Nothing really. I have been trying to get out of this black hole for the last 18 months
Nothing I can access really helps
All these lovely free self help centres have been very similar and I don’t feel any better.
You have approached the angle of self-judgement, and in the 3rd video you will approach when we judge others; I would love you to explain to us more in depth and with an example the angle of others judging us, and how we can cope with that.
Many thanks.
This exercise was just what I needed today. I am struggling with one of my three grown children whose style of parenting her children differs from the parenting style I used with my children. I worry about her children’s (in my opinion) overuse of electronics. I have a strong urge (which I know is not skillful) to step in and “fix it” Clearly any comment I make, makes things worse.
The first arrow is when I observe the 14 year old kid playing games with unknown individuals from a different state. The second arrow is when I “attach” to worry about him and want to fix it.
In trying to get out of my head, I could consider the fact that I have no idea what long term impact this game playing may have on him.
I can focus on my feelings of fear and sadness for him and anger and blame towards my daughter, whom I fear is too involved in her demanding profession and too relaxed in her standards.
I can take care of myself today; take a long walk with my dog
thanks so much
carol
retired teacher
This exercise was just what I needed today. I am struggling with one of my three grown children whose style of parenting her children differs from the parenting style I used with my children. I worry about her children’s (in my opinion) overuse of electronics. I have a strong urge (which I know is not skillful) to step in and “fix it” Clearly any comment I make, makes things worse.
The first arrow is when I observe the 14 year old kid playing games with unknown individuals from a different state. The second arrow is when I “attach” to worry about him and want to fix it.
In trying to get out of my head, I could consider the fact that I have no idea what long term impact this game playing may have on him.
I can focus on my feelings of fear and sadness for him and anger and blame towards my daughter, whom I fear is too involved in her demanding profession and too relaxed in her standards.
I can take care of myself today; take a long walk with my dog
thanks so much
carol
I cried; I released myself to my heart space and when I put my hand on my heart and closed my eyes I told my self I ‘m okay, it’s okay. The act of putting my hand on my heart is powerful and will be a tool going forward whenever I meet the waves of doubt, shame, blame … Thank you Tara!
Dawn I have a close friend who places his hand on his heart when he is feeling anxious or disconnected. I noticed it at coffee the other day. He does it almost unconsciously. He says he is giving his heart a hug.
Thank you for consistently making this information openly available without cost. You are truly kind. I have used this method before but the reminder is so good.
Eventually I found myself giving myself a big hug and realizing that all those who have loved me are still with me. That was extremely comforting as I realized I could be among them.
Charlene Pray, Nursing, Hoosick Falls, NY, USAsays
I had been in the cycle of self-hatred for a good portion of my life. So entrenched that I couldn’t think of one good thing about myself. My mind was a danger to myself, There was a moment about 15 years ago when I stepped away from that when the thought came about my intention in the world. It was clear to me that I am not the person I have been accused of being. With self-acceptance came the freedom to love others fully. All people, in acceptance I lost judgment of myself as I walked in the world so this barrier was lifted and I could see the beauty of others fully
I cried! So many years of telling myself I’m worthless and unwanted and have no purpose! Waking up every single day wanting to die! I’ll keep working on myself and my Heart space! Thank you so very much! ???✌️❤️✊??
❤️ thank you Tara, I love the visuals in these videos. I took notes as I watched and listened. What you call Self Care, I call First Aid. Offering myself tenderness when I feel vulnerable or wounded is First Aid. I loved all the examples you shared like the Ocean & Waves. The two arrows example is profound ❤️
Compassion for Me, from Me.!
I always believed I must continually be alert to any traits that need”fixing”. I wanted to know about this need Before someone else is affected by it and tells me I am bad.
I feel resentful toward people who do not look for ways to improve themselves.
I remember my shock at my college roomates comment after a minor “bad”. She said, “oh well, that’s the way I am”!
Amazed that she did not determine to “fix” that in herself.
Thank you for this caring presentation which fits so well into my current thoughts of moving away from self loathing, after many, many years in helpful therapy, albeit without such a helpful step by step process.!
Carol Ann Nelson, Teacher, Idaho Falls, ID, USAsays
WOW! I could feel anxiousness in my throat space. Can’t identify where that is coming from but have more of an awareness of how strong it is.
Feels so good to reassure myself. I stroked my throat and patted my heart!
Thank you Tara??
Tara, thank you for this. I was able to feel the emotions and the pain of what I do to myself. I have been recalling lately an old boyfriend who broke up with me because he was “tired of [my] self-flagellation.” I honestly did not know what he meant for decades. That was thirty years ago. I don’t remember revealing to him how hard I was on myself. I always thought that I kept this harsh judgment and hatred hidden. I guess not. And Im still doing it today, though now I can see it. My hope is that sometime I see it enough to stop it…
I feel empty , dead and confused and like I want to die because I am so worthless. I have C.P.T.S.D. and severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks and have experienced layer upon layer of abuse. I feel nauseated.
Rhonda,
I’m so sorry. I want to tell you that it will get better with more compassion for your feelings, but that might seem odd because I don’t know you. I hope you keep exploring solutions, such as Mindful Kindness:) May the light in me connect with the light in you:)
Martha Pritchard, Counseling, West Jefferson, NC, USAsays
Wow.
I am a very grateful recovering alcoholic with 29 years of continuous sobriety. A Master’s in Addictions Counseling not actively practicing my strengths due to deep acute awareness of my weaknesses!!
At 72 I manage a gift shop in a local Museum.
I am also very much a practicing Catholic.
Almost blew this off. Thank God I didn’t.
God took every word to my ❤️
I noticed the lack of focus I felt during the first exercise was about not getting through everything I want to practice, read, learn etc, basically FOMO. xx
The shape of the negative experience turned from black hard ice, to greyish liquid-gas phase water, to spread over my body/space. It was like I was giving that part of me a chance to breathe in the present moment, which I never allowed it to do regularly. Although it remains and lingers, it was addressed today, unlike the days past where it simply grips my head, and often my heart into indecision, silence, holding-me-back-sensation. I feel like it may take a lot of rounds, and that sounds like a lot of work, but could it be worth it…?
Sydney Haggerty, Another Field, Dover Foxcroft, ME, USAsays
whoa ~ tapped into how harsh I am about my physical fitness ~ felt the “not good enough” and affirmed and accepted. Each exercise I get redirected to and feel the self-love/compassion and pull/push of expansion into the world.
As a daily meditator, I can identify the self defeating thoughts and feelings, but I have hard time finding ways to change deficits of what I never got. In self psychology , it would be the loss of illusions without the laying down of a new structure for proper structural growth. For instance, the sudden loss of an idealized parental figure a mature internalization of “the good” from such figure. In others words, not a narcissistic wound but a narcissistic vulnerability.
The challenge here is not to replace judgement but to add a vision of an unknown structure. I would love to hear how you would deal with this type of situation.
Thank you for your thoughtful and loving contribution to those of us who help others and ourselves.
As usual, I enjoy and benefit from what Tara has to say.
I am a retired psychologist and am currently teaching a course on “Aging with Wisdom and Compassion” at the OLLI Center of UNC Asheville. I have been looking for an ‘ocean video’ to illustrate the connection between the waves of everyday life and the supporting ocean beneath. Could you please send me a link to the video you used?
Thanks,
Dennis Hoogerman
It was easy to locate the self blame in my body. The ideas of “I don’t have to believe these thoughts” and “This Belongs” were useful. Also the thought that we shouldn’t be feeling bad that were feeling bad -so true! Thanks!
I tend to literally hold my breath throughout the day. I believe it is due to this very mindset if unworthiness. As you moved through step 2, I felt myself exhale. TY.
Really valuable lessons! Love the double arrow and examples of actually HOW to move out of a negative pattern. Grateful you you for sharing and teaching these life-changing techniques. Thank you.
I couldn’t quite get past the blame/judgement part not without reminding myself to offer some kindness and also the explanation of what the second arrow does. I will be repeating these steps often hopefully I will get the hang of this and advance to healing. TY
Michelle Italiano, Health Education, Stuart, FL, USAsays
Thanks for sharing Tara. You have such a way of expressing the necessary letting go when it comes to the feelings of unworthiness. If we each experienced spaciousness in letting go what a peaceful world we would have. Saying this on the day that we practice the International Day of Peace September 21. May peace be with you and all ?
I think that recognizing when I am using the two arrows is going to be very useful to me. I have been practicing head to heart recently. Thank-you for naming the third piece – heartspace. ?
Admittedly I was a little distracted. I was playing with my cat. However, what I heard was very helpful. Plus, I plan to share this with a group of female clients. Thanks so much.
Brian Vaughan Fredericksburg Virginia
Nothing really. I have been trying to get out of this black hole for the last 18 months
Nothing I can access really helps
All these lovely free self help centres have been very similar and I don’t feel any better.
Hello,
Thank you Tara for these videos.
You have approached the angle of self-judgement, and in the 3rd video you will approach when we judge others; I would love you to explain to us more in depth and with an example the angle of others judging us, and how we can cope with that.
Many thanks.
This exercise was just what I needed today. I am struggling with one of my three grown children whose style of parenting her children differs from the parenting style I used with my children. I worry about her children’s (in my opinion) overuse of electronics. I have a strong urge (which I know is not skillful) to step in and “fix it” Clearly any comment I make, makes things worse.
The first arrow is when I observe the 14 year old kid playing games with unknown individuals from a different state. The second arrow is when I “attach” to worry about him and want to fix it.
In trying to get out of my head, I could consider the fact that I have no idea what long term impact this game playing may have on him.
I can focus on my feelings of fear and sadness for him and anger and blame towards my daughter, whom I fear is too involved in her demanding profession and too relaxed in her standards.
I can take care of myself today; take a long walk with my dog
thanks so much
carol
retired teacher
This exercise was just what I needed today. I am struggling with one of my three grown children whose style of parenting her children differs from the parenting style I used with my children. I worry about her children’s (in my opinion) overuse of electronics. I have a strong urge (which I know is not skillful) to step in and “fix it” Clearly any comment I make, makes things worse.
The first arrow is when I observe the 14 year old kid playing games with unknown individuals from a different state. The second arrow is when I “attach” to worry about him and want to fix it.
In trying to get out of my head, I could consider the fact that I have no idea what long term impact this game playing may have on him.
I can focus on my feelings of fear and sadness for him and anger and blame towards my daughter, whom I fear is too involved in her demanding profession and too relaxed in her standards.
I can take care of myself today; take a long walk with my dog
thanks so much
carol
This remains me of feeling wrong my whole life.
I cried; I released myself to my heart space and when I put my hand on my heart and closed my eyes I told my self I ‘m okay, it’s okay. The act of putting my hand on my heart is powerful and will be a tool going forward whenever I meet the waves of doubt, shame, blame … Thank you Tara!
Dawn I have a close friend who places his hand on his heart when he is feeling anxious or disconnected. I noticed it at coffee the other day. He does it almost unconsciously. He says he is giving his heart a hug.
Thank you for consistently making this information openly available without cost. You are truly kind. I have used this method before but the reminder is so good.
What a releif.
Eventually I found myself giving myself a big hug and realizing that all those who have loved me are still with me. That was extremely comforting as I realized I could be among them.
I had been in the cycle of self-hatred for a good portion of my life. So entrenched that I couldn’t think of one good thing about myself. My mind was a danger to myself, There was a moment about 15 years ago when I stepped away from that when the thought came about my intention in the world. It was clear to me that I am not the person I have been accused of being. With self-acceptance came the freedom to love others fully. All people, in acceptance I lost judgment of myself as I walked in the world so this barrier was lifted and I could see the beauty of others fully
Victoria Tierney PhD Depth Psychology
I allowed myself the heart space to say “ I will finish those projects, and it’s ok that they’re not finished yet… “
I am a healing touch practitioner
That’s interesting. Do you practice Reiki?
I cried! So many years of telling myself I’m worthless and unwanted and have no purpose! Waking up every single day wanting to die! I’ll keep working on myself and my Heart space! Thank you so very much! ???✌️❤️✊??
❤️ thank you Tara, I love the visuals in these videos. I took notes as I watched and listened. What you call Self Care, I call First Aid. Offering myself tenderness when I feel vulnerable or wounded is First Aid. I loved all the examples you shared like the Ocean & Waves. The two arrows example is profound ❤️
Compassion for Me, from Me.!
I always believed I must continually be alert to any traits that need”fixing”. I wanted to know about this need Before someone else is affected by it and tells me I am bad.
I feel resentful toward people who do not look for ways to improve themselves.
I remember my shock at my college roomates comment after a minor “bad”. She said, “oh well, that’s the way I am”!
Amazed that she did not determine to “fix” that in herself.
Thank you for this caring presentation which fits so well into my current thoughts of moving away from self loathing, after many, many years in helpful therapy, albeit without such a helpful step by step process.!
WOW! I could feel anxiousness in my throat space. Can’t identify where that is coming from but have more of an awareness of how strong it is.
Feels so good to reassure myself. I stroked my throat and patted my heart!
Thank you Tara??
Felt relaxed and lighter
Vert comforting to focus on the feeling that judging myself brings up in my heart and to offer comfort to that
More calm!
It put some space in and between
Tara, thank you for this. I was able to feel the emotions and the pain of what I do to myself. I have been recalling lately an old boyfriend who broke up with me because he was “tired of [my] self-flagellation.” I honestly did not know what he meant for decades. That was thirty years ago. I don’t remember revealing to him how hard I was on myself. I always thought that I kept this harsh judgment and hatred hidden. I guess not. And Im still doing it today, though now I can see it. My hope is that sometime I see it enough to stop it…
I feel empty , dead and confused and like I want to die because I am so worthless. I have C.P.T.S.D. and severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks and have experienced layer upon layer of abuse. I feel nauseated.
Rhonda,
I’m so sorry. I want to tell you that it will get better with more compassion for your feelings, but that might seem odd because I don’t know you. I hope you keep exploring solutions, such as Mindful Kindness:) May the light in me connect with the light in you:)
With you on the path,
Sandra
Wow.
I am a very grateful recovering alcoholic with 29 years of continuous sobriety. A Master’s in Addictions Counseling not actively practicing my strengths due to deep acute awareness of my weaknesses!!
At 72 I manage a gift shop in a local Museum.
I am also very much a practicing Catholic.
Almost blew this off. Thank God I didn’t.
God took every word to my ❤️
WOW! And thank you! Thank you. Thank you ?
I noticed the lack of focus I felt during the first exercise was about not getting through everything I want to practice, read, learn etc, basically FOMO. xx
The shape of the negative experience turned from black hard ice, to greyish liquid-gas phase water, to spread over my body/space. It was like I was giving that part of me a chance to breathe in the present moment, which I never allowed it to do regularly. Although it remains and lingers, it was addressed today, unlike the days past where it simply grips my head, and often my heart into indecision, silence, holding-me-back-sensation. I feel like it may take a lot of rounds, and that sounds like a lot of work, but could it be worth it…?
whoa ~ tapped into how harsh I am about my physical fitness ~ felt the “not good enough” and affirmed and accepted. Each exercise I get redirected to and feel the self-love/compassion and pull/push of expansion into the world.
Painful then accepting and peaceful
Kindness to self is something I’ve learned in my later years. This video is perfect for a reminder that it begins with me!
As a daily meditator, I can identify the self defeating thoughts and feelings, but I have hard time finding ways to change deficits of what I never got. In self psychology , it would be the loss of illusions without the laying down of a new structure for proper structural growth. For instance, the sudden loss of an idealized parental figure a mature internalization of “the good” from such figure. In others words, not a narcissistic wound but a narcissistic vulnerability.
The challenge here is not to replace judgement but to add a vision of an unknown structure. I would love to hear how you would deal with this type of situation.
Thank you for your thoughtful and loving contribution to those of us who help others and ourselves.
Remembering I am the ocean and that the waves belong was freeing. Thank you Tara!
The waves in the ocean imagery is so freeing. Thank you
Thank you. Well done. Clear. Simple yet effective.
Validation of 2ork I hqve been doing to let go of self vlqme and blame of others.
As usual, I enjoy and benefit from what Tara has to say.
I am a retired psychologist and am currently teaching a course on “Aging with Wisdom and Compassion” at the OLLI Center of UNC Asheville. I have been looking for an ‘ocean video’ to illustrate the connection between the waves of everyday life and the supporting ocean beneath. Could you please send me a link to the video you used?
Thanks,
Dennis Hoogerman
It was easy to locate the self blame in my body. The ideas of “I don’t have to believe these thoughts” and “This Belongs” were useful. Also the thought that we shouldn’t be feeling bad that were feeling bad -so true! Thanks!
I found a sence of peace.
thank you i can you this myself and offer it to the clients i serve
I tend to literally hold my breath throughout the day. I believe it is due to this very mindset if unworthiness. As you moved through step 2, I felt myself exhale. TY.
Me too.
Really valuable lessons! Love the double arrow and examples of actually HOW to move out of a negative pattern. Grateful you you for sharing and teaching these life-changing techniques. Thank you.
Thank you. I am so glad I found you. I love your teachings. They speak to what I need.
I couldn’t quite get past the blame/judgement part not without reminding myself to offer some kindness and also the explanation of what the second arrow does. I will be repeating these steps often hopefully I will get the hang of this and advance to healing. TY
It brought a sense of peace.
Yes peace on a visceral level…..what I needed and need….?
Thank you Tara for reminding us to be kind to ourselves. ❤️
I felt more compassion, more open. TY
Thanks for sharing Tara. You have such a way of expressing the necessary letting go when it comes to the feelings of unworthiness. If we each experienced spaciousness in letting go what a peaceful world we would have. Saying this on the day that we practice the International Day of Peace September 21. May peace be with you and all ?
Thank you, Tara!
I think that recognizing when I am using the two arrows is going to be very useful to me. I have been practicing head to heart recently. Thank-you for naming the third piece – heartspace. ?
Ready for the next step!
The tightness in my throat relaxed slightly, enough for me to notice.
Admittedly I was a little distracted. I was playing with my cat. However, what I heard was very helpful. Plus, I plan to share this with a group of female clients. Thanks so much.
Brian Vaughan Fredericksburg Virginia
Why only female clients? Males too I hope!