Feelings of unworthiness, shame, and self-hatred seem to show up all too often in daily life – we see it in our work, our families, and maybe even experience it ourselves.
But there’s at least one person in the world who’s not especially familiar with such feelings. In fact, he didn’t even know the meaning of the term self-hatred.
Jack Kornfield, PhD, reveals more in the video below, and shares two strategies that can help people heal a negative self -image and learn to love themselves.
Take a look – it’s just over four minutes.
How have you used mindfulness – in your work or in your life – to deal with self-criticism or other negative feelings? Please share your experience in the comment section below.
Thank you!
At age 56 and still striving for my calling these layers of wretched
feelings are the core of my healing. I hold them like a friend and discover more and
more layers of not accepting them. I bravely peel these aversions away.
D W Winnicott describes the primitive agonies I am so familiar with. The
deep miracle is that I do still hope and have energy to love others.
May my efforts be of service to my tribe.
Victor
Thank you for the reminder.
My experience, through mid-life crisis, education in Psychology, exposure to broken hearted clients, AND through personal meditation, and Co-dependency -12 Step work,
is that — filling a full cup is fooling myself —-
So, I learned to empty some of the fullness… and be less foolish.
I started by releasing myself from some of the mixed messages I absorbed as a youth in christianity, and read some post-Catholic Church information that lead me out of the maze of fear about a final judgement, eternal damnation, and seeking perfection (while living in the dualistic sense of reality). Life is easier now…. even if I am wrong. JAB
I was happy to listen to Jack Kornfield’s video. It seems to me dwelling on unworthiness for love, insecurity, feelings of not doing what other folks think is hard to put into action of letting go of these thoughts. Sometimes even a short length of time in use, if a person doesn’t get an instant clearing up of problem, they cannot resist returning to what doesn’t work for them. A typical response is “I just don’t care anymore,” yet, core beliefs are screaming that a picture perfect life must be displayed at all times. I recognize that even as therapist I can have these days. Having been on disability most of 2014, big hit to my executive functions. Have learned I can change living style and still be loving, compassionate, empathetic, caring and productive human being and therapist.
I had the same reaction as Bruce Ammons to the stock photos. Pretty pretty idealized people and situations and then Dr. Kornfield: glasses askew and rumpled lapel, then pretty pretty people again. It just highlights for me how much society sets up the framework for self hatred that it strengthens that framework in a video against self hatred. I don’t doubt self hatred is a foreign concept to the Dalai Lama who probably wasn’t saturated with the same subliminal social messaging of ‘not ok’ that we are. My struggle is that I recognize the core in me that is self loving and trusting, but the loud critical voice can easily overpower because it is all too easy to believe what it says. We are judged by others, and we have a need to belong (as pointed out by Kristina Cizmar), which sets the stage for a direct social punishment for not measuring up; which validates the fear driving self-correction/hatred. I appreciate the express message of the video and all of the comments because it highlights that there isn’t one way to look at or improve the situation, but many small efforts that move the needle. The technique that helps me is to embrace forgiveness. Forgiving others for not measuring up to the critic in my mind requires that I must also forgive myself for being critical. Forgiveness being the first step to acceptance of an imperfect world full of imperfect people helps connect me to the sense that things being not ideal is ok, and even how it is meant to be just that (so being perfect in its own way). So I’ll forgive the person who put those stock images in the video, as I will forgive the place in me that experienced feelings of deficiency when I saw that beautiful woman gazing longingly out of the window.
I have great love and compassion for others. I had to be reminded by a teacher, and learn to remind myself that excluding myself from that compassion and love is because of an incorrect perception. I am one of those for whom I offer love and compassion. As I pray for my happiness and enlightenment, others are included, and as I pray for all beings, I am included.
Acceptance of both ones body and ones mind/emotions/feelings is on a list I made of subjects I feel qualified to help others with. I notice social programming all around that gives VERY negative messages to us in these areas.
First of all your physical body is really just a outside shell for “YOU”, that inner person that resides inside that body. It is drummed into our heads (through social acceptance) that being young, or thin, or attractive is what matters. This certainly is at the heart of SO much body hatred and feelings of shame in our society!
As I watched this video a few things came to mind about positive ways to release negative feelings towards ones body (I could write another whole article on dealing with acceptance of the mind/emotions/feelings, another time perhaps). I am choosing to focus on our physical selves in this comment because, well, you got to start somewhere, right!
The first thing is that I have noticed people do not spend much time actually touching their own bodies. I feel it is healthy to make the time to massage oneself often. You can LOVE your feet, legs, torso, arms, hands, neck and face as you enjoy massaging them (I use raw coconut oil, but other natural substances would work also, if desired). As you massage your skin and muscles you are in that moment sending love to yourself if you think positive thoughts on how much those body parts serve you each and every moment. As you touch and massage yourself you become away of any small sort spots or places that need more attention and loving touch. For example, when you touch your feet instead of thinking “I have ugly toenails”, or “I hate this callous on my foot” as your rub and touch it you focus on how wonderful your feet are! You realize how very thankful you are to have this body part and the wonders of how works. Repeat for all other body parts.
Another thing that helps with body acceptance is being naked. Stand in front of a mirror and move around and for that time release any thoughts of “I am too fat” or “I do not look good” and for that time instead you focus on what a miracle you are! You can take those moments to realize you are ALIVE and it is because of the body you see that makes it so! You are your very own person, you have your very own life, so why compare it to someone else’s? If you think someone is better then you, then BINGO you have just found an awareness of a way you are making yourself a victim and lesser then you really are! Once you have the awareness of a negative feeling or belief it is GREAT because that’s the “Eureka” moment that you can actually help work to release that negative feeling!
One other way is to just take a half hour here and there and relearn the basics of how your body works. We all learned this information in elementary school but it would seem many people forgot how their bodies work and how wonderful it is to even BE alive! Your billions of cells all work in little communities, working together. Reflect on the way you eat and breathe to keep all those billions of cells alive, and yet, that very act that feeds those cells also keeps YOU alive in return! I find it wonderful to reflect on how each cell eats and uses oxygen and changes, grows, ages and dies (just like we do but on a much different scale). You then feel good about taking a easy breath and feeling loving gratefulness for each liver cell, or brain cell, etc… and the way they live in their separate areas and yet all together they make the beautiful, unique, harmony of energy that in turn creates your very life!
I feel it is healthy to take some time each day to be grateful for having such a wondrous body to live in and to forgive any day to day feelings of any kind of unworthiness about this living “shell”. I often remind people that “If you can take a breath then you are a living miracle, be grateful for your life!”. Yes, with practice, a bit each day, people CAN learn to LOVE and accept who they are!
I loved your post. When I suggest clients stand in front of mirror I can visibly see they cannot picture themselves doing that. They think it is stupid. Society teaches so much wrong about you must be certain body types, looks and personalities that starts at a young age. Who gets to define normal? That is so much input it boggles the mind when one starts to think about it.
In my work I’ve seen that how we define the problem IS the problem. When we define “shame” as some version of “I am bad” we get stuck. When we talk about self-acceptance and focus on the “self” this is toxic. Why are we worried about self-acceptance? Because we have a need for acceptance in groups. When we talk about negative self-image, and focus on our “self” this too is toxic. Why are we worried about our image? Because we have a need to belong to groups.
When we redefine the problem as “I am not good enough to belong” amazing shifts happen. In my book, I go into this in greater detail.
I am a huge fan of mindfulness and meditation. However I believe there are times when it is used to dissociate from our problems or emotions, and I think this is a tricky balance with feelings of shame. I am also a huge fan of Jack Kornfield – especially loved his presentations at Wake Up Festival!
I have worked as a counselor for 25 years in Canada and am stiill astounded by the extent that people pathologize themselves because they feel feelings which society has sanctioned as bad feelings. Growing up in Southern Africa I was not taught to shun feelings. I wrote a book REclaim your soul your path to healing to help people deal with those feelings they reject. I hope the book will provide some medicine against this self onslaught.
I find that most SELF-criticism, and SELF imposed negativity share the SELF same issue: SELF. When we can recognize how utterly egotistical we’re being by focusing on how “I’m the worst,” as I separate myself from everything and everyone else, striving to differentiate, I can laugh at the SELF-centered behavior and thoughts, and get back to living a life of Oneness with All That Is. If there’s something I don’t like about my behavior, I find changing that behavior works better than complaining to myself about it. If I’m thinking dumb, negative thoughts, I find that thinking intelligent helpful thoughts pushes them out of the way. This is the one place where Nike got it right: “just do it.” Catch the nonsensical thoughts/feelings, stop it, replace with intelligent thoughts/feelings that serve self and others.
I have used mindfulness to try to find within myself the ability to accept as is that which I long to change but is not within my power, to try to release myself from suffering from the grief and frustration of being unable to have my preferred conditions. It is not easy, I am not done, but I employ mindfulness to my own feelings, appreciate and bring compassion to myself, to my longings and my behavior. This sometimes opens space to also appreciate and feel compassion for others who are also struggling as I am with their own emotions, and increases my ability bit by bit.
Mindfulness is not a commodity to be used, it is not a technique. There are tool and techniques based on mindfulness, which is an inherent capactity that we can cultivate and it is also a way of life.
thank you for the video.
As children growing up in dysfunctional families we tend to blame ourselves for the ills of our parents or family members. It is common for children to blame themselves for the alcoholism, abuse, neglect, whatever is lacking or hurtful in the family. Is this our culture? Certainly the co-dependency aspects that accompany the dysfunctions seem to be worldwide. In my own case I finally came to the conclusion that if I removed myself from the situation I blamed myself for, it would still have existed. Therefore, I must not be to blame – at least not as a whole.
Using this concept I look beyond those childhood days into the days of adulthood, I found that dismantling the scenario for blame also revealed that I would blame me for the same things that I would excuse others. Why is that I asked? Is it because I expect more of myself? No, it was because blaming myself gave me a sense of control. I found once I realized this, I could move in with self-compassion instead and always try to view myself from a third person perspective. How would I treat another in my own shoes?
Guilt and shame can be detrimental beyond the scope of simple solutions. Both are very destructive and can be used as tools of manipulation against others in struggles for control. These are one ‘church’ I would not subscribe to.
Laurie, you describe this so accurately. I like what you said about removing yourself from the situation and knowing that it would have happened anyway, so it couldn’t be your fault. This concept will be useful with clients. Thanks for your wisdom.
Exceptional piece of film – I look forward to receiving the report……
I really enjoyed this short attention to self-hatred… very valuable to know that the Dalia Lama did not even know the word! Dottie Higgins-Klein
My favorite means [favorite because of the ease of teaching them to clients & their ease of use by the clients, also the speed at which they work] are EFT & the Emotion Code. I also teach meditation for support of their progress.
“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”. ~ Rumi
This is true for self love as well & both EFT & the Emotion Code work beautifully & quickly to this end.
Having taken care of my lovely wife with dementia for ten years it was necessary to put her into a memory care center last year. My feelings of self hatred at that time were overwhelming although it was a necessary move for safety reasons. Doing mindfulness meditation and learning self love is helping. Still a long way to go. The goal is to be able to support my wife with compassion as well as wisdom. Getting over my own problems will help me better care for her. This video is helpful.
I don’t normally respond to these calls for public feedback, but felt compelled today to simply offer my experience on the journey. I use mindfulness and a daily meditation practice in my personal and professional life. It has been a matter of shear survival at times. As a psychologist, it is hard to admit that I need help and healing. And yet, as I continue to practice and approach the end of my career, I see many of my junior and senior colleagues experiencing similar self-criticism and deeply rooted beliefs of unworthiness. I learn and grown from my teachers, retreats, reading, and the practice of mindfulness and meditation. I teach it to my family, friends, patients, neighbors, the mailman, the bank teller. Anyone ready to learn…. oh, not through teaching, preaching, and lessons. Through being and accepting, and knowing, and struggling, rejecting and doubting. It is a daily practice. I am deeply humbled and grateful for this practice and my teachers in my life.
How lovely to hear of your experience and use of Mindfulness and daily practice. It resonates very much with my own, or at least my own intention. Wishing you a happy, healthy and fulfilling retirement.
Not so briefly – I had a very traumatic childhood – starting in my early childhood development stages thru to Age 22 when I finally had the opportunity leave. Indeed I left South Africa to start a new life abroad and finally settled in Vancouver. Little did I know I had not left my traumatic childhood behind in SA. At age 58 My life was all but destoyed by Chronic case Clinical Depression and living with it for the last 10yrs has been like a curse. Afrer extensive Electric Convulsion Therapy, they discovered 2 anti-depressants that helped stabilise me – Wellbutrin and Escitalopram and I have been taking a sleeping pill Zopiclone for 10yrs and have been in Ongoing Therapy with a Psychiatrist who has been EXTREMELY helpful. The Mindfullness Practices of Loving Kindness and Self Acceptance did not help me at all. I lived from my neck up – below my body was numb as for feelings, I had none. Because of my Yoga background I was aware of Yoga Therapist Nischala Joy Devi and Yoga Nidra – a very deep complete 30 minute guided relaxation pracrice. I knew Inuitively I needed to work with the body (Grounding, feeling connected to the earth) and to Recalibrate my Nervous System It has been 2 plus now – 1/2hr a day and slowly but surely my body numbness and frozen feelings thawed. About a year ago I was on my daily walk and suddenly noticed a breeze on my face – I was no longer like the “walking dead” it was spring. I noticed the flowers/blossoms, smelt the perfume in the air. Much to my suprise a book titled The BODY KEEPS the SCORE Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by BESSEL VAN DER KOLK. MD has recenly been published – and it Explains it All!!
as only a leading expert in the World of Trauma can.
A very touching story Graham and proof that it is never too late to find peace, hope and acceptance. I wish you well in your journey.
Thank you so much Grahm for the helpful info. I also had a very traumatic childhood and I related to everything that you experienced and you’ve given me hope by sharing this book and the yoga.
Thanks. And continued healing on your journey.
I learned the loving kindness meditation in Ron Seigal’s book “The mindfulness Solution”
” May I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be free from suffering”
After giving compassion to your self you can grow that circle to include others, family, co-workers, neighbours and friends. It is a lovely way to transform self criticism and other negative feelings.
Mindfulness allows me to accept myself as I am, as a wounded human being.
Thank you for the focus on negative thoughts. Fifteen months ago the body of mine was attacked by a most unusual decease, lichens ended up covering my entire body. It was shocking to see and doctors did not know or were confused, so no outside help. At that point I decided to research this painful outbreak myself. Once I found a doctor who identified it, my inner being made a decision to assist the body with compassion and kindness to start healing it. Now, I must say at times I got discouraged but I had long ago seen that the affliction will heal, the body will be whole again in perfect health.
Understanding the compassion and dedication to it’s wellness was paramount in staying in stillness and wholeness with love for it and my being.
Now the body and I are working in harmony. The experience taught me what transformation is and how deeply loving and caring I have become. Gratitude is imprinted on my heart until the end of time.
I am a psychotherapist and I have a set of tiny wooden figures that fit inside each other…from larger to smallest. The tiny one is quite small and seems quite vulnerable. It reminds us to be kind when we feel very small.
I am a psychotherapist. I use the visual of the tiny wooden dolls that fit into each other. The tiniest doll seems so vulnerable and helps us remember to be kind when we feel little.
A great Siddha Guru, Bhagavan Nityananda always said, “The Heart is the Hub of All Sacred Places, Go There and Roam in It!” As a student of meditation I was lucky enough to receive this teaching from the Siddha lineage. When I notice myself feeling negativities, I go right to my heart and immediately feel the love that rests there. I breathe into the heart and out through the pelvis which centers me, and is so pleasant that I stay there for a while. This is a great technique taught by the heart-math institute. As a meditation teacher, I teach different meditation techniques, along with chanting. I end each hour and a half class with a call and response Sanskrit chant which energizes the students. I also suggest that they repeat a mantra or chant one while walking through the city. One of the benefits of living in NYC, is you can chant while walking down the street, and between everyone texting and the sirens, trucks and traffic, nobody is going to hear you. Aside from that, using these techniques you can enjoy the nectar of your own inner being anytime negativities threaten!
Thank you for sharing! I had forgotten about Heartmath- need to revisit!
Observe Let Go attachment. It is truly liberating to see inside with one eye, feelings such as unworthiness, getting it wrong, as they arise. Naming them and letting go attachment to them without feeding into the swirl of other thoughts that are ready to accompany the initial feeling. Mindfulness helps me to see what is and to let it go.
For weeks, perhaps months now, I’ve been listening to Pema Chodron about Buddhist principles of Metta (sounds like my-tree), and *negative-negativity*. Some wonderful things she says that have lightened my life are that NEGATIVITY is not a bad thing all by itself….in fact, witnessing your negative thoughts and feelings is *where it’s at*.
Negativity is awake, aware and precise!
*Negative- Negativity* however,
is what’s problematic: acting out, being in denial of or ashamed of the feelings, repressing them…BEATING YOURSELF UP for your rage is just as detrimental as engaging in a fist fight.
Instead, name them, choose to watch them–rage, jealousy, anxiety, frustration, addictions and *become more INTIMATE* with how you feel inside when these demons try to erupt. I dig her talks. They feed my soul.
I am part of a cardiac support group and would like to teach cardiac patients better ways to deal with stress in their live’s. I have chosen mindfulness practice as the path to teach as I believe that what is learned during meditation can easily be applied to activities the rest of the day. During the ordinary course of the day a person walks, sits and waits. During these times, which might not last too long, one can avoid getting lost in useless rumination and instead can focus on their breath or footfall. Over time mindfulness becomes more of a habit and when it is necessary to respond to more challenging events it becomes easier. I realized to become a more effective teacher it is necessary to rededicate myself to mindfulness practice. To this end I have discovered that insight to seemingly intractable problems seem to present themselves although in unexpected ways. I am gradually developing the faith that through mindfulness practice, just by non judgmentally becoming aware of breathing, bodily sensations and all thoughts, including the negative thoughts the answer comes. I suspect part of the reason behind this is that cultivating more trust, self acceptance and patience with one’s self the unconscious releases the answers when conditions are ripe
I have found it helpful to use mindfulness with clients who want to overcome an addiction, who are depressed or who want to make a significant change in the way they respond. It’s value is that initially it frees people from the struggle with the habitual pattern, after all we need to know, become familiar with, lovingly accept that part of ourself we wish to guide towards change before we can see clearly enough to do what is helpful. Often just being beginning to be mindful of a pattern of behaviour or thinking is enough to introduce the pause in silence in which there is freedom. This spontaniously generates new, conscious actions.
When I notice the natural world and marvel at the amazing complexity of a single flower and then think of what goes into a human being, trillions of cells all doing their own special thing with little help from me, I know their is no place for self hatred. It becomes a silly notion.
I have found my way in. When I am caught in a self-critical trap, I use my metta practice to open my heart to others. After a while, I find my heart (not my head) begins to accept me as being like the many imperfect people I know. And upon recognizing my commonality, I can feel my heart open to my condition. Then I am able to embrace it and having embraced it, I can see that it is a part of being me.
I use mindfulness in conjunction with several heartmath tools. In a quiet atmosphere early in my day, I list all that I am grateful for, an assets list. Then, I list all the troubling areas currently at work or anticipated in my life that day. These are my edge of mastery, my ongoing opportunities for transformation. Here is where I enfold the deficit experiences within the mindfulness of that gratitude engendered from the assets list with heart focused breathing. The energy of gratitude wakes up a different me, I see with an activated heart. I hold this mindfully for just minutes. This changes everything. During my day, I take time out whenever I am in transition from one activity to another or whenever I remember it, to breathe that mindfulness of gratitude. It’s always little by little…..
I did not know that self-hatred and deep unworthiness was something unique to our culture. But why am I surprised? The world and this country (USA) has many many wonderful caring people – but we have such an unloving and violent culture in America as a country. I have experienced this personally and professionally and I see it throughout society. I didn’t learn about mindfulness until I took the Mindfulness Professional training at Duke University Integrative Medicine Center in my early sixties. By that time I had done a great deal of wonderful personal healing work. But mindfulness took me, is taking me, so much deeper into being comfortable and at peace “in my own skin.” At the training I had a huge “aha!” that I don’t have to be perfect; that there is no perfect, and I don’t have to try to change that or strive for some perfection. I am the full catastrophe as JKZ puts it and I am wonderful just as I am in each present moment. As Jack Kornfield says above, Loving Kindness practice is a huge transformer. LK practice has enriched my feeling of connection to all beings. At the heart level. I lived more in my head like I know most of us do in our culture. Mindfulness is so heart opening and transformative.
For me the increasing clarity of when the “voices” of self judgment occur in my head has been helpful. In other words, it used to be like a “voice over” in my head. With persistence and attentiveness and mindful awareness, I could increasingly hear the loudness, tone, and content of “the voice”. It wasn’t very kind!! Sitting practice enabled me to witness the thoughts and feelings around self attack and to really see that those attacks/voices were “me”. With increasing spaciousness around what I was experiencing in sitting practice, enabled those thoughts to move through me without identification of “my attack thoughts mean it’s true”. The thought increasingly became more passing clouds. Lastly, hanging out with people who love me and removing myself from those who aren’t helped increasingly. Also, having two loving and cats and a dog didn’t hurt either!! Mindfulness practice around self judgment works but as Jack said, it’s a long term practice and noticing the self judgment to hurry that process might be a place to notice first.
Thank you
you are greatly appreciated
In my personal experience, mindfulness allows me to recognize and to accept my shortcomings without being critical, or judgemental at all. Which also means I have to recognize my assets without taking ego-inflating credit. I’m becoming OK with me just the way I am, which, paradoxically, promotes growth and personal development.
I use mindfulness to re-center myself several times a day. Like many others I accumulated all that I judged bad or deficient in myself.The amount of badness and deficiency grew to be an overwhelming cloud, blocking out any light celebrating love, forgiveness and joy. All of that is slowing changing. The cloud is breaking up, allowing feelings of worthiness to come through. What a journey!
Loving kindness and self-compassion practices have transformed my life in the past two years, and I’m eager to continue. My inner life is softer and deeper than I’ve ever experienced before. Feeling loving toward myself and others is deeply comforting and healing.
The gratitude I have for these teachings cannot be explained by my following comment
. Self-criticism, judgement and blame continuously remind me of the essential practices of mindfulness self compassion and forgiveness.
Growing up I had such violent feelings of self hatred my attempts at validating these feelings lead me to a world filled with drugs and other self harming behaviors. What actually I believe now saved me was a DVD I picked up by accident that introduced me to yoga. Something shifted in me I felt acceptance though very breif and short lived it opened the door to the possibility of being ok, not defected, worthy, connected a part of. I chased that. I started a regular yoga practice investigated further why this practice was so healing.
I found yoga to be a mindful moving meditation that gave me for the first time ever a relief from the self criticism. I eventually read “radical acceptance” by Tara Brach and fully understood the impact judgement had on my quality of life and ability to be useful.In the beginning self love and compassion were much to foreign an abstract concept that I had to say things such as ” I am the possibility of self love” ” I am the possibility of worthiness” and so on.
Today i am a 29 yearoldwoman who has developed a mindfulness practice that continues to serve as a refuge among the default modes of self critism and judgement. I am aware today that when I get caught in those patterns I am cut off from the truth of the moment and cannot love fully nor be of use to my boyfriend or clients. the acceptance that goes hand in hand with mindfulness allowed me to accept and feel the pain of self criticism. When I could begin to accept those beleifs as truly being there their ability to penetrate my core being decreased in intensity and frequency. This saved my life.
I use Ho’oponopono when I am feeling just the teensiest self-critical, and at other times as well. I have put it to music in a chant, and I sing it to myself…”I’m sorry…please forgive me…I love you…Thank you for showing me this…”
Last night I arrived exhausted on Miami Beach after a long day of flying from NY with my daughter and granddaughter. After we picked up our rental car, we arrived at the hotel. The parking was expensive so we decided to park along the road where the sign said you could park until 6pm. I set my alarm and when I arrived to move the car, it was gone! It had been towed.
I had mis-read the confusing sign. I looked again. I had made a mistake.
After I went to talk to the hotel attendant, he helped me find the towing company who had taken the car. It was going to be $247. cash plus the cost of a taxi ride to the towing company. My fury knew no bounds. I just couldn’t believe it. Here we were trying to save the cost of valet parking….since my daughter had rented the car, she had to go to the towing place to retrieve the car…I was devastated because even though I told her I would pay for it (plus the cost of the parking ticket, a relative bargain at $28.), I still had burdened her with the drive to the towing company headquarters.
The whole evening, after an initial spell of anger, I felt a huge self recrimination. How stupid I had been. Plus the feeling of having been robbed. My self esteem evaporated. I was totally bad, wrong, careless….etc.. the inner litany went on.
I started craving chocolate. My usual soothing activity….I just couldn’t forgive myself. An inner “gnashing of teeth”!
How long will this color my mind?
Until I forgive myself. I made a mistake. I was exhausted. The sign was confusing.
I feel as though I haven’t really completely arrived this morning, beautiful, warm, supposed to be relaxing eating breakfast by the pool watching my daughter and granddaughter splashing. My chest feels like a dark prison.
I sit and really feel it, and tears of compassion come up for the painfulness of not only the outer happening, the towing cost, but for the pain of what my mind does to me, not just mine, but apparently also many other humans.
As I watch my daughter splashing in the pool with my granddaughter, I pray they are freed from this burden, and that self-forgiveness and forgiving others might heal so much pain.
One little trick I use is password therapy. I’m sure I’m not the only one- but. I choose passwords for my day to day internet life such as Lovemyself2U or peace4u&me. (Not my present actual passwords)
Sometimes if I am doing some project or activity regularly I may address it in my choice of passwords, for example, paintingis4joy. Or once when there was some tension with my daughter I changed my password to annslove4me and love2ann.
A record of my passwords and a review show the journey I’ve taken through different challenges.
IMAGINE! if everyone contributed from a fullness of self love and confidence.
Imagine if we created a world so that peoples needs were met as the basis of how we achieve this.
Goodness.. I’m not the only one who struggles with this!
Now I’m ready to take self responsibility and make sure I support my body to self love through good food, good relationships and loving kindness… than you Ruth for putting this together.. helping us create the world where everyone feels whole and has the compassion to connect and care for each other.
Many thanks to you Ruth, for your innovative contributions that inform your audience on a range of issues and practices for improved health and well-being. While there are many ways to access information on the internet, NICABM provides an in-depth, intelligent educational service.
That being said, I will briefly add that I especially appreciate the video from February 6 featuring Jack Kornfield speaking on mindfulness and self-worth. In my work as a clinical social worker in private practice I have found that my study of mindfulness skills and its application to clinical practice to be profoundly helpful to clients. Notably, in my work with women who have binge eating problems, I have consistently found that mindfulness skills provide the highest level of self-efficacy for client self-worth. Very inspiring and important for clinicians to be informed of the clinical utility of mindfulness skills in working with a variety of self-regulatory problems and for overall well-being. Thank you Ruth!
Thanks for highlighting such an important topic. I see every patient I work with struggling with a critical InterVoice in some fashion. They always stem from earlier trauma they suffered or their parents or grandparents suffered. This voice sounds syntonic to most people, that is they think it is themselves, until it really get scrutinized in therapy and they understand that actually it’s the way they were talked to.
Wondering important thing I wanted to ask about the video: why did you use such Hollywood looking people in the pictures at the end of the video? Please do not look like my every day clients. They look like people to meet the perfectionist ideals of our culture. This seems like a real oversight in the video that’s highlighting how people compare themselves to others and find themselves wanting!
I listened to Jack’s course on The Power of Mindfulness early in the summer of 2014. I was surprised to hear that the Dali Lama was not familiar with the problem of self hatred and castigation as I know so many people here who struggle daily with negative, toxic self talk. The roots of this habit are likely religio-cultural but digging out and examining the roots does not seem to serve to stop the habit. I have personally benefited this year from the use of acceptance and forgiveness practices, some from Jack’s presentation (1,000 joys and sorrows, a working definition of forgiveness (giving up hope for a better past), steady reminders that waking up is a process, requiring patience and perseverance), and some from the work of Tara Brach (radical acceptance) and Rick Hanson (adding positive thoughts to my chain of negative ones, thereby changing the balance of thought tone and entraining neutral to positive thoughts with those more toxic ones). Together these techniques have been effective and helpful. The safety found in mindfulness practice works to allow radical acceptance of our human condition. thanks to nicabm and each of you working to spread this information…a paradigm shift in our culture. virginia
As I use mindfulness and loving kindness to increase self confidence…… I have more energy to love others and free my spirit from the confinement of my past and my mind
This is huge! This is new! We are the ones to help others believe in who they are and to acknowledge the ultimate power that lies within our own self. We must support and love ourselves unconditionally. Forgiveness is a process…. Forgive.. And love yourself daily… Moment by moment…. Guiding your own mind to the now. Thankyou…. This website has changed how I think and how I live!
I chose to watch this video this a.m. because I knew I was struggling with negativity. Thanks!
I assist people in learning Zen Bhuddhist meditation as I was taught by my zen master and friend. I also teach my clients breath awareness meditation, and many of the others to help gently ground a person in the present moment.
Thank you for your topic on self acceptance!
Good moring friend
It’s sunday am 02/08/15 I want to thank you for presenting to us in the American culture these tough issues like trauma, abuse , violence and the disease of self hatred. Thanks for educating many of us who have never had these inner skills, but knowing now these skills and inner healing can occur. Thanks for being a truth seeker and truth teller.
Rick