I was able , genuinely able , to mitigate against my self blame of my current anxiety.
That anxiety is ,indeed , a wave on an expansive ocean of space inside my heart.I will continue repeating this practice.
A lot came up for me during the exercise. I was allowing myself to feel into my heartbreak, my feelings connected with sorts of thoughts of self-judgment (“you should have known better than to let him in, than to be vulnerable with someone who ended up manipulating and abusing you, you should have remembered that this happens with ‘straight-acting’ white men – and now you triggered in YOURSELF these feelings of unworthiness and acceptance of disrespect, rejection and abuse”). I allowed myself to cry, and to hold my heart, and tell my inner child, “It’s okay shaya, you are loved”, which I repeated and began quietly weeping. Speaking to that inner feminine child, who wanted love, intimacy and to feel worthy from a lifetime of shame and guilt for being gay and effeminate. For never feeling good enough compared to women, and never being comfortable with the socialization of being a man. Choosing trans and gender non conformity for my own liberation in self-expression, but in the process becoming a target for men’s insecurities who found me attractive, and hated themselves for it.
I do feel more spaciousness in the oceanic part of my heart, and a willingness to feel into the waves of distress and despair that come from feeling unworthy and judging myself. I just don’t know how I’ll be the next time I see this person who abused me, and if he’ll express any apology for his harm. I guess I can’t control that. What I can control is being present to my own process of self-healing from this trauma, and commitment to be my own vehicle of self-love.
I feel vulnerable and uncertain. My family of origin is severely fractured. There is my brother and my father. My brothers is virtually/possibly hikkikomori (I sometimes wonder if he is still alive-and will check on this in the coming weeks) and my father is hard and blameful making it very difficult to maintain a relationship. For the most part I am strong and persevere on my own but after returning home from a mental health facility yesterday I feel criticised by my partner I live with which isn’t at all helping me move forward with strength, certainty and confidence. I will need to listen to these talks repeatedly.
For me it was like a reminder, where I couldn’t make this shift before, even I heard about it, I think, this is great developmental tools to bring it to my daily practice, like a self care, thank you for sharing.
It is lovely to have a label for the parts…over the years my head has decided it wanted to be in control. My heart was ranked as less important and my heart space has consequently been underdeveloped and under resourced. I have now the desire to move the balance towards heart space with a lovely simple technique thanks to Tara.
I found the image of the arrow very helpful. I realise that I always shoot the second arrow at myself when feeling guilty. The movement from the head to the heart and then the heart space is a good exercise and one that I will have to work on for myself. Thank you
I realize and hear my thoughts. “You are not worthy, you are not doing enough, you will n ever reach, you didn’t go to uni ect…..i feel unworthy deep down and this paralize me sometimes.
I send myself love…yet i have a feeling thats is not enough ?
When I thought about insecurity, I noticed my chest tighten as my abdominal muscles did, too. Then, when instructed, I placed my hand over my heart and patted myself and I felt a release of the tension in my chest and a bit of a tingling and all the tightness subsided, I felt a bit like crying but happy crying.
Oh, bless you. You model compassion just with your voice. Loved the image of the ocean waves and that we are the ocean. We tend to not want to own uncomfortable feelings, when healing requires awareness, acknowledgment, acceptance, and action. Thanks so much. I learn from you every time.
Working on separating what someone is doing, is their issue and not mine.
Head, to heart is good reminder to focus on feelings, then give positives self talk and holding hand over my heart feels like I am being kind to myself. I do not have to argue with someone else about their issue.
Anh nguyen, Another Field, Germantown , MD, USAsays
I felt more calm and a little more at peace. I could feel my heart getting less tight and my body less tensed. I felt a little safer. A deep breath while have my hand on my heart soothed the ache and tightness. I talked to my young self and told myself no one is perfect so if you can forgive them, you should forgive yourself too.
My father has been dead for 17 years – but as I closed my eyes and gave myself compassion my father stood before me. But this father- the one I had internalized – took up the self compassion and smiled at my child self – and he danced with her! It felt like a miracle. No, my real father didn’t do this – but what does that matter now? The father that lives in me, narrates self blame, shifted and that feels profound. Thank you.
Step 3 unhooked the snowball effect of my self- criticism and left me feeling self-compassion. With awareness and practice, the unhooking will begin in Step 1. Eager to try this!
The 2 arrow analogy was very helpful……the space to allow a behaviour that i would not call helpful…..to just let it be. Self kindness for a younger, vulnerable part did feel opening to me.
Lovely simple practice, and one we need reminding of- reminds me of remembering to be just curious with ourselves and others, and keeping our heart open to giving and receiving kindness.
Janet, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
It was really helpful to follow your three steps. I could feel both arrows for my selfblaming. But your advice to keep breathing helped me to feel the pain I was creating. I do have developed a much better mindfullness over the past couple of years so I do realize when I´m in difficult, painful situations that I stop breathing. The combination of keeping on breathing and then turn to my heart feels much esasier,giving me the confidence that I can face my feelings and not beeing overwhelmed by them. Turning into heartspace is a new step for me, not completely new, but in this 3 step process it was really the essential part. Freedom, compassion came in an easy way, no hard work was required, as I usually experience in my daily life when I encounter such situations of self-judgement.
Thank you very much for offering this wonderful help!!!!! Looking very much forward to your third “advice”.
A sense of softening and opening as I placed my hand on my heart. More self acceptance. It is a process for sure, beginning with acknowledgement of the hurt and judgement….
This is not a pathway that is well known to me. It takes me time to identify the self judgment and then the fear; time to draw close enough to feel the “waves” of these emotions. It is difficult for me to leave the thought patterns behind. I get glimpses of something that is beyond blame, beyond fear…. I would like to get better acquainted with that part of myself. Thank you.
Thank you Tara! I could connect with my heart ache just as I felt a sharp pain at my back between my shoulder blades. Then when I began to talk softly and kindly to myself, the pain was still there but I began to shed tears that I was holding inside myself. Now I feel better…
Sandy Davis, Another Field, Costa Mesa, CA, USAsays
Thanks Tara, activating my co-dependence. The need to be accepted by another, despite the triggers of unworthiness and abandonment being activated. The desire for self love and acceptance as the solution. Getting there can be a wayward path….
It’s so easy to judge myself for eating incorrectly.
I felt it in my burning throat and chest.
Then I lost my concentration!
I will try again.
This time there are tears behind my eyes.
Grown up, compassionate and wise me
Says, it’s alright sweetheart.
Your body is perfect right now, always has been.
Little chubby girl me feels her support and love.
YOU are not the state of your body. You are a beautiful spirit trapped in a difficult to manage composition of carbon and biological matter. YOU are more than your weight or appearance and the world is lucky to have YOU here interacting and learning regardless of how well you are able to manage such a varied and incredibly difficult thing as the nature of the human body you are contained within. Your body is something you have, not what or who you are. I hope your journey to self love guides you to the peace of this knowledge and you are able to find the self-love and confidence to feel absolutely remarkable no matter what your container looks like. ❤
Every time I listen to you Tara, a big shift happens inside. It’s a shift from not feeling being as strong as all the others appear, and let us know we should be, to feeling “ normal “ and peaceful. It’s all right, that’s what I hear from you and end up feeling very calm and peaceful.
So looking forward to your next video.
With love and gratitude for your message,
Dominique
I noted how hard I’m being on myself for feeling fear about an upcoming move I’m making. I noticed how negatively I respond when confusing or conflicting feelings come up – about a lot of things. I really only accept a small range of responses in myself. It’s very limiting for someone who is so faceted and deeply feeling. I resist the idea that two conflicting and complicated truths can exist inside me side by side.
I found it very moving and experienced a softening, both emotional and physical. The notion of “being my own best friend” brought tears and made me realize how hard I continue to push myself and how mercilessly critical I can be
Oh my! I found the feelings lodged in my throat. I have hypothyroidism, and I know it is related to unaccepted and unspoken feelings. But knowing is not enough, and moving to heart and heart space is difficult…
The second arrow was hidden at first, and when I caught a glimpse of it, then I realized how I was compounding my judgement against myself. It’s easy to forgive the obvious, the negative self-talk and immediate judgement, but forgiving and soothing the voice that tells me I should not judge myself was lovely, kinder, and gentle.
I cried because I saw what I had been doing to myself. I looked at myself as a child, the one that was good and still is. I saw how talking to myself like I have has just been a defense mechanism to protect my heart from hurt.
I was able , genuinely able , to mitigate against my self blame of my current anxiety.
That anxiety is ,indeed , a wave on an expansive ocean of space inside my heart.I will continue repeating this practice.
A lot came up for me during the exercise. I was allowing myself to feel into my heartbreak, my feelings connected with sorts of thoughts of self-judgment (“you should have known better than to let him in, than to be vulnerable with someone who ended up manipulating and abusing you, you should have remembered that this happens with ‘straight-acting’ white men – and now you triggered in YOURSELF these feelings of unworthiness and acceptance of disrespect, rejection and abuse”). I allowed myself to cry, and to hold my heart, and tell my inner child, “It’s okay shaya, you are loved”, which I repeated and began quietly weeping. Speaking to that inner feminine child, who wanted love, intimacy and to feel worthy from a lifetime of shame and guilt for being gay and effeminate. For never feeling good enough compared to women, and never being comfortable with the socialization of being a man. Choosing trans and gender non conformity for my own liberation in self-expression, but in the process becoming a target for men’s insecurities who found me attractive, and hated themselves for it.
I do feel more spaciousness in the oceanic part of my heart, and a willingness to feel into the waves of distress and despair that come from feeling unworthy and judging myself. I just don’t know how I’ll be the next time I see this person who abused me, and if he’ll express any apology for his harm. I guess I can’t control that. What I can control is being present to my own process of self-healing from this trauma, and commitment to be my own vehicle of self-love.
I feel vulnerable and uncertain. My family of origin is severely fractured. There is my brother and my father. My brothers is virtually/possibly hikkikomori (I sometimes wonder if he is still alive-and will check on this in the coming weeks) and my father is hard and blameful making it very difficult to maintain a relationship. For the most part I am strong and persevere on my own but after returning home from a mental health facility yesterday I feel criticised by my partner I live with which isn’t at all helping me move forward with strength, certainty and confidence. I will need to listen to these talks repeatedly.
For me it was like a reminder, where I couldn’t make this shift before, even I heard about it, I think, this is great developmental tools to bring it to my daily practice, like a self care, thank you for sharing.
Thank you – it definitely creates a softening and spaciousness.
It is lovely to have a label for the parts…over the years my head has decided it wanted to be in control. My heart was ranked as less important and my heart space has consequently been underdeveloped and under resourced. I have now the desire to move the balance towards heart space with a lovely simple technique thanks to Tara.
I found the image of the arrow very helpful. I realise that I always shoot the second arrow at myself when feeling guilty. The movement from the head to the heart and then the heart space is a good exercise and one that I will have to work on for myself. Thank you
I have the intention to be kind to myself but it’s hard. Maybe it’s just I am lethargic
I realize and hear my thoughts. “You are not worthy, you are not doing enough, you will n ever reach, you didn’t go to uni ect…..i feel unworthy deep down and this paralize me sometimes.
I send myself love…yet i have a feeling thats is not enough ?
Will do the exercice again and again ?
This is a beautiful message and even though I have heard similar before it is one I need to keep hearing …Thank you
When I thought about insecurity, I noticed my chest tighten as my abdominal muscles did, too. Then, when instructed, I placed my hand over my heart and patted myself and I felt a release of the tension in my chest and a bit of a tingling and all the tightness subsided, I felt a bit like crying but happy crying.
I loved the analogy of the waves and the ocean. Everything became clear
It brings me into a place of tenderness, safety and calm… reminding me that everything and I am okay.
Really awesome thank you
Feel my chest open. Like after the last session finding the feelings opened me. Gave me space to be the kinder person I wish to be
Oh, bless you. You model compassion just with your voice. Loved the image of the ocean waves and that we are the ocean. We tend to not want to own uncomfortable feelings, when healing requires awareness, acknowledgment, acceptance, and action. Thanks so much. I learn from you every time.
Working on separating what someone is doing, is their issue and not mine.
Head, to heart is good reminder to focus on feelings, then give positives self talk and holding hand over my heart feels like I am being kind to myself. I do not have to argue with someone else about their issue.
I felt more calm and a little more at peace. I could feel my heart getting less tight and my body less tensed. I felt a little safer. A deep breath while have my hand on my heart soothed the ache and tightness. I talked to my young self and told myself no one is perfect so if you can forgive them, you should forgive yourself too.
My father has been dead for 17 years – but as I closed my eyes and gave myself compassion my father stood before me. But this father- the one I had internalized – took up the self compassion and smiled at my child self – and he danced with her! It felt like a miracle. No, my real father didn’t do this – but what does that matter now? The father that lives in me, narrates self blame, shifted and that feels profound. Thank you.
Beautiful practice!
Step 3 unhooked the snowball effect of my self- criticism and left me feeling self-compassion. With awareness and practice, the unhooking will begin in Step 1. Eager to try this!
The 2 arrow analogy was very helpful……the space to allow a behaviour that i would not call helpful…..to just let it be. Self kindness for a younger, vulnerable part did feel opening to me.
Lovely simple practice, and one we need reminding of- reminds me of remembering to be just curious with ourselves and others, and keeping our heart open to giving and receiving kindness.
Janet, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
I find the image of the see including the waves very helpfull it’s a very strong methaper for me. Thank you Tara
I’m in the moment. there is no past or future. I’m relaxed.
It was really helpful to follow your three steps. I could feel both arrows for my selfblaming. But your advice to keep breathing helped me to feel the pain I was creating. I do have developed a much better mindfullness over the past couple of years so I do realize when I´m in difficult, painful situations that I stop breathing. The combination of keeping on breathing and then turn to my heart feels much esasier,giving me the confidence that I can face my feelings and not beeing overwhelmed by them. Turning into heartspace is a new step for me, not completely new, but in this 3 step process it was really the essential part. Freedom, compassion came in an easy way, no hard work was required, as I usually experience in my daily life when I encounter such situations of self-judgement.
Thank you very much for offering this wonderful help!!!!! Looking very much forward to your third “advice”.
A sense of softening and opening as I placed my hand on my heart. More self acceptance. It is a process for sure, beginning with acknowledgement of the hurt and judgement….
I felt heaviness in my belly and then I felt lighter. Thank you for the imagery.
thank you as soon as you stop judgement and just observe , your whole world changes – each wave in ocean is just another breath calming me
Finally, I’m getting how to get out of the cycle. Thank you Tara for teaching us.
This is not a pathway that is well known to me. It takes me time to identify the self judgment and then the fear; time to draw close enough to feel the “waves” of these emotions. It is difficult for me to leave the thought patterns behind. I get glimpses of something that is beyond blame, beyond fear…. I would like to get better acquainted with that part of myself. Thank you.
Thank you Tara! I could connect with my heart ache just as I felt a sharp pain at my back between my shoulder blades. Then when I began to talk softly and kindly to myself, the pain was still there but I began to shed tears that I was holding inside myself. Now I feel better…
to drop the 2nd arrow is so important. thank you. ?
Thanks Tara, activating my co-dependence. The need to be accepted by another, despite the triggers of unworthiness and abandonment being activated. The desire for self love and acceptance as the solution. Getting there can be a wayward path….
It’s so easy to judge myself for eating incorrectly.
I felt it in my burning throat and chest.
Then I lost my concentration!
I will try again.
This time there are tears behind my eyes.
Grown up, compassionate and wise me
Says, it’s alright sweetheart.
Your body is perfect right now, always has been.
Little chubby girl me feels her support and love.
YOU are not the state of your body. You are a beautiful spirit trapped in a difficult to manage composition of carbon and biological matter. YOU are more than your weight or appearance and the world is lucky to have YOU here interacting and learning regardless of how well you are able to manage such a varied and incredibly difficult thing as the nature of the human body you are contained within. Your body is something you have, not what or who you are. I hope your journey to self love guides you to the peace of this knowledge and you are able to find the self-love and confidence to feel absolutely remarkable no matter what your container looks like. ❤
I am grateful for you sharing this beautiful and healing practice. I realized that I get upset for being upset (2nd arrow)
Every time I listen to you Tara, a big shift happens inside. It’s a shift from not feeling being as strong as all the others appear, and let us know we should be, to feeling “ normal “ and peaceful. It’s all right, that’s what I hear from you and end up feeling very calm and peaceful.
So looking forward to your next video.
With love and gratitude for your message,
Dominique
I noted how hard I’m being on myself for feeling fear about an upcoming move I’m making. I noticed how negatively I respond when confusing or conflicting feelings come up – about a lot of things. I really only accept a small range of responses in myself. It’s very limiting for someone who is so faceted and deeply feeling. I resist the idea that two conflicting and complicated truths can exist inside me side by side.
I found it very moving and experienced a softening, both emotional and physical. The notion of “being my own best friend” brought tears and made me realize how hard I continue to push myself and how mercilessly critical I can be
Looking forward to trying it out
Hi Tara, during the head to heart to heart-space I cried a little. Finding the deeper reason why I blame is very awakening and yet still painful.
It was challenging and I can see that ongoing practice is needed to really gain more skill
Peaceful acceptance; thank you for this video/exercise.
Oh my! I found the feelings lodged in my throat. I have hypothyroidism, and I know it is related to unaccepted and unspoken feelings. But knowing is not enough, and moving to heart and heart space is difficult…
It was challenging, but I can see how with continuing to practice this can help.
The second arrow was hidden at first, and when I caught a glimpse of it, then I realized how I was compounding my judgement against myself. It’s easy to forgive the obvious, the negative self-talk and immediate judgement, but forgiving and soothing the voice that tells me I should not judge myself was lovely, kinder, and gentle.
I cried because I saw what I had been doing to myself. I looked at myself as a child, the one that was good and still is. I saw how talking to myself like I have has just been a defense mechanism to protect my heart from hurt.
I realise I am afraid to be exposed….I dont trust !
Some resistance to calling on heart feelings for judgments and some insecurity about doing so. Perhaps some softening.
I truly loved this exercise.❤️ I was able to connect to my inner child and be ok with myself. Thank you Tara.