Marilyn Riches, MA counseling, Other, Sookane, WA, USAsays
I thought of my father who established a distant relationship with me and disciplined me harshly, physical punishment at times but mostly distanced himself.
My strongest emotion at my later stage in life is a deep sense of loss. When he died I grieved the relationship I never had.
As I recount this still I have tears in the back of my eyes and I hold myself in a sacred place of safety that says, “you are okay. In fact, you are more than okay. You had the generosity to sit with him in his waning days willing to just be a presence. Expecting nothing back. You did what you could.
I have continued to think about the trap of pain he was in. His alcoholism and what may have led to his self-destructive choices. How alone he must have been as he lived out his last years alone.
I have to go through a forgiveness process many times as I review the way his life has affected mine. I felt so much blame and anger towards him. I am only in later years offering self-compassion to my own experience of lostness and bewilderment and sadness of how his choices impacted my life.
Now I can say, “May you have peace. May you be free from suffering.” To myself. “ May I be free from suffering. May I have peace.”
I find it hard to release the blame from myself. I never feel I’m good enough in my work for my wife and children. I’m don’t seem to be able to let go no matter how hard I try. I constantly feel low/ depressed.
I have heard so many clients state that if they didn’t judge themselves they wouldn’t improve or wouldn’t be motivated to take action. Those statements stump me and I’ve struggled with how to reframe that. This is really helpful. I noticed that I myself experienced some resistance to the u-turn and I wonder if some of that protection element in the blaming of others might also relate to feelings of disempowerment and desire to feel powerful.
Thank you. I would be my joyful self always instead of holding into memories of people who have abused me and disrespected me. Boundaries are also important though, especially if people continue their behaviours. You have to feel safe, that is important. I think its important to make that distinction within teachings like this. Thank you again.
I don’t know who I would be, but I do know that I would likely feel a lot more light and free, and perhaps less fearful to move forward in my life. Also, the person I thought I was harboring some resentment towards, the person who did the most “damage,” was not the person I shifted to, rather it was someone else close, an “enabler to keep the peace” sort of person.
When I felt the resentment towards another person and then turned my attention towards myself I realised I was feeling quite young and sad. I needed someone to comfort me, see me. I was able to do that myself by bringing compassion to myself, especially by putting my hand on my heart. This felt soothing. Then I could see the other person was also vulnerable and unsure of themselves.
I work with a lot of clients to help them recognise the vulnerability in themselves but bringing the self compassion to that is such a lovely step in starting to heal that sadness and vulnerability. Thank you!
Wow, it’s all inside of me. It is empowering to see that I have a choice in the matter. My feelings don’t have to lead me and the act of forgiving or taking an honest look at my side without blame is transforming. Thank you Tara ??
Mary Sacksteder, Another Field, Worcester, MA, USAsays
Having just come off of a weekend at Kripalu, studying Mindful Self-Compassion I was open to the U-Turn Practice. It is a tool I can use as I sit, to help me move beyond judgement and self-blame. I have been stuck in their throes for 65 years and haven’t felt safe giving them up. Over the weekend I realized that I have been using them to obscure my power to change, to let me off the hook so I don’t have to step outside of my need for safety and grow. This isn’t another insight based on self-blame, it is empowering. I am experiencing self-compassion for the level of fear and helplessness I have lived in. I have read The Five Regrets of the Dying. I don’t want to live out my life wrapped in their cocoon. I hope the U-turn analogy helps me break out and fly!
Thank you. This last video in the series brought a tear to my eye. I also previously didn’t recognise how much self blame and judgment I was carrying. I feel I could be the best version of myself by being more accepting and compassionate toward myself and others.
hi Tara, when I told myself it was ok to feel resentment I was really quite surprised that it was okay to feel that way and I also felt like my mom was saying it to me, like she was being the warm and caring mother that she is in action, but not as often with words. So it was really helpful to hear the words and to be able to let go of the guilt for feeling that way and that it was acceptable and understandable that I would feel, that I would feel whatever I would feel actually. It felt very validating. Thank you Tara. ??
This was cathartic – I realize now that I unconsciously channel the impatience and unrealistic expectations of my youth to my grandson. I believe I know his behavior is being dictated and by whom – and I need to acknowledge that and let it go so I can establish – re-establish – a loving relationship with my young (16) grandson. You have given me the knowledge to begin work on how to do that. I seldom see him since he lives across the country, but I will work hard to determine how best to make our relationship whole again.
I needed this. I’m 2 years into my separation from husband of 28 yrs. And loss of relationship with 2 teenage daughters who are angry with me for disrupting their idyllic lives. Also 4 wks ago I was demoted into a lower position at work because I wasn’t ambitious enough to play the corporate game. Major losses for me and I’m struggling.
Thank you for these 3 videos and thank you for saying that the Uturn can take time. I just don’t get how sometimes it really feels impossible to feel compassion towards someone. I am not quite sure everyone can change. Especially when this person is really so full of anger that everytime I am at peace with me he comes back with some more hurt full messages and behaviors. Isn’t it sometimes better for my own health to just run away or avoid this person ?
Comment 2 of 2. I’ve helped guide many other people discover the power of the principles presented here. oddly, what brought me here for this video series is helping myself with a relapse of sorts. Interestingly enough I re-learned for myself that self love and mindfulness need to become habitual behavior patterns to remain effective. I have allowed my meditation and self compassion rituals to lapse, and in doing so allowed the self critic, depression and an absence of joy to re-emerge. This program came to remind me of how sneaky old self critical patterns can be when we allow our mind to run the show and bring about the feeling of being disconnected.
Thank you Tara for being a catalyst directing me back to tenderness with self.
Jennifer Kile, Psychotherapy, South Lake Tahoe, CA, USAsays
Thank you for the gift of these videos. The self-compassion exercises gave me a felt sense of expanded openness, kindness, and connection to my true self and in relation to others.
Hedda Masterson, Another Field, Poughkeepsie, NY, USAsays
Whenever I try to answer this type of question, my first reaction is fear. Fear that I am totally responsible for my own life. This puts me right back into judgement that I am stuck in a cycle of anxiety and existential aloneness.
Thank you. The three step process helped me begin to transform my pain over an uncomfortable interaction with a colleague. It is not completely settled in my heart, but this process has begun to open my heart to heart-space, and quiet the mind that keeps circling back trying to “figure it out”. Holding onto blame for me, in this instance, looks like this “figuring out” mind wanting to author one story as the right story for everyone. That is not healthy for me, and is unkind for my actual truth (which has an element of vulnerability) and the other person’s truth (whatever that may be). I was able to move inward to notice the hurt part of me that this person triggers, to get closer to my full experience. I am now a little more relaxed and compassionate rather than reactive. I can respect the chaos the other person brings is truly a trigger for me, respect my need to be mindful of boundaries with this person, without having to tell a story about them (blame). I will practice this again to move deeper into heart-space on this issue. I believe regular practice of this process over time could help me in advance of similar circumstances.
I’d love to take the course, but it’s far too expensive for me. Thank you, and NICABM for making this three part resource available at no cost. I appreciate this gift.
Thank you for your lifetime of contribution to mindfulness and inner peace, Tara Brach. I have received the benefit of your generosity.
Thank you, Tara. I would appreciate techniques, too, for setting boundaries with a person who is dangerous in your life but whom you can’t avoid. I’m in thinking of a toxic boss. I am working on letting go of blame, but I need also to protect myself from further harm.
thankyou so much I am needing to revisit self-compassion right now as the unworthiness demon arise once again.
If I could let go of self-judgment, blame and chronic blame i would find more openness ,less brittleness and have more lightness and joy in my life. thankyou x
The most mind shifting and pragmatic 30 mins of viewing Ive chosen to access in weeks. For self. For clients. For my own relationships. Looking forward to more information.
The most mind shifting and pragmatic viewing Ive chosen to access in only 30 minutes. For self. For clients. For my own relationships. Looking forward to more information. Mitch.
Thank you. It helped dissolve some of the sadness, transformed it into something less intense and that could pass through. And self compassion for imperfect me.
Thank you Tara I can see how we add to our emotional growth or lack of when we are caught in ongoing judgment and blame. the practice seems simple but I understand it will take time. could you please send an audio file so I can continue to learn from this.
At a quiet moment, I listened to these 3 videos again to focus on the practice in each segment. After a lifetime spent learning to push aside nagging feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness, judging myself and others, and assigning blame all around, … it is a revelation to have permission to listen to, acknowledge and accept my own feelings as I slowly start to work on opening to heart-space. After the last few years spent reading volumes on mindfulness and compassion, the realization that before I can offer compassion to anyone else, I first have to grant compassion to myself. Thank you.
I would be someone who could take on any task or situation with more confidence and understanding for not only myself, but others to. I could be more vulnerable and open. The me that I know is there, but not sure how to get there just yet.
Thank you – this has helped me formulate a better understanding of what I have been practicing for many years now. As a former home educator, I spent any years learning how to articulate things in ways my child could comprehend, then work with, then express for themselves. This has been a process that has eluded me until now, however. I’m sad that you’ll be taking down these three videos, as I’d love to share them more widely.
Elaine Shaw, Counseling, Charlottesville, VA, USAsays
Thanks so much,Tara! These are powerful practices which you have clearly described. In using them, ease and fulfillment in my life has increased and connection with others continues to deepen.
This was such a good reminder for me. My heart hurt when thinking of how I sometimes get angry and feel resentful, but by turning my attention to myself, it really did help me see things from a different perspective. As a nurse I can see how this will enhance my practice and help me not to be as reactive to situations and be more present and available for them.
Thank you so much.
Ricardo Villalobos, Counseling, St marys, GA, USAsays
The three step process on introduced us to helped me let go of my anger and blame and ultimately allowed me to see clearer and with compassion. Thanks.
Oooooh that’s hard 🙂 I used a very minor example and felt a small shift in blame and a bit of compassion but I totally see the value in achieving this and intend to practice hard. I grew up in a blame environment and it’s toxic, my challenge will be accepting being a ‘non-blamer’ when my perception is everyone else is still doing it…it will feel somewhat like me against the world! But I have to do it. Wish me luck!
That was really helpful. I focused on my mother in law, who was always nasty to me. I did not focus on the trauma of childhood abuse at the hands of my parents as you advised. I was able to make the U-turn by allowing myself to acknowledge the hurt I felt. Then it was possible to see her own fears and pain. I had an argument with myself about how forgiving her in her life time may have led to her being less controlling. I realised that maybe her excessive control was due to her fear that she would not have access to her grandchildren. Her fear of being separated from her grandchildren and son, as she has cut off contact with her own father, drove her to be controlling and nasty to me. Maybe me not resisting and feeling hurt and angry, but instead showing compassion, may have changed her behaviour because she no longer feared losing that contact.
Thank you. I enjoyed this immensely. It was timely, in helping me, experience the shift, and reflect on how I can support current clients in adopting self-compassion; and compassion for those with whom they have remained locked in hurt and stunted development.
id be confident. id be whole. id be independent. id stop begging for love n approval. id love myself, take care of me. self love, that’s what will work. id help to see their vulnerability, but not try to change them. they have to do that for themselves. I’d stop running away. i’d not isolate.
Listening to your teachings really began to help me shift my perspective, particularly the “u -turn”. Realizing that when I find myself in blaming mode that offering myself compassion would be a good place to start, I can see how non judgment of self can lead to non judgment of others.
If I could let go, my heart would be more open towards myself and others that cross my path. I recently lost a sister to a rare brain cancer and have never felt at peace in the way things were handled by her husband. At this point I am still feeling a lot of hurt, blame and resentment towards her husband, however, I know that if I do not create more space in my heart for him that I will not develop a relationship with my two nephews (ages 1 and 3). I appreciate your practices that you shared and hope that I can let go of judgment and blame and experience more compassion in the near future. Thanks for sharing Tara!
I would be happier, kinder and freer!
I thought of my father who established a distant relationship with me and disciplined me harshly, physical punishment at times but mostly distanced himself.
My strongest emotion at my later stage in life is a deep sense of loss. When he died I grieved the relationship I never had.
As I recount this still I have tears in the back of my eyes and I hold myself in a sacred place of safety that says, “you are okay. In fact, you are more than okay. You had the generosity to sit with him in his waning days willing to just be a presence. Expecting nothing back. You did what you could.
I have continued to think about the trap of pain he was in. His alcoholism and what may have led to his self-destructive choices. How alone he must have been as he lived out his last years alone.
I have to go through a forgiveness process many times as I review the way his life has affected mine. I felt so much blame and anger towards him. I am only in later years offering self-compassion to my own experience of lostness and bewilderment and sadness of how his choices impacted my life.
Now I can say, “May you have peace. May you be free from suffering.” To myself. “ May I be free from suffering. May I have peace.”
I find it hard to release the blame from myself. I never feel I’m good enough in my work for my wife and children. I’m don’t seem to be able to let go no matter how hard I try. I constantly feel low/ depressed.
I have heard so many clients state that if they didn’t judge themselves they wouldn’t improve or wouldn’t be motivated to take action. Those statements stump me and I’ve struggled with how to reframe that. This is really helpful. I noticed that I myself experienced some resistance to the u-turn and I wonder if some of that protection element in the blaming of others might also relate to feelings of disempowerment and desire to feel powerful.
More open to life and others and safe
Thank you. I would be my joyful self always instead of holding into memories of people who have abused me and disrespected me. Boundaries are also important though, especially if people continue their behaviours. You have to feel safe, that is important. I think its important to make that distinction within teachings like this. Thank you again.
I don’t know who I would be, but I do know that I would likely feel a lot more light and free, and perhaps less fearful to move forward in my life. Also, the person I thought I was harboring some resentment towards, the person who did the most “damage,” was not the person I shifted to, rather it was someone else close, an “enabler to keep the peace” sort of person.
Very soothing and helpful thoughts. Thanks!
When I felt the resentment towards another person and then turned my attention towards myself I realised I was feeling quite young and sad. I needed someone to comfort me, see me. I was able to do that myself by bringing compassion to myself, especially by putting my hand on my heart. This felt soothing. Then I could see the other person was also vulnerable and unsure of themselves.
I work with a lot of clients to help them recognise the vulnerability in themselves but bringing the self compassion to that is such a lovely step in starting to heal that sadness and vulnerability. Thank you!
Wow, it’s all inside of me. It is empowering to see that I have a choice in the matter. My feelings don’t have to lead me and the act of forgiving or taking an honest look at my side without blame is transforming. Thank you Tara ??
Having just come off of a weekend at Kripalu, studying Mindful Self-Compassion I was open to the U-Turn Practice. It is a tool I can use as I sit, to help me move beyond judgement and self-blame. I have been stuck in their throes for 65 years and haven’t felt safe giving them up. Over the weekend I realized that I have been using them to obscure my power to change, to let me off the hook so I don’t have to step outside of my need for safety and grow. This isn’t another insight based on self-blame, it is empowering. I am experiencing self-compassion for the level of fear and helplessness I have lived in. I have read The Five Regrets of the Dying. I don’t want to live out my life wrapped in their cocoon. I hope the U-turn analogy helps me break out and fly!
Thank you. This last video in the series brought a tear to my eye. I also previously didn’t recognise how much self blame and judgment I was carrying. I feel I could be the best version of myself by being more accepting and compassionate toward myself and others.
hi Tara, when I told myself it was ok to feel resentment I was really quite surprised that it was okay to feel that way and I also felt like my mom was saying it to me, like she was being the warm and caring mother that she is in action, but not as often with words. So it was really helpful to hear the words and to be able to let go of the guilt for feeling that way and that it was acceptable and understandable that I would feel, that I would feel whatever I would feel actually. It felt very validating. Thank you Tara. ??
Beautifully done! Thank you for concisely and lovingly constructing such a wonderful gift.
This was cathartic – I realize now that I unconsciously channel the impatience and unrealistic expectations of my youth to my grandson. I believe I know his behavior is being dictated and by whom – and I need to acknowledge that and let it go so I can establish – re-establish – a loving relationship with my young (16) grandson. You have given me the knowledge to begin work on how to do that. I seldom see him since he lives across the country, but I will work hard to determine how best to make our relationship whole again.
I needed this. I’m 2 years into my separation from husband of 28 yrs. And loss of relationship with 2 teenage daughters who are angry with me for disrupting their idyllic lives. Also 4 wks ago I was demoted into a lower position at work because I wasn’t ambitious enough to play the corporate game. Major losses for me and I’m struggling.
Thank you Tara
Thank you for these 3 videos and thank you for saying that the Uturn can take time. I just don’t get how sometimes it really feels impossible to feel compassion towards someone. I am not quite sure everyone can change. Especially when this person is really so full of anger that everytime I am at peace with me he comes back with some more hurt full messages and behaviors. Isn’t it sometimes better for my own health to just run away or avoid this person ?
Comment 2 of 2. I’ve helped guide many other people discover the power of the principles presented here. oddly, what brought me here for this video series is helping myself with a relapse of sorts. Interestingly enough I re-learned for myself that self love and mindfulness need to become habitual behavior patterns to remain effective. I have allowed my meditation and self compassion rituals to lapse, and in doing so allowed the self critic, depression and an absence of joy to re-emerge. This program came to remind me of how sneaky old self critical patterns can be when we allow our mind to run the show and bring about the feeling of being disconnected.
Thank you Tara for being a catalyst directing me back to tenderness with self.
Thank you for the gift of these videos. The self-compassion exercises gave me a felt sense of expanded openness, kindness, and connection to my true self and in relation to others.
Whenever I try to answer this type of question, my first reaction is fear. Fear that I am totally responsible for my own life. This puts me right back into judgement that I am stuck in a cycle of anxiety and existential aloneness.
I really …well…enjoyed may not be the right word…appreciated these three videos. I’m still digesting….
Thank you so much for this series. This last video helped me to offer compassion to myself after botching a huge presentation.
Thank you.
I will journal about this and look more deeply. This could bring about a radical change!
Thank you. The three step process helped me begin to transform my pain over an uncomfortable interaction with a colleague. It is not completely settled in my heart, but this process has begun to open my heart to heart-space, and quiet the mind that keeps circling back trying to “figure it out”. Holding onto blame for me, in this instance, looks like this “figuring out” mind wanting to author one story as the right story for everyone. That is not healthy for me, and is unkind for my actual truth (which has an element of vulnerability) and the other person’s truth (whatever that may be). I was able to move inward to notice the hurt part of me that this person triggers, to get closer to my full experience. I am now a little more relaxed and compassionate rather than reactive. I can respect the chaos the other person brings is truly a trigger for me, respect my need to be mindful of boundaries with this person, without having to tell a story about them (blame). I will practice this again to move deeper into heart-space on this issue. I believe regular practice of this process over time could help me in advance of similar circumstances.
I’d love to take the course, but it’s far too expensive for me. Thank you, and NICABM for making this three part resource available at no cost. I appreciate this gift.
Thank you for your lifetime of contribution to mindfulness and inner peace, Tara Brach. I have received the benefit of your generosity.
Very helpful. Thanks
Thank you, Tara. I would appreciate techniques, too, for setting boundaries with a person who is dangerous in your life but whom you can’t avoid. I’m in thinking of a toxic boss. I am working on letting go of blame, but I need also to protect myself from further harm.
thankyou so much I am needing to revisit self-compassion right now as the unworthiness demon arise once again.
If I could let go of self-judgment, blame and chronic blame i would find more openness ,less brittleness and have more lightness and joy in my life. thankyou x
it all sounds so simple, and makes sense… not so easy to do for the first time
I have been working a 12 step programme for nearly 20 years. I am constantly seeking new information
I find your insight useful.
The most mind shifting and pragmatic 30 mins of viewing Ive chosen to access in weeks. For self. For clients. For my own relationships. Looking forward to more information.
The most mind shifting and pragmatic viewing Ive chosen to access in only 30 minutes. For self. For clients. For my own relationships. Looking forward to more information. Mitch.
Thank you. It helped dissolve some of the sadness, transformed it into something less intense and that could pass through. And self compassion for imperfect me.
Thank you Tara I can see how we add to our emotional growth or lack of when we are caught in ongoing judgment and blame. the practice seems simple but I understand it will take time. could you please send an audio file so I can continue to learn from this.
At a quiet moment, I listened to these 3 videos again to focus on the practice in each segment. After a lifetime spent learning to push aside nagging feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness, judging myself and others, and assigning blame all around, … it is a revelation to have permission to listen to, acknowledge and accept my own feelings as I slowly start to work on opening to heart-space. After the last few years spent reading volumes on mindfulness and compassion, the realization that before I can offer compassion to anyone else, I first have to grant compassion to myself. Thank you.
I loved this video, I’d love the free audio recording mentioned
I would be someone who could take on any task or situation with more confidence and understanding for not only myself, but others to. I could be more vulnerable and open. The me that I know is there, but not sure how to get there just yet.
This is very helpful, both for myself and several clients I am working with currently. Thank you for sharing!
A greater expression of love
I would be free and brave!
Thank you – this has helped me formulate a better understanding of what I have been practicing for many years now. As a former home educator, I spent any years learning how to articulate things in ways my child could comprehend, then work with, then express for themselves. This has been a process that has eluded me until now, however. I’m sad that you’ll be taking down these three videos, as I’d love to share them more widely.
Thanks so much,Tara! These are powerful practices which you have clearly described. In using them, ease and fulfillment in my life has increased and connection with others continues to deepen.
This was such a good reminder for me. My heart hurt when thinking of how I sometimes get angry and feel resentful, but by turning my attention to myself, it really did help me see things from a different perspective. As a nurse I can see how this will enhance my practice and help me not to be as reactive to situations and be more present and available for them.
Thank you so much.
The three step process on introduced us to helped me let go of my anger and blame and ultimately allowed me to see clearer and with compassion. Thanks.
Oooooh that’s hard 🙂 I used a very minor example and felt a small shift in blame and a bit of compassion but I totally see the value in achieving this and intend to practice hard. I grew up in a blame environment and it’s toxic, my challenge will be accepting being a ‘non-blamer’ when my perception is everyone else is still doing it…it will feel somewhat like me against the world! But I have to do it. Wish me luck!
That was really helpful. I focused on my mother in law, who was always nasty to me. I did not focus on the trauma of childhood abuse at the hands of my parents as you advised. I was able to make the U-turn by allowing myself to acknowledge the hurt I felt. Then it was possible to see her own fears and pain. I had an argument with myself about how forgiving her in her life time may have led to her being less controlling. I realised that maybe her excessive control was due to her fear that she would not have access to her grandchildren. Her fear of being separated from her grandchildren and son, as she has cut off contact with her own father, drove her to be controlling and nasty to me. Maybe me not resisting and feeling hurt and angry, but instead showing compassion, may have changed her behaviour because she no longer feared losing that contact.
Thank you. I enjoyed this immensely. It was timely, in helping me, experience the shift, and reflect on how I can support current clients in adopting self-compassion; and compassion for those with whom they have remained locked in hurt and stunted development.
id be confident. id be whole. id be independent. id stop begging for love n approval. id love myself, take care of me. self love, that’s what will work. id help to see their vulnerability, but not try to change them. they have to do that for themselves. I’d stop running away. i’d not isolate.
Listening to your teachings really began to help me shift my perspective, particularly the “u -turn”. Realizing that when I find myself in blaming mode that offering myself compassion would be a good place to start, I can see how non judgment of self can lead to non judgment of others.
If I could let go, my heart would be more open towards myself and others that cross my path. I recently lost a sister to a rare brain cancer and have never felt at peace in the way things were handled by her husband. At this point I am still feeling a lot of hurt, blame and resentment towards her husband, however, I know that if I do not create more space in my heart for him that I will not develop a relationship with my two nephews (ages 1 and 3). I appreciate your practices that you shared and hope that I can let go of judgment and blame and experience more compassion in the near future. Thanks for sharing Tara!