Clients who tend to blame other people for their problems can be uniquely challenging to work with. And sometimes, that’s because they struggle to consider their own role in a situation.
Dr. Buczynski: How do we work with people who blame when at least to some extent that propensity to blame is coming from the brain? Dr. Siegel: It’s having more of an appreciation of our interconnectedness more of the time, and acting more as though we have an appreciation of our interconnectedness when we turn our attention, instead to our breath or some other object of awareness and tune in to moments of sensations and become more aware of interior separative experiences. The relative strength in our consciousness of this narrative about how bad the other person is and how good we are versus the experience of moment to moment sensation starts to shift and the thoughts start to feel as though they’re occurring more against the backdrop of this other sensory experience. Dr. Buczynski: That’s Dr. Ron Siegel, and Ron brings up an interesting perspective by staying in the present and being more in tune with sensory experiences. It can weaken the good versus evil narrative that sets us on a blaming course that can start to change the way the client sees the problem. To use that in clinical practice, how do we increase our clients awareness of their physical sensations so that we can foster a shift from blame? Well, Ron points to a famous study done in 2007 at Saint Joseph’s Hospital in Toronto that was led by Norman Farb. The study suggests that there’s a fundamental difference between two types of self-awareness, the experiential self and the narrative self. When we’re in the narrative self, we’re continuously repeating a version of the story of what happened and why the other person is the one to blame. When we’re in the experiential self, were simply in touch with our bodily sensations and possibly with our emotions, like sadness or hurt. Here’s how the study administrators helped bring out a greater focus on the experiential self. Dr. Siegel: They had people describe themselves at the level of experiential self which are simply, well it’s warm in the room right now, I feel little perspiration, my heart’s beating because I’m speaking publicly. that kind of thing. The narrative self, I’m a man, I’m a psychologist, I’m a father, I’m a husband, these different ways of doing it, of appreciating the self or experiencing the self, and when people did more meditation practice, they were more readily able to shift into this experience level. An interesting side effect of this is the idea that as we move into this more experiencing self level, we’re more likely to see ourselves as interrelated and even perhaps co-created with other people. I think we can talk more about how of course if we saw ourselves as more interrelated and co-created the likelihood of moving into blame is going to be less. Dr. Buczynski: So just to quickly review the more we stay with our sensations the less focused we are on blaming others.
So how can we help them reframe their perspective and start to shift out of a blame mindset?
Well according to Ron Siegel, PsyD, it can be essential to foster one specific type of self-awareness.
To hear what it is and how we might do it, check out the video below – it’s 3 minutes.
Click here for full transcript
So by helping clients shift their focus in this specific way, it can start to change how they’re experiencing their problem – which in turn can begin to slow a cycle of blame.
Now I’d like to hear from you. How do you work with clients who tend to blame other people for their problems?
Please share your comment below.
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Many clients blame others or are are caught in a cycle of self blame coupled with shame. During therapy I work with clients to expose what they are afraid of, because, it seems blame is linked to fear. Fear of the repercussions that the client has experienced or imagines will occur as a result of exposure of their responsibility in the problem. In addition, I work with the client to help them understand the rules that they have made for themself and how they would live and what happens with their their thoughts when they break those rules. After which the client begins to realize they are human and make mistakes and mistakes as well as the consequences are okay and even a good thing. Forgiving oneself and acceptance and growth are the goal for helping a client to remove the blame others or self mindset. I wrote this prior to watching your video, therefore it will be interesting to know your thoughts on my approach as well as integrate your techniques for future clients.
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Thanks for sharing the great post with us.
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Thanks for sharing the great post with us.
EXcellent video clip regarding our experiential self vs narrative self. This will be extremely helpful to me as a foundation level counselling skills tutor in a counselling and psychotherapy Training program.
Thank you.
Amalia
Great post
I always use the term “when I point my index finger at other to blame I must address the three that point at me”. I also suggest to clients that accountability creates a sense of surrender that gives me my power back and I feel in control.
Trying to get clients to accept responsibility/avoid blaming others for their role in their interactions can be challenging. I currently work with adolescent teens within the educational system. A few years ago, I adopted mindfulness practices and find them priceless in my personal life. I also began using them with the teens I work with. However, getting teens to practice prior to a crisis has been hard. One of my goals is to help principals understand the hidden benefits of adopting routine mindfulness practices for staff/students, especially since our community’s ACE’s/teacher turnover rates, are extremely high. Thanks for posting this helpful resource!
Sounds sound. What makes the switch so rapid. Somatic memories, present event, or both. How do you start getting comfortable enough to Start.
My early journey, I felt like a third degree burn victim all over my body in the sense that I couldn’t even think about feeling real feelings without wanting to escape them.
Are childhood traumas more difficult to work with because of the accumulated unhealthy coping methods that develop?
Thanks, everyone! Great info! I have been working with a client who is extremely narcissistic and I will try your suggestions.
What if you blame yourself for everything, and consequently hate yourself?
I love this! I’m going to try it with my clients!
This is an idea that makes a lot of sense. I can see how this will be helpful in many situations, thank you.
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Blaming others all the time doesn’t seem to be a problem in itself but a coping mechanism and the causes can be many. For example, lack of self awareness, lack of empathy, shortsighted view of reality, fear of disappointing (low self-esteem) and many others. I look for the root causes of the need to blame, or the inability to take responsibility, which is frequently an aversion to disappoint. I start by looking at the ACES and encourage the client as well to look for the causes that made them develop this mechanism in the first place (which is generally unconscious). This causes that the client becomes aware of what they do and WHEN they do it. This very practice of “catching themselves doing it” is the beginning of the solution.
I agree, ACES are where to begin. I suffered from chronic anxiety and panic attacks as a teenager in basic training. That was my experience, my narrative was I was deeply flawed and being raised in (loveless) foster care made it worse.
It has only been since finding so much information regarding the ACES studies that I have begun to find a way to heal. I still have little trust in humanity, but dearly love and trust my Shitzu’s.
Agree with what you said and is inspiring. I am working with a client struggling with blaming others and she suffers sadness as a result . I am going to focus on the experiential self as she attended mbct group and mindfulness self compassion group I ran and she has been practicing mindfulness. I will be curious to see how she will respond to possibility to be aware of her responsibility and the barriers to face .
I have found that mindfulness exercises at the start of therapy work in the same way. Brings present moment awareness. Taking them out of the narrative self.
This is very interesting, thank you. It reminds me of a technique advised* for musicians who are tensing up with anxiety before a performance, to ask three questions, “Am I breathing? Am I balanced? Am I seeing the room around me?” I believe it works in the same way, pulling them out of the “narrative self” of what a poor performance might mean and back into the experience of here and now. It seems to calm the body right down, like pressing a “reset button” on the nervous system.
I really appreciate Ron Siegel’s insights and methods.
*By Judith Kleinman in her book “The Alexander Technique for Musicians”
Trying to assimilate this new info with what I already know and use in Mindfulness based CBT, am I wrong to suggest that the “narrative” mentioned by Dr. Siegel are the negative ruminating thoughts (which are so key to treatment in CBT) ? And shifting to “experiential” is the mindfulness and behavioral piece?
Great video with a very clear explanation. Thank you.
Very interesting, I agree, once personal insights and an awareness of what moves and touches a client within, the clients often experience an expansion of thought which brings new perspectives and ideas.
It seems that often understanding or thinking about sensation in the body helps to identify those inhibitory emotions such as fear, shame and anxiety. Once the client can identify that, they are able to learn to use their breath and notice their core emotions and process feelings that have become muddled; those feelings which seem to get inadvertently triggered into blaming patterns of behaviour.
Very helpful in clarifying how to help get from narrative self to experiential self, so as to stop the blaming and focus on feelings and experiences.
This could not be a more appropriate time for me to be reminded of the ‘blame game.’ I’m working with a retired professional couple. He’s experiencing more difficulty in the relationship and tends to blame his wife for his unhappiness and anxiety. Slowly I’m working with the husband to create a deeper understanding of his sensations and experiences as they pertain to their marriage. He has spent two years in Thailand where he studied the Buddhist philosophy. I’m hoping he’ll recall on draw on this as we move forward.
I have found a focus on breathing is helpful to reduce blame. I’m wondering about shifting from narrative blame to experiential blame when a client has chronic pain. The focus usually turns to the area of pain.
I was also wondering if chronic pain is the brain’s attempt to focus on something other than blame. I have noticed that focus cannot be on blame and physical pain at the same time.
Your thoughts are appreciated.
When I work with others who tend to blame every one and every thing for their current circumstances it’s very helpful to work on empowering them in a couple of ways…. one to follow the clues of the feelings that the blamed is feeling l, where it is in the body and connect to the first memeort that feels familiar. This helps to identify an old story that is alive in the body and serving as an Infiniti on switch to current and automatic responses. When they may the connection they begin to have a new awareness of why they feel the way they do in current situations and they begin to make decisions from that place making current circumstances feel less emotionally charged.
Blame puts them in a victim mentality and giving others control over them through the emotional charge. Using EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE helps to diffuse the charge so client can begin to see through a chore clear perspective. I come from the place ofnusing the tools to assist them in taking their personal power back. I could type more but I feel this expresses my main idea. Thank you for the opportunity to share. ~Carolyn
Please excuse typos. My phone is acting up. ?
Thanks very useful perspective.
Haven’t seen the video yet… I ask my clients what they have control over in any given situation. And, use a dance analogy to explain that each person in any relationship is half the dance–the part they actually have control over is their half of the dance. This begins to shift the client from feeling disempowered to focusing on more adaptive ways to change the dance (vs change the person); or remove themselves from the relationship/situation.
I like this dance analogy. I can see how it could work in the context of looking at teens’ relationships with adults and peers.
Love this. Thanks for sharing.
I have this blame theme show up a lot with families of patients. As a nurse it can be very difficult to deal with these people and I think is a great deal.of the cause of ”burnout”I believe .
Thanks for this it will definitely help a 9 yr old student at school, and many others. It seems as adults we get grumpier reflecting on narratives of whats wrong in our personal journey, partly because we miss small cues in the present, then complicate things further, having more gripes to add from careless mistakes.