I felt myself next to myself saying, “I’m here.” It felt like I was no longer alone, that there was someone there to witness my suffering. No judgement or exasperation for the feelings I was having, just presence with me. I hope I can remember that I’m not alone.
Tasha Brown, Another Field, Laguna Hills, CA, USAsays
Tara,
I felt sad and imagined myself stroking my own hair and saying “it’s ok”. It felt good to know I was there for myself. Thank you for posting this video.
I felt a sense of openness, more freedom to be okay just the way I am right now, and I felt a warm sense that everything was going to be okay. Then, I gave myself permission to stay, rest, and be just me in the moment. Just me. I could still hear and feel all the noise, but I wasn’t caught up in it anymore. Thank you, NICABM and Tara B.
When I listened to Tara and practiced the kindness and compassion to myself I felt a lot lighter, I felt as though something shifted in me. The shift came about because I resonated with her words, particularly about self judgement.
I am grieving, and as I look inside for what’s happening it’s a lot of longing and a lot of love I feel for my dear dad who just went one day two weeks ago. If I ask myself “can I be with this with kindness”, I acknowledge – beyond my poor sweet ego wanting to blame and rage and hurt – that the death of my father is brining me a sense of homecoming, as if his love is shining thru it all, all the fear, self doubt and chronic self loathing I have been battling for the last 20 years. I feel like I am coming home, and I am crying as I write this, it’s sweet sorrow, it’s love, I am coming home. I need to stay with this.
Karen Derman, Marriage/Family Therapy, Woodland Hills, CA, USAsays
I am a psychotherapist and have studied and practiced mindfulness for 3 years. Its been difficult for me to meditate for the last several months. Over the past weekend I attended a mindfulness all day workshop on playfulness and creativity. My whole body opened up when I became aware how much playfulness and creativity are at my core and began to instantly feel free. At the same time I became aware of all the things I had done that made me fell heavy, depressed, anxious, and disconnected from these core qualities and myself. After listening to your talk today I realized how shame, and never being enough have led me to make life choices that have taken me away from my true self. I am 75 years old and have made a commitment to myself to change this pattern so I can live my life in a way that comes from my creativity and playfulness instead of unrealistic expectations that come from others and the society we live in. I know a new life will unfold on its own in time with patience and kindness I am excited about going back to my mindfulness practice to help me stay on my new path.
Very helpful. I feel that way all time. Can’t wait for the answers. Still so far from finding peace with myself… What if the condition you’re in (it’s a disorder and you will know what kind, the one that affects every possible part of your life, health, relationships, etc. ) has lasted for the bigger part of your life and you suddenly lost the only person who knows about it and was understandable and he was the love of your life, the father of your only child (who bwt hates you and wishes you were dead instead)???
Can that be ever overcome. Can you survive the blame and go on?
I really want to believe it can happen…
Thank you Tara!
Not sure? Maybe a slight sense of comfort? Of belonging? Connection with my humanity? I’m a bit numb to be honest… I’m very glad to get this message at the time when I did though – the email couldn’t have come at a better time so thank you very much ? – my circumstances are a bit tricky & challenging & I have quite a lot of confusion sometimes & so it isn’t always so easy to martial my thoughts but I think I do a good job being kind to myself most of the time ?
Namaste ?
Gabrielle Sims, MBA, Another Field, Oakland, CA, USAsays
Thank you Tara?. I welcome the opportunity to deepen my practice and release that unconscious old story of unworthy and undeserving – make myself small. These thoughts are self-defeating. I want to live in harmony with my mind. When I take a breath, tell myself to stop, distance between a distorted mindset slips away, especially, as I breathe into my truth discharge dead thoughts moment to moment I feel relief.
Can’t wait to read Radical Compassion❤️???
I couldn’t help but feel a deep pressure in my chest. I envisioned sitting next to myself, holding myself in loving kindness. Telling myself to let go of the feelings of shame and hurt.
First of all, I just want to thank Tara for teaching and embodying so much goodness, kindness, and most importantly, hopefulness and peace that is inherent when we practice accepting with compassion what we’re experiencing. Today I was feeling very sad and lonely with low self-worth related to a challenging situation in my life right now that really triggers old childhood feelings of abandonment, fear, and not being ok. I’ve done so much work on these issues and I know I’ve come a very long way in my healing and I know that pain and healing has helped me really be connected and understanding of my clients, but it’s still so hard sometimes. Just listening to this video was helpful, just hearing your story and sitting with my pain in a “supported place” is so helpful. It hurts but in a way that’s much less painful than not touching it or not letting it be. This is one of the biggest challenges with my clients, to allow and accept their emotional pain, so I share much of what you’ve taught me, and I’m grateful to be able to guide and support my clients with these practices. Ive also read some of the comments and thank you to others for sharing your ongoing challenges with old pain and distress, it brings a further sense of support, and I hope my comment feels supportive in return.
If kindness is a real experience,the actual shift that occurs in your world,meaning,letting go of defense and being “good enough” to be in the body on the earth ,can assist one with relaxation,for awhile.Sure kindness helps,ofcourse kindness helps,question is,can this be sustained?
Abby
Staci Taylor, Another Field, Detroit , MI, USAsays
I felt a wave of emotion and I cried a little bit. I imagined sitting beside myself as if I was my own student. As I began to cry next to my teacher self who offered compassion, my student self felt hopeful and happy to have someone to help her move forward and work through this tough thing. Basically, I felt that i was not alone in my struggle.
I feel the same. Lonely inside. Couldn’t understand why. Kids loved me unconditionally. Lots of people in my life that love me. Kindness tells me it’s ok not to be ok. Feel it and let it go.
Marguerite San Milllan, Teacher, Rhinebeck, NY, USAsays
I noticed tightening in my throat, anxiety over current troubles at the front of my mind, and always sadness lurking around internal corners. The I practiced there was a small sense of calm – accompanied by a mental question …what if it’s okay to be with myself as I am? It didn’t last long. Thank you.
Carol Smaldino, Psychotherapy, Fort Collins, CO, CO, USAsays
I’m in the midst of writing a blog entitled “On Being Enough” and I related warmly and rawly to this video.
My own book, which I would like to send to you, is called
The Human Climate: Facing the Divisions Inside Us and Between Us. I work a lot with the spaces in between that make the kindness so hard, that are so hard on some kinds of feelings and experiences which we have come to hate.
I’d love to share more.
When I bring my attention within to my body and the heavy mood that I am currently experiencing, draw focus within myself with kindness and compassion, I experience a gentleness and softening that lightens my mood and experience ?!
Thank you for this clear and powerful tool. When I tried to bring kindness, a sense of lightness started to envelop me; as though the mind and my body were letting go of something; it was not so easy to let the lightness take over and could also feel the resistance; the heaviness of the trance of unworthiness is dark but familiar; I had to really focus on the letting go so to leave space. with gratitude, Cristina
Maryann Bolger, Another Field, Old Saybrook, CT, USAsays
My workplace is filled with a variety of personalities, ages, behaviors comments – It feels as if I am always navigating my way across the social playing field – There are times when someone is rude to me and then kind to another – and I stop and ask myself “is this my imagination” sure felt nasty and came out of nowhere – Today’s talk with Tara was a nice pause to stop drop and listen “can I be kind with this” and of course it only reaffirmed evidence ” I am not worthy” it was tough in that moment feeling compassion for the colleague that offended me- Then a minute or two later i wondered to myself happy people or people that are kind to themselves do not hurt others and this probably had nothing to do with me Peace!
I noticed the compulsion to rush, to hurry on…perhaps to get away from feelings of judgement and pain. To improve, to stay in control, to avoid unpleasant experiences and to do what I thought I should to stay happy!
Nathalie Bergeron, Another Field, Asheville, NC, USAsays
I’m in acute grief from losing my spouse 3 months ago from a horrendous head and neck cancer. I have an immense amount of guilt and sadness. Out of the blue, she had complete peri-neural invasion and we never had the chance to properly say goodbye. The cancer made her angry, even with me.
Trying to bring kindness to myself by being mindful, helps me inch forward to self-forgiveness for not knowing her time was limited, and that I could have figured out how to say goodbye.
Thank you Tara
You have been a life saver on this grief journey thus far.
I am sorry to hear about your pain. I hope you find peace in that your saying goodbye was being there with her. When she was frightened. When you were frightened. It does not have to be a specific verbal occasion. But continued care in a whirlwind of events. How can we ever know the last time we ever get to share ourselves with those we love. I wish you peace. And continued kindness ?
Aislin
At first it was nothing, empty, stillness but then I realised everything had been co weed with a great grey blanket of fear and there was movement under the blanket. I just sat with it, it felt safe to be there knowing that everything was still there just covered up for now.
Hoping it will soon start to come out so I can feel again.
Today I’ve been processing through anger and frustration. In my allowing of that I feel a deeper sadness and the belief that I’m not good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. So when I received Tara’s email about this video I was drawn to watch it. As she shared I too cried. In the reflection I touched again on the sadness. There’s more of an ok-ness when I can just be with it. Thank you.
With many years of therapy behind me, and as a trained shamatha-vipashyana and mindfulness meditation instructor, I understand both implicitly and explicitly the childhood origins of my recurrent feelings of unworthiness; yet, the feelings rise up like specters, old ghosts, a taunting Cheshire Cat on my shoulder, and compassion remains more for other than for self. The distance to that far shore appears to recede even as I approach it. Knowing the path and walking the path…not the same at all.
When I bring kindness to the barrage of negativity and self-loathing that comes from my mind, and only if I take the time to pause and breathe, there is a loosening, a softening in my heart, a sweet realization that I will be, essentially, OK. Thank you!
I sat with my feelings instead of running away from them. I offered my feelings kindness in the form of acceptance. I was struck by a feeling of extreme sadness and loneliness and almost started to cry. But I didn’t let myself cry. So I’m still really hurting inside.
With the exercise you provided. When I was feeling the feeling of fear and anger at myself with the situation I am dealing with. I asked me self to be kind and look at myself with compassion. What I experiment was an easing of the pain. It was still there but lighter and a bit more easy to feel
I do practice this quite often. It feels like the practice of RAIN (Recognise, allow, investigate, nurture) that Tara teaches and I do feel more loving and accepting of myself and others.)
Cathy Jackson, Teacher, New Haven, CT, CT, USAsays
I was stuck with the whole idea of whether I feel unworthy or undeserving. I felt that I don’t but I do feel not good enough. Is that the same thing? I started to feel sad but then remembered to be kind. That helped pull me out of the down feeling.
I think being my own best friend idea is sensational , I have been trying to go there but not quite getting there I have drifted to and from this idea. The peace comes when I am true to myself and remain with my own sense of self. Thankyou for showing me back to the self.
Emotional Pain,
lately I usually feel “Hurt”, too much trama and disappointment in my life, I have realized thru various exercises and insights that I come up with the same thing,….feeling “NOT GOOD ENOUGH”. This has affected my whole Life, the difficulty it seems is it is so hard to change this damage after years of feeling this way.
I felt resistance to being with myself with kindness in the face of the strong feelings of anxiety. I wondered how being kind to myself would help me, because isn’t it counterintuitive to be kind towards something that you want to change? I guess my resistance was influenced by the fear that if I am kind to myself when I feel a feeling I don’t want to feel, then I will never be able to change this feeling. I’m sure there’s a powerful reason for using kindness and compassion instead of resistance; resistance after all is what is causing the suffering. However, I would like to learn how taking the first step to be with our feelings with kindness is helpful. Thanks!
Wow going thru a bad divorce from a covert narc. My license for my nursing out of date, mom died & cut me & my son from her trust…., i felt completely destroyed & too old, struggling health to start over again. Especially in California’s nutty economy. Rejected, driven to poverty by BAD judges & malicious husband & his mistress. I felt no hope. You have hit the nail on the head of the issue! You have spoke with clear & tangible evidence & interventions! ???
I felt myself next to myself saying, “I’m here.” It felt like I was no longer alone, that there was someone there to witness my suffering. No judgement or exasperation for the feelings I was having, just presence with me. I hope I can remember that I’m not alone.
It felt completely alien! I could not accept it at all. In other words, it was very difficult.
Tara,
I felt sad and imagined myself stroking my own hair and saying “it’s ok”. It felt good to know I was there for myself. Thank you for posting this video.
I felt a sense of openness, more freedom to be okay just the way I am right now, and I felt a warm sense that everything was going to be okay. Then, I gave myself permission to stay, rest, and be just me in the moment. Just me. I could still hear and feel all the noise, but I wasn’t caught up in it anymore. Thank you, NICABM and Tara B.
I felt a lightness, a weight lifting and felt like I was looking at myself with compassion rather than frustration.
When I listened to Tara and practiced the kindness and compassion to myself I felt a lot lighter, I felt as though something shifted in me. The shift came about because I resonated with her words, particularly about self judgement.
I am grieving, and as I look inside for what’s happening it’s a lot of longing and a lot of love I feel for my dear dad who just went one day two weeks ago. If I ask myself “can I be with this with kindness”, I acknowledge – beyond my poor sweet ego wanting to blame and rage and hurt – that the death of my father is brining me a sense of homecoming, as if his love is shining thru it all, all the fear, self doubt and chronic self loathing I have been battling for the last 20 years. I feel like I am coming home, and I am crying as I write this, it’s sweet sorrow, it’s love, I am coming home. I need to stay with this.
I am a psychotherapist and have studied and practiced mindfulness for 3 years. Its been difficult for me to meditate for the last several months. Over the past weekend I attended a mindfulness all day workshop on playfulness and creativity. My whole body opened up when I became aware how much playfulness and creativity are at my core and began to instantly feel free. At the same time I became aware of all the things I had done that made me fell heavy, depressed, anxious, and disconnected from these core qualities and myself. After listening to your talk today I realized how shame, and never being enough have led me to make life choices that have taken me away from my true self. I am 75 years old and have made a commitment to myself to change this pattern so I can live my life in a way that comes from my creativity and playfulness instead of unrealistic expectations that come from others and the society we live in. I know a new life will unfold on its own in time with patience and kindness I am excited about going back to my mindfulness practice to help me stay on my new path.
Very helpful. I feel that way all time. Can’t wait for the answers. Still so far from finding peace with myself… What if the condition you’re in (it’s a disorder and you will know what kind, the one that affects every possible part of your life, health, relationships, etc. ) has lasted for the bigger part of your life and you suddenly lost the only person who knows about it and was understandable and he was the love of your life, the father of your only child (who bwt hates you and wishes you were dead instead)???
Can that be ever overcome. Can you survive the blame and go on?
I really want to believe it can happen…
Thank you Tara!
Not sure? Maybe a slight sense of comfort? Of belonging? Connection with my humanity? I’m a bit numb to be honest… I’m very glad to get this message at the time when I did though – the email couldn’t have come at a better time so thank you very much ? – my circumstances are a bit tricky & challenging & I have quite a lot of confusion sometimes & so it isn’t always so easy to martial my thoughts but I think I do a good job being kind to myself most of the time ?
Namaste ?
Thank you Tara?. I welcome the opportunity to deepen my practice and release that unconscious old story of unworthy and undeserving – make myself small. These thoughts are self-defeating. I want to live in harmony with my mind. When I take a breath, tell myself to stop, distance between a distorted mindset slips away, especially, as I breathe into my truth discharge dead thoughts moment to moment I feel relief.
Can’t wait to read Radical Compassion❤️???
I couldn’t help but feel a deep pressure in my chest. I envisioned sitting next to myself, holding myself in loving kindness. Telling myself to let go of the feelings of shame and hurt.
First of all, I just want to thank Tara for teaching and embodying so much goodness, kindness, and most importantly, hopefulness and peace that is inherent when we practice accepting with compassion what we’re experiencing. Today I was feeling very sad and lonely with low self-worth related to a challenging situation in my life right now that really triggers old childhood feelings of abandonment, fear, and not being ok. I’ve done so much work on these issues and I know I’ve come a very long way in my healing and I know that pain and healing has helped me really be connected and understanding of my clients, but it’s still so hard sometimes. Just listening to this video was helpful, just hearing your story and sitting with my pain in a “supported place” is so helpful. It hurts but in a way that’s much less painful than not touching it or not letting it be. This is one of the biggest challenges with my clients, to allow and accept their emotional pain, so I share much of what you’ve taught me, and I’m grateful to be able to guide and support my clients with these practices. Ive also read some of the comments and thank you to others for sharing your ongoing challenges with old pain and distress, it brings a further sense of support, and I hope my comment feels supportive in return.
Very helpful and timely, thank you
If kindness is a real experience,the actual shift that occurs in your world,meaning,letting go of defense and being “good enough” to be in the body on the earth ,can assist one with relaxation,for awhile.Sure kindness helps,ofcourse kindness helps,question is,can this be sustained?
Abby
I felt a wave of emotion and I cried a little bit. I imagined sitting beside myself as if I was my own student. As I began to cry next to my teacher self who offered compassion, my student self felt hopeful and happy to have someone to help her move forward and work through this tough thing. Basically, I felt that i was not alone in my struggle.
I felt at peace with myself
I feel the same. Lonely inside. Couldn’t understand why. Kids loved me unconditionally. Lots of people in my life that love me. Kindness tells me it’s ok not to be ok. Feel it and let it go.
I noticed tightening in my throat, anxiety over current troubles at the front of my mind, and always sadness lurking around internal corners. The I practiced there was a small sense of calm – accompanied by a mental question …what if it’s okay to be with myself as I am? It didn’t last long. Thank you.
I’m in the midst of writing a blog entitled “On Being Enough” and I related warmly and rawly to this video.
My own book, which I would like to send to you, is called
The Human Climate: Facing the Divisions Inside Us and Between Us. I work a lot with the spaces in between that make the kindness so hard, that are so hard on some kinds of feelings and experiences which we have come to hate.
I’d love to share more.
When I bring my attention within to my body and the heavy mood that I am currently experiencing, draw focus within myself with kindness and compassion, I experience a gentleness and softening that lightens my mood and experience ?!
Thank you for this clear and powerful tool. When I tried to bring kindness, a sense of lightness started to envelop me; as though the mind and my body were letting go of something; it was not so easy to let the lightness take over and could also feel the resistance; the heaviness of the trance of unworthiness is dark but familiar; I had to really focus on the letting go so to leave space. with gratitude, Cristina
My workplace is filled with a variety of personalities, ages, behaviors comments – It feels as if I am always navigating my way across the social playing field – There are times when someone is rude to me and then kind to another – and I stop and ask myself “is this my imagination” sure felt nasty and came out of nowhere – Today’s talk with Tara was a nice pause to stop drop and listen “can I be kind with this” and of course it only reaffirmed evidence ” I am not worthy” it was tough in that moment feeling compassion for the colleague that offended me- Then a minute or two later i wondered to myself happy people or people that are kind to themselves do not hurt others and this probably had nothing to do with me Peace!
I noticed the compulsion to rush, to hurry on…perhaps to get away from feelings of judgement and pain. To improve, to stay in control, to avoid unpleasant experiences and to do what I thought I should to stay happy!
I’m in acute grief from losing my spouse 3 months ago from a horrendous head and neck cancer. I have an immense amount of guilt and sadness. Out of the blue, she had complete peri-neural invasion and we never had the chance to properly say goodbye. The cancer made her angry, even with me.
Trying to bring kindness to myself by being mindful, helps me inch forward to self-forgiveness for not knowing her time was limited, and that I could have figured out how to say goodbye.
Thank you Tara
You have been a life saver on this grief journey thus far.
I am sorry to hear about your pain. I hope you find peace in that your saying goodbye was being there with her. When she was frightened. When you were frightened. It does not have to be a specific verbal occasion. But continued care in a whirlwind of events. How can we ever know the last time we ever get to share ourselves with those we love. I wish you peace. And continued kindness ?
Aislin
Always good to be reminded of basics and to practice them.
Lovely. Thanks.
Tara,
I read your latest book this year and you have made a big difference to my life thank you.
Watching the video placed my mind back on the mat. What resonated most strongly is the word kind. So simple but sometimes so distant.
The good news for me is thanks to you and others that part of me now has a presence.
With gratitude Colin
At first it was nothing, empty, stillness but then I realised everything had been co weed with a great grey blanket of fear and there was movement under the blanket. I just sat with it, it felt safe to be there knowing that everything was still there just covered up for now.
Hoping it will soon start to come out so I can feel again.
Today I’ve been processing through anger and frustration. In my allowing of that I feel a deeper sadness and the belief that I’m not good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. So when I received Tara’s email about this video I was drawn to watch it. As she shared I too cried. In the reflection I touched again on the sadness. There’s more of an ok-ness when I can just be with it. Thank you.
I could not be with the part that needed compassion or kindness. The negative experience was too much.
I felt some anxiety and noticed with kindness and attention that I felt some relief and comfort.
My shoulders relaxed and dropped and i felt like crying, not strongly enough to actually cry but enough to feel it in my heart/chest
With many years of therapy behind me, and as a trained shamatha-vipashyana and mindfulness meditation instructor, I understand both implicitly and explicitly the childhood origins of my recurrent feelings of unworthiness; yet, the feelings rise up like specters, old ghosts, a taunting Cheshire Cat on my shoulder, and compassion remains more for other than for self. The distance to that far shore appears to recede even as I approach it. Knowing the path and walking the path…not the same at all.
When I bring kindness to the barrage of negativity and self-loathing that comes from my mind, and only if I take the time to pause and breathe, there is a loosening, a softening in my heart, a sweet realization that I will be, essentially, OK. Thank you!
I sat with my feelings instead of running away from them. I offered my feelings kindness in the form of acceptance. I was struck by a feeling of extreme sadness and loneliness and almost started to cry. But I didn’t let myself cry. So I’m still really hurting inside.
a feeling of relaxation and peace settled into me
Peace and openness to my own heart.
With the exercise you provided. When I was feeling the feeling of fear and anger at myself with the situation I am dealing with. I asked me self to be kind and look at myself with compassion. What I experiment was an easing of the pain. It was still there but lighter and a bit more easy to feel
I felt a softening of the tension I was feeling and later a sense of love in that area.
I do practice this quite often. It feels like the practice of RAIN (Recognise, allow, investigate, nurture) that Tara teaches and I do feel more loving and accepting of myself and others.)
I was stuck with the whole idea of whether I feel unworthy or undeserving. I felt that I don’t but I do feel not good enough. Is that the same thing? I started to feel sad but then remembered to be kind. That helped pull me out of the down feeling.
I still felt like other people were constantly judging My worthiness.
I think being my own best friend idea is sensational , I have been trying to go there but not quite getting there I have drifted to and from this idea. The peace comes when I am true to myself and remain with my own sense of self. Thankyou for showing me back to the self.
I felt my hart softening
When I bring kindness, the feelings of sadness and hopelessness soften.
My problem or situation seemed less suffocating in a way.true
Emotional Pain,
lately I usually feel “Hurt”, too much trama and disappointment in my life, I have realized thru various exercises and insights that I come up with the same thing,….feeling “NOT GOOD ENOUGH”. This has affected my whole Life, the difficulty it seems is it is so hard to change this damage after years of feeling this way.
I felt lighter and softer
Thank you! So simple yet profound ❤️
I felt resistance to being with myself with kindness in the face of the strong feelings of anxiety. I wondered how being kind to myself would help me, because isn’t it counterintuitive to be kind towards something that you want to change? I guess my resistance was influenced by the fear that if I am kind to myself when I feel a feeling I don’t want to feel, then I will never be able to change this feeling. I’m sure there’s a powerful reason for using kindness and compassion instead of resistance; resistance after all is what is causing the suffering. However, I would like to learn how taking the first step to be with our feelings with kindness is helpful. Thanks!
Wow going thru a bad divorce from a covert narc. My license for my nursing out of date, mom died & cut me & my son from her trust…., i felt completely destroyed & too old, struggling health to start over again. Especially in California’s nutty economy. Rejected, driven to poverty by BAD judges & malicious husband & his mistress. I felt no hope. You have hit the nail on the head of the issue! You have spoke with clear & tangible evidence & interventions! ???