useful for you to have a side-by-side comparison of these powerful emotions that you could share with your clients.
Because understanding these differences could help our clients begin to dismantle their negative self-judgments.
So we created this infographic. (Please feel free to make a copy to give to your clients.)
Click the image to enlarge
If you’d like to print a copy to share with your clients, just click here: Color or Print-friendly black & white
(When you make copies to share, please be sure to include the copyright information. We put a lot of work into creating these resources for you. Thanks!)
If you found this infographic helpful, you can hear more about how to help clients break free of a powerful cycle of shame from some of the top experts in the field, like Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Marsha Linehan, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Stephen Porges, PhD; Shelly Harrell, PhD; and more.
How have you helped a client who struggles with feelings of shame? Please leave a comment below.
Helpful chart. Thanks
Ruth, Greatly appreciate this handout. Plan to use it and pass it on to others in the field for their resource handout material. Will provide feedback on the results. Be Well, Susan
Thank you for this chart which clearly explains the definitions and clear distinctions between guilt and shame. We can help others by providing the tools to correct irrational beliefs surrounding unhealthy guilt. The person with unhealthy guilt must separate unhealthy guilt from healthy guilt with self compassion and “doing the work” to understand that people are human and possess both strengths and weaknesses. Support groups may be a helpful tool.
Shame, on the other hand, is a more internalized way of seeing ourselves and feeling unworthy and flawed. Shame causes people to fear rejection. Building self love and self compassion is one of the first steps for helping others who feel shame to shift the way that they feel about themselves which can then free them to pursue healthy relationships by reaching out to connect to healthy people. By shifting away from feeling fear and shame, it is possible for the person to feel a sense of belonging rather than feeling isolated and alone. These steps will assist the person in moving ahead to heal and grow. to stay on the path of recovery.
I can’t disagree more. This is a great topic. Thanks.
You are a legend Ruth. Love your posts.
Thank you sooooo much for your time and inspiration.
Great handout, Ruth. Thank you so much! i will use this with my therapy group tomorrow that experiences both.
I agree with the previous comment by Owen Allen, about that shame is a positive emotion, as innocent as any other. As well as healthy and unhealthy guilt, there is also healthy and unhealthy shame. There is a great explanation of shame in the book ‘Shame and pride’ by Donald Nathanson, as well as in the explanations that Bret Lyon and Sheila Robin offer in their great work trying to explain this difficult primary emotion that is shame, as an emotion that has a value but also is very difficult to work with because very often has gone into unhealthy or toxic shame.
Fabulous practical tool. Thank you so much for this. It is so clear, understandable and a wonderful tool for therapist and client alike!
Thank you for the tool. There is some disagreement in the comments about the definition of guilt vs. shame. I agree with these definitions. I was taught that guilt is the belief that “I did something bad/wrong, etc.” and shame is the belief that “I AM wrong/bad, etc.” I like the distinction between helpful or healthy guild and unhelpful guilt. I am one that has to remind myself whether my guilt is helpful or not, and this will come in handy when I work with clients who have the same issue. I also like the example, because it is one that would be easy for anyone to argue against, that you don’t have to feel guilty about forgetting someone’s name–though it can be embarrassing.
I don’t agree with the depiction of shame in the infographic. I’m afraid the authors of it are, themselves, confused about shame and guilt. Shame is part of the social development process. It is one of those things that will always be, if there is a moral standard in the social circle eg the family. A lack of that standard will lead to a lack of shame and a lack of shame will lead to inconsiderate, selfish and often socially destructive behaviours. Certainly shame along with anxiety works best when at a low level churn, assisting the reflective and learning process. In this, shame is both an assist to the social cohesion as well as generative processes ie about the future. Guilt on the other hand, is a past based process, a reflection on the differential between values and action. Guilt can only occur after the act. In that values are attached to shame, shame occurs with true guilt (acknowledgement of the wrong, the differential), and enables the provocation of remorse and a commitment to recompense, reconciliation and reconstruction.
Having been raised a Catholic and a woman, I was raised with unhealthy guilt about being selfish (mostly) whenever I tried to get my needs met. I ended up feeling guilty about well practically everything, an experience I’ve share, anecdotally, with many with a similar background. I’ve since learned to recognised a deep sense of internalised resentment behind this type of unhealthy guilt. Does this form of guilt fit within your framework?
In my work with parents from a faith background I find it helpful to separate true guilt and false guilt. That may help you too. Most people I find have more problems with shame, that is a more abstract concept and therefore more difficult to name and process, but it is worth it!
Great. This deduction of the mental function its very clear.
Thank you very much for the tool.
Greetings and keep in the work.
These are great – my mentors, long long time ago, Drs Wong & McKeen, introduced me to how to work with guilt and shame. their books also spell out something similar to what you are written here.
Yes. The above chart is too simplistic but a good start. Newer energy psychologies such as Energy Code/Body Code and mulitple related systems, plus pioneers in energy work such as Dr. Eve Lorgren and dozens of others, have much to add to this vital healing concern. Trauma from environmental toxins, SRA, imprinting of ancestral DNA trauma, sociological “New Age guilt” and energy-intention sent from a distance as “attack” or “control system programming” (too far out for many to consider, but more and more evidence that all these exist are coming to light) can be causal or part of the mix of both shame and guilt. How many clients are being denied the help they need because they are lost in partial-truth CBT conventional therapy — and therapists’ mindsets are too afraid for their reputations to delve into these verboten, groundbreaking subjects that could provide permanent and deepest-level healing?
Another excellent resource… thank you NICABM. I can show my clients this and it helps them get clear too.
Thank you. Again very useful
So interesting.
I have always found that people with Antisocial traits are more prone to Shame than Guilt.
Your explanation makes this make sense.
The antisocial is always blaming the outside world. Outside is all and inside is nothing.
They feel Shame and throw themselves on the merci of others with the discourse of: “I feel so bad”!
They never say their sorry because their not! How on earth can they be sorry for what outside forces did to them!
Regular people have a true sense of Being and when they behave wrongly, they say they’re sorry. They then proceed to take responsibility for their actions and make attempts to change.
So interesting.
Btw, I also agree with the comment about that Shame is probably learned to a great extent.
Interesting to note that Noah’s son Sham was the one who found Noah in a drunken stupor, hidden in his tent, naked and in the middle of the day!
He went to get his brothers and had a contemptuous and attitude towards his father. He was ashamed.
When Noah awoke, he cursed the boy saying that his children would always be slaves to the children of his brothers!
This to be ashamed is to be “as Sham”!!
Social phobics and antisociale are indeed slaves to what the others think and do as they have not yet developed a sense of Being within themselves.
Good for thought!
this is really handy as a information tool towards our clients. Although it is not the whole story as seen in the comments, its a good start to begin with.
Thanks
I would say shame arises from caregivers reaction to us and it becomes a core belief. I do not believe it is Inate in the sense of being born with it. It is something done to us
Resolution and repair in shame is a big deal – esp. when communication is lacking. But in guilt it appears that negotiation about what’s good and what’s bad may bring out some clarification. I wonder if there is any “healthy guilt”?!
Thank you for this very useful chart. I have some concerns about the section on how to work with healthy guilt, specifically the steps of: a) seek forgiveness from the person affected and b) reclaim wholeness and heal the relationship with the affected person. While I agree that these steps can be tremendously beneficial and healing for both parties, I also think it should be clarified that this can not always be attained. The problem is in having the resolution of one’s guilt be dependent on another’s forgiveness.
My strategy in working with this sort of guilt entails forgiving oneself for doing something that doesn’t feel right/fair/good. That way, you can offer your regrets to the harmed person, but not be dependent on their response.
Thank you for these definitions. The difficulty at this point is to bring clients with unreasonable standards to see that their standards are unreasonable. What is a reasonable standard as opposed to unreasonably high standard?
What is ‘objectively right/wrong’.
I often work with ACT and support clients through a search of their very own inner values as opposed to maladaptive values imposed by current stereotypes, or taken on board to please significant ones. I assist them re-visiting their “rights and wrongs” inner reference table.
What usually helps me doing this is to use role play, e.g. what if someone they love very very much was in their situation, how would they view them. If that was true for their loved ones, why would it not be true for them. this brings the incongruence out and starts softening maladaptive believes of “rights” “wrongs”.
This overview is very handy for my clients. I appreciate it very much that we can copy this. Thanks a lot
Very good resource. I am wondering if there is an infographic about how anger that is legitimate due to being intentionally harmed often leads to guilt and shame.
Powerful on many levels. I now believe a bit differently regarding shame resolution, in that the difficulties are self imposed. Once clearly recognized they can be quite effectively and easily resolved. Readiness and willingness to move into a new way, and therefore somewhat uncomfortable initially, of being play into the speed and ease of the transition.
This is very helpful and appreciated! Thank you for the wonderful work you are doing!
thank you. I find this very helpful. It is simply explained and easy to understand and apply to self and help others.
Indeed the two can intertwine. This makes a lot of difference in practice to make the distinction. Thank u
GREAT STUFF, Ruth… thanks! However, I disagree with part of it.
a. The difference in whether Guilt is healthy or not, is what we DO with our guilt… not where it came from. We can feel guilty about an “objectively wrong” action or “unrealistically high standards”, and either one can be quite healthy… IF… we use them to make us better, stop the behaviour and forgive ourselves (resilience, persistence, grit). But, if we beat ourselves up, call ourselves names, put ourselves down or otherwise punish ourselves, unproductively, then THAT is unhealthy guilt. I differentiate these as healthy “Productive Guilt” vs. unhealthy “Punishing Guilt”.
b. “Unhealthy Guilt” can come from our own unrealistically high (or low) standards or others’ unrealistically high (or low) standards.
c. I do agree that the basic dif. between Guilt and Shame is “I did a bad thing” (behaviour) vs. “I am a bad person” (whole person).
Whatcha think?
– Matt
Yes that is a complex addition that seems necessary
Hi, Ruth. Back in the 90s I worked for John Bradshaw. Even his concepts were in need of updating. But, he coined the terms “healthy” vs. “toxic” shame. This is a VERY good distinction. Very few clinicians understand how to work with shame.
Unfortunately, your chart reflects that difficulty. Shame is an affect. Guilt is a cognitive realization, not an affect.
I hope this helps somewhat.
Malcolm Stanislaus, LMFT
I completely agree that shame, per se, is not necessarily a bad thing. The negative emotions evolved for good reasons. It is the defenses that people use to avoid shame that are particularly crippling. Although frequent humiliation is extremely damaging.
This is awesome – simple and clear for those who are working in the field and for those who they would want to share it with – it’s a filter by which one can locate and sort out what they are facing and then take appropriate, positive, life-changing and healing steps . Thanks for putting it together, Ruth!
Very useful to get such a print copy!
Suzanne
The chart is interesting and could be clinically useful. Thank you for posting it. I would recommend the work of Silvan S. Tomkins with regard to shame and guilt. He considers shame to be one of 9 innately wired “affects” from which more complex human emotions develop. These affects are experienced/expressed along a continuum. To describe low level shame we use the word “embarrassed.” High end shame is often described as “humiliation.” Tomkins calls shame the most “affluent” of the negative affects because there has to be some positive feeling disrupted in order for it to occur. For example, if someone believes they are good at something but perform poorly they are almost certain to experience a good deal of shame (e.g., a ballerina dancing poorly). However, if there exists no feeling of competence (the same ballerina being asked to and performing poorly at painting something might elicit little or no shame). A great example of an interpersonal source of shame is unrequited love. Extremely positive feeling is not returned. This typically results in high-end shame responses.
Shame is a social affect. It is present in pack animals (mammals) and probably evolved as a way of “automatically” punishing members of the pack that exhibit transgressive behavior, without the need for any fighting or spilling of blood. Dogs clearly exhibit shame. Cats, who evolved living in very small groups or alone, do not.
According to Tomkins, guilt is more complex, and this is consistent with the chart, as it is a combination of shame about some kind of transgression against norms but also carries a fear (another primary affect) of negative consequence.
David,
Thanks for your response. I’ve been a student of Tomkin’s Affect and Script Psychology since 1995 through the Tomkin’s Institute (www.tomkins.org). I fully endorse your description and explanation of the affect “Shame-humiliation”. Tomkin’s puts all his innate affects except the two Drive Auxilliaries of Disgust and Dissmell on a range of “neural firing”, i.e. Interest to Excitement; Anger to Rage”; Distress to Anguish, etc. You’re correct in stating that Guilt is a cognitive response to any failure and may co-exist with the affect of shame, but is NOT the same phenomenon. Finally, according to the late protege of Tomkin’s, Dr. Donald Nathanson (cf., “Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex and the Birth of the Self”), the affect of Shame-Humiliation is behaviorally scripted into four poles of what Nathanson calls the Compass of Shame : Withdrawal, from any stimuli that trigger shame; Avoidance, of the feeling of shame by “medicating” it with chemicals or behavioral compulsions that trigger intense excitement or satiety; Attack Self or the Masochistic script or Attack Other, the Sadistic/ Macho script. I encourage all readers to familiarize themselves with the neuro-biological psychology of Silvan Solomon Tomkins.
Great information, very useful and informative
Thank you so much for all your wonderful insights and information! You’ve made it simple to understand what holds us back on different levels.
Wonderful, Ruth, thank you for this. So many times I look to the work you do to provide me quick tips, and to shorten the learning curve on complex issues. This tool does that for me. I will most definitely use this right away!
Useful information. Graphic VERY DIFFICULT to work with. Shrink to fit produces such small print as to be unreadable if you are over 35. Color pops on the computer screen, but uses a lot of ink in printing. User friendly print version would be helpful for sharing.
Thanks
Most useful. Thank you.
Let us be careful not to reify our limited conceptual categories with reality and the wide variability of cultural experience. “The map is not the territory.” Shame also serves a fundamentally pro-socializing purpose. Freud hypothesized the super-ego (Uber-Ich) as the psychodynamic principle which enables an individual to assimilate societal influence. In other words, it answers the question, “How does the outside social world become internalized?” Shame operates as a moderating influence on animalistic, aggressive or otherwise manipulative self-serving tendencies. Those of us who work with a forensic population (those diagnosable with anti-social or psychopathic personality traits) deal with this phenomena on a daily basis. Without feeling an overbearing sense of societal pressure, such persons will continue to act “shamelessly”: they are inclined to violate the rights of others and disregard the rules of society with little or no conscience. ‘Remorse’ as well as ‘empathy’ – are not words in their dictionary. Only by stringent impositions from society that their patterns of behavior are
not only unacceptable but will be sanctioned (i.e., ‘punished’) will they consequently begin to refrain from such proscribed behavior. Shame can therefore be a good thing. Indeed, on a primal level, shame is the force that binds society together and compels random individuals to conform to its laws.
I agree that forgiveness is more than just words, it must be heart felt and sincere. Where possible actions to correct the harm and damage done needs to take place. When we try and right the wrongs we have done to someone else, this can assist in bringing them back to a sense of wholeness and integration. Thanks for your post!
Hi everyone!
Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to comment so far; we really appreciate the insights you’re bringing to this discussion!
I just wanted to let you know we did update our infographic based on some of your feedback, and you’ll now see the updated version is posted above.
I really like this, but the printer-friendly version doesn’t print the whole document. so, it is cutting off the “How to work with” section and the copyright info.
If you want to print entire image on a single page, you can change print setting to “shrink to fit”. But the texts would look smaller.
Your guys rock! You consistently provide timely and relevant information and tools for us be even more successful in facilitating healing in our client’s! Thanks, once again!
I will surely share this work and incorporate it into the work I’m doing.
Thank you that is very helpful information and at the right time .
Nice work. I will be sharing this indeed!
Very helpful graphic! Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to preview this. I differ somewhat in my approach to these issues. I don’t think that there is healthy guilt. I think remorse – genuine remorse – is healthy and can be learned and cultivated. I think guilt is a self-manipulation that has no positive side. I think that there are a lot of reason why people choose to manipulate themselves with guilt and the focus here on breaking of irrationally high standards limits the scope of how people use guilt. For example, some people motivate themselves out of guilt. “If i don’t . . . I’ll feel so guilty.” Etc. The shame material is good. Many thanks.
I’m not into down voting, but I do wish we could UPVOTE some of these thoughtful replies posted above.
It is easy to label SHAME as ‘Inappropriate’ but considering some of the family and societal comments and attitudes that survivors endure, it seems clear that it is not just survivors ‘inappropriately’ designating themselves as being somehow ‘responsible’.
As an aside, in Public Health, there is a term we learned: “Response/Able” for the word ‘responsible’. The idea being that One must be empowered in a society, in order to own language and labelling.
Thank You, This is very Helpful !!
Rick Garrett