Jeanne Bielejeski, Teacher, Treasure City, MN, USAsays
I shifted from the lens of how I imagined I “should” be to the lens of how I really am…no expectations…just how it is…no judgement. I want to maintain that lens because it’s much wider. It’s much lighter.
Leslie No thanks, Counseling, Gainesville, FL, USAsays
Hi Tara,
Thank you for this teaching,
As I listened and turned towards practicing kindness to self, I began sobbing. I experience so much harsh self-judgement, criticism. This practice is what I need.
Your talk brought back a memory for me …One night as I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep , I kept asking myself ” what do I want ?” it was a question I’d been asked , and I couldn’t answer it , I didn’t know what I truly wanted … then I began to cry , as I realised I wanted to not feel like there was always something wrong with me , to not feel like I had to work on myself constantly , just one day where I actually felt ok , exactly as I am … I found myself saying out loud “I love you ” .. and there was a peace I’d never known before …
All of this makes sense to me but when I try to go inward I just feel overwhelmingly stuck on pause. If I’m remembered for anything when I die I hope people think of me as kind. That my children knew me to say be kind to each other. Be the person you want to know. But its the hardest thing to do is to be kind to your self.
It reminded me what someone once said to me. “BE KIND TO LESLIE. BE GOOD TO HER. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOT ” I am having the same reaction now as I did then, brings me to my knees in tears!. At the time I was recovering from a rape and the insidious thought of unworthy occassionally creep up. Sometimes its a constant daily fight. Just shows I need to maintain my focus and continue to gight for me
I loved Tara’s beautiful authenticity. Being with huge pain and betrayal in kindness is very, very hard when you have deeply internalised that pain. I am practicing my witnessing and my love towards me and it doesn’t take away the pain and I am less reactive and more responsive now.
When I heard your words I cried and curled into foetal position… my mind went to all I’d heard from others of
Must be something wrong with you
Listening to your finishing words gave me a sense of hope
Thankyou for sharing these videos ??
I’m always kind to everyone around me but I’m never kind to myself. I know now that it’s important to love myself. I deserve to be happy and loved and cared for the same way as I do others. It’s hard to change im 68 years old but I’m going to finally learn self love. I have 9 kids and 20 grandkids. So I’m doing the things that I’ve never done before,putting myself first. (Trying)
i became more confident in doing what I have always wanted to do and afraid to do for no reason. i had to find a reason and it is how i understand it in this argument with myself as why i should/could not be any different. Compassion for others is key but it is what i expect of myself
I practiced the kindness after the video by forgiving myself for daydreaming/mind wandering during the video. I can be harsh on myself for this at times. My kindness is also just notice the event with less judgement than I used in the past.
Carrie Slayden, Another Field, Lewisville, TX, USAsays
Hi. I realized I want to love myself more than my shame dictates I am worth. I’ve been through a complex trauma & I am now learning how not to victimize myself. I want to tell myself, “it’s ok. I don’t have to do/be/say that, if I don’t want to.” & “it’s ok to feel angry & hurt.”. A long time ago, I knew I had not done this to myself, however in dealing with PTSD/DD, I feel an immense amount of shame. I learned a long time ago though, that shame is what we feel when others put their guilt off on you & we feel guilty when we actually do something wrong & that’s healthy. So, I tell myself a lot, “It’s ok. I don’t have to & that’s that!”. & then I feel much better.
When I asked what’s happening, I felt tightening warmth in my throat & head and to cry. When I offered kindness, the feelings subsided. I kept doing it with the other thoughts & feelings that followed telling me I already know this, pull yourself together, get on with it, berating myself. Ahhh, remember kindness, compassion, that you offer so presently to others… Softens the loud, repetitive meanness. Thank you
Thank you for sharing, the part of the two arrows is the one I will remember since it is very new to me. I have been practicing and meditating and have found Tara Brach and Dr. Kornfield are my favorite speakers.
Feeling grateful to you for sharing your story and for your benevolence, and hesitant about my own worthiness. I guess growing one’s awareness is a step in the right direction but how to overcome regret and shame?
I felt a sense of relief and ease, but also judgement about not being kind or gentle to my self. Self-compassion seems to ebb and flow in my life. I have to continuously remind myself that I am perfect in my imperfections and flaws.
Being in this nurturing environment – even virtual – gave meaning to what sharing and being together in it is like. I have found the series very helpful and wonder when the next will be up.
Thank you, Tara.
I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.
Physical sensation: pain and sickness.
I’ve been in therapy, yet after trauma and unhealed injuries most of me feels dead. I’m just existing. I breathe, and am in pain,so I know I’m alive.
I try to do my best to do needed chores as best I can, and try to live up to everyone’s needs, but I feel like I’m dying inside. I long to be creative – it’s a powerful need, as important as breathing, but I’m stuck. I hate my life, and I hate me.
Carrie Slayden, Another Field, Lewisville, TX, USAsays
Hi Katy,
I too am recovering from trauma & have spent many years feeling exactly the way you do. I want you to know, that place in you WILL come alive again! I’ve come through, back to a place of self-acceptance (I’m a baby again @it though), self-worth & I’m feeling good stuff again. Big ((HUGS)) to you. You are braver & stronger than you know & from one who has been there, things will get better. ♡ from a sister warrior…
I feel much the same way, but I know that it means I need some help. I’m working on getting that, but in the meantime, maybe reaching out to others, even strangers, can also help with this “stuck” place. If you want to reach out to me, and share some stories, or just connect in some way. I’m open. I am not at all sure how these things work on the internet. One thing I know about myself is that I am always helping everyone else, and not myself. I think that’s what Tara is all about. I have her books, I read them, but I’m just not primed to put myself first. If you get this, reach out. I wonder what creative endeavor you dream about?
It felt like it was an exercise in getting in touch with my feelings, not how I SHOULD be feeling.
I avoid dealing with my own feelings by helping others. While listening to you share your experience in the mountains years ago with your friend, it brought so much emotion, sadness to the point of crying. I am afraid to feel yet I long to at the same time.
It helps thank you. It doesn’t stop but it diminish and I often use the phrase “you did what you thouhgt best at that time” “it’s Ok to feel it, don’t judge you” “you survived” and I imagine my child and little self beside to my big and adult self and picture myself “together we can do it”
Very clear and helpful the video, thank you very much!
As always Tara I love listeni g to you and can identify . I can be very very caring and compassionate with myself but on my own. I mind my feelings and keep them to myself. I expect if I was brave enough I could share them with another anx maybe move out of my pain into healing much faster.?
Kim White, Social Work, Princeton Jct., NJ, USAsays
When I tried to bring kindness to myself and offer care, I had a very physical reaction, like feeling nausea. It feels utterly foreign and wrong. There are several things I am ashamed of in my life that happened decades ago. Letting go of this shame is like letting myself off the hook and I don’t deserve to be off the hook.
I asked myself many questions and other than worthless I felt a strong feeling of loneliness.
I could feel this horrible feeling even if the room was full of people.
Your video helped. Thank you. I realised I can be with whatever is happening and be compassionate with myself. I haven’t always been able to do so. I realised I have travelled further along my journey.
I have a son with a mental-emotional disability caused by Tuberous Sclerosis. Over 6 months he has been tapered off psych-meds and now has tardive dyskinesia and Hearing Voices. It has become really intense as I am now his full- time caregiver. I asked my Soul to show me how to be kind to him and myself. And as we were about- to watch your video, I intuited an easy way for him to change his mind /mood and create space and freedom from the “Voices” that are nasty and voilent, I said, ” put two thumbs up by your chest, close your eyes and see the space top/bottom side to side to side/front to back and inside. ” He did it in seconds. Felt the emotion of freedom and realized that he had a new energy in his “medicine bag.”
The emotion that I most feel for myself is pity and hopelessness, because I’m so undeserving of being loved. And I just want to retire to the security of my bed! Sleep helps a lot. Your video and practice helps me to feel hopeful. Thank you.
Many thanks for this video. I was not able to make it to the kindness part of the exercise, I was too overwhelmed with the first part and then I did what I always do which is to stop up the feelings and distract myself with something. I guess it feels too big to deal with and there is never the “appropriate” time to address it.
I felt overwhelmingly sad, sad that I have left it too late. At 61 I have closed in on myself. I can’t see a future, yet I am told I am a wonderfull caring person. I can never see this person. I feel I’m a lost cause. I have gone from I hate myself to I dislike myself, and I really try not to verbalize me calling myself horrible names when something I do goes wrong. My dear partner of 29 yes has now gone to his rest, he used to say Tim, you are way too hard on yourself. Which brings me back to the dreadfull sense of sadness and loneliness.
Thank you,
Tim
I tried to be kind. Yet, tensions about what I need to get done today kept overwhelming me. Sometimes it takes some self talk such as saying to just get a small piece of it done at a time. That helps me sometimes and other times I just want to take a nap. I do try to treat myself well when I’m not procrastinating or ruminating over painful times from my past.
I was concerned about my anxiety and how it often runs my life, my relationships, my responses. But when I asked myself, “can I be with this — with kindness?” it actually just melted away.
I felt relaxation when I did this excersise, and a deep sense of calm washed through me. My problem is when I get upset, I react quickly and forget to use the practice. Afterwards I wished I had remembered to pause and be with my feelings with kindness.
Hi Tara, Thank you so much for generously creating these videos and allowing access free of charge. I am under employed and very grateful for the work you give to me.
When I turned inward I felt a scared feeling in my heart and stomach. When I went to the feeling with compassion, like I’m so able to do for my friends, it was as if the feeling started to listen. It perked up and started to communicate with my attention. What was a sad quivering darkness suddenly filled with attentiveness and interest because it wasn’t alone and had someone to talk to. Me.
I have reflected recently and during your video that I have much love and patients for others but not the same for myself.
When I brought kindness to my focus just now, my heart softened and nestled into my chest, I felt fuller and calmer, even my breath deepened naturally. Thinking about being kind and loving to myself is a beautiful and strong thing and just now even made me tear-y. Because I can see how great it feels and what I should be doing to myself.
Love your neighbour as your self!
It’s difficult to look inside, I feel my failure to take care of myself as part of a series of excuses. I feel that being kind to myself is something I’ll deserve when I get it right I’m 56 and haven’t felt like I’ve gotten it right or ever will. I want to feel good before I die and feel hopeless about it.
Things softened in my mind and my body when I just sat with my feelings. It was like a wall that became more of a curtain in front of me in between me and the world.
I have had unsuccessful professional help I live in uk now it has been withdrawn due to lack of funding! My problems of self hatred are soo deep I try hard to function on the outside but when you started talking I sobbed realising what a mess the muddle in my head is I feel so lonely and pained and frightened to mention my self hatred anymore feeling that I should be cured.. and I am far far from it and it makes me very sad and lonely to the point of not wanting to live anymore at times
Thankyou for you kind soothing words and hope
I felt grateful to myself, in the way one feels grateful for a hand on the shoulder when one is crying. It didn’t immediately “fix” anything, but I felt the burden become part of myself again. I hadn’t realized how hard I was trying to hold it away from myself.
I shifted from the lens of how I imagined I “should” be to the lens of how I really am…no expectations…just how it is…no judgement. I want to maintain that lens because it’s much wider. It’s much lighter.
Hi Tara,
Thank you for this teaching,
As I listened and turned towards practicing kindness to self, I began sobbing. I experience so much harsh self-judgement, criticism. This practice is what I need.
I felt emptiness….to bring kindness to this feeling.. I didn’t know how to..
I felt calm
Your talk brought back a memory for me …One night as I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep , I kept asking myself ” what do I want ?” it was a question I’d been asked , and I couldn’t answer it , I didn’t know what I truly wanted … then I began to cry , as I realised I wanted to not feel like there was always something wrong with me , to not feel like I had to work on myself constantly , just one day where I actually felt ok , exactly as I am … I found myself saying out loud “I love you ” .. and there was a peace I’d never known before …
All of this makes sense to me but when I try to go inward I just feel overwhelmingly stuck on pause. If I’m remembered for anything when I die I hope people think of me as kind. That my children knew me to say be kind to each other. Be the person you want to know. But its the hardest thing to do is to be kind to your self.
I was womdering how I can be kind to myself and to my partner and family and not be impatient with myself.
It reminded me what someone once said to me. “BE KIND TO LESLIE. BE GOOD TO HER. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOT ” I am having the same reaction now as I did then, brings me to my knees in tears!. At the time I was recovering from a rape and the insidious thought of unworthy occassionally creep up. Sometimes its a constant daily fight. Just shows I need to maintain my focus and continue to gight for me
A feeling of lightness
I loved Tara’s beautiful authenticity. Being with huge pain and betrayal in kindness is very, very hard when you have deeply internalised that pain. I am practicing my witnessing and my love towards me and it doesn’t take away the pain and I am less reactive and more responsive now.
When I heard your words I cried and curled into foetal position… my mind went to all I’d heard from others of
Must be something wrong with you
Listening to your finishing words gave me a sense of hope
Thankyou for sharing these videos ??
I’m always kind to everyone around me but I’m never kind to myself. I know now that it’s important to love myself. I deserve to be happy and loved and cared for the same way as I do others. It’s hard to change im 68 years old but I’m going to finally learn self love. I have 9 kids and 20 grandkids. So I’m doing the things that I’ve never done before,putting myself first. (Trying)
i became more confident in doing what I have always wanted to do and afraid to do for no reason. i had to find a reason and it is how i understand it in this argument with myself as why i should/could not be any different. Compassion for others is key but it is what i expect of myself
I practiced the kindness after the video by forgiving myself for daydreaming/mind wandering during the video. I can be harsh on myself for this at times. My kindness is also just notice the event with less judgement than I used in the past.
I felt like crying – it’s hard to face these feelings of uncertainty and fear that have overwhelmed every aspect of my life.
I welcomed it.
Hi. I realized I want to love myself more than my shame dictates I am worth. I’ve been through a complex trauma & I am now learning how not to victimize myself. I want to tell myself, “it’s ok. I don’t have to do/be/say that, if I don’t want to.” & “it’s ok to feel angry & hurt.”. A long time ago, I knew I had not done this to myself, however in dealing with PTSD/DD, I feel an immense amount of shame. I learned a long time ago though, that shame is what we feel when others put their guilt off on you & we feel guilty when we actually do something wrong & that’s healthy. So, I tell myself a lot, “It’s ok. I don’t have to & that’s that!”. & then I feel much better.
When I asked what’s happening, I felt tightening warmth in my throat & head and to cry. When I offered kindness, the feelings subsided. I kept doing it with the other thoughts & feelings that followed telling me I already know this, pull yourself together, get on with it, berating myself. Ahhh, remember kindness, compassion, that you offer so presently to others… Softens the loud, repetitive meanness. Thank you
Thank you for sharing, the part of the two arrows is the one I will remember since it is very new to me. I have been practicing and meditating and have found Tara Brach and Dr. Kornfield are my favorite speakers.
A bit calmer
Feeling grateful to you for sharing your story and for your benevolence, and hesitant about my own worthiness. I guess growing one’s awareness is a step in the right direction but how to overcome regret and shame?
I felt a sense of relief and ease, but also judgement about not being kind or gentle to my self. Self-compassion seems to ebb and flow in my life. I have to continuously remind myself that I am perfect in my imperfections and flaws.
Being in this nurturing environment – even virtual – gave meaning to what sharing and being together in it is like. I have found the series very helpful and wonder when the next will be up.
Thank you, Tara.
I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.
Physical sensation: pain and sickness.
I’ve been in therapy, yet after trauma and unhealed injuries most of me feels dead. I’m just existing. I breathe, and am in pain,so I know I’m alive.
I try to do my best to do needed chores as best I can, and try to live up to everyone’s needs, but I feel like I’m dying inside. I long to be creative – it’s a powerful need, as important as breathing, but I’m stuck. I hate my life, and I hate me.
Hi Katy,
I too am recovering from trauma & have spent many years feeling exactly the way you do. I want you to know, that place in you WILL come alive again! I’ve come through, back to a place of self-acceptance (I’m a baby again @it though), self-worth & I’m feeling good stuff again. Big ((HUGS)) to you. You are braver & stronger than you know & from one who has been there, things will get better. ♡ from a sister warrior…
Hi Katy,
I feel much the same way, but I know that it means I need some help. I’m working on getting that, but in the meantime, maybe reaching out to others, even strangers, can also help with this “stuck” place. If you want to reach out to me, and share some stories, or just connect in some way. I’m open. I am not at all sure how these things work on the internet. One thing I know about myself is that I am always helping everyone else, and not myself. I think that’s what Tara is all about. I have her books, I read them, but I’m just not primed to put myself first. If you get this, reach out. I wonder what creative endeavor you dream about?
Teri
Hi Katy,
I tried to reply to you, but was not able to do that. Let me know if you got my reply.
Teri
I felt a real sense of tenderness as I connected with a feeling if tightness in my tummy.
It felt like it was an exercise in getting in touch with my feelings, not how I SHOULD be feeling.
I avoid dealing with my own feelings by helping others. While listening to you share your experience in the mountains years ago with your friend, it brought so much emotion, sadness to the point of crying. I am afraid to feel yet I long to at the same time.
It helps thank you. It doesn’t stop but it diminish and I often use the phrase “you did what you thouhgt best at that time” “it’s Ok to feel it, don’t judge you” “you survived” and I imagine my child and little self beside to my big and adult self and picture myself “together we can do it”
Very clear and helpful the video, thank you very much!
As always Tara I love listeni g to you and can identify . I can be very very caring and compassionate with myself but on my own. I mind my feelings and keep them to myself. I expect if I was brave enough I could share them with another anx maybe move out of my pain into healing much faster.?
The part of me that is struggling was given permission to cry.
When I tried to bring kindness to myself and offer care, I had a very physical reaction, like feeling nausea. It feels utterly foreign and wrong. There are several things I am ashamed of in my life that happened decades ago. Letting go of this shame is like letting myself off the hook and I don’t deserve to be off the hook.
Thank you for raw honesty. A gift. A resonance.
May Ease arise to be noticeable for us both, and that very quiet sense of comfort that the hard places stand out from.
Thank you Chris. Your words mean more than I can say.
I asked myself many questions and other than worthless I felt a strong feeling of loneliness.
I could feel this horrible feeling even if the room was full of people.
Yes. I can identify totally with those feelings.
Your video helped. Thank you. I realised I can be with whatever is happening and be compassionate with myself. I haven’t always been able to do so. I realised I have travelled further along my journey.
I have a son with a mental-emotional disability caused by Tuberous Sclerosis. Over 6 months he has been tapered off psych-meds and now has tardive dyskinesia and Hearing Voices. It has become really intense as I am now his full- time caregiver. I asked my Soul to show me how to be kind to him and myself. And as we were about- to watch your video, I intuited an easy way for him to change his mind /mood and create space and freedom from the “Voices” that are nasty and voilent, I said, ” put two thumbs up by your chest, close your eyes and see the space top/bottom side to side to side/front to back and inside. ” He did it in seconds. Felt the emotion of freedom and realized that he had a new energy in his “medicine bag.”
I have not resolved my sense of unworthiness, despite of the 3 vids. May be didn’t get as deep as Tara was explaining here. But thank you very much.
Already You have good insight that it is there. Step 1: done.
It’s a skill. I think it takes practice. Time. Every one finds their way.
Blessings to you
The emotion that I most feel for myself is pity and hopelessness, because I’m so undeserving of being loved. And I just want to retire to the security of my bed! Sleep helps a lot. Your video and practice helps me to feel hopeful. Thank you.
Many thanks for this video. I was not able to make it to the kindness part of the exercise, I was too overwhelmed with the first part and then I did what I always do which is to stop up the feelings and distract myself with something. I guess it feels too big to deal with and there is never the “appropriate” time to address it.
I started to cry. Especially the part “when people’s feedback tell you you’re flawed.” What a world of emotions that brought up.
I felt overwhelmingly sad, sad that I have left it too late. At 61 I have closed in on myself. I can’t see a future, yet I am told I am a wonderfull caring person. I can never see this person. I feel I’m a lost cause. I have gone from I hate myself to I dislike myself, and I really try not to verbalize me calling myself horrible names when something I do goes wrong. My dear partner of 29 yes has now gone to his rest, he used to say Tim, you are way too hard on yourself. Which brings me back to the dreadfull sense of sadness and loneliness.
Thank you,
Tim
Confusion
I tried to be kind. Yet, tensions about what I need to get done today kept overwhelming me. Sometimes it takes some self talk such as saying to just get a small piece of it done at a time. That helps me sometimes and other times I just want to take a nap. I do try to treat myself well when I’m not procrastinating or ruminating over painful times from my past.
I was concerned about my anxiety and how it often runs my life, my relationships, my responses. But when I asked myself, “can I be with this — with kindness?” it actually just melted away.
I felt relaxation when I did this excersise, and a deep sense of calm washed through me. My problem is when I get upset, I react quickly and forget to use the practice. Afterwards I wished I had remembered to pause and be with my feelings with kindness.
Hi Tara, Thank you so much for generously creating these videos and allowing access free of charge. I am under employed and very grateful for the work you give to me.
When I turned inward I felt a scared feeling in my heart and stomach. When I went to the feeling with compassion, like I’m so able to do for my friends, it was as if the feeling started to listen. It perked up and started to communicate with my attention. What was a sad quivering darkness suddenly filled with attentiveness and interest because it wasn’t alone and had someone to talk to. Me.
Love,
Amie
Feel sad but a little bit more relaxed.
I have reflected recently and during your video that I have much love and patients for others but not the same for myself.
When I brought kindness to my focus just now, my heart softened and nestled into my chest, I felt fuller and calmer, even my breath deepened naturally. Thinking about being kind and loving to myself is a beautiful and strong thing and just now even made me tear-y. Because I can see how great it feels and what I should be doing to myself.
Love your neighbour as your self!
It’s difficult to look inside, I feel my failure to take care of myself as part of a series of excuses. I feel that being kind to myself is something I’ll deserve when I get it right I’m 56 and haven’t felt like I’ve gotten it right or ever will. I want to feel good before I die and feel hopeless about it.
Things softened in my mind and my body when I just sat with my feelings. It was like a wall that became more of a curtain in front of me in between me and the world.
I felt supported
I have had unsuccessful professional help I live in uk now it has been withdrawn due to lack of funding! My problems of self hatred are soo deep I try hard to function on the outside but when you started talking I sobbed realising what a mess the muddle in my head is I feel so lonely and pained and frightened to mention my self hatred anymore feeling that I should be cured.. and I am far far from it and it makes me very sad and lonely to the point of not wanting to live anymore at times
Thankyou for you kind soothing words and hope
I felt overwhelmed by the intensity of my failures, but felt that with enough time I can treat them with kindness as I my own best friend
I felt grateful to myself, in the way one feels grateful for a hand on the shoulder when one is crying. It didn’t immediately “fix” anything, but I felt the burden become part of myself again. I hadn’t realized how hard I was trying to hold it away from myself.