“I’m not as good as I should be.”
It’s a common refrain from many of our patients.
Helping them trade self-judgment for self-compassion is an essential first step in creating real change.
Watch below as Tara Brach, PhD, talks about what needs to be in place before we can become truly free and open
to changing ourselves.
Breaking out of a long-held cycle of self-judgment can be difficult – but it isn’t impossible.
How has compassion played a role either in your own life or in your work with patients? Please share a comment with us below.
Bringing self-compassion into the forefront of my thinking allows me breathing room to see that there’s nothing wrong with the way things are in that moment. Then I can begin to see clearly how there’s resistance to what is so that has me in a judgment mode to begin with. The joy of bringing compassion to myself for simply being human is a wondrous experience in that moment and I can begin anew with respect to whatever is occurring in the moment!
Give me hope that some people will be willing to offer compassion.and not just listen but hear the client
Great thnx ?
After attending a course on mindfulness and compassion I have practiced this on many occasions. Accepting myself as I am ‘warts and all‘ has given me an enormous sense of relief. I regularly tell myself I am ok, I am enough. I recognised I had a need to strive for perfection and this made me feel constantly pressured. I tried too hard to be the person I thought other people wanted me to be. I now try to appreciate that I am human and imperfect and that’s ok. Letting go of judgement is hard, both of myself and others and I still have to work on this.
I was anorexic as a child and through my 20s then after the birth of my second child I gave up anorexia and my body just doesn’t know how to work with food so I can only eat once a day and I’m still chunky besides that after being shot and home invasion year long, two years no walking I was shot all over my body I have 5 foot long scars missing organs missing bones mostly my issue is after six years now I still can’t look in the mirror because when I do I do not see the person that is the picture in my head I also can’t look at my scars my doctor told me in the beginning that that is not a good thing but I can already feel them why should I look at how massively daunting they are because of the size I know they’re there I don’t want to look at them but how do I except myself and do Cheryl time when I have never Had a Cheryl time I don’t know where to begin to work or do things for myself I always do for others in my family I know I need to treat myself I can’t do it I also just wanna be comfortable in my own skin as it’s changed
Tara Brach’s books really help with accepting life as it presents us with. And I’ve also tried the Chris Germer self compassion break. These are just small steps to not claw at yourself and dig holes for yourself because as Tara says we are loving-kindness that is our essence and you deserve to feel good
Don’t forget it’s not so much about changing yourself but more about accepting who you are right now. That is what leads to change — all on its own. it’s miraculous. I keep reminding myself to simply ‘feel’ what’s going on right now. that helps me tune into my body and what I’m doing, what I’m sensing right now. it’s amazing
I love this…
We can’t judge and create at the same time….
I have a 10th degree black belt in kicking my own butt. I don’t see nor do I accept comments made to me which are positive about me. This is a practice I really need to embrace.
I have witnessed that we as humans are afraid to not be afraid. I love that we are recognizing this about ourselves and not as something we observe in clients! One of the keys to evolving is understanding the global human patterns as they occur in ourselves. Thank you.
Sheelah Sodhi
I’ve been working here on my next round of lertets! 🙂 I’ve finished all of my friend cards, and written a couple of my children’s lertets. Hopefully by the end of this crazy Christmas week I’ll be finished with the other two and get them in the mail. 😀
Self judgement is the “Guardian/protector” reprimanding us for our imagined “mistakes”; warning us of possible future “mistakes”. S/he tries to make us “perfect” so that Mommy/Daddy won’t be angry or disappointed or maybe, physically/emotionally abusive. When we can stop attacking ourselves for imagined failures then we will have the courage, the confidence, to explore the unknown and experiment with “change”. I have seen this happen with patients and with myself.
Thanks for sharing!
To be able to alter the ownself become better, we have to know the potency which we own, Potency which are positive which must be developed, of course by the basis for knowledge supporting. by self-compassion, enabling us can develop the compassion to others.
I found that by using Muscle reflex/response testing (Applied Kinesiology in its broadest sense) and mindfulness. With extensive self-training, mindfulness becomes automatic and the integration between the neocortex and brainstem becomes far stronger. I could ask my brain how it differs from others. I used it to track down where in the brain, which centers were different. I got to the “why” part by learning how each center was connected to others, asking if that connection differed from other people’s brains. At some early point in this tracking, I would always ask “when?” because that answer would trigger the brain finding connections to other memories. These are the unconscious memories where senses were stored, the kind of things we do not tend to recall when asked to speak about these memories–the things that are pretty much irrelevant to anyone listening, but clearly relevant to how the brainstem works to prepare us physiologically for a response.
In doing this tracking, I could remain very distant from past traumatic memories and thus removed from being judgmental. I could ask what needs to be done to make those connections that were broken or missing, and then carry them out, either by the brain reliving memories while I slept, replacing terrible people with good people. This changes the outcome so that some degree of satisfaction with that interaction occurs. I found that this satisfaction is necessary. It often needed to occur a lot of times before it triggered the brain to create centers that were missing in me or repair ones that were damaged. I could gain compassion for myself because I realized how trauma had damaged my brain. I could gain feelings of power by repairing them.
Once I began to accept my imperfections and feel self compassion for myself I could feel genuine compassion for others.
As and when I remember to have compassion for myself I can have greater compassion for others and tolerance of their weaknesses aiding me to help them from their traps
absolutely… I believe that our mind’s judgement is a necessary survival process even in judging our own actions (never Self), driven by emotion to promote action to keep us on our toes. By separating ourSELF from our mind we have the awareness capacity to assess (observe, reflect and choose) what is helpful and what is not… and because we also KNOW that the judgement is never about our SELF (we cannot better our SELF, it is OK all the time) we can choose to change our behaviour to better our experience of living.
while our minds mind us, we can manage our mind
iMind pychology for living
November 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm Tug of War by Carly Rae Jepsen. . You seem too good. Too good to be true. You’re. Holding me stronger. Stronger. Than I’m used to. . Don’t go out. With the boys thnigot. I won’t sleep a wink. Wondering. What you’re doing. Don’t go out. With the girls thnigot. I will turn to drink. Wondering. Who you’re screwing. . You seem too good. Too good to be true. I’m loving you longer. Longer. That I’m used to. . Don’t go out. With the boys thnigot. I won’t sleep a wink. Wondering. What you’re doing. Don’t go out. With the girls thnigot. I will turn to drink. Wondering. Who you’re screwing. . Tug of war. Sweet as sin. I let go. I fell in. Feel the pull. Call your name. I’m alone. Once again. . Tug of war. Sweet as sin. I let go. I fell in. Feel the pull. Call your name. I’m alone. Once again. . You seem too. You seem too good. Too good to be true. You’re. Holding me stronger. Stronger. Than I’m used to. . Don’t go out. With the boys thnigot. I won’t sleep a wink. Wondering. What you’re doing. Don’t go out. With the girls thnigot. I will turn to drink. Wondering. Who you’re screwing. . Tug of war. Sweet as sin. I let go. I fell in. Feel the pull. Call your name. I’m alone. Once again. . Tug of war. Sweet as sin. I let go. I fell in. Feel the pull. Call your name. I’m alone. Once again. . Tug of war. Feel the pull. Tug of war. Feel the pull
Having experienced a fairly broad spectrum of psychological states (from delusional to ecstatic) has made me quite quaky to trust that my self-regulation will remain. That internal judge has more than once saved my life with: *Okay now, that’s going to create far too much controversy, don’t go there*. And that judge had been 100% accurate very often. Do you want to make friends and influence people…or cause so much turmoil that you create a wide wake around you?
Compassion can be a double edged sword, sometime I want more for them, clients, than they can conceive for themselves and watching them inflict mental, emotional pain on themselves when there is usually a very doable, solution is demoralizing and at times I wonder why I keep trying, I’ve been working with people for 30 years, and in hindsight I know it mattered to some of them. Phil
Hi Phil, sounds like it is more about self-compassion. Sometimes we can’t always be effective in how we want it to work out or in the results we have with our clients. So patience with yourself and loving yourself for caring.
That is so true I have read Tara s book and in my old age am slowly moving to less self judgement more kind acceptance and that gives my old life new life thanks thanks
I read your blog regularly (although sorry I don’t comnemt more); however I followed the link on facebook to read the compassion blog post before I realised you wrote it!Thanks for the information and for the encouragement through your blog to write to our sponsored children.
For a while we get to act like Earthlings. Here, on Earth, we notice where we are – an’ that it, and our history, are extremely old and big – huge. Our chance to control what goes on and what happened before and what will happen next needs some extra precise motions. We may have some humble moments here. Before we start to decide our plan, we’d best pause, assess the scene, and figure out our priorities. If we stay the course at this phase and we know our job is to “just notice what occurs,” – to simply observe – and journal so we can set our priorities a little more clearly before we fall to sleep tonight . . . so we know where to pick up on our ‘To Do’ list – ? – in the morning? – the next time we ignore the Epic Siduri.
its so important to be kind to myself… Forgive myself. .. believe in myself…otherwise I run around not really connecting to others – not really accepting or enjoying them, either. I tend to want to fix everything for everybody. But when I am kind to myself- I believe in myself and others more- I can enjoy them more-
Not worry about them – not try to to fix things..and they work out better!
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While this concept isn’t really new, it surely needs to go viral. Thank you!
I echo Tara’s point about understanding that the Critical Voice really wanting what is best for us – to in some way be a better person or make more responsible choices or show up in ways that are more aligned with who we want to be. When I have clients come into a “friendly relationship” to their critical voice – seeing it for what it is, and listening deeply to what it really wants, we discover that there is no part of us that wants to “do us harm” – that we are at a deep level aligned with the underlying intention of our own critical voice. There can be a conversation with “the voice” – Thanking it for it’s intention (for our own betterment) and then offering it more friendly and creative ways to achieve what it wants, rather than the critical nagging approach. The fear of letting go of judgement can be ameliorated by asking the Critical Voice, “If there was a better or “just as good” way to achieve what you want, would you be interested in knowing what that is?” I also have found it useful for clients to identify the voice (my mother’s voice, my father’s voice) so that they can get that this “recording” is not really even themselves. This creates space around the voice.
OMG, where shall I start. Compassion changed my relationship with my parents. Seeing them as humans instead of demi-gods. With my husband; I didn’t care to win an argument if I saw him suffering, and of course with myself visualizing tenderness as a feather. With my child I went overboard with compassion, not seeing enough the wisdom of boundaries and responsibility. Now, I’m working on integrating the grownup and the child in me.
I recently completed all the hours and paperwork to move toward what I went to school to do. The response was very discouraging. After sitting with the discomfort I felt for a while, a statement I heard once crossed my mind. There are some things worth missing out on. I was able to let go. And then realized that in truth what I thought I wanted would actually cost me more money than submitting my application. I was able to be more compassionate once I just let go. And in this I saw a new freedom and re-evaluated what I truly want. I was able to let the waste of the money spent as a tool helping me to see what I don t really want. And helped me to view this person who I saw as all powerful being nitpicking things apart with no regard for me as an unhappy person who in truth just needs to be addressed in a different manner. The same accepting manner I found for myself. And the only way I could do this is to have compassion for myself.
This is such an interesting approach to self judgment. I never thought of it as helping or trying to help oneself. In my most self judging clients, it is seen as something really negative that they are doing to themselves. This new approach is reframing self judgment and could be an “aha” thought!
Thank you Tara, Holley
Self-compassion has become my primary practice, and it has saved and transformed my life.
To break out I’ve needed to figure out how I learned to criticize myself and to replace the harsh messages with positive reflections and reminders of myself. I also make sure I have plenty of rest when the critical voices appear.
Thank you, Tara and Ruth; Self-compassion heals negativity and allows a health emotional balance in my daily functioning.
Yes. The struggling and striving does not work. Compassion opens the door.
Compassion has opened the door for the Empath to work, and to realistically understand other’s issues, fear, self judgment and reproach, even self loathing. All thoughts (even fears and rationalizations?) have value and are valid, but we must see where over-reaction and distorted thinking come into play. Compassion gives me the tools to promote self-love and acceptance, allowing others to assign themselves value, so that they are worth it, and worthy of positive change!
i’ve been talking to my group therapy patients a lot about self compassion lately, as well as the patients I see individually. I think it is a great and even revolutionary concept in our competitive, narcissist–promoting society where people are constantly made to feel not good enough. I feel it is a much more useful concept than self-esteem which studies now show is not something that can be developed easily later in life and is not necessarily even all that desirable a trait, Nor is it a prerequisite for a good and meaningful life, contrary to popular opinion. By contrast, self acceptance and self compassion are learnable behaviours and constitute important foundations to a life worth living.
Self-compassion… a work in progress. Sometimes, difficult to connect with. Listening to Tara helps enormously. Thank you Tara, as always.
I find that with clients, what triggers the most self-compassion is when they finally understand that conditioning early in their lives, e.g. attachment deficits, trauma, etc, when they didn’t have much of a choice about what happened to them, has a great impact on how they are today and that it wasn’t their fault.
Thank you, Ruth and Tara, for such valuable support.
I started learning about self compassion at the lowest point in my life, where i felt it was just me and The Divine; i realized that only when i have become my best friend can i trully offer something sustainable and valuable to others. There is so much comfort in letting go and telling yourself ” i will be there for you no matter what. I love you. All will be fine”.
During a very scarry moment of my life, where nothing worked- none of the techniques i had learned- the only thing i could think of was telling myself 50-60 times “I love you.” It works wonders.
Self compassion does not mean you let go of your dreams or your aim for excellence. It just means you treat yourself kindly on the way; it means treating yourself as you would your best friend or your child.
It has definitely helped me give a much more powerful dimension in the support i offer my clients, my friends, my children.
There is much need in the world for Tara ‘s message. Only light can replace darkness. Only love can heal the fear.
I’ve found self-compassion is not only the first and necessary way to feel true compassion to other people. It’s also the way to heal ourselves, accepting that we don´t need to be perfect to derserve love, recognizing our suffering, accepting it, givig up of any kind of fighitng with our imperfections.
Teaching compassion and self-compassion is one of the most valuables attitudes that I’ve ever taught.
I discovered self compassion when I was at a very dark place in my life and I found it through a video from Tara Brach about 5 years ago. And it has changed my life in that along with being more compassionate, caring, understanding, forgiving and accepting of myself it has helped me to extend those qualities outward and connect in a more intimate way with people that cross my path in life. Self compassion is probably one of the most important qualities and practices that we could include in our daily practice. it is something I share with people every chance I get. Thank you Tara Brach.