I was able to sit quietly with myself, just being. It was as if I was sitting with a friend, not trying to fix anything…..but be present with what was.
I just watched this after coming home from a yoga class. Yoga is teaching me to love my body and myself just as I am. I am 67 years old and am just embracing this concept of being my best friend. I resolved to try to never again berate myself or talk negatively to myself. If those thoughts try to creep in, I say stop! You may not talk about my best friend that way. Thanks for this reinforcing message.
Tara, I just listenend to your first video and hearing your story was so striking to me because it was like my own words were coming out of your mouth! I have been on the path of being my own best friend for awhile , but I can sure still go to that core sense of unworthiness at times. It’s not a one time fix is it? More like a lifetime practice of developing compassion and love. I look forward to the rest of this series.
Thank you so much for offering this for free. Just for offering it period, but I know many people will watch it who would not have wanted to or been able to pay for it.
Here’s what I experienced when I was watching it. I had open-heart surgery more than two years ago. But when I watched this, I noticed that area to the left of my incision was feeling pain. I was unconsciously rubbing it as I was listening to you.
You asked us to notice what we were feeling right at the moment. This pain was what I was literally feeling with my fingertips, but I asked myself what was underneath that pain, and the answer was fear, fear that my heart was going to give out. You said to look at it with kindness, and I did. I felt that when I did that, I was bathing the area in my tears. It made me want to sing the hymn “Lacrimosa,” which has to do with sorrow.
But when I bathed my heart in tears, the fear converted to love. Not love of my heart or love of myself but just inherent love. It made me eager to take this meditation and apply it to all of the pains in my life—otherness, people’s bad behavior, my own bad behavior, lies publicly told, ruthlessness among people who are chosen to protect (some politicians), etc.—and to apply those tears to them, which is really applying them to me, my view of what hurts. I think it has to do with loving attention.
This is such a rich meditation. Its gifts, I can imagine, will cascade for as long as I am open to it.
I recalled a very dear friend who died . She appeared in a dream of another close friend of ours and said ‘the most important thing is to be kind’
Thank you so much for that lovely reminder.
And for the real kindness you bring and share
I felt really hurt by a text I received last week from a family member, and during the exercise I realised I feel very deeply hurt, sad and misunderstood, when I was really trying to do my best. It was painful, but loving, to allow myself to see this, and it feels as though I have already started to move through it a little, simply by embracing myself and my pain. I will see if I can stay with this some more, when every bit of me would rather avoid it.
Considering how I felt within, I felt like I was holding a rigid position. Trying to deal with a very challenging family situation, I see I am so busy trying to sort things out in my mind and that becomes tiring. Trying so hard to come to peace with the problem. It feels relentless.
When I tried to bring kindness to my core belief that I have failed in many decades (4) of attempted inner work to heal my eating disorder and sense of aloneness, as well as my incessant judgements of those closest to me, it felt like a much weaker force than was/is necessary to overcome these lifelong patterns of self-harming behaviours and harsh thoughts. It felt like David versus Goliath. At the same time, there was a sense of a small seed of hope. So small.
What a remarkable shift (physiologically and emotionally) when I introduced the warmth of compassion!! It was like a restless, cranky child got a caring hug from the mother (the metaphorical higher self I guess). Best 13 mins investment to start the Wednesday, thank you and much love
I sometimes think am the only one experiencing these feelings of unworthiness.. I wish that this video had offered. At least one positive suggestion on how to deal with the trance of unworthiness that I could work on today.
when I put awareness and compassion, I automaticly smile. And when I smile inside, I could feel love toward me. I could feel tenderness. And It is very powerfull.
When I give my self loving kindness I Invariably go back to being a very young boy of six in my happy place where the world was whole and exciting and I bring some of those memories to my 57 year old adult.
I have been doing this practically my whole life. I don’t know how I learned it. Probably going to church. It’s not a practice but a way of being. Probably the church community and family modeled & reinforced the practice of kindness, compassion as a natural perspective, practice. I appreciate more deeply my early upbringing w the church community & family.
Tara,
Thank you and NICABM for doing these videos. I experienced a lot in that 12 minutes! Before I listened, I journaled that there was something missing for me in the title “unworthy and underserving” and you nailed it: insufficient, inadequate, not up to the task is part of this for me. What struck me is when you said that not only are we facing our own sense of unworthiness but that we often get external messages that we are inadequate, etc. It was as if I saw all those messages (you’re old (incompetent, uninteresting); retired (not useful or needed); wrong, because you’re just a bleeding heart liberal), go up in smoke—they too are just thoughts. It reminded me to be more aware of how external events impact thoughts about myself and not to treat them any more real because someone else says it. I also realized how much more optimistic I feel now at 72 than at age 20. I have deep gratitude for you and so many teachers for this. I teach college students and they are eager to learn about living more true to themselves and living more true from their authentic self.
Catherine Dillon, Another Field, Oakland Gardens, NY, USAsays
Love this. But all your opening images were Caucasian people, even the drawn face. Later, it got more balanced, thanks. Please improve the diversity of the opening images. That distracted me from the talk. What happened was that I brought kindness to my wariness around people who are insensitive about homophobia, which hurts me personally and is currently active in my life. With Tara’s guidance to apply kindness to my sense of inadequacy when I encounter insensitivity, I relaxed and was able to open to a broader perspective.
I felt guilty about being distant with people I can’t handle. Felt unworthy and despondent about work that is both challenging and unreliable (not making enough to support myself). Lastly felt loneliness, as well as despair that the loneliness will never go away. My face got hot and prickly and I felt sad
The to do items are still scattered in front of me on my desk, but I am breathing easier with them, and the slippery slope into the not-good-enough pockets, I acknowledged with more care rather than judgements….
Thank you
I really want the feeling of being my own best friend, but it’s only words at this point. I do feel “acceptance with kindness” has a maybe I can do this feeling to it thank you!
Tears. Tears, tears, tears. Tears reading other people’s responses. The felt sense of communal hurt. This was accompanied by a deep feeling of being seen, cared for, accepted, and wanting that for others also.
I quickly found myself feeling just a tad more relaxed, and OK being with the feeling/emotion (anxiety/disapproval) in the moment. The image of the Buddha’s cloak wrapping gently around me, something I learned just a day ago in a podcast with Jack Kornfield, came to mind. As it is difficult for me to imagine someone close to me giving me a hug or even hugging myself (accepting closeness and intimacy), the image of the Buddha’s cloak felt safe and allowed me to relax just a bit. It was good.
As I was meeting my feeling of apprehension with kindness I felt a sense of relief as my body let go of tension and realised I can let myself be with this.
I wasn’t sure that I was doing what you suggested. It felt a bit like trying to direct myself and that was too hard. I will watch the next video and keep trying.
Have been following Tara for over 7yrs now- through brian trauma, recovery, parenting teenagers and other life “ stuff” – so grateful for her wisdom that always seems to resonate with me.
I acknowledged where my pain was coming from, being perceived as flawed, not a good person or most importantly a good mother.
When I asked myself can I be with this? I began to offer myself some compassion for my feelings as I would a friend who was feeling this way.
I started to feel a little lighter, but it was hard to stay with it because I wanted someone else to do it. Like you said, the “evidence” around me isn’t supporting me feeling worthy. I’m really tired of feeling stuck in this place. So I hope to learn some tools.
Erika Simon, Another Field, Brookline , MA, USAsays
When I brought kindness to my self-disparaging and insecurities, my body relaxed a tiny bit. I felt as though I had walked into the spring sunlight. I also started crying hard.
I became aware of big tension in my thighs (like a freeze response, as if they were a block of ice) and I became aware of a slight softening/melting on the edges by the feeling of “care” being brought to it! Just feeling that someone cared for me, made a big difference to the overall feeling of isolation, previous felt.
I was feeling turmoil inside as if I was in a row boat rowing in circles. (I am a rower). When I applied compassion I visioned the boat leading off out of the circle, on a path away from the circle. I will keep this with me. Thank you.
I stopped wanting to lash out. I was feeling very small, and angry. Sitting with it showed me that my anger was because of feeling hurt. I’m reaching for a way to feel strong and to feel heard, and being angry in this way truly doesn’t make me feel any stronger, and it definitely doesn’t help me to be heard.
Unfortunately not a lot. I’m stuck with how to make that kindness real. I can say kind things to myself in my head, but it doesn’t seem to sink in. I’m still left with a running commentary of self-doubt, indecision, and the need to be appreciated (validated); left over from childhood abuse, chronic disease, and addiction.
I realized that a part of me just wants to be heard.
I was able to sit quietly with myself, just being. It was as if I was sitting with a friend, not trying to fix anything…..but be present with what was.
Tears rise up
I just watched this after coming home from a yoga class. Yoga is teaching me to love my body and myself just as I am. I am 67 years old and am just embracing this concept of being my best friend. I resolved to try to never again berate myself or talk negatively to myself. If those thoughts try to creep in, I say stop! You may not talk about my best friend that way. Thanks for this reinforcing message.
I became scared, I wanted to leave, avoid the heaviness. It felt too much.
Tara, I just listenend to your first video and hearing your story was so striking to me because it was like my own words were coming out of your mouth! I have been on the path of being my own best friend for awhile , but I can sure still go to that core sense of unworthiness at times. It’s not a one time fix is it? More like a lifetime practice of developing compassion and love. I look forward to the rest of this series.
Thank you so much for offering this for free. Just for offering it period, but I know many people will watch it who would not have wanted to or been able to pay for it.
Here’s what I experienced when I was watching it. I had open-heart surgery more than two years ago. But when I watched this, I noticed that area to the left of my incision was feeling pain. I was unconsciously rubbing it as I was listening to you.
You asked us to notice what we were feeling right at the moment. This pain was what I was literally feeling with my fingertips, but I asked myself what was underneath that pain, and the answer was fear, fear that my heart was going to give out. You said to look at it with kindness, and I did. I felt that when I did that, I was bathing the area in my tears. It made me want to sing the hymn “Lacrimosa,” which has to do with sorrow.
But when I bathed my heart in tears, the fear converted to love. Not love of my heart or love of myself but just inherent love. It made me eager to take this meditation and apply it to all of the pains in my life—otherness, people’s bad behavior, my own bad behavior, lies publicly told, ruthlessness among people who are chosen to protect (some politicians), etc.—and to apply those tears to them, which is really applying them to me, my view of what hurts. I think it has to do with loving attention.
This is such a rich meditation. Its gifts, I can imagine, will cascade for as long as I am open to it.
Many thanks,
Namaste
I recalled a very dear friend who died . She appeared in a dream of another close friend of ours and said ‘the most important thing is to be kind’
Thank you so much for that lovely reminder.
And for the real kindness you bring and share
I felt really hurt by a text I received last week from a family member, and during the exercise I realised I feel very deeply hurt, sad and misunderstood, when I was really trying to do my best. It was painful, but loving, to allow myself to see this, and it feels as though I have already started to move through it a little, simply by embracing myself and my pain. I will see if I can stay with this some more, when every bit of me would rather avoid it.
Considering how I felt within, I felt like I was holding a rigid position. Trying to deal with a very challenging family situation, I see I am so busy trying to sort things out in my mind and that becomes tiring. Trying so hard to come to peace with the problem. It feels relentless.
When I tried to bring kindness to my core belief that I have failed in many decades (4) of attempted inner work to heal my eating disorder and sense of aloneness, as well as my incessant judgements of those closest to me, it felt like a much weaker force than was/is necessary to overcome these lifelong patterns of self-harming behaviours and harsh thoughts. It felt like David versus Goliath. At the same time, there was a sense of a small seed of hope. So small.
I felt a general malaise and anxiety. When I used compassio, I felt sad, but not so tightly wound.
What a remarkable shift (physiologically and emotionally) when I introduced the warmth of compassion!! It was like a restless, cranky child got a caring hug from the mother (the metaphorical higher self I guess). Best 13 mins investment to start the Wednesday, thank you and much love
I sometimes think am the only one experiencing these feelings of unworthiness.. I wish that this video had offered. At least one positive suggestion on how to deal with the trance of unworthiness that I could work on today.
when I put awareness and compassion, I automaticly smile. And when I smile inside, I could feel love toward me. I could feel tenderness. And It is very powerfull.
When I give my self loving kindness I Invariably go back to being a very young boy of six in my happy place where the world was whole and exciting and I bring some of those memories to my 57 year old adult.
I used to get angry!
I have been doing this practically my whole life. I don’t know how I learned it. Probably going to church. It’s not a practice but a way of being. Probably the church community and family modeled & reinforced the practice of kindness, compassion as a natural perspective, practice. I appreciate more deeply my early upbringing w the church community & family.
I just got introduced to the RAIN method and find it fascinating.
Tara,
Thank you and NICABM for doing these videos. I experienced a lot in that 12 minutes! Before I listened, I journaled that there was something missing for me in the title “unworthy and underserving” and you nailed it: insufficient, inadequate, not up to the task is part of this for me. What struck me is when you said that not only are we facing our own sense of unworthiness but that we often get external messages that we are inadequate, etc. It was as if I saw all those messages (you’re old (incompetent, uninteresting); retired (not useful or needed); wrong, because you’re just a bleeding heart liberal), go up in smoke—they too are just thoughts. It reminded me to be more aware of how external events impact thoughts about myself and not to treat them any more real because someone else says it. I also realized how much more optimistic I feel now at 72 than at age 20. I have deep gratitude for you and so many teachers for this. I teach college students and they are eager to learn about living more true to themselves and living more true from their authentic self.
Just bought your book. (radical acceptance) Thanking God to have put you on my path. I am at this crossway. Many thanks. xxx
Love this. But all your opening images were Caucasian people, even the drawn face. Later, it got more balanced, thanks. Please improve the diversity of the opening images. That distracted me from the talk. What happened was that I brought kindness to my wariness around people who are insensitive about homophobia, which hurts me personally and is currently active in my life. With Tara’s guidance to apply kindness to my sense of inadequacy when I encounter insensitivity, I relaxed and was able to open to a broader perspective.
I felt guilty about being distant with people I can’t handle. Felt unworthy and despondent about work that is both challenging and unreliable (not making enough to support myself). Lastly felt loneliness, as well as despair that the loneliness will never go away. My face got hot and prickly and I felt sad
The to do items are still scattered in front of me on my desk, but I am breathing easier with them, and the slippery slope into the not-good-enough pockets, I acknowledged with more care rather than judgements….
Thank you
Just a sense of calm
I felt al tille lighter, more serene, more grounded
I really want the feeling of being my own best friend, but it’s only words at this point. I do feel “acceptance with kindness” has a maybe I can do this feeling to it thank you!
Thank you Tara. As I listened to your voice a deep sense of sadness and grief grew stronger as did my love and care for my pain. Namaste.
Tears. Tears, tears, tears. Tears reading other people’s responses. The felt sense of communal hurt. This was accompanied by a deep feeling of being seen, cared for, accepted, and wanting that for others also.
Despair at ever being able to shift the feelings of unworthiness and self blame for not being good enough
I am so anxious that I feel nausea. I try but don’t seem to be very successful.
Thank you Tara. What a beautiful video and so powerful.
I cried and just reminder myself to care and be compassionate with myself.
I quickly found myself feeling just a tad more relaxed, and OK being with the feeling/emotion (anxiety/disapproval) in the moment. The image of the Buddha’s cloak wrapping gently around me, something I learned just a day ago in a podcast with Jack Kornfield, came to mind. As it is difficult for me to imagine someone close to me giving me a hug or even hugging myself (accepting closeness and intimacy), the image of the Buddha’s cloak felt safe and allowed me to relax just a bit. It was good.
As I was meeting my feeling of apprehension with kindness I felt a sense of relief as my body let go of tension and realised I can let myself be with this.
I wasn’t sure that I was doing what you suggested. It felt a bit like trying to direct myself and that was too hard. I will watch the next video and keep trying.
Have been following Tara for over 7yrs now- through brian trauma, recovery, parenting teenagers and other life “ stuff” – so grateful for her wisdom that always seems to resonate with me.
I feel more at ease ; with some space to be gentle , something opens inside of me . I feel somehow content and want to smile .
I acknowledged where my pain was coming from, being perceived as flawed, not a good person or most importantly a good mother.
When I asked myself can I be with this? I began to offer myself some compassion for my feelings as I would a friend who was feeling this way.
I felt calmer and more spacious and felt compelled to place my hand on my heart and offered a word of encouragement.
The softness surrounded the feeling of guilt and I was able to hug with the same loving softness the harsher inner part <3
I started to feel a little lighter, but it was hard to stay with it because I wanted someone else to do it. Like you said, the “evidence” around me isn’t supporting me feeling worthy. I’m really tired of feeling stuck in this place. So I hope to learn some tools.
When I brought kindness to my self-disparaging and insecurities, my body relaxed a tiny bit. I felt as though I had walked into the spring sunlight. I also started crying hard.
I became aware of big tension in my thighs (like a freeze response, as if they were a block of ice) and I became aware of a slight softening/melting on the edges by the feeling of “care” being brought to it! Just feeling that someone cared for me, made a big difference to the overall feeling of isolation, previous felt.
I was feeling turmoil inside as if I was in a row boat rowing in circles. (I am a rower). When I applied compassion I visioned the boat leading off out of the circle, on a path away from the circle. I will keep this with me. Thank you.
When I bring kindness to what is happening inside, I feel a softening of the heart. I feel the light of presence. I feel safe, loved, and included.
I stopped wanting to lash out. I was feeling very small, and angry. Sitting with it showed me that my anger was because of feeling hurt. I’m reaching for a way to feel strong and to feel heard, and being angry in this way truly doesn’t make me feel any stronger, and it definitely doesn’t help me to be heard.
It grounds me and makes me realize I don’t have to fight it, and face it with kindness. Very helpful, thank you!
A new sense of ease
Unfortunately not a lot. I’m stuck with how to make that kindness real. I can say kind things to myself in my head, but it doesn’t seem to sink in. I’m still left with a running commentary of self-doubt, indecision, and the need to be appreciated (validated); left over from childhood abuse, chronic disease, and addiction.
I’ve found this video extremely helpful and useful, thanks!