What would you say to a client who feels as if they’ve wasted years of their life trapped in a cycle of harsh self-judgement?
You see, feeling like you’re “never enough” is very common. According to Tara Brach, PhD, this sense of inadequacy leads to some of the most pervasive suffering in our culture.
In the video below, she’ll share some specific questions that may help clients soften their inner critic and quiet chronic self-judgement. Have a listen.
Do you have clients who are hard on themselves for being self-critical? It’s a vicious cycle.
How might you use these techniques in your practice? Please leave a comment below and let us know.
If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:
How to Reframe a Client’s Relationship with an Inner Critic
A Compassion-Focused Approach to Self-Critical, Negative Thoughts
An Exercise to Decrease Negative Self-Talk
Having Followed Tara, / Jack Kornfield, and Others, I was As Tara Would Say “Trapped In The Trance Of Un-Worthyness” For a Very Long While, Untill at The Suggestion Of Someone Close, I Started To Invesagate / Listen to People Like Tara, Jack, Peter Levine, and Others Who Began to Help me see a Different Pathway….. An Educated Therapist was a Great Plus ! I still Find Myself In That Situation Occasionly, But Borrowed From Tara, and Jack I Stop to Take A “Pause” Which for Me is One Of The Keys That Unlocks This “Trance” !! Thank You
Tara, your words are so powerful and helpful. I believe everyone experiences these feelings from time to time. Practicing self compassion and in your words, “radical acceptance” are critical to our well being. More and more, I am able to be the witness to my own emotions and to be able to reset a more positive mindset. I am grateful for every reminder to be more mindful and compassionate both for myself and others. Thank you
Tara, your words are so powerful and helpful. I believe everyone experiences these feelings from time to time. Practicing self compassion and in your words, “radical acceptance” are critical to our well being. More and more, I am able to be the witness to my own emotions and to be able to reset a more positive mindset. I am grateful for every reminder to be more mindful and compassionate both for myself and others. Thank you
Thank you! This is very helpful to me.
Self-judgment is one of the common mental problems that people have a hard time dealing with and it can depress them all their lives. That’s why I really think we need to pay enough attention to this problem.
Very helpful video. Thank you.
A listing of well controlled studies of the effects of the machines she demonstrated WOULD BE HELPFUL.
What do you mean? This video has nothing to do with her demonstrating any machines?
One aspect of being chronically assailed by an inner critic is that it sets up the conditions for me to experience harm on the outside – in relationships with people, places, things. Who is being harmed? – namely the child, whose desperate attempts to process traumatic experiences in the past were most likely the root cause of the “inner critic”. So I observe, with the help of others, how I may be creating conditions in my daily life where the needs of this inner child are resisted, ignored, or dismissed. It may seem that others are doing it to me, but in reality they would not be doing it do me, if I weren’t already doing it to myself. So I am breaking the cycle, when, for example, I might set a boundary with a person or situation which I intuitively experience as being harmful. Of course, our perceptions may be incorrect, but developing discernment and confidence in our capacity to be in touch with emotions that arise in response to circumstances of daily life can be a helpful part of reclaiming ourselves from the onslaught of the inner critic.
Thank you Tara. A few minutes that remind me of what I need to do. Be kind to oneself, difficult if kindness is something you have not learnt as a child. My child is now my source, my motivation for learning and teaching myself. Thank you!
Thank you Tara?
Thank you for clarity Tara and reminder. I recognise myself living this behaviour since childhood. I exciled myself to another country where nobody knew me, thinking it would never happen again, only to experience the same phenomenon walking along with me and not realising this never left me. I behaved like a child covering their eyes so that the bad things are no longer there. but take your hands away and it stares you in the face…..no escape possible until one finds the courage to deal with it. I’m so afraid of being rejected again and again that I keep running from myself. The social rejection by classmates, parents and teachers was so big as experience that until now I’m still on the run from myself. It’s time for a rest and no longer to feel ashamed of who I am.
Thank you Tara for delivering a subject which is probably applicable to all !
I find Your style authentic , soft and , yes, KIND ??
Thank you
Many people who have suffered trauma are trapped in that cycle of regret and self judgement. This hinders their healing. I have learnt something about the new future i.e starting afresh.
Thank you for the snippet. It is a hard lesson to be kind to ourselves and speak positive affirmations to change the way we think about ourselves. The more we practice kindness toward others it rubs off on ones self. Thank you again for your message.
Thank you for that. I sometimes wonder if you’re listening as I teach my viola students, who are so full of judgement that it paralyzes them. I’m working on the be kind idea while teaching, but it’s hard with teenagers to get them to think beyond “those wrong notes”…
Thank you for this nugget of wisdom!
Love even these snippets of understanding.. Wish I could listen to everyone of these lectures. Great job.
Thanks for sharing the insight, it is always nice to hear her calming, relaxing and wise voice.
Great reminder, thank you.
I often talk to my patients about the Buddha’s second arrow. The first arrow is the actual problem, whatever that may be. It could be the habit of self downing. The second arrow is putting oneself down for the self-criticism, self-judgment, or self-denigration.
I also tell people about the five defaults of the brain. These are where the brain goes in most people when at rest, not busy with a task. They are:
Is there a danger?
How am I doing in comparison to other people around me?
Am I physically OK and safe right this minute?
What’s wrong with me right now?
What can I criticize in others?
Once people see that these tendencies are innate and originated as a way to keep ourselves protected and safe, they have a tendency to stop pathologizing about them.
Very helpful! Thanks.
I very much agree. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing, Nicole. Really very helpful.
This is so interesting. I’m not a therapist, just an interested lay person. Where might I look to find out more about what you call these 5 defaults of the brain, where the brain goes when most people are at rest? Unfortunately google isn’t giving me the answer.
I truly connected to Tara’s words of Please be kind. And to ask myself anew every time what does it mean in this moment to be kind. A feww days ago I had to go with a friend to let her hospitalized son in a psychiatric unit that she was diagnosed with Cancer. It was only this notion of being kind to myself that helped me to be king to him and to huis mother. Tha kindness spread, and I saw how soft and kind he became towards her, and towards himself as well. Please continue spreading self care messages. It is most important to us, the therapissts, and to our patients,clients, and the world.
I find the compassion focused intervention of asking ‘is this helpful or is this harmful’ a wonderful way to increase awareness and set the intention of being kind to ourselves.