Catherine Conway, Counseling, Naperville, IL, USAsays
I have been a therapist for 20 years and still have misgivings about my abilities to be an effective therapist. I start to get into “imposter syndrome.” this process helped me release the self-judgment. encouraged myself “to do the best I can.”
I felt tightness in my solar plexus and as I sat with it I went to my young self who was angry with her Mom, not feeling heard, just hitting a wall. Then judging myself for being so angry with my Mom. As I sat longer, a voice in me reminded me of my Mother’s childhood, losing her Mom at age 2 and having a dominating father etc. etc. and I was able to forgive her, a behaviour that always happened, but then I would blame myself and tell myself I was a bad person for “hating my mother”. This time I made more space with my breath, let go of my anger and forgave myself, then told myself that I am a good person and the tightness began to fade. So the last part was new to me, but so important , as I would beat up on myself anytime I felt angry with someone, or expressed anger to someone and tell myself that I’m bad! Funny, I’m retired now, but remember doing these exercises with my clients but wasn’t following through with myself.
Thank you, I cried and that was a release in itself, recognizing the pattern of blame in myself and the pain it causes in my heart which clenched up. Learning to feel compassion for myself and my perceived mistakes is a journey, thank you helping me progress on this path.
These are very old, familiar feelings. I am not enough, I am wasting my life, I do not deserve to have such a fortunate life, I am too old to still be able to create. All of these feelings become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Today, after listening to your “talk” I asked myself to look at what I have been able to accomplish in my life. And to attempt to not allow the thoughts to stop me from leading a creative and loving life. Not easily done, but now I am facing the limitations I have imposed and will practice the three steps you suggest.
I recently found you and your guidance and am extremely grateful for you generosity in sharing your guidance.
I connected to myself as a little girl who was told off for not knowing something and I realize that I continue to blame myself for not knowing things now. I intend to revisit this practice and offer compassion to the little girl who didn’t know what she didn’t know.
I felt a movement from my mind/awareness into my
Body. I followed this journey as it filled my interior with breath and spread through my body , opening a sensation of spaciousness.
Then I shifted my awareness to the outer environment outside my body. I listened to nature’s sounds, the breezes, birds, rain… breathing in the outer air, which joined with the inner space inside me.
I looked for where and what colours this feeling of self judgment was located in my body…I could feel the thought of it tingling in my head and the ache of it in my chest…I brought the breath to my chest and continued breathing and spreading space inside my whole body and then out thru the permeable wall of my skin into the space around me…
The ache and tingling dissolves. A sense of joy filled my heart, back of head and throat.
The example was very helpful. I understood and realized that i always shoot the second arrow, even a third and a fourth…. it was very difficult for me to feel the blame in my body
Trying to not to judge oneself is harder. It is a cycle that goes round and round. Finding the self-compassion is hard but it can be found eventually…..
Longing to be able to do this. So much fear around depression and anxiety. Wondering if I can eever heal.. Feeling/thinking the road back from damaged Rosie is too hard for me. hopelessness. Yet in this moment I am typing…..
It feels like a trail overgrown by weeds. Or like some muscle movement that is completely unpracticed. But it also holds promise! I can sense that it’s worth walking that trail. Maybe some days I’ll only get out of my head into my body and senses. Maybe other days I’ll find my way to the heart. And I hope with practice, I’ll be walking the path to Heartspace every day.
I have clients who mostly blame others, they feel sad for themselves or angry about the other.. there is no self blame except that they are in a bad relationship or wasting their time. How do you work with such clients with respect to self compassion?
Well I am glad someone explained that to me. I always feel guilty when I am jealous or angry or resentful. The first arrow is hard enough but the guilt for feeling these things is worse. It makes me feel better just to know other people have these feelings. I told myself it’s okay. This is very helpful
“The trance of not liking yourself “ is a perfect description of an automatic reaction I have carried for a lifetime. Self compassion released the bonds so that I could develop my own voice and speak with courage and confidence.
It’s becoming clearer to me that my attempts at control, in relationships and in the choices I make during the course of my days is about a part in me, hard working and full time, which has been trying to keep me from feeling some very painful original feelings. Tara is helping me to do that “you turn” with some, maybe more, kindness toward this original wound which I have been “managing” at great cost to my happiness. Thank you.
Difficult to experience this exercise at this point. I am feeling like it is an academic lesson that I will need to learn. It will take a lot of practice, again because I need to be able to identify feelings.
Thank you for this video. I have been practicing mindful self compassion every day for about 3 weeks-1 month and am feeling a shift. It’s tough and I must do this meditation every day. I still fall into the blame trap, but there is definitely a change happening. I am feeling less jealous and angry. I find that the more I focus on self love, focusing on my breath, my heart and creating a spiritual exchange by sending compassion out to the world, I feel better.
I had an Aha moment where I realised an experience I had recently where I was aware of what I was feeling in the moment but but found it difficult to go from head to heart and heart space as I found it extremely uncomfortable to sit with it. I can be less judgemental now I have awareness of the feelings of fear and Shame.
Rebecca Thompson, Another Field, Pittsfield, ME, USAsays
I loved the idea that as an ocean, waves are included. I have listened to this twice and will again because there is so much to consider. I need to be honest that I find the background music very distracting and would prefer just your wonderful, soothing voice.
The Buddhist wisdom of the second dart (arrow) is one that is powerful and helpful to revisit. Life is hard- no need to add on and make it harder! So grateful for the anecdotes and stories you share to illuminate these teachings. Thank you.
a lot of tears. realizing I have shut parts of myself out because of blaming myself. keeping these parts separated has created pain in my body. the more I do it, the more I see I have blamed myself for failing at things I was not responsible for. everyone gets to make their own choices. It’s not up to me what others choose.
That’s not fair. It was private, effective and insightful. I feel connected to a larger space and would like to express my gratitude for reminding and refreshing my intentions.
Better said, I’m relieved to find a kindred soul who deeply penetrates the stigma surrounding self compassion with wisdom and kindness.
I am so aware of how these teachings have allowed me to release the almost immovable and concrete physically painful sensations in my heart space. These words from Tara are deepening my awareness and trust in this deeply nourishing practice.
I find it very helpful to have a new tool broken down into 3 steps. I also learn better with analogies/metaphors such as the 2 Arrows story or the Ocean and waves.
I have already experienced the powerful shift of recognizing thoughts are just thoughts-not reality. The exercise today brought me closer to a peacefulness, a space. I recognized the tension across my chest. I also realized for the first time that the tension continued into my throat. That was a new observation. Very helpful.
This speaks to me SO much. I also know it will take me lots of practice, because I struggle to trust my own voice when I attempt to comfort myself. I want so much to find self-compassion. I am pretty brutal to myself.
I find that the real challenge is to be aware of how my story of pain keeps high jacking my mind; i go back time and again to the story and sift through the ‘facts’ to somehow justify the conclusion that whatever failings and failures i contributed, they were not as ‘bad’ as the person who hurt me. It’s this desire to intellectually arrive at the logical conclusion of ‘truth,’ and a ‘truth’ that will ultimately justify my sense of being at least in a small way the victim. So I keep trying to see ways in which the others person has failed me and how ‘unfair’ that might be in my eyes. But the event is in the past and we can never go back to discover this ‘truth’ and i need to let go of the story and focus on my heart and forgive my inability to forgive if they haven’t offered me their sorrow or regret for hurting me. To put a hand on my heart is really quite powerful.; it connects me with their unresolved hurt and pain and might allow me to forgive us both.
I’m dedicated to improvement wherever I encounter it. It still surprises me when I feel judged and react to or want to react to that. It’s usually because I’m tired or hungry and have not taken the time to reflect and enjoy that I fall into this kind of vulnerability. I need more time reflecting rather than doing.
It’s kind of crazy interesting that the examples used are very much in my life. I have had these insecurities, but haven’t realized that when I do, I also judge myself. I often am not my own friend and judge myself for more than anyone else would! This gave me a specific way to practice mindfully caring for myself. Thank you!
My name is Jennifer too, and waves of tears rushed down my face. Kind words from the self is more powerful than we know. Thank you for spreading my light. I will take this way of life along with me day by day.
When I pause and experience anxiety and blame, I put my hand on my heart and talk to myself as a little girl, telling her that I am with her and will never leave her. I feel a softening of my heart and more self connection.
I sometimes imagine that my heart is in the middle of the ocean.
This is good.
The acceptance of the feeling and the possibility to elaborate it
I have been a therapist for 20 years and still have misgivings about my abilities to be an effective therapist. I start to get into “imposter syndrome.” this process helped me release the self-judgment. encouraged myself “to do the best I can.”
I felt tightness in my solar plexus and as I sat with it I went to my young self who was angry with her Mom, not feeling heard, just hitting a wall. Then judging myself for being so angry with my Mom. As I sat longer, a voice in me reminded me of my Mother’s childhood, losing her Mom at age 2 and having a dominating father etc. etc. and I was able to forgive her, a behaviour that always happened, but then I would blame myself and tell myself I was a bad person for “hating my mother”. This time I made more space with my breath, let go of my anger and forgave myself, then told myself that I am a good person and the tightness began to fade. So the last part was new to me, but so important , as I would beat up on myself anytime I felt angry with someone, or expressed anger to someone and tell myself that I’m bad! Funny, I’m retired now, but remember doing these exercises with my clients but wasn’t following through with myself.
I just needed to be with myself in this loving space.
Thank you, I cried and that was a release in itself, recognizing the pattern of blame in myself and the pain it causes in my heart which clenched up. Learning to feel compassion for myself and my perceived mistakes is a journey, thank you helping me progress on this path.
These are very old, familiar feelings. I am not enough, I am wasting my life, I do not deserve to have such a fortunate life, I am too old to still be able to create. All of these feelings become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Today, after listening to your “talk” I asked myself to look at what I have been able to accomplish in my life. And to attempt to not allow the thoughts to stop me from leading a creative and loving life. Not easily done, but now I am facing the limitations I have imposed and will practice the three steps you suggest.
I recently found you and your guidance and am extremely grateful for you generosity in sharing your guidance.
It gave me a sense of relief, that I don’t have to fight the waves but embrace them. Kindness to myself came up with with more ease.
I connected to myself as a little girl who was told off for not knowing something and I realize that I continue to blame myself for not knowing things now. I intend to revisit this practice and offer compassion to the little girl who didn’t know what she didn’t know.
I felt a movement from my mind/awareness into my
Body. I followed this journey as it filled my interior with breath and spread through my body , opening a sensation of spaciousness.
Then I shifted my awareness to the outer environment outside my body. I listened to nature’s sounds, the breezes, birds, rain… breathing in the outer air, which joined with the inner space inside me.
I looked for where and what colours this feeling of self judgment was located in my body…I could feel the thought of it tingling in my head and the ache of it in my chest…I brought the breath to my chest and continued breathing and spreading space inside my whole body and then out thru the permeable wall of my skin into the space around me…
The ache and tingling dissolves. A sense of joy filled my heart, back of head and throat.
Thank you
The example was very helpful. I understood and realized that i always shoot the second arrow, even a third and a fourth…. it was very difficult for me to feel the blame in my body
Trying to not to judge oneself is harder. It is a cycle that goes round and round. Finding the self-compassion is hard but it can be found eventually…..
Longing to be able to do this. So much fear around depression and anxiety. Wondering if I can eever heal.. Feeling/thinking the road back from damaged Rosie is too hard for me. hopelessness. Yet in this moment I am typing…..
It feels like a trail overgrown by weeds. Or like some muscle movement that is completely unpracticed. But it also holds promise! I can sense that it’s worth walking that trail. Maybe some days I’ll only get out of my head into my body and senses. Maybe other days I’ll find my way to the heart. And I hope with practice, I’ll be walking the path to Heartspace every day.
I have clients who mostly blame others, they feel sad for themselves or angry about the other.. there is no self blame except that they are in a bad relationship or wasting their time. How do you work with such clients with respect to self compassion?
Well I am glad someone explained that to me. I always feel guilty when I am jealous or angry or resentful. The first arrow is hard enough but the guilt for feeling these things is worse. It makes me feel better just to know other people have these feelings. I told myself it’s okay. This is very helpful
“The trance of not liking yourself “ is a perfect description of an automatic reaction I have carried for a lifetime. Self compassion released the bonds so that I could develop my own voice and speak with courage and confidence.
It’s becoming clearer to me that my attempts at control, in relationships and in the choices I make during the course of my days is about a part in me, hard working and full time, which has been trying to keep me from feeling some very painful original feelings. Tara is helping me to do that “you turn” with some, maybe more, kindness toward this original wound which I have been “managing” at great cost to my happiness. Thank you.
Difficult to experience this exercise at this point. I am feeling like it is an academic lesson that I will need to learn. It will take a lot of practice, again because I need to be able to identify feelings.
Helpful and am sharing with my clients. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. I have been practicing mindful self compassion every day for about 3 weeks-1 month and am feeling a shift. It’s tough and I must do this meditation every day. I still fall into the blame trap, but there is definitely a change happening. I am feeling less jealous and angry. I find that the more I focus on self love, focusing on my breath, my heart and creating a spiritual exchange by sending compassion out to the world, I feel better.
It helped me to realize that I am still on that path to healing and self-compassion.
I had an Aha moment where I realised an experience I had recently where I was aware of what I was feeling in the moment but but found it difficult to go from head to heart and heart space as I found it extremely uncomfortable to sit with it. I can be less judgemental now I have awareness of the feelings of fear and Shame.
I realized that when I am kind to myself, I don’t believe me.
I feel that, too
Hand to heart brought forth a n additional, deeper wave of compassion for myself & others.
I became aware of the pain inflicted in myself over the years.
I loved the idea that as an ocean, waves are included. I have listened to this twice and will again because there is so much to consider. I need to be honest that I find the background music very distracting and would prefer just your wonderful, soothing voice.
The Buddhist wisdom of the second dart (arrow) is one that is powerful and helpful to revisit. Life is hard- no need to add on and make it harder! So grateful for the anecdotes and stories you share to illuminate these teachings. Thank you.
a lot of tears. realizing I have shut parts of myself out because of blaming myself. keeping these parts separated has created pain in my body. the more I do it, the more I see I have blamed myself for failing at things I was not responsible for. everyone gets to make their own choices. It’s not up to me what others choose.
I realize I judge myself harshly as a means of avoiding the judgment of others.
That’s not fair. It was private, effective and insightful. I feel connected to a larger space and would like to express my gratitude for reminding and refreshing my intentions.
Better said, I’m relieved to find a kindred soul who deeply penetrates the stigma surrounding self compassion with wisdom and kindness.
I am so aware of how these teachings have allowed me to release the almost immovable and concrete physically painful sensations in my heart space. These words from Tara are deepening my awareness and trust in this deeply nourishing practice.
2 arrows, 3 steps, very helpful
A sense of comfort arose. Something I am not used to giving myself.
Love this thank you.
I find it very helpful to have a new tool broken down into 3 steps. I also learn better with analogies/metaphors such as the 2 Arrows story or the Ocean and waves.
I have already experienced the powerful shift of recognizing thoughts are just thoughts-not reality. The exercise today brought me closer to a peacefulness, a space. I recognized the tension across my chest. I also realized for the first time that the tension continued into my throat. That was a new observation. Very helpful.
This speaks to me SO much. I also know it will take me lots of practice, because I struggle to trust my own voice when I attempt to comfort myself. I want so much to find self-compassion. I am pretty brutal to myself.
Beautiful practice, very useful and clear. Thanks so much
this practice is simple but powerful. It works!
I find that the real challenge is to be aware of how my story of pain keeps high jacking my mind; i go back time and again to the story and sift through the ‘facts’ to somehow justify the conclusion that whatever failings and failures i contributed, they were not as ‘bad’ as the person who hurt me. It’s this desire to intellectually arrive at the logical conclusion of ‘truth,’ and a ‘truth’ that will ultimately justify my sense of being at least in a small way the victim. So I keep trying to see ways in which the others person has failed me and how ‘unfair’ that might be in my eyes. But the event is in the past and we can never go back to discover this ‘truth’ and i need to let go of the story and focus on my heart and forgive my inability to forgive if they haven’t offered me their sorrow or regret for hurting me. To put a hand on my heart is really quite powerful.; it connects me with their unresolved hurt and pain and might allow me to forgive us both.
I felt a release
Thank you, very helpful!
Opening up the heart of compassion.
I wanted to watch the video numerous times
Is always helpful for me to reconnect with my heart. Laying down my hands on my chest, soothes even more.
I am more aware of myself as an individual, and as an adult with choice.
I’m dedicated to improvement wherever I encounter it. It still surprises me when I feel judged and react to or want to react to that. It’s usually because I’m tired or hungry and have not taken the time to reflect and enjoy that I fall into this kind of vulnerability. I need more time reflecting rather than doing.
Putting my hand on my heart and saying the Lord is with you was immensely helpful, that doesn’t even begin to explain how this feels. Thank you!
It’s kind of crazy interesting that the examples used are very much in my life. I have had these insecurities, but haven’t realized that when I do, I also judge myself. I often am not my own friend and judge myself for more than anyone else would! This gave me a specific way to practice mindfully caring for myself. Thank you!
My name is Jennifer too, and waves of tears rushed down my face. Kind words from the self is more powerful than we know. Thank you for spreading my light. I will take this way of life along with me day by day.
When I pause and experience anxiety and blame, I put my hand on my heart and talk to myself as a little girl, telling her that I am with her and will never leave her. I feel a softening of my heart and more self connection.
I sometimes imagine that my heart is in the middle of the ocean.