Of course it’s an interesting piece that touches everyone because we are born into a society that teaches disconnection, Opression, suppression, criticism, judgment, as part of the social norm. It’s one of those issues that’s hard to change because it’s so much a part of the patterns of behavior in which we all swim. I’m a psychologist and I wrote a book called, “being human in a world of illusion” in which I talk about our training to think there’s something wrong with us and something wrong with everyone else. We have a social problem that plays out in each of us individually and the way we feel, Think and behave.
I imagine I’d be pretty happy and more mellow and centered!
Thanks so much for your ever helpful contributions to our mental health. I’d like to suggest that you ditch the new age music in the background. Your voice is enough! I found the music extremely distracting.
Self-judgement is a bigger problem for me than judging or blaming others, and I know that when I’m able to bring curiosity and a little compassion to the critic part(s) of myself, I feel more spacious and present.
I would be free to consciously chose my life. Unchained by my survival mind, which would leave a lot more room for joy and creativity. Thank you for this practice. I have an easier time understanding other people’s traps/having compassion for them and wondering how to have better insight as to my own traps/self compassion. It’s not like I haven’t done the work to have insight into my life and yet pointing out why/what my “trap” was bringing up as to a specific moments is creating a challenge for me (in regards to self compassion).Practice. Practice, I suppose. 🙂
Carol Lewis, Counseling, Boynton Beach, FL, USAsays
I felt the physical warmth which was very comforting. I remembered feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in my last work setting and then memories of being less than and unheard at work settings all the way back to my first job. It was like a flash of people and situations that I experienced myself as on the margins. It was very helpful to see this progression and feel compassion for myself and appreciation for my resilence at not giving up.
I think I would free up a lot of energy that currently goes in to judgement and blame of others (and myself). I could use this energy to direct my own life in ways that are fulfilling and enriching and to be more compassionate of others.
I think I would free up a lot of energy that currently goes in to judgement and blame of others (and myself). I could use this energy to direct my own life in ways that are fulfilling and enriching and to be more compassionate of others.
Thank you Tara.
I was able to hold my young self and listen to her tears. I was also able to see the person I hold resentment for as being weak and wounded. I have known this but this is the first time I was able to see and be with their pain in a truly compassionate way.
I don’t know who I’d be…..during the u-turn process I experienced such a deep commitment to my blaming the other person, feels entrenched within who I am.
Although I don’t identify as Christian, this idea is similar to “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I try to always immediately look deeper into the why when someone offends or hurts me. Forgiving is not at all the same as excusing, and no one deserves repeated, intentional hurt or abuse. This is why we need to have the calm, rational mind online to discern intent. Hurts can be the catalyst for deeper understanding and connection if we choose to see the shared humanity of person who prompted the painful feelings in us, and civilly dialogue with them about it. The shutting down of this process only allows the hurts to internally fester. I am dealing with not being forgiven by someone I love at the moment. Even though I have spent the past decade forgiving them their trespasses of me. I have done all I can to atone for my behavior. Unfortunately, the person who cannot forgive me has to carry the poison inside of him and instead of allowing the forgiveness process to heal, he is choosing to harbor hate and judgement instead of face and deal with painful feelings I unintentionally provoked. I have requested repeatedly to allow me to atone for my hurting him face to face and to make amends. But he refuses to see and accept my own humanity and by doing so rejects his own and creates distance, separateness, and more pain.
Thank you Tara, the u-turn practice today made me notice the other toward whom I was feeling resentment as one with his leg in a trap. That immediately switched the focus from me to greater understanding for him. I put his behavior in context of how his suffering is showing. Namaste, Marie
I felt my heart softening and expand to hold my suffering as well as the suffering of the one who hurt me. If I let go of self-blame and judgment I would walk through life with more ease. Thank you Tara for these beautiful lessons.
Thank you so much. I see how this practice would help the hurt and pain surrounding conflict and pain with situations with others. For mine in particular, I’ve had a recent disappointment from someone close and it was helpful to sit in the hurt and see the ways it affected my own vulnerability and feelings of not being enough…and I can see how his leg was in a trap also. How we act out from our own wounds. It is better to feel compassion than the hurt.
I have a hard time with having to take all the responsibility for someone’s cruel, abusive behavior. So, I’m a vulnerable kid, I suffer horrible abuse, my life is a shadow of what it could be. I’m all gnarled up in my soul, so now, I get to be the one who rescues the day? Not fair.
My heart goes out to you. You’re reaching out, looking for support. That’s worth recognizing and celebrating. You don’t need to “rescue” the day, but that child you mentioned needs you. None of it was your fault. Take back what’s yours. Give yourself what you didn’t get. And give back what’s not yours. Focus on the part of you that is whole and can help the other parts. You’re right. It’s not fair, and you deserve compassion.
Sharesa Motta, Teacher, Potter Valley, CA, USAsays
Thank you. This has been most valuable. I’ve tried this intuitively, but now feel more confident and will continue to practice. Blessings of Gratitude and Pease to all.
Yes, I do this with the person that I have spent most of my life with. I’ve been very judgmental of the way he has chosen to live his life, while for years I supported him emotionally. We no longer have compassion for each other.
I would be more light hearted and spontaneous in my interactions with my partner, rather than being a bit guarded or on guard. It would also create space in myself to be more creative, something which is stifled by anger and resentment.
Hi Tara, I think I’ll be more secure, i won’t care that much of what others think of me. I’ll be able to let go of my fears and disappointments. I’ll forgive myself more often. I’ll enjoy more of the present.
Thank you for your teachings.
Leslie
This is so deep , sometimes becomes unreal , wow how much I love Tara’s wisdom and insight each time she speaks it cuts my hearts layer into pieces and I feel less pain and more understanding , Tara has led me to create space of compassion and kindness towards myself first , each failure is a learning in it self , I need more healing and enabling inside , it never ends
Namaste ?? and love
Aimy
(Life and holistic wellness coach )
Letting go of blame would allow me to connect more to my spouse, who is dangerously close to ending our marriage. There are many other things contributing to that, but I feel this would be really meaningful.
Rebekkah Alexander, Psychotherapy, Ft Worth, TX, USAsays
I know I would feel lighter, more accepting of life and daily challenges, more accepting of my imperfections and those of other people as well. I know I would feel more connection to all of humanity and the reality of the role of suffering in our human journey. Each time I experience release of judgement or blame, these are things I experience more of . . .and I continue to hunger for more of these experiences and for more depth of my compassion. Who would I be? I would hope to be more of an inspiration to others, a teacher walking my talk, an expression of the self-and-other compassion that I experience within. I imagine that I would be my wiser self, my deeper self, than I would be if I were being with less attention to compassion and awareness. Thank you, Tara Brach, for what I perceive to be your beauty and expression of your compassion. I appreciate so very much what I absorb when listening to you. With Love, Rebekkah
I would be able to be open and less fearful and be comfortable in catching myself when I am judging and blaming and choosing differently. I would be able to listen.
Hi Tara,
This has reference to your three videos on the topics of Shame, Blame, Self- compassion etc.
I suffer from a lot of self- criticism, blame and a lot of lack of self- compassion. But I have to tell you about life-situation so that you may fully understand my case and advise. I request you to grant me a patient reading of what follows.
BACKGROUND
I am a man of 65 years; of very modest means. I live in Kolkata, India, married but, we have no children. My wife was never a working lady. I took early retirement at 46 years in response to some financial incentive being offered as a consequence of corporate downsizing. There was a time when I used to think that had I a child, I would not have been able to provide him/ her requisite education. Now in my old age, I think it would have been better if I had a child. It is still not very uncommon in this part of India for children (usually sons) to provide succour to their old parents. As it may be expected, I have to work to make both ends meet for my wife and myself.
Understandably, my meagre finances may not prove sufficient to provide desired medical attention etc. in these times of increasing medical expenses. This irks my wife, who accuses me of throwing away my job particularly as the little financial incentive I had proved insufficient in view of inflation. This causes me to blame myself and I continue to suffer. My wife’s remarks remind me of my departed father-in-law who was very verbally abusive of all and sundry and did not spare me either.
Ironically, my brother-in-law (my wife’s brother) who is equally foul-mouthed as my father-in-law, used to run a business which stopped during the COVID 19 pandemic and is yet to pick up. So, I have to financially help his family (meaning him, his wife and teen aged daughter). Although, I dislike my brother-in-law, I still help him.
VIPASSANA
It so happens that I have attended 3 Vipassana retreats (as taught by S. N. Goenka), over the last 20 years but I have failed to keep up the daily practice. One reason is that I am yet to feel the touches of incoming and outgoing breaths over my upper lip. So, I tried to change to Mahasi Sayadaw’s technique of feeling the incoming and outgoing breaths by the rise and fall of my stomach but, very often, fail to maintain the practice. It may be noted
I am a firm believer in Vipassana and believe that my sufferings from financial crunch, my lack of retirement, my self- blame and the resentment that I have in my mind for my father-in-law and brother-in-law can all be healed by Vipassana. I have a lot of anger and this resentment hurts a lot. It may be noted that I first came to Vipassana after reading a book called “Healing Anger” by the Dalai Lama.
Please advise me how I can get rid of the self-blame and resentment.
With Best Regards
Hi Tara,
Thank you for sharing your gifts, I really appreciate your wisdom.
It is helpful in that I recognize that My trap is probably that I had some poor role modelling as a child and belief I have truly forgiven and accepted that. But it seems I struggle to drop the control tactics that I use on others. I’m fine most of the time but when I’m dealing with physical pain or I’m not present it’s like an automatic response to be critical.
Claudette
I thank you so much for reminding me that “making myself smaller” than I really am can not help others and will stop me from growth.I like to practice and find out how I can change my life because I’m old enough to understand it is foolish to continue with the harsh thoughts about myself. Who else would like to love me if I cannot???
Thank You, Tara !!! I shall have to listen to these talks again…
It went a little to fast for my damaged brain ? ?? ??
I guess i will be free in thought and judgement. feels more like a robot or someone who swings right or left. Not a strong personality.
Of course it’s an interesting piece that touches everyone because we are born into a society that teaches disconnection, Opression, suppression, criticism, judgment, as part of the social norm. It’s one of those issues that’s hard to change because it’s so much a part of the patterns of behavior in which we all swim. I’m a psychologist and I wrote a book called, “being human in a world of illusion” in which I talk about our training to think there’s something wrong with us and something wrong with everyone else. We have a social problem that plays out in each of us individually and the way we feel, Think and behave.
Feel soft and tender- less angry
I imagine I’d be pretty happy and more mellow and centered!
Thanks so much for your ever helpful contributions to our mental health. I’d like to suggest that you ditch the new age music in the background. Your voice is enough! I found the music extremely distracting.
Onward,
Amy
I would be a more present mom for my girls.
Self-judgement is a bigger problem for me than judging or blaming others, and I know that when I’m able to bring curiosity and a little compassion to the critic part(s) of myself, I feel more spacious and present.
I so appreciate your program and your forever giving nature! You are a friend to me- giving comfort and understanding. THank YOU!!
It would be GREAT if you could include captions in the video or at least the written essay below the video. There are some words I’m missing …
Parents
I would be happier, and would be of much benefit for others around me.
Appreciate new way of dealing with betrayal by friends.
I would be free to consciously chose my life. Unchained by my survival mind, which would leave a lot more room for joy and creativity. Thank you for this practice. I have an easier time understanding other people’s traps/having compassion for them and wondering how to have better insight as to my own traps/self compassion. It’s not like I haven’t done the work to have insight into my life and yet pointing out why/what my “trap” was bringing up as to a specific moments is creating a challenge for me (in regards to self compassion).Practice. Practice, I suppose. 🙂
Helpful !
Love to join you in self compassion
??????
I felt the physical warmth which was very comforting. I remembered feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in my last work setting and then memories of being less than and unheard at work settings all the way back to my first job. It was like a flash of people and situations that I experienced myself as on the margins. It was very helpful to see this progression and feel compassion for myself and appreciation for my resilence at not giving up.
I would be at peace with myself, less ‘on alert’, and I would imagine more pleasant to be with – both being comfortable with myself and with others.
I think I would free up a lot of energy that currently goes in to judgement and blame of others (and myself). I could use this energy to direct my own life in ways that are fulfilling and enriching and to be more compassionate of others.
I think I would free up a lot of energy that currently goes in to judgement and blame of others (and myself). I could use this energy to direct my own life in ways that are fulfilling and enriching and to be more compassionate of others.
Thank you Tara.
I was able to hold my young self and listen to her tears. I was also able to see the person I hold resentment for as being weak and wounded. I have known this but this is the first time I was able to see and be with their pain in a truly compassionate way.
I don’t know who I’d be…..during the u-turn process I experienced such a deep commitment to my blaming the other person, feels entrenched within who I am.
feel free and develop into my true self
I would be ‘whole’ by letting go of judgment and chronic blame. I look forward to learning the practices on how to do this.
Although I don’t identify as Christian, this idea is similar to “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I try to always immediately look deeper into the why when someone offends or hurts me. Forgiving is not at all the same as excusing, and no one deserves repeated, intentional hurt or abuse. This is why we need to have the calm, rational mind online to discern intent. Hurts can be the catalyst for deeper understanding and connection if we choose to see the shared humanity of person who prompted the painful feelings in us, and civilly dialogue with them about it. The shutting down of this process only allows the hurts to internally fester. I am dealing with not being forgiven by someone I love at the moment. Even though I have spent the past decade forgiving them their trespasses of me. I have done all I can to atone for my behavior. Unfortunately, the person who cannot forgive me has to carry the poison inside of him and instead of allowing the forgiveness process to heal, he is choosing to harbor hate and judgement instead of face and deal with painful feelings I unintentionally provoked. I have requested repeatedly to allow me to atone for my hurting him face to face and to make amends. But he refuses to see and accept my own humanity and by doing so rejects his own and creates distance, separateness, and more pain.
Thank you Tara, the u-turn practice today made me notice the other toward whom I was feeling resentment as one with his leg in a trap. That immediately switched the focus from me to greater understanding for him. I put his behavior in context of how his suffering is showing. Namaste, Marie
Helpful and interesting
I felt my heart softening and expand to hold my suffering as well as the suffering of the one who hurt me. If I let go of self-blame and judgment I would walk through life with more ease. Thank you Tara for these beautiful lessons.
Thank you so much. I see how this practice would help the hurt and pain surrounding conflict and pain with situations with others. For mine in particular, I’ve had a recent disappointment from someone close and it was helpful to sit in the hurt and see the ways it affected my own vulnerability and feelings of not being enough…and I can see how his leg was in a trap also. How we act out from our own wounds. It is better to feel compassion than the hurt.
I have a hard time with having to take all the responsibility for someone’s cruel, abusive behavior. So, I’m a vulnerable kid, I suffer horrible abuse, my life is a shadow of what it could be. I’m all gnarled up in my soul, so now, I get to be the one who rescues the day? Not fair.
My heart goes out to you. You’re reaching out, looking for support. That’s worth recognizing and celebrating. You don’t need to “rescue” the day, but that child you mentioned needs you. None of it was your fault. Take back what’s yours. Give yourself what you didn’t get. And give back what’s not yours. Focus on the part of you that is whole and can help the other parts. You’re right. It’s not fair, and you deserve compassion.
I think Connie you just rescue yourself.
Hurting soul
Thank you. This has been most valuable. I’ve tried this intuitively, but now feel more confident and will continue to practice. Blessings of Gratitude and Pease to all.
I would feel more free.
love to hear how I can change blaming other because if I understand their trap I my own trap we can be connected again.
Lovely
More accepting and understanding and wiser. And much more patient
I’d be my whole self.
I felt a shift into seeing the person with whom I am in conflict from one comprised of evil character to one who is wounded.
Yes, I do this with the person that I have spent most of my life with. I’ve been very judgmental of the way he has chosen to live his life, while for years I supported him emotionally. We no longer have compassion for each other.
I would be more light hearted and spontaneous in my interactions with my partner, rather than being a bit guarded or on guard. It would also create space in myself to be more creative, something which is stifled by anger and resentment.
I would be my best potential self…
Hi Tara, I think I’ll be more secure, i won’t care that much of what others think of me. I’ll be able to let go of my fears and disappointments. I’ll forgive myself more often. I’ll enjoy more of the present.
Thank you for your teachings.
Leslie
This is so deep , sometimes becomes unreal , wow how much I love Tara’s wisdom and insight each time she speaks it cuts my hearts layer into pieces and I feel less pain and more understanding , Tara has led me to create space of compassion and kindness towards myself first , each failure is a learning in it self , I need more healing and enabling inside , it never ends
Namaste ?? and love
Aimy
(Life and holistic wellness coach )
Letting go of blame would allow me to connect more to my spouse, who is dangerously close to ending our marriage. There are many other things contributing to that, but I feel this would be really meaningful.
I know I would feel lighter, more accepting of life and daily challenges, more accepting of my imperfections and those of other people as well. I know I would feel more connection to all of humanity and the reality of the role of suffering in our human journey. Each time I experience release of judgement or blame, these are things I experience more of . . .and I continue to hunger for more of these experiences and for more depth of my compassion. Who would I be? I would hope to be more of an inspiration to others, a teacher walking my talk, an expression of the self-and-other compassion that I experience within. I imagine that I would be my wiser self, my deeper self, than I would be if I were being with less attention to compassion and awareness. Thank you, Tara Brach, for what I perceive to be your beauty and expression of your compassion. I appreciate so very much what I absorb when listening to you. With Love, Rebekkah
I would be able to be open and less fearful and be comfortable in catching myself when I am judging and blaming and choosing differently. I would be able to listen.
Really app this technique. Thanks for guiding it.
Hi Tara,
This has reference to your three videos on the topics of Shame, Blame, Self- compassion etc.
I suffer from a lot of self- criticism, blame and a lot of lack of self- compassion. But I have to tell you about life-situation so that you may fully understand my case and advise. I request you to grant me a patient reading of what follows.
BACKGROUND
I am a man of 65 years; of very modest means. I live in Kolkata, India, married but, we have no children. My wife was never a working lady. I took early retirement at 46 years in response to some financial incentive being offered as a consequence of corporate downsizing. There was a time when I used to think that had I a child, I would not have been able to provide him/ her requisite education. Now in my old age, I think it would have been better if I had a child. It is still not very uncommon in this part of India for children (usually sons) to provide succour to their old parents. As it may be expected, I have to work to make both ends meet for my wife and myself.
Understandably, my meagre finances may not prove sufficient to provide desired medical attention etc. in these times of increasing medical expenses. This irks my wife, who accuses me of throwing away my job particularly as the little financial incentive I had proved insufficient in view of inflation. This causes me to blame myself and I continue to suffer. My wife’s remarks remind me of my departed father-in-law who was very verbally abusive of all and sundry and did not spare me either.
Ironically, my brother-in-law (my wife’s brother) who is equally foul-mouthed as my father-in-law, used to run a business which stopped during the COVID 19 pandemic and is yet to pick up. So, I have to financially help his family (meaning him, his wife and teen aged daughter). Although, I dislike my brother-in-law, I still help him.
VIPASSANA
It so happens that I have attended 3 Vipassana retreats (as taught by S. N. Goenka), over the last 20 years but I have failed to keep up the daily practice. One reason is that I am yet to feel the touches of incoming and outgoing breaths over my upper lip. So, I tried to change to Mahasi Sayadaw’s technique of feeling the incoming and outgoing breaths by the rise and fall of my stomach but, very often, fail to maintain the practice. It may be noted
I am a firm believer in Vipassana and believe that my sufferings from financial crunch, my lack of retirement, my self- blame and the resentment that I have in my mind for my father-in-law and brother-in-law can all be healed by Vipassana. I have a lot of anger and this resentment hurts a lot. It may be noted that I first came to Vipassana after reading a book called “Healing Anger” by the Dalai Lama.
Please advise me how I can get rid of the self-blame and resentment.
With Best Regards
Hi Tara,
Thank you for sharing your gifts, I really appreciate your wisdom.
It is helpful in that I recognize that My trap is probably that I had some poor role modelling as a child and belief I have truly forgiven and accepted that. But it seems I struggle to drop the control tactics that I use on others. I’m fine most of the time but when I’m dealing with physical pain or I’m not present it’s like an automatic response to be critical.
Claudette
a lot of need to forgive
I thank you so much for reminding me that “making myself smaller” than I really am can not help others and will stop me from growth.I like to practice and find out how I can change my life because I’m old enough to understand it is foolish to continue with the harsh thoughts about myself. Who else would like to love me if I cannot???
I felt more open, less tense, lighter
Actual quote :
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
~CARL ROGERS