. . . perfectionism often comes with a cost.
You see, for many clients, their perfectionistic tendencies can get in the way of their relationships – and sometimes even lead to depression or anxiety.
So how can we work with perfectionism that’s hurting our clients?
Well, check out the video (it’s just 4 minutes) – you’ll hear how one practitioner used ideas from Polyvagal Theory and Stephen Porges, PhD to help her client begin to shift out of a perfectionistic mindset.
Dr. Vigil-Otero: So, I have a case where this is pretty much the poster child of somebody that is very perfectionistic, a very high-achieving individual, really at the top of their career, and really, their hard work and their perfectionistic ways were very reinforced. So, the harder they worked, obviously people really loved all that energy and really going that extra mile. The problem in this case was after years and years of doing that, this female actually really felt like she lost her joy, and so she came in really saying that she really wanted help finding joy. She had spun into a pretty dark depression, that was really the cost of her perfectionism. There was something Stephen Porges said in the NEXT Level Program, where he mentioned that society puts a lot of weight on productivity, and we tend to value that. He mentioned this one idea that’s pretty simple, but it was really helpful in this case. He talked about, “Sometimes, what the world wants from us is very different from what our body needs.” I found that really profound and really shared those exact words with this patient. Something really clicked because this was a patient who not only was hard-working in their work life, but they would go to the gym and not listen to their bodies and work at 200% and actually get injured quite frequently. As we were making progress, the person really did learn to start to value things other than just productivity. One of the days that I knew we were on the right track was the female came in and said, “You know what, I actually really felt I worked too hard the day before, and I listened to my body and I decided instead of doing my regular workout [which she normally would have done], I decided to swim.” It really shocked me because that was something that was so foreign. That was the first time that she really listened to her body and really realized that sometimes, we have to listen to what our body needs. Stephen also mentioned the importance of co-regulation and how that’s a big part of what our body needs, and that often is a cost when we are over-working and over-functioning. So, with this particular individual, I really saw a trickle-down effect, where they started to really spend more time with that co-regulation and really reconnecting with their children and their spouse, even coworkers. They really started to pay attention to, “Yes, I am going to be reinforced if I go the extra mile. However, there’s that cost.” And I really felt that a lot of what Porges shared, as far as, the world is complex, that contrast for what the world asks of us, but what we really need doesn’t always align, and just holding that for this particular patient was really, I think, a key part in making some shifts.
Dr. Buczynski: As Ashley showed us, using that one key idea from Dr. Stephen Porges proved quite powerful for her client. Now, we’d like to hear from you. Is there a new idea that you’ve heard recently that’s been particularly helpful for one of your clients? And if you’re in the NEXT Level Practitioner Program, we’d love to hear if there’s an idea from that program that’s helped spark a change in your work. Please tell us about it in the comments below, and thanks for watching.
In the video above, you met Ashley Vigil-Otero, PsyD – a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida, and a new member of NICABM’s program development team.
Ashley showed us how applying just one essential takeaway from Stephen’s ideas facilitated her client’s healing.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What new ideas have you recently tried that have been particularly helpful for one of your clients?
Please share your comment below.
The Porges idea of divergent needs of society vs. self may trickle down and the client can make a change – but in my work I find people really need a felt “experience” that their body can receive or remember. The issue of “perfectionism” may be deeper and related to a trauma, or embedded physically/emotionally. I teach a body/mind technique called WIYS (Walking-In-Your-Shoes) which uses “somatic empathy” for self and others. It is a method of embodiment applied to the issue, and to find a felt-sense resource for the client that can be experienced in the session and has effects on the client’s awareness – filtering into changes of habits and mindset. It’s a bit like SE, but further activates intuitive creative resourcing around any subject. We call it doing a “Walk” because we use the spontaneous movement of walking (or any movement) to activate the intention or condition. So the client in this case could actually do a “walk” of a stated intention, such as their Perfectionism, or The Balance I need, or Me Time, or Taking a Break. The client can experience the awareness on a body level – feeling their way into it, so to speak, or even encounter their own resistance which may invite the new resource for change. The intellect often fails to make the cognitive-behavioral change. But the body’s intelligence can activate, invite and receive a “missing experience”.
I began working with my clients by introducing a yoga practice that is unique called “yog Nidra” yogic sleep that is monitored by clients while laying still in shuv-aasana.
I noticed blood pressure that was high and low to return to balance.
Anxiety reduced, depression meds decreased, and clients found more joy in their lives.
Many clients reported more energy, and clarity in their work and play times.
very helpful…Lots of clients have perfectionistic personality and wind up dealing with anxiety….Getting in touch with their body most important. Thanks
So my question is how can you be comfortable with criticisms and not take it personally ? What is the norm?
It seems that what is saying here is that reaching out to others will help the system to calm down and not get as much distressed.
I can’t argue that the body has its way to tell us when something goes wrong. The stomach hurts, headache, knees pain, all this comes down to how the body has its way to take care of us, or how we have taken care of it ? Unfortunately, it is not always the case that each individual is aware of what is the body is doing at time, or it is ? May be it is the brain that matter most then? But there is a trend to focus the care on the mind and body and I am very grateful that both counts.
Thank you for this video! Nowadays I often hear, that perfectionism makes people suffer from mental illnesses, but, nevertheless, more and more social institutes require perfectionism as a style of your performance. You have no right for mistake at work, you have to be the best parent and wife or husband at home, you have to be the best friend ever with all your friends. I feel the pressure of this mindset. I understand, that it’s a wrong way of being, but others want me to be a perfectionist! I work as a private tutor for two years and often face with procrastinators. They say, that they don’t want to start writing their essay or solving math, because you can’t fail, if you don’t do it. My college has written simple tips on how to write a good critical analysis for students. I showed it to one of my students and asked him, if this tips are helpful. He said, that they might be helpful, but he wasn’t sure if he’d understood tips in a right way!
How can one be good enough ? How much more do we need to perform to reach success?
Great reminder that our body needs nurturing. Being in the head can easily led to perfectionism because abstract plans don’t consider physical needs. A to do list that is projected into the future doesn’t factor in what the body feels and needs in the moment. The body knows!
Ireally appreciate Dr. Porges theory more and more since I realize how coherent ind it makes so much sense. Having a handy list cantake you a step ahead to manage the up coming and unpredictable ; as long as its nt allways in the head.
Loved this. “What the world asks of us is often not what our body needs” is such a true statement. We buy into what the world asks of us and expect this will bring us happiness and success and instead we need to be listening to our bodies and our own inner voice.
This is a sales video to try and get people to join.
My take from this is, that I am not as yet seeing in the comments, is that Porges polyvagal theory asks us to listen to our bodies for indications of overwhelm, fatigue, stress and so on. Affirmations of I’m good enough for a body that is overwhelmed just do not work. They in fact, ramp us up.
Actually listening to the body, acknowledging what it/we need is the basis of self regulation. This is our true source of healing. The need to be ‘perfect’ is a striving of a highly oversensitive body, a fight/flight like coping strategy that colours everything. The body does not know what else to do. This is where our friends, coaches, counsellors, loved ones can help. If we acknowledge that we drive ourselves too much….(and it doesn’t always matter why), we can ask others, as well as ourself to help us monitor what is going on in our bodies…to step back, to rest and be okay. I have recently been blessed with the ability to know how to ask for this kind of help and extra blessed to have my loved ones willingly and very capably help me with this.
Perfectionism is a disorder of dysregulation as are all anxiety disorders. The calm I can sometimes feel now, comes from knowing the issue and asking for and receiving support.
There is such a lack of grounding in these videos, and it makes them come across as insincere.
I agree with you 100%. This video comes across as not genuine and not sincere as if a textbook is being read. There is no real connection to the story. Also, I find the content shallow.
Nice job! Thanks.
This is a part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Thank you so much for these snippets of wisdom. Perfectionism is something I deal with all the time and this was helpful
Nice case though the chosen approach overlaps completely with behavioral activation and mindfulness principles… In other words, being more mindful and increasing anti depressive behaviors. So, what’s the added value of using PG theory here?
Perfectionism is an important topic and something many in my family grew up with and still grapple with.
Now as a psychologist, and largely free of the grip of perfectionism (although the tendencies still linger), I say to my clients that ‘perfectionism is a recipe for failure’. Not even sure know whether I made that up, or it was derived from elsewhere.
Nevertheless, from a performance psychology perspective, because perfection can never actually be achieved, despite what some say in language, striving for it only produces anxiety, stress and dissatisfaction. Instead, we can strive for being ‘good enough’ , as others have said (and maybe Bowlby too) or excellence, but give up on aiming to be perfect.
Of course in the age of social media and Photoshop and their ilk, the ‘fake news’ is around perfection. Let it go, and we will all be better as a consequence. And in terms of letting go, and engaging the PNS, I guess that is where the poly-vagal theory comes in.
Thanks for sharing. Usually I like to say something like ” You are doing the best you can “; “It is going to be fine”; “Things have a way of working themselves out” to clients and let them exploring more if they wish
Thank-you for the video. I always enjoy them. I was a perfectionist for many years and had a wonderful therapist help me move from there to better self-care. I work with clients who struggle with perfectionism. I always need reminders and new ideas for my private practice and appreciate being connected to nicabm.
Susan Baldasano LMFT
Ruth
I am 70 and not a practitioner, but was a perfectionist forever. Now that is fine…..but not if you fall into the trap of expecting others to meet the ridiculously high levels you set yourself…..with the result that I kept failing in all of my relationships.
Stephen’s work is crucial in that practitioners can really help perfectionist clients have a better insight into the importance of loving yourself, being kind to yourself and allowing yourself to fail. Once the client grasps that, he/she is half way there…..
Ali Gordon (Scotland)
ali – I can relate you because I have failed and rebuilt more than one relationships in my life, most of which is with my partners. I have been in both sides and experienced being the person who hurt and the person who got hurt. One is happening now and I am seeing her as a new person in my life rather than holding on to the image of her from the past. It has helped me heal and understanding that fight between our expectations and the reality. When we stop living in illusion and accept the reality and adjust with it, everything starts flowing.
Excellent ideas!
Thank you
Thank you for the very informative video. I work also with clients who have perfectionist tendencies. I like to focus on “what’s good enough” as an idea and getting away from “absolutes”. I used cognitive behavior therapy concepts to look at core beliefs that may be fueling this perfectionism. ]
On a human resources true-or-false test I once took was the statement: “Any thing worth doing is worth doing badly.” The correct answer for the makers of the test was true. Which is logically sound. Many employers do not want perfectionists as employees. Perfectionists tend to worry too much and to restrict the areas of their productivity. Be that as it may. But the statement itself can be used as a mantra for a successful but unhappy perfectionist. As can the belief that one must always think of oneself first. The air bags on airplanes come to mind. And the advice given to mountaineers after an accident: Check yourself first. You can’t help anyone until you know what you can do. A person’s own well being is a wise person’s and a happy person’s priority.
go an extra mile for others and at the same time pay credit to yourself, acknowledge that self-care comes first I’ll keep the statement in mind, and love mantras anyways. thanks.
Thank you for this insightful presentation. This week, I listened to my body and did not get up to go to my regular exercise class, Body Flow – yoga, Pilates and tai chi as I regularly do 5 and sometimes 6 times per week. I felt that I could not physically stand and leave the conversation I was having with one of my trusted AL-Anon friends. My body needed a break. I listened to my body instead of pushing through as I typically do despite the fact that I have been in AL-Anon, a 12 step spiritual self care felliwship for families and friends of alcoholics for 34 years and that I have completed all of the requirements for the 216 hour Somatic Experiencing program and the 72 hour Integral Somatic Psychology Program. Staying in my chair helped me emotionally, physically and mentally. It caught my attention about honoring my body by respecting its wishes for connection with a friend, not moving, and staying engaged with the conversation I was having at that moment in time. “Priceless.”
Perfectionism is a destroyer of love, for yourself and others
Nice how she reinforced the reinforcement the client gets from being productive, and created a gap…by orienting her to her clients body.
One of my clients cane up with this phrase: Not perfect standards but possible ones. I have used it to help the self talk of my clients who have perfectionist tendencies.
I teach my clients what I call my “Joy Therapy” and have them recount stressful events while smiling… It makes a world of difference as it instantly elevates their energy and happiness levels… and the results are lasting.
Shelley Stockwell-Nicholas, PhD
Hi I’m not a therapist but I’ve been going to therapy for years so I do a lot of my own. I love this about smile while sharing a stressful situation or event. I keep laughing with the thought of it. I will bring this idea to my therapist. Lol. Thanks
I am an LCSW and I utilize Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and then outcomes of joy, belongingness, etc. and try to implement that with my clients. If the outcome of vulnerability includes a greater sense of joy and belonging- why not try some of this vulnerability in safe relationships and spaces? I have found this take away and application to be effective.
I agree. Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection” is full of terrific ideas, and cultivating vulnerability is at the core 🙂
Good morning – Thank you for the fabulous presentation, Dr. Vigil-Otero. Wishing you all the best,
I believe we All should Reach For Our Best In Jesus. We All have a Destiny! We are to Help Others to find their destiny Not To Stagnate them to Think this is all there is!
I agree completely! Keep reaching! Keep stretching! All for the glory of the mighty God we serve. He loves us more than we can fathom!
Good day,
That was truly refreshing! I think many of us have lost the plot when it comes to work-life-health balance. We recently moved from South-AFRICA to New Zealand and now I am ‘forced’ due to current circumstances, to stay at home, after 13 years of having my own very successful practice as a general practitioner.
Let the truth be told. I am excercising, drinking more water, spending more time with my kids…and I have realized how toxic one’s habits can be. Even if they seem to be ‘good habits’ according to any entrepreneurial magazine.
Whether we have more or less materialistic things in life…life is life. There will always be certain things your soul and body long for. In 13 years I have missed out on looking at clouds, getting enough sun exposure, looking at anything green, my children’s smiles and tears…No paycheck or CEO position could ever be able to substitute that.
Thank you for sharing this video.
Warmest regards
Antoinette du Toit
Thanks for sharing I loved this simple, but remarkable idea to help clients and even to be applied on ourselves.
I feel that way too.I have never seen that written but I have thought that life is life ,Rich or poor it is a gift to all.It is to be appreciated and savored.i t goes along with biblical teaching.St Paul said I have learned to be content in all my circumstances. I always wanted to allow my children to day dream look at the clouds and have plenty of time to play.My grand children have much more rigerous scheduals .But they do allow for a lot of free play they are raised in the city ,We raised are children in a country small town.That really worked for us and our parental temperaments.