Susan Gorman, Exercise Physiology, Washington, IL, USAsays
This video raised my awareness of head to
Hear to heart space. I could feel myself being gentle and kind to my vulnerable self and moving away from self blame and false responsibility for outcomes. I especially liked the visual of the ocean and the waves which brought a sense of calmness to me.,
I recalled my thoughts that attacked me over my difficulties separating reading from renovating my house. I lay there just trying to focus on the sensations I was experiencing. It was difficult to stay away from the self blame. My compulsion to eat to avoid feelings came up. I was distracted by different thoughts. It was a struggle to move forward. I gotta work at it.
Rebuilding self confidence after betrayal that ended a long marriage has been difficult but made more possible by exercises such as these ,and realising there are many in similar situations.
It seems ,gradually ,to lead to a healthier self perception ,to help reframe our self directed negativity into something that does not have to be our norm; but something workable . We have to live within ourselves ultimately,so we may as well try to get some perspective on the situation .
andrea Davis, Health Education, Allentown , PA, USAsays
Innumerable Trials. It seems my life is just 1 never ending trial. Enduring my childhood, no communication with my mother or stepfather or brother. No connection in family at All. Then intense social anxiety so much that I flunked out of high school. Then pregnancy by a man much much older as a young girl who I was sent to have aborted. Then an intense rape by a resident doctor in his apartment. Another pregnancy by a troubled young man which I kept a secret so as not to be made to abort. 7 months pregnant, I met Vern, and my die was set. An alcoholic then and forever with macho sadist tendencies. But I thought was a safe haven and he loved my son so I committed my life to him. I was extremely disturbed during that time in my life 18- 26 yrs of age. At 28 yrs, I married him. He set up a crazy making divided household right away and I raised my kids being portrayed as the crazy victim and never supported in any and all decisions. Living separate doctrines my whole marriage. Arguments and evenings alone. Bar after bar. My second son was a quiet , pensive, beautiful boy. Yet he grew more abusive of himself and me. By age 12, he totally severed a parent/child connection and started down the very destructive path of drugs. I drug after another. My son died at age 28. My daughter was a beautiful, creative girl ??. I was so happy to have a daughter. Surely we would be close. Sadly, she is quite selfish in her whole demeanor. She has not called me 1 time to ask how I’m doing? She cares nothing for me and she blames me for what I think she believes was an awful experience having me as her mother. My oldest son has created a new life for himself and inserts me in his life in a measured way. It’s like they all know something about what I am that nobody wants to touch. It’s that way with everyone! Now I sit in a house with no one. I go to a church with Jesus as it’s head and find no one who will give me attention and living in darkness at home. I’m now 57yrs old. Where is hope? Where is joy? Where is faith? I find my self in this trap all the time. The woman in the whole with a rich overhead. It is so
2. Self- condemnation doesn’t help. In fact, it hurts us and makes s less capable of acting out of kindness and compassion.
It is hard to break the habit of self-judgment. Sometimes i use humour with self-judgment to defuse my embarrassment at a lapse. Not sure if this form of self-protection is helpful or unhelpful. Do I believe i left my brain at home or do I really think I am foolish for my forgetfulness? I will be forgetful at times.
3. When i blame others I fear i will keep leaving myself open to being used against my own well being. I doubt I am able to stand up for myself in a compassionate manner. This shows how little i trust myself.
i found that things that cause me to beat up on myself, came up and then new ways to reach out for help came in when I was forgiving thanx I need to develope compassion
“Get free access now!” and then a popup appears – with stuff that starts -moving-… first right – then left – then right again… and then on mouseover – starts jumping around… and then a -second- popup with the same crap! Jeez! STOP!
Beautifully said. It is true that we fear if we stop judging or blaming others they won’t change. Our own inner critic keeps us in the same place. It too feels that if it can’t do it’s job of blaming something terrible might happen to us. In it’s attempt to protect us it holds us back form feeling our tender heart of wisdom.
The piece that seemed most prominent for me was the heartspace. I was very pleasantly taken aback when that was the piece I clung to. I don’t do enough of being self-compassionate and want to increase this in my life.
Laura Woodson, Another Field, Cumberland, VA, USAsays
The waves are okay. It’s what the ocean does.
I heard negative self-talk that is like my step father’s voice berating me. I said to the thoughts that they are just thoughts and I don’t have to believe them. I don’t have to play them in my mind. I shifted my attention to the sensation of breath out of my nose. What I am afraid to feel is a sense of victimization, powerlessness and despair. Afraid that if I allow my feelings to happen and forgive, I will be hurt again. Allowing myself to feel these things instead of running from them opens a sense of space like I sit in the palm of eternity, floating on the groundless ground. The pain is a window into awakening. It reminds me of a funny thing my grandfather used to say if I lost something — “I’t’ll be in the last place you look.”
Head, Heart and Heart space has its valuable function to bring me back to my body and feel what is is doing and becoming more aware that it is me being in my body .
I saw that when I experience feeling clumsy, overwhelmed, or unsure, I immediate feel shame and criticize my self into a panic.
I then sat with these feelings and could see the two arrows. The feeling of processing more slowly than I wanted to or trying to do something too quickly. I felt the feeling of being overwhelmed and not knowing where or how to start and then feeling discouraged and wanting to walk away. I saw my self struggling with retirement and not sure how to have a purpose in my life or what my purpose “should” be and then feeling panic as if I am causing myself paralysis.
I sat breathing with these feelings and watched how an interior dialogue of conflict arouse. I was arguing with myself, heaping more blame on at every layer.
Then I invited God/Love into the space. I chose love. I gave myself permission to feel clumsy, overwhelmed, and unsure. These are perfect feelings for this moment, I reassured myself. And, you are not going anywhere. You are created for love. And, love is eternal. And, love is complete. So, be still, and know that I am.
I felt emotional when I tried to connect to what my second arrow of self blame was. It was about feeling not good enough. Whenever I’m struggling I can feel compassion for myself but when I’m facing a challenge to go somewhere further in my life- somewhere I really want to be – I feel not good enough.
The tears were just running. To feel love for myself so intense – couldn’t imagine before.
And the picture of the ocean, so easy and so good! Thousands thanks!
sweet words…head to heart to heart space. it all seems to come down to existential terror. I’m looking forward to open heart exercises … when working with clients i often express the ease in which we can have compassion for others … and suggest we use these soft moments as a way to internalize that feeling of compassion toward our vulnerable self. I remember reading once … that the Buddha had abandonment issues…and he was always abandoning himself…until one day, a woman who saw he was nearly starved to death, fed him with the deepest tenderness and love. This was the beginning of his self realization…that he could have compassion for himself.
Thank you … Namaste’
BRIAN STEPPACHER, Other, SOUTH PORTLAND, ME, USAsays
Finding like-minded people who accept me simply as I am and who offer support in a nurturing environment is invaluable in breaking the cyclical prison or trance of blame, shame, depression, anger and / or jealousy.
I noticed that feelings of kindness towards myself caused me to have a large shift in how I viewed my feelings of unworthiness and self blame. I could see that what I was telling myself about me was t true at all!
The tears fell as I entered the heart space. My kind words to self were , just stop talking when you are judging someone else, drop into your heart and love yourself enough to stop doing the judging.
Thank you
I recognize my shame, that I don’t speak at the support group meeting, feeling unworthy when I compare myself to others who are more advanced in their journey than I am. The group wouldn’t criticize me. I criticize myself. I’m working to find my feelings and sensations of this shame. Then maybe I can find some compassion and kindness toward myself. Maybe some day I will even break free of this prison of my own self making. Thank you.
Jenny Gray, Social Work, Grass Valley, CA, USAsays
I realized I was blaming myself for having allergies! My body gets exhausted from it and I can’t be as productive. I’ve been hating myself for it and not tuning into the fact that I was shooting myself with the second arrow. Thank you. Beautiful work. Tears.
I have lost the only PET I felt attached to and went through numbness denial and depressed. My neighbor gave me support and invite me to his place where he showed the pictures ofhisbirdsthat he took care of. Now I am thinking of volunteering and overcame my guilt so that I can help animals.
Joseph Izzo, M.A., L.I.C.S.W., Social Work, Washington, DC, USAsays
Ever since reading Rick Hanson’s “Buddha’s Brain: The practical neuroscience for happiness, love & wisdom” I’ve been much more mindful of the negative self talk I engage in and catch it more quickly. Often, I can feel the negativity arising & then choose not to release that second arrow. A current example is useful. I’m battling a nasty headcold, but in the past I would often berate myself for causing an illness by not 1) getting enough sleep; 2) not hand washing often; 3) not avoiding the person I knew was sick, etc.
This time, I simply wondered how I might have contracted the virus, but immediately went to being compassionate toward myself for the suffering I’m experiencing. ( The heavy coughing is hurting my chest & back muscles and is quite painful — “Poor me!” I say. “I’m sorry I’m going through this misery.”) By not adding the second arrow, I’m offering myself solace & comfort while I suffer through a nasty cold.
BRIAN STEPPACHER, Other, SOUTH PORTLAND, ME, USAsays
Thank you.
I am reminded of the wave cresting, then breaking, running up the beach, only to be withdrawn back to the ocean, mixed and repeated again. The beach becomes smoothed. Eventually, the waves subside and the tide goes in and the tide goes out.
I felt positively that I am moving in this direction more often and it was calming. I listened right after I had finished a lot of work and praised myself for doing it even though I hadn’t “finished it all.” I had made progress. I accepted that as not just ok but a lovely feeling of “getting there.” One step at a time. I can appreciate my action rather than chastise myself for not being perfect. I understood the expression progress not perfection in a truly heart space way. Yay! Janie
I think the most helpful was to see my heart space as an ocean and that the waves of feelings belong there and that makes them ok , acceptable. I will try and keep that image because the ocean wouldn’t be much of an ocean without waves and I guess neither would we be much of a human without our waves of feelings…. the really dark and the light ones, the hard and easy ones. It also helps to ‘see’ in my mind how big my heart actually is, as big as an ocean. Thank you
Hi Tara. Thanks so much for these videos. I felt such a beautiful softening for myself as I went from my head space to my heart space. I want to remember to practice this many times a day! Also, I noticed that as much as I love your videos, I feel a pit of a pang of “not good enough” as I watch the images of absolutely gorgeous, “perfect looking” women portrayed throughout. I would love it if they were a bit more “average” looking.
I was able to get tot the underlying judgement—I don’t deserve nice things. Following the steps helped create a spaciousness enough that I could reassure myself that I do deserve nice things. We all do.
I recognized this in myself and I really cried.
When I started the exercise of moving from head to heart, I was still resisting letting go until I started to breathe deeply and then my heart felt bigger as I let kindness come in to my heart space. More relaxation came in to my body as well.
Radical compassion for myself and others is something I am going to continue to develop.
Thank you for your clarity in expression of this simple and effective exercise.
What resonated with me was to love myself enough to heal. Thank you, Tara, for helping me to understand how to shift from head to heart to heart space.
Anna Eckhardt, Psychotherapy, Brooklyn, NY, USAsays
Hi Tara,
The case example was perfect. It felt like you were describing me, another mental health practitioner also considering motherhood. During the exercise I felt waves of nausea in my stomach and a sensation of wanting to throw up in my throat. There was some powerful energy and vulnerability in this self-judgement! I was able to find the message, “you are wonderful and valuable, just by doing nothing.” Looking forward to revisiting this each morning as a new practice.
Thank you,
Anna
I love the ocean visual. I am the ocean. I am not afraid of the waves. They are a part of me. I feel so grounded by these words and visual. I come from the West Coast. This visualization is easy for me, it flows into my imagination smoothly.
This video raised my awareness of head to
Hear to heart space. I could feel myself being gentle and kind to my vulnerable self and moving away from self blame and false responsibility for outcomes. I especially liked the visual of the ocean and the waves which brought a sense of calmness to me.,
I recalled my thoughts that attacked me over my difficulties separating reading from renovating my house. I lay there just trying to focus on the sensations I was experiencing. It was difficult to stay away from the self blame. My compulsion to eat to avoid feelings came up. I was distracted by different thoughts. It was a struggle to move forward. I gotta work at it.
Rebuilding self confidence after betrayal that ended a long marriage has been difficult but made more possible by exercises such as these ,and realising there are many in similar situations.
It seems ,gradually ,to lead to a healthier self perception ,to help reframe our self directed negativity into something that does not have to be our norm; but something workable . We have to live within ourselves ultimately,so we may as well try to get some perspective on the situation .
My mind felt like it was trying to correct it self and then I accept this as well it was nice
A sense of calm.
Innumerable Trials. It seems my life is just 1 never ending trial. Enduring my childhood, no communication with my mother or stepfather or brother. No connection in family at All. Then intense social anxiety so much that I flunked out of high school. Then pregnancy by a man much much older as a young girl who I was sent to have aborted. Then an intense rape by a resident doctor in his apartment. Another pregnancy by a troubled young man which I kept a secret so as not to be made to abort. 7 months pregnant, I met Vern, and my die was set. An alcoholic then and forever with macho sadist tendencies. But I thought was a safe haven and he loved my son so I committed my life to him. I was extremely disturbed during that time in my life 18- 26 yrs of age. At 28 yrs, I married him. He set up a crazy making divided household right away and I raised my kids being portrayed as the crazy victim and never supported in any and all decisions. Living separate doctrines my whole marriage. Arguments and evenings alone. Bar after bar. My second son was a quiet , pensive, beautiful boy. Yet he grew more abusive of himself and me. By age 12, he totally severed a parent/child connection and started down the very destructive path of drugs. I drug after another. My son died at age 28. My daughter was a beautiful, creative girl ??. I was so happy to have a daughter. Surely we would be close. Sadly, she is quite selfish in her whole demeanor. She has not called me 1 time to ask how I’m doing? She cares nothing for me and she blames me for what I think she believes was an awful experience having me as her mother. My oldest son has created a new life for himself and inserts me in his life in a measured way. It’s like they all know something about what I am that nobody wants to touch. It’s that way with everyone! Now I sit in a house with no one. I go to a church with Jesus as it’s head and find no one who will give me attention and living in darkness at home. I’m now 57yrs old. Where is hope? Where is joy? Where is faith? I find my self in this trap all the time. The woman in the whole with a rich overhead. It is so
Seemed effective. Hope I can bring it to mind in hard moments to move forward, past the block.
Less intense/harsh was the reaction to the self criticism. A more relaxed & spaciousness was experienced.
1. Entrapped in the spell of unworthiness.
2. Self- condemnation doesn’t help. In fact, it hurts us and makes s less capable of acting out of kindness and compassion.
It is hard to break the habit of self-judgment. Sometimes i use humour with self-judgment to defuse my embarrassment at a lapse. Not sure if this form of self-protection is helpful or unhelpful. Do I believe i left my brain at home or do I really think I am foolish for my forgetfulness? I will be forgetful at times.
3. When i blame others I fear i will keep leaving myself open to being used against my own well being. I doubt I am able to stand up for myself in a compassionate manner. This shows how little i trust myself.
I have been learning to stop beating up myself and learning to forgive and love myself ♥️
i found that things that cause me to beat up on myself, came up and then new ways to reach out for help came in when I was forgiving thanx I need to develope compassion
“Get free access now!” and then a popup appears – with stuff that starts -moving-… first right – then left – then right again… and then on mouseover – starts jumping around… and then a -second- popup with the same crap! Jeez! STOP!
I felt lighter and kinder towards me
Thank you Tara,
Beautifully said. It is true that we fear if we stop judging or blaming others they won’t change. Our own inner critic keeps us in the same place. It too feels that if it can’t do it’s job of blaming something terrible might happen to us. In it’s attempt to protect us it holds us back form feeling our tender heart of wisdom.
The piece that seemed most prominent for me was the heartspace. I was very pleasantly taken aback when that was the piece I clung to. I don’t do enough of being self-compassionate and want to increase this in my life.
I haven’t gotten to heart space yet, but I’m feeling it’s getting closer. Thank you for giving us this insight
The waves are okay. It’s what the ocean does.
I heard negative self-talk that is like my step father’s voice berating me. I said to the thoughts that they are just thoughts and I don’t have to believe them. I don’t have to play them in my mind. I shifted my attention to the sensation of breath out of my nose. What I am afraid to feel is a sense of victimization, powerlessness and despair. Afraid that if I allow my feelings to happen and forgive, I will be hurt again. Allowing myself to feel these things instead of running from them opens a sense of space like I sit in the palm of eternity, floating on the groundless ground. The pain is a window into awakening. It reminds me of a funny thing my grandfather used to say if I lost something — “I’t’ll be in the last place you look.”
Head, Heart and Heart space has its valuable function to bring me back to my body and feel what is is doing and becoming more aware that it is me being in my body .
I saw that when I experience feeling clumsy, overwhelmed, or unsure, I immediate feel shame and criticize my self into a panic.
I then sat with these feelings and could see the two arrows. The feeling of processing more slowly than I wanted to or trying to do something too quickly. I felt the feeling of being overwhelmed and not knowing where or how to start and then feeling discouraged and wanting to walk away. I saw my self struggling with retirement and not sure how to have a purpose in my life or what my purpose “should” be and then feeling panic as if I am causing myself paralysis.
I sat breathing with these feelings and watched how an interior dialogue of conflict arouse. I was arguing with myself, heaping more blame on at every layer.
Then I invited God/Love into the space. I chose love. I gave myself permission to feel clumsy, overwhelmed, and unsure. These are perfect feelings for this moment, I reassured myself. And, you are not going anywhere. You are created for love. And, love is eternal. And, love is complete. So, be still, and know that I am.
I felt emotional when I tried to connect to what my second arrow of self blame was. It was about feeling not good enough. Whenever I’m struggling I can feel compassion for myself but when I’m facing a challenge to go somewhere further in my life- somewhere I really want to be – I feel not good enough.
The tears were just running. To feel love for myself so intense – couldn’t imagine before.
And the picture of the ocean, so easy and so good! Thousands thanks!
I am able to see how fearful I am of being rejected or disposed of. This is a preverbal trauma for me and something I am consistanly working with.
sweet words…head to heart to heart space. it all seems to come down to existential terror. I’m looking forward to open heart exercises … when working with clients i often express the ease in which we can have compassion for others … and suggest we use these soft moments as a way to internalize that feeling of compassion toward our vulnerable self. I remember reading once … that the Buddha had abandonment issues…and he was always abandoning himself…until one day, a woman who saw he was nearly starved to death, fed him with the deepest tenderness and love. This was the beginning of his self realization…that he could have compassion for himself.
Thank you … Namaste’
I can completely relate to this, as well.
Finding like-minded people who accept me simply as I am and who offer support in a nurturing environment is invaluable in breaking the cyclical prison or trance of blame, shame, depression, anger and / or jealousy.
My mind was in turmoil the whole time
I need to keep repeating this practice to ameliorate entrenched thoughts
I noticed that feelings of kindness towards myself caused me to have a large shift in how I viewed my feelings of unworthiness and self blame. I could see that what I was telling myself about me was t true at all!
Encouraging.
The tears fell as I entered the heart space. My kind words to self were , just stop talking when you are judging someone else, drop into your heart and love yourself enough to stop doing the judging.
Thank you
I recognize my shame, that I don’t speak at the support group meeting, feeling unworthy when I compare myself to others who are more advanced in their journey than I am. The group wouldn’t criticize me. I criticize myself. I’m working to find my feelings and sensations of this shame. Then maybe I can find some compassion and kindness toward myself. Maybe some day I will even break free of this prison of my own self making. Thank you.
I don’t experience self-blame for my feelings of insecurity or lack of self worth. I just “feel” them. Maybe I can adjust the mindfulness practice?
Felt a little calmer , softer in front body.
I realized I was blaming myself for having allergies! My body gets exhausted from it and I can’t be as productive. I’ve been hating myself for it and not tuning into the fact that I was shooting myself with the second arrow. Thank you. Beautiful work. Tears.
You cannot be intimate with someone you are judging; judgement puts up a wall.
I agree with this statement. Judgment of others coexists with self judgment. Both block love of self & hence make love of another difficult.
I have lost the only PET I felt attached to and went through numbness denial and depressed. My neighbor gave me support and invite me to his place where he showed the pictures ofhisbirdsthat he took care of. Now I am thinking of volunteering and overcame my guilt so that I can help animals.
I didn’t realize how I was giving myself a hard time for feeling as I have during a difficult time until I viewed the video. Very helpful, softening.
Ever since reading Rick Hanson’s “Buddha’s Brain: The practical neuroscience for happiness, love & wisdom” I’ve been much more mindful of the negative self talk I engage in and catch it more quickly. Often, I can feel the negativity arising & then choose not to release that second arrow. A current example is useful. I’m battling a nasty headcold, but in the past I would often berate myself for causing an illness by not 1) getting enough sleep; 2) not hand washing often; 3) not avoiding the person I knew was sick, etc.
This time, I simply wondered how I might have contracted the virus, but immediately went to being compassionate toward myself for the suffering I’m experiencing. ( The heavy coughing is hurting my chest & back muscles and is quite painful — “Poor me!” I say. “I’m sorry I’m going through this misery.”) By not adding the second arrow, I’m offering myself solace & comfort while I suffer through a nasty cold.
I loved the visual of the ocean, the analogy of the waves representing all our feelings… I felt my heart soften.
Thank you.
I am reminded of the wave cresting, then breaking, running up the beach, only to be withdrawn back to the ocean, mixed and repeated again. The beach becomes smoothed. Eventually, the waves subside and the tide goes in and the tide goes out.
I felt positively that I am moving in this direction more often and it was calming. I listened right after I had finished a lot of work and praised myself for doing it even though I hadn’t “finished it all.” I had made progress. I accepted that as not just ok but a lovely feeling of “getting there.” One step at a time. I can appreciate my action rather than chastise myself for not being perfect. I understood the expression progress not perfection in a truly heart space way. Yay! Janie
If we remember we’re the ocean, we won’t be afraid of the waves. What a wonderful quote!
I think the most helpful was to see my heart space as an ocean and that the waves of feelings belong there and that makes them ok , acceptable. I will try and keep that image because the ocean wouldn’t be much of an ocean without waves and I guess neither would we be much of a human without our waves of feelings…. the really dark and the light ones, the hard and easy ones. It also helps to ‘see’ in my mind how big my heart actually is, as big as an ocean. Thank you
Hi Tara. Thanks so much for these videos. I felt such a beautiful softening for myself as I went from my head space to my heart space. I want to remember to practice this many times a day! Also, I noticed that as much as I love your videos, I feel a pit of a pang of “not good enough” as I watch the images of absolutely gorgeous, “perfect looking” women portrayed throughout. I would love it if they were a bit more “average” looking.
I need to try this again. I got distracted. I always wonder “Am I doing this right? “
I was able to get tot the underlying judgement—I don’t deserve nice things. Following the steps helped create a spaciousness enough that I could reassure myself that I do deserve nice things. We all do.
I recognized this in myself and I really cried.
When I started the exercise of moving from head to heart, I was still resisting letting go until I started to breathe deeply and then my heart felt bigger as I let kindness come in to my heart space. More relaxation came in to my body as well.
Radical compassion for myself and others is something I am going to continue to develop.
Thank you for your clarity in expression of this simple and effective exercise.
What resonated with me was to love myself enough to heal. Thank you, Tara, for helping me to understand how to shift from head to heart to heart space.
I felt l’m not alone, supported by myself and smiled 🙂 Thank you!!!
Hi Tara,
The case example was perfect. It felt like you were describing me, another mental health practitioner also considering motherhood. During the exercise I felt waves of nausea in my stomach and a sensation of wanting to throw up in my throat. There was some powerful energy and vulnerability in this self-judgement! I was able to find the message, “you are wonderful and valuable, just by doing nothing.” Looking forward to revisiting this each morning as a new practice.
Thank you,
Anna
I love the ocean visual. I am the ocean. I am not afraid of the waves. They are a part of me. I feel so grounded by these words and visual. I come from the West Coast. This visualization is easy for me, it flows into my imagination smoothly.