For some clients, their go-to response to hurt or disappointment may be to find something (or more often someone) to blame it on.
And when that blame is accompanied by anger and harsh criticism, it can wreak havoc on their relationships.
So how can we help clients begin to manage distressing emotions, instead of jumping right to blame?
Zindel Segal, PhD walks us through a mindfulness approach that can help.
Take a look.
I stay with features of moment to moment experience that are often based in the body. So sensory processing, because in some ways I think the sensory processing can be less shame inducing than some of the cognitive processing. So someone who can tell me about a sensation of tightness in the chest, someone who can tell me about a sensation of throbbing in the temples might be more willing to talk about that, or at least to note it compared to feelings of anger or even beyond that, which I think is where you want to get to, feelings of hurt and disappointment, sadness and really shame.And then the lens of mindfulness allows her to start to catalog any sensations that were present, any thoughts that came through her mind, any emotions. And I would say that probably the thoughts came first, but I might say, “When you thought to yourself, ‘I can’t believe this is happening. I really need this,’ for example, ‘How can she do this to me?'” Then I might say, “And when you have that thought or even now as you replay it in your head, are there any sensations in your body that you’re aware of?” So she knows that I’m accompanying her in this investigation and I’m kind of holding her close to what she’s monitoring, what she’s talking about and yet we’re not necessarily getting to a place where it’s a right or wrong. I’m wrong to blame her or she’s wrong to cancel. It’s more, let’s see this in a greater sense of fullness and richness. And in doing that, I think it allows her to start to see that there are elements of her experience that might be minimized.
So for example, if she’s talking primarily about anger, she’s talking primarily about judgment of her friend. How could she do this to me? I’ve done so much for her. We were planning this, I need this, et cetera, et cetera. If she’s not saying something about her internal experience, I might ask her, “What about ways in which this made it harder for you? Did you feel disappointed or did you feel let down?” And she might kind of aggressively say, “Of course I did.” And then that would be for me an opening to say, “So if you’re aware of any of those feelings now, what sensations are present for you? Can we amplify? Can you hold onto some of this and just tell me what that feels like?” And then the invitation of course is not to say, “Look, this is really what’s happening, don’t blame your friend.” The invitation for her is to see that all of this is part of the experience. So the blaming, the name calling of her friend alongside with her disappointment, her sense of having something taken away, and how that hurts and being able to hold some of that. So it’s trying to increase her capacity to have a fuller sense of that experience. That’s one way that I would work with it.
For expert strategies on helping to shift clients out of patterns of blame, anger, pain, and resentment, check out this course featuring Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Dan Siegel, MD; Marsha Linehan, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; and more.
Now, please let us know your takeaways in the comments below. Do you have a client who might benefit from this approach? What other strategies have you found to be effective in working with a client’s patterns of blame?”
I’m 35 and my romantic relationships never last more than a year or 2. No close friends or even family. Been reading as much as I can to try and educate myself, what else can one do if there’s no one to talk to. How very ironic that helping others comes so naturally but I can’t help myself
Very helpful. Thank you
Instead of focusing on the blame reaction and response, we help the person to be fully aware of how they felt and thought, the whole range of feelings around that which then reduces the automatic blame response. It’s counter intuitive and yet makes perfect sense. Thanks for this.
One of the clients I saw last week will benefit from this approach! I plan to give this a try with her this coming week.
Excellent work to create more fullness of the greater good and the broader vision of the needs of both the hurt person and the person, who for whatever reason, caused the hurt. Mary Dean
I liked this. Saw its application by a friend with whom I also have a relationship as my pastor. She was an encouraging mentor. At one time several years ago, I might have ended up blaming her (or myself) that she could not always be available when I needed her. At a particularly difficult time for me, she talked about what I wanted (or needed) and that if I could not be understanding of her scheduling issues, she would probably disappoint me often.
It was difficult to figure out how to tell her that I was indeed very disappointed that she had not been available at a time I was so needy, but that I was in no way disappointed in her as a person; her honesty and her spiritual and ethical decision-making priorities were important not just to how she treated me, but others in all facets of her life in service to Christ, family, and neighbor.
Her approach, in helping me define where I was “emotionally” and how I felt was, I believe, key to our continuing a rich spectrum of relationships, including over ten years as trustworthy friends and reliable colleagues.
Thanks!~ I only had time to review the three paragraphs above, but I personally received affirmation of an experience of my own. In it I saw its application by a friend with whom I also have a relationship as my pastor. She is an encouraging mentor. At one time several years ago, I might have ended up blaming her (or myself) that she could not always be available when I needed her. At a particularly difficult time for me, she talked about what I wanted (or needed) and addressed the simple truth, that if I could not be understanding of her scheduling issues, she would probably disappoint me often.
It was difficult to figure out how to tell her that I was indeed very disappointed that she had not been available at a time I was so needy, but that I was in no way disappointed in her as a person; her honesty and her spiritual and ethical decision-making priorities were important not just to how she treated me, but others in all facets of her life in service to Christ, family, and neighbor. I actually hoped I would be as responsible were our positions reversed.
Her approach, in helping me define where I was “emotionally” and how I felt was, I believe, key to our continuing a rich spectrum of relationships, including over ten years (to date) as trustworthy friends and reliable colleagues.
Little snippets like this really a valuable contribution of NNICABM to the community of pastoral counselors who financial resources do not accommodate a fuller academic investment. Thanks, again.
Hey Debra, great inquiry.
From first-hand experience, I’m replying to you. A life-changing ‘tool’ for me was when my therapist taught me to sense-in to my physical sensations. This helped me get out of ‘looping’ in my mind. It doesn’t take me long, when I’m in a previously uncomfortable situation, I almost automatically check in with myself and then respond or not.
It’s improved my sleep massively as well… In the past I’d go over a situation as I was trying to sleep. Now I sense in to my system, what do I sense and where? I drift off to sleep after giving myself some time if I wasn’t able to do this in whatever situation I found myself in.
Also I had no idea that when I talked about my ‘feelings’ I was talking about my ‘thinkings’ and keeping things trapped right there in my thoughts.
This is a work in progress. I thank my therapist for guiding me through and giving me small ‘projects’ to get this going for myself.
Thanks for sharing. I especially resonate with the your reflection that without connection to real physical sensations, talking about “feelings” is more about “thinkings”.
Such a clear and effective explanation of how this works! I know it helps my clients, but I don’t think I could’ve broken it down so concisely if asked to say how and why. Thank you, Nicky!
Nicky, this was super helpful! It tied all the pieces together for me. Thanks so much.
Really useful ways to reframe, re-perceive and most importantly to open awareness and own one’s deep , probably unconscious sensations/ feelings
Thank you so much 🙏🏻