I felt more than a bit more comfortable with a recent decision and allowed myself to feel. Just feel with love and compassion. Acknowledge the unworthiness I feel on a daily basis. I also tried to find where it was manifesting in my body. Heart and stomach area.
When I was with my feeling of un worthiness, and went into it with loving kindness, it felt as though it completely disappeared and I was filled with pure love. I hopefully can do this more often! Tara you are incredible and have changed my life for the better!
Thank you dear Tara. I listened to your Radical Self-Acceptance CD almost every day last year as I drove to a job I found very challenging, especially in terms of self-acceptance. It helped me to stay sane! This evening, when I brought kindness to my discomfort there was a softening and a release of tears. I’ve been holding anxiety and feelings of unworthiness (with generous sprinklings of negative judgement) about a forthcoming teacher-training course. I’ll try this again over the next few days. Thank you.
When I brought kindness in,all the issues And uncomfortable feelings I was having about our three week journey softened. We are traveling and I am tired and ready to go home but have another week to go. Tired of the food etc… I find myself judging me for being this way. Softening into the moment and sending kindness to self helps. Can’t really just go home yet and knowing all is well. Very good timing. Thank you ?
I so identify with your description of self aversion and deep knowing that I am not worthy. It feels so true. When I tried to bring kindness in this mindfulness exercise, i felt a lack of any strong emotion. It was a sense of it isn’t possible to feel kindness in this moment with this truth. And then I felt deep sadness. I look forward to the second video.
Self-compassion brings a feeling of expansion and space for the terribly contracted state of severe anxiety. I am experiencing hours of intense and debilitating anxiety daily. Sometimes it tips into outright panic and hyperventilation. I am gradually bringing mindfulness breath into morning routines. It is beginning to help open my mind to the possibility that this anxiety won’t last forever. Early days. I sit in child’s pose or hold my heart area and bring self-lov. That feels amazing.
Pat Simpsom, Psychotherapy, Chesapeake Beach, MD, USAsays
Hi Tara,
I used your model on a personal experience and I felt the softening of my heart…and my gut reactions. Thank you for the reminder to practice on myself. We caregivers must remember that when we have our best intention for healing for ourselves, we are better at our jobs.
Namaste’
I feel resistance, my ego wants to remain strong and see no weakness. I guess it sees kindness as a weakness, that I should be better and stronger, and since I am showing “weakness” that I am not better nor stronger so therefore unworthy.
I have been working on this aspect, so I am supper excited about seeing what else you have to share with us. Thank you.
the kindness stopped the monster wave of pain – it usually takes over and rises and there’s no way out but to drown in the tears and the pain that it brings – so with your video when prompted I went to the darker place of unworthiness and said “kindness “ and it stopped – it softened – it disappeared
I feel a lot of anger lately — and I love using your RAIN tool to get in touch
with this emotion. My life is not going the way I wish it were –
and I know that I need to accept where I’m at and be kind to myself.
Thanks for reminding me!
After first thinking that I was doing pretty well in most areas, I realized that a warm, affectionate relationship with a significant other is the major thing I feel unworthy of. Picking people that are unavailable emotionally.
I was feeling very anxious before started watching the video. When I tried to be kind to my experience of anxiousness, it brought some peace in my heart. Anxiousness is not gone completely, but by becoming aware of it made me come out of my thinking loop and take care of my anxiousness. It felt like a little kid doing things to get attention of mom. Thanks Tara.
This was a beautiful experience and meditation. I have a very strong daily practice but at age 70 I recently experienced a resurgence of things I thought i had overcome. But there is still much more to work with, and the trance of unworthiness is a core issue for me. My grown children are constantly reminding me of how unworthy they see me and I am absorbing their judgements and the judgements of my social structure in regards to aging women. I need to step back from this and refocus my claim on self love and compassion. Thank you for helping me do this today!
I suffer from an overwhelming sense of not being really loved. I’ve been working on this for years with therapy and mindfulness, meditation. I’m alone at 66, have two adult children, one who is estranged with my only grandchild, and another who’s never married and lives on the other side of the country. When speaking to him about moving closer,
I get a sense he’d prefer we not, although he denies it. I have 6 siblings, all younger who live elsewhere and we rarely communicate. Have no real friends, just colleagues. Watching this video made me cry. Finding self compassion is difficult when you’ve been made to feel by others that you’re not worthy.
Wow i hope you can speak to your judgemental kids & let them know their behavior & disrespect towards you is NOT OK, not acceptable & they will be 70 one day soon too! Besides 79 is the new 50! Wow going thru a bad divorce from a covert narc. My license for my nursing out of date, mom died & cut me & my son from her trust…., i felt completely destroyed & too old, struggling health to start over again. Especially in California’s nutty economy. Rejected, driven to poverty by BAD judges & malicious husband & his mistress. I felt no hope. You have hit the nail on the head of the issue! You have spoke with clear & tangible evidence & interventions! ??? yes i see the DOUBLE STANDARD & bias against women is worse today! The only thing acceptable is throwing our derrières back to work- Heaven forbid we get sick (we have a way more delicate immune system, orchestra of hormonal balance, grow human beings in our small bodies, put our heart & souls into our judgy, superficial kids). Even a woman’s thyroid has fewer receptors in it & why women are prone to have thyroid diseases while most men don’t! I get it! Same boat
Thank you for your reply. I have discussed my children’s behavior with them and all it does is alienate them more. They get defensive and angry. I’ve learned the hard way that being honest with how you feel does not usually work. With anyone. Unless they see things from your perspective. And most only see things from their own. I’m learning too that acceptance of what is, although very hard, is the only way to get past the pain and suffering. It comes and goes.
Aarow Ellis, Another Field, Sandpoint, ID, USAsays
There was at first some push back to say that I was not worthy of the kindness or that I was being overly sensitive. Then as I went deeper and stayed with it the sadness became deeper but the kindness was like a cloak of warmth that pulled me in and held me close, breaking the trance of unworthiness to feel a sense of being welcomed in.
I am kind of familiar with this approach, and have some success when the fear is not as big as the current one. My current fear is a far from unrealistic financial one, and I am a person with MS. I am dependent upon a person who does way more for me than I wish he had to. I was always fiercely independent and as you describe yourself in your 20s. etc Lonely, depressed But now I am a disabled, dependent senior with financial worries. Any of the ways our of our situation, in terms of lessening the financial burden require much effort, and I can be of little help.
When I try and bring kindness to myself, I have to become “Jimmy” to receive that kindness. It seems like “Jim” is incapable. As if the kid me is not at fault but the adult me is. I really struggle with self- love and self- forgiveness. I’m 58 now. On the outside. Seeing myself as an 8 year old in a 58 year old body is really the only thing that seems to produce some positive results for me. Thanks.
It shifted my mood: to an uplifting hopeful one!
thinking to myself:
I’m gonna have a nice shower
And a tender evening
(Instead of focusing on the negative)
I feel a deep sense of allowing myself to be human. I was basically in a type of hostage situation in my own home from the ages of 13 to 19 and experienced a lot of violence. I had PTSD from the ages of 19 to 31 that affected all areas of my life, friendships, social, educational, professional, romantic. Then at 31 my body broke down and I spent 13 months off work, mainly frozen in a foetal position and doing a lot of therapy, that was in 2011/2. I went back to work but had chronic fatigue, so four years of part time work went by and I still felt trapped by my past. Since 2016 after an attack of anxiety that meant I quit my job, I have been living in my mothers attic. I have been Reading Edith Eger’s work The Choice, which took her ten years to write. She said of her work that she neiter wants to be treated as superhuman nor sub human, just human. I’ve been through a lot. My body and brain has. I’ve also dealt with other people fear and misunderstanding that for a long time informed my view of myself. But in all honesty I know that I reacted and coped was the only way, the human way. More than ever, especially since the MeToo movement I thin people are beginning to get a better glimpse of what trauma is. I am no different from any other PTSD survivor. I am glad I’m still here. I’m 39, I have no financial assets, I’m single, I don’t have a partner, I live with family but I’m glad I’m here and I hope to find love.
Anna. So weldone for your strength and courage. I also have a complex PTSD from severe enduring experiences throughout childhood into adulthood. In fact you describe so well the re-traumatising that continues into adult life. It is devastating to start realising how it has affected almost everything that subsequently happens in your life as a human. Yes, you broke down completely and I recognise those terrifying experiences. Tara Brach, Gabor Mate, Peter Levine and many more are thankfully throwing light onto this mostly hidden but very widespread condition that deeply affects mind body and spirit. I’m in the process of processing the past agony (protracted psychic childbirth!) and gradually pulling mindfulness practice in to create a new reality. I wish you so well x
Can I be with this?
I love this question as a way inside
It’s one thing to notice but noticing that next step of “being with” certainly opens the door to self expectance.
It is much easier to notice and think that’s enough and move on to distract or be done.
I like this question so much for promoting a resilient place of growth.
Oh, Tara – this is simple, yet beautiful. Thank you. I tried it and it got to the core of an old belief from childhood. It made me more compassionate for that little girl inside me who was compelled to believe something for fear of being abandoned. No wonder it has stuck with me for decades!
Apply the word and intention of kindness allowed me to see that certain thoughts contained judgement and then to release judgement and feel relaxed in my body. Now these thoughts are things to be acknowledged, such as grief over the loss of a person close to me. Other thoughts raised concerns which could be problem-solved instead of applying blame for not attending to them as yet.
I’m going to play this to my client tomorrow. She suffers from the exact symptoms described by Tara and it will be good for my client to hear this from a well-known authority in the field.
Thank you, Tara. You are always my hero and your Tara Talks helped me through the darkest time of my life. I still hear the theme music in my head and immediately feel a sigh of peace come over me when I think of your gentle voice calming my anxieties and showing me the way forward through the darkness.
I use the R.A.I.N.approach that I learnt on your course both with myself and with my clients for deep healing.
It’s the greatest sense of being with a Higher Power a most Merciful presence that holds and soothes
A natural most peaceful way to you, because you know you can trust
Hi Tara,
I felt a shift when I asked myself to be with this feeling of loneliness. And that shift was accompanied with a deep breath and sigh.
Love,
MaryLou
James Colberg, Counseling, Klamath falls, OR, USAsays
I find that even though I serve others it is still about me. I want to get to a place that it is not about me. I want to live in my purpose. I want to be mindful when I am being self serving so that I can change my intentions. I am in search of my next level of enlightenment. I do not want to be judgmental of myself or others.
Pat Proulx-Lough, Marriage/Family Therapy, Portland, ME, USAsays
Great exercise! When I tried to bring compassion to my self and my flaw/issue, I found I was better abled to deal with the issue: multiple possibilities presented themselves, rather than remaining blocked to possibilities.
I cried. This has been a plague all my life and it has come back stronger than ever. I was able to quiet it own for a long time, but I guess didn’t deal with it.
Bradley Bentson, Another Field, Fort Myers, FL, USAsays
The deep sense of futility that is at the core of my anxiety and depression maintained its position very strongly when I tried your exercise. Like you mentioned, a lot of evidence… That, and a lot of time stuck in this state of frustration and self judgement. Add to it evidence that this is just the way life is, and people will always be flawed enough to make awareness a very uncomfortable thing.
JoANn JAcques, Another Field, San Diego, CA, USAsays
I am living with an increasing intimacy with the “committee” inside my mind that runs my internal, constant dialog of self-deficiency (and other-deficiency). Stopping to recognize the “self” that is the object and victim of this dialog, seems to automatically evoke compassion for her. And allowing what is to be, also has grown a sense of faith – that harbors trust in both whatever arises and my reaction to it. My faith in being a part in a greater reality that is ultimately good is key to my healing.
julianna roosevelt, Counseling, irvine, CA, USAsays
A softening occurs, not just physically in the shoulders, down the arms into the hands but emotionally as I see me heart, a cold craggy mountain bathed in warm sunlight. Feelings, like moss appear.
I felt more than a bit more comfortable with a recent decision and allowed myself to feel. Just feel with love and compassion. Acknowledge the unworthiness I feel on a daily basis. I also tried to find where it was manifesting in my body. Heart and stomach area.
When I was with my feeling of un worthiness, and went into it with loving kindness, it felt as though it completely disappeared and I was filled with pure love. I hopefully can do this more often! Tara you are incredible and have changed my life for the better!
I felt a feeling of love and empathy for myself.
Thank you dear Tara. I listened to your Radical Self-Acceptance CD almost every day last year as I drove to a job I found very challenging, especially in terms of self-acceptance. It helped me to stay sane! This evening, when I brought kindness to my discomfort there was a softening and a release of tears. I’ve been holding anxiety and feelings of unworthiness (with generous sprinklings of negative judgement) about a forthcoming teacher-training course. I’ll try this again over the next few days. Thank you.
When I brought kindness in,all the issues And uncomfortable feelings I was having about our three week journey softened. We are traveling and I am tired and ready to go home but have another week to go. Tired of the food etc… I find myself judging me for being this way. Softening into the moment and sending kindness to self helps. Can’t really just go home yet and knowing all is well. Very good timing. Thank you ?
A wonderful basic first step. I love you and your work Tara.??❤️
I so identify with your description of self aversion and deep knowing that I am not worthy. It feels so true. When I tried to bring kindness in this mindfulness exercise, i felt a lack of any strong emotion. It was a sense of it isn’t possible to feel kindness in this moment with this truth. And then I felt deep sadness. I look forward to the second video.
When I brought kindness to my anxious feelings they dissolved and I returned to a self which felt more competent.
Self-compassion brings a feeling of expansion and space for the terribly contracted state of severe anxiety. I am experiencing hours of intense and debilitating anxiety daily. Sometimes it tips into outright panic and hyperventilation. I am gradually bringing mindfulness breath into morning routines. It is beginning to help open my mind to the possibility that this anxiety won’t last forever. Early days. I sit in child’s pose or hold my heart area and bring self-lov. That feels amazing.
Increased confidence with peaceful feelings.
I can feel your heart…beautiful
Hi Tara,
I used your model on a personal experience and I felt the softening of my heart…and my gut reactions. Thank you for the reminder to practice on myself. We caregivers must remember that when we have our best intention for healing for ourselves, we are better at our jobs.
Namaste’
I feel resistance, my ego wants to remain strong and see no weakness. I guess it sees kindness as a weakness, that I should be better and stronger, and since I am showing “weakness” that I am not better nor stronger so therefore unworthy.
I have been working on this aspect, so I am supper excited about seeing what else you have to share with us. Thank you.
The simple thought of self-compassion is alien and actually painful.
the kindness stopped the monster wave of pain – it usually takes over and rises and there’s no way out but to drown in the tears and the pain that it brings – so with your video when prompted I went to the darker place of unworthiness and said “kindness “ and it stopped – it softened – it disappeared
If I am to offer kindness to myself undeserving self, what can I say to feel it internally?
I feel a lot of anger lately — and I love using your RAIN tool to get in touch
with this emotion. My life is not going the way I wish it were –
and I know that I need to accept where I’m at and be kind to myself.
Thanks for reminding me!
After first thinking that I was doing pretty well in most areas, I realized that a warm, affectionate relationship with a significant other is the major thing I feel unworthy of. Picking people that are unavailable emotionally.
I was feeling very anxious before started watching the video. When I tried to be kind to my experience of anxiousness, it brought some peace in my heart. Anxiousness is not gone completely, but by becoming aware of it made me come out of my thinking loop and take care of my anxiousness. It felt like a little kid doing things to get attention of mom. Thanks Tara.
Suddenly I felt I accepted whatever the outcome would be – peaceful, rather than fear
I had a feeling of aloneness which lightened when I gave that feeling compassion.
Janet.
This was a beautiful experience and meditation. I have a very strong daily practice but at age 70 I recently experienced a resurgence of things I thought i had overcome. But there is still much more to work with, and the trance of unworthiness is a core issue for me. My grown children are constantly reminding me of how unworthy they see me and I am absorbing their judgements and the judgements of my social structure in regards to aging women. I need to step back from this and refocus my claim on self love and compassion. Thank you for helping me do this today!
I suffer from an overwhelming sense of not being really loved. I’ve been working on this for years with therapy and mindfulness, meditation. I’m alone at 66, have two adult children, one who is estranged with my only grandchild, and another who’s never married and lives on the other side of the country. When speaking to him about moving closer,
I get a sense he’d prefer we not, although he denies it. I have 6 siblings, all younger who live elsewhere and we rarely communicate. Have no real friends, just colleagues. Watching this video made me cry. Finding self compassion is difficult when you’ve been made to feel by others that you’re not worthy.
Wow i hope you can speak to your judgemental kids & let them know their behavior & disrespect towards you is NOT OK, not acceptable & they will be 70 one day soon too! Besides 79 is the new 50! Wow going thru a bad divorce from a covert narc. My license for my nursing out of date, mom died & cut me & my son from her trust…., i felt completely destroyed & too old, struggling health to start over again. Especially in California’s nutty economy. Rejected, driven to poverty by BAD judges & malicious husband & his mistress. I felt no hope. You have hit the nail on the head of the issue! You have spoke with clear & tangible evidence & interventions! ??? yes i see the DOUBLE STANDARD & bias against women is worse today! The only thing acceptable is throwing our derrières back to work- Heaven forbid we get sick (we have a way more delicate immune system, orchestra of hormonal balance, grow human beings in our small bodies, put our heart & souls into our judgy, superficial kids). Even a woman’s thyroid has fewer receptors in it & why women are prone to have thyroid diseases while most men don’t! I get it! Same boat
Thank you for your reply. I have discussed my children’s behavior with them and all it does is alienate them more. They get defensive and angry. I’ve learned the hard way that being honest with how you feel does not usually work. With anyone. Unless they see things from your perspective. And most only see things from their own. I’m learning too that acceptance of what is, although very hard, is the only way to get past the pain and suffering. It comes and goes.
I was feeling disconnected from the self offering compassion . Not trustworthy and very skeptical. A divided self .
loved it ….
There was at first some push back to say that I was not worthy of the kindness or that I was being overly sensitive. Then as I went deeper and stayed with it the sadness became deeper but the kindness was like a cloak of warmth that pulled me in and held me close, breaking the trance of unworthiness to feel a sense of being welcomed in.
I am kind of familiar with this approach, and have some success when the fear is not as big as the current one. My current fear is a far from unrealistic financial one, and I am a person with MS. I am dependent upon a person who does way more for me than I wish he had to. I was always fiercely independent and as you describe yourself in your 20s. etc Lonely, depressed But now I am a disabled, dependent senior with financial worries. Any of the ways our of our situation, in terms of lessening the financial burden require much effort, and I can be of little help.
I experience a lightness of spirit and an easing of physical tension. I appreciate your insights Tara.
When I try and bring kindness to myself, I have to become “Jimmy” to receive that kindness. It seems like “Jim” is incapable. As if the kid me is not at fault but the adult me is. I really struggle with self- love and self- forgiveness. I’m 58 now. On the outside. Seeing myself as an 8 year old in a 58 year old body is really the only thing that seems to produce some positive results for me. Thanks.
It shifted my mood: to an uplifting hopeful one!
thinking to myself:
I’m gonna have a nice shower
And a tender evening
(Instead of focusing on the negative)
Offering care!!
Thank you oo
I feel a deep sense of allowing myself to be human. I was basically in a type of hostage situation in my own home from the ages of 13 to 19 and experienced a lot of violence. I had PTSD from the ages of 19 to 31 that affected all areas of my life, friendships, social, educational, professional, romantic. Then at 31 my body broke down and I spent 13 months off work, mainly frozen in a foetal position and doing a lot of therapy, that was in 2011/2. I went back to work but had chronic fatigue, so four years of part time work went by and I still felt trapped by my past. Since 2016 after an attack of anxiety that meant I quit my job, I have been living in my mothers attic. I have been Reading Edith Eger’s work The Choice, which took her ten years to write. She said of her work that she neiter wants to be treated as superhuman nor sub human, just human. I’ve been through a lot. My body and brain has. I’ve also dealt with other people fear and misunderstanding that for a long time informed my view of myself. But in all honesty I know that I reacted and coped was the only way, the human way. More than ever, especially since the MeToo movement I thin people are beginning to get a better glimpse of what trauma is. I am no different from any other PTSD survivor. I am glad I’m still here. I’m 39, I have no financial assets, I’m single, I don’t have a partner, I live with family but I’m glad I’m here and I hope to find love.
Anna. So weldone for your strength and courage. I also have a complex PTSD from severe enduring experiences throughout childhood into adulthood. In fact you describe so well the re-traumatising that continues into adult life. It is devastating to start realising how it has affected almost everything that subsequently happens in your life as a human. Yes, you broke down completely and I recognise those terrifying experiences. Tara Brach, Gabor Mate, Peter Levine and many more are thankfully throwing light onto this mostly hidden but very widespread condition that deeply affects mind body and spirit. I’m in the process of processing the past agony (protracted psychic childbirth!) and gradually pulling mindfulness practice in to create a new reality. I wish you so well x
Felt a LOT of resistance.
Can I be with this?
I love this question as a way inside
It’s one thing to notice but noticing that next step of “being with” certainly opens the door to self expectance.
It is much easier to notice and think that’s enough and move on to distract or be done.
I like this question so much for promoting a resilient place of growth.
Oh, Tara – this is simple, yet beautiful. Thank you. I tried it and it got to the core of an old belief from childhood. It made me more compassionate for that little girl inside me who was compelled to believe something for fear of being abandoned. No wonder it has stuck with me for decades!
The pain i feel fleared , I cant seem to show myself or feel kindness towards myself.
Apply the word and intention of kindness allowed me to see that certain thoughts contained judgement and then to release judgement and feel relaxed in my body. Now these thoughts are things to be acknowledged, such as grief over the loss of a person close to me. Other thoughts raised concerns which could be problem-solved instead of applying blame for not attending to them as yet.
I’m going to play this to my client tomorrow. She suffers from the exact symptoms described by Tara and it will be good for my client to hear this from a well-known authority in the field.
Thank you, Tara. You are always my hero and your Tara Talks helped me through the darkest time of my life. I still hear the theme music in my head and immediately feel a sigh of peace come over me when I think of your gentle voice calming my anxieties and showing me the way forward through the darkness.
I use the R.A.I.N.approach that I learnt on your course both with myself and with my clients for deep healing.
I look forward to the next Part.
Colleen
It’s the greatest sense of being with a Higher Power a most Merciful presence that holds and soothes
A natural most peaceful way to you, because you know you can trust
Hi Tara,
I felt a shift when I asked myself to be with this feeling of loneliness. And that shift was accompanied with a deep breath and sigh.
Love,
MaryLou
I am not able to show myself kindness. I am trying but think the next video should help more.
Sometimes I realise how harsh I am on myself. Lots of pressure at the moment, so need to reboot the self love. Thanks.
I echo this sentiment! Thanks for sharing. I will make a point to repeat this exercise even once per hour until it becomes easier
Got this part down….but the feeling of being overpowered and not seen as competent, deserves a lot of compassion from me.
I find that even though I serve others it is still about me. I want to get to a place that it is not about me. I want to live in my purpose. I want to be mindful when I am being self serving so that I can change my intentions. I am in search of my next level of enlightenment. I do not want to be judgmental of myself or others.
Great exercise! When I tried to bring compassion to my self and my flaw/issue, I found I was better abled to deal with the issue: multiple possibilities presented themselves, rather than remaining blocked to possibilities.
I cried. This has been a plague all my life and it has come back stronger than ever. I was able to quiet it own for a long time, but I guess didn’t deal with it.
The deep sense of futility that is at the core of my anxiety and depression maintained its position very strongly when I tried your exercise. Like you mentioned, a lot of evidence… That, and a lot of time stuck in this state of frustration and self judgement. Add to it evidence that this is just the way life is, and people will always be flawed enough to make awareness a very uncomfortable thing.
I am living with an increasing intimacy with the “committee” inside my mind that runs my internal, constant dialog of self-deficiency (and other-deficiency). Stopping to recognize the “self” that is the object and victim of this dialog, seems to automatically evoke compassion for her. And allowing what is to be, also has grown a sense of faith – that harbors trust in both whatever arises and my reaction to it. My faith in being a part in a greater reality that is ultimately good is key to my healing.
A softening occurs, not just physically in the shoulders, down the arms into the hands but emotionally as I see me heart, a cold craggy mountain bathed in warm sunlight. Feelings, like moss appear.
I love this!
The message felt very loving, kind and caring.
Thank you Tara.
I felt like I was taking care of myself. Thank you for this message.