I became acutely aware how my very uncertain and emotional current circumstances have overwhelmed my resilience to very old and familiar vulnerabilities and behaviours. Kindness and compassion has given way to resistence, deprecating dialogue and judgements of and from self and others. It’s time to re-group and live more consciously with mindful intent.
I use to practice and my experience is :
It’s not so difficult to be present and welcome pain and even anger.
I call my shamanic allies (animals and guide).
But with shame… it’s almost impossible ! as if I did not deserve their help.
Shame is like a black hole.
But I go on trying.
Thank you so much Tara for your presence, I use to listen to your meditations almost daily.
I got to know you and your books when you came to Paris a few years ago and that was, and still is, a blessing.
Pat Preble, Another Field, San Francisco, CA, USAsays
Thank you for the video. I have been working through buried traumatic emotions for quite some time and find that holding the space to feel the emotion with kindness and compassion, using the “anger eating demon” sutra as a basis and say, “Oh, welcome, would you like some tea?” And just being present really works. Eventually the emotions wash through and clear.
I feel like I am o.k. There will always be the awareness and acceptance of what I am feeling. Also the knowledge that this will change when I drop into feelings of grief and despair.
I came back to the feeling of being responsible in a good way for myself and the feeling of being a victime and powerless diminished. Thanks for helping me back on the track.
I thought that there was an element of compassion that I already had, but when I asked how I could bring more kindness to myself I felt a resistance. And when I explored the resistance, I realized I thought I didn’t deserve it. Which surprised me.
Generally I am aware of mindfulness and self-compassion but often find it difficult to put into practice. Your video was gentle, caring and informative. It feels an effort, hard to show kindness to myself and to stay with ‘big’ emotions eventhough I know this is key and eventhough when I manage to do this the tension of struggle, melts. Yes, I have discovered that the block to being fully self-compassionate lies in a deep self-hatred and mistrust. I liked the term you used, ‘higher self’. Really looking forward to the next module. Thank you.
I experienced a warm, snuggly softness around the sadness that appeared when I revisited how harsh I can be on myself. There also seemed to be a sunshine-yellow hue of comfort around my being.
Tara, Thank you for being a touchstone in my life over the past years during my husband’s long illness and his eventual death. It was often listening to you on your website that provided the most support and comfort and clarity and compassion through years of 24/7 caregiving then grieving.
PS. I am now (at age 71) in an incredibly happy, fun, nourishing relationship with a man who went through the same caregiving then grieving process with his wife. We are both determined to live life to the fullest now because we realize the importance of that choice. Life is wonderful – though that inner critic still appears, at times shouting, “You are not worthy of all this happiness.” Fie on you, critic!
Gracious presence, placing frustration where it belongs. Frustration and one emotion responding to my expectations of the video message, as the Google Chrome stopped the video application
Two things happened – first the inner voice told me that I do not deserve that self kindness – my past experiences dating back to childhood and furtherance into adulthood popped up reinforcing the feelings of unworthiness which gets in my way when trying to practice self kindness – something I struggle with every day.
Second is that I felt scared of allowing myself to be kind to self. Uncharted waters seem to keep me from having the courage to allow myself the pleasures I so desire. When I consciously work toward this desire like when I am in workshops or mindfulness teachings such as this I am able for a short time to allow and experience those desires but they are often short lived and I go back to the more common feelings of self hatred and feeling unworthy.
Thank you for this Tara. You reminded me to remember how I would treat my best friend and think about this way of being for myself. I needed this reminder this week.
I realized how afraid I am of being thought not good enough, smart enough, just not enough in some way. When I thought of being kind to myself, I just thought of how my daughter may feel this way, and if I’ve contributed to that. I felt guilty. It was hard for me to be compassionate without being sad. But there are other times when I am able to feel such great compassion for how hard I try in my life, and how much I love those around me. There is still a sense of sadness there. I’m not sure if it’s self understanding, but there’s a sense of grief. I’d like to understand that more.
Kindness toward myself was squashed under the weight of too many negative thoughts about myself. It couldn’t come close to winning. To change the belief; the habit; the hyper-critical voice takes enormous dedication and strength. Prayer helps me. But in my daily life I still struggle and feel deeply lonely. It’s been 3 years of hard trying and Im finally seeing some results. I’m 62 years old.
I felt a small tug then a release. I am trying to learn to be gentle with myself despite my many shortcomings. I want to embody goodness and be a bright spark, but I get very overwhelmed with anxiety, low energy, and OCD. I am very lonely and don’t want to waste this precious gift of life or strip away the polish from others’.
I felt a sense of relief, and calm. I felt as though the hardship I’ve been going through will pass. I was able to see the roles and achievements as astonishing, considering the awful traumas I’ve faced – my biggest being breaking the cycle of abuse and raising 2 beautiful honorable daughters. Also being a mental health leader and mentor in Australia and attaining a PhD. So often I consider myself a bad person…but why (other than past schemas that are no longer real)? Lately I’ve become more able to listen and accept what people say about me – things like ‘Cassy it was you who showed me I could self-advocate’…or, ‘You gave me back my life’. I’m realizing it’s ok to believe them.
Tara, I want to let you know, that 2.5 years ago you helped me reclaim my life when I was leaving an abusive relationship. Thank you. Namaste. Cassy (aka Marianne)
Thank you for writing your thoughts Cassy. What you wrote has resonated with me. I am struggling with feelings of unworthiness and lack of ability. I too have raised 3 amazing humans that I am so proud of and have broken the cycle of abuse in our family of origin. I’m in the middle phase of my PhD exploring trauma informed practice but am always questioning myself. I’m very done with this.
I felt a spot on my left shoulder blade getting really tense, and it it was hard to ignore the inner critic scolding me for my chronic procrastination. It feels so unfamiliar to be non-judgemental with myself. I loved Tara’s personal story, it gives me hope and Inspiration.
Hi Thanks for this! I also find that you can feel inner caring and compassion by giving yourself inner hugs and by giving alienating, bad, angry, sad ..etc… feelings about yourself, others and things inner hugs as well! <3
Thank you Tara for your compassionate sharing and wise training. Your Presence was so genuine as you spoke and looked directly into the camera, I felt your caring and compassion directly in my heart and spirit. It was more effective than many in present interventions.
The experience reinforces my belief, “that in the presence of caring attention, healing happens.” Your Caring was so authentic, it worked even online. I am amazed. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and compassion.
I felt the following: tense, wound up, unworthy, anxious, ugly, and mean. The first 4 feelings make sense to me since I’m in my last semester of college and I have no idea what I’m going to do after I graduate. If I look further, the ugliness and meanness seems like an armor I put up to block out the questions of what I’m going to do after college from my parents, peers, and others. I’m addition, I feel unworthy compared to the people who are asking because it seems like they have it all figured out and I’m the lone outcast who’s bound to fail. I’m putting a lot of stress on myself to figure my life plan out but I feel like there’s a minuscule chance that I’ll succeed and either people know that already or people expect more of me and I’m going to let them down. I don’t feel safe or secure right now.
I am a lay minister in my church, I am now a carer with clients who are diagnosed with Altzheimers and I am a private English tutor, having taught up until the last two years. Following my unlooked for divorce after a long marriage (my husband had a secret affair) I needed to care for my mentally ill adult son and re evaluate my life. Tara ‘s talks have been my mainstay and still are.My life is busy but it I am in a happy new relationship and experience a better relationship with my life and others, and am on a calmer, more joyful and awake path. Love and thanks, even though I can’t afford to subscribe in any way.
Donna Murray, Another Field, Midlothian, VA, USAsays
I am 70 years old and have done a poor job (that’s a purely factual statement) of planning for retirement. I believed I was an imposter in my increasingly responsible professional positions [prior to retirement, and I judged myself harshly, when in fact I mostly did excellent work and when I made a mistake I either fixed it and apprised my manager or came up with a way it could be fixed and took that to my manager.. I never dumped a mistake on someone else. As I got nearer to retirement I was making more mistakes, I was missing things, and my company suggested I try working half-time and face no hard deadlines. That certainly helped the situation but didn’t make problems go away. I fully retired a year ago and having taken a hard look at outgo and income, I realize I need to get another full time professional job for the next 4 to 5 years; live like I’m living now and sock away as much as the law will allow in a 401(k) and siphon off a substantial amount with which to set up an IRA or some type of vehicle that will let me set aside more to live on when I do fully retire. Right now I have enough to live on for two more years, and I plan on 16 or 17 more! The point of all this is that I’ve always shied away from doing a thorough accounting of my income and expenses because I really didn’t want to know. But now I need to know. And I’m facing it like a grown up (it’s about time) and instead of freaking me out it’s making me feel determined. I know what I need to earn, and it may be my fault that I got myself into this position, but focusing on that isn’t going to get me any closer to my goal. So eschewing those persistent voices telling us we’re not good enough is step one in accepting that I am worthy. Acknowledge the feelings when they arise and accept them with kindness. Then DO the next right thing for the goal you’re pursuing. And be proud that I didn’t run away from what I was feeling, and be happy that while I may not be cured, I’ve made real progress.
I felt great love and imagined giving myself a empathetic hug while feel the grief and loss of my son many years ago. Giving myself the time and permission to feel my feelings with love.
I felt resistance. The sense of unworthiness and shame, today especially, is so strong. But staying with your voice, Tara, and wanting to show myself the same kindness I showed others today, brought me to a place of acceptance and knowing- I will rise again.
Today I visiteda precious woman going through deep grieving. I often feel I have nothing to contribute in situations like this. When i sat with those feelings just now I kindly pointed out to myself how simply turning up and listening was a vital support to her. I am enough.
Bringing kindness to my feelings of negativity, overwhelm, self doubt and inadequacy feels like it helps, gives me a moment to rest from the energy to carry and combat the negative feelings.
I felt sad. I feel sad about how hard I have been on myself for 76 years and how I am now just beginning to allow myself to feel everything. One of the messages I heard myself say recently was “Please let it be okay for me to feel pain.” I didn’t understand what it meant at first but I now know that I want to make it okay for me to feel everything (emotional and physical)…..to recognize and accept all of it because it is who I am. I am becoming truer to myself which is a blessing. Thank you, Tara, for all you have given me over the years with your books and podcasts. Patty
I feel like I can relate so much to your words and experience of the ‘merciless critic’. A voice so constant that I accept it as truth, even though it’s messages are so mean spirited. I need to practice more self compassion to try and conquer this relentless broken record.
The reminder to be kind to yourself needs to be reinforced. We get to choose each morning to hit the reset button of life. Being kind to the thorns within me and embracing them allows me to be soft, grateful and gentle with myself and also mindful that I get to choose. I am worthy.
This is a powerful reminder for me. When I hear the word kindness, it is harder for me to be as critical of myself. It in fact makes me tear up whenever anyone suggests such things to me. I know it is something I should do, it’s just difficult to make me a priority. I am a kind person, and sometimes I wish I could be kinder, because I want to be always authentically kind. I used to have a small little circle in my life. They are people I love and trust. Now, going into teaching I realize I need to prepare myself for little ones. I don’t want to have insecurities and be overly sensitive, and yet I want to be open hearted.
Considering my unworthy feelings with kindness is a like a balm to a wound. It doesn’t immediately heal the wound, but it it soothing enough to allow me to consider perspectives that do not condemn me for feeling pain.
I was feeling fullness and pain from overeating and I sense of revulsion and anger it myself for doing so. And when I asked myself how I could be with it in kindness an answer didn’t seem to come. Eventually I heard a little voice saying it’s okay you don’t have to be perfect.
I became acutely aware how my very uncertain and emotional current circumstances have overwhelmed my resilience to very old and familiar vulnerabilities and behaviours. Kindness and compassion has given way to resistence, deprecating dialogue and judgements of and from self and others. It’s time to re-group and live more consciously with mindful intent.
I felt lighter but very sad
I use to practice and my experience is :
It’s not so difficult to be present and welcome pain and even anger.
I call my shamanic allies (animals and guide).
But with shame… it’s almost impossible ! as if I did not deserve their help.
Shame is like a black hole.
But I go on trying.
Thank you so much Tara for your presence, I use to listen to your meditations almost daily.
I got to know you and your books when you came to Paris a few years ago and that was, and still is, a blessing.
Thank you for the video. I have been working through buried traumatic emotions for quite some time and find that holding the space to feel the emotion with kindness and compassion, using the “anger eating demon” sutra as a basis and say, “Oh, welcome, would you like some tea?” And just being present really works. Eventually the emotions wash through and clear.
I feel like I am o.k. There will always be the awareness and acceptance of what I am feeling. Also the knowledge that this will change when I drop into feelings of grief and despair.
I came back to the feeling of being responsible in a good way for myself and the feeling of being a victime and powerless diminished. Thanks for helping me back on the track.
I thought that there was an element of compassion that I already had, but when I asked how I could bring more kindness to myself I felt a resistance. And when I explored the resistance, I realized I thought I didn’t deserve it. Which surprised me.
Generally I am aware of mindfulness and self-compassion but often find it difficult to put into practice. Your video was gentle, caring and informative. It feels an effort, hard to show kindness to myself and to stay with ‘big’ emotions eventhough I know this is key and eventhough when I manage to do this the tension of struggle, melts. Yes, I have discovered that the block to being fully self-compassionate lies in a deep self-hatred and mistrust. I liked the term you used, ‘higher self’. Really looking forward to the next module. Thank you.
I felt lighter and I smiled.
I felt a big sense of calmness, held and contained by a bigger version of me.
I just felt peaceful, with a deep feeling that everything is ok.
I felt unable to accept it.
I tried to be kind to my laziness and nearly fell asleep. I sleep 12 hrs a day. I don’t exercise. It’s not healthy.
I experienced a warm, snuggly softness around the sadness that appeared when I revisited how harsh I can be on myself. There also seemed to be a sunshine-yellow hue of comfort around my being.
Tara, Thank you for being a touchstone in my life over the past years during my husband’s long illness and his eventual death. It was often listening to you on your website that provided the most support and comfort and clarity and compassion through years of 24/7 caregiving then grieving.
PS. I am now (at age 71) in an incredibly happy, fun, nourishing relationship with a man who went through the same caregiving then grieving process with his wife. We are both determined to live life to the fullest now because we realize the importance of that choice. Life is wonderful – though that inner critic still appears, at times shouting, “You are not worthy of all this happiness.” Fie on you, critic!
I felt rather motherly to myself, and had the thought the I should remind myself that I am a strong person and I can get through this. I can do it.
I saw a unsafe girl fighting very hard and lonely I saw she needed care. I wanted to stay with her.
Gracious presence, placing frustration where it belongs. Frustration and one emotion responding to my expectations of the video message, as the Google Chrome stopped the video application
Two things happened – first the inner voice told me that I do not deserve that self kindness – my past experiences dating back to childhood and furtherance into adulthood popped up reinforcing the feelings of unworthiness which gets in my way when trying to practice self kindness – something I struggle with every day.
Second is that I felt scared of allowing myself to be kind to self. Uncharted waters seem to keep me from having the courage to allow myself the pleasures I so desire. When I consciously work toward this desire like when I am in workshops or mindfulness teachings such as this I am able for a short time to allow and experience those desires but they are often short lived and I go back to the more common feelings of self hatred and feeling unworthy.
Thank you for this Tara. You reminded me to remember how I would treat my best friend and think about this way of being for myself. I needed this reminder this week.
I realized how afraid I am of being thought not good enough, smart enough, just not enough in some way. When I thought of being kind to myself, I just thought of how my daughter may feel this way, and if I’ve contributed to that. I felt guilty. It was hard for me to be compassionate without being sad. But there are other times when I am able to feel such great compassion for how hard I try in my life, and how much I love those around me. There is still a sense of sadness there. I’m not sure if it’s self understanding, but there’s a sense of grief. I’d like to understand that more.
Kindness toward myself was squashed under the weight of too many negative thoughts about myself. It couldn’t come close to winning. To change the belief; the habit; the hyper-critical voice takes enormous dedication and strength. Prayer helps me. But in my daily life I still struggle and feel deeply lonely. It’s been 3 years of hard trying and Im finally seeing some results. I’m 62 years old.
I felt an overwhelming urge to go to sleep, which is probably a good thing, sometimes shutting down is necessary to revive the tired mind and body.
I felt a small tug then a release. I am trying to learn to be gentle with myself despite my many shortcomings. I want to embody goodness and be a bright spark, but I get very overwhelmed with anxiety, low energy, and OCD. I am very lonely and don’t want to waste this precious gift of life or strip away the polish from others’.
I felt a sense of relief, and calm. I felt as though the hardship I’ve been going through will pass. I was able to see the roles and achievements as astonishing, considering the awful traumas I’ve faced – my biggest being breaking the cycle of abuse and raising 2 beautiful honorable daughters. Also being a mental health leader and mentor in Australia and attaining a PhD. So often I consider myself a bad person…but why (other than past schemas that are no longer real)? Lately I’ve become more able to listen and accept what people say about me – things like ‘Cassy it was you who showed me I could self-advocate’…or, ‘You gave me back my life’. I’m realizing it’s ok to believe them.
Tara, I want to let you know, that 2.5 years ago you helped me reclaim my life when I was leaving an abusive relationship. Thank you. Namaste. Cassy (aka Marianne)
Thank you for writing your thoughts Cassy. What you wrote has resonated with me. I am struggling with feelings of unworthiness and lack of ability. I too have raised 3 amazing humans that I am so proud of and have broken the cycle of abuse in our family of origin. I’m in the middle phase of my PhD exploring trauma informed practice but am always questioning myself. I’m very done with this.
I felt a spot on my left shoulder blade getting really tense, and it it was hard to ignore the inner critic scolding me for my chronic procrastination. It feels so unfamiliar to be non-judgemental with myself. I loved Tara’s personal story, it gives me hope and Inspiration.
Hi Thanks for this! I also find that you can feel inner caring and compassion by giving yourself inner hugs and by giving alienating, bad, angry, sad ..etc… feelings about yourself, others and things inner hugs as well! <3
Thank you for sharing your journey.
Felt love
Thank you Tara for your compassionate sharing and wise training. Your Presence was so genuine as you spoke and looked directly into the camera, I felt your caring and compassion directly in my heart and spirit. It was more effective than many in present interventions.
The experience reinforces my belief, “that in the presence of caring attention, healing happens.” Your Caring was so authentic, it worked even online. I am amazed. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and compassion.
I felt the following: tense, wound up, unworthy, anxious, ugly, and mean. The first 4 feelings make sense to me since I’m in my last semester of college and I have no idea what I’m going to do after I graduate. If I look further, the ugliness and meanness seems like an armor I put up to block out the questions of what I’m going to do after college from my parents, peers, and others. I’m addition, I feel unworthy compared to the people who are asking because it seems like they have it all figured out and I’m the lone outcast who’s bound to fail. I’m putting a lot of stress on myself to figure my life plan out but I feel like there’s a minuscule chance that I’ll succeed and either people know that already or people expect more of me and I’m going to let them down. I don’t feel safe or secure right now.
I am a lay minister in my church, I am now a carer with clients who are diagnosed with Altzheimers and I am a private English tutor, having taught up until the last two years. Following my unlooked for divorce after a long marriage (my husband had a secret affair) I needed to care for my mentally ill adult son and re evaluate my life. Tara ‘s talks have been my mainstay and still are.My life is busy but it I am in a happy new relationship and experience a better relationship with my life and others, and am on a calmer, more joyful and awake path. Love and thanks, even though I can’t afford to subscribe in any way.
I am 70 years old and have done a poor job (that’s a purely factual statement) of planning for retirement. I believed I was an imposter in my increasingly responsible professional positions [prior to retirement, and I judged myself harshly, when in fact I mostly did excellent work and when I made a mistake I either fixed it and apprised my manager or came up with a way it could be fixed and took that to my manager.. I never dumped a mistake on someone else. As I got nearer to retirement I was making more mistakes, I was missing things, and my company suggested I try working half-time and face no hard deadlines. That certainly helped the situation but didn’t make problems go away. I fully retired a year ago and having taken a hard look at outgo and income, I realize I need to get another full time professional job for the next 4 to 5 years; live like I’m living now and sock away as much as the law will allow in a 401(k) and siphon off a substantial amount with which to set up an IRA or some type of vehicle that will let me set aside more to live on when I do fully retire. Right now I have enough to live on for two more years, and I plan on 16 or 17 more! The point of all this is that I’ve always shied away from doing a thorough accounting of my income and expenses because I really didn’t want to know. But now I need to know. And I’m facing it like a grown up (it’s about time) and instead of freaking me out it’s making me feel determined. I know what I need to earn, and it may be my fault that I got myself into this position, but focusing on that isn’t going to get me any closer to my goal. So eschewing those persistent voices telling us we’re not good enough is step one in accepting that I am worthy. Acknowledge the feelings when they arise and accept them with kindness. Then DO the next right thing for the goal you’re pursuing. And be proud that I didn’t run away from what I was feeling, and be happy that while I may not be cured, I’ve made real progress.
I felt great love and imagined giving myself a empathetic hug while feel the grief and loss of my son many years ago. Giving myself the time and permission to feel my feelings with love.
Keeps me focused on kindness with my group members
While not directly having a strong feeling at the moment, I was able to envision the process and am encouraged to have a new tool to use.
I feel more calm… spinning taughts slow down… come back to the present moment
I felt resistance. The sense of unworthiness and shame, today especially, is so strong. But staying with your voice, Tara, and wanting to show myself the same kindness I showed others today, brought me to a place of acceptance and knowing- I will rise again.
It was as if a weight lifted from my skoulders, my brain and the rest of me. I feel more energy now and motivated to do my next task.
Guilt, for what I know I should be doing (and what I encourage others to do) – exercising self-care and being kind to oneself.
Love Tara. Am recovering codependent. Learning to love the self key to changing outward and inward judgement which improves intimacy
Today I visiteda precious woman going through deep grieving. I often feel I have nothing to contribute in situations like this. When i sat with those feelings just now I kindly pointed out to myself how simply turning up and listening was a vital support to her. I am enough.
Bringing kindness to my feelings of negativity, overwhelm, self doubt and inadequacy feels like it helps, gives me a moment to rest from the energy to carry and combat the negative feelings.
There was a softening. The struggles didn’t vanish but it was easier to be with those feelings.
I love that practice.
I felt sad. I feel sad about how hard I have been on myself for 76 years and how I am now just beginning to allow myself to feel everything. One of the messages I heard myself say recently was “Please let it be okay for me to feel pain.” I didn’t understand what it meant at first but I now know that I want to make it okay for me to feel everything (emotional and physical)…..to recognize and accept all of it because it is who I am. I am becoming truer to myself which is a blessing. Thank you, Tara, for all you have given me over the years with your books and podcasts. Patty
I feel like I can relate so much to your words and experience of the ‘merciless critic’. A voice so constant that I accept it as truth, even though it’s messages are so mean spirited. I need to practice more self compassion to try and conquer this relentless broken record.
The reminder to be kind to yourself needs to be reinforced. We get to choose each morning to hit the reset button of life. Being kind to the thorns within me and embracing them allows me to be soft, grateful and gentle with myself and also mindful that I get to choose. I am worthy.
This is a powerful reminder for me. When I hear the word kindness, it is harder for me to be as critical of myself. It in fact makes me tear up whenever anyone suggests such things to me. I know it is something I should do, it’s just difficult to make me a priority. I am a kind person, and sometimes I wish I could be kinder, because I want to be always authentically kind. I used to have a small little circle in my life. They are people I love and trust. Now, going into teaching I realize I need to prepare myself for little ones. I don’t want to have insecurities and be overly sensitive, and yet I want to be open hearted.
Considering my unworthy feelings with kindness is a like a balm to a wound. It doesn’t immediately heal the wound, but it it soothing enough to allow me to consider perspectives that do not condemn me for feeling pain.
I was feeling fullness and pain from overeating and I sense of revulsion and anger it myself for doing so. And when I asked myself how I could be with it in kindness an answer didn’t seem to come. Eventually I heard a little voice saying it’s okay you don’t have to be perfect.
I can’t reply I’m tired