Childhood neglect is one of the more insidious forms of trauma that a client might experience.
Not only that, but it can have a unique impact on brain development that researchers don’t often see with other types of trauma.
So in the video below, Bessel van der Kolk, MD will get into one specific neurobiological consequence of neglect and share how you might approach it with your client.
Have a look.
Because we have the brains that we need in order to survive. And so if you are a neglected person, you develop a brain that can accommodate neglect and doesn’t expect to get more than you actually would like to get.
And there’s this huge issue that I think doesn’t get talked about much in our field, it’s the issue of critical periods of brain development. And that if you don’t get the right input at the right time, you may not develop that brain capacity. So if you were an ignored child, that capacity to feel people taking pleasure in you, or you taking pleasure in other people, may just have not been developed very well.
An important part of our development is, and since I have a bunch of grandchildren, I’m in the wonderful position to actually notice this, that you get a sense of pleasure out of being seen, out of showing things off. When I see my grandchildren, they show me stuff for about three minutes, and they go off and do something else. “Look what I did. Look what I can do. Look how I can dance.” The pleasure centers of your brain get developed by people taking pleasure in you. And if nobody takes pleasure in you, I think these systems don’t get developed.
But what you see clinically is there is a lack of vitality and a lack of pleasure in your interactions. So we do get a sense of pleasure from having other people be engaged with us and other people responding to us. And so if nobody responds, that sense of vitality and pleasures tends to not be very well-developed. And I don’t think in our traditional methods, we really know very much about how to deal with that. Talking, analyzing, figuring things out is not going to make those feelings go away.
I think the important thing as a clinician is to lower your expectations and to deal with your countertransference with people who are relatively passive and relatively unable to get a lot of pleasure out of engagement with other people. So I think the burden is on the therapist to be very patient and to concentrate on increasing the vitality of your interactions.
In principle, I think things that might be helpful are dancing and making music with people and being physically engaged with other people. So you get into the habit of getting the pleasure of engagement with other people.
To hear more from Bessel on working with the enduring impact of neglect and other forms of trauma, sign up for Mastering the Treatment of Trauma.
You’ll also get expert insights from Judith Herman, MD; Dick Schwartz, PhD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Karlen Lyons-Ruth, PhD; Eboni Webb, PsyD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Martin Teicher, MD, PhD; and more. Just sign up here.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What strategies do you find most effective when working with clients who experienced childhood neglect? Let us know in the comments below.
I just love Bessel van der Kolk!
Thanks for sharing. I also have grandchildren AND great-grandkids. They are fascinating and wonderful and need so much pleasurable attention… such as I see you, Let us dance, sing, make pictures, running and jumping, and trying new fun foods!
Pam Chubbuck, PhD
This has been very helpful. Because I have clients who are genuinely very disappointed that I don’t feel flattered when they tell me how much they love what I do for them. I don’t feel that I own that. I always tell them well that’s how you feel and I’m happy to hear but it really isn’t my doing. And then they correct me and say it’s totally my doing because they wouldn’t have felt that way had I not done such a great job. Then I find it very difficult to own the fact that I did a great job that made people happy. I feel it very difficult to receive prayers and compliments and I find it very difficult to take ownership of positive things I have created for others. I sometimes feel like there’s some part of me missing or that doesn’t work well in acknowledging other peoples positive compliments and validation of me… And what he says here seems to cover that in an angle that I had never known existed before.
Typo – *praise* and compliments
Simply smart easy to follow good summary good advice to therapists
Hey I am a Rosen Method bodyworker. It has been very helpful to be more clear about the differencies in abusiv trauma and trauma after neglect.
When I put my hands on a person, I have to be very attentive to bounderies, when it is a client who suffer from abuse. When it is about neglect I am more aware of being very stabil in my contact. And work with all the teams coming up when I offer my present and attuned attention. It could be about not being worth it, not knowing how to stay present, not knowing how to receive touch and caring attention.
For me the Rosen method has been the best thing in my life.
It works very deeply, because we use this speciel touch and intonation of our voice. We can work with preverbal issues in the autonomic nervous system.
Thanks for all your very helpful informations
using terms
“ I hear you saying . . …..” or “ I see that you are . . ……”
An interesting but limited analysis of the effects on the subject of a lack of engagement. I have noticed that such a history can also result in an over attachment to the analytical process. This results in intense encounters where the subject quickly loses interest if the range of concepts involved are too general.
yes to tango dancing — or chakra dancing or any kind of dance that engages your body heart and soul. i also find intuitive Painting drawing and forest bathing are also excellent remedies for adult nervous systems traumatized by childhood neglect. oh — don’t forget our four legged friends, i find some of my best “grief therapists” have been my beautiful feline family members.
patience and listening with heartfeld compassion, playful artwork if possible
Dr van der Kolk’s ability to say simply and understandably deep significant truths about the human condition and how to improve it for individual clients, as well as to observe and then effectively theorize those observations into helpful units for the therapists learning is invaluable. He doesn’t promise a quick response but a sure one. Thanks so much for providing this video.
Central to my way of working is delighting in and even loving my clients. So often this triggers shame in those who have experienced neglect, as being seen becomes something that they find very hard or even impossible to tolerate. I work with shame using humour and psychoeducation sot hat the client’s Adult is able to care for their Child (TA).
What I am present to in reading this is that it feels like the point is not big enough; that the person who’s been neglected feels like no one cares to listen, that they don’t matter! The pleasure of the interaction comes from feeling like they DO MATTER TO THEIR THERAPIST. Which is completely missing! And that is why they are what you call “passive”
It’s the person actually being heard and reflected in a way that they feel like they were important enough for the listener to pay enough energy and care and attention to say a response that connects with them and what they just said. It’s basically “JUST” active listening. But when it’s so missing it can feel like a gallon of water in the desert.
Molly Ann, you are exactly right. I am a childhood emotional neglect adult survivor. Only the therapist has the knowledge to make me feel SEEN, feel HEARD, and felt LISTENED TO. When people just start listening, we actually feel SEEN and HEARD. By reflecting what we say back to us. But everyone else on the planet has no capacity to do that. They are planning on how to respond, with “should” and “ could” statements, instead. Just listening— actively listening are no longer valued current day skills.
Curious that if the sensation of pleasure or engagement was not developed in the critical period due to neglect by both parents, and where I agree that pleasure and engagement is more difficult to experience later in life, can such development experiences mentioned in the video, e.g., creating music with others (something I have done as a flutist), “tango dancing” or other similar feeling of joy felt as an adult? I agree it’s necessary to develop these sensations of joy, not only for enjoyment, but for connection. That said, I wonder if a ‘gap’ in fully experiencing that joy continues throughout a lifetime because the window was closed in the critical period. I have personal experience with this and find the research interesting.
Hello Dana,
I am a C-PTSD wannabe survivor. I can’t sit still long enough to do anything fun, like my adult coloring book. I see myself not feeling worthy of having fun. I’m more concerned about listening for any potential threat of danger, AND that I’m unworthy of partaking in fun. I hate that about my life. I watch, I read about other people enjoying life, through traveling, adventurous experiences, while I sit home cleaning up my clutter, trapped inside my home. Life sucks for us C-PTSD survivors!
My adult daughter is a millennial, and does not understand what I endured to overcome for her to have a better life! She chooses to focus on the ONE THING that I did wrong instead of the 99 THINGS that I did RIGHT! She’s on the estrangement path now. Cutting ties with her mom, who protected her immensely when she was a vulnerable young child. (She’s her father’s daughter, indeed). A narcissist personality.
I totally ‘get’ what you are saying. I am a trauma therapist and often choose to work with colour and sound. I find this some how unlocks places in the brain .. and body, where words alone cannot reach. It seems to ‘soften’ the space. It requires the utmost patience and I watch as my clients awareness seems to expand in relation to their environment. It often begins to take on a life of its own as I observe the change in their sense of inclusiveness and witnessing. Working 1:1 often gradually transforms into small group work and/or moving into other group experiences and alternative sensual experiences.
I agree with tango, Argentine tango at least, being a great brain retraining exercise (some have said it is falling in love for 5 minutes). Any other partner dancing where two people have to be very aware of each other to make it work can also be bennificial. And as others have mentioned, the importance of play in general, learning co-regulation, and learning to nourish oneself, are very important to developing the needed skills for meaningful connection with others, and with one’s self.
Thank you, NICABM! This is such an important aspect of healing trauma and I am glad that Dr. van der Kolk is speaking to it.
I live with C-PTSD and am a life coach focusing on stress resilience training and from personal experience, while I didn’t use Tango as he mentions, I used changing how I nurture myself with food: learning how to create food dishes I love to eat… it spoke to my inner experience of what was missing, tolerating mistakes, exploring who I am authentically and being able to satiate myself.
Yes Lee, I hear you. I find it so interesting to be supporting others and experiencing the subtle healing that takes place within me. It feels like a deeply enabling process. X
Thank you, NICABM! This is such an important aspect of healing trauma and I am glad that Dr. van der Kolk is speaking to it.
I live with C-PTSD and am a life coach focusing on stress resilience training and from personal experience, while I didn’t use Tango as he mentions, I used changing how I nurture myself with food: learning how to create food dishes I love to eat… it spoke to my inner experience of what was missing, tolerating mistakes, exploring who I am authentically and being able to feed myself.
Opps! Made a mistake. Please remove this 1st post and keep the one above. Sorry. Thanks, Lee Shane
I love him. I love nicabm for making these types of advice, information, and education possible. I think I practice something I have learned from you guys daily in my sessions with my clients.
Dr, Wendy Mincer
For myself, musical engagement was my main key. We sang at Bible school and church several times per week and later in chorus at school. I mimicked being in the marching band as a preschooler and later I played an instrument and marched in a marching band for ten years. I honestly say I couldn’t have made it through college without those two avenues of “belongingness”.
Yes!! Connection is the key!! Thank you 🙂
Yes and thank you – and it can take a long time to really integrate this.
This is such a poignant explication of ´neglect’ which is so well hidden and difficult to identify. Beautifully summarised in people taking pleasure in you (responding/engaging) as a critical aspect of vitality.
Thank you.
Having fun – is what leaps out at me. Full engagement with humour , a sparkle in the eye in all meetings and showing that we WANT and enjoy being with that person (and we have to mean it )