When a person experiences significant loss, it’s natural to want to offer comfort and relieve their pain.
But according to Jack Kornfield, PhD, it’s crucial not to rush past difficult emotions in the healing process. In fact, as Jack explains, it’s important to learn how to honor and acknowledge grief.
Jack reveals more in the video below, and illustrates responses that can help people express grief and begin to heal from it.
Take a look – it’s just about five minutes.
What strategies have you used in your life, or your work with patients, to deal with grief and loss? Please share your experience in the comment section below.
So beautifully stated. Thank you~
…tears are important detergent, natural soap to wash away the unwanted debris of pain, regret, and sorrow. And if the sadness is shared with an understanding soul, the ‘wash out need not last more that a few minutes….
I disagree with ‘a few minutes’. Deep sorrow can take months or up to two years to be processed.
Not necessarily in this order, but always beginning with listening:
Invitation to talk about: what is hardest for them right now; what happened to end their loved one’s life; who else knew and loved that person and shares the grief; memories that soothe; regrets that haunt; how the body feels in remembering; sense of a voice from their loved one; rituals enacted thus far or the absence of one; permission to allow grief to visit as often as it needs to.
Feeling our feelings and they way we feel about our feelings is a critical part of the grieving process. This tape heightens the importance of acceptance, expression and love (for self and others) in the time when we need it so deeply…Just being there, and creating space for our clients to feel their spectrum of their feelings is so therapeutic.
Thanks for this video. This reminds me how important for the clinicians ourselves to truly exercise loving awareness in the sessions with clients, holding and experiencing the pain of grief and loss with them, before they even are aware of their own capacity to do so. This is one essential exercise I do in my own practice.
Trusting in the capactiy of the body to heal is sadly so much not a part of our medically dominated culture. Our system is so designed toward procedures and medication. This “do something to get rid of the excrutiating pain of loss ” is all too often diagnosed and pathologised and medications get prescribed as the remedy and all the wisdom that jack Kornfeld suggests and the many rituals that cultures and ancient religions suggest are superceded by the medicalisation of the normal inevitable experiences of loss and grief which are an inevitable part of the human condition.
As a society we have far more compassion toward those who are in treatment for an ailment/pain that manifests through the physical body such as cancer and heart disease than for those whose pain manifests in the burdensome heavy painful difficult energy of pain and grief.
Holding loving connecting compassion gentle time patience are the best medicines for grief and probably for most depression too , if only we were free to see that
Helping people stay with their pain even briefly using mindfulness has helped many of my clients to move forward in healing their grief
It will be 7 years in August of this year that my youngest daughter died. In the brief time period from mishap to finding her dead in her hospital bed, I have found, as Jack Kornfield mentioned, a connection to many who have lost a loved one. One of the most helpful action I have found for myself is to let go of my boundary to Nature, asking for confirmation of my grief and help for absorbing and understanding of this circle/cycle of life. Trees especially, with their roots and connections to all trees, I believe, carry with them this pulsation of the beating knowing heart of the Earth. This predictable, constant is reliable everlasting and a reminder of the connectedness of all living things. This is a humbling, gratifying and restorative process.
The therapeutic use of touch
With a very compassionate
And sensitive soul, can create a
Safe container to release or discharge
Emotional pain trapped in the body.
And guidance with breath work at
The same time can be a powerful
Combination. Mindfulness, IMHO
Doesn’t work so well if the persons frontal lobes
Are off line due to hyper or hypo arousal.
Loving touch can release and ground.
Once on solid ground it is easier to have
“The witness” be mindful.
Is
Thank you for all of your comments, as they have been very helpful. I would like remind us to also include the population of people who are grieving “non-bereavement grief and losses.” In addition to physical death, there are many who are experiencing devastating emotional pain due to situations where no one has died, and the same symptoms and stages of grief usually apply. The following are examples: children and families of children in foster care, natural disasters, divorce, serious and persistent mental illness, Alzheimer’s, etc. Often, it is even a more difficult healing process, as a result of the fact that no one has died and the loss isn’t recognized culturally. No one sends flowers, cards, organizes a meal sign-up list, no memorial service or ceremonial gathering of support. People often feel even more isolated and disconnected, left wondering what’s wrong with them.
I’m really glad you mention “non-bereavement” grief. I’m not a therapist but someone who has recently gone through a lot of complicated losses (a mental illness diagnosis, losing a home, losing employment, all bound up with losing a relationship very suddenly). Luckily, I have caring friends around me, but they did not necessarily see I was grieving, At first I felt the need to hurry up getting back on my feet – surely I should be looking forward? I felt very isolated. Fortunately, I found an excellent therapist who helped me find the space I needed to honour my own grief. I realised I needed time to accept I was grieving for a lost future, and that even if it wasn’t a culturally recognised loss, it was still real and important to me. The experience has really opened my eyes to other forms of grief and loss that are hidden. Honouring my own grief helped me enormously, because I realised it was ok to let in these strong feelings and that they would not stay forever. That gave me the courage to talk to my friends about how I felt, and to ask for the support I needed.
Adele yes I think a book should be written on that. My own children went through that a divoirce situation and their father couldn’t see them due to the fact he would t do a drug test. So a walking corpse he was. Even familities with incarcerated members.
I must say, that in a most basic way, one of the best ways I have found to deal with the losses is to just ‘listen to Jack Kornfield’, even for a few minutes, again and again and again and again… because the ‘duo’ of human vulnerability and the innate capacity to heal, ring true so clearly and re-set the system….beautifully. There is no judgement for the also innate capacity/need to let the system be ‘re-set’…. to discover once again that growing is also ‘re-growing.’
One tool that I use for those in transition, and grieving the loss of a loved one’s capacity ( through dementia) – is a kundalini mantra and mudra action. Sa Ta Na Ma. This means, birth, life, death and re-birth. I often translate it as; Beginning, Middle, End, New Beginning or Transformation. The words, and neurological finger connections help different parts of the brain and is self soothing to the bodymind.
I also incorporate Psychodrama to assist in retelling the past, present and future from the client (protagonist) perspective. This ‘action narrative’ embodies the grief, the resources and the relationship.
Writing letters to the deceased is helpful. Taking walks in nature and talking to them, asking them to show you signs that they are still with you. Sitting quietly and feeling gratitude for the time spent together and what was learned throughout the time together. If the person had been ill, picture the peace they now have and the fact that all pain and suffering is now gone.
Thank you! And concerning your question, as a psychologist i am a great fan of letting my clients write letters. Two examples:
1. The client writes to the one he/she lost AND he/she writes response back to self. A client who had a late miscarriage felt an enormous relief when she wrote a letter to her child mourning its death and then to write back to herself as the lost child.
2. A goodbye letter in more complicated relationships can also help. The goodbye letter has a real structure and may take many weeks of writing, the client may take the letter back and forth to the sessions to read bits and pieces out loud (very important, the letter has to have a VOICE that is being heard).
The structure is as follows:
i. What have you recieved from the lost person (sometimes the only thing a client can come up with is: life).
ii. What have you missed
iii. What will you take with you in your life
iv. What will you leave behind
v. What will you pass on to the future, your children, pupils, students, clients.
After reading the whole thing out loud, perhaps imaging the lost person in a chair across the room listening, a ritual to dispose of the letter, burning, sticking it in the grave, throwing it in the sea, making boats of it and letting it flow downstream – may take years to accomplish that last task.
Best wishes, otteline
When the World bears upon me, I am poor to reflect reason.
Sensing my grief as the flow of being, in and of this World, allows me no solace but affords meaning and becomes a touchstone of possibilities when I own the experience.
When the World bears upon me, I am poor to reflect reason.
Sensing my grief as the flow of being, in and of this World, allows me no solace but affords meaning and forms a touchstone of possibilities when I own the experience.
Surrendering to grief has made the transition through it more peaceful. Prayerfulness works, like meditation.
The faith of being connected to a source greater than one’s self often helps with acceptance following loss. Many people do not have that level of faith
Many people do not have a mindful practice.
Grief asks for a companion. A therapist might be that companion.
Without a practice, without strong faith, it is difficult to accept the loss of anything held dear.
If a person is struggling with acceptance, I often ask what is acceptable about the loss? They will usually say “NOTHING.” That, actually is a start. It is often an energetic response, and that energy is important.
What usually is the greatest loss is the loss of self.
We tend to attach to that which we have. We attach to the person we know and love. We feel a part of, and after the loss, apart from.
I bring the question back to holding one’s self in honor and love.
thank you for this short video…..it was a great reminder of the many possibilities…to deal with loss and grief…and the other comments are wonderful / helpful as well.
I use the book Tear Soup to help clients realize that their recipe for tear soup or grieving is just fine, everyone grieves differently and that is OK. I also ask them to tell me about the person, what they loved, what was the favorite thing they did with that person, what were some of the important things they learned from that person, etc. I make them feel safe to grieve however they want with me.
Like Jack Kornfield, I encourage my clients to honor and respect their grief in the same way they loved and honored their deceased loved one. I normalize the grieving process for those who say, “I think I[‘m going crazy; nothing makes sense to me anymore without her/him.” Family members, friends, work colleagues will often ask “How are you doing?” but when the bereaved person tells the truth a month or more out from the loss they are looked at disapprovingly or asked “Aren’t you over that yet?” Our culture doesn’t give permission for the person to have however long they need to metabolize the loss and find their way forward with their life without the loved one. I spend much of the time being supportive, listening to where the client is this week and reassuring them that this grief will last as long as it needs to, but not forever.
Jack is wonderfully clear in giving suggestions for helping others and the reasons the suggestions may work. I also appreciate that he gives several different options or areas to focus on.
I appreciated Jack’s comment about a client being “half done” when clients are asking if this feeling of grief will ever end.
With children experiencing grief, I like to suggest they write a letter or draw a picture and send it up to the loved one via helium balloon.
Thank you to Ruth and Jack!
1. express feelings by writing a letter1. to the loved one2 2.GD 3.to oneself. Grieving is a process.
2. readings the Psalms 0f David and connecting to GD’S LOVE is healing.
3,Listening to sad music helps to release the sad emotions as does watching sad movies.
4.loving and be kind to oneself ie: taking a soothing bath, walking or sitting in nature
5.avoid people who have no compassion or understanding—-many of them can’t or don’t want
to face the pain of their own grief or they just are not compassionate. Whatever the reason,
it does not matter, harbour no animosity to them accept them and do my job of taking care
of myself.
6,allow self to RECEIVE compassion.
7,since emotions affect us physically ie: the energy of grief affects the lungs and heart; I find massage
and acupuncture helpful in releasing the energy from the body and thus prevents physical illness.
Beautiful expression about Acceptance, Defusion, and Connection. Thank you for sharing this moment of reflection
So true. Thank you-
The technique which has helped me most in working with people who are grieving has been Holograhic Memory Resolution, developed by Brent Baum. HMR uses mind, body, color therapy. It helps by inducing an “Alpha-Theta” brainwave state that enhances sensory access to memory while grounding the client’s central nervous system. I have found that much of grief is about regret. HMR supports clients as they “reframe” that regret into peaceful memories.
Opening the front door and welcoming GRIEF inside… with a warm smile and a comforting hug, can offer a comforting place to be when it feels like nothing makes sense in the world….
being compassionate, both towards myself and my clients, has consistently been the most honorable, powerful and gentle way through it all…
thanks Ruth and Jack!
Thanks Eleanor, perfectly said.
so often I hear “I thought I was over it,” as if the person feels they are somehow deficient/should be ashamed, to find themselves grieving again long after the loss of someone- thankyou for this, which confirms acknowledging and honouring it however, whenever, it resonates.
Many people I have worked with were unable to verbalize their grief. Art-making was the only way they could express their pain and strong emotions to aid in the healing process. In the last ten to fifteen minutes of any session I implement Energy Meridian tapping with a deep breathing technique to help patients to relax before they leave. Between sessions patients practice Mindfulness and Relaxation Tapping to help them to cope with daily life.
Getting the heart to feel what the intellect knows is the hardest part.
Learning to sit with clients who are grieving is a great gift we can give them. Often, well meaning friends and relatives will try to help “fix” the problem, but what the person who is experiencing the loss may need most is someone to bear witness to their grief and need to talk about it. Grief and loss groups can be instrumental in the healing, to know that we are not alone and to feel hope that we will feel better.
I facilitate bereavement support writing groups, and use writing as an expressive tool because I have found it to be a powerful ally on the journey of grieving, in my own life and in the lives of my clients. Writing about our experiences and naming our feelings advances our cognitive understanding and simultaneously allows us to touch down into emotions in a safe way. Then, when we read our passages to one another, we understand that we are not alone, but are on a path traveled by many; we are held by, and connected to, a web of caring hearts who understand our pain.
My patient who has anger toward a loved one who died
often had wished to be free of the person.. The anger was so prominent; the constant disappointment in the person for their loved one’soutbursts followed by their apology and cycle of regret which regularly occurred. The loved deceased partner had been so draining. What are others’ ideas and comments.
I agree about encouraging the person to feel his sorrow but to also to remember the joys, the wondeful memories of their times together. Also remind them that if the loved one has suffered a great deal from cancer or other long term illness to feel the thankfulness fo being with the loved one through this. To me it is a great and loving honor to go through the dying process with someone even if it is just sitting and being in their precense.
I am not a therapist, but I am getting a lot out of these webcasts and I think it helps me better understand how my therapist is trying to help me.
I was struck today about him talking about embracing the community of grief. When you suffer a great loss, it makes you want to pull inward and isolate yourself. And when the funeral is over and everyone has gone back to their own busy lives, you do feel very alone.
Joining a grief group was very helpful to me. If i had not had a friend who was also grieving, I probably would not have gone on my own. Even when I sat there saying and sharing nothing, hearing others express what I was feeling helped me connect with others. They understood my silence. And I could grasp on to the hope that I would get through it all.
I appreciate the teaching that the psyche has an innate healing capacity just as the body does. That the grief is trustworthy and can guide us to its resolution. It can be hard to make room for seemingly bottomless sorrow — to trust that it can be held in awareness. Thank you for this offering.
How you react to death and dying tells you a lot about how you face the unknown and things that seem beyond your control. Hypnosis evokes honoring self talk and respect for yourself and those in witness of this sacred journey. Hypnotherapist and Hospice nurse Lisa Sigsworth has written a jewel of a book on this subject “Crossing Over:Your Guide to Dying With Grace” I highly recommend it. Having helped many myself consider this idea to tell the departing “As you make your amazing transition from this life to the next phase, imagine YOU- your SELF- doing it willingly, joyfully and with serenity… all is well.”
My own personal loss 10 months ago has overwhelmed me. My bereavement training didn’t touch the enormous pain I have been experiencing. Connecting to others has been the thing that has gotten me through this awful year. I honor the grief, allow the tears and feel my loved one deep in my heart. My spiritual beliefs have certainly been a strength for me and the loss has deepened my faith in the afterlife as well as my compassion for others going through the grieving process. There is no easy way out, only through and I am seeing light at the end of this dark grief tunnel. Now I am working on meaning and ways to honor my daughters memory. I accept that grief is a lifelong process but that I do not need to stay stuck in that tunnel. Thank you Dr. Kornfield.
My patient’s 6 year old son was killed when a car hit him at a family reunion 19 years ago. That grief has remained fresh for her. I have sat with her in that grief for three years. Whatever she wants to do- sometimes we talk about cooking and recipes. More often we talk about her rich network of family and friends. She deflects any introspection. But she dreams and her son Jerald is always part of her dream life. Yesterday she brought a dream. her children. “The children were all playing in the creek.” The children included her grandchildren and their Daddies- all playing together, along with my pt and Other Mother who was her ex-husband’s grandmother and would get in the creek with the children in her late eighties. I would like to say the that I uttered the perfect interpretation here but the affect was strong and she shared it with me. At least I know not to get out too far ahead of a mother’s grief.
I am noticing over and over that not only in myself but in the people I work with, anger is always a mask over sadness which is almost always connected to grief. The tricky part is cutting through that anger until we hit the sadness. I find always that the anger and sadness result from the same root cause/story. And people, including myself, all have their own sometimes unconscious ways of getting through the entanglement with a little guidance that reminds them of connectedness to the rest of the world.
Listening to your thoughts and learning about mindfulness … thank you.
I have written a grief journal, Journaling Through Loss to Transformation, that offers guided questions to help people that are struggling with grief to work through the process of loss. The questions allow the person that is struggling with grief to delve more deeply to find the stories that have the power to heal-
Feeling the emotion and not getting stuck. It gives the therapist a tool to work with the patient and help contain and discuss the emotions emerging.
I have recently had a great loss. I want to help myself and others so I was wondering if you could please share your questions.
Using ACT, encouraging people to simply watch their emotions, no matter how painful as they pass over, without trying to stop, diminish, talk or wish them away. I and my clients have found such relief, since they do pass over and no longer threaten when they come round again. Simply letting them be has the paradoxical effect of resolving them.
I find that people need to be listened to. Not trying to fix the pain for them but to be able to hold the space that is safe for them to share their feelings. I have been a hospice nurse for 40 years and I agree that our body has the ability to heal. Thank you for this vignette. You provide a great service to our human community.
Warm wishes,
Sue
Thank you I love the expressiion of grief as a heavy laden rain cloud that needs to empty ! Thank you
Right on — Feel it to Heal it!
I have used art therapy with patients who have had a spouse die to stay with the grief and allow its expression through art done between sessions and then associate verbally and emotionally to this art produced while in session. I suggest doing the art at home, while in the lowest point which might seem intolerable and using color primarily rather than form to find a voice for those feelings. This has seemed to help patients hold their grief as an object and then bring that object/ artwork into session to share with the therapist in a an interpersonal relational way. This seems to help to move towards that experience of it being a shared experience with others.
I’ve found grief – just feeling grief – a powerful healer. I’ve found it softens things, changes things. Creativity flows.
I appreciate what Dr. Kornfield said about honoring your grief. He refers to Buddhist psychology, I am as a Christian and as a former missionary in Thailand well versed in what Buddhism teaches. I have found to face reality is easier because of the fact that Jesus suffers with us, and that He is always with us. The apostle Paul says [1 Cor. 11:24-27], “Five times I have received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I have been beaten with rods; once I was stoned. Three times I have been shipwrecked; a night and a day I have been adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brethren; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure”.
To experience this Presence physically has been such a help in my life and in the lives of those who came for help. Even non-christians were blessed by the experience that there is someone bigger than themselves, present in the counseling talk, without using this as a way to force anything on them.
Thanks.