Clear seeing (mindfulness, the truth of what Is going on, presence) and allowing without judgment (caring-one of my favourite words) and I sink into the warm soft arms of compassion. These two wings have changed my life. I still struggle with the many parts of me that are basically frightened and trying to protect me in their young and often painful way, but when I’m faced with inner turmoil, the moment I become aware and stop, ask what’s happening, allow it to be there, let the part know I care about it’s pain, it softens. In all the years of working on my core feelings of unworthiness, nothing has been as helpful as clear seeing and compassion, and I first encountered this from you Tara, many years ago. It never gets old, thank you from the entire committee inside.
Every time I try to get in touch with my feelings with kindness I sob. It’s so much pain and judgement that it’s uncontrollable. The more I try to heal and get better the more painful it gets. It’s been 5 years I’m in a path of healing with meditation and psychotherapy and no luck. I’m losing my hope honestly and trying to understand that maybe that’s just how it is.
Melanie Garcia, Nursing, San Francisco, CA, USAsays
Ah, so difficult, as the trance of unworthiness is so strong. I am choosing courage to be with the wounded parts, and working toward compassion of these areas. Thank you so much for this talk. So critical and with perfect timing.
Inside was some unbelief, and had a brief period of a racing heart…I have been so externally oriented and rejecting of the body, I have become an inhospitable island…or at least a long peninsula to myself, I am in need of traveling home
This is my struggle, and I know it’s a common one. But I feel so alone in it. I would love to be my own best friend. I ache for that to happen so I can stop relying on the approval of others to feel good. But I’m 58 and have spent a lifetime being my harshest judge and biggest hater. I do believe that my heart is good at its core, but the negative voice in my head is so loud rarely gives me the opportunity to hear/see/feel the goodness. I felt the tiniest bit of softening/unclenching in my chest when I focused on bringing kindness to my pain. Thank you.
My “aha” moment was hearing and letting the reaction in to my conscious mind about treating myself the same way I would treat my best friend. It’s something I knew clinically but didn’t act on. Coincidentally this thinking process matches my personal journey within myself to improve my self care and be loving towards myself. These messages and opportunities are showing up everywhere.
This process also reminded me of a the character “Anne of Green Gables” and she is always her best friend – no matter what others think or feel towards her – and it results in her being compassionate and caring towards others not matter how they treat her without letting injustices rule her. An very helpful video, thanks for putting it together.
I loved the concept of being my own best friend – the reference of being as compassionate and nonjudgmental with my own thoughts and behavior as I am with others. When I even thought about bringing kindness to my self-criticism, I softened, and the tightness of body and mind released just enough to see the potential in this practice.
I felt resentment for having to stay home with a sick child. resentment for always being the parent to stay home; thought of work piling up at work. then when i looked at it with kindness for myself, i felt the resentment being carved out; first in one big chunk and then smaller ones until it was so small, that i could stand it.
anna schietzelt, Exercise Physiology, Brooklyn, NY, USAsays
When I bring kindness to my fears I immediately feel a sense of relief and care. It’s like my bigger self is talking to my small self. It feels like resistance melts away
William R., Another Field, Pittsburgh, PA, USAsays
Reinforces what I have experienced lately after decades of self-loathing. The harshness of that relentlessly judgmental inner critic encourages more shame, more repetition of behaviors that appear to offer relief from shame but instead bring only more shame. That voice cons us into believing that it is only looking out for our best interests, only trying to remind us to never become complacent and lazy, to never allow ourselves to get puffed up with self-pride, to be constantly dissatisfied and try harder and never let up. When I started to practice responding with self-kindness, I began to feel at home with myself. I began to believe that being me was not so awful after all. After a lifetime of depression and anxiety and self-hatred, I now experience peace, contentment, and aliveness as never before. Thank you.
Lindsey Chudzik, Social Work, Fort Myers, FL, USAsays
I realized there are many things that I can bring kindness to and the exercise led me to notice many sensations and thoughts I do need to bring kindness to, treat them like I would treat my best friend! Thank you for that, I will incorporate that into my self awareness and daily positive affirmations!
This sort of practice does not work for me due to very ingrained, chronic loneliness and difficult circumstances. However I can see it can be powerful for many, ready to receive.
Thank you for your teaching and kindness.
Beautiful. Thank you so much Tara. I’ve been doing this practice for a while and it surprises me how persistent the critical voice is, how unaware of it I usually am. Nowadays the voice is variations of “you should do ….. you should be able to… it’s your fault…” underneath is a TON of fear.
When I tried to bring kindness to myself during this video, I find myself feeling as if a strong force field is surrounding me. I am isolated from the other self that wants to feel. I feel a pressure in my eyes as if they want to express but nothing happens. I am alone looking outward with disconnection.
Sandra Buecker-Spears, Psychotherapy, Chicago , IL, USAsays
When you ask can I be there/meet these feelings with kindness it feels like a huge relief a break from the harshness that we usually meet these feelings with and it starts to offer a window into what it would be like/will be like to treat ourselves with kindness rather than with this “nasty” old voice that tells us the same bad narrative of ourselves over and over again.
I cried. I feel that i have bien forgoten by my parents since my 10 years old.By circonstances of that time 43 years a go, fondamentaly i though i was not worthy. I didnt have the propre support and love that every child deserve. I pictured a mother who was whispering everything will be allright.
Barbara, your comment jumped out to me. I know that feeling! I want to share the good news hidden in your feelings. You have strength in your personality – old thoughts are digging in their heels. Keep at the mindful self awareness. Eventually that strength will be working for you rather than against you! At first just focus on one spot in that “force field” and nurture the strong woman on the other side in a tiny way. Just recognize the strength mirrored in the strength of the fight against yourself. It’s pretty impressive in strength. Keep as t it, girlfriend. My best friends have all conqued their very strong selves, do I know where you whil end up if you keep at it.
Linda Zucker, Another Field, NEW HAVEN, CT, USAsays
Interested as a I respect Tara Brach in meditations I listen to.
2 deep breathes and thought of kindness not enough to balance the almost “foreboding” response of watching/listening to others unhappiness.
Honestly– I dont find a story of 20yo revelation convincing as this is such a young age and typical time for questioning ones purpose and value. Not the same as 32 or 40 or 58 when accumulated like experiences, changes, responsibilities are part of the equation or trance we carry.
2 breathes good, a whole lot more and a fuller meditation after talk would be helpful.
I dont have time before work to move on to next two videos– but will try later this evening after a stressful day job. I may not be in a place to evaluate this clearly. Then again, if I had less judgment, less anxiety, more self- kindness in place, I might not be watching the video in the first place.
Not a practitioner/mental health care professional– watching as a person who meditates and seeks greater mindful balance in life and opening/return to creativity both professional and personal.
I can identify entirely with your story. The only difference is that I am 83 not 22!! On the surface I have been highly successful in my career as a behavioral health provider and Administrator. Yet I feel much of a failure because I didn’t do more. I am very hard on myself, get depressed when I don’t take the actions what I know I should because I can’t muster up the courage to take the risk of rejection etc.etc. Then comes the self hate, depression, anger at self etc. What a mess!
Tara, I have heard you tell this personal story many times in your talks. I hear it, I understand it, and I continue to struggle bridging this idea of self compassion from my head to my heart. I am making some progress in awareness, and notice that my personal trance of unworthiness is a knee jerk reaction.
Remembering to keep coming back to myself, your calm warm voice and those questions made such a difference – an invitation to myself rather than a harsh voice or a ‘should’.
It felt hopeful to bring kindness to my experience, though that was only a moment ago! I have re-read the first two chapters of Radical Acceptance several times and always struggled with the concept of “the trance of unworthiness.” This video is hopeful because Tara links the concept of “the trance” to an antidote, being true to oneself. I want to watch this video several times before moving on to the next one!
THANK YOU!
I was extremely surprised at the depth of the sense of unworthiness, and also that first I am not sure how to be kind since my judgment voice has been so loud in every facet of my being to not just myself but in the greater world. Then I pictured a soft kind teacher in place of me to teach me kindness and I softened. Thank you!
When I opened to what is happening in my life right now and I asked myself can I be with this with kindness-I felt hopeful? Thank you Tara for this amazing short but insightful video.
It felt hard to be kind and compassionate. My inner critic is strong and powerful. I have given it so much strength over time. Perhaps I need to look at him (it’s a him somehow) and befriend him but I’m not sure how. He’s super tough on me. Like a low grade fever. Always there.
I woke up feeling anxious and my heart racing. Had a disagreement with partner, when i tried your exercise I felt a little wave of calmness ripple thru me. I would like to learn more because I know I’m worthy just can’t stop the cycle of being terrible to myself.
I think I needed MUCH more time just to quiet all the voices. Fear immediately came to my mind but reverting to kindness in the midst of all these painful/uncomfortable emotions seemed virtually impossible. Be my own best friend? It sounds blissful. Yet entirely out of reach. That said, I know this is a path I must follow and stay on but feels rather lonely much of the time.
What was happening was a feeling of heaviness in my torso, my gut…a fullness. Feeling weighted down. When I responded to “ can I be with this” I felt this heavy area lighten.
Joanne Cavaliero, Nursing, Rolling Meadows , IL, USAsays
As a nurse, I am always kind and compassionate to others. However I feel selfish when I try to give myself these same feelings. I have done this my entire life, personally and professionally. Now in retirement I need to care for myself, but don’t know how to begin.
Was amazing way of reflecting on how to change transform beliefs and feelings of anxiety and depression. Showing there’s light end of the tunnel with your heart space. Thanks
When I bring compassion to myself, I end up feeling more compassionate for others. When I forgive myself for my mistakes and flaws, I see that others are human, have made mistakes, and have flaws too; and I am able to forgive them. If I can be kind to myself, I can be kind to others.
Debbie Hauser, Another Field, Middletown, NY, USAsays
When I tried to bring kindness to what I was experiencing (fear and insecurity ), for a moment I felt a sense of calmness and comfort come oover my heart. It started to bring tears to my eyes.. But rather than stay focused on my own compassion, I begin to think about how I can help others using this technique. I went back to thinking about touching a wounded part of me, but I continue to waver between the moment of comfort in the moment of not wanting to focus on myself.
Clear seeing (mindfulness, the truth of what Is going on, presence) and allowing without judgment (caring-one of my favourite words) and I sink into the warm soft arms of compassion. These two wings have changed my life. I still struggle with the many parts of me that are basically frightened and trying to protect me in their young and often painful way, but when I’m faced with inner turmoil, the moment I become aware and stop, ask what’s happening, allow it to be there, let the part know I care about it’s pain, it softens. In all the years of working on my core feelings of unworthiness, nothing has been as helpful as clear seeing and compassion, and I first encountered this from you Tara, many years ago. It never gets old, thank you from the entire committee inside.
It was a wonderful reminder to “be with it” instead of fighting it
Every time I try to get in touch with my feelings with kindness I sob. It’s so much pain and judgement that it’s uncontrollable. The more I try to heal and get better the more painful it gets. It’s been 5 years I’m in a path of healing with meditation and psychotherapy and no luck. I’m losing my hope honestly and trying to understand that maybe that’s just how it is.
I wanted to hug myself. As if I was a child. And tell her that it would be ok and she wasn’t alone.
Ah, so difficult, as the trance of unworthiness is so strong. I am choosing courage to be with the wounded parts, and working toward compassion of these areas. Thank you so much for this talk. So critical and with perfect timing.
Inside was some unbelief, and had a brief period of a racing heart…I have been so externally oriented and rejecting of the body, I have become an inhospitable island…or at least a long peninsula to myself, I am in need of traveling home
I was able to get in touch with a feeling of real warmth and compassion for myself.
Caring for myself seemed “selfish” at first, yet really is the first step in caring for others….
I felt a softening. It allowed me to go deeper into the feeling without judgement or trying to remove it.
My idea is that more compassionate towards myself, the same way, I care for others.
This is my struggle, and I know it’s a common one. But I feel so alone in it. I would love to be my own best friend. I ache for that to happen so I can stop relying on the approval of others to feel good. But I’m 58 and have spent a lifetime being my harshest judge and biggest hater. I do believe that my heart is good at its core, but the negative voice in my head is so loud rarely gives me the opportunity to hear/see/feel the goodness. I felt the tiniest bit of softening/unclenching in my chest when I focused on bringing kindness to my pain. Thank you.
My “aha” moment was hearing and letting the reaction in to my conscious mind about treating myself the same way I would treat my best friend. It’s something I knew clinically but didn’t act on. Coincidentally this thinking process matches my personal journey within myself to improve my self care and be loving towards myself. These messages and opportunities are showing up everywhere.
This process also reminded me of a the character “Anne of Green Gables” and she is always her best friend – no matter what others think or feel towards her – and it results in her being compassionate and caring towards others not matter how they treat her without letting injustices rule her. An very helpful video, thanks for putting it together.
I became aware of my tiredness and was able to say it’s ok to be tired and just accept it.
I loved the concept of being my own best friend – the reference of being as compassionate and nonjudgmental with my own thoughts and behavior as I am with others. When I even thought about bringing kindness to my self-criticism, I softened, and the tightness of body and mind released just enough to see the potential in this practice.
I have massive fears. I brought kindness in and felt such comfort, amusement and understanding. Wow. Thank you. Julia❤️
I felt resentment for having to stay home with a sick child. resentment for always being the parent to stay home; thought of work piling up at work. then when i looked at it with kindness for myself, i felt the resentment being carved out; first in one big chunk and then smaller ones until it was so small, that i could stand it.
When I bring kindness to my fears I immediately feel a sense of relief and care. It’s like my bigger self is talking to my small self. It feels like resistance melts away
Reinforces what I have experienced lately after decades of self-loathing. The harshness of that relentlessly judgmental inner critic encourages more shame, more repetition of behaviors that appear to offer relief from shame but instead bring only more shame. That voice cons us into believing that it is only looking out for our best interests, only trying to remind us to never become complacent and lazy, to never allow ourselves to get puffed up with self-pride, to be constantly dissatisfied and try harder and never let up. When I started to practice responding with self-kindness, I began to feel at home with myself. I began to believe that being me was not so awful after all. After a lifetime of depression and anxiety and self-hatred, I now experience peace, contentment, and aliveness as never before. Thank you.
I realized there are many things that I can bring kindness to and the exercise led me to notice many sensations and thoughts I do need to bring kindness to, treat them like I would treat my best friend! Thank you for that, I will incorporate that into my self awareness and daily positive affirmations!
This sort of practice does not work for me due to very ingrained, chronic loneliness and difficult circumstances. However I can see it can be powerful for many, ready to receive.
Thank you for your teaching and kindness.
Beautiful. Thank you so much Tara. I’ve been doing this practice for a while and it surprises me how persistent the critical voice is, how unaware of it I usually am. Nowadays the voice is variations of “you should do ….. you should be able to… it’s your fault…” underneath is a TON of fear.
I realised what emotion came up every time.
I realised what emotion came up every time.
I felt a slight easing in a feeling of inner constriction.
I felt the strength of the feeling was lessened. Less intense.
I feel like more practice is needed to fully embrace kindness. I can feel kindness in my head but other feelings alongside.
When I tried to bring kindness to myself during this video, I find myself feeling as if a strong force field is surrounding me. I am isolated from the other self that wants to feel. I feel a pressure in my eyes as if they want to express but nothing happens. I am alone looking outward with disconnection.
When you ask can I be there/meet these feelings with kindness it feels like a huge relief a break from the harshness that we usually meet these feelings with and it starts to offer a window into what it would be like/will be like to treat ourselves with kindness rather than with this “nasty” old voice that tells us the same bad narrative of ourselves over and over again.
I cried. I feel that i have bien forgoten by my parents since my 10 years old.By circonstances of that time 43 years a go, fondamentaly i though i was not worthy. I didnt have the propre support and love that every child deserve. I pictured a mother who was whispering everything will be allright.
Barbara, your comment jumped out to me. I know that feeling! I want to share the good news hidden in your feelings. You have strength in your personality – old thoughts are digging in their heels. Keep at the mindful self awareness. Eventually that strength will be working for you rather than against you! At first just focus on one spot in that “force field” and nurture the strong woman on the other side in a tiny way. Just recognize the strength mirrored in the strength of the fight against yourself. It’s pretty impressive in strength. Keep as t it, girlfriend. My best friends have all conqued their very strong selves, do I know where you whil end up if you keep at it.
Interested as a I respect Tara Brach in meditations I listen to.
2 deep breathes and thought of kindness not enough to balance the almost “foreboding” response of watching/listening to others unhappiness.
Honestly– I dont find a story of 20yo revelation convincing as this is such a young age and typical time for questioning ones purpose and value. Not the same as 32 or 40 or 58 when accumulated like experiences, changes, responsibilities are part of the equation or trance we carry.
2 breathes good, a whole lot more and a fuller meditation after talk would be helpful.
I dont have time before work to move on to next two videos– but will try later this evening after a stressful day job. I may not be in a place to evaluate this clearly. Then again, if I had less judgment, less anxiety, more self- kindness in place, I might not be watching the video in the first place.
Not a practitioner/mental health care professional– watching as a person who meditates and seeks greater mindful balance in life and opening/return to creativity both professional and personal.
I can identify entirely with your story. The only difference is that I am 83 not 22!! On the surface I have been highly successful in my career as a behavioral health provider and Administrator. Yet I feel much of a failure because I didn’t do more. I am very hard on myself, get depressed when I don’t take the actions what I know I should because I can’t muster up the courage to take the risk of rejection etc.etc. Then comes the self hate, depression, anger at self etc. What a mess!
Tara, I have heard you tell this personal story many times in your talks. I hear it, I understand it, and I continue to struggle bridging this idea of self compassion from my head to my heart. I am making some progress in awareness, and notice that my personal trance of unworthiness is a knee jerk reaction.
Remembering to keep coming back to myself, your calm warm voice and those questions made such a difference – an invitation to myself rather than a harsh voice or a ‘should’.
It felt hopeful to bring kindness to my experience, though that was only a moment ago! I have re-read the first two chapters of Radical Acceptance several times and always struggled with the concept of “the trance of unworthiness.” This video is hopeful because Tara links the concept of “the trance” to an antidote, being true to oneself. I want to watch this video several times before moving on to the next one!
THANK YOU!
The 2 questions centred me…and I heard them!
Nothing. Emptiness continued
I suddenly experienced warmth, comfort and peace. ?
I was extremely surprised at the depth of the sense of unworthiness, and also that first I am not sure how to be kind since my judgment voice has been so loud in every facet of my being to not just myself but in the greater world. Then I pictured a soft kind teacher in place of me to teach me kindness and I softened. Thank you!
When I opened to what is happening in my life right now and I asked myself can I be with this with kindness-I felt hopeful? Thank you Tara for this amazing short but insightful video.
When I brought my attention into the anxiousness in my body, I didn’t feel alone. I felt myself being with myself and it felt comforting.
I smiled. I became aware of the crickets singing and the dog barking in the distance. I was grateful for the moment and the life around me.
It felt hard to be kind and compassionate. My inner critic is strong and powerful. I have given it so much strength over time. Perhaps I need to look at him (it’s a him somehow) and befriend him but I’m not sure how. He’s super tough on me. Like a low grade fever. Always there.
I woke up feeling anxious and my heart racing. Had a disagreement with partner, when i tried your exercise I felt a little wave of calmness ripple thru me. I would like to learn more because I know I’m worthy just can’t stop the cycle of being terrible to myself.
I think I needed MUCH more time just to quiet all the voices. Fear immediately came to my mind but reverting to kindness in the midst of all these painful/uncomfortable emotions seemed virtually impossible. Be my own best friend? It sounds blissful. Yet entirely out of reach. That said, I know this is a path I must follow and stay on but feels rather lonely much of the time.
I felt a calmness within and sense of accomplishment and positive regard for who I am.
What was happening was a feeling of heaviness in my torso, my gut…a fullness. Feeling weighted down. When I responded to “ can I be with this” I felt this heavy area lighten.
As a nurse, I am always kind and compassionate to others. However I feel selfish when I try to give myself these same feelings. I have done this my entire life, personally and professionally. Now in retirement I need to care for myself, but don’t know how to begin.
Was amazing way of reflecting on how to change transform beliefs and feelings of anxiety and depression. Showing there’s light end of the tunnel with your heart space. Thanks
When I bring compassion to myself, I end up feeling more compassionate for others. When I forgive myself for my mistakes and flaws, I see that others are human, have made mistakes, and have flaws too; and I am able to forgive them. If I can be kind to myself, I can be kind to others.
When I tried to bring kindness to what I was experiencing (fear and insecurity ), for a moment I felt a sense of calmness and comfort come oover my heart. It started to bring tears to my eyes.. But rather than stay focused on my own compassion, I begin to think about how I can help others using this technique. I went back to thinking about touching a wounded part of me, but I continue to waver between the moment of comfort in the moment of not wanting to focus on myself.