Michael Honke, MA, MFT. CDWF, Psychotherapy, Gresham, OR, USAsays
Bringing kindness to any experience dovetails with saying “yes” and allowing into awareness all information, including uncomfortable feelings. One can be openly receptive and kind even while extending important boundaries and limits with others and standing in one’s truth. This activates approach circuitry on the brain and extends our ability to tolerate discomfort, stay open and curious, and flexible. The net result is a sense of presence and calmness in the face of discomfort.
I found my effort to show kindness to what I am feeling has an element of pity to it. Which is like being judgemental. It makes me want to explore that more. I don’t think I was shown real kindness growing up, but more false compassion that had manipulation and control at its heart. Born out of fear and lack of agency and worthiness, by unskilled and wounded parents, a child’s coping mechanism to connect, be accepted and gain approval perhaps. It doesn’t seem like true kindness. But a way to separate myself from what I am wanting to show compassion towards. But it isn’t really compassion if I am having a pitying attitude. As if I can help because I am better than whatever the thing or person is going through. Rather than really being with it, but to act above it. Another layer of separation. Like a dissassociation. Wow!
I like how Tara shares herself and the common thread that we often have of self-judgment. How she offers ways to transform self aversion ‘, beliefs of being flawed to self caring and support.
Thank you for the video. I can see it’s a, step first, of a journey.
I’ve never really been sure of my own mind. I must have been told what I felt/thought as a child bacause I have always struggled to know my own mind.
What I felt in trying to be kind during the video was confusion and frustration, mainly. It’s easier to be kind to others. I’m told I’m an empath.
Thank you Tara. I felt the knot in my stomach begin to release and my breathing was able to go deeper. As with RAIN, this is a wonderful introduction for clients to the power of mindful self compassion for healing. Love your work, Tara! thanks again.
First, thank you so much for generously offering this video and many of your other teachings so that others may benefit freely. Even though I have already “done a lot of inner work”, I know that life will always present challenges. So when I touched base with my current inner state, it was grief that came up once again. Instead of entering into the trance of self-blame for my son’s suicide, as I have the habit of doing, by taking the approach of treating myself as if I was my own best friend, I felt soothed instead of beaten down. Day by day I am healing. This kind of practice really helps. Thank you.
Sarah Norris, Occupational Therapy, Alpharetta, GA, USAsays
This content is so timely for me! Thank you for offering your wisdom. When I practiced loving kindness toward my inner dialogue, I felt a softening and a release. I realized I had been waiting for someone—anyone—to see me and accept me and show me care, and that I didn’t need to wait. I can experience what I need within my own practice. I’m working through some deep stuff right now, so this was incredibly powerful me in this moment. Thank you.
Thank you ❤️? I visualized my current self sitting beside my 6 year old self. I had wrapped my arm around her and was stroking her forehead and warmly loving her. I felt at peace. ?
Thank you for the meditation video. I felt gratitude for the “loving communication” (Jaspers) you shared in the video. Also – we live in a culture that demands judgments and fuels judgments in people – everyday, most of the day. Start within the self – and help make a shift culture.
Stephanie Hanger, Marriage/Family Therapy, San Francisco , CA, USAsays
Resistance … I noticed resistance to self soothing and self kindness. I noticed tightness… and a feeling of “moving away from” when I tried to stay open. I noticed judgement and a feeling of judgement saying “you better make that self compassion class happen or else”… still a heaviness comes over me and a sense of focusing on looking for some sense of worth or validation elsewhere, outside of myself… this is what I noticed… thank you for asking
I felt my heart shift to one of compassion for self and an acceptance for what was happening with me at that moment. Interestingly, I have been practicing embracing my perspective and emotions to be my authentic self and to live truthfully. It’s in direct alignment to the purpose of my upcoming venture – so it is apt to put this in action in my own life and well-being. Thank you.
I had a hard time moving out of my rational mind. Yesterday, I had a cathartic experience of awareness of patterns that cause me hurt and deep disappointment. I still feel kind of raw, my heart zone. I feel synchronicity this video showed up today. I want to engage with this work.
I resist bringing too much softness and kindness to myself because I fear it will make me lazy. The harsh inner critic keeps me disciplined in trying to better myself and my life.
I can extend compassion to anyone but myself. I have genuine regard and appreciation for others, but almost exclusively leave myself in the black hole of being “useless, fat,a procrastinator, not good enough, etc.” It’s exhausting to try to be good enough every day, all the time, and always feel that I’ve failed.
Hi, thank you for sharing your experience. I had severe inner critic in the past, now slowly being more friendly with myself. I felt softness coming in the body together with compassion, but still some sadness for not caring for myself for so long.
JOSEPH IZZO, M.A., L.I.C.S.W., Social Work, Washington, DC, USAsays
I experienced a sense of gratitude for the decision I made 40 years ago to own and celebrate my queerness as a Gay, non-binary person. This started the process of letting go of the suicidal shame or “trance of unworthiness” over the last 40 years. At 71 years of age I am now confronting the diminishments of aging; the loss of my “career Self” as a retired person and the deaths of my friends and family members with greater compassion & equanimity. As a practicing Quaker & Buddhist, mindfulness, and the regular practice of meditation helps me to Recognize the negative thoughts & feelings I have about my aging body; Allow those thoughts and feelings without resistance; Investigate what is triggering those reactions (usually caused by accepting society’s negative stereotypes of old people) and finally, I Nurture myself with self directed kindness & compassion. Tara Brach introduced me to the process of R.A.I.N. at her weekly meditations / dharma talks on Wednesday evenings in Bethesda, MD. I’m very fortunate to live in Washington, DC where I am blessed to have direct access to multiple Sanghas associated with Tara’s Insight Meditation Community of Washington. She & IMCW have truly enriched my life and are preparing me for my eventual death.
I have recently been overreacting to a believed slight by my change facilitator. I know it is not their fault, it is down to my reaction. Before I could apply reason or logic to this believed slight my feelings where like a dagger through my heart centre! The barriers came up and i felt numb. After this reflection i feel a little looser in my heart centre. Thank you
Hi Tara. Thanks for making this available. Learning to sit with the uncomfortable has a profound impact. It’s always been taught in tough or rough times to ‘suck up, and leave it behind.’ Yeah, that doesn’t really work. Learning mindfulness with awareness and compassion (the former easy, the latter…not so much. Lol) gives life new perspective and fresh understanding. I wish all who wander this path peace and wellbeing.
Tamara Goldrick, Social Work, Cape Girardeau, MO, USAsays
It felt amazing and comforting and yet a part of me said I was not worthy. I too struggle with the inner critic and find mindfulness and God quells the voice. I have a lot of compassion for others, but, need to have more for myself to grow. Thank you Tara for this reminder to practice more self-compassion.
I had a racing heart and sore neck and shoulders with accompanying headache and I have noticed my tension and stress leave my body and my headache slowly dissipate, thank you ?
When I tried to bring kindness to what I was experiencing, I felt a warmth and a resistance at the same time. I keep remembering my mother’s words on her deathbed. “We threw you away.” In my heart I always knew this, but tried to ignore the evidence. I have dedicated my life to helping others to feel included and loved, but do I feel worthy of the same love? Not completely….Inside I feel that there is something flawed, something missing.
Hi, Pamela – I resonate deeply with that feeling of not being valued by family. While my mother protected me after having me very late in life, I have grown to realize just how much my older siblings, and even my father to a degree, resented my existence. I have always struggled with feeling ‘worthy’ – of achievements, stable employment, loving relationships – this still dogs me to this day.
I have slowly started to shift my thinking away from feeling trapped by outer judgement and instead look at the value I myself have brought to many with my compassion and intuitive wisdom.
This has made it easier for me to rise above the obvious fear and pain underlying others’ behavior toward me, and it helps to heal my own pain, as well.
It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there.
I was struck by the thought that our parents and important early caregivers/influencers teach us, by their example and treatment, to be compassionate and kind with ourselves or to judge and be critical. Understanding this as an adult, means we can actively choose to respond to ourselves and others with the kind, understanding, and compassionate voice we would have benefited from in our tender and vulnerable years to heal those hurts and reveal our most authentic self. We can only love others to the degree we are able to love and accept ourselves.
Feeling of frustration that I have been working with these feelings of unworthiness all of my life and I still continue to turn over my worth to the opinion of others-how do I find the feeling within to be content, happy and appreciate who I am and finally allow myself to get out of my own way to be able to live my fullest life and callings.
I felt pain and it brought tears to my eyes. More pain….
Acceptance.
Bringing kindness to any experience dovetails with saying “yes” and allowing into awareness all information, including uncomfortable feelings. One can be openly receptive and kind even while extending important boundaries and limits with others and standing in one’s truth. This activates approach circuitry on the brain and extends our ability to tolerate discomfort, stay open and curious, and flexible. The net result is a sense of presence and calmness in the face of discomfort.
I felt sad
I wanted to cry ?
I felt more calm and a little more peace around all the stress and anxiety. It softened the intensity of the anxiety.
My self kindness is lost
Thank you for making this powerful message available to us. Personally and professionally valuable.
Resentment
I experienced a feeling of calm and hope.
Helpful
I felt like I could handle it
I found my effort to show kindness to what I am feeling has an element of pity to it. Which is like being judgemental. It makes me want to explore that more. I don’t think I was shown real kindness growing up, but more false compassion that had manipulation and control at its heart. Born out of fear and lack of agency and worthiness, by unskilled and wounded parents, a child’s coping mechanism to connect, be accepted and gain approval perhaps. It doesn’t seem like true kindness. But a way to separate myself from what I am wanting to show compassion towards. But it isn’t really compassion if I am having a pitying attitude. As if I can help because I am better than whatever the thing or person is going through. Rather than really being with it, but to act above it. Another layer of separation. Like a dissassociation. Wow!
I like how Tara shares herself and the common thread that we often have of self-judgment. How she offers ways to transform self aversion ‘, beliefs of being flawed to self caring and support.
Thank you for the video. I can see it’s a, step first, of a journey.
I’ve never really been sure of my own mind. I must have been told what I felt/thought as a child bacause I have always struggled to know my own mind.
What I felt in trying to be kind during the video was confusion and frustration, mainly. It’s easier to be kind to others. I’m told I’m an empath.
Thank you Tara. I felt the knot in my stomach begin to release and my breathing was able to go deeper. As with RAIN, this is a wonderful introduction for clients to the power of mindful self compassion for healing. Love your work, Tara! thanks again.
First, thank you so much for generously offering this video and many of your other teachings so that others may benefit freely. Even though I have already “done a lot of inner work”, I know that life will always present challenges. So when I touched base with my current inner state, it was grief that came up once again. Instead of entering into the trance of self-blame for my son’s suicide, as I have the habit of doing, by taking the approach of treating myself as if I was my own best friend, I felt soothed instead of beaten down. Day by day I am healing. This kind of practice really helps. Thank you.
I liked the video very much. I believe in mindfulness and meditation. Use it often in my life and practice
This content is so timely for me! Thank you for offering your wisdom. When I practiced loving kindness toward my inner dialogue, I felt a softening and a release. I realized I had been waiting for someone—anyone—to see me and accept me and show me care, and that I didn’t need to wait. I can experience what I need within my own practice. I’m working through some deep stuff right now, so this was incredibly powerful me in this moment. Thank you.
very brief sigh of relief, followed by quick return of judgmental feelings.
Thank you ❤️? I visualized my current self sitting beside my 6 year old self. I had wrapped my arm around her and was stroking her forehead and warmly loving her. I felt at peace. ?
Thank you for the meditation video. I felt gratitude for the “loving communication” (Jaspers) you shared in the video. Also – we live in a culture that demands judgments and fuels judgments in people – everyday, most of the day. Start within the self – and help make a shift culture.
Resistance … I noticed resistance to self soothing and self kindness. I noticed tightness… and a feeling of “moving away from” when I tried to stay open. I noticed judgement and a feeling of judgement saying “you better make that self compassion class happen or else”… still a heaviness comes over me and a sense of focusing on looking for some sense of worth or validation elsewhere, outside of myself… this is what I noticed… thank you for asking
I felt my heart shift to one of compassion for self and an acceptance for what was happening with me at that moment. Interestingly, I have been practicing embracing my perspective and emotions to be my authentic self and to live truthfully. It’s in direct alignment to the purpose of my upcoming venture – so it is apt to put this in action in my own life and well-being. Thank you.
Srishti
I could not stay with my eyes close. It was hard to be still , I was redirecting my attention to what needed to be done.
It brought a smile to my face.
I softened inside and kind of felt an openness. Now, what to do with that openness? How can I learn to be more true to my true self?
The pain lessens and breathing eases
I had a hard time moving out of my rational mind. Yesterday, I had a cathartic experience of awareness of patterns that cause me hurt and deep disappointment. I still feel kind of raw, my heart zone. I feel synchronicity this video showed up today. I want to engage with this work.
I resist bringing too much softness and kindness to myself because I fear it will make me lazy. The harsh inner critic keeps me disciplined in trying to better myself and my life.
I can extend compassion to anyone but myself. I have genuine regard and appreciation for others, but almost exclusively leave myself in the black hole of being “useless, fat,a procrastinator, not good enough, etc.” It’s exhausting to try to be good enough every day, all the time, and always feel that I’ve failed.
I felt a wave of softening from the centre of my body to my limbs… as the kindness I gave myself helped my muscles to relax.
Thank you so much for your teachings !!!
I felt the beginning of a sense of calm regarding the situation I’m in.
Very accurate of my life description. Grateful for the awareness. A slight shift. I’d like more practice.
I know it’s necessary but it doesn’t come naturally to be kind to myself.
Hi, thank you for sharing your experience. I had severe inner critic in the past, now slowly being more friendly with myself. I felt softness coming in the body together with compassion, but still some sadness for not caring for myself for so long.
I felt a sense of hurt. I’m not sure what or why I felt that way but that’s what I felt if I had to sum it up.
I experienced a sense of gratitude for the decision I made 40 years ago to own and celebrate my queerness as a Gay, non-binary person. This started the process of letting go of the suicidal shame or “trance of unworthiness” over the last 40 years. At 71 years of age I am now confronting the diminishments of aging; the loss of my “career Self” as a retired person and the deaths of my friends and family members with greater compassion & equanimity. As a practicing Quaker & Buddhist, mindfulness, and the regular practice of meditation helps me to Recognize the negative thoughts & feelings I have about my aging body; Allow those thoughts and feelings without resistance; Investigate what is triggering those reactions (usually caused by accepting society’s negative stereotypes of old people) and finally, I Nurture myself with self directed kindness & compassion. Tara Brach introduced me to the process of R.A.I.N. at her weekly meditations / dharma talks on Wednesday evenings in Bethesda, MD. I’m very fortunate to live in Washington, DC where I am blessed to have direct access to multiple Sanghas associated with Tara’s Insight Meditation Community of Washington. She & IMCW have truly enriched my life and are preparing me for my eventual death.
Thanks for sharing your experience… blessings of health to you… much love!
I have recently been overreacting to a believed slight by my change facilitator. I know it is not their fault, it is down to my reaction. Before I could apply reason or logic to this believed slight my feelings where like a dagger through my heart centre! The barriers came up and i felt numb. After this reflection i feel a little looser in my heart centre. Thank you
Hi Tara. Thanks for making this available. Learning to sit with the uncomfortable has a profound impact. It’s always been taught in tough or rough times to ‘suck up, and leave it behind.’ Yeah, that doesn’t really work. Learning mindfulness with awareness and compassion (the former easy, the latter…not so much. Lol) gives life new perspective and fresh understanding. I wish all who wander this path peace and wellbeing.
It felt amazing and comforting and yet a part of me said I was not worthy. I too struggle with the inner critic and find mindfulness and God quells the voice. I have a lot of compassion for others, but, need to have more for myself to grow. Thank you Tara for this reminder to practice more self-compassion.
I had a racing heart and sore neck and shoulders with accompanying headache and I have noticed my tension and stress leave my body and my headache slowly dissipate, thank you ?
I start crying, embrace myself …..feel conected
Experience strong feeling. I cried. Thanks for sharing.
When I tried to bring kindness to what I was experiencing, I felt a warmth and a resistance at the same time. I keep remembering my mother’s words on her deathbed. “We threw you away.” In my heart I always knew this, but tried to ignore the evidence. I have dedicated my life to helping others to feel included and loved, but do I feel worthy of the same love? Not completely….Inside I feel that there is something flawed, something missing.
Hi, Pamela – I resonate deeply with that feeling of not being valued by family. While my mother protected me after having me very late in life, I have grown to realize just how much my older siblings, and even my father to a degree, resented my existence. I have always struggled with feeling ‘worthy’ – of achievements, stable employment, loving relationships – this still dogs me to this day.
I have slowly started to shift my thinking away from feeling trapped by outer judgement and instead look at the value I myself have brought to many with my compassion and intuitive wisdom.
This has made it easier for me to rise above the obvious fear and pain underlying others’ behavior toward me, and it helps to heal my own pain, as well.
It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there.
It brought great emotion, tears, and then a big sigh that may I can be ok and there is hope.
I was struck by the thought that our parents and important early caregivers/influencers teach us, by their example and treatment, to be compassionate and kind with ourselves or to judge and be critical. Understanding this as an adult, means we can actively choose to respond to ourselves and others with the kind, understanding, and compassionate voice we would have benefited from in our tender and vulnerable years to heal those hurts and reveal our most authentic self. We can only love others to the degree we are able to love and accept ourselves.
Hope
Feeling of frustration that I have been working with these feelings of unworthiness all of my life and I still continue to turn over my worth to the opinion of others-how do I find the feeling within to be content, happy and appreciate who I am and finally allow myself to get out of my own way to be able to live my fullest life and callings.