William decline to give, Another Field, Brooklyn, NY, USAsays
The hard part for me in all this was it took two decades not to gloss over critical thoughts as obviously true about me and what kindness really is since I had such a critical upbringing and thought that was kindness when offering “helpful” critical thoughts.
What really annoys me about the mindfulness movement and its (American) Buddhist roots is that it assumes you know what kindness is and that when you’re being mindful you know how and to what to apply compassion.
I realize that this makes me sound very stupid or at least unwise but in my two plus decades I can recall conversations with people reminiscent of the one Tara describes and it went in one ear and out the other. Shields were up and working well.
So maybe you could have a video or a book on what kindness to your self and others actually looks like?
Well, I’m thinking of a patient I met with today . . . And how much I want her to hear and understand what you’ve said – what I basically shared today . . . Because her suffering goes on and on . . . And her goodness is never ending in spite of it all . . .
Well the first thing I came upon was my heart. I noticed how it hurt, ached, was dead and/or dying. This was not an unusual sensation. When I moved to the second wing of compassion I imagined my heart was a small kitten. I held it in my hands and stroked its soft fur offering love and comfort. I now realize where my mindfullness practise must take me and maybe I can be more compassionate with myself.
Jane, Peer Counselor, support, advocacy, former career in Nursing, PNP, R.N., recently retired license. MSN.
I don’t worry about others behaviors so much anymore……and just ask them what their pain might be? As I can only control my own inner reactions. And when I can do this, with the help of the Universe and all that is, I am kind, caring, compassionate, confident, and peaceful.
As alway, Love Tara Brachs’ work. The Buddhist slant still gets tough for me, as I had a shrink(psychiatrist), who never heard……my distress really, in human terms. They were big on Buddhism. And it left me a bit cynical, I suppose. I don’t want to be cynical. So…….kindness to self, turned a bit to cynism, instead of the light I wish to be, for others……in their own place in their own journeys. I seek to guide, not change anyone, accept and acknowledge all that is good.
A brilliant video. Thank you. I am practicing meditation often and it helps me being conscious and aware of how I feel each time and accept my feelings. It has been a few years I work hard for self care and compassion and although a difficult journey I can see progress.
Liz WILLIS, Social Work, DOVER PLAINS, NY, USAsays
I become sad as I sense many potential dilemmas in describing my observations and concerns of others’ behaviors to them. Thus, I have a tendency to grit my teeth and bite my tongue.
I could feel the anxiety and sadness that I’ve been struggling with since I was suddenly and brutally removed from the teaching job I love in June. I felt space for compassion for the parts of me that are suffering so much loss and fear.
Perhaps I did not have enough time to be in the moment or because I had just come into listening to this on the heals of a disagreement with my oldest daughter, I really was unable to feel anything but continued frustration. More with myself than anything but I am new to this type of meditation and although it speaks to me more than anything else ever has, I still need to be with it more in everything I do. Perhaps, if I had watched the video without having had the prior disagreement, I would have been able to feel something more. But I was frustrated at what had happened and that carried into the meditation I was engaged in. I do believe with time this is going to be very helpful to me but it will take time.
Always refreshing to cultivate kindness fjr myself. I usually default to the co.mon humanity approach though and sometimes struggle to further my experience of kindness.
When I brought kindness into my body, I felt a softening. I have suffered with a nervousness for a few days, but I now feel everything will be alright.
Kimberley Mapel, Psychotherapy, Peachtree City , GA, USAsays
I felt a sense of warmth and tenderness toward myself and the situation. I reminded myself that this is difficult, but that it will pass. Thank you for the lovely video, and thank you nicabm for all of the wonderful content.
I have been on a journey of getting to know myself and being kind to myself over the past 5 years with the help of professional mental health people and peer mentors. I’ve found it is a process that you have to go through at your own pace from one revelation to the next revelation. This way it is meaningful to you. If you try to do it just because you are told to it has no meaning to you and you don’t get to learn from the revelations you experience along the journey of self discovery. If you only do as you are told ‘this is how you recover ‘ then you are still living a life that is not truly your life. Everyone fits into the world differently. We are all individuals with our own way of living at peace. I have fought to keep what makes me peaceful because I know I don’t fit into the ‘normal’ expectations of society. I have been called defiant because of this but I’m glad I have done it because I’m now climbing out of depression into living my life the way I want. Had I listened to those around me I would have lost so much of what I am now finding really is what makes my life more peaceful. The trauma in my life wasn’t the car accident or the mental health issues from the accident??? I think it was the people telling me to live my life in a certain way that was supposed to be ‘normal’ and I was trying to live my life that way because I thought it was what I needed to do to make my life better. I’m now finding what makes my life happy and peaceful and people have to accept me for my choices because I have ‘accepted’ that my choices are the right choices for me.
I hope this makes sense to you?
I think the main thing in my recovery is that I doubted my beliefs and values because they didn’t seem to fit with my family upbringing. Christianity and the Word of God has given me the power to realise my beliefs and values are right because they line up with Christian beliefs and values. I still question ‘religion’ because that is the way certain people interpret the Word of God but Christianity means to ‘walk in love’. If you walk in Love ‘be kind’ then you can be forgiving, accepting, compassionate, kind, etc.
Though I often listen to your Mindfulness Meditation (do listen to one part at least once/twice a week), it never hurts to continue be awake and to be kind and compassionate to self. It does more than never hurt—it raises my vibration to one of more quiet joy and better health. It gets easier to remember and is helpful to hear it again when I wasn’t looking to hear it. Thank you.
Deona Paine, Another Field, Traverse City, MI, USAsays
Whenever I try to apply kindness and compassion to myself, it stirs up two distinct feelings: one of being held safe and lovingly, and the other of sadness because I don’t feel worthy. Depending on the day, one or the other emotion wins out. I’ve noticed that as I get older, the safe and loved feeling is becoming more prominent.
What I found was a feeling of being averse to a task I must do, something I have been avoiding all day. It’s something I’m afraid to do for fear of failure. When I brought kindness to that feeling of aversion, it suddenly dissipated. I felt like I could do the task. And I will go do it right now. Amazing.
I have watched a number of Tara’s dharma talks so the content was not new. I have struggled with trying to find a kind voice to address myself and it came to me that the voice I use with my granddaughter is much more compassionate than the one I use with myself. So I think that is a good place to start.
When I tried to work with compassion for my feelings I got a lot of negative energy feedback from myself. I tried to be with in compassion but I couldn’t get through i have been doing mindfulness practice for about 6 months, though i don’t do it everyday.
When I tried to bring compassion to the turmoil within opened up became lighter and start to dissipate. Also I felt lighter and the energy around me that was stormy started to dissolve.
Edward Schline, Another Field, CAMBRIDGE, MD, USAsays
Totally am practicing self kindness and self acceptance. My whole life has shifted fro being a victim of Childhood sexual assault to thriving with gratitude. Been a long road getting here. While I score a 7 on the ACE study my resilience score was high too. My contentment was connected to my ability to work and support myself so at 49 I became to disabled to work and this led me to a breakdown which in turn led me to therapy and now I’m still in therapy 10 years later yet the most content ever. So I’ve gone from attempted suicide to happy to be alive and grateful to wake up another day. Some days I still fear that this good fortune will shift and my sadness will return but I have just as many if not more tears of joy than sadness. Just finally glad to be alive with myself in this moment.
I was experiencing some tension in my body, particularly in my jaw. When I was with the tension and with kindness, a natural softening occurred. Also, I felt a sense of wonder.
Kindness brings the question, could I ever fit in (be accepted) by anyone, to a high degree, over a long period of time, if they knew all about me? Expecting anyone to have trust & value in me is hard because I was not at all trusted in all my younger years. When I got much older I realized God had trust & faith in me proven by the fact that he sent his angels to save me from certain death more than once. I question if my life will please God enough considering I did not please my parents enough,—up until their last days. Those last smiles of approval bring tears & a deep sense of the often frail human condition, which requires lots of self compassion to maintain recovery.
Whan you become a child of God, you become part of a new Family who loves you unconditionally, and love includes trust. He died to save you, that would tell you that He values you dearly and acording to the Scriptures, He delights in you (Zeph.3:17; Ps.147:11). He wants your heart, and out of it will flow obedience (1Sam15:22-24; Jer.7:21-23) and mercy (Hos.6:6; Matt.9:14) – together all the fruits of the Spirit as you are transformed more and more into His image (2Cor.3:18). Go well and know: ‘You’re loved, trusted and you’re worth it!’ Remember the price paid for anything, determines it’s worth – not somebody flapping their lips… xox
Thank you very much for the video. I have a hard time being kind to myself. When I tried to bring kindness to myself I found that I have a lot of negative self talk and really need to better care for me with compassion.
Cynthia Wisehart, Another Field, Portland, OR, USAsays
I’ve been working on self-compassion recently so it felt wonderful to bring some self-compassion to feelings of loss that I have recently experienced. Thank you for the reminder.
An excellent video. I am trying to be more self compassionate although at times the critical voice still comes up. I guess I feel lost at times because I don’t know what being true to myself means.
Ingrid Nelson-Stefl, Social Work, Detroit, MI, USAsays
Thank you for your lovely, helpful video and especially for your sharing of your own experience. I could totally relate to the idea which I had from early childhood that there was something wrong with me – to the core. I’ve worked hard to overcome that and have realized that that idea is a lie. There are cognitive distortions in it and me trying to protect myself from unexpectedly, suddenly finding out I WAS truly worthless, but I’ve realized that I don’t need that to protect myself, that it hurts me. So, I’ve come a long way, but being compassionate toward myself is still somewhat of a challenge. I can do it, but I don’t do it very often. I liked your way of asking (I couldn’t hear one of the words) something like “Can I ___ that and be kind to myself about it?” I think that’s a beautiful question and way in. As a mental health therapist for over 36 yrs., I’ve often found that my clients struggle with giving themselves compassion, too, so I’m eager to learn more and to pass your wisdom on to them!!!
I couldn’t let go of my disdain for wrinkles and losing my used to be self
My thought when turned it around. I’m active study mindfulness a yoga teacher 3decades but I’m yes sad, poor, yearn to travel but
Cognitively I know internally accepting no loathe looking n the mirror. Mercy a pity party ?
At first I relaxed and felt the tension (the thing I had noticed) release a little. Then my mind drifted off for a few moments. Then I came back to hearing the video ?.
Hi Tara, thanks so much for your kindness and wisdom. I’ve been practicing mindfulness for the pas 5 years. Those two questions are like precious, quality time with myself, utterly enjoyable and thankfully renewable. With love, Edgar
Useful. I’m looking forward to the next video and sharing these wiht my clients. This is how I approach the issue but it’s useful to have another voice.
I am a Type 2 diabetic and I received a call from my doctor earlier in the day telling me that my blood sugar had been going up significantly and I needed to add a new medication to my regimen. When I watched the video I thought about how sad I was because I know that I have not been eating enough, have not been taking my diabetes medication regularly and have been making poor food choices. I decided to make a healthy meal here at home rather than run out for fast food, which was my original dinner plan before watching this video. Thank you, Tara!
It left me feeling that the future is really out of my control and fearing ageism and illness will happen no matter what. I just need to change my perspective.
I felt more in touch with all of myself, not just the shame around actions I took many years ago that my daughter has brought up again. I am more… more loving, more awake, more self aware than I was then. I have to look back without staring, as they say. ?
I felt empathy for myself for the first time and that felt alien to me. I was never taught to love myself as a child – it was frowned upon.
Thank you for helping me actually consider the fact that I could possibly be worthy of my own love and affection ❤ xx
I was having a bit of trouble grasping this. I watched this late after a long day at work. Not the optimal time to do it but I didn’t want to forget.
Have difficulty being kind to myself even though I am with others.
I understood the questions I asked myself they were so very simple yet I heard and understood them.
The hard part for me in all this was it took two decades not to gloss over critical thoughts as obviously true about me and what kindness really is since I had such a critical upbringing and thought that was kindness when offering “helpful” critical thoughts.
What really annoys me about the mindfulness movement and its (American) Buddhist roots is that it assumes you know what kindness is and that when you’re being mindful you know how and to what to apply compassion.
I realize that this makes me sound very stupid or at least unwise but in my two plus decades I can recall conversations with people reminiscent of the one Tara describes and it went in one ear and out the other. Shields were up and working well.
So maybe you could have a video or a book on what kindness to your self and others actually looks like?
Well, I’m thinking of a patient I met with today . . . And how much I want her to hear and understand what you’ve said – what I basically shared today . . . Because her suffering goes on and on . . . And her goodness is never ending in spite of it all . . .
Well the first thing I came upon was my heart. I noticed how it hurt, ached, was dead and/or dying. This was not an unusual sensation. When I moved to the second wing of compassion I imagined my heart was a small kitten. I held it in my hands and stroked its soft fur offering love and comfort. I now realize where my mindfullness practise must take me and maybe I can be more compassionate with myself.
I really love your description of holding and petting a small kitten…beautiful…
I felt more hope
Jane, Peer Counselor, support, advocacy, former career in Nursing, PNP, R.N., recently retired license. MSN.
I don’t worry about others behaviors so much anymore……and just ask them what their pain might be? As I can only control my own inner reactions. And when I can do this, with the help of the Universe and all that is, I am kind, caring, compassionate, confident, and peaceful.
As alway, Love Tara Brachs’ work. The Buddhist slant still gets tough for me, as I had a shrink(psychiatrist), who never heard……my distress really, in human terms. They were big on Buddhism. And it left me a bit cynical, I suppose. I don’t want to be cynical. So…….kindness to self, turned a bit to cynism, instead of the light I wish to be, for others……in their own place in their own journeys. I seek to guide, not change anyone, accept and acknowledge all that is good.
Best.
I have suffered from IBS-D which has taken me down a path of rejection of my body, sadness that this keeps me from being the person I use to know.
A brilliant video. Thank you. I am practicing meditation often and it helps me being conscious and aware of how I feel each time and accept my feelings. It has been a few years I work hard for self care and compassion and although a difficult journey I can see progress.
I become sad as I sense many potential dilemmas in describing my observations and concerns of others’ behaviors to them. Thus, I have a tendency to grit my teeth and bite my tongue.
I felt at peace and all the feelings soften. Thank you for this video. I am looking forward to the next one.
I could feel the anxiety and sadness that I’ve been struggling with since I was suddenly and brutally removed from the teaching job I love in June. I felt space for compassion for the parts of me that are suffering so much loss and fear.
Perhaps I did not have enough time to be in the moment or because I had just come into listening to this on the heals of a disagreement with my oldest daughter, I really was unable to feel anything but continued frustration. More with myself than anything but I am new to this type of meditation and although it speaks to me more than anything else ever has, I still need to be with it more in everything I do. Perhaps, if I had watched the video without having had the prior disagreement, I would have been able to feel something more. But I was frustrated at what had happened and that carried into the meditation I was engaged in. I do believe with time this is going to be very helpful to me but it will take time.
Always refreshing to cultivate kindness fjr myself. I usually default to the co.mon humanity approach though and sometimes struggle to further my experience of kindness.
I felt a wave of sadness wash over me because an inner voice was saying, “You’ll never get there.” I’m going to try this again later tonight.
A soft acceptance visited – it was peaceful; I was peaceful . . .
When I brought kindness into my body, I felt a softening. I have suffered with a nervousness for a few days, but I now feel everything will be alright.
I felt a sense of warmth and tenderness toward myself and the situation. I reminded myself that this is difficult, but that it will pass. Thank you for the lovely video, and thank you nicabm for all of the wonderful content.
I have been on a journey of getting to know myself and being kind to myself over the past 5 years with the help of professional mental health people and peer mentors. I’ve found it is a process that you have to go through at your own pace from one revelation to the next revelation. This way it is meaningful to you. If you try to do it just because you are told to it has no meaning to you and you don’t get to learn from the revelations you experience along the journey of self discovery. If you only do as you are told ‘this is how you recover ‘ then you are still living a life that is not truly your life. Everyone fits into the world differently. We are all individuals with our own way of living at peace. I have fought to keep what makes me peaceful because I know I don’t fit into the ‘normal’ expectations of society. I have been called defiant because of this but I’m glad I have done it because I’m now climbing out of depression into living my life the way I want. Had I listened to those around me I would have lost so much of what I am now finding really is what makes my life more peaceful. The trauma in my life wasn’t the car accident or the mental health issues from the accident??? I think it was the people telling me to live my life in a certain way that was supposed to be ‘normal’ and I was trying to live my life that way because I thought it was what I needed to do to make my life better. I’m now finding what makes my life happy and peaceful and people have to accept me for my choices because I have ‘accepted’ that my choices are the right choices for me.
I hope this makes sense to you?
I think the main thing in my recovery is that I doubted my beliefs and values because they didn’t seem to fit with my family upbringing. Christianity and the Word of God has given me the power to realise my beliefs and values are right because they line up with Christian beliefs and values. I still question ‘religion’ because that is the way certain people interpret the Word of God but Christianity means to ‘walk in love’. If you walk in Love ‘be kind’ then you can be forgiving, accepting, compassionate, kind, etc.
Thank you for what you wrote. I can relate to living to other people’s expectations. I am hopefully on the road to myself also.
I cried when I brought compassion and kindness to myself. thank you. xx
Though I often listen to your Mindfulness Meditation (do listen to one part at least once/twice a week), it never hurts to continue be awake and to be kind and compassionate to self. It does more than never hurt—it raises my vibration to one of more quiet joy and better health. It gets easier to remember and is helpful to hear it again when I wasn’t looking to hear it. Thank you.
Whenever I try to apply kindness and compassion to myself, it stirs up two distinct feelings: one of being held safe and lovingly, and the other of sadness because I don’t feel worthy. Depending on the day, one or the other emotion wins out. I’ve noticed that as I get older, the safe and loved feeling is becoming more prominent.
Feeling better now.?
What I found was a feeling of being averse to a task I must do, something I have been avoiding all day. It’s something I’m afraid to do for fear of failure. When I brought kindness to that feeling of aversion, it suddenly dissipated. I felt like I could do the task. And I will go do it right now. Amazing.
Thank you for posting this. Task aversion drives my procrastination and consequent depression.
I have watched a number of Tara’s dharma talks so the content was not new. I have struggled with trying to find a kind voice to address myself and it came to me that the voice I use with my granddaughter is much more compassionate than the one I use with myself. So I think that is a good place to start.
You made a big smile on my face. I send feelings of love out to you, and your family.
Lovely video. Thank you.
A willingness to practice this over and over again!
When I tried to work with compassion for my feelings I got a lot of negative energy feedback from myself. I tried to be with in compassion but I couldn’t get through i have been doing mindfulness practice for about 6 months, though i don’t do it everyday.
I noticed a sense of warmth and a calm state that felt more comfortable than what I was feeling before.
When I tried to bring compassion to the turmoil within opened up became lighter and start to dissipate. Also I felt lighter and the energy around me that was stormy started to dissolve.
Totally am practicing self kindness and self acceptance. My whole life has shifted fro being a victim of Childhood sexual assault to thriving with gratitude. Been a long road getting here. While I score a 7 on the ACE study my resilience score was high too. My contentment was connected to my ability to work and support myself so at 49 I became to disabled to work and this led me to a breakdown which in turn led me to therapy and now I’m still in therapy 10 years later yet the most content ever. So I’ve gone from attempted suicide to happy to be alive and grateful to wake up another day. Some days I still fear that this good fortune will shift and my sadness will return but I have just as many if not more tears of joy than sadness. Just finally glad to be alive with myself in this moment.
I was experiencing some tension in my body, particularly in my jaw. When I was with the tension and with kindness, a natural softening occurred. Also, I felt a sense of wonder.
I had a feeling of peace, content and acceptance of my being. I thank you oh so much for sharing your knowledge to help so many others.
Kindness brings the question, could I ever fit in (be accepted) by anyone, to a high degree, over a long period of time, if they knew all about me? Expecting anyone to have trust & value in me is hard because I was not at all trusted in all my younger years. When I got much older I realized God had trust & faith in me proven by the fact that he sent his angels to save me from certain death more than once. I question if my life will please God enough considering I did not please my parents enough,—up until their last days. Those last smiles of approval bring tears & a deep sense of the often frail human condition, which requires lots of self compassion to maintain recovery.
Whan you become a child of God, you become part of a new Family who loves you unconditionally, and love includes trust. He died to save you, that would tell you that He values you dearly and acording to the Scriptures, He delights in you (Zeph.3:17; Ps.147:11). He wants your heart, and out of it will flow obedience (1Sam15:22-24; Jer.7:21-23) and mercy (Hos.6:6; Matt.9:14) – together all the fruits of the Spirit as you are transformed more and more into His image (2Cor.3:18). Go well and know: ‘You’re loved, trusted and you’re worth it!’ Remember the price paid for anything, determines it’s worth – not somebody flapping their lips… xox
Thank you very much for the video. I have a hard time being kind to myself. When I tried to bring kindness to myself I found that I have a lot of negative self talk and really need to better care for me with compassion.
I’ve been working on self-compassion recently so it felt wonderful to bring some self-compassion to feelings of loss that I have recently experienced. Thank you for the reminder.
I have a really hard time turning inward, haven’t liked myself for years.
An excellent video. I am trying to be more self compassionate although at times the critical voice still comes up. I guess I feel lost at times because I don’t know what being true to myself means.
The bad feelings disapated…
Thank you for your lovely, helpful video and especially for your sharing of your own experience. I could totally relate to the idea which I had from early childhood that there was something wrong with me – to the core. I’ve worked hard to overcome that and have realized that that idea is a lie. There are cognitive distortions in it and me trying to protect myself from unexpectedly, suddenly finding out I WAS truly worthless, but I’ve realized that I don’t need that to protect myself, that it hurts me. So, I’ve come a long way, but being compassionate toward myself is still somewhat of a challenge. I can do it, but I don’t do it very often. I liked your way of asking (I couldn’t hear one of the words) something like “Can I ___ that and be kind to myself about it?” I think that’s a beautiful question and way in. As a mental health therapist for over 36 yrs., I’ve often found that my clients struggle with giving themselves compassion, too, so I’m eager to learn more and to pass your wisdom on to them!!!
I couldn’t let go of my disdain for wrinkles and losing my used to be self
My thought when turned it around. I’m active study mindfulness a yoga teacher 3decades but I’m yes sad, poor, yearn to travel but
Cognitively I know internally accepting no loathe looking n the mirror. Mercy a pity party ?
At first I relaxed and felt the tension (the thing I had noticed) release a little. Then my mind drifted off for a few moments. Then I came back to hearing the video ?.
Hi Tara, thanks so much for your kindness and wisdom. I’ve been practicing mindfulness for the pas 5 years. Those two questions are like precious, quality time with myself, utterly enjoyable and thankfully renewable. With love, Edgar
I feel like I can never get anything right.
Useful. I’m looking forward to the next video and sharing these wiht my clients. This is how I approach the issue but it’s useful to have another voice.
I am a Type 2 diabetic and I received a call from my doctor earlier in the day telling me that my blood sugar had been going up significantly and I needed to add a new medication to my regimen. When I watched the video I thought about how sad I was because I know that I have not been eating enough, have not been taking my diabetes medication regularly and have been making poor food choices. I decided to make a healthy meal here at home rather than run out for fast food, which was my original dinner plan before watching this video. Thank you, Tara!
whwn i try to bring kindness to my feeling. my tears stopped for a few minutes i felt the extra space in my lungs.
It left me feeling that the future is really out of my control and fearing ageism and illness will happen no matter what. I just need to change my perspective.
I felt more in touch with all of myself, not just the shame around actions I took many years ago that my daughter has brought up again. I am more… more loving, more awake, more self aware than I was then. I have to look back without staring, as they say. ?
I felt empathy for myself for the first time and that felt alien to me. I was never taught to love myself as a child – it was frowned upon.
Thank you for helping me actually consider the fact that I could possibly be worthy of my own love and affection ❤ xx