When a client experiences a significant or sudden loss, it can feel all-consuming . . .
. . . especially when they start to sift through the layers of emotion that so often accompany grief.
So how might you help a client process those intense emotions, so that they can begin to make meaning out of their loss?
In the video below, Elliott Connie, MA, LPC walks through his approach with a client struggling to come to grips with the sudden loss of her son.
And when you’re doing solution-focused therapy, you always have to be on the lookout for opportunities to ask questions that will have an impact. And as she’s describing her son, she kind of sighed. And I mean, it was an emotional conversation, and she giggled a few times, but there was certainly tears. And she said, “He would be so disappointed in me right now.” And I said, “How come?” And she said, “Because I was always his strong mom and now, I feel so weak and he would want me to be strong.” “So, if he’s looking down on you, what would he notice? I would let him know that you are suffering but strong.” And she said, “At some point, I’m going to have to find a way to give his death purpose.” “And how would you know were doing that?” And she said, “He died of a heart issue and at some point, we have to give his death purpose. I’m going to have to do something meaningful.” And if he were to see her doing that, according to her, that would look like strength.
And the meaningful thing she ended up doing was she started a golf tournament. This woman had no experience with golf or anything. She just thought a golf tournament would be a good fundraiser to raise funds for this issue. And to this day, that golf tournament happens every year. And she’s raised I don’t know how many millions of dollars to research this heart issue.
But that’s why I said I wish I could tell people I think the scariest thing about solution-focus brief therapy is there’s no template. There’s no when this, do this kind of thing. The most important question I asked in that session was, “Can you introduce me to your son?” When I teach solution-focused brief therapy, I have to teach the mindset because the questions emanate from your mindset. The questions come from the way you think about your clients. So, we have to master our mindset, not necessarily memorize a bunch of techniques.
For more expert strategies on working with grief, check out the course Strategies to Help Clients Process Grief and Loss. In it, you’ll hear from experts including Richard Schwartz, PhD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Ellyn Bader, PhD; Frank Anderson, MD; and more.
Now we’d like to hear from you. How have you worked with grief in your clinical practice? Leave a comment below.
That is mind blowing…and insightful that you asked her to introduce you to her son. She came up with the idea about golf and has raised so much money to help give his death purpose and move on with her own life.
Brief focused therapy is not my style.
But if it were brief due to the specific consultation, it would be brief for me too and I would think that it was the priority in the client’s request and I would work on it. I Agree with Elliott Connie. My answer before wasn´t for a brief process.
Thank you.
Judith Roitenberg
Psychologist
Every loss is experienced in a process that goes through stages.
I help to go through the grief. I think about what unites and separates the client from the loss and I work on it. I think about the history of his identification processes, reviewing loving feelings and unconsciously rooted feelings of guilt. That is to say in the ambivalence of his feelings, but I never share my thinking process until the client approaches that theme, unless it is necessary to take a new step in the therapeutic process. I try to evaluate it together with the client from their thoughts.
I agree the most important question was introduce me to your son. I believe remembering him in life assists clients in processing their loss while creating positive memories to look upon when suffering. I enjoy your videos and have taken other classes. Thank you!
Anthony Birthday is tomorrow!! I’m sure tears will flow but, you single handedly showed my all my tool and taught me to use them I think of you everyday.
This short video of Elliot Connie LPC is wonderful for me to experience. Thank you much for airing. This is helpful and I’ve already forwarded this a Pat Ogdens video to others.
Many people cannot afford your programs a mainstream therapist don’t really reach outside the normal box to understand what has been achieved and what tools are available in the past 30/40 years. Most people that are looking for help need an idea of what to look for, $97 to pay for this course. So I am very thankful to you, Ruth, for giving us two clips.
It’s the mindset we enter into before we work with another and ourselves that can set the course for being available and hold a loving space. The only way out is through.
it reminds me that people may want share stories about their loved one, and the right question to “tell me more”” might open opportunities for sharing and understanding this person and their loved one, and who and how they are living with grief.
my old supervisor, who was a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, said with grief never make a person fit a theory. For sure have your tools in your back pocket, but sometimes it is just our presence that lets the alchemy of love, training and lived experiences help.
Model of Dual process of grief by Stroebe and Schut, has been super helpful with understanding how grief plays out for each person and it also points to how counselors can help clients titrate their different experiences while grieving.
It has much to do with just listening and giving space
Mr Elliott offered a very cogent process comment when it comes to listening to clients and subsequently formulating a response. The clinician’s “mindset” is his /her’s theoretical orientation or way of conceptualizing the client’s problem or comment/ question. Trying to search for a therapeutic technique or searching for a particular question from a list of questions, is not necessary if one just stays true to the tenets to their theoretical orientation.
thanks for sharing especially the way to make meaning out of a loss
I love that video, thank you Ruth. So powerful, emotional and insightful. Very moving and genuine.
I was just talking with a dear Jewish doctor regarding the struggle in the near east. Our long evolving discussion landed on the need for involved parties to find the significant shared pieces that were strong enough to allow mutual existence to be the reason for peaceful negotiations through differences and fear. At another level this too is the way through loss and grief. Jane Brown
As an Integrative Mindbody therapist with a Massters in Counseling and several certs in Energy Psych, I have found the fastest, most noninvasive and effective protocols involve Thoughtfield therapy and AIT. Gary Rosenthal CMT,MAC,TFTDX